Friday, September 25, 2009

The Hood Is Not The Woods

Begin 'Dueling Banjos'

If you refer to fifth grade as your senior year, you might be a redneck.

If you think possum is "the other white meat", you might be a redneck.

If your idea of high quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug zapper, you might be a redneck.

If the KKK ever kicked you out for being a bigot, you might be Ben Browning.

Before I get to this luscious piece of spam cake, let's walk ourselves through last night's build up. We begin with a little visit to Foa Foa, or where I like to refer to as "the ninth ring of hell". Russell H. (AKA Lucifer) is knifing a kitten in the eye talking about how pleased he is that Marisa is gone, "If you play with fire, you're going to get burned. I'm excited Marisa is gone." He then grabs a lifeless pony carcass and marches over to Betsy. Betsy is telling Lucifer how even though she doesn't trust him, she'll still talk to him and braid his hair at night. Lucifer turns on the charm and tells Old Betsy that she made a big mistake voting out Ashley at the last Tribal Council. Old Betsy stands by her decision and Lucifer just nods and smiles. Much to Old Betsy's surprise, he begins to rub pony blood over his nipples and tells her that he's still loyal to her and wants to keep her in the game. Note to viewers: If ever you see Lucifer rubbing freshly spilled blood over any part of his body, he is lying.

The happy scene ends and we get what I've been waiting a week for... my theme song. Only this time I'm disappointed. It's all slowed down and the opening lyrics are changed and I didn't know whether to try to dance to the new monstrosity or kick my leprechaun in between the eyes. I chose to dance, but it wasn't pretty I tell you. Lots of big dramatic sweeping arms accompanied with tiny fluttering leg kicks. Mr. O'Shaugnessy tried to dance too, but the new beat threw him off and he fell over completely trashing my new charcoal portrait of Sebastian Bach (Did you hear he's going to be on Celebrity Fit Club? Don't you love it?!). I was unhappy and confused so I plopped down on the couch, crossed my arms, and pouted. I thought to myself, "Only a hood rat and an ignorant hillbilly racist could save this episode now." And seriously, what are the chances of that happening? :)

We pop over to Galu and find Yasmin deep in the throes of a diva bitch fest. Foxy Brown isn't happy at all with her surroundings and she's taking it out on all things nature. The trees look at her wrong, her bed is hard and bumpy, the heat is up too high, and the bugs are gnawing on her like she's the sweetest piece of chocolate Godiva ever produced. She's confused as to why Survivor has to be outdoors, "Who could love the outdoors when you could be indooors?" She flips off the sun and the ocean and says the phrase that tingled everyone no-no's, "The hood is not the woods!" Can I get a hallelujah?

Yes, she's funny and profound, but... bitch please. What show did you think you signed up for? Even I, in my gin haze, know that Survivor is a horrifying outdoorsy hell on Earth. You couldn't pay me to do this show. Until they get wifi, Egyptian Cotton sheets, and a Whole Foods I'll keep my high maintenance ass at home... in a bubble bath of champagne... where it belongs. Has Lil Mama ever even seen this show before? Seriously, how many times did she get smacked with the idiot stick that she felt it was no problem at all to bitch about her surroundings IN FRONT OF HER ENTIRE TRIBE!?! How did she ever pass the IQ test? Come to think of it, how did she ever pass 8th grade? There is nothing that pisses me off more than a reality show contestant bitching about the very reality show they tried desperately to be on. Makes zero sense to me and makes me make kabobs out of my pancreas.

Over at Foa Foa, Hillbilly Ben is busy killing a 4 inch lizard and displaying it proudly over his head. He did it all by himself. I knew his toothpicks would come in handy at some point. Jeff Foxworthy is thrilled he's killed something that he can almost wear as a hat and he goes off to prepare a lizard feast. Meanwhile, Jaison and Lucifer are discussing Marisa's departure. Jaison was shocked and hadn't realized that Lucifer hated her so much. Lucifer corrects him and says, "It's not about hate. It's about the game. She was a threat." He then reaches into his chest cavity, where is heart should be, and pulls out a contract written in pony blood. He proposes that he and Jaison team up and work together. Jaison is likable and strong and Lucifer thinks he'd made the perfect sacrifice... er I mean partner. I NEVER saw this twosome as a possible pairing, but I like it. I like it a lot. It's a great fucking alliance of good v. evil, pretty v. ugly, strapping v. paunchy, black v. white. Yup, it works for me.

