Friday, September 25, 2009

The Hood Is Not The Woods

Begin 'Dueling Banjos'

If you refer to fifth grade as your senior year, you might be a redneck.

If you think possum is "the other white meat", you might be a redneck.

If your idea of high quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug zapper, you might be a redneck.

If the KKK ever kicked you out for being a bigot, you might be Ben Browning.

Before I get to this luscious piece of spam cake, let's walk ourselves through last night's build up. We begin with a little visit to Foa Foa, or where I like to refer to as "the ninth ring of hell". Russell H. (AKA Lucifer) is knifing a kitten in the eye talking about how pleased he is that Marisa is gone, "If you play with fire, you're going to get burned. I'm excited Marisa is gone." He then grabs a lifeless pony carcass and marches over to Betsy. Betsy is telling Lucifer how even though she doesn't trust him, she'll still talk to him and braid his hair at night. Lucifer turns on the charm and tells Old Betsy that she made a big mistake voting out Ashley at the last Tribal Council. Old Betsy stands by her decision and Lucifer just nods and smiles. Much to Old Betsy's surprise, he begins to rub pony blood over his nipples and tells her that he's still loyal to her and wants to keep her in the game. Note to viewers: If ever you see Lucifer rubbing freshly spilled blood over any part of his body, he is lying.

The happy scene ends and we get what I've been waiting a week for... my theme song. Only this time I'm disappointed. It's all slowed down and the opening lyrics are changed and I didn't know whether to try to dance to the new monstrosity or kick my leprechaun in between the eyes. I chose to dance, but it wasn't pretty I tell you. Lots of big dramatic sweeping arms accompanied with tiny fluttering leg kicks. Mr. O'Shaugnessy tried to dance too, but the new beat threw him off and he fell over completely trashing my new charcoal portrait of Sebastian Bach (Did you hear he's going to be on Celebrity Fit Club? Don't you love it?!). I was unhappy and confused so I plopped down on the couch, crossed my arms, and pouted. I thought to myself, "Only a hood rat and an ignorant hillbilly racist could save this episode now." And seriously, what are the chances of that happening? :)

We pop over to Galu and find Yasmin deep in the throes of a diva bitch fest. Foxy Brown isn't happy at all with her surroundings and she's taking it out on all things nature. The trees look at her wrong, her bed is hard and bumpy, the heat is up too high, and the bugs are gnawing on her like she's the sweetest piece of chocolate Godiva ever produced. She's confused as to why Survivor has to be outdoors, "Who could love the outdoors when you could be indooors?" She flips off the sun and the ocean and says the phrase that tingled everyone no-no's, "The hood is not the woods!" Can I get a hallelujah?

Yes, she's funny and profound, but... bitch please. What show did you think you signed up for? Even I, in my gin haze, know that Survivor is a horrifying outdoorsy hell on Earth. You couldn't pay me to do this show. Until they get wifi, Egyptian Cotton sheets, and a Whole Foods I'll keep my high maintenance ass at home... in a bubble bath of champagne... where it belongs. Has Lil Mama ever even seen this show before? Seriously, how many times did she get smacked with the idiot stick that she felt it was no problem at all to bitch about her surroundings IN FRONT OF HER ENTIRE TRIBE!?! How did she ever pass the IQ test? Come to think of it, how did she ever pass 8th grade? There is nothing that pisses me off more than a reality show contestant bitching about the very reality show they tried desperately to be on. Makes zero sense to me and makes me make kabobs out of my pancreas.

Over at Foa Foa, Hillbilly Ben is busy killing a 4 inch lizard and displaying it proudly over his head. He did it all by himself. I knew his toothpicks would come in handy at some point. Jeff Foxworthy is thrilled he's killed something that he can almost wear as a hat and he goes off to prepare a lizard feast. Meanwhile, Jaison and Lucifer are discussing Marisa's departure. Jaison was shocked and hadn't realized that Lucifer hated her so much. Lucifer corrects him and says, "It's not about hate. It's about the game. She was a threat." He then reaches into his chest cavity, where is heart should be, and pulls out a contract written in pony blood. He proposes that he and Jaison team up and work together. Jaison is likable and strong and Lucifer thinks he'd made the perfect sacrifice... er I mean partner. I NEVER saw this twosome as a possible pairing, but I like it. I like it a lot. It's a great fucking alliance of good v. evil, pretty v. ugly, strapping v. paunchy, black v. white. Yup, it works for me.

