Monday, December 21, 2009

A Bunch of FECKLESS Idiots

A big gigantic steaming pile of bullshit. That's what I'm picturing right now. Sprinkle on top of that a generous dusting of disappointment, disbelief, and anger and you've pretty much got my innermost feelings in a nut shell. The weird part about it is that there's something oddly familiar about this feeling I'm experiencing right now. Is it possible I've gone through this once before? Oh, I don't know, maybe 3 MONTHS AGO WHEN A BLOATED SOUTHERN IDIOT WON BIG BROTHER?!? Seriously, how frustrating is it when a massive amount of cash is simply handed over to someone who does very little, lurks in the background, and relies on someone stronger to carry her through to the end? It's hair pulling, teeth clenching (Owww!), kitten punching kinds of frustrating is what it is. I don't care if the winner is likable and cute. I'm not talking about winning a likable and cute contest, am I? No. I'm talking about winning brutal human chess games fortified with layers of strategy, betrayal, and deception. Games that take ruthless planning and require razor sharp instincts. Games where you leave emotion at the door and pray that God won't send you to hell when it's all said and done. Games where skill and cunning should be rewarded not ignored. Games where blonde simpletons don't walk away with loads of cash in their pockets! Games where a jury comprised of MORONS doesn't make some chick with an accent wealthy! FUCK! Let's recap, shall we? This is really long so settle in.

The episode opens with an all too familiar sound... well, since Shambo's gone it's not her purring so that leaves only one other option. Yep, the sound of Pretty Boy Jaison bitching and moaning about how hard Survivor is. The precious little prima donna has a case of the runs and no one's fed him grapes while rubbing his feet for the past month so the poor little pony needs a nap. Lucifer, reading my mind, rubs his belly and bellows that the bitching from the Pretty Boy needs to stop. He doesn't need to hear that crap. He doesn't need to be bothered with people who ache for pumice stones and foie gras. At this point in the game he needs to be surrounded by SUPERSTARS, people who actually deserve to be there. Instead of lying around moaning about how hard life is, they should be doing push-ups and sprints and preparing to kick that kid with the freaky nipples' ass! How did Lucifer get to this point in the game surrounded by a bunch of inept misfits? I'll tell you how. He brought them there.

Except for Useless Brett (nee Nipples McGee), every single one of those bitches got where they were because of Lucifer. Nipples snuck into the game 3 days ago on a ferry boat full of fisherman. He wore a dark wig, some rubber boots, and a painted on a mustache. It's amazing, really, how easy it is to cross International waters unnoticed, but that's neither here nor there. This mysterious Bible quoting nipply freak of nature snuck into the game and apparently he's here to stay. What's worse is that everyone is actually scared of this sideways talking kid with the floppy hair and horrifying t-shirts. Lucifer can't comprehend what about him is so scary. He declares, "He's not Mike Tyson. He's Brett!" And then he cut a squirrel's head off or something. I can't remember.

And we arrive at our first Immunity Challenge. I'll be honest here. I was kind of preoccupied with yelling at fucktarts online who kept tweeting and faceboooking spoilers (You see, I was about 15 minutes behind everyone else. I'm not sure why, but everyone was getting the show at different times last night.) to take my usual painstakingly perfect notes. As luck would have it, it turns out my notes didn't need to be intricate and detailed. Players were instructed to race an obstacle course, collect puzzle pieces, and solve said puzzle. Hmm, now where have I seen a challenge like that before? *scratches head* Oh, I know! I've seen it in just about every. single. challenge. this. season. Look CBS, I know times are tough and the economy isn't what it used to be and all, but that's no excuse for flaking out on the challenges for your only/hugely popular reality shows. Is it too much to ask for some ingenuity? Maybe you could borrow whoever designs those courses for WIPEOUT. It's just a suggestion. Yeah so anyhow they ran, they gathered, they tried to solve, and that little pustule BRETT WINS IMMUNITY... again. FUCK!

Lucifer is a little nervous at this point. Not for himself mind you. He's nervous for Natalie. You see, in Lucifer's mind he thinks there's no way in hell a jury would give a little quiet timid coattail riding blonde girl who's avoided making a single decision the entire length of the game a million dollars. I mean, seriously, something that ludicrous could never happen. right? *sigh* It's a shame Lucifer was in Samoa all summer. Had he been here to watch Big Brother 11 he would have seen how exactly something that horrifying could happen. Anyhow Lucifer, unaware that moronic juries grow on trees now, spends a good amount of time securing Natalie's safety. He tells Pretty Boy Jaison they'll vote out Buzkill Mick and he tells Buzzkill Mick they'll vote out Pretty Boy Jaison. When the time is right, Lucifer and Natalie will decide which one will get the axe.

This brings us to our first Tribal Council of the evening. Jeff Dimples Probst immediately starts in on Nipples pointing fingers saying things like, "Hey, didn't you get here on a fishing boat?" Jeff, like so many of us, is kind of flummoxed as to how Nipples is still there, where he came from, and when, for the love of god, is he leaving. Nipples just smiles, talks out of half his mouth, and tries to conduct a mass or something. Jeff cuts him off and tells him it's one thing to get to the end, but it's entirely another to deserve to be there. Oh Jeff, you have no idea how profound (and prophetic) you are. I spent half the summer fighting off bored cat ladies wondering how the hell Jordan, who ate her weight in cookie dough daily, managed to stay in the Big Brother house. You know how there's "Save Darfur"? Well, I kind of want to "Save Reality". Yes, I'm saying it, nondeserving blonde southern chicks winning large sums of money is akin to genocide, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Ok so let's vote.... JAISON GET THE FUCK OUT. Good. It's about time. He should have been gone in Week 3.

Pretty Boy Jaison whimpers a little, asks for some cuticle cream, and through some massive pouting declares that he's now rooting for Nipples. Wha... wha... what?!? Nipples?!? You spend a horrifyingly difficult month in the jungle calling yourself a master strategist and you're ready to hand a million to some kid who didn't even show up until 3 days ago? *throws hands in air* And there, my lovely readers, is where the game begins to slowly crumble and fall apart. Actually, in an effort to be brutally accurate, the game started to fall apart for me after seeing last week's Life At Ponderosa episodes. Seeing Kelly and Medusa sit and marinate in their own bitterness was a telltale sign that this entire season was not going to end well. Emotions. Those pesky little things that break people's hearts, instigate murders, and get drowned out with copious amounts of prescription drugs have no place in a game like Survivor. Leave those bitches at the door. Emotions are for Lifetime movies and funerals not for a Survivor Jury.

Back at camp, Nipples and his... well, nipples... are positively beaming. He declares it's a miracle he's still there and then he tries to turn some water into wine I think. Buzzkill Mick in a pretty funny aside mutters something about the reamaining four being the "Final Foa". Lucifer, on the other hand, actually gets down to business and begins to plan his next move. He pulls Nipples aside and makes a Final Three deal with him. Lucifer knows there's a good chance that Nipples could win the next Immunity Challenge so he needs to get himself an insurance policy. Promising to keep Nipples in the game could save his ass come the next vote. Of course, Lucifer is lying through his missing teeth. He tells us he's "looking out number one" and I'm reminded of my favorite movie STAYING ALIVE. *clutches pearls and thanks the devil below for allowing such a genius film reference*

John Travolta, Finola Hughes, and Cynthia Rhodes... *kissing fingers like a chef* Tony Manero, torn between two women, struggles with emotion and ambition to make it as a professional dancer on the Broadway stage. The inner turmoil he feels is outlined in the Tommy Faragher song "Look Out For Number One". I know this movie by heart. Seriously, don't ever watch it with me. You'll want to stab me to death with whatever pointy object that's handy. Anyhow, before I get further away from the task at hand, here's the song "Look Out For Number One" from the film. Please to enjoy:

Now we arrive at the moment where we look back at all the fallen Survivors. Usually, I don't care for this sequence, but last night's was pretty good. It was filled with snark and humor and was, therefore, totally up my alley. The cast off Survivors were even more annoying in memoriam believe it or not.

First up is Marisa. Lucifer says if he hadn't gotten rid of her she would have been the death of him and then we hear Marisa in that godawful voice of hers going off about how she's a strong woman. Oh pipe down Chachi. You left first. Get over yourself. Second is Mike and he's headstrong blah blah blah. Boring. Betsy... Lucifer talks about she told him he played too hard too fast. He says she shouldn't have been there if she wasn't going to play 100% (I wonder if I could stitch that on a pillow for Jordan). Hillbilly Ben... Mick calls him socially awkward or something and Ben is off in the distance saying he was simply misinterpreted. Yasmin... Ooops I just threw up a little in my mouth. Nipples, of course, calls her a "character" and then we get her voice over where she's still bitching about camping. Throughout this entire look back you'll notice that Nipples loves everyone I hate. For those of you who question me incessantly about why I dislike Nipples so much, there you go.

ASSley... Natalie calls her a little sister and ASSley calls Lucifer a snake. Yeah, so? Dreads... *sticks a hot poker in eye* Nipples sings his praises saying Dreads lead them to victory while in the voice over Dreads is still moaning about not being able to provide for his family or some shit like that. Oh and here was something interesting. Dreads says that if he didn't have a family he would have wanted to die on Survivor. Did that strike anyone else as really fucking creepy? Asian Liz... Natalie calls her a rock star and Liz says she now understands the "depth of patience". Erik... They begin to call him a fierce competitor and then Mick just flat out calls him psycho which kind of made me giggle. Erik killed my whole joyous mood by saying something about being betrayed in order to feel vindicated. Erik and his herpes freak me out. That's all I have to say.

