Thursday, April 10, 2014

A Pillow Or A Person


I'm supposed to write a blog today. I'm supposed to recap last night's shenanigans in a charmingly witty way. I'm supposed to.

But, but, but... ribbons and lace and hat boxes and scented candles! Too distracting. Look over there. A flouncy petticoat and a delicate pink shawl! And over there. A cameo necklace. And, and, and... dried flowers, a string of pearls, panty hose hanging over the shower door, a harp! Good god, not a harp. And not just an everyday harp, but a harp with a pink tufted stool next to it. What a travesty. It might as well be an olden timey perfume bottle. You know the ones. The kind with the puffy atomizer pump festooned with fringe and dangling beads.

So many pretty pretty trinkets to gaze longingly at. And me here in my Lily Pulitzer canopied bed. Crabtree & Evelyn hand cream on my decoupaged nightstand. An empty Wedgewood teacup with a dried stiff chamomile teabag stuck to the side of it. And me lying here in my nightie overcome with estrogen. It courses through my veins and seeps through every pore. It paints my toenails pink and makes my skin smell of jasmine bath oils. It puts soft bouncy curls in my hair and adorns my earlobes with the daintiest diamond studs.

Dear readers I ask you, how can I possibly string sentences together with dream bubbles of fluffy kittens and meadows full of wild flowers dancing above my head? This estrogen is so debilitating. It cripples my logic. It exhausts my very being. Oh pesky pesky estrogen. Instead, I'll lie back on my silk pillow, lower my eye shades and sink back down into my Egyptian cotton where I'll hopefully once again dream of bluebells, wisteria and silver hand mirrors.

Let's recap, shall we?


We continue our feminine fete with the most womanly of symbols, that goddess of tides and seasons, the ever-present moon gazing down upon Ovarian (Solarrion). Head jostling muggy mug Tempestt (Spencer), spasming from within over being bamboozled by a woman, shakes his head ferociously while Kass, attorney at law, shrugs her shoulders and nonchalantly says that she understands how people might be mad at her. You see, Kass is a pragmatist. She sees things for what they are on the surface rather than stopping to ponder the whys of the way people conduct themselves. Either a thing is fact or fiction. Fact: Cagney (Sarah) was incredibly annoying and had to go. Fact: Kass thinks blindsides are fun. Fact: Kass is playing for Kass to win, not anyone else.


So, considering all of these facts and the systematic way in which Kass sees the world, it is not only perplexing but tit bouncingly hysterical when Tempestt, oh manly Tempestt, accuses Kass of being yanked hither and thither because of her estrogen. Like, "You can't think straight because of your estrogen." Or, "You didn't play how I wanted you to play because of your damn estrogen." Yo Tempestt, pop a Midol and place a heating pad on your ovaries, dude. Cagney didn't like Kass and could have turned on her at any moment. I'm sorry if that tangles up your hair ribbons, but not every decision in the game is about you. Kass hornswoggled you and now you're going to have to deal with it. If clutching your pearls and telling everyone to shut up is how you get through the bad times then so be it. But in the words of the great Ramona Singer, "TAKE A XANAX! CALM DOWN!"

Emboldened with the satisfaction of a blindside well done, Kass awakens to a new day prepared not to take anyone's shit. She got rid of a know-it-all, had two big threatening guys play their Idols unnecessarily and this morning she's feeling pretty proud of herself. I love days like that. Those days after you've just kicked some ass and you're brimming over with self confidence and entitlement. Snide remarks you'd normally let slide suddenly become fuel for you to finally put people in their place. You're fearless. You're plucky. And you're not going to take it anymore when a windpipe like Funbags (Morgan) lolls about and expects everyone to wait on her hand and foot...


"Ah we gettin' some wutter tah-day?"
"Maybe Funbags can get the water today."
"Wah iz she?"
"In her usual place."
"Funbags, youse gettin' wutter?"
"I can get water but I don't see how her saying it in a rude way is going to make me get water."
"Everything I say to you is going to be in a rude way because you've been being rude to me."


BAM! POW! Suck on that, Funbags. Get off your lazy ass and do something. Kass, and everyone else, is pretty fed up with how Funbags thinks she's the center of the universe. Funbags is under the assumption that people keep her around for her "cuteness" when in actuality she's like the old dog who pees on himself. She just sits there in a puddle of her own filth and expects others to clean it up for her.

To hear Funbags tell her side of the story is pretty appalling. You'd think that maybe she'd justify resenting Kass for how she betrayed her alliance, but nooooo. No, that's not what Funbags does. Instead, Funbags says that Kass is a bitter ugly old lady who is probably used to being ignored all her life. Whereas, and she doesn't mean to sound conceited, Funbags is "cuter" than Kass. First off, Funbags, pet, you're not that cute. You've got big tits. That's why people give you attention. I've got some luscious knockers myself and, believe me, when I wear a low cut top I can pretty much get whatever I want. Let's call a spade a spade here. Guys are mesmerized by tits and ass. They are simpletons that when they see two pieces of flesh pressed together their brains go jingle jangle and they start speaking in tongues. It doesn't mean you, my dear, have magical powers. ALL women can do the same if they bend over at the right angle. There are millions of girls much much prettier than you are so you can just climb down off that high horse of yours. The more you speak and do that "I don't mean to be conceited but I'm cute" thing that you do, the uglier you become. In fact, I'm willing to bet that every male viewer would prefer it if your mouth was duct taped shut and you had a bag over your head. All they want to see are the boobies struggling against those two small pieces of fabric.


And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Reward Challenge, you'll be split up into two teams. Each team will have to walk across a balance beam, climb up a wall, drag a treasure chest up said wall, and solve a puzzle. The Purple team will be Kass, MalnuTrisha (Trish), Lacey (Tony), Woo and Tasha. The Orange team will be Tempestt, LJ, Funbags, Jeffrey (Jefra) and Jeremiah. You'll be playing to be a part of a commercial for Outback Steakhouse's Bacon Margarita. Gross. Survivors ready, go!


And with the magic of fast forwarding and my complete and utter refusal to recap Challenges anymore... ORANGE TEAM WINS REWARD!!! And at home we all groaned knowing that Funbags is happy.

Back at Ovarian, it's a silver lining kind of a day. Crabby snacks and homemades for everyone! Instead of being down and out about their loss, the Purple team members decide to keep their heads up and enjoy a double helping of rice for lunch. With those pesky Reward Challenge winners gone, Kass uses the opportunity to bring up the next Tribal Council. She asks the group who they're more worried about, Tempestt or Jeremiah. Lacey brings up how Jeremiah doesn't talk too much (because he's busy hacking them all to bits in his mind) while Kass suggests that Tempestt is good at challenges. MalnuTrisha, however, thinks that Kass should make the decision between the two since she has hung out with Tempestt more than any of the former Brawns have. Kass quickly poo-poo's that idea not wanting the weight of that responsibility on her shoulders.