Jaison signs the contract in his own blood and Lucifer lays out his plan. Lucifer thinks it would be genius to find the Immunity Idol before anyone gets any clues. I hate to side with Satan (no I don't), but I've always thought this too! I've often thought that if I were ever on Survivor I'd search high and low for that damn Idol with or without any clues. Should I be pleased or petrified that Lucifer and I are on the same wavelength? No matter. I'll think about that tomorrow. Anyhow, Lucifer begins his search for the Idol while ASSley bitches about not wanting to eat lizard chops. Wouldn't you know it? Lucifer gets on the ground, looks up a tree trunk like it's a woman's skirt, and he finds the damn Idol! My jaw hit the floor and I prayed that he'd make a Fake Idol in the very near future. There's nothing I love more than a Fake Idol being used at Tribal Council. The humiliation is exhilerating!

Lucifer is thrilled he found the Immunity Idol and says, "When I looked up I almost passed out" (duh... "up" is where heaven is). He scampers over to Jaison to share the news and prove to Jaison that he's trustworthy. Jaison immediately re-signs the blood contract cementing his partnership with Lucifer and Lucifer skips off to bury the Idol in the sand. According to Survivor law, since Lucifer found it, no one can ever take it from him. I totally thought it could be stolen. Am I wrong about this?

Right before the Challenge, Mike and Betsy are worried about going home. They're old and decrepit and haven't had their geritol so it's no surprise they're scared. Tree Mail arrives announcing the Challenge and it's ominous and evil sounding. In other words, it's a nursery rhyme to Lucifer. Mike puts on some war paint, prepares himself mentally, and vows to kick some Survivor ass. He says, "I'll take them down to China Town... I'll die trying." And almost die he does.

In what has to be one of the most violent Survivor Challenges ever, the tribes are instructed to battle to retrieve balls, pass the balls to tribemates on a platform, and then shoot the balls in the opposing tribes basket. The first one to 3 points wins fishing gear, a twist, and Immunity. Dimples says, "If you can't catch a fish with this, go home!" As Galu has one more tribe member, they sit out Monica.

Surviors Ready. Go! Immediately, the men smash into each other violently. Mike is tackling anyone in his sights. Lucifer is practically killing Brett. The ball gets passed to Liz. She shoots she scores. 1 point for Foa Foa!

Round 2: The women are in the pit this time. Survivors Ready. Go! Shambo starts barrelling through the taut female forms while Kelly gets choked and manhandled by someone. Rocket Boy gets the ball, lobs it into the basket. The score is now tied 1-1.

Dimples is frightened by what he sees so he calls a time out and warns everyone that choking, head butting, and anything resembling a cheap shot is forboden and will be removed from the game.

Round 3: Game on! Ben lunges at Rocket Boy's ankles. Natalie gets choked. Ben turns to Dreads and kicks him straight in the shins. Dimples blows his whistle and throws Ben out of the game. The game resumes and Erik scores for Galu. It's now 2-1.

Round 4: It's all men now. Dave and Lucifer collide. Erik smashes Mike to the ground. Mike gets up completely stunned and confused. His tribe is screaming at him, but his face just goes blue. Laura gets the ball, sinks it in the basket, and GALU WINS REWARD AND IMMUNITY!

Mike collapses and sees stars and Dimples asks Ben how he feels getting kicked out of the game. Ben smiles a toothless grin and says, "Outlaw baby. Whatever. No use crying over spilled milk." I so want that stitched on a pillow with a hand embroidered chain of daisies all around it. Dimples guffaws at Ben's remarks and moves on to the twist. As Galu's leader, Dreads gets the power to send someone from his tribe to spend the night with Foa Foa and watch their Tribal Council tomorrow. Dreads picks Yasmin and I'm left scratching my head wondering why. Then it dawned on me... he probably just wanted to get rid of her for the night.

