Friday, October 23, 2009

That's What You Get When You Turn On Shambo

"One day it started raining, and it didn't quit for four months. We been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin' rain... and big ol' fat rain. Rain that flew in sideways. And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath." - Forrest Gump

The torrential Samoan scene opens with our heroes and heroines sitting around looking at their puffy crinkly water logged philanges. Samoa in the rain is not a place you want to be apparently... especially if you live in a shelter made of twigs and bark. Our cast is shivering, ratty clothes clinging to their malnourished frames, embers of a long forgotten fire now soaked and laughing at them. Buzzkill Mick muses how lucky ASSley is to have gone home last week. She may not have won the million, but at least she has a roof over her head and a warm blanket. Only one man takes joy in all this suffering. One lone impeccably arched eyebrowed man rubs his belly and taunts the rain to fall faster. His name is Lucifer and from the rain he gathers strength. Like Matt Dillon in SINGLES, "this negative energy only makes [Lucifer] stronger."

Lucifer was made for suffering. Hell, as Lord Of The Underworld, he's responsible for it. Pretty Boy Jaison, on the other hand, has had about enough of this Samoan hell. He sits pouting and bitches incessantly over how cold and wet he is. The conditions are driving him to the brink of insanity as he laughs maniacally and talks about some elusive friend of his named Captain Planet. Lucifer, paunchy and resilient, looks on disapprovingly and says he didn't sign up for Survivor to vacation at some ritzy resort. "I wanna be somewhere I cain't take my fambly", he grumbles. (Thanks Allen) He looks up to the sky, challenges the man upstairs to break him, and goes back to hoping this rain will make someone quit the game.

Over at Galu, it's a similar story only their version of "Russell" is walking along the beach, doing chores, and getting weird unappealing close-ups. The music becomes dark and foreboding and we know... oh yes, we know. Dreads won't last the hour. Something bad will happen to him. We don't know what and we don't know how, but we know it's impending so we go refill our beers and popcorn and sit anxiously awaiting his demise. *giggle*

The rest of Galu is gathered under a tree groping each other and trying to stay dry. I think they know. They know Dreads has the stamp of death on him and they're just trying to save their own souls at this point. What's really going on is that Dreads is scared to sit still. He's spent this entire game making the WORST decisions a human can possibly make and now he's petrified to appear any more useless than he already does. He fumbles with the dying fire, stacks damp wood, and polishes some coconuts for good measure. His efforts are useless and purely for show and his tribe is wise to his act. Dreads is tired, dehydrated (why can't he just drink the rain?), and too stubborn to know when to sit down that he stumbles and breaks part of the shelter when he decides to finally retreat from the rain. A wise Chief knows when to rest, but Dreads wasn't blessed with the wise gene. He's hamming it up for the cameras and refusing to delegate responsibilty making himself a dangerous liabilty to his tribe.

The parallels drawn between the two tribes last night did not go unnoticed Survivor editors. At Foa Foa, Russell is working and relishing the misery. At Galu, Russell is wandering and getting nothing done. At Foa Foa, Mick is wedging himself up against a tree trying to stay dry and insisting the bark absorbs his body heat. Over at Galu, Erik has turned into a Keebler Elf and pretty much lives under his big tree. What I got from these not so stark contrasts is that Lucifer is better than Dreads and Erik is better than Mick. Life/Survivor is a competition and not everyone will emerge a winner. Where you rank matters and, in my world, who you can laugh at the most matters even more.

After drawing parallels and pointing fingers at who's more useless a new day dawns and with it comes a giant rainbow. Erik skips out of his tree and performs a Sun Salutation while Dreads is convinced it's a message from God himself that everything is going to be ok. Only I know the truth. I do live with a leprechaun after all. I know the signs. That giant rainbow was constructed by none other than Mr. O'Shaugnessy. Occasionally, he likes to taunt people into thinking there's a pot of gold at the end of his rainbows, but, in reality, there's a pot of shit awaiting. Leprechauns are tricky especially when they've been drinking and not all rainbows are auspicious. Armed with false hope and stupid smiles, Galu bounces off to the challenge anticipating puppies, ponies, glitter, and cotton candy.

