Saturday, August 29, 2009

Betsy - The Hippy Cop


Today we meet 48 year old Betsy Bolan from New Hampshire. Betsy is a bad ass police officer and a former addict. She's been clean and sober for over 20 years and now she just kicks assailants in the head to get her high. She's a former hippy so I'm going to guess that she loved to drink, smoke weed, and ride the wave that is LSD. Betsy probably followed the Dead around and sold handmade jewelry out of the back of her van. She fantasized about living on a commune somewhere in New England weaving fabric, growing her armpit hair, and tending to a tomato garden. Love interfered, law enforcement came calling, and she made some babies. No more toots off her bong.

She has an annoying accent but I have a feeling she won't take crap from anyone. This mom of 4 can smell bullshit (or the sweet scent of marijuana) from a mile away and I'm thinking she has no problem going toe to toe with an evil male. In the beginning all the men will assume she's weak and physically nonthreatening, but I'm hoping Betsy's tough exterior and years on the mean streets of New Hampshire can show those young smartass pretty boys a thing or two.

Betsy's story isn't all drugs and handcuffs. Her husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 prostate cancer and he doesn't have health insurance. Yikes. That sucks. BUT, like I say in BB, someone's personal story is not a reason for them to win. Were she to make it to the Finals her story could come in handy and tug on some heart strings, but like every other 40 something female contestant before her, I'm not expecting her to last that long. She may make it to the merge, but after that I'm thinking she's history. Keep in mind, I'm never right in my predictions so just read what I say and expect the opposite.

She's tough and sassy and I can't really pick on her yet. I liked her from the get go and I hope she impresses me. If she's physically weak, she'll be outta there before you can say, "You have the right to remain silent..."

UPDATE:

That accent is gonna drive me nuts.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Ben - The Backwoods Bartender


Today we meet Ben Browning. Ben is 28 and calls himself a "mixologist". Basically, he's a bartender who thinks he's too cool to call himself a bartender (yes, Memphis from BB10 calso alled himself a mixologist). Per CBS, "Ben is often seen with a girl on each arm and boldly claims he’s never been rejected.“I’m one of those people that just get lucky for some reason, if I want it, I do what I have to do to get it.”" Oh Ben... you almost make it too easy for me. First off, you're not cute and the sideways smirk is just obnoxious. Giving girls free Alabama Slammer's does not make you a ladies man. I'll bet you have a tip jar filled with books of matches all with your phone number on them. You slyly slip them to the drunken sorority girls planning on having their first bisexual experience that night with their best girlfriend named Ronna and fancy yourself to be a really hot player. Ben, my love, you're a bartender. You're not a catch.

CBS goes on to describe this douchebag thusly, "Ben has worked hard for all he has in life and says “I don’t like cry babies, I like people who work their asses off, like people from where I’m from.” He is also quick to admit that the one thing he can’t stand is “whiners and wimps.” " Oh please. All he has in life is a studio apt. in a 5 story walk up riddled with tip jar after tip jar filled with tainted books of matches. Get over yourself Benny. As far as hating whiners and wimps... ok I can get onboard with that. I hate them too. Please Ben make fun of all the little people and maybe we can talk again about having a friendship. And no, I will not sleep with you.

Ben likes to ride his motorcycle even though he crashed it in 2007. Oh so he's not very bright either? OK I think I'm grasping what it is that makes Ben tick. He's part of a motorocycle group that calls themselves the WhiskyBoys. After a hard day at the Honky Tonk making Screaming Orgasms for underage Spring Breakers, Ben likes to unwind with his hairy motorcycle friends and tell tall tales of the road. They dream of heading to Sturgis one day... an old lady riding bitch, the wind in their hair, bugs in their teeth... they stay up until the wee early morning talking about all the cool tattoos they're gonna get.

Ben says he's just "a big hillbilly who will be rich someday". OK erase everything I just said. He's really got self help books hidden behind the bar and he sleeps with young rich women looking for a careless evening. He makes up rhymes in his spare time and impresses all the ladies by throwing bottles of Ketel One in the air. I hated it when Tom Cruise did it and I hate it when you do it Ben. Unfortunately, I'm predicting Ben will go far and will try to woo all the ladies along the way. He could be entertaining if he's a floundering lothario. By no means, do I want him to win. I base this only on the 3 paragraphs I've read about him, but he could be funny to watch. He's arrogant and arrogance always plays well in Survivor. Godspeed Ben!



UPDATE:

I don't like the way he says "pansies". It sounded malicious.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Ashley - Glorified Avon Lady


OK bitches. Let's take a deeper look into what makes the Survivor cast members tick. Big Brother is down for a while and I've got some time to kill so why not? Over the next few days, I'll highlight a few more cast members and get us all familiar with just how wretched they'll all be.

First up is Ashley. Ashley Trainer is a 22 year old Spa Sales woman who lives in the land of a thousand lakes, Minnesota. CBS describes her job as "a very competitive commission based sales job where she can sell almost anything." OK so basically she either sells Avon door to door and has to deal with nasty house fraus slamming the door in her face or she works the convention circuit trying to sell hot tubs to bearded men with too much time on their hands. Either way I'm sure she's an over achiever and puts her shoes in ziploc baggies when she's on the road. She probably smells like a mix of vanilla and chlorine. Nice!