Kelly... Nipples calls her "homegirl" and I died a little inside. Kelly says that all the men were scared of the women and that's why she went home. While I'm all for women power, I completely disagree. The women on this season, save Shambo, were subpar. It's as simple as that. Medusa... Nipples, really testing my patience, calls her a strong player. And then we hear Medusa over and over again saying, "You can't beat me. You can't beat the grandma." Uh bitch, you've already been beaten! Rocket Boy... Lucifer says for some reason John thought Lucifer was telling the truth and John simply calls them all idiots. LOL He makes me laugh. Danger Dave... they call him hilarious and then Dave says he's not easy to get along with. Tell me something I don't know. Pochantas... Lucifer, in a genius moment, calls her the fakest person there. Nipples, out to ruin everything, calls her a firecracker. Since when did Nipples become an 80 yr old man sitting on a porch in a rocking chair whittling wood?

Then we arrive at Shambo... Nipples, in a moment of clarity, turns to the Foa Foa people and tells them they owe everything to Shambo and then they made a Shambo monument and danced around it til the sun went down. Over the ritual of respect we hear Shambo say she was disrespected, alienated, and shunned in a way that is foreign to her. You see, all of her life Shambo has been an "uplifter". She brings peace to an otherwise messed up and cruel world. She lives to lift people up while others work to tear them down. We all paused for a moment and with one fist in the air we muttered, "Respect". Last, and kind of least, is Pretty Boy Jaison. Mick calls him super smart and says we'll be voting for him for Senator one day. I simply logged online and finalized my plans to move to Finland for good. The whole walk through the Fallen Survivors ends with Jaison, typically enough, saying how miserable he was.

OK and now we arrive at the Final Immunity Challenge. Players have to put a statue on the end of a pole and keep it balanced after adding more lengths of pole every 2 minutes. It reminded me of one of those really long light bulb removers. On architectural shoots I use those things all the time to replace incandescent bulbs with blue ones. I actually really liked this challenge. Not only was it unique, tense, and challenging, but mystical magical powers played a part as well. The challenge begins and everyone is intensely focused and serious. They're careful not to jostle their statue and they're concentrating on remaining as still as possible. Nipples' pole was majorly slanting and I wondered for a second if he didn't squeeze some super glue out from his nipples when no one was looking. Buzzkill Mick drops his statue first with Natalie right behind him.

It's down to Nipples and Lucifer. The Smiling Baby Faced Nobody v. The Lord Of The Underworld. Good v. evil is as timeless as it comes my friends. I don't think I need to tell you I was clearly rooting for evil. Jeff, on the other hand, was simply out to make mischief. Dude wouldn't shut up for a second. He kept talking and talking about how Nipples needs to win. Lucifer had had just about enough of Jeff's pontificating so he pursed his lips, called on the forces of nature, and he made the wind start to blow. Seriously, that shit was timed to perfection. It was like Satan and God were watching their earthly counterparts duke it out. I was waiting for lightening to strike and an earthquake to swallow them whole. In the end, good was no match for evil and LUCIFER WINS IMMUNITY!

Back at camp Nipples is near tears talking about how proud he his of himself. Then something really weird happens. Lucifer, bursting from adrenalin and pride, begins bouncing around the camp asking everyone what his chances are of winning. He also starts gathering fire wood which completely freaks Mick out. Lucifer is worried about Galu on the jury and he's uncharacteristically insecure while at the same time he's pronouncing that no one can beat him. The moment I knew he was clearly losing his mind was when he began to talk about how he wants his daughters to marry Nipples. First off, I thought Nipples was gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) and secondly, Lucifer earlier delighted in calling Nipples a 110 lb weakling. I don't know. It was all very strange, but, slowly, in a weird way I began to understand it. You know how when you succeed in something so great and you don't want to exactly gloat, but you need to channel that energy bursting inside you into something... anything? Maybe you do weird chores (a la collecting fire wood) or talk to someone in an overly nice manner so they don't feel quite so inferior to you. When I'm feeling like that I always end up inviting people I can't stand to do things with me. Later I come to my senses and cancel any hastily made plans right quick probably pissing off lots of bitches in the process. We all act weird when confronted with an overwhelming amount of energy. Look at a meth faced kid who takes apart telephones. What I'm trying to say is, Lucifer had energy to burn and when you're out in the jungle with not much to do you burn it by offering your daughters to a freaky large nippled man boy. That's the only excuse I can think of.

Before Tribal Council Lucifer even goes far enough to tell Nipples that in addition to becoming his future his son-in-law maybe he'll take him to the Final Three too. Like me cancelling my plans with bitches I hate, Lucifer also cancels his plans to make Nipples a part of his family and he votes to evict that freak from the jungle once and for all. Of course he does it after complimenting him endlessly and trying to secure his vote, but in the end NIPPLES IS THE LAST PERSON VOTED OUT OF SURVIVOR SAMOA. Hallelujah!

Back at camp, the remaining three are given a breakfast feast to enjoy. Natalie and Buzzkill get busy cooking, but Lucifer decides this is the part where he'll infect their minds or something. He flat out tells them they can't beat him. He attacks Natalie for being nice and he tells Buzzkill he wouldn't be there at all had Lucifer not decided to keep him. It's uncomfortable and awkward and, as much as I like Lucifer, I kind of wanted him to shut up. I'm sure he was thinking he'd psych them out or something, but in the end he just came across as kind of a tool. Pride has always been Lucifer's weakness. He was too proud to keep his profession a secret just like he was too proud to keep his Hidden Idols secret as well. I said a long time ago that his pride would be his downfall. It turns out I am indeed magically and mystically all knowing. Pride is the hardest of all of the seven deadly sins to defeat. Lucifer may be a powerful little instrument of evil, but he's not powerful enough to suppress his pride.

And now we arrive at the final Tribal Council where the Jury members can ask the players questions. First, Dimples lets the finalists give some opening statements. Mick and Natalie keep it brief. Mick tries to talk about playing with integrity while Natalie talks about discovering self confidence. Lucifer, on the other hand, launches into a self serving rundown of how he got rid of every single person in the game. While he was accurate and stating facts, I think his approach might have been a little brusk. You see, Lucifer neglected to realize that the Jury (save Shambo and Rocket Boy) was a bunch of petty emotionally damaged bitch babies who hold grudges. It drives me crazy when I go a whole season analyzing game play only to have it all end in the hands of some whining and bitter fucktards who choose to give a large sum of money to someone who didn't hurt their itty bitty little feelings, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Allow me to summarize the question and answer portion:

Pretty Boy Jaison chooses to waste his question by asking the finalists what they do for a living. Mick and Natalie do their best to deliver sob stories while Lucifer chooses to give a thickly masked version of the truth. At the end, Jaison essentially calls them all liars and then goes back to delinting his Izod shirt.

My girl Shambo is next and she's out for blood. Bless her heart. She's armed with vocabulary words and attitude. It was glorious. She offers a quick apology to America for dismantling Galu and then she turns to Mick, points, and calls him "Feckless". *giggles and claps* Then she turns to Natalie and says she's thinking of a word that starts with 'C'. *bites fist* Jaws hit the floor all over America at that point, but Shambo simply mutters "Coattails". She tells Lucifer she's voting for him, drops her microphone, backs away slowly, raises one hand in the air, and the world erupted into thunderous applause. She outdid Sue Hawk in my opinion. Brava! Brava!

Nipples was just scary. Wearing one of his hideous t-shirts he asks Mick to tell him what they'd do on a "brodate". That's code for "Lover's Weekend". I think he wanted to hear about bubble baths and donating to the poor, but Mick awkwardly offered ear blowing and nipple tweaking.

Kelly-I-Can't-Believe-At-One-Point-I-Liked-This-Bitch steps up and starts throwing hair products at poor Natalie. She's screaming about Natalie not really playing the game and when Natalie tries to respond, Kelly turns to Medusa and makes all sorts of faces. Uhhh jealous much, bitch? She then asks Lucifer what he's like in real life. Lucifer tells her he works in a food bank on holidays, clothes the poor, and rubs ointment on lepers. Kelly sticks her tongue out at him and retreats to the jury where she rests her head on Medusa's shoulder.

Pochantas is doing her "black girl thing" again where she bobbing her head back and forth and snapping her neck every which way. It must be a nervous tic or something. She tells Lucifer he played key moves and asks Mick and Natalie to show her passion because, you know, Pochantas is the epitome of passion. Mick tries to talk but Lucifer just swallows him whole and spits him out so he's squirming on the ground covered in bile and undigested squirrel guts.

Danger Dave totally disappoints me and asks for percentages. I don't know why, but I expected more from him. Anyhow, Lucifer goes from thinking 90% to saying 50%. Who cares what the other two said?

Medusa approaches and her snakes are hungry... they're hungry for compliments. She asks the finalists what they liked about her. They all kind of looked at each other mystified cuz, you know, they hated her. Lucifer pulls a nice big piece of poo out of his ass and tells her she was the biggest threat in the game. Shambo shouts for him to throw the poo at Medusa. Instead, he goes and rubs it in Mick's hair.

Rocket Boy demands Mick gives him the hard sell which, I have to admit, had me in hysterics. Mick giving anyone a hard anything is pretty funny. I'm convinced he has valium coursing through his veins and klonopin for brain cells. Seriously, when I dubbed him Buzzkill Mick I was bordering on genius right there. Natalie, on the other hand, did something smart. She tells John that she saw how all the strong women were going home on her tribe so she made it a strategic decision to lay low. John liked that answer and told her maybe she should win. While it was a good answer I wouldn't exactly go that far.

Erik and his flaming herpes stands there and... wait for it... he starts to cry. He tells the finalists he wants nothing from them. Instead, he'll give them a bowl of his tears. Finally, he gets his shit together and lets the insults fly. He calls Mick a mockery of a leader which I can't entirely disagree with, but when he gets to Lucifer I'm forced to take issue. He tells Lucifer he's unethical and immoral and all I need to do as a retort is direct you to Erik's online bio where he describes in great detail his fondness for womanizing. In the end, Erik gets all dramatic. He was totally trying to copy Shambo. He points at Lucifer and shouts, "Arrogance!". He points and Mick and cries, "Delusional entitlement!". Lastly, he points at Natalie says, "Reality is reality" and promises her his vote. Seriously? This is the sort of lunatic we're forced to let decide who gets a million dollars? Oh hell to the no.

