Friday, October 9, 2009

Frickin' Bocce Ball!


Somewhere Ben Browning is pressing his white sheets with a big smile on his face. Banjo music is playing is in head while he vacuums his double wide and irons his ceremonial robes. His sister, er I mean girlfriend, is watching Maury in the background and cleaning her gun with saliva and Crisco. It's just a typical Friday morning in the Browning household as they prepare for the big festivities tonight. The Mrs. will be wearing her best Skynyrd shirt and preparing quite the squirrel feast for her man later. Romance in the woods... it sure is lovely, but not nearly as a lovely as a clucking warrior princess in an island paradise.


Our episode begins with Foa Foa returning from Tribal Council. Jaison should be pleased he got his way, but the little bitch boy is actually complaining about being tired and hungry. Seriously? We're only like 8 days into the game and you're bitching already? I had such high hopes for Jaison, but as soon as he uttered the phrase, "Coming here was the worst decision I've made in my entire life." I began to fashion a dart board with his face in the center of it. People who go on reality shows and then complain about said reality show have no business in my world. Like lepers they should be corralled and taken to an island of their own. The island will be called Bitchtopia and past America's Next Top Model contestants (i.e. Ebony), Big Brother Houseguests (i.e. Daniele Donato), Top Design Gays (i.e. Eddie), Amazing Race Teams (i.e. The Redheads), Real World Cast Members (i.e. Aiiyah), etc will inhabit the island spending their days bitching and moaning about how they deserve better. They're frightfully contagious so they definitely need to be kept away from the general population. Although I can't help but think that a Live Feed of Bitchtopia would be something I'd totally sign up for.


After hearing Jaison's little temper tantrum, Lucifer (Russell H.) utters the phrase that pays, "If Ben had stayed, Jaison would have quit the game. What kind of a man is that? I'm willing to get rid of Jaison. I've got it all under my thumb now." As evil and wicked as Lucifer is, I agree with him wholeheartedly. I have a zero tolerance policy when people quit or complain about their own reality shows so I must bid adieu to Jaison. You are no longer in my good graces. You'll need to make a HUGE surprisingly brilliant power move to win me back and I just don't see that happening. Go back to your law studies and spend your free time matching your favorite Chardonnay to some plaid shorts. You and I are over. I don't care how articulate you are.


Cue theme song where for the first time in 19 seasons I didn't dance. Instead I sat on my bed and pouted over what Jaison and I could have been. Only a pale legged Harley riding goddess can lift my spirits now. Enter Shambo! She's back at Galu and she's one unhappy princess. No one at Galu appreciates all that Shambo has to offer. Sure, she's grumpy and she loses snorkel equipment, but bitch has a mullet on her that would be worshipped in some cultures. Show The Shambo some respect! She regales her tribe with tales of her time over at Foa Foa where she was adored and made a saint. If she lasts to the Merge she knows she's golden and that a feast of berries and nuts is imminent. Call me crazy, but a Shambo/Lucifer alliance... Are you with me? Are you envisioning it? Shucifer would be heaven on earth!


OK so Shambo is back home and Erik is all over her ass. He wants her to tell him the clues she received about the Immunity Idol because he's quite positive that the clues for Foa Foa will also apply to Galu. Erik is feeling all superior for coming up with his genius plan to find the Idol when Rocket Boy (John) sidles up and asks Shambo the same exact question. Looks like Erik wasn't so innovative after all. Shambo, not having a bad bone in her body and desperate for conversation with anyone, tells the boys what the clues said verbatim and she's thrilled some of her tribe have finally taken an interest in her. She thinks that, in the end, sharing her information will help her. She's so "glass is half full" that I crumble up the hate letter I was writing to Jaison and begin to knit a faux mullet hat for winter instead.