In an aside to us, Kass declares that as far as she is concerned, she is still a free agent and has no alliance. She wants it known that she has no intention of calling the shots like Cagney did. Listening to all of this, Lacey hopes that Kass is telling the truth. He hopes that she's serious about voting with them at the next Tribal Council.


Meanwhile, off at the Reward, the Orange team is arriving at a makeshift Outback Steakhouse shack. Unfortunately, we get Funbags describing it all in that monotone lazy voice of hers which means we all nodded off and only awakened when our heads banged into our tumblers of gin. Ouchie. The girl talks like she's reading a scientific journal about the mating habits of insects or something. It's brutal. ANYHOW, after caveman Tempestt finished shoving handfuls of red meat into his mouth, he finally decides to wipe his hands. And what do you suppose was tucked inside of his napkin? Yup, you guessed it. A clue to another Hidden Immunity Idol. The scene ends with Jeremiah announcing, "I'll stick a fork in all y'all. You're done!" *stab stab stab*

Back at Ovarian, just as the Orange team is returning with their full bellies, the sky opens up and the rains return. With our soggy Survivors tucked away inside the shelter, Tempestt decides that now is the best time to steal away to read his clue and hunt for the Idol. Woo watches Tempestt sneak off into the trees and, as a long time fan of Survivor, he knows that the chances are pretty high that Tempestt discovered a clue while at the Reward.


Tempestt, all gestures and face scrunches, lacks the ability to do anything stealthily when followed by a cameraman. He can't simply express his frustration in words, he has to dramatically toss his arms upwards and exhale loudly before placing his hands on his waist. This is the universal pose for "Hmm I know it's around here somewhere, but gosh darn is this is going to be tough." Look, I know you're looking for the Idol and the clue is vague. I know you'll have a time of it. All of the viewers know. We know because we're already following you. The sweeping of the arms and the tortured facial expressions are unnecessary - unless you're a mime in training. In which case, can you give Funbags some lessons because her monotone voice drives me nuts? Thanks.


So with Tempestt gesticulating wildly for the benefit of his cameraman, Woo, stealthy light on his feet Woo, follows the gestures in hopes of finding the Idol for himself. With his man buns tied tightly he creeps about through the brush careful not to make a sound while weirdo mime Tempestt auditioning for the Commedia dell'Arte disrobes magnifying each movement. It is a long drawn out ridiculous show that involved placing the clue in his teeth, holding his pants up to his face as he lines up the pleats and then finally, finally!, he placing the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol ON TOP of the fabric of his pants. On. Top. He doesn't tuck it safely deep down in the pocket nor does he hide it in the toe of his shoe. He places a loose piece of parchment atop his khakis before flimsily throwing an empty leg over it.


With Woo lurking in the bushes watching his every movement, Tempestt attempts and fails to find the Idol. Frustrated and wet, Tempestt moves to another part of the creek to continue his search running smack dab into Ninja Woo. Woo brushes it off and pretends that he too is out for a walk. The two exchange a "Hey buddy" and a "Yup, out walking" before each going on their merry way. Woo then comes across Tempestt's khakis and, being the good samaritan he is, tosses them to Tempestt.


According to the laws of physics and gravity and common sense, if you throw a pair of pants in the air with a piece of paper loosely resting on them, that piece of paper will fall to the ground and a delightful chase scene will ensue. Upon seeing the piece of paper on the ground, Woo snatches it up and hauls ass into the woods. Only after signaling with his arms and forming his lips into an "O" while his eyes bug out does Tempestt take off running after Woo. Lighter, quicker, and not pausing for costume changes or denouements, Woo whizzes through the trees "Sonic The Hedgehog Style" cutting back and forth across the path and back to camp.


What can Tempestt do but pause to take the stage alone and dramatically lift his hand to his brow and exhale? Well, I'll tell you one thing he can do. He can stop yukking it up and keep chasing after Woo!

Woo arrives at camp breathless and immediately asks the sleeping Funbags and her ladies in waiting if they knew about Tempestt having the clue for the Idol. Funbags yawns and looks at Woo with an annoyed look on her face. She doesn't mean to be conceited or anything, but Woo isn't nearly as cute as she is. Then she rolls over again and goes back to sleep. Woo, however, gathers up his troops and heads off to find the clue himself. Shortly thereafter, Tempestt arrives whining and kicking rocks about how Woo stole his clue. Not only is he tattling and whining but he's lying. He tells his alliance that Woo threw his pants in the water and stole his clue. Woo did no such thing! Woo tossed the pants to Tempestt not even knowing that the clue was there to begin with. Shady shady Tempestt then begs his own troops to help him in the search. Watching Funbags awaken and put one foot in the front of the other shocks everyone especially Lacey. He remarks, "You know it's bad when Funbags, the girl that you can't tell if she's a pillow or a person, because she doesn't do anything, you know it's serious, when she's up off her ass looking for this Idol." Serious indeed.



And so, with both alliances feverishly looking for the Idol, Tempestt stands to the side slapping his legs, kicking rocks and sighing loudly. Eventually he rejoins the search and rescue and wouldn't you know it? Flibberty jibbit. He finds the Idol stuck deep inside of a mud wall. Dammit! I wanted someone else to find out so Tempestt would maybe act out his own suicide and succeed. I can't stand him! (I don't really want him to die. I just, you know, want him to go away! He angers me so with his FACE.)


For Tempestt. Maui, January 2014

And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge you will stand on your toes with a block wedged between your head and the frame. When your block falls, you are out of the Challenge. Tempestt, since he's a major douche, has to wedge the sea urchin I found on the beach in Maui between his head and the frame instead of the block. Last person standing wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!


Plop, plop, plop. All the Survivors drop. And who are we left with? Ugh! TEMPESTT WINS IMMUNITY!!! Damn him!


With Tempestt safe from the vote, the big question now is whom to send home. The big alliance of six meets on the beach to discuss their options. LJ suggests that Funbags is the easy and obvious choice while MalnuTrisha suggests that Tasha should go instead. Tasha made it to 2nd place in that last Immunity Challenge and that makes her a threat now. Lacey, however, my man Lacey is worried that if one of the other alliance does have the Idol that they would be more inclined to use it on Tasha over Funbags. No one in their right mind would sacrifice their Idol to save that lazy lump. I mean, lumps. To emphasize his point Lacey points to the shelter where Funbags is resting and says, "Look at her! Will everybody just look at her?! She does nothing but sleep. Get her the hell off the island." Lacey's logic begins to make some sense to the others as it begins to look like Funbags will be the target. And if for some reason, Tribal Council gets crazy like it did last time, Tasha will be their Plan B choice.

