Friday, November 13, 2009

Behold Satan's Mullet!


Some people would argue that the greatest invention of all time was the Printing Press or maybe something like the disposable diaper. I, however, am more inclined to appreciate the genius that is air conditioning, reality television, Jem (she's truly outrageous), contraception, and black feather boas (they're good for all occasions). Historians take note: We now have a new invention for the annals of time. I'm pleased to announce the all knowing, all powerful, greatest alliance ever in the history of Survivor... SATAN'S MULLET! (As named by the lovely and devious HoodedWarrior) Last week we caught but a mere glimpse of Satan's Mullet, but this week we got to witness it's majesty. Let's recap, shall we?



Our episode begins with Lucifer (Russell H.) saying he had no choice but to play the Idol last week. I'm inclined to agree. There's no way he could have known who Galu's target was and he would have looked like an enormous ass had he been voted out with the Idol still in his pocket. Laura, waving her bible in defiance, feels differently. Of course she does. She listens to Christian music and you know, as well as I do, that anyone who listens to Christian music just isn't right in the head. Ms. Bible Thumper thinks that Lucifer playing the Idol was the dumbest move ever. She claims Lucifer now has a big target on his back and he should be shaking in his little shoes. Oh Laura... you silly cow. Don't you know that you should never proselytize and you should never ever ever talk shit about the Lord Of The Underworld. It'll only end badly for you.



While Laura is busy sneering and looking ravaged, Natalie is taking a leisurely stroll along the beach. The sun is shining, the waves are crashing, the trees sway gently from side to side. It's a picture perfect day. Makes you want to cruise on a boat, make a seashell necklace, or kill an innocent rodent, doesn't it? While Natalie was busy daydreaming about mint juleps, big hair, and cheese grits she stumbled upon Ratatouille. Ratatouille was small, fuzzy, gray, and kind of cute for a rat. Seriously, did you see those whiskers? All Ratatouille ever wanted out of life was to eat some abandoned coconut on the beach and finish that dress for Cinderelly. Too bad for Ratatouille that a blonde Southern Belle came along and stole all of his dreams by bashing him on the head with an impossibly heavy stick. Never step directly in the path of a hungry debutante. That's my advice to women, children, and family pets everywhere.





Happy with her kill, Natalie Crockett marches back into camp with her knee high socks stomping the innocent sand and announces, "I killed a rat, y'all!" (Thanks Susan!) My first thought? There's a metaphor in here somewhere. That rat was too innocent to die without it representing something on a much grander scale. Didn't Sue (Survivor 1) warn us that the island was filled was 2 things: snakes and rats? I think Jeff was the snake and Jervis was the rat, but I'm not sure. ;) Anyhow, I continued to look for a deeper meaning in the brutal loss of life as the rest of the Aiga tribe just stood there dumbfounded, jaws on the ground, that such a seemingly innocent young lady would viciously kill Mickey Mouse in order to get a little protein. Jaison, in particular, was stunned musing how it's not like Natalie was a Shambo. Indeed Jaison. She lacks the innocence, delight, and mullet (obviously) to be a Shambo. The scene ends with Natalie, rat blood smeared on her face, announcing, "It's kinda tastes like chicken!"



While the rest of the tribe was busy protecting their puppies and kittens from Natalie, Lucifer was thinking to himself, "There's got to be another immunity idol somewhere in this camp." Yeah right. What are the chances of that happening? 3 idols in 1 game? I think not! Oh Lucifer, how you dream! *thunder clap and lightening*



This brings us to the Reward Challenge. Aiga is divided into 2 teams of five where each team will race to retrieve some poles threaded with black and white coconuts. Once all the poles are retrieved, they need to unscramble the puzzle and make the white coconuts spell out a 4 digit number. Then a blindfolded bitch will try to open a box using said number. Teams are selected by random draw with one person sitting out. The Purple Team is Shambo, Kelly, Danger Dave, Rocket Boy, and Pocahantas. The Yellow Team is Pretty Boy Jaison, Christian Laura, Lucifer, Brett, and Buzzkill Mick. Natalie Dahmer has to sit out but chooses to support the Yellow Team because that's where all her Foa Foa bitches are.