So we've heard from everyone and Jeff swoops in to get his hot little hands on the votes, he thanks everyone for a great season, and magically appears in Los Angeles 3 months later. Now we're at the Reunion. Natalie has put on a good 20 lbs (much needed by the way) and she's wearing one of those Bump-It things in her hair and a dress off the sale rack at Forever 21. Lucifer is sitting next to her in a fedora and a too tight shirt. I have no idea what Mick was wearing because, I mean seriously, who cares?

OK so we all sat up a little straighter, got our champagne glasses ready, and patiently awaited the reading of the votes. Here we go... NATALIE... LUCIFER *the crowd erupts*... NATALIE... LUCIFER *more hooting and hollering*... NATALIE... NATALIE... what the fuck... NATALIE. The 19th winner of Survivor is fucking NATALIE. *sits in stoned silence* Come again? Uh Jeff, I demand a recount. No seriously, recount that shit right now because clearly you misread those wrong.

Wait for it...


*takes a deep breath*


I was going to recap the Reunion, but who really cares at this point? I've spent half the day writing this crap. Writing on pain pills is not my forte so please accept my apologies. All I know is that this outcome is a very fitting conclusion to the crappy week I've been having. It would have been too good to be true for, oh I don't know, a deserving player to actually win a CBS show. Planets would collide and that 2012 movie would come true if something that drastic happened. In conclusion, I can say, with all honesty, that it was a stellar season with the absolute worst ending ever.

The Reunion ended with a very exciting announcement for Survivor 20. As many of you know I posted the potential cast list for this many weeks ago. In case you missed it please click here: Survivor 20. The new season begins February 11 and I will, most definitely, be back for that. Are you kidding me? Heroes V. Villains... I wouldn't miss it for the world.

I'd like to thank everyone who came back week after week. I've truly enjoyed your comments and really appreciate you guys spreading the word. If you've enjoyed what I've done here this season, I ask that you please click on my Donate Button on the right hand side of the page. I wish everyone a happy and healthy holiday season. I'll be having my wisdom teeth brutally ripped out of my head, but don't let that cause you no never mind. ;-) You go right on ahead and open your electronic hamsters, your slipper socks, and your Snuggies. I'll just be here crying my eyes out into a Vicodin smoothie. Don't you worry about me none. Dudes, I'm such a baby. For some hilarity be sure to follow me on Twitter and Facebook where I'll be updating my dental ordeal for the masses. It should be good for a few laughs. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Jeff Probst & Mark Burnett Almost Came To Blows

Hey Survivor Fans! I know it's unusual for me to blog on a Saturday, but I got a hot little nugget of gossip that's dying to get out. It comes straight from a Survivor Insider.

I had asked my source why there were no family visits this year on Survivor and the answer I got was WAY more than I had anticipated. Put down your snow shovels East Coasters, grab yourself a tumbler of Brandy, and get ready for some Survivor Gossip!

The reason there were no family visits this season "is because there was no food and for many days no water after the hurricane came and washed away the shellfish and plant life..."

"Even the family videos [got lost] in the hurricane." CBS had to send film crews to various families houses to reshoot their Sears Family Moment.

Here's the good stuff...

"This was the first year they did not give cast members any rice or other food at all. Also they refused to give them water to drink and the well had dried up after 2 weeks, so they were very dehydrated most of the time. When it was raining they couldn't boil water, so they had nothing to drink. Jeff Probst continually asked Mark Burnett in front of the cast to give them water and food but Mark refused continually. One time they almost came to blows." *bites fist* Is it wrong that I'd totally pay money to see that?

Cast members were even lowered to stealing food from ants. If they saw a trail of ants, they'd get so excited because they knew that food must be nearby. Most of the time they only had coconut to eat, but eating too much of it gave them diarrhea. After leaving the jungle, it took some cast members roughly 3 weeks to be able to eat and process solid food normally again.

Wow! Good stuff. Makes me want to run up to Dimples and pinch his cheeks or something. And that Mark Burnett... what a dick! I get that the tribe members go without food, but water? If the well dried up and they had no other way to get water, why didn't the producers step in and do something? Perhaps offer the tribe another alternative? What do you guys think? Was it too harsh to deny the cast water after their only source disappeared or is that the nature of the game? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Friday, December 18, 2009

You Don't Mess With Perfection

Pain. It's a word I've come to know well this past week. Why, I've become so close with pain I cuddle up with it and sing it lullabies every night. I shower it with powdered Vicodin and, if I'm really lucky, I'll even serve it up an Oxycontin smoothie. You see, my wisdom teeth are trying to make their appearance in the world and they're putting me through hell while they do it. They're like tiny little aliens with Freddy Krueger hands clawing their way through my gums. I'm getting them out next week, but until then they make me wince, scream, punch things, set high school gyms on fire, and, yes, even occasionally cry. Something else has given me the very same reaction.... last night's episode of Survivor. Let's recap, shall we?

The night begins with a coo... a purring if you will. The Mulletted Goddess has loosened her mane of curls and some dude with ginormous nipples is massaging her massive noggin. His name is unimportant. Her name, however, is Shambo. Shambo, the fiesty brute with a heart of gold we've all come to know and love these past 3 months. Shambo, the millitary bad ass who speaks Chicken and rides a Harley. Shambo, maybe not the smartest player, but without a doubt the most adored. Who knew her murmurs and moans were about to foreshadow evil? Who, I ask, could have known that such a peaceful opening could end in such a vile way? WHO?!? *pops another vicodin and sighs* My endless questions and dental suffering were interrupted by the Lord Of The Underworld himself, Lucifer. While Shambo was busy rolling her eyes back into her head, Lucifer was off in another corner telling us that Useless Brett (nee Nipples McGee) has to go next. Nipples winning Immunity is screwing up everyone's plans and Bitch Boy has to go ASAP.

As if his moronic t-shirts and freaky nipples weren't a good enough reason to expel Brett from the jungle, the next segment opens with him spouting out Bible quotes. Ephesians 3:16-19 to be exact. It had something to do with Christ and a heart and a dwelling. I can't be sure, but I think it implied that Christ would break into your dwelling and eat your heart for breakfast. Yeah, that sounds about right. So yeah Nipples McGee is lying in the shelter talking all religious while Natalie listens wide eyed nodding in approval. It turns out she's an Amy Grant listening, Jesus fish on car having, peace be with you spreading Jesus freak. Oh say it isn't so! She was actually growing on me. I liked her spunkiness, her ferocity in challenges, her willingness to kill small woodland creatures, but this new Christian development isn't sitting well with me at all. There are some things in life you're just better off not knowing... like what childbirth feels like or what Carrot Top looks like naked.

Meanwhile over in the sane wing of the camp, Shambo is talking to Lucifer about her luscious locks. Her curls have taken on a life of their own and they're pointing every which way smiling brightly at the universe. Shambo giggles at her own hair and jokes about needing a haircut while Lucifer observes looking slyly out of the corner of his eye. He runs to a free camera and declares, "She should shave that whole head. Mullet went out in the 70's. It looks terrible!" Actually Lucifer, it was the 80's, but Shambo is timeless. She's exempt. Like a classic Valentino suit, Shambo never goes out of style. Lucifer then goes on to accuse Shambo of hiding food in her hair. He claims there's an entire banana tree lurking in there. As funny as that is, it was at that moment that I knew... deep down in my bowels I knew that this night wouldn't end well for my princess. Lucifer was all too ready to insult The Shambo. He calls her disgusting and proclaims he's "tired of looking at that bush of hair". *pause for giggles* Meanwhile Lucifer's walking around with a pot belly and missing or black tooth. You're no looker yourself buddy. *refills canteens with holy water*

This brings us to the Reward Challenge or what I like to call Massive Jenga. The tribe will be divided up into 2 teams. Each team will take turns removing a rope from a series of ropes holding up a bunch of coconuts. The first team to release 100 coconuts loses. The prize is a massive feast at a local village and an overnight stay on a mattress with blankets and pillows. Natalie and Lucifer won the stone choose so they were the captains. Natalie (Purple Team) chose Brett and Mick while Lucifer (Yellow Team) chose Jaison and Shambo. Jeff Dimples Probst was uber douchetastic and immediately started in on Shambo and her hair. Seriously, I think Dimples actually likes making fun of Shambo. The best part though is Shambo is never phased by it. She gives it back to Probst much quicker and funnier than he serves it up.

(The picture sucks but it was the only one I could find. It's hard to tell, but that's Jeff Probst with a mullet in red spandex. Kelly Ripa uses it frequently whenever he cohosts.)

