Saturday, September 5, 2009

Erik - Sexually Transmitted Tool

Erik Cardona hails from the great state of California. Way to recruit CBS. He's 28 and doesn't use fancy terms like 'Mixologist' to describe his job. He's a bartender boys and girls and true to bartender form, he's very proud of the fact that he's a womanizer. Come on! Can we please have a normal male player who doesn't describe himself as a total pig? Do guys think that's a turn on or something? "Hey baby, I'm a womanizer, want to go out?" Uh, no you stupid a-hole. To further up his douchiness factor, he likes to chase after "taken women" just for the challenge. He says he can date 4-5 women at a time.... yeah and get 4-5 sexually transmitted diseases. Jesus, I hate this guy already.

Oh hell no... his favorite hobby is, and I quote, "skirt chasing". *sticks a hot poker in eye* Erik is 28 and has degrees in Sociology and Psychology, but he chooses to be a bartender because he likes to wake up late. Ok now I want all of you to go back and reread that last sentence and note it as a worthy reason to hate this guy.

Erik likes his daddy and looks up to him blah blah blah. Erik likes to stick his pickle in lots of jars. That's it. That's all he has to offer. Some drunk CBS exec found this douchebag bartending in downtown L.A. and mistakenly thought he'd make a good Survivor contestant. My personal hope is that Erik hits on everything and gets turned down repeatedly. I want him to be made a fool of on national TV so I can sit here smoking opium with my leprechaun and laugh and laugh and laugh. I hope he doesn't make it to the merge and I hope his dick falls off. The End.

He pronounced naivete as naivity and he has the nerve to call out the other men as being players. Don't ever ask him to tell an anecdote because you'll fall asleep from boredom like I did in this video.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Elizabeth: Boring Goody Goody

Today we meet the bright sunshiney Elizabeth Kim. She was born in South Korea, but grew up in Franklin Lakes, NJ. Wait a tic... hold up! Franklin Lakes? Isn't that where the Real Housewives Of New Jersey come from? Oh please tell me she wants new bubbies and has a penchant for flipping tables. I so miss Guiseppie, Giancarlo, Guido and whatever the hell else their names were. OK so Elizabeth has like 18 degrees from every Ivy League school on the east coast. I'm not kidding. She's an attorney turned urban planner and she does boring industrial real estate stuff for the New York government.

OK Elizabeth is already making me yawn. She doesn't know if she'll tell the other castmastes how smart she is in her real life. Good Elizabeth. My loyal BBBB readers know I can't stand bitches (AKA Laura) who go around telling everyone how wonderful they are. Bitches like that need to be taken out the horse track and set free.

The most we can hope for from Elizabeth, as far as entertainment, is if she puts her foot in her mouth. Apparently, she's not scared to speak her mind and is extremely opinionated. Blah blah blah she's runs and plays tennis and is an all around goody goody. Bo-ring! If she's not good in the challenges I can see her hitting the road kind of early on. She'll be dead weight and not a hardcore upfront player. I think she'll try to lay low and keep her mouth shut for as long as possible, but (hopefully) she'll say something really inappropriate and piss off one of the douchey young guys. Fingers crossed for an all out verbal assault.


She's a snot.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Dave - Dangerous Douchebag

Dave Ball, the uglier balder Coach, likes to preface his name with "Danger" (as in "Danger" Dave). What's up with men past their prime wearing their hair in a ponytail and thinking they're in BRAVEHEART? Douchebag. You need to be tall lithe and clutching a violin to pull this look off. I'm just saying. So anyhow Dave comes to us from the great state of California and he describes himself as a "rock and roll rebel". That means he listens to REO Speedwagon, wears gold chains dangling in this chest hair and still thinks fringed jackets are cool. Douchebag.

Of course he enjoys marital arts and fancies himself to be a superiorly intelligent to all the little people. He thinks the element of surprise will benefit him in the game. Yes, his douchiness will lull us into submission. This guy is a walking stereotype. Oh wait a tic... here's an interesting nugget. He majored in Opera and used to be a flight attendant. Sounds like someone is suffering from Wannabe Renaissance Man-itis.

Currently, Danger Dave is a fitness instructor spreading the news of nutrition to all who'll listen - the chubby chicks he picks up at Winger reunions. He says he's in the best shape of his life now, but I think he says that every year. I'm thinking Dave is going to be great television. He'll be Coach 2.0. If you're new to Survivor this season, Coach was king of the douchebags but EXTREMELY entertaining. Making fun of him kept Survivor fans laughing for weeks. Dave could make it to the merge if he isn't too annoying. Otherwise I see him going out as an embarrassment to Warrant fans everywhere.