Survivors ready. Go! Both teams race their little hearts out running back and forth with their poles. They pretty much stay neck in neck until my precious Shambo decides to slow it down a little during her second leg. Dimples Probst can't help but point out her lagging and I immediately fashioned a dart board with his face in the center. If you know what's good for you Jeff, you'll leave The Shambo alone. Both teams arrive at the decoding station and Danger Dave manages to figure out his team's number pretty quick. He calls the number out to Pocahantas, the bitch at the box, and she goes to work on cracking the code. Over on the Yellow Team things aren't going so well until Lucifer catches a break and manages to call out his number to Bible Bertha. It's a battle of the bitches at this point. Pocahantas v. Tammy Faye... and PURPLE TEAM WINS REWARD!





I was tickled pink. The reward was a trip to some natural rock slides with a lavish picnic on the beach. Thoughts of white bellied Shambo giggling and sliding down rocks danced in my head. I'm quite sure the angels sing whenever Shambo smiles. It's a theory I'm currently working on. OK so the Purple Team arrives at the rock slides and my first thought? Thank god this isn't The Amazing Race because Mika would be having a panic attack right about now. Anyhow, the tribes finds a scroll in their fruit basket and are told that a new Immunity Idol is in play. Wha... wha... what?!? Remind me never to question Lucifer again. I'm totally sacrificing a goat later on today in his honor. Danger Dave makes the decision that the Purple Team will go ahead and share this information with the Galu people on the Yellow Team. Kelly and Pocahantas pull Shambo aside and give her a stern warning not to tell anyone what the scroll said. They threaten to chop off her mullett and freeze her bra if she doesn't obey them. Shambo assures them she'll keep her mouth shut, but she also tells them that she doesn't want Lucifer to go home yet. She makes up some cockamamie story about how Lucifer sucks in challenges (he doesn't) and, as if it's even possible, I gained even more respect for Shambo.




Speaking of Lucifer, the lovable troll was back at camp saying, "I don't care about no damn reward. I'm here to win the game." Satan's only son has a mission and his mission is to find that damn Idol. Keep in my mind he's not aware that a 3rd Idol even exists. He's just going on intuition and the fiery embers in his soul. After chanting in ancient Enochian, he surmises that the Idol must be near a landmark. He searches the stone fire pit, a tree or two, and then is somehow drawn to a bridge. I don't know why I'm shocked. Under bridges are where trolls live after all (I know this from watching Dora The Explorer with my niece... "Swiper no swiping!"). He bends over the bridge, bulbous ass in the air, and mutters, "You've got to be kidding me." And we know... we all know what's coming... LUCIFER HAS FOUND THE THIRD IMMUNITY IDOL! Owls hooted, squirrels ran and hid in trees, and the deer that poop in my backyard took off for the forest. The change in the air was palpable. Lucifer is invincible. My no-no tickled, I might have very well drooled a little, and I promptly wrote LUCIFER across my stomach in red Shiseido lipstick. What? You didn't do the same thing?




All smiles and dipping my toes in glitter and gin, I think to myself, "This episode can't get any better." Then it happens... the Purple Team is back from their reward and the greatest meeting of the masterminds is about the commence. Satan's Mullet is chilling doing odd chores when Lucifer turns to Shambo. He reaches deep down into his pants and shows her all that is the magnificance of the 3rd Immunity Idol. Grab a tissue cuz you'll need it for this next part. Lucifer says to Shambo, "I can trust you more than anyone else out here." Cue waterworks. Best. Moment. Ever. I hugged myself, turned on my bedside cotton candy machine, and decided to decorate the outer edges of my televsion with rhinestones. Shambo, possibly moved as much as I was, smiles and points out how the Idol looks like a scythe that could decapitate Laura. It's a precious moment that made fairies flutter and ponies fly. She declares, "You lucky bastard." and then, obviously in an effort to torture me with too much goodness and light, she tells the home viewers, "Russ is the one guy in this game who I impeccably trust." *weeps uncontrollably*



Together Satan's Mullet decides to let Galu still try to get out Lucifer. He'll simply use the Idol to save himself. They'll inform the Foa Foa people to write down Laura (or as Shambo calls her "Medusa") and the bitch will not only be gone but blindsided. It's the perfect plan! Nothing can go wrong now!




It's Immunity Challenge time. Players have to use a grappling hook (that suspiciously looks like the Immunity Idol) to snare 2 bags of puzzle pieces. They have to drag the bags in and the first 3 people to get both their bags will proceed to the finals. Shambo, pumped up on Satan's Mullet love, nails her first bag before anyone else. Mick immediately hooks one followed by Brett and Kelly. With luck on his side, Mick hooks his second one with no problem sailing into the finals. Pretty Boy Jaison, Medusa, and Lucifer feel the pressure and manage to hook their first bags. Shambo, powered by mullet goodness, snares her second bag and secures the second spot in the finals. Only one spot left and the players are frantically trying to snare their bags. With evil on his side, Lucifer hooks his second bag! Only... so does Medusa. Uh oh... it's a race to see who can drag their bag back the fastest. Medusa glanced in Lucifer's direction, turned him to stone, and secures the third spot. Bitch!




