Friday, October 2, 2009

Screw Yoga Man!

Deep in the heart of Samoa there lives a gentle womanbeast. She can brighten your day with a smile and make you rethink black socks with shorts as a fashion faux pas. Her mission is peace and hot girl on girl motorcycle love. Clad in a headband, jog bra, and an irresistable mullet, this morsel from heaven makes you forget all things horrifying like Audrina Patridge getting her own show or the Kardashian's procreating. Her name is Shambo. She's dipped in goodness and comes with her own soundtrack. We should all be so lucky.

The episode opens with Nubian god Jaison and Buzzkill Mick discussing Hillbilly Ben. If you remember last week, Klan Man Ben wasn't very smitten with Yasmin and had no problems calling her "ghetto trash" to her face. This will become a major point of contention later, but for now this little convo is serving up some major foreshadowing for the rest of the episode. Last week several of my readers (much to my surprise I must admit), insisted that Uncle Tom Ben was, in fact, not spewing racist remarks. When a white man calls a black woman "ghetto trash" I'm pretty sure it's not meant as a compliment. Would Ben have called a white woman "ghetto trash"? I think not. I was pleased to know those comments didn't go unnoticed by Jaison because I'll admit his silence last week was a tad bothersome.

On the other side of Foa Foa, Lucifer (Russell H.) is asking Natalie who she thinks should go home next. He might as well ask a tree stump what it thinks about healthcare reform. Natalie just stands there, twirls her hair, shrugs, and wonders how many more tanning hours she has left in her day. Lucifer hocks an acid loogie on her pedicured toes and walks off in a huff muttering how no one is playing the game but him. He tells us, "I'm gonna have them all under control like zombies walking around." Cue the theme song or to what I lovingly refer to as "my dance time". This week my dance morphed into something akin to what whirling dervishes do. The slowed down beat has caused me much confusion and my only response is to spin. At this point, I'll do anything for a head rush.

We begin with a visit to Foa Foa where David Duke is trying to teach Useless Mick how to start a fire. You see, Mick is wasting all the camps precious flint being all clumsy and inadequate and Ben is just itching for more air time. He tells the camera, "I'm the only one who knows how to start a fire... they're all pansies!" And again I'm left mourning the absence of an ass kicking flamboyant token gay on Foa Foa. Ben, under the false impression that he's worth something, runs to Asian Liz and in the most chauvenistic manner tells her, "Not to be chauvenistic, but you women won't be able to start a fire. Your hands are too small to hold the flint and machete." Yeah well Ben your hands are too small to have a sizable penis. Suck on that you ignorant a-hole. Exactly how many velvet paintings do you own anyways?

All this hate crime potential is making my no-no twitch. What I need now is some Yanni and a gentle island breeze to calm me down. Where oh where can I find such a place? Look no further because Club Galu is open for business! This all inclusive island resort offers free yoga classes, overstuffed pillows, and bikini clad babes frolicking around in knee high socks. It'll make you almost forget you're on Survivor. All that's missing is Tom Cruise behind the bar flipping bottles of Grey Goose. We enter Galu's tropical paradise just as Laura is giving a yoga class to Kelly, Brett, and Erik. They're all sitting cross legged rolling their heads to and fro sparking their kundalini's with contented smiles on their faces.

Not 4 feet away is our heroine, Shambo. The Civil War-esque marching music kicks in and Shambolicious just stands there, hands on hips, head shaking, wondering what the hell she's doing in the Twilight Zone. She tells us, "I'm not in the 90210 clique" and I instantly fall in love. Any mention of Shannen Doherty in any capacity makes my lips pucker and my eyebrows raise. Shambo continues, "We need food, water, and fire wood. Screw yoga man!" and I immediately logged onto my Zazzle Store page to make "Screw Yoga Man!" t-shirts.