He actually says, "I grew up taller than everybody else."

Monday, August 31, 2009


OK kiddies... we've got our Survivor Samoa Tribes. This isn't really a spoiler in that it doesn't ruin anything in the game, but if you prefer to be surprised on September 17th then read no further.

The first tribe is called the GALU TRIBE ('Galu' means "a wave, a breaker; to be rough, to break heavily on a reef") and they will be wearing Purple Buffs. The Galu Tribe is as follows:

Brett Clouser Age: 23 Hometown: Los Angeles, Calif. Occupation: T-Shirt Designer

Dave Ball Age: 38 Hometown: Los Angeles, Calif. Occupation: Fitness Instructor

Erik Cardona Age: 28 Hometown: Ontario, Calif. Occupation: Bartender

John Fincher Age: 25 Hometown: Los Angeles, Calif. Occupation: Rocket Scientist

Kelly Sharbaugh Age: 25 Hometown: Los Angeles, Calif. Occupation: Hairstylist

Laura Morett Age: 39 Hometown: Salem, Ore. Occupation: Office Manager

Monica Padilla Age: 25 Hometown: San Diego, Calif. Occupation: Law Student

Russell Swan Age: 42 Hometown: Philadelphia, PA Occupation: Lawyer

Shannon Waters Age: 45 Hometown: Renton, Wash. Occupation: Sales

Yasmin Giles Age: 33 Hometown: Los Angeles, Calif. Occupation: Hairstylist

The second tribe is the FOA FOA TRIBE ('Foa Foa' means "a conch shell used as a war horn") and they will be wearing Yellow Buffs. The Fao Fao Tribe consists of:

Ashley Trainer Age: 22 Hometown: Maple Grove, Minn.Occupation: Spa Sales

Ben Browning Age: 28 Hometown: Los Angeles, Calif. Occupation: Mixologist

Betsy Bolan Age: 48 Hometown: Campton, N.H. Occupation: Police Officer

Elizabeth Kim Age: 33 Hometown: New York, N.Y.Occupation: Attorney

Jaison Robinson Age: 28 Hometown: Chicago, Ill. Occupation: Law Student

Marisa Calihan Age: 26 Hometown: Cincinnati, Ohio Occupation: Student

Mick Trimming Age: 33 Hometown: Los Angeles, Calif. Occupation: Doctor

Mike Borassi Age: 62 Hometown: Marina del Rey, Calif Occupation: Personal Chef

Natalie White Age: 26 Hometown: Van Buren, Ark.Occupation: Pharmaceutical Sales

Russell Hantz Age: 36 Hometown: Dayton, Texas Occupation: Oil Company Owner

Both teams have exactly 5 women and 5 men. Rumors are floating about 2 people being removed due to evacuations but I'm not going to look into it any further. Some things I need to be a surprise and medical emergencies are definitely one of the highlights of the show.

The first thing standing out to me is the ages of the contestants. It's nice to see a good variety. At least the average age isn't 24.

Ok who's getting excited now? I know I am!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Brett - The Unstylish Do Gooder

Brett Clouser is 23 and has horrible taste in t-shirts. I could end this post right here and I'd be satisfied, but for shits and giggles let learn a little more about young Brett. Oh dear... he's a clothing enterpeneur and I'm thinking that t-shirt is one of his creations. He wants a socially conscious company that will help the planet and be nice to people. So basically he's copying that TOMS shoe guy. You know that guy who gives a pair of shoes to shoeless children for every pair you buy. That TOMS guy is a cutey and he's engaged to actress Maggie Grace. I loved her on LOST, but I loved her even more when she played a young self-centered lesbian in the JANE AUSTEN BOOK CLUB. She's really hot. Ok so back to Brett. Brett wants to be like the TOMS guy and date actresses I guess.

Brett plans on wooing the ladies big time. He's going to flirt his way to the merge and try not to break any hearts in the process. Oh please. Look at this guys face. He's a puppy dog. He'll fall madly in love with all the young ladies and he'll be the one crying into his rice over being heartbroken. At least that's what I hope happens. I'd love to see a real romance and then have it all go to hell. Misery. That's what I want.

Brett loves to be in the great outdoors as opposed to hitting the gym daily. He probably eats trail mix and Clif bars as he drinks electrolyte infused water while hiking in the mountains. OK so I totally just semi-described myself in that last sentence. I can't live without my Clif bars and electrolyte water. Brett could do really well in the challenges actually. He likes extreme outdoor sports and loves to run. This kid could be a definite physical threat. I'm predicting he'll be overly politically correct and will last until at least the merge.


I can't get past the t-shirt.