OK so now we have Buzzkill Mick, Shambo, and Medusa. They have to untie their bags and pop the pieces into some weird puzzle wall making little shapes pop out. Shambo takes a commanding lead with Mick and Medusa struggling. Unfortunately, Shambo's lead is short lived and as this part of the episode made me kick my leprechaun, I'm going to skip ahead to the end... LAURA WINS IMMUNITY! *kicks leprechaun again* Fuckity fuck!




I'm now convinced that Medusa is ingesting some sort of magic potion or something. Bitch keeps winning immunity! I took the liberty of googling her and here's what I found out: Medusa is a gorgon which is a chthonic female monster. She has the ability to turn people to stone with just one look and, from what I can tell, the only way to kill her is to behead her like Perseus did. OK Satan's Mullet, use that information wisely and do with it what you will. Godspeed.


Back at camp, Shambo's heart is broken, but she pulls together quickly and comes up with a Plan B. She decides to get rid of Kelly and "cause a little dissension among the ranks. That's the plan of attack.". I love it when she talks military! Meanwhile, Medusa is on her side of the camp all smug and annoying talking about how Lucifer is about to go down. That's what you think you snake headed wench!



So Satan's Mullet wastes no time and gets to work. They inform the rest of the Foa Foa people that Lucifer has the Idol and they all need to write down Kelly tonight. Pretty Boy Jaison, finally seeing the light, declares about Lucifer, "I'm really beginning to love that guy!" You and me both Jaison. You and me both. It's imperative that all of Foa Foa keep their traps shut because if Galu catches wind of this, the whole plan is shot to hell (and not in a good "Lord Of The Underworld" way).



Over in Smug Country, Galu is planning to get rid of Lucifer when Pochantas brings up the possibility that Lucifer could very well already have the 3rd Idol. Danger Dave smacks her in the face with his ponytail and assures her that it's impossible. Dave insists they shouldn't worry about the Idol now, but Rocket Boy points out that Lucifer found it before without any clues so what's makes him think he can't do it again? For a millisecond they discuss the possibility of maybe writing Natalie Manson's name down instead. At this precise moment Lucifer walks by, hears the name Natalie on the wind, and wonders whether or not he should play the Idol. It was at this point that my youthful healthy heart began to pump maniacally. Lucifer is confused. He doesn't know what to do and it's worrisome. He tells us, "I don't want to be the dumb ass that gets voted out with the Idol in his pocket." At this point, I've chewed off all my nails and the anxiety is setting in. God, I love this show!



This brings us to the dramatic denouement, the Tribal Council we've all been waiting for. You can cut the tension with a knife. What will Lucifer do? Who will Galu decide to vote out? The build up is excruciating. The only thing that can ease the pain is a buffoon... enter Erik. *rolls eyes* The King Of The STD's marches in and takes his place in the Jury. He's supposed to sit there stone faced and not react, but to a bartender rules are meant to be broken I guess. Anyhow, Dimples asks Dave how the tribe has changed since Erik left and I've got to hand it to Dave at this moment. He hysterically replies that that Erik was the evil presence weakening Galu and now that he's gone, things are looking up. Erik, stomping his feet, punches the air and looks decidedly douchey.



Jeffy Pooh turns his attention to Natalie and asks Son Of Sam how Galu is treating Foa Foa. She mumbles some nonsense about it all being a love fest and Jeff just gives her the hand in response. If there's one thing Jeff hates, it's bullshitting in Tribal Council. He has zero patience for it. Pretty Boy Jaison makes a very different comment about Galu. He thinks they may have another Erik lurking within them that needs to be sniffed out. At this point I'm quite sure Erik was over on the jury bench sharpening a rock with his teeth. They finish up the suspense with Dave declaring that he'll vote out someone who's physically, mentally, and strategically strong. Gah! Who is he talking about? Lucifer or Natalie? I need to know!



Begin heart attack inducing drum music. Seriously, how unnerving are those drums when the bitches are voting? My heart leaps into my throat and pulsates over and over again. It makes me crazy... and euphoric at the same time. All at once I'm torn between sheer panic and blissfull suspense. Have I mentioned how much I love this damn show?