Back in 1960's Mississippi, Lucifer tells Ben that ASSley was gunning for him to go home last week. It's amazing Lucifer's little pudgy arms don't get tired from all that shit stirring. Anyhow, Lucifer plots to let ASSley think that Ben is really the one going home when, in acuality, she's the one on the chopping block. We then learn the definition of a "Russell Seed". Apparently, it's a seed he plants in people's minds that, if left unattended, will grow and fester into a flesh eating virus that renders you stupid. No, not really, but my definition is much more colorful than Russell's. Flowery prose aside, the Russell Seed works and Ben runs to ASSley telling her he knows how she wanted to betray him. ASSley is shockingly confused. I say "shockingly" because how dumb does she have to be not to realize that Lucifer is the evil spreader of gossip? She literally looks at Ben with her big blue eyes and says "Who told you?" before stomping off and telling all the other tribe mates that someone has betrayed her. Lucifer sits in his corner making puppy kabobs laughing to himself.

Back at Montego Bay, Kelly FINALLY gets some air time and reads tree mail to the group. She's clutching a big bag of goodies and they all scream and squeal to discover brand new bikinis and speedos. Shambo, a woman in her own category, is given a jog bra and some board shorts. She picks her teeth with some tree bark and winks at Dreads who's probably just happy he wasn't given a teeny tiny speedo to wear as well. The girls don their new bikinis oddly paired with knee socks, pose like Charlie's Angels, and scamper off to the challenge. Days filled with yoga and Macarena contests will leave anyone well-rested and ready for some ass kicking.

Once again the Reward and Immunity challenges are rolled into one and I'm a little pissed off. It's completely throwing off my Survivor betting pool when they do this. I take this shit seriously and while I'm grateful for more coverage of tribal life, I'm livid that for the first time I've split my bets between the two tribes. Anyhow, Dimples Probst informs the tribes that they have to swim out in pairs to retrieve a crate, go through a "battle zone" where they will be physically attacked (words from heaven if you ask me), bring back all 4 crates, and then stack the crates with no colors repeating on any one side. The prize is Immunity and pillows, blankets, mats, a hammock, candles, incense, bubble bath, some US Weekly's, and a few Jonas Brothers cd's (ok so maybe I made a few of those up).

As the teams are uneven, Foa Foa sits out Lucifer (a choice that's bewildering to me) and Galu sits out Erik, Brett, Yasmin, and Shambo (how dare you!). As nice as Dreads is, he makes the weirdest choices. More of which you'll discover post challenge. I would have thought Dreads would have instantly sat out Rocket Boy due to his poor performance in this first swimming challenge.

Survivors ready. Go! Liz and Natalie burst into the water and meet up with Kelly who's taking no prisoners. Liz has to physically drag Natalie across the battle zone line to free her from Kelly's clutches. John and Dave go racing into the water for Galu where they meet Ben in the battle zone. They basically splash him in the face, render him motionless, and run right past him. Shambo meanwhile is sitting on a log cracking up flossing her teeth with a long piece of mullet. That Ben sure is useful to his tribe! Galu maintains a slight lead throughout the competition due to Ben's incompetence, but back on the beach it comes down to a nail biter of an ending with both tribes scrambling to complete their puzzles. Foa Foa thinks they have it right, but that mess of 18 green blocks in a row makes their presumed victory short lived. Galu now thinks that they have it correct and GALU WINS IMMUNITY AND REWARD!

ASSley immediately looks like she wants to cry while Galu jumps up and down and screams in delight. Dreads now has some decisions to make. He can choose to trade his "Comfort Package" for a "Function Package". The camera flashed the Function Package so quickly that I had to watch the show twice last night to accurately figure out it's contents. It was filled with a huge sturdy tarp, utensils, pots and pans, lanterns, spices, Wedgewood china, WiFi, lobster traps filled with lobster, TiVo, and I'm quite sure I saw a plasma tv in there too. Dreads, wanting to keep his bitches happy, chooses the Comfort package because we all know how important pillows are to island living. He says, "I'm a function guy, but they're a comfort group." The men on his tribe and Shambo (who outnumber the 90210 girls) are stunned wondering if Dreads has any balls and common sense to speak of. Danger Dave says to the camera, "Let me think about this for zero seconds. Done! I'd take function."