Dimples wants Medical to take a look at Mike before he heads back to Foa Foa. His blood pressure is 92/60 and the medic asks him to stand up. He immediately gets light headed, says he's feeling whoozy, and collapses. The poor guy is having trouble breathing and his blood pressure is super low. Due to my vast medical training (no not really) I know that a low blood pressure is bad and should be avoided. They take his blood pressure again and now it's 80/60. It's getting lower and he's dizzy and his heart isn't doing what it's supposed to so the medic has no choice but to pull Mike from the game. Dimples crushes Betsy's soul and tells Foa Foa that they will still go to Tribal Council and vote someone out.

It's so sad and depressing that I immediately wish I could get a Shambo bathing suit scene to cheer myself up. Well, Survivor never disappoints and I got my wish. Shambo with her broad magnificent white belly is swimming like a lovely mulleted mermaid in the sea looking for fish to spear. She's a vision in mullet! All the marine life immediately began singing 'Part Of Your World' while the clams snapped in unison. Shambo doesn't want the fish to stop singing so she decides not to kill them. She thinks it's time for a swamp bath and she retreats to a muddy pool of water to languidly stretch her chubby white limbs. I demanded Mr. O'Shaugnessy put on a mankini and dance a jig for me.

Back at Foa Foa, Yasmin is under the false impression that she's been elected mayor of Survivor Town. She gathers the tribe up and gives them some kind of ridiculous speech about how competing against them is like taking candy from a baby. Lucifer began to spew fire and Ben immediately went hunting for his Klan hat. The rest of the tribe just sat there staring at her like she was nuts. What this whole display is of course is Yasmin fighting for air time. I'm thinking that's what her whole diva fest back at her own camp was about as well. Her desperation for recognition is fucking up her game and that's fine with me. Let the bitch sink herself. See if I care.

Yasmin, or "Jasmine" as Ben calls her, pulls Ben aside and reprimands him for tackling her in the game. He says he was just playing and it didn't matter that she was a girl. She continues to foam at the mouth and says, "You're not showing me no sympathy!" Ben scoffs and wonders where he put his noose while Yasmin keeps hooting and hollering about him being ignorant. Then, in one of the best interviews ever, Ben says, "Jasmine has a big mouth. Jasmine smells bad... She's pretty close to being a hooker! She's barking up the wrong tree." Oh Ben... I love it when you call chicks hookers. I was happy enough with the smelly hooker remark, but Hillbilly Ben just couldn't keep his mouth shut and he proceeded to do his Klan members proud, "She's ghetto trash, plain and simple. She needs to go to back to drinking Kool Aid and eating ketchup sandwhiches and go back to wherever it is she came from.” Oh no he di'in't! Oh yes he did. And with that we've got our first racist of the season.

Is it just me or does the idea of Ben lasting to the Merge and being whipped by Dreads sound magnificent? Oh well... that's a long way off and Ben has some more people to piss off in the meantime. He stays up all night smacking things with his machete and keeping everyone up. I have no idea what his M.O. is. It was almost as if he was asking to be sent home. Betsy thinks Ben's asking for it and Jaison thinks the "outlaw" thing is all a facade and that he's really a puppy dog underneath. Seriously Jaison? Anyhow, Betsy gets to work on the women (ASSley and Natalie) and she tells them to vote their woman's intuition and get Ben out. Since ASSLey is such an idiot and will believe anything you tell her, she considers it and approaches Liz to see what to do. Liz is hell bent on getting Old Betsy out. She's over 40 for crying out loud. She shouldn't even be alive! Lucifer catches on to ASSley's bitching and says that ASSley is next on his list. Oh thank you Lucifer! I'm going to send you a muffin basket right quick.