The drums finally mellow out and Jeff announces that if anyone has the Immunity Idol they should play it now or forever hold their peace. *thump, thump, thump* Lucifer stands... oh holy night! Jeff looks it over and says it's the real deal. Suck on that Galu! Now he'll read the votes. *Please don't let Lucifer have used it in vain... please don't let Lucifer have wasted another Idol.* After what seems like an eternity, Jeff reads the first vote. Wait for it... LUCIFER *Yes!* The second vote? Lucifer! The third... Lucifer. By the time Jeff reads the 6th Lucifer vote, Mick has his hand covering his mouth trying hard not to giggle. At home, I'm dying. I'm fist pumping, laughing, tears streaming down my face, molesting my leprechaun. At vote #8 Jeff reads, Kelly. Lucifer has the hugest shit eating grin on his face as Kelly slowly realizes her number is up. I'll own up to it. I liked Kelly in the very beginning. She had that alternative tough gal vibe I like, but she lost me midway when she turned on Shambo and became uber tight with Medusa. That sort of behavior just can't be forgiven.





The 8th person voted out of Survivor Samoa and the 2nd member of the Jury is KELLY. Sorry babe. Someone not a part of Satan's Mullet had to go and that someone is you. So what did you guys think last night? Were you on the verge of cardiac arrest too? Are you loving Satan's Mullet? Do you think someone from Galu could defect and join Foa Foa? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!




Here is this week's installment of Life At Ponderosa. This will be a new weekly blog feature. (Thanks Becky!)

If Kelly hooks up with Erik I'm gonna hate her forever.




Please to enjoy:




16 comments:

  1. BRILLIANT! Reading this blog took me right back to last night.. sitting on the edge of my chair waiting to see what would happen next!

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  2. BRILLIANT! Once again! Reading this today brought me right back to last night sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to see what would happen next! THANKS!

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  3. Allen

    I loved it when the old Gal-eww was standing around discussing the possibility of Russell coming up with another immunity idol and Rocketboy thinks he might and says "It isn't rocket science!".

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  4. It always galls me to hear them say "he/she doesn't deserve this as much as me" Every single reality show, there are the bitter contestants who utter that phrase. Don't they realize how egotistical that sounds? Everyone who gets sent to Ponderosa seems to say it at one point. Annoying!

    How douchey is Erik in those videos? LOL! I really hope Kelly isn't blinded by loneliness. She could get some crazy STD!! lol!

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  5. Reading your blog took me right back to the heart pounding, bladder busting, hot flashing Tribal Council!!(Wait, that might just be menopause) Anyway, Miss Lala, I have a confession. I have a serious girl crush on my Shambo! I thought that she never looked more stunning than she did last night, sitting there with her mullet shimmering in the fire light....ah... This is a woman who has probably never been told that she is beautiful, and I want the world to know!
    But back to the game. How 'bout that Natalie! She made a southern girl proud! I was waiting for her to throw herself on the ground and proclaim, "With God as my witness, I will never be hungry again!". Of course, that would have probably perked up the pointy ears of Bible Betty, and who wants to deal with that bitch? It is me, or she getting more unattractive as the game goes on? She has that "Dammit, I think I put my tampon in sideways" look on her face all the time! Ugliness and judgement just ooze from her pores! Seeing the look on her face when Russell pulled the idol out of his undies was one of the BEST moments of the entire season! Gotcha bitch!! Second best moment?...Kelly! I never liked her, and let's face it, that hair is really unforgivable. Hopefully they have a beauty shop at the Ponderosa. Really.
    Finally, let's all group hug my little pocket troll. Love, love, love him!!! He is destined to go down in Survivor history! Satan's Mullet might not make it to the Final 2, but they are in jaded heart forever!!
    Thanks Lala for the AWESOME blog!!!!!

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  6. I love, love, love your blog! It makes me laugh out loud every week, so thanks for that!
    This is the first season I have watched Survivor, and it is because of this blog which I found through reading your Big Brother blog.

    Let's not forget that Probst said the idol would be hidden again...I thought he might as well just have handed it to Russell.
    Shambo might as well join Foa Foa. They are her only real hope of staying in the game. As evil as Russell is, I really hope he doesn't do something nasty to her.

    Once again, thanks for doing this each week! You rock!