Anyhow, both tribes receive Tree Mail and are instructed to have their Chiefs choose 2 people to go on a mission that might result in more food. Mick chooses Lucifer and Natalie and Dreads chooses Shambo and Danger Dave. The tribes head on over to some beach where Dimples Probst is nowhere to be found. They stand there scratching their heads wondering what to do and I can't help but picture Probst passed out in a Samoan opium den with his safari green shirt wide open while a Samoan lady of the night tries to pleasure him. The fantasies my filthy mind are constructing about Off Duty Probst would shock you and make you wonder why I'm not a bestselling novelist... or at least a frequent contributer to Penthouse Forum, but I digress.


Dimples is nowhere to be found and the only things on the beach are a pirate's chest and a cage full of chickens. Lucifer figures that something must be up so he bolts for the chest. Seeing Lucifer strike, Dave jumps into action and reaches the chest first. In response, Shambo lunges toward the chicken cage. She grabs the chickens one by one, holds them upside down, and stands poised to chop their heads off. Chill Shambo! Danger Dave finds a letter in the chest and reads it aloud. He tells Shambo to put the chickens back and let them live. She'll have to wait until later to smear their blood on her face. In the letter the tribes are instructed to play a little game of Bocce Ball. Each tribe member will take turns throwing 3 colored balls as close as they can to a flag in the sand. The chiefs will throw first, ladies second, and dudes third.


Mick easily beats Dreads in the first round. In the second round, Natalie is careful not to accidentally hit Mick's ball out of position. Shambo completely chokes and throws all her balls into the ocean (no not really, but she might as well have). The only thing that saved me weeping for Shambo was when she reprimanded herself and called herself "Shannon Lee". My heart swelled a teeny tiny bit at that moment. Next up his Lucifer and the thick rich fires of hell were burning brightly for him when he shot his ball the closest. It's all up to Danger Dave now. He's quiet, he's meditative, and he's taking his time. Out of nowhere Dreads pipes up and starts to do a cheerleading routine for Dave. Dave snaps at Dreads, kicks sand in his face, and tries to get back into his zone. His first ball blows. His second ball bites. It's all down to his last ball... he launches that bitch and it lands immediately flush to the damn flag. GALU WINS REWARD! Seriously, that was the most amazing throw I've ever seen. Danger Dave really pulled that one out of nowhere and I immediately begin to like him a little bit and wonder if I've underestimated him. Lucifer snarls and shouts, "We can't even pull off frickin' Bocce Ball!" and little innocent puppies everywhere panic and seek sanctuary.


Meanwhile back at Galu, it's nap time. Erik is overjoyed Dreads is gone for a while because it gives him a chance to look for the Immunity Idol. He drugs everyone with Belladonna (much like Sandra Bullock did in Practical Magic) and when they're all passed out, he begins to search the trees for the Idol. Rocket Boy is in a nearby hammock and he begins to stir and flutter his lashes. Erik gave him a double dose of the sedative so John passes right back out leaving Erik to search the camp uninterrupted. Erik climbs a tree or two, reaches his hand inside some stumps, and wouldn't you know it? The bastard actually FINDS THE IDOL! Sure, he's probably teeming with sexually transmitted diseases, but I can't begrudge him that great find he just pulled off. Every season that Idol brings something new to the table and I'm sort of in love with the dual preemptive Idol Searches that have gone on thus far. I'm really hoping that in the next couple of weeks Lucifer and Erik start to create some false Idols to throw everyone off. There's nothing I love more than a false Idol revealed at Tribal Council.


The fierce competitors are now heading back to their tribes and Dreads is busy running his mouth to Shambo about whether or not she knows how to handle chickens. Shambo assures Dreads that she's the Chicken Whisperer and they head back to Galu with their bounty. Oh, at this point, I've completely turned on Dreads by the way. His constant peacemaking coupled with the fact that his Facebook is filled with "I have no regrets" remarks (in reference to choosing comfort over function last week) have officially made him annoying to me. There's something about him that's really rubbing me the wrong way and I think I've finally pinpointed what it is. He's a nice guy and I'm sure he has good intentions, but he's extremely phony to me. It's like he's playing a character and I can't help but be bothered by it. I'm sure he's lovely and kind in real life, but I'm going off what he's giving me on the show and, thus far, he's bugging me. By the end of the episode I'll be completely satisfied in my change of heart about him, but I'm jumping ahead. Let's get back to Shambo...