At the challenge, Dimples informs the tribes that one person will be strapped inside a sphere guided by 2 blindfolded people. They will guide the sphere to a table maze where the person in the sphere will tell the blindfolded people how to navigate the ball through the maze. First tribe to finish will win a pizza feast, but both tribes will be going to Tribal Council and, win or lose, both tribes will vote to evict. The winning tribe will get their pizza feast during the losing tribe's vote. As Galu has 85 extra members, Dreads needs to sit some people out. Danger Dave immediately tries to hint that perhaps Dreads should sit his fat ass out seeing that he's been teetering and exhausted the past few days. Dreads, immune to others' suggestions, does what Dreads does best. He sits out Shambo which makes ZERO sense. First off, Shambo is a warrior who's proved to be extremely valuable in any competition she partakes in. She may misplace chickens and snorkel parts, but she doesn't lose and she never gives up.

Seriously, there was no reason for Dreads to take part in that challenge last night. It didn't require heavy lifting, it wasn't too terribly physically taxing, and even a hundred pound chick could have rolled that sphere. Dreads was simply stubborn. Rarely has he sat himself out of a challenge or put his ego aside to do what's best for the tribe. The whole notion that good old fashioned selfishness and a stubborn mentality are to blame for what's coming makes it all the more laughable. The "Chief" moniker went to Dreads' head in a way that I don't think even the Survivor crew was aware of. He's literally infused himself with all these imaginary powers and responsibilities that have nothing to do with the betterment of the tribe. In fact, the chiefly galavanting he thinks will make Galu more powerful has only served to inhibit his tribe is unnecessary ways.

OK so the challenge begins and Asian Liz is guiding for Foa Foa with Laura guiding for Galu. Liz is doing a bang up job guiding Lucifer and Jaison through to the maze and they arrive fairly quickly with very little incident. Laura, on the other hand, is having a little trouble guiding Dreads and Erik down their path. Dreads is weak, lethargic, dizzy, and stumbling like Steven Adler, but eventually he gets the sphere to the target. Both tribes arrive at the table maze and Liz begins to bark orders to her tribemates. Over at Galu, Laura is yelling but Dreads can't even lift his foot. He's seeing stars and has to pause to catch his breath. Eventually, he stumbles his way to the table maze where he promptly rests his head and passes out.

The whole Galu tribe is shouting for Dreads to lift his mammoth cranium off the table but he just sits there, hunched over, not moving at all. Dimples looks on concerned wondering what to do while Galu keeps screaming at Dreads. Finally, it dawns on Dimples that something isn't right and he stops the game and calls in Medical. McSteamy and Torres come running in with Lexie and Karev in tow. They make Dreads stand up, but he just falls back down again and I think he hit his head on something but I'm not sure. The crew at Seattle Grace asks Dreads if he's ok, and he mumbles, "I'm good, I'm good, let's go!" Idiot. Now, I've passed out a few times in my life and the last thing you can/want to do is immediately stand up. You're disoriented, dizzy, and a little nauseous. The fact that Dreads, even in the midst of a black out, is still trying to play the game means only one thing: his stubbornness knows no bounds. That some deep seeded, permanently embedded shit right there. One could interpret it as a refusal to give up, but I see it as pure unadulterated delusional funny farm talk.

Jeff finally tells the rest of the players to take off their blindfolds. Dreads is talking crazy time and it's pretty obvious this challenge is going nowhere. Meredith takes Dreads' blood pressure and it's really low... lower than Mike's was way back when. Jeff, pissed off his challenge isn't going well and infected from hanging out with Lucifer too much, tells both tribes that even though Dreads is dying both tribes will still go to tribal council and both will still evict someone. Oh and none of the bitches are getting pizza either. That's what you get for not letting Jeff announce "So-and-so wins reward!" My first thought? Jeff is an evil little bitch. My second thought? Oh no... Shambo!

Dreads is on the brink of death and all I can think is "Shambo better be safe." See? I have my priorities in order. Dreads would do well to follow my example. OK so McDreamy and crew are still working on Dreads making him drink water and whatnot. After a few minutes they try to get him to sit up and the dude immediately passes out again... only this time it's with his eyes OPEN. That was some freaky shit right there. I think it made Probst tinkle his safari shorts. Mental note: If you're on Survivor, passing out with your eyes open = your ticket home. So yeah Probst calls it and tells Dreads he's outta the game to which Dreads cries and whimpers like a little bitch. Probst then sits there and blows sunshine up Dreads' ass telling him what a great chief he was and blah blah blah, I immediately began to wonder if Jeff and I were watching the same season. Had Dreads not been such a bitter Anti-Shambo dickhead, he'd still be in the game as far as I'm concerned. He never should have been in that challenge and he never should have denied Shambo steak last week. He got what he deserved and, it may sound harsh, but I'm glad his ass is gone.

