Pain. It's a word I've come to know well this past week. Why, I've become so close with pain I cuddle up with it and sing it lullabies every night. I shower it with powdered Vicodin and, if I'm really lucky, I'll even serve it up an Oxycontin smoothie. You see, my wisdom teeth are trying to make their appearance in the world and they're putting me through hell while they do it. They're like tiny little aliens with Freddy Krueger hands clawing their way through my gums. I'm getting them out next week, but until then they make me wince, scream, punch things, set high school gyms on fire, and, yes, even occasionally cry. Something else has given me the very same reaction.... last night's episode of Survivor. Let's recap, shall we?
The night begins with a coo... a purring if you will. The Mulletted Goddess has loosened her mane of curls and some dude with ginormous nipples is massaging her massive noggin. His name is unimportant. Her name, however, is Shambo. Shambo, the fiesty brute with a heart of gold we've all come to know and love these past 3 months. Shambo, the millitary bad ass who speaks Chicken and rides a Harley. Shambo, maybe not the smartest player, but without a doubt the most adored. Who knew her murmurs and moans were about to foreshadow evil? Who, I ask, could have known that such a peaceful opening could end in such a vile way? WHO?!? *pops another vicodin and sighs* My endless questions and dental suffering were interrupted by the Lord Of The Underworld himself, Lucifer. While Shambo was busy rolling her eyes back into her head, Lucifer was off in another corner telling us that Useless Brett (nee Nipples McGee) has to go next. Nipples winning Immunity is screwing up everyone's plans and Bitch Boy has to go ASAP.
As if his moronic t-shirts and freaky nipples weren't a good enough reason to expel Brett from the jungle, the next segment opens with him spouting out Bible quotes. Ephesians 3:16-19 to be exact. It had something to do with Christ and a heart and a dwelling. I can't be sure, but I think it implied that Christ would break into your dwelling and eat your heart for breakfast. Yeah, that sounds about right. So yeah Nipples McGee is lying in the shelter talking all religious while Natalie listens wide eyed nodding in approval. It turns out she's an Amy Grant listening, Jesus fish on car having, peace be with you spreading Jesus freak. Oh say it isn't so! She was actually growing on me. I liked her spunkiness, her ferocity in challenges, her willingness to kill small woodland creatures, but this new Christian development isn't sitting well with me at all. There are some things in life you're just better off not knowing... like what childbirth feels like or what Carrot Top looks like naked.
Meanwhile over in the sane wing of the camp, Shambo is talking to Lucifer about her luscious locks. Her curls have taken on a life of their own and they're pointing every which way smiling brightly at the universe. Shambo giggles at her own hair and jokes about needing a haircut while Lucifer observes looking slyly out of the corner of his eye. He runs to a free camera and declares, "She should shave that whole head. Mullet went out in the 70's. It looks terrible!" Actually Lucifer, it was the 80's, but Shambo is timeless. She's exempt. Like a classic Valentino suit, Shambo never goes out of style. Lucifer then goes on to accuse Shambo of hiding food in her hair. He claims there's an entire banana tree lurking in there. As funny as that is, it was at that moment that I knew... deep down in my bowels I knew that this night wouldn't end well for my princess. Lucifer was all too ready to insult The Shambo. He calls her disgusting and proclaims he's "tired of looking at that bush of hair". *pause for giggles* Meanwhile Lucifer's walking around with a pot belly and missing or black tooth. You're no looker yourself buddy. *refills canteens with holy water*
This brings us to the Reward Challenge or what I like to call Massive Jenga. The tribe will be divided up into 2 teams. Each team will take turns removing a rope from a series of ropes holding up a bunch of coconuts. The first team to release 100 coconuts loses. The prize is a massive feast at a local village and an overnight stay on a mattress with blankets and pillows. Natalie and Lucifer won the stone choose so they were the captains. Natalie (Purple Team) chose Brett and Mick while Lucifer (Yellow Team) chose Jaison and Shambo. Jeff Dimples Probst was uber douchetastic and immediately started in on Shambo and her hair. Seriously, I think Dimples actually likes making fun of Shambo. The best part though is Shambo is never phased by it. She gives it back to Probst much quicker and funnier than he serves it up.
(The picture sucks but it was the only one I could find. It's hard to tell, but that's Jeff Probst with a mullet in red spandex. Kelly Ripa uses it frequently whenever he cohosts.)