Shambo approaches the Jenga structure focused and ready. She crouches down to study the coconuts when out of nowhere Dimples asks, "What do you call that hair Shambo?" Dude, she's trying to concentrate! Shambo, my hero, not missing a beat counters back, "Shambolicious, baby." Dimples pulls up a table pours some chamomile tea for himself and asks, "How long have you had it?" Shambo still focused on the coconuts replies, "Since 1986". Dimples strikes a match on the bottom of his shoe, lights up a cigar, looks up to the sky and ponders, "For 23 years... you know 23 years ago I had a mullet too only mine was curlier and I wore red spandex...". His voice trails off in the distance as he mentions something about "commitment". Shambo, carefully selecting her rope replies, "You don't mess with perfection, baby." She releases her rope and 4 coconuts drop. Shambo is pleased. She chants, "Feels good, looks good, aha, ooh ra, love it, love it, love it." *jots that down for the new tattoo I'm getting across my back*

The challenge continues and it's relatively boring save for the interesting new development over on the Purple Team. Natalie is whispering to Nipples McGee something about being a "prayer warrior". Lucifer hears the word "prayer" on the wind and his head immediately spins around. He turns to Shambo and tells her that they need to break up Natalie and Nipples. Shambo nods in agreement and the game continues. Jaison goes and drops 48 coconuts. It's not looking good at all for the Yellow Team until it's Natalie's turn. Natalie thinks she's got God on her side, but Shambo knows better. Shambo predicts out loud that Natalie will drop 58 coconuts. Lucifer drops the number 58 into his magical bubbly cauldron and wouldn't you know it? Exactly 58 fucking coconuts fell. Natalie kept clutching her pearls and shouting, "Oh my word! Oh my word!" while Shambo and Lucifer just sat back and enjoyed a couple cigarettes and some Brandy. In the end, the Jesus freaks were no match and YELLOW WINS REWARD!

Lucifer, Shambo, and Jaison arrive at the reward destination and Jaison is sneering and mumbling something about never winning rewards. He thinks rewards don't matter since he's never won before and then he goes off into one of his parallel universes. Seriously, I have no idea what he's talking about half the time. Shambo spots a suckling pig roasting on the beach and she immediately dives in and rips off a giant hunk of it's skin declaring, "I love it!" Lucifer scampers over to where the shellfish are and digs his chubby little fingers into one lobster tail after another. Jaison just stands there confused and after much reconsideration he finally declares that rewards are "amazing". Mealtime finishes and the only thing left to do is DANCE! Jaison announces he's about to "get jiggy with it", Shambo dons a crown of flowers and a straw skirt, Lucifer unbuttons his shirt revealing a necklace of bones, and they all start swaying to the music. It was magic. The sun setting in the distance, Satan's Mullet shaking their rumps, Jaison off somewhere butchering the Watusi to death. Earlier with grease dripping down their faces, coconut milk dribbling off their chins, they had agreed... they had made a pact to go to the Final Three together. They sealed the deal in blood. Shambo promised her first born to the Samoan chief residing. It was a done deal! *swallows a fist full of pain pills*

Meanwhile back at Bible Camp, Natalie, Nipples, and Buzzkill are all bonding. Nipples is under some misconception that since Lucifer is away from camp, he's now the leader. Hold up! For about 12 episodes we hear literally nothing out of his stupid crooked mouth and now he's Captain Of The Universe? Uh uh *shakes head* not under my watch. Nipples, shut your trap and go back to your corner. Seriously, who are you and why are you here? You were obviously an afterthought to the producers which means you're also an afterthought to me. Let's check back in on some people who actually matter.

It's now bedtime at the Reward Challenge and Shambo is all giggly and excited to be laying her curls on a pillow. She tries to joke and tease with Jaison, but she's blissfully unaware that he's the most boring person on the planet. She shrugs, curses maturity, and gives Jaison a wet willy. At least that's what I think happened. Lucifer breaks up their playing by mentioning Natalie and her new buddy Nipples. He tells Shambo and Jaison that he knows for a fact that Natalie hasn't switched sides. Shambo and Jaison aren't so ready to believe him and Lucifer is just fine with that. He'll let them be suspicious of Natalie. It does him no harm. In fact, it keeps the focus off of him and on someone else and he's fine with that. His mission is to get rid of Nipples or Mick (or so he says). Those boys are nice and well liked. Lucifer doesn't have a mullet's chance in hell of winning against them in a vote. It behooves him to get them out of the game pronto.

Back at Aiga, Natalie is actually echoing Lucifer's sentiments precisely. She may be friends with Nipples, but she made a pact with Lucifer and long time ago and she plans on honoring that pact. She says, "Two brains are better than one." I immediately wondered to myself if she had a brain then why does she call herself a prayer warrior, but that's neither here nor there. Lucifer goes on to call Nipples a little punk who's no threat to him in challenges. He's only dangerous when it comes to the final vote. According to Lucifer, Nipples stands between him and the million dollars.

(Brett's nipple)

This brings us to the Immunity Challenge. Survivors have to race out to a field and count the number of various items (octopus, fish, rocks, birds, pigs etc). They have to use the numbers they count to unlock a combination lock and break a tile. Survivors ready, go! Lucifer and Buzzkill Mick go barrelling to the front of the line. They're hastily counting things as quick as they can. Nipples and Jaison are going a little bit slower with Natalie and Shambo bringing up the rear. Lucifer and Buzzkill waste no time racing back with some numbers while Jaison starts to yell at the pigs to stay still. Nipples stays in his own little nippelicious world the whole time and isn't deterred by the fact that Lucifer and Buzzkill get all their numbers before he does. Jaison, not wanting to be left out, starts inventing numbers I think just so he could start guessing. He guesses wrong (of course), Mick guesses wrong, and Lucifer guesses wrong, I suppose you can guess what happens next... BRETT WINS IMMUNITY! *dumps a handful of vicodin into a blender*

That. Wasn't. Supposed. To. Happen. Jaison sighs and grimaces and, for some insane reason, begins to wonder if it wouldn't be better if they got rid of Shambo instead of Mick. Hell to the no. I vote they get rid of YOU, Jaison. YOU! YOU who have complained incessantly about how uncomfortable and hungry you are. YOU who vacillates repeatedly between various planes of existence. YOU who changes your mind depending on where the wind blows. YOU who would make the World's Worst Lawyer. Seriously, have you ever won an argument in your whole entire life? I guess you were born with a backbone because I see you walking around and functioning and stuff, but I move that you're a mystery to medical science. I move that you do not have a spine at all. There is no reason in the world to get rid of Shambo. That jury HATES her. She doesn't win challenges and she probably keeps you in enough fire wood to stop you from bitching. Seriously dude, what are you thinking?

The same above paragraph can be applied to Lucifer too. When Jaison finally approaches Lucifer and tells him they should get rid of Shambo, Lucifer is initially quiet and doesn't respond. He even outlines for the home viewing audience three excellent reasons why he should keep Shambo over Mick, but I'm getting ahead of myself. My pills haven't kicked in yet and I'm getting a little angry over here. Bear with me. *stops to paint a pretty rainbow* Ok... oh... yeah... there it is... it's kicked in. *waves of calmness envelope me* Alright, where was I? How crazy was MTV last night for editing out that punch on Jersey Shore? Oh wait... that's not right, is it? Snooki isn't in Samoa, is she?

OK so Jaison tells Lucifer to get rid of Shambo just as Shambo approaches. Jaison sees her, tucks his tail between his legs, and scampers off into the distance. Shambo, naturally puzzled by Jaison's reaction, asks Lucifer what crawled up Jaison's ass just then. Lucifer lies (badly) and says that Jaison was just saying how Buzzkill should go home. Shambo may be innocent and fairy like, but she's learned a few things these past few weeks. 15 days ago she would have believed Lucifer no questions asked, but she's wiser now. She knows something stinks in suburbia and she wants to get to the bottom of it. Lucifer just keeps saying how Mick is going home next. He's trying to glamour her into believing him, but it's not really working.

As soon as Shambo leaves, Lucifer skips over to Mick and begins going off about how annoying he finds Shambo to be. *clenches fists* He gets very rude and very ugly and proceeds to criticize her breath. First off, no one there has a toothbrush, food is scarce, and an empty stomach doesn't do anybody's breath any favors. Furthermore, Dimples hoards all the tic-tacs. I'm quite sure if Lucifer breathed in my direction my eyelashes would sizzle off. Whether that was from the stench or from the hellfires burning in his bowels I do not know, but they'd sizzle off and that's all that matters right now. Mick, bless his heart, just stands there stunned. He can't believe what he's hearing. One could interpret this in a number of ways. I choose to interpret it as Mick being stunned simply because Shambo's breath actually smells like roses and cotton candy while Lucifer's smells like week old mackeral and toe jam. Mick is silent and stunned because the hypocrisy of Lucifer has rendered him speechless. Does that sound like a good reason to you? Good. I thought so. Works for me too.

(googling this photo seriously brought me to tears)

Lucifer, whom I'm now thinking is the Archangel of Wisdom Teeth, keeps going on and on about how it's high time they get rid of Shambo and how he can't stand her blah blah blah. *punches a kitten* He tells Mick, "One day without her would be heaven." Umm no Lucifer. Heaven exists because of Shambo not in spite of her. Mick doesn't say a word in response. Instead he runs to a camera and announces how he's now suspicious of Lucifer. Mick knows Shambo brings nothing but love and light to the world. He knows because of her popcorn sometimes falls from the sky and ponies occasionally fly. Also he knows that Shambo isn't really a threat. I mean, come on, let's get real here. Shambo probably would not win if she made it to the Final 2. She's lovely and we're all members of her fan club, but I've really had no allusions (or even illusions) that she might really win this thing.

Even Lucifer knows she's not a real threat. He tells us flat out that Shambo would never vote him out, she'd never win a challenge, and she'd never win over the jury. It sounded good when I heard him say these things, but I kind of knew better. The devil is a trickster. Believing him is the worst thing someone can do in life. Just when you think you know his next move, he goes another way and this brings us to Tribal Council.

Dimples brings in the jury and my first thought, "I didn't know Survivor had a plastic surgeon on staff." Did you see Pochanatas' boobs? Where the hell did they come from? She's flat chested, but she was pushing a D cup last night. I have a theory... Dave gave her some of his hair to stuff in her bra. That's the only explanation I can think of. OK so Shambo is pretty forthright and owns up to the fact that she's been a traitor to Galu. I think Laura chewed her face off over in the jury box when she heard that answer. God, that bitch is so smug. Dimples likes what Shambo is saying and points out that she's pretty much pissed off everyone in the jury and it might be advantageous to keep her around. Lucifer put his fingers in his ears and started humming a Black Sabbath song at that moment I think. Dimples interrupts him and asks him about Shambo. Lucifer responds that he trusts her like he trusts his own tribe. Ha! That means shit! Lucifer NEVER trusted his tribe. The only person he trusts anymore is Natalie. He's so full of it.