Jaison signs the contract in his own blood and Lucifer lays out his plan. Lucifer thinks it would be genius to find the Immunity Idol before anyone gets any clues. I hate to side with Satan (no I don't), but I've always thought this too! I've often thought that if I were ever on Survivor I'd search high and low for that damn Idol with or without any clues. Should I be pleased or petrified that Lucifer and I are on the same wavelength? No matter. I'll think about that tomorrow. Anyhow, Lucifer begins his search for the Idol while ASSley bitches about not wanting to eat lizard chops. Wouldn't you know it? Lucifer gets on the ground, looks up a tree trunk like it's a woman's skirt, and he finds the damn Idol! My jaw hit the floor and I prayed that he'd make a Fake Idol in the very near future. There's nothing I love more than a Fake Idol being used at Tribal Council. The humiliation is exhilerating!

Lucifer is thrilled he found the Immunity Idol and says, "When I looked up I almost passed out" (duh... "up" is where heaven is). He scampers over to Jaison to share the news and prove to Jaison that he's trustworthy. Jaison immediately re-signs the blood contract cementing his partnership with Lucifer and Lucifer skips off to bury the Idol in the sand. According to Survivor law, since Lucifer found it, no one can ever take it from him. I totally thought it could be stolen. Am I wrong about this?

Right before the Challenge, Mike and Betsy are worried about going home. They're old and decrepit and haven't had their geritol so it's no surprise they're scared. Tree Mail arrives announcing the Challenge and it's ominous and evil sounding. In other words, it's a nursery rhyme to Lucifer. Mike puts on some war paint, prepares himself mentally, and vows to kick some Survivor ass. He says, "I'll take them down to China Town... I'll die trying." And almost die he does.

In what has to be one of the most violent Survivor Challenges ever, the tribes are instructed to battle to retrieve balls, pass the balls to tribemates on a platform, and then shoot the balls in the opposing tribes basket. The first one to 3 points wins fishing gear, a twist, and Immunity. Dimples says, "If you can't catch a fish with this, go home!" As Galu has one more tribe member, they sit out Monica.

Surviors Ready. Go! Immediately, the men smash into each other violently. Mike is tackling anyone in his sights. Lucifer is practically killing Brett. The ball gets passed to Liz. She shoots she scores. 1 point for Foa Foa!

Round 2: The women are in the pit this time. Survivors Ready. Go! Shambo starts barrelling through the taut female forms while Kelly gets choked and manhandled by someone. Rocket Boy gets the ball, lobs it into the basket. The score is now tied 1-1.

Dimples is frightened by what he sees so he calls a time out and warns everyone that choking, head butting, and anything resembling a cheap shot is forboden and will be removed from the game.

Round 3: Game on! Ben lunges at Rocket Boy's ankles. Natalie gets choked. Ben turns to Dreads and kicks him straight in the shins. Dimples blows his whistle and throws Ben out of the game. The game resumes and Erik scores for Galu. It's now 2-1.

Round 4: It's all men now. Dave and Lucifer collide. Erik smashes Mike to the ground. Mike gets up completely stunned and confused. His tribe is screaming at him, but his face just goes blue. Laura gets the ball, sinks it in the basket, and GALU WINS REWARD AND IMMUNITY!

Mike collapses and sees stars and Dimples asks Ben how he feels getting kicked out of the game. Ben smiles a toothless grin and says, "Outlaw baby. Whatever. No use crying over spilled milk." I so want that stitched on a pillow with a hand embroidered chain of daisies all around it. Dimples guffaws at Ben's remarks and moves on to the twist. As Galu's leader, Dreads gets the power to send someone from his tribe to spend the night with Foa Foa and watch their Tribal Council tomorrow. Dreads picks Yasmin and I'm left scratching my head wondering why. Then it dawned on me... he probably just wanted to get rid of her for the night.

Dimples wants Medical to take a look at Mike before he heads back to Foa Foa. His blood pressure is 92/60 and the medic asks him to stand up. He immediately gets light headed, says he's feeling whoozy, and collapses. The poor guy is having trouble breathing and his blood pressure is super low. Due to my vast medical training (no not really) I know that a low blood pressure is bad and should be avoided. They take his blood pressure again and now it's 80/60. It's getting lower and he's dizzy and his heart isn't doing what it's supposed to so the medic has no choice but to pull Mike from the game. Dimples crushes Betsy's soul and tells Foa Foa that they will still go to Tribal Council and vote someone out.

It's so sad and depressing that I immediately wish I could get a Shambo bathing suit scene to cheer myself up. Well, Survivor never disappoints and I got my wish. Shambo with her broad magnificent white belly is swimming like a lovely mulleted mermaid in the sea looking for fish to spear. She's a vision in mullet! All the marine life immediately began singing 'Part Of Your World' while the clams snapped in unison. Shambo doesn't want the fish to stop singing so she decides not to kill them. She thinks it's time for a swamp bath and she retreats to a muddy pool of water to languidly stretch her chubby white limbs. I demanded Mr. O'Shaugnessy put on a mankini and dance a jig for me.

Back at Foa Foa, Yasmin is under the false impression that she's been elected mayor of Survivor Town. She gathers the tribe up and gives them some kind of ridiculous speech about how competing against them is like taking candy from a baby. Lucifer began to spew fire and Ben immediately went hunting for his Klan hat. The rest of the tribe just sat there staring at her like she was nuts. What this whole display is of course is Yasmin fighting for air time. I'm thinking that's what her whole diva fest back at her own camp was about as well. Her desperation for recognition is fucking up her game and that's fine with me. Let the bitch sink herself. See if I care.

Yasmin, or "Jasmine" as Ben calls her, pulls Ben aside and reprimands him for tackling her in the game. He says he was just playing and it didn't matter that she was a girl. She continues to foam at the mouth and says, "You're not showing me no sympathy!" Ben scoffs and wonders where he put his noose while Yasmin keeps hooting and hollering about him being ignorant. Then, in one of the best interviews ever, Ben says, "Jasmine has a big mouth. Jasmine smells bad... She's pretty close to being a hooker! She's barking up the wrong tree." Oh Ben... I love it when you call chicks hookers. I was happy enough with the smelly hooker remark, but Hillbilly Ben just couldn't keep his mouth shut and he proceeded to do his Klan members proud, "She's ghetto trash, plain and simple. She needs to go to back to drinking Kool Aid and eating ketchup sandwhiches and go back to wherever it is she came from.” Oh no he di'in't! Oh yes he did. And with that we've got our first racist of the season.

Is it just me or does the idea of Ben lasting to the Merge and being whipped by Dreads sound magnificent? Oh well... that's a long way off and Ben has some more people to piss off in the meantime. He stays up all night smacking things with his machete and keeping everyone up. I have no idea what his M.O. is. It was almost as if he was asking to be sent home. Betsy thinks Ben's asking for it and Jaison thinks the "outlaw" thing is all a facade and that he's really a puppy dog underneath. Seriously Jaison? Anyhow, Betsy gets to work on the women (ASSley and Natalie) and she tells them to vote their woman's intuition and get Ben out. Since ASSLey is such an idiot and will believe anything you tell her, she considers it and approaches Liz to see what to do. Liz is hell bent on getting Old Betsy out. She's over 40 for crying out loud. She shouldn't even be alive! Lucifer catches on to ASSley's bitching and says that ASSley is next on his list. Oh thank you Lucifer! I'm going to send you a muffin basket right quick.

At Tribal Council Dimples asks them if Foa Foa is a big happy family now that Marisa is gone. Liz, someone I'm really beginning to hate, says yes. Idiot. Dimples calls her on it and says that if they're happy then Yasmin's visit must have been pleasant. Ben views the comment as an invitation for more racism and he says, "Her grammar is so poor it's like talking to an idiot. She's ghetto trash!" *giggles* I know it's rude and wrong and incredibly racist, but it's dramatic so I'm allowed to giggle. When Ben comes across to millions of people as an ignorant racist hillbilly my heart swells. The more people that hate him, the better. At least that's how I see it.

Betsy chimes in and blames Ben being eliminated from the challenge as the reason they lost. Dimples asks Ben about his elimination and Ben, ever so eloquently, says, "You never said we were playing by sissy rules." Oh why can't a fabulous gay be on Foa Foa? How heavenly would it be to see a hot swishy gay guy cut Ben down to size? That's dark chocolate dipped in diamonds right there. Dimples smirks and looks pissed off. He dismisses Yasmin telling her she can keep what she's seen a secret or she can blab it to everyone over at Galu. She leaves and Probsty tells them it's time to vote.

Old Betsy uses her cane to get to the voting booth and she sings the lyrics to the COPS theme song while writing down Ben's name. As lovely as it was, it was futile. By a vote of 5-1 Betsy is the second person voted out of Survivor Samoa. Oh Betsy, we hardly got to know you. I would have loved to have seen you pull a fast one on Lucifer, but your tribe is filled with idiot women who do his bidding. You were fighing a losing battle. Godspeed.

So, my dear readers, what did you think of last night's episode? Did you want Ben to go home instead? Do you like Lucifer more or less after last night? Will you miss Mike at all or was he just dead weight? Finally, what do you think of the Jaison/Lucifer alliance? From the looks of next week, it appears as if making a deal with the devil might not have been Jaison's best move. What do you guys think?

Thanks for stopping by and have a great day everyone!