Shambo approaches the Jenga structure focused and ready. She crouches down to study the coconuts when out of nowhere Dimples asks, "What do you call that hair Shambo?" Dude, she's trying to concentrate! Shambo, my hero, not missing a beat counters back, "Shambolicious, baby." Dimples pulls up a table pours some chamomile tea for himself and asks, "How long have you had it?" Shambo still focused on the coconuts replies, "Since 1986". Dimples strikes a match on the bottom of his shoe, lights up a cigar, looks up to the sky and ponders, "For 23 years... you know 23 years ago I had a mullet too only mine was curlier and I wore red spandex...". His voice trails off in the distance as he mentions something about "commitment". Shambo, carefully selecting her rope replies, "You don't mess with perfection, baby." She releases her rope and 4 coconuts drop. Shambo is pleased. She chants, "Feels good, looks good, aha, ooh ra, love it, love it, love it." *jots that down for the new tattoo I'm getting across my back*
The challenge continues and it's relatively boring save for the interesting new development over on the Purple Team. Natalie is whispering to Nipples McGee something about being a "prayer warrior". Lucifer hears the word "prayer" on the wind and his head immediately spins around. He turns to Shambo and tells her that they need to break up Natalie and Nipples. Shambo nods in agreement and the game continues. Jaison goes and drops 48 coconuts. It's not looking good at all for the Yellow Team until it's Natalie's turn. Natalie thinks she's got God on her side, but Shambo knows better. Shambo predicts out loud that Natalie will drop 58 coconuts. Lucifer drops the number 58 into his magical bubbly cauldron and wouldn't you know it? Exactly 58 fucking coconuts fell. Natalie kept clutching her pearls and shouting, "Oh my word! Oh my word!" while Shambo and Lucifer just sat back and enjoyed a couple cigarettes and some Brandy. In the end, the Jesus freaks were no match and YELLOW WINS REWARD!
Lucifer, Shambo, and Jaison arrive at the reward destination and Jaison is sneering and mumbling something about never winning rewards. He thinks rewards don't matter since he's never won before and then he goes off into one of his parallel universes. Seriously, I have no idea what he's talking about half the time. Shambo spots a suckling pig roasting on the beach and she immediately dives in and rips off a giant hunk of it's skin declaring, "I love it!" Lucifer scampers over to where the shellfish are and digs his chubby little fingers into one lobster tail after another. Jaison just stands there confused and after much reconsideration he finally declares that rewards are "amazing". Mealtime finishes and the only thing left to do is DANCE! Jaison announces he's about to "get jiggy with it", Shambo dons a crown of flowers and a straw skirt, Lucifer unbuttons his shirt revealing a necklace of bones, and they all start swaying to the music. It was magic. The sun setting in the distance, Satan's Mullet shaking their rumps, Jaison off somewhere butchering the Watusi to death. Earlier with grease dripping down their faces, coconut milk dribbling off their chins, they had agreed... they had made a pact to go to the Final Three together. They sealed the deal in blood. Shambo promised her first born to the Samoan chief residing. It was a done deal! *swallows a fist full of pain pills*
Meanwhile back at Bible Camp, Natalie, Nipples, and Buzzkill are all bonding. Nipples is under some misconception that since Lucifer is away from camp, he's now the leader. Hold up! For about 12 episodes we hear literally nothing out of his stupid crooked mouth and now he's Captain Of The Universe? Uh uh *shakes head* not under my watch. Nipples, shut your trap and go back to your corner. Seriously, who are you and why are you here? You were obviously an afterthought to the producers which means you're also an afterthought to me. Let's check back in on some people who actually matter.
It's now bedtime at the Reward Challenge and Shambo is all giggly and excited to be laying her curls on a pillow. She tries to joke and tease with Jaison, but she's blissfully unaware that he's the most boring person on the planet. She shrugs, curses maturity, and gives Jaison a wet willy. At least that's what I think happened. Lucifer breaks up their playing by mentioning Natalie and her new buddy Nipples. He tells Shambo and Jaison that he knows for a fact that Natalie hasn't switched sides. Shambo and Jaison aren't so ready to believe him and Lucifer is just fine with that. He'll let them be suspicious of Natalie. It does him no harm. In fact, it keeps the focus off of him and on someone else and he's fine with that. His mission is to get rid of Nipples or Mick (or so he says). Those boys are nice and well liked. Lucifer doesn't have a mullet's chance in hell of winning against them in a vote. It behooves him to get them out of the game pronto.