Lucifer goes on to talk about how this phase in the game is about taking out who you can't win against. And then the most moronic thing happens. Jaison, in front of EVERYONE, talks about how Nipples winning Immunity ruined everyone's plans. He said how Nipples is now the biggest threat yadda yadda yadda. Did anyone else but me think to themselves, "Shut up you moron!"? Seriously, boy needs to think before he speaks sometimes. Lucifer even looked a little annoyed at what Jaison was saying. Dimples then asks Lucifer how he felt about tonight's vote. Lucifer put on his puppy dog face and said that tonight will be the most difficult vote of all because sometimes you have to vote out people you actually like. Bullshit! A) The vote wasn't difficult B) He just went off back at camp for about 5 minutes about just how much he dislikes Shambo. Don't bullshit a bullshitter Lucifer. You'll always get caught and I'll always call you on it.

No need to draw out this vote. We all know what happens. It is with a heavy heart and great regret that I must say that the 13th person voted out of Survivor Samoa is the one, the only Shambo. She was the mullet that brought us joy. She made us laugh. She made us love. She made us rethink Loverboy headbands circa 1986. She was truly a pleasure to watch and my girl went out with class. She appreciated her time in the game, she wished everyone well, and she gave a shout out to all of the military families of the world. You're a class act my dear and I've really enjoyed watching you and writing about you this season. Thank you for being you. I wish you nothing but the best in life and if we ever meet, can I stroke your curls just once? Pretty please?

I leave you with a holiday gift...

OK so who do you guys think will actually win this thing? Who do you want to win? I think I'd like to see Lucifer win. Sure, he pissed me off this week, but he has played the best hands down. I have a horrible feeling though that it'll come to something boring like a Natalie/Mick final 2 or something. In that case, it's a tough call. All in all, I just really don't want Jaison or Brett to win. That would be the ultimate travesty. Comment it out bitches and have a great day! My next blog will be posted Monday afternoon where I'll recap the final episode and the finale.

Please to enjoy Life At Ponderosa: The Shambo episodes:

Friday, December 11, 2009

I'm A Snake, That's What I Do

I remember back in elementary school hearing a story about how a tribe in Africa could bang on their drums in such a way that it could literally stop your heart. As Survivor's soundtrack tends to favor the dumbek (hey, I used to be a belly dancer... the dumbek and I are old friends) one would think that it would be impossible for it's relatively shallow sound to push anyone into cardiac arrest. Well my friends, I beg to differ. I'm relatively young, I work out everyday, I'm a supplement junkie, I don't eat crap food, and, I tell you, I came as close to having a heart attack last night as a 260 lb pound man who lives on cheesesteaks and beer. As soon as I'm done writing this, I'm calling some local hospital supply stores for my own personal defibrillator. That shit last night freaked me the hell out. Let's recap, shall we?

(Tara from True Blood being glamoured)

Rocket Boy has been sent home and Shambo is positively flummoxed. Sure, they blindsided him, but they blindsided her as well. I can't help but think that the fact that Shambo was created from unicorn tears keeps her a little too innocent and pure. She's not as adept as spotting traitors as one would hope, but we're captivated by her curls so we ignore her sheer disbelief in all things evil and we continue to love her. Lucifer, as Lord Of The Underworld, has a soft spot for Shambo so he carresses her mullet and tells her that Rocket Boy was after her and all he did was protect her. He gazes into her eyes and tells her he was looking out for her. It's kind of like when a vampire glamours a mortal. Shambo is helpless to his powers so she just nods her curly mane up and down and thanks him for watching her back. Lucifer skips off into the night air, howls at the moon, and tells us "This is just too easy." The Earth grumbled a little in response as some fairies dropped over dead I think.

A new day dawns and we're introduced to a bright and shiny new player. Meet Useless Brett. Never has a tribe member gotten less air time than this dude has. So yeah anyhow, Brett is on the beach with Pocahantas and they're talking about who's cuter: Zac Efron or Chace Crawford. My vote is for Chace but that's neither here nor there. In the heat of the cute boy convo Brett's nipples have gotten, how shall I this, aw hell they're hard as rocks. Seriously, did you see those things? They're like brand new pencil erasers. So Brett and his nipples are freaking me out and Pretty Boy Jaison saunters up looking for new friends. Pocahantas, as transparent as ever, tries to innocently ask Jaison who he'd vote for to win the million dollars. Useless McWasteOfSpace jumps in and declares that he'd vote for Lucifer or Buzzkill Mick. Jaison agrees and Pochantas lies back pleased with herself like she's actually accomplished something.

Pretty Boy Jaison, obviously disturbed that they think so highly of Lucifer, begins to tell them that he's really Lucifer's sidekick. All along he's been the good cop to Lucifer's bad cop. Were any of you guys as shocked as I was when Pretty Boy was characterizing himself as some sort of master strategist? He actually sat there and told Pocahantas and Brett that he was the decision maker in all of the eliminations. First off, with Pretty Boy I'm very, "What have you done for me lately?". He did nothing but whine for the first 6 episodes and, as of late, he's gone and developed Multiple Personality Disorder. The only time I ever saw him as a valuable member of Foa Foa was when he stood up for Shambo, but then again, "Thou shall respect The Shambo" is the eleventh commandment. Finally, Pretty Boy catches on to Pocahantas' and Brett's eye rolling and he barfs out that Lucifer made 2 million dollars last year. OK as annoyed as this made me... it wasn't that bad of a move. I am going to throw out there that spilling the beans on being a millionaire will be Lucifer's single biggest mistake in this game. He should have never said a thing about his oil company. It may not have bit him in the ass this week, but it will eventually. Mark my words.

This brings us to our first Immunity Challenge of the night. Is it swimming for miles and solving a complicated puzzle? Hell no. It's bowling bitches! Players are randomly matched up with a partner. Last person standing wins. Obviously, they let an intern plan this challenge, but let's ignore that and get on with the game. First up is Shambo v. Natalie. Natalie flings her ball into the gutter and now it's Shambo's turn. We all sat up a little straighter because we knew... oh yes, we knew. Shambo and her gal pals back at home are old pros when it comes to bowling. They'd hop on their Harleys, cruise down to the local lanes every Friday night, and they'd bowl. They'd bowl their hearts out! Foreigner blasting on the loudspeaker, a Michelob in hand, flannel shirts swinging free in the breeze... this is how real women spend their Fridays. All the ladies, robust in stature, would have been there. Babs, Sue, Julie, Doris... there are two things they do well in life. Fix spark plugs and BOWL. Shambo, glistening in the sun, remembering the good old days says, "This is for all my friends that play in a bowling league". She takes a deep breath, shoots the ball, and whacks down all put one pin. At home we all cheered and tested out our New Year's Eve 2010 noisemakers.

Next is Lucifer and Useless Brett. I was kind of hoping Lucifer would just breath fire and knock down all his pins, but he went ahead and played it old school. He rolls a 4 while Useless Brett rolls two gutter balls. I think his nipples got in his way, but I can't be sure. Then we have Buzzkill Mick and Danger Dave. Dave does his weird yoga breaths and actually pulls off a strike. Lucifer grimaces on the sidelines and Dave claps his hands together in a prayer pose and does a Japanese bow thing. Douche.

In the Semifinals, we start off with Shambo v. Lucifer. Lucifer may be Satan's only son, but he didn't bowl in the Greater Women of Seattle Bowling Grand Prix in '87, did he? No, he did not. Shambo wins it in a walk and I thought to myself, "This is the night my girl wins Immunity. I just know it!". Well, I may have claimed to be Nostradamus in the past, but it's not like I really meant it. In a weird turn of events, Shambo kind of chokes in the Finals and Pretty Boy JAISON WINS IMMUNITY! Groan.

Back at camp, Shambo is all love and light. Danger Dave lost and that's all that matters. Until... well, until the most horrifying 5 minutes of my life took place. Pocahantas is having a talk with Lucifer and she asks him who's going home that night. Lucifer bellows out Dave's name and Pocahantas asks, "You think so?" Lucifer responds, "I know so." Pochantas, who should only be worrying about herself at this point, goes into some speech about how Danger Dave really isn't all that much of a threat. Actually he is, you flat chested freak. He's smart, he's good at challenges, and he's somewhat a leader. Then she does it... she brings up Shambo's name. *stabs self in pancreas with a hot poker* She argues that Shambo is a hard worker in addition to being well-liked. Had it not been for the footage of Shambo in her jog bra gathering fire wood, I might have been in tears at that point. It's a known fact that Pocahantas is the worst liar on the planet so I figured Lucifer would just shrug her off and go about his day of skinning ponies and drinking squirrel blood, but noooooo. It turns out his secret mission in life is to age me 20 years and give me premature heart disease.

Lucifer scratches his belly, looks to the sky, and suddenly begins talking about how it might not be a bad idea after all to keep Dave in the game and get rid of Shambo. Wha... wha... what?!? Am I hearing this correctly? No dammit... I said NO! Was the pony blood not to your liking this morning Lucifer? Come on man, get it together. Lucifer waddles over to Dave and actually tells him that keeping him in the game works to his advantage, but only after reprimanding Dave for not trying to get on his side and strategize with him. Lucifer proposes they vote out Shambo instead. *plucks out eyeball with a spoon and eats it* Dave says something about miracles happening all the time and how "the fricking Lord provides". As grateful as I'm sure the "fricking Lord" is Dave, I hate you. I want nothing to do with you or your Kenny G. hair. You threaten Shambo, you threaten me and I can't have that.

Buzzkill Mick, possibly trying to warn Shambo, tells her that Galu is gunning for her. She tosses back her curls and just laughs, "They've been gunning for me all along... I'm the Sham with the plan. No one can compete with me." *quickly puts in an order for "I'm the Sham with the plan" keychains* She smacks him on his ass and sends him on his way. In her mind, Danger Dave is going home. End of discussion. Uh... not so fast. The segment ends with Lucifer telling Natalie that she is to vote out Shambo tonight. Oh. God. No. Please let this be one of Lucifer's evil tricks... *fights back tears*

We arrive at our first Tribal Council of the night and I'm freaking the fuck out. On Twitter I was having a panic attack. At home my fingers were covering my eyes for I was too scared to watch. My heart was in my throat as Jeff began prodding the castaways with questions. Pretty Boy Jaison starts yammering about getting out the stronger people or something like that. Honestly, I don't know what the hell he was saying. I was too busy giving myself gin... intravenously. Jeff Dimples Probst begins to talk about how Shambo wants to get rid of the people that don't deserve to win. She starts to talk about how she didn't want Rocket Boy to go last week and how she was more blindsided than he was. Dimples scoffs and tells her she's doing a great job of working the jury. Shambo promptly gets up, marches over to him, and smacks him in the face with her mullet. Through clenched teeth she tells him that she's being serious and to stop acting like a jack ass. Well, at least that's how I saw it going down.

Danger Dave chimes in and talks about how people should vote on who they want to go to the Finals with. I'm just sitting here, jaw on the floor, realizing my worst nightmare is about to come true. My precious Shambo will be going home and she has no idea. I want to leap through the screen and comfort her, but all I can do is sit on the couch helpless and watch the horror unfold right before my eyes. I clutch my pearls, wipe my brow, set my IV to deliver my gin faster, and I sit and wait as Jeff proceeds to read the votes. SHAMBO... *weeps thick salty tears*, DAVE... Shambo smirks, DAVE, DAVE... *Did I hear that correctly?*, DAVE... *pulls hands away from face and cocks neck to hear better*, DAVE... *giant toothy grin*, DAVE IS THE ELEVENTH PERSON VOTED OUT OF SURVIVOR SAMOA!!!! Cue the dancing girls. Fireworks lit up the night sky, I flung off my shirt, danced a little jig, sprinkled glitter in my hair, and collapsed onto the floor into a pile of exhausted euphoria. I swear to you good people that that's as close as I've ever come to having a full out heart attack. I'm quite sure this season of Survivor isn't doing my blood pressure any favors.

As glorious as that moment was and as much as I could have easily ended my night there with a mini pub crawl, we're forced to go through the drama once more. It's at this point that I'm now convinced that CBS has millions of dollars in shares in every single high blood pressure medication known to man. Sadistic bitches... that's what they are.

The next day at camp Lucifer wakes and tells Buzzkil Mick that Useless Brett is the biggest threat. He's way too likable and he's an all around nice guy. I was thinking... "But his nipples, they're HUGE! There's no way he can win with nipples that big." Actually, I think there's no way Brett will make it to the Final 2 for one reason and one reason only. He has gotten zero air time all season long. There's no way CBS would build up the show to Brett being in the Final 2 without giving him adequate air time. It just can't go down like that.

Buzzkill Mick proceeds to asks Lucifer who exactly he'd take to the Finals with him. You see, Mick is a little worried now. He fancies himself to be just as likable as Brett and if Brett is expendable in Lucifer's eyes then it's only a matter of time until Mick is too. Mick expresses his concern and in doing so proceeds to make Lucifer very wary of Mick's trustworthiness. It's all a big mindfuck at this point. Loyalties are breaking down and no one can trust each other anymore. Except Shambo... we can all trust Shambo, but that's neither here nor there.

This brings us to our second Immunity Challenge. Tribe members have to swim out and retrieve three bags, one at a time. They have to put their bags on a seesaw thingie and, using their own weight, catapult their bags into a basket above their heads. Survivors ready, go! Pretty Boy Jaison flies out into the water and gets his first bag before anyone else. He's followed by Mick, Brett, and Lucifer. Natalie and Shambo are very slowly bringing up the rear. Shambo has no more muscle mass so she's excused, but Natalie looks like she's taking a leisurely stroll in the pretty clear blue waters. She hasn't a care in the world other than trying not to flash Jeff her Pikachu. You see, Natalie's having bathing suit issues and her bottoms keep slipping off. Jeff is thrilled of course and calls her out for losing too much weight to keep her panties on. Back in the game, Useless Brett very quickly makes his first basket with Buzzkill Mick pulling a close second. They will stay neck in neck for the entire length of the challenge, but, in the end, BRETT WINS IMMUNITY! Boo.

Pretty Boy Jaison is less than thrilled with Brett sticking around for a little longer and claims he's put a wrench into his big master plan. He muses that Pocahantas will just have to go now. Back at camp, Shambo is cooing and gushing over Brett for some reason calling him "Baby Boy" and kissing him on the cheek. I figure she's just drunk on fermented coconut juice and leave it at that. Pocahantas quickly realizes she's up shit's creek if she doesn't do something fast. She dons her incredibly ineffective poker face and prepares to approach Lucifer.

Useless Brett, Pochantas, and Buzzkill Mick are all lying around on the beach braiding each other's hair. Pocahantas decides maybe she'll prepare for her talk with Lucifer by practicing first on Mick. She dives into how Lucifer will take either Natalie or Shambo to the end and that Mick doesn't have a prayer. Mick nods very seriously and says, "You don't think I worry about that everyday?" Then he gathers Brett and Pocahantas into his lap and tells them a story about a kid and a snake. An innocent child befriends a snake until one day the snake bites him. The child asks, "Why the hell did you do that bitch?" The snake says, "Because I'm a snake you asshole." The End. It's a touching story full of all sorts of parallels and images. More importantly, it gave me my blog title. That's all I really care about.

Then Mick starts talking about creative visualization and how he visualizes winning the cash every night before he goes to sleep. Immediately, I think of Shakti Gawain. She's this lady who writes books on visualization and, ok, I'm admitting to reading one or two of them when I went through my "new age phase". Anyhow, the shit works so I'm a little frightened. With Mick harnessing Shakti's power, who knows how far he can get? Buzzkill Mick winning this season is about as anticlimactic as you can get. I can't allow that to happen. I'll start visualizing my own outcome from now on. I encourage you all to do the same. Let's visualize Shambo winning and Lucifer coming in second. Sure, Lucifer's played a better game, but he's already rich. Let's let Shambo buy herself some new headbands and another Harley.

OK so now Pochantas is all ready for her big talk with Lucifer. She finds him making a wreath out of deer horns on the beach and instead of easing in she tells him he's an idiot and is keeping too many threats in this game. Way to butter him up you moron. Lucifer just looks at her sideways and smirks. He thinks he's in the best position possible in this game and will she please go away because he really wants to get his wreath done before Christmas. Pocahantas is unphased. She's tries tactic #2. This time she tells him that Jaison is waiting for Day 36 when Lucifer can't play his Idol anymore. This actually gets Lucifer's attention. He raises an eyebrow and asks her to elaborate. She says she can turn turn the whole jury against Lucifer and he'll lose no matter what. Lucifer smacks her upside the head and demands she tell him more about the loyalty of his crew. Pochantas falls into line and tells Lucifer that Natalie already told everyone that he's a millionaire and that no one wants a millionaire to win. Oh no she di-in't. Oh yes she did! Lucifer jumps up, shoves her face in the sand, and marches to Natalie right quick.

I'm kind of meh on Natalie, but last night I was scared for her life. She was sitting on the beach making a bracelet out of rat's tails when Lucifer approaches. He wastes zero time and immediately reprimands her for telling people he has money. Natalie has no idea what he's talking about so she pleads for her life and they go off together in search of the real culprit. They don't have to travel far for Brett is more than happy to throw Pretty Boy Jaison under the bus. Lucifer literally has steam coming out of his ears at this point and if Jaison didn't annoy me so much, I might have been scared for him too.

Lucifer breathes fire through his nose, opens his eyes real wide, and marches his little paunchy body over to Pretty Boy Jaison. He wastes no time ringing him up to some branches with some twine. He hooks up a car battery to some jumper cables and holds the connectors dangerously close to Jaison's nipples. Pretty Boy's voice raises about 3 octaves as he insists he didn't tell anyone about Lucifer's money. Lucifer glances down at the urine dripping down Jaison's leg and concedes to let him go. Pretty Boy runs to a free camera, calls upon another one of his personalities, and tells us that he honestly doesn't remember spilling the beans about Lucifer's cashola. Ok Sybil, whatever you say.

What can Lucifer do now but run to Shambo? Whenever you're feeling bad you go to Shambo. It's only common sense. He sits down next to her and tells her how mad he is. She comforts him and makes him some chamomile tea. He says, "Making me mad fuels my fire." Two things crossed my mind that made me laugh in that moment. A) He's publicly acknowledged that the fires of hell burn bright in his belly and B) I was totally reminded of Matt Dillon in Singles when he says, "This negative energy only makes me stronger. Tomorrow we rock Portland!" The scene ends with Lucifer telling us "This little bitch (nee Monica) needs to be sent home tonight." For some really good laughs regarding this, see Russell Swan's Facebook page where he gets all in a tizzy over the use of the word "bitch". He threatening to call Lucifer out at the finale. Yeah right.