At Tribal Council Dimples asks them if Foa Foa is a big happy family now that Marisa is gone. Liz, someone I'm really beginning to hate, says yes. Idiot. Dimples calls her on it and says that if they're happy then Yasmin's visit must have been pleasant. Ben views the comment as an invitation for more racism and he says, "Her grammar is so poor it's like talking to an idiot. She's ghetto trash!" *giggles* I know it's rude and wrong and incredibly racist, but it's dramatic so I'm allowed to giggle. When Ben comes across to millions of people as an ignorant racist hillbilly my heart swells. The more people that hate him, the better. At least that's how I see it.

Betsy chimes in and blames Ben being eliminated from the challenge as the reason they lost. Dimples asks Ben about his elimination and Ben, ever so eloquently, says, "You never said we were playing by sissy rules." Oh why can't a fabulous gay be on Foa Foa? How heavenly would it be to see a hot swishy gay guy cut Ben down to size? That's dark chocolate dipped in diamonds right there. Dimples smirks and looks pissed off. He dismisses Yasmin telling her she can keep what she's seen a secret or she can blab it to everyone over at Galu. She leaves and Probsty tells them it's time to vote.

Old Betsy uses her cane to get to the voting booth and she sings the lyrics to the COPS theme song while writing down Ben's name. As lovely as it was, it was futile. By a vote of 5-1 Betsy is the second person voted out of Survivor Samoa. Oh Betsy, we hardly got to know you. I would have loved to have seen you pull a fast one on Lucifer, but your tribe is filled with idiot women who do his bidding. You were fighing a losing battle. Godspeed.

So, my dear readers, what did you think of last night's episode? Did you want Ben to go home instead? Do you like Lucifer more or less after last night? Will you miss Mike at all or was he just dead weight? Finally, what do you think of the Jaison/Lucifer alliance? From the looks of next week, it appears as if making a deal with the devil might not have been Jaison's best move. What do you guys think?

Thanks for stopping by and have a great day everyone!


  1. You are even better at the Survivor blog than you are at the Big Brother blog. Hilarious!
    I wanted to hate Russell but the more I watch him the more I get a kick out of him. I can't wait to see how far he goes. Bummed about Betsy though... Mike... eh... hope he feels better.

  2. Great blog! keep it going.

  3. I won't miss Mike, although I feel bad since he didn't get on past Survivors b/c of his health. I wish Betsy's tribe wasn't so stupid, I can't believe they don't see through "Lucifer's" lies. I think him finding the secret hidden immunity idol w/out any clues right in front of everyone was genius! I'm worried about his and Jaison's alliance, although it does look like it may crumble next week.
    Oh Shambo, Shambo,'s scary to think that her losing that snorkel piece may be her downfall. I hope she finds it the next time she goes back to that swamp. Perhaps it'll get wrapped up in her glorious mullet locks.
    I'm still waiting for them to even mention Kelly. You wouldn't even know she was on this season of Survivor.

  4. i loveeee jaison

    he's easily my favorite.

    russel find the idol was just.. O_O

  5. Careful hon... Ben's comments were in no way racist and could just as easily have applied to a White person living in a ghetto, etc... Love Ben! Loved seeming him stick it up Jeff's arse, exactly where it should be. LOL. Loved his "sissy rules" comment. Diggin' it. Russell so rocks with his finding the idol. Don't want him to win though because he already HAS MONEY :P. Shambo? Seriously? LOL Puh-weeze! LOL

  6. Due to living in a zoo I missed parts of the show. Thanks for the recap! Russell is a villian to love b/c he's so blatant. I don't really want him to win - in fact I'd like to see someone or a group of someones catch on and cut him off at the knees. By the way...I think he looks a bit like an evil leprechaun - not to be confused with your dear Mr. O'S. Just look at him next show. See if you see it. That's why our dear blogger loves him so. Anyway...he's mean and vile, but he's playing the game. I think Ben is a big jerk. Wish he would have left, but no...Russell is doing the thinking for too many people. I'm not loving the Jaison / Russell alliance...have to see how it plays out. I like Jaison a lot and I don't want it to blow up in his face. I would be cool if he made it blow up in Russell's face, but what are the odds. I missed the part about Shambo losing the snorkel. That's a WAY BIG oops and could cost her. ...gina