Next Dreads has to choose who to send to Foa Foa for the night. Who better than the Mulletted Goddess herself? Shambo, with her especially poofy hair, is chosen to go and she immediately embraces the losers over at Foa Foa. That decision was a decent one compared to the travesty of comfort over function. I used to like Dreads, but he's too much of a softy for my taste. You just know his wife wears the pants at home and has him well trained.

Back at Galu camp, Dreads must have realized what a fucking idiotic decision he just made and he gives a speech about having to keep the women in his tribe happy because he believes happy women make for a happy tribe. I immediately envision Dreads' wife sitting at home watching with a smug smile on her face. You know bitch sent him out for milk and tampons right at that precise moment knowing he wouldn't put up a fight at all. Erik is none too thrilled about Dreads choice and tells us, "This is not Club Med." Wait a tic... aren't you the same Erik who was doing yoga earlier in the day while fire wood needed to be chopped? Shut the hell up and keep convincing yourself you're a "mixologist" not a bartender.

Over in the Ninth Ring Of Hell, Shambo is introducing herself, giving bear hugs, and paying compliments like they're going out of style. She's delightful and lovely and for a moment I think she'll totally turn Asian Liz gay. Mick tells us he'd like to adopt her and I immediately shouted back, "Get in line!" Foa Foa is besotted with Shambo and, seriously, who wouldn't be? Next time you throw a dinner party, a backyard barbecue, or have a piano sing-a-long in your home invite Shambo and watch the entertainment value triple. When Rambo Shambo can saunter up to Hillbilly Ben in her black socks and pale legs and call him "Beefcake" and "Bright Eyes" you know you have someone special on your hands. Hold her close and never let her go is what I say.

Shambo is totally feeling the love and she hastily begins to trash her own tribe to Foa Foa. I realize she's desperate for companionship so I forgive her hastiness and keep my fingers crossed that this will all pay off for her at the Merge. She tells them how the 90210 group over at Galu likes to do yoga insead of getting water. Foa Foa are stunned and Mick begins to wonder if Shambo is trustworthy. Oh Mick... bad boy. You almost had me at the adoption remark, but now you've lost me with your suspicious ways. I'll be counting the days until you're gone. Shambo, high on the fact that people are actually listening to her speak says, "You guys appreciate me for the woman I am." I shout out "hallelujah!", spark up some opium, and watch as Asian Liz's eyes dance while listening to Shambo.

Let's pop back over at Galu and see how they're managing without Shambo. Just as I thought... everything has gone to shit. Erik is mocking the girls for being so excited over 2 woven mats and 4 pillows. He points out that one day it'll rain and everything they're so exicted about will be useless. I hate to agree with him, but he's right. The girls couldn't give a fig and they're busy planning their slumber party scratching each other's back and braiding one another's hair. I sure hope someone's bikini top gets frozen!

Back at Foa Foa, Jaison is on a mission to get Hillbilly Ben out. He's telling the girls in his tribe that if Ben stays he'll quit the game. Obviously, he's lying, but he's trying to make a point that he's serious and that Ben is no longer welcome in his world. He says, "I'm trying to lead a crusade right now. There's one person I want out and that's him [Ben]." Lucifer, in the meantime, is still plotting for ASSley to go home and he tries to get Mick onboard with the plan. Mick is worried because he likes Jaison and doesn't want to be disloyal to him. Lucifer senses that keeping Ben might not be the best idea after all so he cuts a deal with Mick and shows him the Immunity Idol he found. Mick declares, "That's brilliance on your part." and Lucifer just grabs his own belly and laughs making the fires in hell burn all that much more.