Now we arrive at Tribal Council #2 or what I like to call Girl, Interrrupted Part Deux. OK so the jury enters and Danger Dave's hair is unusually poofy. Lucifer, obviously annoyed by it, stands up in front of everyone, whips the Immunity Idol necklace out of his pocket, and places it onto his hairy chest. Balls I tell you. Big huge titanium swinging balls. Lucifer's got 'em and everyone should be scared of them. Shambo sits stunned. She loves surprises especially when they're "Lucifer Surprises". Dimples asks Lucifer what's up and Lucifer tells him he found "a pretty little necklace" he thought would look good in the firelight. *giggles and claps* Here's where the Girl, Interrupted part comes in. Pochantas, obviously having ingested too many Zolofts that day, starts to get really maniacal and creepy. She rolls her eyes dons what she thinks is a black girl accent and says that Lucifer is "getting a little cocky up in here." Her shoulders are twitching and her eyes are shifty. All the while she's got a huge toothy grin on her face. Seriously you guys, she was freaking me out. I think she needed a Thorazine drip or something, but I'm not sure.

Dimples steers the conversation to how the day went and Shambo sighs and puts a sad face on. It was stressful and she didn't like it one bit she declares. Pocahantas, crazy and anxious, interrupts my angel and shouts, "It was awesome!" She goes on to say how tickled pink she was that Lucifer had his feathers ruffled. She enjoyed watching him lose his cool and have to do damage control. The entire time all I could think was, "I'm looking at a dead girl right now. She's literally digging her grave." She keeps foaming at the mouth all the while smiling. It was really weird, her mouth was smiling but her eyes were telling a completely different story. This bitch was petrified and it was all over her face. Then Jeff tries to claim that Pocahantas was Lucifer's student and the student has one upped the teacher or some shit like that. I didn't like where he was going because he was giving Pocahantas way to much credit so I fashioned another dart board with Jeff's face in the middle of it.

Seriously, it was the weirdest Tribal Council ever. You have Pocahantas losing her ever loving mind, Lucifer swinging his balls in everyone's face, Brett mumbling to himself, Jaison rocking back and forth staring at the ground, and Mick realizing he's not as smart as he once thought. It was a train wreck and I loved every minute of it. Nurse Ratchet, errr I mean Dimples, tells the bitches to shut up and vote. At home we were all thinking, "What's Lucifer gonna do? Is he gonna play the Idol or not?" Dimples carries the votes back, asks if anyone wants to play the Immunity Idol, Lucifer surveys the crowd carefully looking into everyone's eyes, and keeps his chunky ass planted in his seat. He's not gonna play it. *bites fist* Delicious. Let's read the votes... MONICA... LUCIFER... MONICA... LUCIFER... Dave whispers "awesome" and my heart pounded louder... MONICA... wait for it... MONICA IS THE TWELFTH PERSON VOTED OUT OF SURVIVOR SAMOA. Oh. My. God. Was that as good for you as it was for me? *lights a cigarette* That was Awesome in it's purest form. Love it!

So, what did you guys think? Will the million dollar confession be Lucifer's downfall? How did Dave's hair get so poofy? Why is Erik wearing Brett's ugly shirts? Does Brett have a chance to win? How much longer will Lucifer keep Mick and Jaison around? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Life at Ponderosa isn't up on youtube yet so check back later for the new clips.

Friday, December 4, 2009

As American As Elton John

Elton John and Bernie Taupin wrote a song in 1972 entitled "Rocket Man". Supposedly it was based on a Ray Bradbury short story about an astronaut who leaves home to do his job in outer space. Some say the song is really about getting high and escaping into the world of drugs while others argue the song's true meaning is about the pitfalls of being a rock star. A third group portends that the song deals with the trials and tribulations of being in the closet. The arguments are far reaching and heated. I know, I googled them. A similar heated discussion rages on this very morning only it's about an apple pie, a paunchy fire breather named Lucifer, and a question about whether or not Medusa's vengeance has an after life. Will we ever be able to identify the nail in the Rocket Boy's coffin? Fuck if I know, but I'll sure as hell try. Let's recap, shall we?

The episode begins with a giggle. A wind chime in the breeze sounding sort of loveliness. Our mulletted godesss is filled with all sorts of happy after having decapitated Medusa and now she's all a glow. "Medusa has been dethroned. Is that just hysterical?", Shambo asks. Yes, my darling, it is, only... I ummm kind of neglected to tell you that when Medusa's head got chopped off Pegasus flew out. I know, I know... my bad, but seriously how much trouble can one winged horse be? He ended up as a pretty constellation up in space so he can't be that bad, right? Wait a tic... pegasus, flying, constellation, outer space... ROCKETS! Uh oh...

OK so the tribe wakes up to Pocahantas thinking Rocket Boy is Judas (How very "Laura" of her) and Lucifer discovering bundles of cash in the mail. It turns out there are envelopes filled with $500 in cash for everyone. It's auction time bitches! My favorite part of the auction episode is seeing some sad sack bid a ton of money on a glass of sea water or a plate of sea noodles. Hahahaha! Sucker! Except when that sad sack is someone who wears her buff like she's in the band Loverboy. The scene loses all of it's humor when something tragic like that happens, but I'm jumping ahead. So yeah, the tribe members arrive at the auction and are told that they will be bidding in increments of $20. They cannot share their money or their food and the auction can end at any moment without notice.

The first item is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Before Jeff can put the rattan food cover down, Natalie Rat Killer shouts "$200!". Jeff can't believe she started the bidding so high, but Natalie is unphased. When a bitch wants her peanut butter, you give it to her. On to the second item which will remained covered. That should have been a dead give away right there, but Shambo is losing muscle tissue by the second and she's desperate for some protein. She outbids Danger Dave and manages to win Round 2. She's beaming, she's glistening, she's drooling a little knowing that her withering body will get it's much needed nutrition. At home we hoped it was a big juicy steak or at the very least a Medusa Pez dispenser, but no, it was a plate of sea noodles to which Jeff, that bastard, sprinkled parmesan cheese on top of. My heart sank. The other tribe members giggled, but Shambo... my Shambo was positively stoic. She hid her devastation, gulped back her tears, and asked Jeff if the sea noodles had any starchy nutritional value. He answered he didn't know and Shambo, like the princess she is, smiled big and carried her plate back to her seat devouring every last noodle placed before her. That's how you exhibit grace my friends. Not one complaint, not one sneer, not one stomped foot. Just acceptance and the will to go on.

Round 3 also remains covered. The bidding is fast and frenetic. Everyone thinks there's no way they'd put two shitty items back to back. Lucifer, gnawing on a piece of straw, is convinced it's a big piece of doodie on a bed of leaves, but it turns out to be a whole roast chicken which went to Pocahantas of all people.

Round 4 is revealed as an advantage in the next Immunity Challenge. Rocket Boy and Pretty Boy Jaison are all over that shit. Rocket Boy I can understand. He turned on his tribe and a little extra insurance might not be a bad idea, but Pretty Boy? I couldn't fathom why he was so desperate to have that advantage. Pretty Boy asks Jeff what happens if they both bid $500. Jeff tells him that only one person can bid it first. Boom! $500 from Jaison. Just like that. Rocket Boy sits there stunned wondering what the hell just happened.

Round 5 is a cheeseburger, fries, and beer that ends up going to Buzzkill Mick. Pretty Boy was Pretty Pissed over that one. Again, why? He just got his advantage he was so desperate to have. Why are his panties in a twist over a burger? It's at this moment that I begin to wonder what is going on behind the scenes that we're not seeing. By the time we get to Round 6 I'll be full out planning my break in to Mark Burnett's vault for all the unused footage. Rocket Boy actually bids $200 for a clue to the Immunity Idol that we all know Lucifer has buried in his pocket. Granted, Rocket Boy doesn't know he has it, but weren't they all quite obviously and brazenly looking for it just a few days ago? Was Rocket Boy not privy to that search with everyone turning over the stones? I mean, he must have noticed everyone chasing Lucifer after getting back from that last Reward Challenge. I feel like either Rocket Boy, as much as I've grown to appreciate him, was high on crack or just still bitter over losing that Immunity advantage that went to Jaison. Either way, Lucifer just sat there grinning as the fires of hell continue to burn bright.

Round 7 almost made me tinkle. It was a Survivor shower complete with soap, shampoo, and clean underwear. Rocket Boy kind of wanted it and if he was on Tweetdeck at the time he would have seen all the fangirl's tweeting for him to get naked. Instead he decided to let Natalie "I Bludgeon Rats In My Spare Time" have it because he thought it would be hotter for the viewers at home to watch her bathe instead of himself. Have you ever seen a pissed off fangirl Rocket Boy? They're not pretty. They throw their lip gloss at passersby and pull each other's hair. The young and menopausal all wanted to catch a glimpse of Rocket Ass last night, but instead they got Natalie and some creepy synth porn music. Expect hate mail and requests for naked pics over the coming weeks Rocket Boy.

The 8th and final round was the ultimate mindfuck. A piece of apple pie. Innocent, tart, sweet, gooey, sugary and packed with enough evil to let the hounds of hell loose and kill furry little kitties everywhere. Rocket Boy is once again the star when he bids $300 for a slice of pie. Only this time Jeff makes him an offer packed with calories and moral fortitude. John can keep his slice of pie or he can let four others enjoy slices of their own. He pauses, wonders if the group even wants pie, ignores their cries of pie loving desperation, and decides to keep his pie to himself. Immediately, Lucifer tells the home viewing audience what a terrible mistake Rocket Boy just made. He says Rocket Boy should have given some pie to Shambo. I'm with Lucifer on this one. When the opporunity to feed Shambo presents itself, you take it. No questions asked. I have no logical proof or sound reasoning as to why one should do this. I just think Happy Shambo, Happy World. *jots that down as a bumper sticker idea*

Back at camp, that decision not to feed Shambo has put a big black cloud over everything. Rocket Boy is searching in vain for an Idol that isn't there and Shambo is delivering some not so nice news to her chickens. "Chickens," she says, "We're going to have to have you for lunch today." *pause for fairies falling down dead* She's very matter of fact and she's putting on a brave face while she tells her chickens she'll see them in heaven. Only later when she's alone do we see her devastation. She tells us how those chickens were her single source of happiness for the past 29 days. *reaches for a tissue* We all dimmed our lights, pushed away the bucket of KFC sitting in our laps, and lit a candle for fallen chickens everywhere. Those chickens brought Shambo peace in a confusing and unfair world. They took a nothing day and made it all seem worthwhile. Well it's you chicken and you should know it, with each glance and every little movement you show it...