Seeing the other alliance talking and planning, Jeremiah asks his group who they're voting for tonight. Funbags mumbles "Kass" followed by "But our votes aren't going to count anyways." Tempestt then suggests that maybe they should all vote Lacey instead in the off chance that he does something stupid at Tribal. Funny one-liners, a laugh like a loon and giggling at the other Survivors while pointing at them does NOT count as "something stupid" I'll have you know.


In thinking about his plan to try to get rid of my precious Lacey, Tempestt comes to the conclusion that he has no other choice but to make a pitch to Kass, attorney at law, to flip again. Kass predicted this might happen and she was right! She knew her old alliance would be mad at her, but she also knew that, in a bind, they'd beg for her to come back. Kass responds to Tempestt's pitch by telling him that she'll seriously think about it and that it's definitely an option for her. Personally, this isn't the response I was hoping to hear. I like Kass and I like several people in her new alliance (Lacey, MalnuTrisha, Woo, LJ), but I don't like the idea of having her piss them off. Tempestt and his crew of thumbtacks might get over betrayal quickly, but Lacey and his crew won't.


The big question now is, what will Kass do? And this brings us to Tribal Council. Dimples begins by asking Lacey about what went down at last week's Tribal. Lacey tells him that the wind simply switched directions and now they have an alliance of 6 instead of 4. Kass very matter of factly raises her hand, "And Dimples, obviously I was the wind that blew through." In the Jury stands, Cagney rolled her eyes, but at home I laughed and I laughed. I love a confident Kass. She's succinct and she doesn't waste anyone's time with politically correct answers.

We then turn to Tempestt who makes a sad face and admits that he got a little out of hand after the last Tribal. He then says something that I couldn't make head or tails of. He says he'd rather go out of the game now with a risk at winning (?) and then he mimed a bunch of things, winked and danced a jig. I don't know what it was supposed to mean, but I think it's something like, "Look at me! Look how I can be dynamic and interesting!"

And this brings us to Funbags. *sigh* Funbags is as about as smart as a doorknob. And her logic, well let's just say that she has none. She admits being weak in Challenges and then farts out something like, "If everyone in the world could choose to be cute or ugly, most would pick cute." And then I thought to myself, "Well, why didn't you?" Ba dum bum! I'm here all week, people. Alright look, Funbags is a dolt with big jugs and if Kass had any inkling to cross back to Tempestt's side, Funbags just completely destroyed it by opening her mouth and letting words fall out of it. More importantly, I gotta scoot. I'm about to become a homeowner (OH MY GOD) and this little lady has to finally stop eating grapes by hanging the bunch over her mouth and go find herself some real live bowls to put them in. By a vote of 75 ugly people, Funbags is the 8th person voted out of Survivor Contagion.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Does Tempestt bother anyone else or is it just me? If an ugly person farts in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Is Woo faster than Sonic the Hedgehog? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!










Thursday, April 3, 2014

Bang Bang


The dank basement smelled metallic and musty as the overhead fluorescent lights buzzed and flickered revealing one new horror after another. The lead investigator on the case had just walked into a scene unlike any she had ever experienced before. 8 years on the force had brought her everything from bodies in car trunks, suicides hanging from trees and the most vile cases of child abuse you could ever imagine. But nothing could have possibly prepared her for the gruesome display of human vivisection laid out before her at this very moment. Pools of blood seemed to join hands and spread across the entire floor as bloodied instruments sat in silence as if resting after a hard day's work.

It was the eyeballs on the shelf that caught her attention first. Eyeballs without a skull look a little bit like ping pong balls staring at you. Staring with that frozen look of fear forever tattooed shiny and slick. With her own eyes she followed the disembodied ones across the room to discover what they were looking at. There, on a gurney, was a body seemingly zipped open from neck to pubis. Its organs replaced with puzzle pieces. Painted wooden blocks with letters painted on all 6 sides. She knew she wasn't supposed to touch anything until the rest of the team arrived, but she couldn't help herself. She had to know what those blocks spelled.

Keeping her eyes averted to the crudely removed heart and lungs on her left she strapped on her latex gloves and removed the wooden blocks one by one from the still warm body. Wiping away the blood and viscera on her pants, she placed the blocks on the only dry spot on the floor and attempted to spell different phrases, but nothing seemed to make sense...

Shit basket open her.

Sob. Her penis taketh.

Heathens rip best, ok?

Again and again each phrase seemed sillier than the next.

Spit the boneshaker.

Startling her out of her frustration, her walkie talkie bleeped as her partner told her he was 2 minutes out. She had to figure this out before he got here! With the adrenaline pumping and her fingers shaking, she rearranged the blocks one last time and whispered aloud...

THE TRIBE HAS SPOKEN.

It was then that a giggle startled her. It came from the corner of the room. Snapping her gun from her holster she leapt up and aimed at the darkened corner where the giggling grew louder and louder. As she slowly inched towards the laughter and her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she saw him. The Survivor Serial Killer squishing what appeared to be a liver in between his dirty fingers. And when Sarah's eyes finally locked on Jeremiah's, she knew that the tribe had indeed spoken. She was out of time.

Let's recap, shall we?


With the moon high and the night thick with blackness, we continue our salacious saga at Atari (Aparri). As the weary travelers return from Tribal Council, Tempestt (Spencer) is feeling spry and loose. Voting out one of his own hasn't rattled him none because as it stands right now the Ataris have the majority in the case of a Merge. Cagney (Sarah), however, thinks that resting on their laurels is for suckers. Instead, she wants them all to decide who they'll vote off of the other tribe if they are to Merge tomorrow. We hear someone mumble the name "MalnuTrisha" (Trisha) and, seemingly satisfied, the group puts all of their hands into the center of a circle cementing a flimsy Top 6. Kass, attorney at law, isn't as optimistic and relaxed as the rest of her tribe. She has seen deals like this go down before - Guilty pleas changed to Not Guilty, judges bought with mob dollars, crooked cops lying through their teeth on the stand. Kass has experienced it all. So she'll go ahead play along with yet another silly handshake, but she knows that the best laid plans often end up sprawled out on a murder scene floor... or stuffed inside of a dissected corpse.