Back at Galu, Danger Dave has a feeling Dreads isn't coming back as does Shambo. She confronts the 90210 girls and asks them not to vote for her. Bitter bitch Pocahontas can't get over the fact that Shambo wrote her name down last Tribal Council so she refuses to give Shambo her word. Meanwhile, the testosteroney ones are also discussing who should go home. Wisely, they surmise that Monica is weak and that, while Shambo may be dim, she's valuable and should stick around. I've got to give Rocket Boy some credit here. He made a good case for Shambo to stay and I wholeheartedly thank him for it. Overall, Rocket Boy hasn't been the major disappointment I initially thought he'd be. He's performed well in challenges and he's obviously on Team Shambo and, as a result, I'm forced to be nice to him for a little while. I always give credit where credit is due so Rocket Boy, I thank you. Keep up the good work.

At Foa Foa, Asian Liz and Natalie know that one of them is going home and they're remarkably ok with it. Lucifer, the mastermind to everyone's demise, pulls Natalie aside and assures her he'll get her the votes to stay and that Liz will be going home. Jaison, hiding in his hut, comes to the conclusion that there is a cancer in their tribe that's infecting them with bad luck. Uh duh. When you have Beelzebub sleeping next to you nothing good can come from it. For a second I wondered if Jaison would get wise to Lucifer and turn on him, but that feeling passed when I remembered that Satan's powers are no match for an overprivileged water polo player.

At Tribal Council everyone sits and talks about Dreads being gone. Shambo, without a mean bone in her body, says he'll be missed and that he had a good spirit. I was really hoping at that moment that Dreads was sitting at home feeling bad for treating her like shit, but then I remembered he's totally pussy whipped and that he was probabaly busy getting smacked around by his wife for screwing up her chance of being wealthy once and for all. Lucifer talked about how even though he was stronger than Dreads he definitely didn't want him to go out like that. He wanted to beat him fair and square (yeah right). Jeff eats this up with a spoon and gets the tribes to argue over who would have won that challenge. Erik, put his douche hat on again, and says no one can beat Galu and that they're unstoppable. Lucifer just sat back, rubbed his belly, and spewed fire. With red eyeballs and yellow teeth he warns Galu to "bring it" from now on and I instantly began to worry for Galu's well being. It's about time Lucifer turned his hate to a tribe other than his own. That little spat might have been the burning fire that Foa Foa needed to bring them together. Maybe now they'll act like a team rather than a bunch of useless individuals.

With that Probst tells them that due to unprecedented events, no one will be going home tonight. Immediately I leapt into my bathtub full of gin and celebrated. Bitches are dropping like flies this season on Survivor and 2 more eliminations would have been too many too fast. Galu is informed that they need to assign a new Chief and I'm thinking it'll be Dave. For some reason, I just don't see Erik stepping up and accepting the role. Who do you guys think will be the new chief? Are you sad to see Dreads go? What do you think of Shambo teaming up with the boys? When do you think the merge will happen? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. See, this is what happens when you mess with the Shambo.... Seriously, the shot of Dreads laying there all freaky with his eyes open! Creepy! Maybe it's just my jaded self, but it almost seemed like he was trying to make himself sick! Like the weight of all his bad karma just mind f***** him. Quite frankly, that medical team scares me. If they had to do anything more than take a blood pressure or put on a bandaid, I'd rather have a voodoo medicine man take over! Dimple's Emmy winning reaction was priceless! And if I was on FuFu, I would have thrown a 2 year old temper tantrum! Where's my damn pizza?! Clearly they were winning! And I bet they would have hidden some pizza up in a tree for Shambo to enjoy later! I can't wait for the merge, where Shambo will pack up her chicken(s), the broke ass fishing gear and secretly marry Lucifer in a midnite ceremony! Love your blog LaLa!!

  2. how many times did i hear people (not just dreads when he was down) complain about being dehydrated last night. it just rained for four days straight!! and havn't any of these people seen man vs wild or surviorman?? its not that had to make a shelter that stops the rain

  3. I knew Dread idiocy would come back to bite him in the ass. For a brief moment I felt bad for the guy, but after he treated Shambo the way he did he deserved what he got.