Back at Aiga, Natalie is actually echoing Lucifer's sentiments precisely. She may be friends with Nipples, but she made a pact with Lucifer and long time ago and she plans on honoring that pact. She says, "Two brains are better than one." I immediately wondered to myself if she had a brain then why does she call herself a prayer warrior, but that's neither here nor there. Lucifer goes on to call Nipples a little punk who's no threat to him in challenges. He's only dangerous when it comes to the final vote. According to Lucifer, Nipples stands between him and the million dollars.
This brings us to the Immunity Challenge. Survivors have to race out to a field and count the number of various items (octopus, fish, rocks, birds, pigs etc). They have to use the numbers they count to unlock a combination lock and break a tile. Survivors ready, go! Lucifer and Buzzkill Mick go barrelling to the front of the line. They're hastily counting things as quick as they can. Nipples and Jaison are going a little bit slower with Natalie and Shambo bringing up the rear. Lucifer and Buzzkill waste no time racing back with some numbers while Jaison starts to yell at the pigs to stay still. Nipples stays in his own little nippelicious world the whole time and isn't deterred by the fact that Lucifer and Buzzkill get all their numbers before he does. Jaison, not wanting to be left out, starts inventing numbers I think just so he could start guessing. He guesses wrong (of course), Mick guesses wrong, and Lucifer guesses wrong, I suppose you can guess what happens next... BRETT WINS IMMUNITY! *dumps a handful of vicodin into a blender*
That. Wasn't. Supposed. To. Happen. Jaison sighs and grimaces and, for some insane reason, begins to wonder if it wouldn't be better if they got rid of Shambo instead of Mick. Hell to the no. I vote they get rid of YOU, Jaison. YOU! YOU who have complained incessantly about how uncomfortable and hungry you are. YOU who vacillates repeatedly between various planes of existence. YOU who changes your mind depending on where the wind blows. YOU who would make the World's Worst Lawyer. Seriously, have you ever won an argument in your whole entire life? I guess you were born with a backbone because I see you walking around and functioning and stuff, but I move that you're a mystery to medical science. I move that you do not have a spine at all. There is no reason in the world to get rid of Shambo. That jury HATES her. She doesn't win challenges and she probably keeps you in enough fire wood to stop you from bitching. Seriously dude, what are you thinking?
The same above paragraph can be applied to Lucifer too. When Jaison finally approaches Lucifer and tells him they should get rid of Shambo, Lucifer is initially quiet and doesn't respond. He even outlines for the home viewing audience three excellent reasons why he should keep Shambo over Mick, but I'm getting ahead of myself. My pills haven't kicked in yet and I'm getting a little angry over here. Bear with me. *stops to paint a pretty rainbow* Ok... oh... yeah... there it is... it's kicked in. *waves of calmness envelope me* Alright, where was I? How crazy was MTV last night for editing out that punch on Jersey Shore? Oh wait... that's not right, is it? Snooki isn't in Samoa, is she?
OK so Jaison tells Lucifer to get rid of Shambo just as Shambo approaches. Jaison sees her, tucks his tail between his legs, and scampers off into the distance. Shambo, naturally puzzled by Jaison's reaction, asks Lucifer what crawled up Jaison's ass just then. Lucifer lies (badly) and says that Jaison was just saying how Buzzkill should go home. Shambo may be innocent and fairy like, but she's learned a few things these past few weeks. 15 days ago she would have believed Lucifer no questions asked, but she's wiser now. She knows something stinks in suburbia and she wants to get to the bottom of it. Lucifer just keeps saying how Mick is going home next. He's trying to glamour her into believing him, but it's not really working.
As soon as Shambo leaves, Lucifer skips over to Mick and begins going off about how annoying he finds Shambo to be. *clenches fists* He gets very rude and very ugly and proceeds to criticize her breath. First off, no one there has a toothbrush, food is scarce, and an empty stomach doesn't do anybody's breath any favors. Furthermore, Dimples hoards all the tic-tacs. I'm quite sure if Lucifer breathed in my direction my eyelashes would sizzle off. Whether that was from the stench or from the hellfires burning in his bowels I do not know, but they'd sizzle off and that's all that matters right now. Mick, bless his heart, just stands there stunned. He can't believe what he's hearing. One could interpret this in a number of ways. I choose to interpret it as Mick being stunned simply because Shambo's breath actually smells like roses and cotton candy while Lucifer's smells like week old mackeral and toe jam. Mick is silent and stunned because the hypocrisy of Lucifer has rendered him speechless. Does that sound like a good reason to you? Good. I thought so. Works for me too.