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  7. This was the best episode ever! I always Tivo Survivor (I hate commercials) and it took everything I had not to skip to the end. I would have missed everything. Go Shambo! Go Russell! I couldn't wait to see what you had to say today. I knew it would be great and you did not disappoint. Thank you!

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  8. My mom actually said she wouldn't mind if Russell wins because, "He has the prettiest eyes."

    "HELLO! . . . it's called glamouring you mother. Haven't you ever seen True Blood?"

    " True Blood? What's glamouring?"

    " It's a gift from the bowels of hell. Evil, crafty, sinister or talentless people are born with it. It enables them to impose their will on others.
    For example . . . uh, let's see, . . .
    Elizabeth Hasslebeck, that Survivor chick on the view."

    " Elizabeth Hasslebeck! Oh, I just love her. She's so smart and witty!"

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  9. Sore Throat, you almost made me spit out my drink and it would have been a shame to have lost any of my precious gin!

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  10. I can't wait till next week when everybody from the Purple Tribe is following Lucifer around trying to get the hidden immunity idol before he does! It looks amazingly awesome.

    In all honesty, I'm rooting for the Dumb A** B**** Alliance to hold strong. I think Natalie rocks it out. She is the whole reason Eric was voted out last week as she brought the evil ladies over to her side for the moment! Plus, I have to love a fellow southern belle who is willing to kill something for the littlest tiniest bit of meat ever.

    Also, notice how Dave wanted to wait till they voted out the Yellow Tribe before killing a chicken? Only wanted to feed the Purple.

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  11. I have become a worshiper of Lucifer. The first episode I hated that little twit with his dumb ass girl alliances. I wanted to see his sweaty little butt get kicked. But now I love him so much. He is a huge reason this season has made me fall back in love with Survivor. I was losing interest but decided to watch so that I could read your blog. I needed something to occupy my time without BB. Russell's sheer genius and tenacity has made it a must see for me. Last night I was on the edge of my seat all night - groaning, shouting at the TV, pumping my fist in the air. I bit off nails watching tribal council. I LOVED watching those assholes get Russelled once again. The very perfect cherry on top of another awesome show was when that sanctimonious bitch Laura said "He just stirred up a whole lotta hell is what he did." And most perfect Shambo looked at her and nodded. When you could see that inside she just wanted to dance and sing and give Lucifer another sloppy kiss! The look on Shambo's face through all of tribal council was too priceless.

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  12. Since I'm "Home alone", I thoroughly enjoyed clapping loudly-and hooting- as Russell once again blindsided those arrongant Galus! If my dear little pup was still with me, he would have been startled by my celebration-and flipped over!!! What pure entertainment...I love a good blindside.

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  13. I thought the exact same thing when the team went to the rock water slides..."oh man, if this was the amazing race, Mika would be crapping her bathing suit!"

    Best episode of Survivor this season and I can't wait till next week for the immunity idol hunt. Go Russell, Shambo and Natalie!! :-)

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  14. I'm thinking (hoping) we might be headed for a Satan's Mullet finale... oh what joy it would bring to see the jury debating between the two of them for votes!!

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  15. Awesome episode this week! Wow! Tribal was A-MAZ-ING!!! I loved the look on Dave and Medusa's face! Priceless!

    Did anybody else think that Russell threw the challenge? I know he could have still won in the second part, but had he won, his master plan would not have played out so beautifully!!

    Thanks for the blog!!

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  16. You had me on edge all weekend as I followed your tweets during the show and you even told me that I was going to love it but how could I know that it was truly an all star classic 19 season epsiode.

    Now correct me if I am wrong, my wife & kids do constantly, but a real immunity idol has never been played early in the game so they always seem to die in an overconfident pocket. I do seem to remember back in my cloudy memory that that The Probst had once declared from high atop Mount Burnett that once an idol is played, it is returned to the game (a statement he confirmed in the end). He will now get the hat trik of idols - he has to - the samoan gods have to have willed it.

    As for the Shambolicious one, she is now free to jump ship & officially declare for the Foa Foa alliance and the game is back to 5 on 5. Will the rocket scientist actually be smart enough to see the writing on the palm fronds and jump ship with her ?

    and now let's talk about the rat killer - obviously that rat was seduced by Natalie's teeny bikini and her righteous implants because why else ould it not run at the sight of 2 cameramen & the Belle of the South ? I thought maybe I had stumbled onto Man vs Wild where Bear Grylls never faces any "Real" danger.

    I am on a flight oming back into NJ on Thursday - it better not be late.....

    as always - i bow to your most excellent bitchiness - until next week.....

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