    The creepy eyes open pass out freaked my ass out. It was like he was staring right into my soul or something. Sort of like when Michelle on Big Brother would just stare out into the camera when I would make fun of her. FREAKY SHIT!!!

    I think Danger Dave should be leader and knock off those stupid bitches on his team that are so mean to Shambo. Those girls are like some stupid Preppy Clique in high school that I just wanted to bash their heads in constantly. Maybe I will get lucky and they will be struck down by the "Shambo Karma" that has obviously struck their "leader" or they will get swept out into the ocean never to be seen again..whichever works for me.

  4. you make me laugh so hard and most of what you say comes directly from my mind...anyway, just started reading bitchybigbrother this last season and i loved it...loved the daily updates, they were great. so when you announced the bitchysurvivor, i could hardly wait!! now, i never watched amazing race until this season, just so i could read your bitchyamazingrace you!!
    so glad dreads is gone! yay! i'm definately on team shambo (being a former Washington state resident myself) but lucifer cracks me up and i see him winning the whole thing. i think the merge is coming soon and it will definately be interesting to see how the dynamics change at that point

  5. Oh your blog gets better and better everyweek...I laughed so hard at the shout out to Grey's Anatomy that I think I peed my pants a little. Keep up the bitchyness!

  6. Love the bitchy blogs!! Did you ever think about doing a GG bitchy blog? I know it's not reality, but you could write some animated commentary about that show, for sure. Seriously, I think we may be tv/movie soulmates. Everytime you reference a movie or tv show its from something I adore, and sometimes even know by heart! Singles is quite the modern classic to be quoting :)

    Shambo will be ok for a while now, I think. The guys like her, so she's safe on her own tribe without a merge. And if they do merge, she'll be in even better shape since the other tribe loves her so much. I think Rocket Boy will not disappoint, he seems to know when to lay low and when to make a move.

  7. I am sooo glad Dreads is gone, don't matter to me how he left, just that he did. I am glad he didn't hurt himself, (other than his stupidity), but it does seem fitting that he put himself out. Now, it the other Russel could pass out a time or ten, I'd be a happy camper.
    As for a new leader, I think Erik would be a good choice. I believe his decisions would be based for the good of the tribe, not what he thinks would make him good.

    Hurray for Shambo! Now, if she can just stop losing things for the rest of the game, she has a good shot at winning. It never hurts to have men covering your butt. Most times that gives me the warm, fuzzy feeling in my no no.

    As always, your blog gave me my best laughs of the week.

  8. shampbo couldn't take the hint the guys weren't voting 4 her. she needed it explained in full detail like she was 7.

  9. i couldnt believe it took Probst and co. that long to realize they had a man down. I mean for Christ sake he passed out on the board. Twice. Look alive, people! If i hadnt already reasoned that we would have heard about it had someone died on survivor i would have been mighty scared for poor Russell. yes it was a shitty way for him to go out, but on the real they would have probably voted his ass out that elimination if not the next. The minute he traded the tarp for blankets he signed his metaphorical death certificate.

  10. As always a great blog - if I weren't 21 years sober I would have jumped in a bathtub of gin to celebrate reading it

    Burnett really overplayed the foreshadowing card with the opening scene where Capt dreadlocks almost passed out while fishing. I guess his massive protein intake at the expense of the Shambo-licious one was all for naught considering his demise later in the game. Like a tragic greek hero (which he wasn't) his hubris was his undoing. That and he passed out like half the drunks I saw on Bourbon Street recently. I was very surprised at how long it took The Probst to respond but not at all surprised by his deision to stiff everyone on the pizza party.

    props to Rocket boy for helping to spin the wheel of misfortune over to the Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Purple Polka Dot Bikini. The Shambo-licious one is a true warrior and while she has felt deserted by her tribe, I think his olive branch will be enough to turn her back to being the faithful lap dog that she so wants to be.

    The misnomer of captain will fall upon Dave - i hope the added responsibility doesn't make the rest of his hair fall out. Doesn't he remind you of someone from Rocky Horror ?

    Erik was not smart to taunt Lucifer and the rest of Foa Foa - seems that an about face in the results is being set up by that line of questioning.

    And finally, Jaison & Capt Milquetoast both know that Lucifer has the immunity idol but neither of them is smart enough of deceptive enough to get Asian Liz to vot against Lucifer because we all know that Lucifer is way too cocky (especially in his gray underwear) to ever think he would need to play the idol.

    Is it Thursday yet ?