(googling this photo seriously brought me to tears)
Lucifer, whom I'm now thinking is the Archangel of Wisdom Teeth, keeps going on and on about how it's high time they get rid of Shambo and how he can't stand her blah blah blah. *punches a kitten* He tells Mick, "One day without her would be heaven." Umm no Lucifer. Heaven exists because of Shambo not in spite of her. Mick doesn't say a word in response. Instead he runs to a camera and announces how he's now suspicious of Lucifer. Mick knows Shambo brings nothing but love and light to the world. He knows because of her popcorn sometimes falls from the sky and ponies occasionally fly. Also he knows that Shambo isn't really a threat. I mean, come on, let's get real here. Shambo probably would not win if she made it to the Final 2. She's lovely and we're all members of her fan club, but I've really had no allusions (or even illusions) that she might really win this thing.
Even Lucifer knows she's not a real threat. He tells us flat out that Shambo would never vote him out, she'd never win a challenge, and she'd never win over the jury. It sounded good when I heard him say these things, but I kind of knew better. The devil is a trickster. Believing him is the worst thing someone can do in life. Just when you think you know his next move, he goes another way and this brings us to Tribal Council.
Dimples brings in the jury and my first thought, "I didn't know Survivor had a plastic surgeon on staff." Did you see Pochanatas' boobs? Where the hell did they come from? She's flat chested, but she was pushing a D cup last night. I have a theory... Dave gave her some of his hair to stuff in her bra. That's the only explanation I can think of. OK so Shambo is pretty forthright and owns up to the fact that she's been a traitor to Galu. I think Laura chewed her face off over in the jury box when she heard that answer. God, that bitch is so smug. Dimples likes what Shambo is saying and points out that she's pretty much pissed off everyone in the jury and it might be advantageous to keep her around. Lucifer put his fingers in his ears and started humming a Black Sabbath song at that moment I think. Dimples interrupts him and asks him about Shambo. Lucifer responds that he trusts her like he trusts his own tribe. Ha! That means shit! Lucifer NEVER trusted his tribe. The only person he trusts anymore is Natalie. He's so full of it.
Lucifer goes on to talk about how this phase in the game is about taking out who you can't win against. And then the most moronic thing happens. Jaison, in front of EVERYONE, talks about how Nipples winning Immunity ruined everyone's plans. He said how Nipples is now the biggest threat yadda yadda yadda. Did anyone else but me think to themselves, "Shut up you moron!"? Seriously, boy needs to think before he speaks sometimes. Lucifer even looked a little annoyed at what Jaison was saying. Dimples then asks Lucifer how he felt about tonight's vote. Lucifer put on his puppy dog face and said that tonight will be the most difficult vote of all because sometimes you have to vote out people you actually like. Bullshit! A) The vote wasn't difficult B) He just went off back at camp for about 5 minutes about just how much he dislikes Shambo. Don't bullshit a bullshitter Lucifer. You'll always get caught and I'll always call you on it.
No need to draw out this vote. We all know what happens. It is with a heavy heart and great regret that I must say that the 13th person voted out of Survivor Samoa is the one, the only Shambo. She was the mullet that brought us joy. She made us laugh. She made us love. She made us rethink Loverboy headbands circa 1986. She was truly a pleasure to watch and my girl went out with class. She appreciated her time in the game, she wished everyone well, and she gave a shout out to all of the military families of the world. You're a class act my dear and I've really enjoyed watching you and writing about you this season. Thank you for being you. I wish you nothing but the best in life and if we ever meet, can I stroke your curls just once? Pretty please?
I leave you with a holiday gift...
OK so who do you guys think will actually win this thing? Who do you want to win? I think I'd like to see Lucifer win. Sure, he pissed me off this week, but he has played the best hands down. I have a horrible feeling though that it'll come to something boring like a Natalie/Mick final 2 or something. In that case, it's a tough call. All in all, I just really don't want Jaison or Brett to win. That would be the ultimate travesty. Comment it out bitches and have a great day! My next blog will be posted Monday afternoon where I'll recap the final episode and the finale.
Please to enjoy Life At Ponderosa: The Shambo episodes: