Saturday, September 12, 2009

Monica - Boobless Pocahontas

First things first, I hate that bathing suit. OK now that that's out of the way, let's meet Monica! Monica Padilla is a 25 year old law student who hails from the great state of California... she's totally a recruit. Monica is not shy about using her beauty to get her way and she fully intends to use it in the game of Survivor. She fancies herself to be quite the persuasive talker and claims she can "sell ice cubes to eskimos". She's had her share of odd jobs in her life including playing Pocahontas at a theme park. Ok that's kinda cool. Like Angelina Jolie's character in Girl, Interrupted said, "I've always wanted to be a professional Cinderella."

Monica says she'll miss partying and clubbing while she's in the Samoan wilderness. I really wish she hadn't said that. She's lost me now. Actually, when I was 25 I was a bit of a club queen so I guess I can't really hold that against her. But this next thing I can hold against her: She wants to buy herself a designer purse if she wins. Ugh... that means she goes to lame clubs so I can totally go back to hating her for missing her clubbing. At least I went to cool edgy goth clubs. No one at a cool rocker club would dream of buying a designer purse with a million dollar cash prize. At least say you want to travel or get a car or something, but a purse! A goddamn purse! Come on!

OK I'm bored with her now... let's watch her video.

I was totally waiting for her teeny tiny booby to pop out of her dress. Don't tell me you weren't thinking the exact same thing. Maybe she should get boobs with the prize money. Not huge freaky ones, just a cup or so bigger. She's got a good head on her shoulders though. I can't fault her for that at all. She seems intelligent and rational. It'll be interesting to see if her flirting pays off.

Please to enjoy:

Mike - You Gotta Like Him

Today we meet Mike. Mike is 62 and has a weird goatee thingie going on. Anyhow, he's a personal chef from California who used to coach football at Boston University. Oh! He could have some amazing leadership skills that he could apply to his tribe. Too bad his age might work against him. He's married with no kids and admits to doing or saying anything to win Survivor. Nice. I can get behind that. He likes to read, garden, and work out. Sounds like a well rounded type of guy.

Mike has no patience for bad drivers, Republicans, and bigots. Haha! I can so relate. If you really want to piss him off, rearrange his kitchen equipment. He's obsessed with all things Survivor and lost 30 lbs by working out with a personal trainer in preparation for the show. How much would that suck if he got eliminated first just because of his age? He's seen every episode and was actually almost cast on last season's show. He must be one of the alternates we were told about last month. He plans to lay low rather than make immediate aggressive moves. He'll hold back on his leadership inclinations and just try to let them out slowly as the game progresses. Good plan. Not wise to come on like gangbusters at the get go.

Ok now I'm going to watch his video...

I can't not like this guy. He's definitely not a recruit and he obviously LOVES Survivor. I can see him being more comic relief rather than a father figure. If he gets past the first elimination I'd like to see him team up with some younger players and last as long as possible. That first elimination is going to be crucial for him. I hope he makes it.

Please to enjoy:

Friday, September 11, 2009

Mick - Total Buzzkill

Mick Trimming. I could end this post right here and be completely satisfied with it. How obnoxious is that name of his? Seriously, that's a porn name, not a human name! Better yet, Mick is a doctor. AHAHA! Dr. Trimming to the ER. He's a 33 year old anasthesiologist and wants to win the prize to pay off all of his student loans. Dude... do porn! You already have the name. Mick Trimming The Tree... come on! That's a great title for a porn movie. Not that I watch porn or anything. Mr. O'Shaugnessy is a fan of course, but not me.

Dr. Trimming gets pissy when his patients neglect their health and come in for care and demand to get well. How dare they! They should all be taken out back and flogged. Who the hell do they think they are? Obviously, Mick has an exemplory bedside manor and would never ever ever pull a Kavorkian. Dr. Mick also hates it when people don't admit their wrong. Oh I have a feeling I'm going to hate this guy with a passion. He's sounds incredibly narcissistic and, like most doctors, probably has a god complex.

Mick fancies himself to be a funny man, but I just think he's an all around tool. It looks like he filled out his application knowing expressly that it would be on He said he'd give a homeless person a tongue bath if he won the money. Uh, that's not funny. It's not funny at all actually. It's lame. He also said he wants to buy a vacuum cleaner. That's not funny either. Go to Best Buy and buy one you idiot.

OK time to watch the video...

What a buzzkill! I was bored to tears. He sounded much more entertaining on paper. I totally expected an arrogant charismatic a-hole. At least that would have been fun to watch. Seriously, I tuned him out and started to watch the driving 7 year old on Ellen. Can we get that 7 year old to replace Mick Buzzkill? He'd be way more entertaining.

Please to enjoy:

Marisa - Hard Working Farm Girl

Marisa Calihan is a 26 year old student and I absolutely hate her photo right here. Why didn't the photographer tell her to stand in a more flattering pose? She's obviously fit, but with her hip cocked like that she looks chunky. I'd totally pull a Jen Johnson and cry my eyes out if this was my photo. I'm just saying.

Marisa was born on a farm in Ohio with lots of adopted and blood siblings running around. She's lived abroad in third world helping children with no plumbing. Seriously? She's pretty hardcore if she did that for several years. I could never do that. My idea of traveling abroad is eating a watermelon soaked in vodka in front of the Duomo in Florence (Yes, it really happened. Don't ask.) So yeah this chick is a nice person who's worked hard all her life and likes to give back. I can't hold that against her. After her overseas jaunts, she's returned home to head back to school and help out her family. The prize money would mean the world to her and her family and she's counting on her resourcefulness to help her in the game.

OK now I'm going to watch her video...

Hmmm you know what? I kind of like her. She's a little bohemian and it sounds like she had some crazy free loving hippy parents. I don't like how she called herself pretty a lot, but I have a feeling she didn't mean it in a conceited way at all. Can't you see her totally being besties with Kelly? They've both got that free spirit low maintenance thing about them. I've got no problems with Marisa so far. Although, I must say I don't think she'll last too long. She may hang around til the merge, but not too much longer than that.

Please to enjoy:

Laura - Christian Hypocrite

I'm going to continue to write my first impressions before I watch the videos. I kind of like discovering if I'm right on or completely wrong in my assumptions.

Today we meet 39 year old Laura Morett. A mother of 3 and a grandmother of 1. What?!? She's a grandmother at 39? Yikes. Oh dear... this could explain it... she's a conservative Christian. Oh hell no. I cannot deal with another Elizabeth Hasselbeck in the world. Laura loves nothing better than to ride her Harley and rally politically around her state of Oregon. Oh... it gets worse. Since her daughter had a child when she was 18, Laura likes to call herself the "fit version of Sarah Palin".

Laura enjoys Christian music *stabs self in ear* and studying women's ministry *grabs a pitchfork*. She bosses around other couples at her church and tells them her marriage is one to be idolized. Not really. It says here that she counsels couples, but I interpret that as her simply telling them what to do.

Laura says she wants to win purely for the money. I can't hold that against her I guess. She also says that she won't compromise her faith to get it. Uh oh. OK now this I will hold her to. If she does anything remotely anti-Christian I will call her on it. I will shout from the rooftops what a liar and a hypocrite she is and, believe you me, it will be relentless. There's nothing I can't stand more than bible toting in a reality show.

OK now I'm going to watch her video myself and see how right I am.

*begins penning a song entitled 'Christian Hypocrite'*

Uh yeah she's annoying. She's very cute, but she rambles and keeps repeating herself. Who's she trying to convince? Us or herself? Anyhow, she won't make it far at all. I'm thinking she'll be one of the first 3 out and when that happens I'll be saying, "Good Riddance!" I'm not having much luck with reality contestants named Laura this year, am I?

Please to enjoy:

Thursday, September 10, 2009

What Does Jeff Probst Think?

Finally, I have time to properly update this blog. Keep checking back all day for new posts and videos.

Rarely do I ever agree with Jeff Probst and this season is no exception. He liked Coach after all. Yet again, right out of the gate Probstey says he likes Erik and wants him to win. No Probst, No. I love you and I think you're a GREAT reality host, but you are WRONG! Having said that, I was thrilled to hear him call John a "poseur". I couldn't agree more.

Please to enjoy:

Kelly - My Early Favorite

OK so how cute is she? I love her. I know... I know... I did this with Lydia too, but I have a good feeling about Kelly. Kelly is a 25 year old hairstylist and lives in Southern California. I'm sure she's another recruit, but I dig her so it's ok. She's edgy, she's traveled cross country several times, and she "embraces the unknown". Like all wild children, she has a penchant for tattoos (I have 3). She has the word "cuidado" (Spanish for "careful") on her forearm and the word "trouble" on her left foot.

Kelly has an open-minded free spirit outlook on life and likes to live life to the fullest. Her huge infectious personality could be good for her in this game as long as she's not bossy or annoying. She likes to set small goals for herself with hopes of always reaching the greater good. Awww isn't she precious?

OK and because Kelly is my early favorite, she gets a video (Actually, all the cast profiles are being updated with videos so be sure to check all the past posts). In it she reveals that she thinks the cast in attractive and she hopes that when she finally meets everyone properly they're as attractive inside as they are out. Her official picture doesn't do her justice, she's stunning in this video. Easily the prettiest girl of the season.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

John - Rocket Man

Today we meet the Survivor contestant I've already heard the menopausal sect swoon over. This is John Fincher. He's 25 and he happens to be a rocket scientist. He's cocky, he's intelligent, he's charming, he plays soccer, he's easy on the eyes, and I think I might have to hate him. I try to make it a habit to root for the people no one else will root for (see Lydia Tavera - BB11). It stirs up controversy, gets people talking, and cements my reputation as a bitch. Mr. John Fincher here has already caught the eye of Joe Public which means I might have to loathe him by default. John is from L.A. which makes me think he was recruited... and I'm thinking he was recruited for something other than his brain.

To make him even more of a pretty boy stereotype, Johnny Boy grew up with money. He's world traveled and probably speaks 18 languages. I won't hold that against him. I think someone's personal wealth should have no bearing on the outcome of a game like Survivor. Survivor isn't a charity. It's a challenge.

John knows he's good looking and he's banking on his lothario lashes to help him win over the ladies. Have we met a guy yet this season who hasn't called himself a ladies man? Surely, not all of them can be Casanovas. John could win me over though. If he's arrogant and evil (kind of like Sebastian in Cruel Intentions or Chuck Bass in Gossip Girl) then I could most certainly learn to love him. I like that he finds stupid people amusing. That means that he likes to play with them and exploiting the stupid for personal gain always makes for good television.

I think John's biggest obstacle won't be the game itself, but will be the other young men in the game. He'd do well to make a quick bromance or 2, recruit some young lovelies, and take out all the older contestants before the young turn on themselves and eat each other alive. Any brave scheming ladies would benefit from keeping emotion out of everything when dealing with Mr. Fincher. He'll most definitely heartlessly use someone to get ahead and I'd advise the sexy womenfolk to do the same. I'm predicting he'll make it to at least the merge, but a mutiny or dissension in the ranks could be his ultimate demise.


After seeing his video, I hate him. He actually said he's too pretty for radio. Is it too early to hope he gets a horrible flesh infection?

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Jaison - Is He Really That Perfect?

Today we meet 28 year old Jaison Robinson. Does he remind anyone else of Sandhurst from Make Me A Supermodel? Anyhow, Jaison is a smarty pants working to get his law degree from the University of Chicago. It appears as if this over achiever declined a congressional nomination to attend either the Air Force or the Naval Academy. Jesus Christ this guy's resume reads like a parent's wet dream. Cosmopolitan magazine named him Mr. California and he's climbed to the tippy top of some ginormous Venezuelan mountain. Jaison is wayyy into sports and was even on the U.S. National Water Polo team. If you thought this guy wasn't already nauseatingly perfect, he always plays the cello and the piano.

Seriously, Jaison too good to be true. There has to be something wrong with him. Don't worry. I'll find it. He dreams of climbing Everest and likes to play strategic thinking/deception games for fun. Mr. Robinson could be a MAJOR threat in Samoa. He's got the gift of persuasion (from his Law studies) and the gift of strong physical prowess on his side. If he doesn't emerge as a leader early on, then he will definitely be a behind the scenes manipulator. I kind of like him. He'll try to use intellect and savvy to win the game, but he's not above betraying a person or two to get ahead. That's what I like to hear.

If Jaison lives up to his reputation, he could go very far. As long as his social skills are as finely honed as his other appealing attributes, he should do just fine. If he's likable, watch out because he'll be tough to beat.


I sure hope he has a sense of humor somewhere.