With the memory of the Top 6 handshake in the forefront of her mind, Kass, attorney at law, begins the next morning with a walk on the beach with Cagney. Cagney reiterates that the Top 6 will be totally fine as long as they don't let on as to whom they're planning to voting out. Kass nods in agreement. Up, down, up, down, up... "The only people that personally I would be concerned are you and Jeremiah."... down. Oh dear. Kass is doing that thing again. That awesome thing where her ability to tell falsehoods is switched off and the Truth Spell is activated. It didn't go down so well on that episode of Charmed and it's about to wreak a little havoc here on Survivor.

Upon hearing that Kass is suspicious of her, Cagney crosses her arms over her chest and begins inching the fingers of her bottom hand towards the pistol in her under arm holster. Gripping the department-issued Glock with her right hand, Cagney tells Kass that she is offended hearing that Kass doesn't trust her. Kass shrugs her shoulders and says, "I don't think you'll flip. You'd be stupid to flip. I didn't mean to offend you." I want to live in the universe that is Kass's mind. I want to live in a place where you can say, "I think you're a lying stupid face" and have it not be offensive. I'd tell everyone everything. Like just last week I was at the airport and a guy reeking of cumin and bleu cheese walked right by me effectively causing me to choke and gag. In response, I slid down in my seat and lowered my chin into my scarf. With my nose safely covered, I closed my eyes and prayed that Mr. Stinky Pants wouldn't be sitting next to me on my 5 1/2 hour flight.


Now, if I was Kass, my reaction would have been quite different. Instead of screaming to myself inside my brain and panicking unnecessarily, I would have simply walked over to the Newsstand, purchased a stick of Mitchum, walked back to the gate, tossed the stick into Mr. Stinky Pants lap and declared, "You stink. Put this on before you board the plane and kill us all." It's quick, effective and doing the public a great service. That all sounds great, but we're forgetting that a maneuver like this also requires balls. Big swinging sweaty balls. Kass has them which is a little surprising to Cagney who thinks she has them too. A police officer should have balls I suppose. They probably give you a pair when you get your badge and Dunkin' Donuts coupon. But as much as Cagney likes to go on and on about how you don't want to piss her off or get on her bad side, I think her balls got left behind in Customs because the only response she has for Kass is, "I'm nahhht flipping. I'm nahhht."

And so, with Cagney now on edge and Kass telling the various insects that inhabit camp exactly what she thinks of their insect-y ways, Tree Mail arrives and reads, "You guys are merging." Tempestt scratches his head and says, "I think we're merging. I mean, I hope we're merging." Tasha then claps her hands abruptly, "Alright everyone, let's practice!"

Meanwhile, over at Salami (Solana) LJ and Lacey (Tony) read about the Merge and immediately run to dig up their respective Hidden Immunity Idols. Both men are well aware that their tribe has one less member than the Ataris. If ever there was a week that they might need their Idols, this week is it. Surprisingly, to just about everyone I think, Lacey confesses that if he needs to use his Idol on a tribemate, he will. There is a team spirit at Salami that hasn't ever existed at Atari. They're a tight and supportive group that knows their strength is in numbers. They may only have 5 right now, but they are a cohesive unit. Over at Atari you've got 6 individuals and when you play as an individual you are at a greater risk of going home.

And this brings us to the Merge:


"Oh my god, here they come." 
"Hi guys, we come in peace!"
"Something is suspicious about this. Something is brewing."
"Hey, we brought food and wine!"
"Get in your formations and remember what we did in practice!"


When the Salamis finally arrive ashore, the two tribes hug and greet each other pleasantly enough. They ooh and ahh over their fancy new black buffs at the same time discovering that yet another Hidden Immunity Idol is now in play. Not only is there another Idol to uncover, but this Idol has special powers. Naturally, or perhaps unnaturally, Mr. Wilde comes knocking on my noggin when I hear about this new statue with powers and my mind is immediately flooded with images of Survivors making reckless wishes as Dorian Gray did. Perhaps Funbags (Morgan) would wish for a world with no ugly people. Jeremiah might wish for a scythe or a hacksaw. And Jeffrey (Jefra)... well Jeffrey would probably wish for an incubator to hatch those eggs properly.

With a new tribe name in place - Ovarian (Solarrion), Jeffrey finally takes a look around her and realizes that the pipe cleaner Alexis is gone. Lacey, too, is mildly disturbed that she has been voted off. Without Alexis there to rejoin up with Jeffrey and the Salamis, Lacey is going to have reel Cagney back in. After all, she did swear on her badge way back when and, if you'll remember, there is no word stronger than the word of a cop. Riiiight.


With bellies full and and nothing but a lazy day ahead of them, the Survivors scatter hither and thither around camp. MalnuTrisha holds a Pilates class with Funbags, Tasha and Kass while Lacey, Woo and LJ discuss how Lacey needs to get Cagney back on their force. Wasting no time at all, Lacey pulls Cagney aside and asks her where her loyalty lies. She replies by telling him that in all honesty she is floating right now. Unsatisfied with this answer, Lacey tells her that they've got a strong alliance of 6 with her and one by one by one they'll start picking off the rest of the Ataris. Cagney replies by shifting her weight side to side and pretending to adjust the piece of driftwood she fashioned into a police baton. Lacey, picking up on her uneasiness, blurts, "Swear on your badge! Swear on your badge right now!" Cagney states matter of factly that she can't at this point in time. *sigh* This isn't a time to pretend you're Kass, Cagney. Lie! Lie to him and make him feel comfortable you twit!

Not only did she play out that scene with Lacey all wrong, but while musing on the conversation for our benefit Cagney makes that all too common mistake of thinking that being a swing vote makes you the most powerful player in the game. No, no and no. All being a swing vote means is that you're on the bottom of not only one, but two alliances. It means you're wishy washy and can't commit. It means you probably don't have many friends and might be really freaking annoying and arrogant. There are two things that bother me in life - foods with textures like pudding and Survivors saying, "I'm in control of the game." Pudding is mushy and gross and might as well be a bite full of mucus in your mouth. As for saying you're the all great and powerful and Survivor, well, that's just silly.

When you get silly and highfalutin about one thing, you're bound to get silly and highfalutin about everything else. While meeting with the task force that are the Salamis, Cagney debriefs the team on what is about to happen...

"Alright team, we've got two perps on the loose. One is beautiful and the other one is from a land of unknown origin. The beautiful one goes by the street name 'LJ' and all evidence points to him being unarmed and not having an Idol."
"Umm I think he does have an Idol."
"But MY file says he's unarmed. Moving on... Our second perp is difficult to understand, absolutely unarmed and definitely laughs like a loon."
"How do you know he doesn't have an Idol?"
"Because I said so!"
"I think we should go after Jeffrey."
"Negative."
"Well, I think we should go after MalnuTrisha."
"No! I'm the commissioner and I say no! Now go out and commandeer a rowboat before sundown."


Yeah, Cagney is pretty unbearable. You know it, I know it and Kass, attorney at law, definitely knows it. The Ataris are supposed to be a team, but there is nothing team-like in Cagney barking orders at everyone and refusing to vote out who the rest of the team wants to vote out. To make matters worse, Cagney then goes and brings up that b-word. No, not bitch. BULLY. Because Kass and Jeremiah won't bend to Cagney's will, she says they're bullying her. Really? Really Cagney? Bullying? Oh stick a cork in it. No one is bullying you. I hate that term and find it offensive, but if we're splitting hairs here, if anyone is the bully it's YOU. And while I'm on the topic I move that the word "bully" be stricken from all reality shows and all music video themes. From now on the only person allowed to say "bully", is a turn of the century pipe smoker with a pocket watch and a handlebar mustache. He says, "Bully for you!" in that charming olden timey way. That's it! No one else is allowed to say it.


And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge, you will balance on wooden Asian hats in the water while your feet suffer on little ridges. The last one left standing wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!



And because... obviously. WOO WINS IMMUNITY!


Back at Ovarian, Cagney is talking... again. Did you know that she's the swing vote? Did you know that there are 5 people here and 5 people there and that leaves only her in the middle? Did you know that she gets to pick a side? Did you know that she's in the best position possible? Did you know, did you know, did you know, did you know?!? *takes Cagney's gun out of her holster and shoots self in the head*

Time for another task force meeting!


"Alright team, who do we want to get out?"
"I think Jeffrey. I think the smartest would be Jeffrey."
"No!"
"Yeah, that's what I was thinking too... Jeffrey."
"No!"
"There is no way anyone would play an Idol on her."
"My case file says that none of them have an Idol."

So yeah, they're getting a lot accomplished.


Back onshore, the Salamis are watching the meeting in the water and deducing that Cagney must be the one in charge because she's the one who keeps hitting everyone with her driftwood baton. MalnuTrisha turns to Lacey and tells him that there is no way he can trust Cagney anymore. Plus, earlier in the day she witnessed Kass and Cagney have a little bitch spat where Kass was all "Rawr rawr!" and Cagney was all, "Rawr rawr rawr!"

Meanwhile, back in the water...



With the task force meeting over, Kass decides that she's had just about enough of Cagney calling the shots and destroying the game. In fact, instead of letting Cagney destroy the game, why doesn't Kass take this bull by the horns and destroy it herself? I have no idea what any of this "destroying" talk is referring to. Is it another rice dump? Is it a shelter fire? Is it having Woo practice his high kicks on Cagney's face? I don't know! All I know is that it sounds dramatic and delicious and something I definitely want to witness. Yay!


Like we've experienced before with Kass, whenever she gets the urge to make a game changing move, an opportunity always - ALWAYS - falls right into her lap. And that's exactly what happens when husky throaty MalnuTrisha (who is totally growing on me btw) asks in that smoky voice of hers, "Do you have any interest in joining us?" From my couch I whooped and cheered, sacrificed a virgin and hoped to goddess that Kass would say yes. After the two discuss how they'd both like to get rid of Cagney, Kass rolls around the idea of switching allegiances and the more she rolls it, the more she loves it. The excitement wells inside of her as well as MalnuTrisha who is breathily delivering the news to the boys, "[Kass] is with us!"


And this brings us to Xanadu... I mean, Tribal Council. All of our Survivors are lined up in a row. Both tribes think they have the upper hand. Both tribes couldn't be more wrong. Let's begin the madness!

We begin with LJ as he comments on how being voted out tonight would be the worst best compliment that he's a big threat in the game. And then we have Tasha, silly silly Tasha, who staunchly declares, "He SHOULD be worried!" You sure Tasha? You sure you don't want to hold another scrimmage and think it over?


And then we come to Lacey. Crazy kooky Lacey with what looks like antlers tattooed all up his arm. Lacey states that not only is everyone playing the game really smart (Ha!), but that Survivor isn't a numbers game, it's an alliance game. Tempestt then grabs his opportunity to mug it up for the cameras yet again by squenching his face and crinkling his nose in that "What poppycock!" kind of a way.

This is where Dimples decides to steer the conversation into a different direction and ask about Hidden Immunity Idols. He asks LJ if he thinks anyone happens to have one and are they a concern at all. LJ answers noncommittally by suggesting that there might not be an Idols at all.

"There's Idols."

Oh hello, Lacey. Do you have something you'd like to say?

"I got one."


Dun, dun, dun! Oh snap!

("It's right here. See?")

Tempestt once again makes his Kandi Burruss face and asks Lacey to prove it, "You want to pull it out?" Whoa, whoa, whoa... slow down there buddy. We don't need to see Lacey's p... ohhhh you meant pull out the Idol. Never mind! So yeah, show us your Idol, Lacey. And you know what? He does! All of the blood immediately drains from Cagney's face, Jeffrey thanks God, Tempestt turns bright red and Tasha can't push her eyeballs back in quickly enough. It was FANTASTIC! Oh sure, maybe it wasn't the brightest thing for Lacey to do, but it was drama! And that's all I care about - the shade of it all.


Oh, but Lacey isn't done yet! He waves his arms over those Atari losers and says, "Look at these 6 faces right here, Dimples. Look what's going on right here, Dimples. Look at 'em, look at 'em, look at 'em." Tasha then chomps down on the inside of her cheek as Funbags starts to eat her lower lip. As for me, oh I laughed and I laughed. And then I paused and hit rewind, "Look at 'em, look at 'em, look at 'em." Ha! That could be one of my most favorite Tribal moments ever.


Obviously, this one holds the number 1 spot. Mama didn't raise no fool.

As expected, those silly No Brainers immediately begin to panic and Tasha starts whispering, "The other one, the other one, the other one..." One would think that someone who holds rehearsals all the time would have planned for every eventuality. Tempestt then announces, "I need a minute!" Meanwhile, all of the Salamis are poking one another ribs and yucking it up. It was fabulous!

And this brings us to the votes. If anyone has a Hidden Immunity Idol and would like to play it, now would be the time to do so. We all knew that crazy looney Lacey would use his, but did we know he'd give it to LJ?! WOW! I totally dig that kind of loyalty. But hey, we're not done yet because guess what? LJ would like to return the favor and now he is going to play his Idol for Lacey. Aww they're homeys! They're bros! They're both really really dumb, but in case I have to say it again... I love me some drama!

Let's read the votes...