So the bitches get back to Galu and everyone starts cheering and hooting over the chicken win. Danger Dave is thrilled he kicked major ass in Bocce Ball, but he's being cautious and doesn't want to appear too cocky. Good for you Dave! Early on I compared you to Coach, but I take it all back. I'm really liking your restraint and I can see you weasling your way into my heart before the game is done. Keep it up and don't do anything stupid. Anyhow, Shambo reads a note that the chickens are names Daisy, Ella, and Millie. They like to eat coconut and will lay lots of eggs if you treat them right. Shambo is up for the challenge and promises to keep them supplied with fresh water and lots of mullet love. The scene ends with Shambo clucking sweet nothings to the chickens.


Over at Foa Foa, Lucifer is busy rethinking his alliances. He's decided to dump Jaison for Natalie and I can honestly say I don't blame him. He tells us that Natalie is simply riding his coat tail's and if it came down to the two of them he'll surely win because he's the mastermind. He's doing an interview trashing Natalie and he says the funniest thing ever... "She's riding me like a horse." He pauses, stops, thinks about what he just said, and bursts out laughing at the sexual innuendo. It's a touching moment where we see Lucifer's tender little perverted underbelly. In her own interview, Natalie mumbles some shit about being smarter than she looks and I just roll my eyes.


Back at Galu, Shambo is deep in conversation with the chickens when Erik muses about wanting to eat one. Well, one of the chickens must have heard him because one escapes and Shambo starts screaming, "Escaped chicken emergency! 911!" Erik is secretly thrilled because this gives him an excuse to kill it. The whole tribe is busy scrambling to catch the chicken, but it flies up into the trees and sticks it tongue out at Erik. Erik spits in disgust and runs to chop it's head off when he's literally clotheslined by the damn clothes line. That'll teach you not to fight with a chicken! Shambo, unphased, is clucking to the trees trying to get the chicken down and Dreads promptly begins to trash Shambo to the cameras. Reason #2 why I don't like him. The tribe is all pretty pissed off at her at this point and I seriously begin to worry about her safety if Galu loses the Immunity Challenge.


Thankfully, we get a Kelly scene. She's so cute! Kelly is busy slaving away at a coconut trying to get to it's sweet nectar while Yasmin just sits there asking to drink some. Kelly lies to her and says there's no milk then scampers off to the others to share the fruits of her hard work. Miss Kelly is unthrilled with lazy ass Yasmin and she has no problem sharing her disdain with her tribemates. She tells them how Yasmin hasn't lifted a finger at camp and how it's really pissing her off. Good job Kelly. Lay the groundwork.


Now we arrive at the big Immunity Challenge. Probst is back and he's looking particularly fetching in one of his trademark button down shirts. He tells the tribes that they will race across a net carrying wooden blocks. When they get to the platform, they will stack the wooden blocks on top of one another. Then they will race across a rope bridge and stack a second pile of blocks even higher. Anyone else notice how a lot of these challenges have to do with stacking things? Anyhow, the first tribe to get across the net and ropes, stack their two towers, and have them stand for at least 5 seconds wins. Shambo, Laura, Dave, and Dreads all sit out for Galu.


Survivors ready. Go! Rocket Boy flies over the net for Galu and Asian Liz is in front for Foa Foa. Both tribes are neck in neck when they arrive at their mats. Foa Foa gets to work quickly and Galu lifts Kelly in the air like the goddess she is. Foa Foa copies Galu and lifts Natalie. The two blondes go to work on their towers and Galu finishes first, taking off for the rope bridge. Foa Foa finishes shortly thereafter and races to catch up.