  7. I would rather have seen the baby outlaw go home. I wanted Betsy to be the one to send Lucifer aka Sir Skidmark home. (Filthy underwear - is that the only thing he has to wear??) Foa Foa is proving to be one of the dumber tribes I've seen on this show. As Betsy was leaving, I was thinking "Nice move, dipshits. I'm going to enjoy watching you lose challenges and not sleep while Sir Skidmark picks you off one by one." Yasmin is an even bigger idiot than every FF member combined - I KNEW as soon as I watched her video that there wasn't a chance in hell she'd do "more listening than talking". My guess is she's one of the first Galu voted out, but if she does make it to the merge, she's put a huge bulls-eye on her back in regards to Foa Foa. I'm already fantasizing about a double eviction night where Lemming Liz and Yasmin are both voted off. Talk about a tingling no-no!!

    Lucifer/Sir Skidmark - love him as a Survivor villian, can't stand him as a person, have to give him big props for finding the hidden immunity idol. I'm assuming it took him a lot longer to find it than editing made it seem, but the fact that he did it witout a single clue is impressive. I don't think he should have told Jaison. If/when his tribe catches onto his game and decides to give him the boot, chances are it will get out that he has it, and they can use his huge ego to their advantage in blindsiding him - assuming they're smart enough, I have my doubts. Personally, if I were Jaison, that tidbit of info would be worth getting Lucifer out, simply to put the idol back in play. In the past, players have been able to give it away (I'm fuzzy about if it could be stolen), but it sounds like they changed the rules this season. Still don't see Lucifer winning - I think the merge will do him in, if he even makes it that far. I predict a tribe shake-up soon - mess with his game AND put Yasmin in a bad spot in one fell swoop. Another tingling no-no moment!

    I was really sad to see Mike go. He seemed likable enough, but more than that, to be taken out so early after working so hard for a second shot at the game - sucks big time, imo.

    I wish I had a snapshot of Dimples face when Hillbilly made the comment about playing by sissy rules. Priceless!!

    Lala, love you, but I have to say I'm a little disappointed that I got no recognition of my genius when I named the movie you referenced in The Villian blog. You got your recognition for Ronnie's finale t-shirt - just sayin'...

    ~ Carrie, the frazzled mommy elbow deep in the Terrible Twos

  8. The movie quote in the Villain blog? Refresh my memory. Was it the Gone With The Wind thing? My deepest apologies. I realized days later I completely forgot to congratulate the people who directly guessed it. My memory is only good for about 72 hours. After that I don't remember a damn thing. Forgive me.

    If it was another blog let me know, you'll get your proper kudos next Friday. :)

  9. Carrie, I found it... the Armageddon reference! You are indeed right. I neglected to give you the proper praise. I'll remedy it right now. :)

  10. for me this episode was the realization that “Out Law Baby” Ben must pull hella tang at his bar tending gig. You know, those hotties with kinda rad bodies & torn up faces.... bet Liz hooks up with him, or maybe Jaison???

  11. Loving your survivor blog. I am thrilled that Russell found the imunity idol without a clue. I too hope that he at least makes a fake idol and would love to see him go to the other camp and get the other idol. I would love for yasmine to find the fake and make a fool out of herself. I disagree... Ben did not make any racist comments. He spoke his honest feelings about a biotch that came into their camp talking trash with personal attacks on him. Her English was poor, and she was acting ghetto. I loved that she was not allowed to talk at tribal councel. Although Ben is not a favorite, he was right to fight back and not let that biotch walk (or run) all over him.

  12. With regards to "Foxy Brown",... "How can a nice set of cans phat-coochie,& an ass that tight n' nice be attached to such an annoying Beeyoutch?"

  13. oooOOOOHH, Lala, great blog as always, but I gotta tell you, I so disagree with you. Am even angry at CBS. These people try so hard and some many times, to get on this show and to let pudgy pigman on there just so he can get his yayas off by feeding his power trip is disgusting to me, (I'm betting he bought his way on). To purposely weaken your own tribe does not make a great game player in my book. I'm done watching it. But, I will, as always, be here for your blog, love it and love ya, girl.