JEFFREY... oh shit. A hush falls heavily over the scene.
CAGNEY... yes!
JEFFREY... *gulp*
CAGNEY... Cagney looks to the ground.
JEFFREY... tears begin to fill Jeffrey's eyes.
CAGNEY... Kass smiles.
JEFFREY... we have full on crying now.
CAGNEY... Cagney purses her lips as Jeffrey looks anxiously to the side.
JEFFREY... *silence*
CAGNEY... my heart!
We have a tie. 5 votes Jeffrey and 5 votes Cagney.
*pause*



The 7th person voted out of Survivor Contagion is... CAGNEY!!! *fireworks fill the sky* Lacey immediately starts clapping and mutters, "Bang bang." Open-mouthed, Cagney looks around her and asks, "Who flipped?" Of course muggy mug Tempestt has to have a head shaking reply, "Kass! Zero chance of winning the game." *ahem* Douche.

And there you have it. Holy Christ, that was intense. So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Are you happy that Cagney went home? Can the Salamis stay loyal to each other? How many faces will Tempestt make for the camera next week? More importantly, should I start writing crime novels? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


Thursday, March 20, 2014

Bloggus Interupptus

(Sand Art by Yours Truly, Maui 2014)

Forgive me, bitches, but there will be no new blog this week. Next week I'll be in California for work so the Bitchy Survivor Blog will return on April 3. Again, my apologies. Don't worry, I'm not quitting the season. I'm actually enjoying it! Unforeseen circumstances are to blame. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves and leave comments below.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Don't Do Something Stupid!



Let us, if you will, take a trip back in time. Back to the olden timey days when men clubbed women over the head as a marriage proposal and furkinis were everyday attire. Back before Benjamin Franklin flew his kite, before Madame Curie slaved away in her ramshackle lab shanty, before Jesse Eisenberg invented The Facebook as a place for people to beg for prayers. Back to when "survival of the fittest" actually meant something. Let us rev up our DeLoreans and punch in 3,000,000 B.C.

*vroom vroom* 88 miles per hour *whoosh!*

So here we are in our cave. There are stick figure drawings on the wall, fur pelt tapestries, ornery Sleestak roaming around in the forest, a bison leg roasting over the fire and some chickens noisily strutting around the cave's entrance. The CaveKids like to keep baby chicks as pets so when Henrietta lays an egg CaveDad takes the egg and places it inside the egg incubator, plugged into the cave wall mind you, where the temperature is set to an optimum 99.5 degrees. CaveFamilies are still trying to pull their carts around with square wheels yet they've perfected how to bring baby chicks into the world with an ELECTRIC INCUBATOR. Thank you, Jefra. Thank you for destroying young children's minds with your gobbledygook. Let's recap, shall we?

(Ann Reinking in All That Jazz)

We begin where we always begin - deep in melancholy trying to process what just happened at Tribal Council. Some like to become pensive and wade around in their own thoughts before speaking. Others like to push all the icky memories out of their mind and pretend Tribal never happened. And then we have Funbags (Morgan). Bouncy and quick-tempered, Funbags says the first thing on her mind and that thing is, "Jeremiah is a stupid stinky face!" I am instantly reminded of myself back in the 2nd grade. I was in Catholic school and it was Halloween. Me and another girl - I can't remember her name so I'll call her ShitHead - were the final two for Best Costume. ShitHead was a French Maid (a 2nd grader in Catholic school was a French Maid!) and I was a dancer in All That Jazz complete with fishnets, a hat and, inexplicably, a cane. One might say, "But Lala, you balk at a French Maid in 2nd grade yet you were wearing fishnets!" Yeah, so?

ANYHOW, no one could decide who had the better costume, me or ShitHead. The class voted and it was a dead tie. After I made a mental note to kill everyone who voted against me, the teacher made the decision to send us to the front office and have the office ladies decide which one of us had the best costume. ShitHead stood there with a stupid smile on her face holding her skirt out at both sides while I stood there with one hand on my cane, the other at the edge of my hat and my sassy little hip jutted out to the side. I was all Fosse, baby, and I was serving up some major 'tude. After what seemed like an eternity of debating in front of us...

"Isn't her skirt darling?"
"But look at that one with her hat and cane!"
"The French Maid has a pretty brooch though."
"The jazz girl just winked at us!"
"No, I like the French Maid better."
"Ok fine. We'll give it to the French Maid."

Why my defender gave in so easily is a mystery to me. She clearly had insecurity issues and probably ate entire pound cakes in one sitting while bemoaning the fact that she couldn't land a husband back at her shitty apartment every night, but I digress! So ShitHead won Best Costume and I was FURIOUS. I waited until recess and while playing handball with one of my friends I complained, "I hate ShitHead so much! I'm never talking to her again!" Like it was ShitHead's fault I lost and not the manic depressive's in the front office. Now, why am I relating this tale in this here little bloggy blog? Because FunBags is just like 2nd grade me! If something doesn't go her way, she stomps her foot and vows to get revenge.

Silence Of The Lambs

After Funbags calls Jeremiah a poopy head, she asks him in front of everyone why he changed his mind when all along he said he was in an alliance with Funbags and Brice. Jeremiah replied the only way he knows how - with some syllables, "Fer smuh gra lerg." As a trained entomologist, I don't speak serial killer, but I can only assume he said something like, "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."

The next day we rise and shine with those brainiacs on the Brains tribe. Tree Mail!

"Can you see yourself as a leader? Can you see when you're about to fall? Can you see your tribe winning some protein when you can't see at all?"
"We're playing for another tarp!"
"And it sounds like we'll be wearing ear plugs."
"Let's practice!"


Once again Tasha the teacher takes the lead during practice time. With her tribe sitting around her in a circle wearing coconut shell earmuffs, Tasha begins to lead a class in lip reading. Enunciating her words dramatically, Tasha mouths things as her tribe takes turns guessing what she's saying. Tasha would mouth, "Immunity" and Jenga would guess, "Radiation!" Yep, they're going to nail this Challenge!


And this brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Come on in guys! For Today's Challenge, one person will be the caller while the rest of the tribe will be blindfolded. Using only verbal commands, the caller will direct a pair of blindfolded tribe members to collect 5 items. Each time you bang into a post and pierce your reproductive organs, you bring back the item and hoist it up to the caller. Once you've collected all 5 items, the caller will send you out to deliver your stillborn baby and get one final tribe flag. The first tribe to raise their flag wins 3 egg laying hens and a rooster. The 2nd place tribe wins a dozen eggs. The tribe in last place gets the gift of never having children.

Brawns, you have 200 extra people on your tribe. Who are you sitting out? Woo and Cagney (Sarah).
Beauty, saline breasts can pop if you bang them too hard, who are you sitting out? Funbags.