Rocket Boy continues to do surprisingly well while Jaison struggles for his tribe. Yasmin and Erik fly across their rope bridge and have a huge lead against Foa Foa. Monica approaches the bridge and takes teeny tiny little snail's pace steps while over at Foa Foa, Natalie is making up for lost time. Kelly literally cruises across her rope making up a little bit for Monica's incompetence. Lucifer is up next and he's absolutely hysterical. His short little stumpy legs are moving a mile a minute while he scampers across the rope lightening quick with no problem. The teams are now tied again as they reach their second platform.


Galu tears into their bags, but Foa Foa can't even untie a damn knot. Galu gets into their cheerleading pyramids and they nail their liberties (yes, that's what those poses are called). Kelly is perched high trying to stack her blocks while Natalie is standing on the super tall Jaison trying to build Foa Foa's tower. Both girls are struggling with the final blocks and FOA FOA WINS IMMUNITY! Just as the challenge ends some rain clouds come rolling in. Dimples tells Galu the clouds are just for them and I can't help but laugh. He gets slightly more evil which each passing season.


Back at Galu, tensions run high. Dreads is wasting no time throwing Monica under the bus. She did shitty in the challenge and he wants her gone. Normally, I wouldn't have a problem with this logic, but Dreads didn't even compete! Who is he to point fingers? Dreads is under some misguided idea that since he's Chief, what he says goes. Not so fast Sparky. Over at the other side of the tribe, Danger Dave mentions Shambo's name for a brief second (crushing my soul) but decides to switch it up to Yasmin. Shambo may have screwed up with the chickens, but at least she busts her ass doing work in the tribe. Erik agrees and tries to get Rocket Boy to vote out Yasmin. Rocket Boy is scared to go against Dreads wishes and Erik simply saunters up to Dreads telling him that people are leaning towards voting out Yasmin. Dreads is PISSED and doesn't understand how the tribe can go against their Chief. A) The chief is nothing more than a figure head. B) You're a lousy Chief and 3) Yasmin is a lazy bitch. Dreads interprets the tribe going against his wishes as everyone having an alliance behind his back. Erik assures him that's not the case and Dreads stomps off wondering why his tribe doesn't trust him.


I sit back happy in my plan to turn on Dreads because he's seriously a crappy Chief. Mick isn't pulling the power shit Dreads is pulling over at Foa Foa. A good chief would have chosen function last week. I'm thinking the word "mutiny" will be a big part of Dreads' vocabulary in the coming weeks. The tribe is officially divided over sending home either Monica and Yasmin and I immediatley cover myself in glitter knowing that Shambo is safe.


At Tribal Council, Dimples asks Galu about the mood back at camp. Shambo tells him that everyone was deep in conversation on their beach. Brett, who I totally forgot was even there, chimes in and calls out Yasmin for being lazy. Yasmin rolls her eyes in response and Dimples calls her on it. Yasmin says, "I didn't roll my eyes but I'll give you my opinion if you want it." Dimples gives her the floor and instead of making a case for herself she points out her heels she wore especially for Jeff. Uh bitch... Jeff doesn't vote!


Dreads chimes in saying they need to stay strong for challenges and Yasmin points at Monica for being weak. Monica, clearly drunk on fermented coconut milk, announces she did great in the challenge. Dimples ignores her and asks Danger Dave what he thinks. Dave says, "Ultimately what's good for the tribe is good for me." His response is so cryptic and neutral that I kind of love him for it. With that the bitches are told to vote. By a vote of 6-2, the fourth person voted out of Survivor Samoa is Yasmin. Yes! I couldn't stand her.


That's the fat. That's the skinny. Are you happy with how the vote went? Do you think Galu will divide over this decision? How do you think Dreads will react? Has your opinion of Jaison changed? Do you forgive Shambo for losing a chicken? Have your thoughts towards Erik and Danger Dave changed? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


Big ginormous sloppy thanks to Allen Stone who manages to isolate all the best quotes each week which I promptly steal and use for my blog titles. This one's for you!


Another super special shout out to all the Baby Makers! You ladies are the best cheerleaders and I love you for it. Big kisses!