Ashley is a go-getter. No task is too small and no obstacle is too large. Sounds like an annoying Ms. Fix-It to me. Per CBS, "She describes her perfect day as sleeping in followed by working out and shopping, then ending her day with a nice dinner and a movie." This is her perfect day? Ashley needs to team up with Jordan over at BB and go bowling. A perfect day is walking along the Seine your first night in Paris high on life and Gauloises, partying in Florence staying up all night drinking wine in front of the Duomo, smoking hash on the wall of the papal palace in Avignon with a sexy French Canadian musician, tongue kissing long haired sex bombs in Helsinki, getting lost in the Austrian Alps and running naked down a hill screaming that you're Heidi (you know, from the children's story)... I mean, I'm just saying. Those are days that stand out in my mind NOT sleeping in and going shopping! Someone tell this bitch to get a clue.

Ashley wants to buy a house if she wins Survivor and plans to flirt her way into the men's hearts. She's a former competitive cheerleader and she'll toe touch her way through the challenges. I could make fun of her for the cheerleading thing, but I actually did a stint as a competitive cheerleader back when I was wholesome and uncorrupted. I know it's very difficult and takes focus so I won't rag on her for that, but I will rag on her for something else. HAHA! Ashley says she'll miss her pillow while she's in Samoa. Her pillow? Her fucking pillow people. OK I'm done with Ashley now. I don't like her. She won't win.

UPDATE:

Survivor Samoa Cast Revealed!

Very exciting day Survivor fans... we've got our cast! This time around it's 20 new tribe members. 20! Damn, that's a lot of names to learn. CBS has officially released the following statement:


19th Installment of the Hit Television Series Premieres on Thursday, Sept. 17th

CBS announced today the 20 castaways who will compete on SURVIVOR: SAMOA, when the 19th installment of the Emmy Award-winning series premieres Thursday, Sept. 17 (8:00-9:00 PM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network.

In one of the most beautiful Survivor locations yet, 20 castaways will be left to fend for themselves among Samoa's white sand beaches, lush green valleys and towering waterfalls. Despite the picturesque landscape, the castaways will face exposure to elements and wildlife living in the mysterious rainforests that cover rugged volcanic mountain peaks. For 39 days, they will endeavor to outwit, outplay and outlast one another in order to win the title of Sole Survivor.

Surrounded by coconut palms in a land steeped in tradition, the Samoans who inhabit this island have a proud history and strong sense of community that has enabled their own survival. From the start of the game, Survivor embraces this Samoan culture by incorporating an ancient tradition of electing an individual leader of the village. Without speaking, both tribes must immediately choose one member of their group to become their sole decision maker, their chief. How important will the role of tribal chief be in determining the fate of each tribe?


The castaways are:

David Ball, 38, fitness instructor
Besty Bolan, 48, police officer
Mike Borassi, 62, private chef
Ben Browning, 28, mixologist
Marisa Calihan, 26, student
Erik Cardona, 28, bartender
Brett Clouser, 23, t-shirt designer
John Fincher, 25, rocket scientist
Yasmin Giles, 33, hairstylist
Russell Hantz, 36, oil company owner
Elizabeth Kim, 33, urban planner
Laura Morett, 39, office manager
Monica Padilla, 25, law student
Jaison Robinson, 28, law student
Kelly Sharbaugh, 25, hairstylist
Russell Swan, 42, attorney
Ashley Trainer, 22, spa sales
Mick Trimming, 33, doctor
Shannon Waters, 45, sales rep
Natalie White, 26, pharmaceutical sales

Check out this new video just released introducing the cast:



Let the bitchiness commence! My first impressions are notoriously ALWAYS wrong, but let's do them anyways.

Elizabeth... bleh, cute, whatever.

Erik... Tool. Now go make me a margarita.

Russell... LOVE that he immediately makes fun of Dave. A man after my own heart.

Dave... totally trying to be Coach. Douchebag, shall we say?

Betsy... I kind of like her. She could be a little bad ass. The accent annoys the shit out of me, but I'll keep my eye on her.

John... pretty boy. I hate you already.

Shannon... bless your mulleted heart! You're gonna be a ton of laughs. I can already tell.

Russell... seriously? We have another bald meat head named Russell? You've got to be shitting me!

Mike... The Ragamuffin's dad on an off day. Thinks he's a bad ass, but he's probably a pussy.

Ashley... I can tell already. You will annoy me.

Laura... another stuck up brunette thinking she's all that and telling everyone how smart she is.

Ben... I can see him being America's favorite. The next J.P.

Yasmin... Sassy Yasy! I like you so far. Now don't piss me off.

Brett... young kid thinking he's smarter than he is. You suck.

Monica... so-so looking chick thinking she's hot shit. I hate you.

Kelly... I love you! You're too cute for words. Eccentric and cool. Please don't disappoint me!

Jaison... arrogant tight ass.

Natalie... country bumpkin, stupid, annoying. Can't wait to see her bitch about being dirty and getting bitten by bugs.

Mick... America will like him too. Too bad everyone will turn against him early on.

Marisa... I'm on the fence with her. I could really like her or I could really hate her. Love that she'll flirt with the chicks.

What do you guys think? Pick one you person you like immediately and tell me who it is in the comments. Just one! I pick Kelly.


Survivor Samoa premieres Thursday, September 17 at 8 p.m. EST.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Popping The Bitchy Survivor Cherry

Greetings Survivor Fans!

This is the location of the upcoming Bitchy Survivor Blog so start following here now if you're a Survivor Fan. I'll send out tweets when new posts are made just like I'm doing for Big Brother. I'm still gathering info and getting all my ads organized so it looks a little empty here right now, but I wanted to alert you guys early since Survivor is less than a month away.

Over the next few weeks this site will grow by leaps and bounds. If you have a blog and want me to list it here on my bloglist, I'll be more than happy to - provided you add me to yours as well. Shoot me an email and we'll talk.

For now enjoy the kick ass preview of Survivor Samoa!