Survivors ready, go!





I loathe recapping Challenges so I'll just say this - if the Christian Right gets their way and shuts down Planned Parenthood, simply sign up for Survivor and do this Challenge. It's cheaper than a regular abortion and you can bypass those nutty protesters. It's a win win!




So yeah, basically LJ, Tempestt (Spencer) and Lindsey will never know the miracle that is parenthood. Neither will I (by choice). And this guarantees them (and me!) a happy fun-filled selfish life until their deaths. Enjoy!

In the end, those silly Beauties won the chickens with the Brawns taking home the eggs. Brains, might I suggest you eat Tasha or Jenga?

Survivor Chickens

Wild Chickens on the Road To Hana, Maui 

Back at the Beauty tribe, LJ remarks that this win is exactly what they needed to lift their spirits. Until, that is, Alexis and Jeffrey (Jefra) decided to speak and his spirit once again plummeted down into the great unknown. As the tribe oohs and ahs over their chickens, Alexis stares at the fowl quizzically and asks if the hens and rooster have to do the hibbidy dibbidy in order to produce an egg. Jeffrey isn't sure, but she knows that the eggs definitely need an incubator in order to hatch. As we learned in my opening paragraphs with the cavemen, throughout history various societies, whether they be the Egyptians, the Vikings or the Florentines during the Italian Renaissance, everyone who raised chickens had incubators despite the fact that electricity hadn't been invented yet. Jeffrey may have that thigh gap every girl is pining for nowadays, but she also has a gap where her brain parts should be. Any young women reading this blog, trust me when I say that men don't give a fig if your thighs don't touch. All they care about is having those thighs wrapped around their head and aren't we all a little bit grateful for that?

American Psycho

The next piece of business the Beauties must tend to is killing one of the chickens for a succulent meal. Unsurprisingly, our resident serial killer Jeremiah volunteers for the job. It has been a while since he has had the opportunity to satisfy his bloodlust so this is a particularly joyous occasion for the lad. With the bird's head in his fist, Jeremiah squeezes, swings and yanks the entire head and neck right off the creature. As the chicken's spasmodic body continues to walk around camp, Jeremiah grins and wipes the chicken blood on his face in a warrior fashion. The tribe collectively takes a few steps back away from Jeremiah as his eyes gleam and heart races. Only is the silence broken when Alexis asks, "So chickens don't need a brain to function?" *sigh* Everyone needs a brain to function, Alexis. Well, everyone except for some marine life and you.

The NOT beautiful Jeremiah Wood.

With the Beauties happily nibbling on their chicken, Funbags glares at Jeremiah out of the corner of her eye. She can't believe he won the costume contest with a stupid black skirt! I mean, she can't believe he betrayed her trust. He's as dumb as rocks and a big fat liar. Her words, not mine. And Funbags doesn't want to be conceited, but why is Jeremiah here in the first place? He's not that beautiful and only beautiful people are allowed on the Beauty tribe.

Meanwhile, over at the Brawn camp, Cagney is also peering out of the corner of her eye with a grimace. She sees Lindsey and Cliff talking and joking around and she doesn't like it one bit. Ever since Lacey (Tony) told Cagney that phony piece of intel about how Lindsey and Cliff want to vote her out, it has consumed Cagney day and night. She put out some BOLO's and APB's, made a list of Lindsey's known associates and before Cliff can lawyer up, she needs him gone. Like, now. Like, NOW now. Like, let's do something completely irrational and throw a Challenge now. I don't know if Cagney broke into the evidence room and got into some crystal meth but what the hell is she thinking?! You never, and I mean NEVER, throw a Challenge. Especially if it's based on the intel from a guy who lied to you about being a cop in the first place!

In order to pull off her cockamamie plan, Cagney pulls Woo into an interview room and begins her pitch by telling him how Cliff doesn't need the money. First off, Survivor isn't a game based on need. I don't care if a player is a Zillionaire, they deserve the same chance as a homeless person. We're playing a game here, not giving hand outs. Secondly, if you're Jeff Kent (and a loyal reader of this blog), then you know as well as I do that after taxes the prize comes out to a dead ant and a banana peel.


Surprisingly, after hearing Cagney's pitch, Woo agrees with her! Woo, who has been the Bubba to Cliff's Forrest, wants his chance to shine and know what it feels like to have a million dollars (a jar of toenail clippings if you're Jeff Kent). The two pound it out and agree to get rid of Cliff at the next vote.


And this brings us to my man Lacey. Lacey sees Cagney and Woo coming out of the trees and immediately wonders what they've been up to. Yo Lacey, had you built a mobile Spy Shack or a franchise of Spy Shacks, you wouldn't be wondering, you'd be knowing. I told you that Spy Shack is useless being stuck to one spot! Anyhow, Cagney fills in Lacey on Woo wanting to join forces and target Cliff. At first, Lacey is skeptical, but Cagney assures him that Woo is on board. They now have a 4 person alliance (Cagney, Lacey, Woo, MalnuTrisha (Trisha)) against Lindsey and Cliff. Cagney couldn't be more thrilled. She's stoked at the idea of 2 cops making it to the end. Lacey replies, "Cops 'R Us, baby!" You say Cops 'R Us, I say Keystone Cops.

Speaking of Lacey - excitable, anxious, jittery Lacey with an accent I have had much trouble trying to place. It has hints of everything from New Yawk to Bah-ston to rapper to Bristol and I've scratched my head many an evening trying to figure out where the hell I've heard it before. Last night it finally hit me. I figured it out!



Lacey speaks the language of Special K - a unique mélange of craziness.

Moving on... after the Brawns tribe reads their Tree Mail describing a basketball challenge, Cagney confronts all the members of the Keystone Cops and tells them that they should throw the Challenge. At home, every Survivor fan's reproductive organs either fell off or spilled out of them. Neighbors up the street frantically called 911 thinking those screams they were hearing was a violent altercation of someone in trouble. No dear neighbors, it was worse than that. It was a SURVIVOR WANTING TO WILLINGLY THROW A CHALLENGE. In the handbook of reality television, there are certain rules and guidelines you need to follow:

Rule #1: Never address the cameras directly unless you are in an interview situation. (Ahem, BB)

Rule #2: Never say that someone isn't deserving of the cash prize because they are wealthy.

Rule #3: Never bible thump, pray or say that God helped you in any way.

Rule #4: Never eat with your mouth open.

Rule #5: Never clap your hands when you're in the middle of an argument.

Rule #6: Never fake a romance to get the audience's approval.

Rule #7: Never name your own alliance.

Rule #8: Never ever ever throw a Challenge. Ever!