  14. Wonderful write-up, thanks for the many grins and laughs. I think Evil Russell is lots of fun, but we all know that having too many secret alliances will eventually backfire when they all start comparing notes.
    As for Jaison, good move for Lucifer, but when he said the needed to get rid of Marisa becauses she was a threat...a light bulb should have gone off over Jaison's head, but so light.
    Yasmine over at "Foe-Foe" was classic Survivor stupidity. Maybe she's related to Chima of BB11? Yes, Ben has recently renewed his KKK License to be stupic, but many feel Yasmine got what she deserved.

    Again, thanks for a good read. Looking foward to your comments next week.

  15. I totally agree with Lala that Ben's comments sounded racist. Yes, Yasmin was annoying, but his comments to her about her grammar, being ghetto...etc Would he have said that if she was white?

    Loved the episode though! Two evil jerks on one tribe?? I love it! I really hope that Jaison goes far though, the rest of the tribe I don't give a shit.

    Awesome blog as usual!

  16. I hate weak assed tribes. Foa Foa is going to barely have enough people to even make the merge and then get picked off one by one. I love the "skidmark" name for Lucifer. He does look like an evil little leprechaun.

    Shambo blew it. They won't forget that she lost part of the snorkel or that she didn't catch fish. Maybe she can team up with Russell after the merge. Might be her only hope. At least he will make the merge now that he found the idol. Great move, btw.

    I got nothing for Yasmine and hope she's next to go. She should have just kicked it on the beach and watched Foa Foa implode. Not great TV, but much more entertaining and safer for her. As for Ben, LMFAO at everything that came out of his mouth. Then felt guilty for it. Shame on me. I'll go have a ketchup sandwich and some kool-aid now.


  17. LaLa, genius as always. Russel with his evil ass totally won me over by finding the idol. There he was digging up a tree and no one is paying any mind. Hello?! Faite attentioĆ³n! YouYou'reon survivor. Morons.

    But to my fellow posters - Ben is a racist ass. At least he said racist things. Ketchup sandwiches? Kool aid? Please. Don't get it twisted.

  18. That man is revolting, disgusting and gross. Yes I know they are basically the same thing but I really wanted to empahsize how icky he is.
    And seeing Betsy last week made me wonder how hard it must be to be a cop and not be able to repremand people for their behavior. I know it's never been done before, but don't you think it would be interresting to see the survivor contestants create a jail for their tribe? They totally should and throw Russell in there for being a sock thief/property burner.

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  20. I'm all for the use of jails in reality shows (love it on BBUK). I'm not sure how effective they'd be on Survivor though. An enterprising criminal (like Russell) would just pull a Shawshank and dig a hole to freedom. It would be damn entertaining though. :)

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  22. I can so relate to Yasmine!! Used to be her twenty years I'm an old, mellow, wiser crazy black woman.

    As far as Ben being a racist, I don't know. If a forty year old, highly educated, white man had said the things Yasmine did Ben would have made cutting comments about him too..."high falootin, smarty pants, booklovin, big word usin Yale trash.. I don't know! I honestly would have said similar things to Yasmine myself, she was just acting the fool.

  23. Excuse me while I wipe the ketchup from my fingertips....

    Awesome blog as always and awesome episode. Looking for the idol in the camp before anyone got a clue was pure genius but stuffing it down his shorts when he found it was even better since surely no man, woman or beast would ever want to be caught glancing at Lucifer's package.

    Sorry Miss Detroit but nowhere in the rules does it say I have to let you win the $1m. If I were on the show I would take your head off too in a challenge.

    Captain Milquetoast over at Foa Foa has to be French.

    Shambo is gone the minute her torch touches the flame of life for the first time at Tribal.

    Can I use Betsy's name in New Hampshire ? I did finally get my driving privileges back in vermont.

    Is it Thursday yet ?