It's at this point that it dawns on me... Pride will be Lucifer's downfall in this game. He has one thing on his side (besides eternal damnation) and that one thing is the Immunity Idol coupled with the fact that no one knew he had it. The deadly sin of pride is running through Lucifer's veins and he just can't help but share his secret with everyone. It's just like that episode of Charmed about the seven deadly sins said, "Pride is the most difficult of all the sins to overcome." Pride almost took down Prue (Shannen Doherty) in that episode and if it can almost take her down, it can definitely take Lucifer down. Lucifer is playing pretty smart so far. He's controlled every elimination thus far and he's staying out of the line of fire, but his pride and big mouth will put an end to all that. Mark my words, his gloating will be his demise.

Shambo Warrior Princess has ensconced herself into Foa Foa nicely and she's teaching the girls how to survive on squirrel meat and tree bark. They're all enchanted and hanging onto her every word. Lucifer spies the girl bonding and begins to fret about the estrogen faction all teaming up one day to vote his chunky troll ass out. He runs to Jaison and expresses his concern for the womanfolk while Jaison simply says, "Those girls are weak. It would be suicide to get rid of them now." Maybe the word "suicide" tickled Lucifer's no-no or something because he immediately begins to seriously consider keeping ASSley around.

This brings us to Tribal Council which began innocently enough. Dimples asks Foa Foa what they thought of Shambo and Jaison says, "I think Shambo is amazing. She's great. I love her." I feel you buddy. He then wonders aloud if they can do a possible trade with Galu. Ben for Shambo. Ben does that stupid smirking thing he does (just like in his publicity photo) and announces that ASSLey should go home because she's the weakest. ASSley scoffs and is dying to run down the list of hip hop dance, pilates, kickboxing, and step classes she's taken. Instead she says that Ben spreads negativity and that's all the invitation Jaison needed. He's calm and rational and tells Dimples how Ben is an instigator and causing tension in the tribe.

Ben is rolling his eyes and I really want to punch that smirk off his face while Jaison articulates clearly and succinctly precisely why Ben is a douchebag. He points out how Ben is a bully and disrespected their guest (Yasmin) last week with remarks heavily laced with racial undertones. Ben jumps in all heated and points at Jaison calling him a baby. Seriously? That's your best comeback? Whatever. *makes W signs with hands*

Dimples asks Lucifer what he thinks and Lucifer says that Jaison might be mad because Ben "maybe" said something racial. Jaison mutters, "Maybe?" Ben, fashioning a cross to burn out of twigs, says, "If she's from the ghetto and she's trashy, she's ghetto trash! That's not racial. That's fact!" Jaison, ever the classy guy, says, "Do you talk to a young lady that way?" Ben shouts, "Yasmin was being a bitch not a lady!" OK I'll admit it, I totally laughed when he said that. Yes, Yasmin was being a total bitch from hell. I'll agree with Ben on that, but then call her a bitch and be done with it. He took it to a whole new level calling her "ghetto trash" and saying the thing about ketchup sandwiches and kool aid. It's like when people called Chima (BB11) "Chimpa". Sure I hated Chima, but you just don't cross racial lines like that. It's completely inappropriate.

Jaison continues very measured and controlled citing how if Ben can't be sensitive to Yasmin then at least he could be sensitive to history. He's making good points and I begin to really like him. He's smart, physically strong, and easily likable. I wouldn't mind seeing him last a very long time in this game. This whole time ASSley is beaming, reciting Miley Cyrus lyrics in her head I'm sure. She's thrilled all the heat is on Ben and off of her.

If you missed any of the Tribal magic last night or just want to relive it again, please to enjoy:
Special thanks to whitebobcat for the clip!

Probst finally breaks up the dilly dallying and tells the bitches to vote. By a vote of 4-1, Ben is the third person voted out of Survivor Samoa.

And there you have it. What did you guys think of last night's episode? Do you think Dreads made a smart choice keeping his girls happy? Do you think Galu's winning streak will last? How many of you are growing your own fabulous curly mullets now? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!