There are like 865 more rules, but those are the most important ones to me. What reality rules do you hold dear? Let me know in the comments.

So yeah, Cagney is committing a cardinal sin and only Woo seems to have a problem with it. Oh, it's not for ethical reasons of preserving the sanctity of the game. Poppycock! It's so he can maybe shoot hoops next to Cliff and score a victory together.


And this brings us to a hot mess of an Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! For today's Challenge you are going to dive down and release a buoy. Once you've collected all 5 buoys you will throw those buoys into your basket. The first 2 tribes to get all their buoys in win Immunity. The last tribe to finish goes to Tribal Council. Lacey and Lindsey will sit out for the Brawns while Alexis will sit out for the Beauties. Survivors ready, go!


The first buoy is the easiest to release since it's only 3 ft down in the water, but Jenga is alive and lives and breathes which means that she is going to be a flailing hot mess who can barely dog paddle yet alone stick her head under the water. Then we have MalnuTrisha over on the Brawns tribe doing Cagney's bidding and purposely trying to suck at the Challenge. Which brings us back over to the Brawns where Kass, attorney at law, is sucking at the Challenge and gives up empty-handed.

This same pattern repeated for what seemed like eternity. We had the Brawns trying to suck and the Brains legitimately sucking. All the while, the Beauties actually did what they were supposed to. They hauled ass and BEAUTY WINS IMMUNITY!


The eternal battle of suckage continued until we got to the basketball portion. Cliff was crushing it - obviously - while Tempestt was struggling because that cinder block Jenga was in the water drowning rather than swimming the buoys back to Tempestt. Whose executive decision was it to put Jenga in the water and have her fetch balls? She can only swim doing the backstroke! I'm blaming Tasha for this one. She's taken the helm in every aspect of the tribe and I'm guessing she put Jenga in the water instead of herself. And that was the Brains ultimate downfall - that damn cinder block. With the buoys in the baskets at 4-3, Cliff shoots and scores and BRAWNS WIN IMMUNITY!

Back at the Brains tribe, Tempestt is naturally frustrated. He knows the girls have an alliance, but looking back on that Challenge he was the only one doing anything which makes this entire scenario incredibly unfair. Lucky for Tempestt, Kass, attorney at law, thinks it is unfair as well. Kass approaches Tasha in private and tells her that she really can't come up with a reason to get rid of Tempestt. Jenga was horrifyingly bad in that Challenge while Tempestt busted his ass trying to win. Listening to all of this, Tasha can't help but agree with Kass. There is no denying how hard Tempestt worked and how little Jenga did. They'll continue getting picked off one by one unless they have the strongest tribe possible and "strongest tribe possible" does not include Jenga.


After Kass and Tasha have come to the agreement that Jenga needs to go, Kass suggests that they still make Jenga feel safe as well as keep Tempestt in the dark. It's best for everyone involved that Jenga feels like she has nothing to worry about or else she could go bonkers again and burn down the shelter or pee in the water supply. Tasha agrees and the two head back to camp.


Kass and Tasha continue their charade of how Tempestt needs to go because as soon as they merge, he'll go team up with men. Tasha then brings up the subject of loyalty which sets Jenga off and running. Oh sure, on day 6 she threw rice on the fire, but she's loyal through and through. Yes siree bob. *raises hand* Loyal to who?! The Rice Satyr? You sure weren't loyal to your tribe when you DESTROYED THEIR FOOD. So now, brimming with all that loyalty, Jenga is hanging on for dear life - just like the cat in that 'Hang In There' poster. Jenga tells Kass and Tasha that since they had her back and kept her, she is 100% loyal to them and always will be even during the Merge.


And that's all it took. One measly promise from a girl who can't swim, who can't solve puzzles, who is lazy around camp, who could destroy crucial elements of survival at any moment and who is an all around pain in the ass to convince Tasha that maybe they should keep her after all. Tasha is a wishy washy flibbertigibbet. If we're being completely honest here, she's just as bad in Challenges as Jenga is! What's worse is that she's the one who holds all those ridiculous practice sessions where she barks orders at everyone. She's very Lord Grantham. She's fancies herself a leader, but she's really the angel of death and bankruptcy.

And this brings us to Tribal Council where we have no idea how Kass and Tasha are going to roll. Kass simply wants Tasha to make a decision while I simply want Kass to nut up and take the reins of this joke of a tribe. Kass is leader material. I am fully confident that she can do the job.


Tribal Council begins with the smack of Dimples' hands against his khakis and continues with silence. A deafening silence as Dimples stares at the Brains and wonders what they have to say for themselves. The Brains all kind of stare at the ground while Dimples shrugs his shoulders and wonders if perhaps shooting them all in the head would be an easier way to get through this. Personally, I think they should all be made to dance with one of those snakes we keep seeing in the cut aways. Whoever doesn't get bit can stay and play Survivor.

After what seemed like minutes, Dimples finally asks Jenga what her responsibility is in relation to Challenge losses. Jenga replies that she did her best and that all of this "loss" is actually quite unusual for her. Usually she rises to the top (of a nuclear explosion) in high stress situations. I just want to say here and now that having Jenga in charge of anything remotely related to the possibility of me getting sick from radiation poisoning scares the crap out of me. I don't care if she's answering phones down at the reactor site. I don't care if she's the parking attendant in the staff parking lot at the reactor site. I don't want her anywhere near one of those places. If any government officials are reading this, please revoke the Copacabana degree she has hanging in her assisted living dorm and make us all a little bit safer. I'm not joking. I know I frequently exaggerate things in my little recaps, but I have seen nothing from this girl other than a walking disaster. It's is truly frightening.


What else is frightening is that Tasha hasn't bothered to make any sort of decision as to whom she plans on voting out. None! I'm not sure why she thought Tribal Council was the place to have her meeting with Kass, but that is indeed what happened. As Tempestt is explaining why he is valuable to this tribe, Tasha frantically whispers to Kass, "What do you want to do?" Oh come on! You're the self proclaimed leader for crying out loud!

Clearly Dimples is as just as frustrated as we all were because he interrupts Tempestt and points out that the most important decision regarding his game is happening RIGHT NOW. And Tempestt, Tempestt!, is all, "Yeah I know." Didn't he describe himself as a "diabolical genius" in the premiere episode? There is nothing diabolical about him and, I'm sorry, but I see no geniuses anywhere.

Let's get this over with. By a vote of thirty fifteen to nine twelvety, Jenga is the 4th person voted out.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? I'm not even going to ask if they made the right decision because OF COURSE THEY DID. What do you think about Cagney wanting to throw the Challenge? Will Lindsey miss her vagina? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!