Friday, August 28, 2009

Ben - The Backwoods Bartender


Today we meet Ben Browning. Ben is 28 and calls himself a "mixologist". Basically, he's a bartender who thinks he's too cool to call himself a bartender (yes, Memphis from BB10 calso alled himself a mixologist). Per CBS, "Ben is often seen with a girl on each arm and boldly claims he’s never been rejected.“I’m one of those people that just get lucky for some reason, if I want it, I do what I have to do to get it.”" Oh Ben... you almost make it too easy for me. First off, you're not cute and the sideways smirk is just obnoxious. Giving girls free Alabama Slammer's does not make you a ladies man. I'll bet you have a tip jar filled with books of matches all with your phone number on them. You slyly slip them to the drunken sorority girls planning on having their first bisexual experience that night with their best girlfriend named Ronna and fancy yourself to be a really hot player. Ben, my love, you're a bartender. You're not a catch.

CBS goes on to describe this douchebag thusly, "Ben has worked hard for all he has in life and says “I don’t like cry babies, I like people who work their asses off, like people from where I’m from.” He is also quick to admit that the one thing he can’t stand is “whiners and wimps.” " Oh please. All he has in life is a studio apt. in a 5 story walk up riddled with tip jar after tip jar filled with tainted books of matches. Get over yourself Benny. As far as hating whiners and wimps... ok I can get onboard with that. I hate them too. Please Ben make fun of all the little people and maybe we can talk again about having a friendship. And no, I will not sleep with you.

Ben likes to ride his motorcycle even though he crashed it in 2007. Oh so he's not very bright either? OK I think I'm grasping what it is that makes Ben tick. He's part of a motorocycle group that calls themselves the WhiskyBoys. After a hard day at the Honky Tonk making Screaming Orgasms for underage Spring Breakers, Ben likes to unwind with his hairy motorcycle friends and tell tall tales of the road. They dream of heading to Sturgis one day... an old lady riding bitch, the wind in their hair, bugs in their teeth... they stay up until the wee early morning talking about all the cool tattoos they're gonna get.

Ben says he's just "a big hillbilly who will be rich someday". OK erase everything I just said. He's really got self help books hidden behind the bar and he sleeps with young rich women looking for a careless evening. He makes up rhymes in his spare time and impresses all the ladies by throwing bottles of Ketel One in the air. I hated it when Tom Cruise did it and I hate it when you do it Ben. Unfortunately, I'm predicting Ben will go far and will try to woo all the ladies along the way. He could be entertaining if he's a floundering lothario. By no means, do I want him to win. I base this only on the 3 paragraphs I've read about him, but he could be funny to watch. He's arrogant and arrogance always plays well in Survivor. Godspeed Ben!



UPDATE:

I don't like the way he says "pansies". It sounded malicious.

3 comments:

  1. Lala. I finally get that you just don't like "them pretty boys". First Jeffy Pooh and now Ben. I admit they are most likely both tools, but come on! How can you deny their hotness?!

    OH and I keep meaning to ask you...is your mom's name Vivi?

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  2. Vivi? As in DIVINE SECRETS OF THE BLAH BLAH SISTERHOOD Vivi? LMAO. That's good Deborah. Touche. So that makes me Sidda? Sandra Bullock? OK I'll take it, but can I be Sandy from Practical Magic? She had better hair in that one.

    My problem with pretty boys is exactly as you say "they are most likely tools". There are a few diamonds in the rough I'll admit, but Benny Boo's interview quotes made me choke on vomit. I prefer the bad boys... unkempt and wild.

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  3. :o) You make me lol all the time. I was serious when I asked you if your mom was Vivi. No insinuation to movies. I know a women who's name is Vivi Lala (not sure if that's your real last name, but I'm thinking not). She has a daughter in the D.C. area and I thought you could actually be her daughter. I figured it was a long shot but thought I would ask anyway...Keep on blogging my bitch! I can't wait for Survivor to start if not only to read your bitchy blog.

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