Cut to Lucifer bludgeoning the chicken's head in with a machete. Buzzkill Mick held it down while Lucifer smashed it's head over and over and over and over and over again (a little too lightly if you ask me) and guffawed while relishing every second of the sacrifice. Well, it had to be done. The dark gods were screaming for a ritual killing and they had to be appeased. It had been a while since Lucifer had committed a truly heinous act and this sacrifice just couldn't be avoided. Vile beasts were bellowing and begging for blood and their cries could no longer be ignored.

Satan's Mullet (the magical alliance of Lucifer and Shambo) always works in tandem so when Lucifer was done drinking the chicken's blood out of an ornate chalice, the carcass was then passed on to Shambo to prepare a succulent meal. She had it all planned out. 1 part salt water, 2 parts fresh water, and a sprinkle of love. "Boiling the chicken yields the greatest amount of meat", says Shambo Colicchio. Padma looked on and agreed and we were off to the races! That is, until Danger Dave waltzed up and dared to question the Chef. He says boiling the chicken for 2 hours will ruin it. Shambo Ripert, empowered by Lucifer's hellfires, spat at Dave and in not so many words told him to fuck off. She's the captain of this ship now and questioning her will only result in scurvy and a bitch slap so you better step off Kenny G. Unfortunately, we never get to find out how the meal turned out. I'm assuming it was a tasty feast. If any Survivors want to email and let me know how it turned out, I'd be very appreciative.

Speaking of Survivors who are emailing me, nice segue huh? I think this is as good a place as any to discuss how someone, we'll call her Yasmin, is trying to bombard my blog with hate comments. I was rejecting them early on because the spelling offended me something awful, but this last one was just too good to ignore. First off, Yasmin found me by searching "bitchie blog" so that should tell you the education level we're dealing with here. Yasmin wanted to publish the following comment on a blog I wrote weeks ago, but I wanted to be sure you all saw it right here and now: "This Bitchie chick seems REAL JEALOUS of the BLACK SEXY BITCH it and weep you worthless tramp!!!My My My Im sure some Black Hot chick must have stole your man because u seem like a bitter CUNT!!!!!!!...LMAO @ u fucking wanna be!" Not only is it articulate, but I was called a "worthless tramp". *swoon* Music to my ears, my darling. Keep 'em coming Yasmin. You're good for comic relief.

Anyhow, back to our story. Night has settled in and all the little lovelies are nestled in their beds. One lone curly Survivor sleeps fitfully. She's kicking at her covers, Loverboy buff covering her eyes, random crabs crawling all around while God himself delivers her a message. "Shambo, this is God, you must vote out Dave. Oh and I have your chicken. Thank you." Shambo awakes with the rising sun and looks at the world around her. It all may look the same, but it's different too somehow. Colors are more vivid, sounds are sharper, the chicken cage looks a little less occupied. A miracle has taken place and it's Shambo's duty to carry it out. You see, all her life, Shambo has been having nocturnal convos with God. He whispers sweet nothings into her ear and, as a result, she's special and filled with light and love. When you're filled with light and love what's the first thing you do? Yup. You run to Lucifer.

Shambo tells Lucifer how she had a dream about voting out Dave. Lucifer looks at her, straight faced, and says that that's what they have to do now. Of course 2 seconds later he's talking to us and laughing while his belly jiggles (Seriously, why hasn't he lost any weight?). One could look at this as a betrayal, but I prefer to look at it as Lucifer not wanting to hurt Shambo's feelings. I maintain that deep down inside the fiery embers of his soul, Lucifer has a soft spot for all things Shambo. He doesn't like to see her sad and he chooses to protect her from anything that might make her frown. Even Satan's only son can see the power in a Shambo smile. It's a theory in it's early stages. I'm still working on it.

This brings us to the Immunity Challenge. Survivors have to grip a rope holding a heavy log. Every 3 minutes they have to alternate hands gripping a knot lower on the rope. The lower the knots, the heavier the log gets. Pretty Boy Jaison's advantage is that at any time he can move his hands 2 knots up on the rope. Survivor's ready, go! Pretty Boy uses his 2 knot advantage only after the 4th knot. In my notes I wrote "IDIOT". Turns out, I might have been wrong about that. Shambo, tickled in the no-no by the ghost of an angry chicken, let's go first and tumbles backwards. Immediately afterwards, Lucifer let's go too. See?!? I told you he doesn't like to see Shambo's feelings hurt. Shortly thereafter, they're followed by Pochantas, Rocket Boy, and Mick. It's down to Natalie Stronger Than She Looks, Danger Dave, and Pretty Boy Jaison. Jeff makes a comment about Natalie holding on longer than he thought she would which is such a loaded comment I can't stand it. Was he trying to say that a woman wasn't meant to win that challenge cuz that's what it sounded like to me? Anyhow, the comment must have pissed Natalie Hiding Secret Muscles because she let's go. It's Dave and Jaison now. Dave is doing some weird Yoga breathing thing, but I think the sun scalded his bald spot too much because he let's go and JAISON WINS IMMUNITY!

Back at camp, Shambo is self-assured and out to spread the word of God. The old Foa Foa agree to vote out Dave, but Rocket Boy, unbeknownst to himself, is about to fuck it all up. Rocket Boy is sitting on a log with Lucifer reminding him of the deal they made last Tribal Council. Lucifer suggests they vote out Mick which is hunky dorey with Rocket Boy, but is also a complete and utter lie. Then Rocket Boy pushes his luck. He tries to slyly slip in a comment about the Immunity Idol. He has a hunch Lucifer has it and it's clear he's trying get verification. Lucifer wasn't born in Hell yesterday so he's wise to what Rocket Boy is up to. At first he denies knowing anything about the Idol, but the temptation to dance with Pride is just way too strong. Lucifer ends up barfing out that he has the Idol and in one fell swoop Rocket Boy's future in this game is now uncertain. You see, there are two things Lucifer can't stand to have in his presence. One is a girl who questions him and the other is someone knowing he has the Idol. Well, Rocket Boy fills the bill of the latter and now, much like that chicken, he must be sacrificed. It wasn't meant to go down that way, but the Underworld has it's laws too and they just so happen to supercede the laws of, oh I don't know, God and Shambo.

Lucifer leaves Rocket Boy thinking Mick is the sacrificial lamb. He then runs to Mick and tells him that due to unfortunate circumstances Rocket Boy must go. Mick is thrilled. Rocket Boy is one of the only good looking guys left. It's just better for Mick all around if he disappears now. He skips daintily over to Pretty Boy Jaison to share the news. You'd think that after last week's recap of Jaison threatening Rocket Boy that he'd be totally onboard as well. Not so! Pretty Boy Jaison has had an awakening of sorts and he answers to only one person from now on: Shambo. Pretty Boy has seen the light, or the mullet, and he's scared that Shambo will leave him if he doesn't vote out Dave as planned. He's seen how Galu hung her out to dry and treated her like trash and he doesn't want to put her through that again. Awwww. In that moment, I really liked Pretty Boy. He might babble a lot and live in several parallel universes, but the truth is he's a genuinely nice guy deep down inside. While nice may be lovely on the outside world, it's serves only to hinder in the Survivor world especially if you have Satan's only son calling the shots.

Lucifer has a heart to heart with Dave and tells him that he's in danger (Ha! Get it? Danger... nevermind) and that unless he agrees to vote out Rocket Boy, he's a goner. Danger Dave thinks about it for maybe a millisecond, agrees, and goes to back to his alliance to spread the word. The only people not let in on the new plan are Shambo and Rocket Boy. I'll just tell myself that Lucifer was protecting Shambo and leave it at that. Rocket Boy, on the other hand, well, he should have shared his pie I guess. I don't know.

Cut to Tribal Council where Shambo is sitting on a rainbow describing how for the first time the day wasn't about strategy at all. Jeff, seeing his opening for drama, asks Lucifer what he thinks. Lucifer says the entire day was about strategizing which makes Medusa, over on the jury with a stupid flower in her hair, giggle and gloat. Shambo is too busy making a candy necklace to realize what's about to go down. No matter how hard Jeff tries to make Shambo realize that all is not well, she's unphased and confident. She had that dream, remember? Her dreams mean more to her than Jeff's prodding ever could. Unfortunately, dreams aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Let's read the votes. Mick... (Rocket Boy smiles) Dave... (Shambo glows)... John... (Rocket Boy smirks)... JOHN... (uh oh)... JOHN... (at this point Rocket Boy's smile completely disappears)... JOHN... JOHN (Rocket Boy's jaw is now on the floor)... JOHN (Medusa mumbles "He's so screwed" - oh shut up you old hag!)... JOHN... JOHN IS VOTED OUT OF SURVIVOR SAMOA. Douchified Erik whips his shirt off and tweaks his own nipples. Danger Dave sits back smug. Rocket Boy is damn near in tears and Shambo sits there wondering when the REAL votes will be read.

It wasn't meant to go down like that Rocket Boy. You grew on us. You rubbed noses with Lucifer but you got too close to the flame. You dance with the devil and you're only going to get burned. You may be a Rocket Boy to the world, but to me you'll always be a Rocket MAN. This one's for you:

So what did you guys think? Did you want Rocket Boy to go last night? How do you think this will affect next week? Will Lucifer finally be in trouble? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Here is this week's Life At Ponderosa. Please to enjoy:

UPDATE: CBS just sent out a press release that next week's episode will be a DOUBLE ELIMINATION.