Friday, October 16, 2009

Chicken Of The Sea?



In the wake of little boys not flying away in balloons and tiny babies actually being crushed unharmed by speeding trains, it almost seems silly to talk about a big douche of a Chief with horrifying decision making skills. Aw hell, who am I kidding? I can't wait to rip this guy a new one. Last week I began my slow assault on the ineffectiveness of Russell Swan AKA Dreads and today I'm turning it into an out and out hate fest. If ever America reverts back to a primal land where tribes attack each other and steal one another's corn and women, let me assure you that you will find me nowhere near the tribe accomodating Mr. Swan. That voice that's hindered by insecurity and the thought process that's clearly run by a bad ass bitch of a woman (someone I'd like to meet and shake hands with btw) has no place in Survivor and, if the rumors I'm hearing are true, he will be hitting the trail sooner rather than later. More on that shortly. Let's recap, shall we?

The scene opens under the dark cover of night. Galu is returning from their first Tribal Council and a lone Warrior Princess sits stunned wondering what the hell just happened. She thought the plan was to vote out Monica. She was only following her Chief's orders. How could she have been so wrong and so duped? Shambo precious, you did nothing wrong. Douchey McCunty Dreads decided at the last minute to switch his vote and now he's in the running for the Nobel Coward Prize. Didn't Dreads threaten to turn on everyone who went against him and voted out Monica? Uh oh... you hear that? It's my Hypocradar. For those of you new to the Bitchy world, my Hypocradar is a finely tuned sonar device (not unlike what dolphin's have) that I have implanted in my brain. It beeps incessantly when anyone anywhere performs an act of hypocrisy. Dreads threatened to unleash on anyone who voted out Yasmin so naturally I sat patiently waiting for Dreads to repeatedly punch himself in the face or yank out his dreadlocks one by one. When that didn't happen my Hypocradar went nuts and I penned letters to Whoopi Goldberg, Zach De La Rocha, Lenny Kravitz, that Counting Crows dude, and Ziggy Marley urging them to rethink their hairstyles. Yes, one man can ruin it for everybody especially if said man has been dubbed "Dreads" by me.

Shambo is understandably shaken yet she holds her head high and assures us that all she needs is a good night sleep. She's so Scarlett O'Hara when she declares she'll worry about it tomorrow. The 90210 crew all talk about how socially awkard Shambo is and I almost, I repeat almost, cancelled my subscription to the Shannen Doherty Fan Club. Monica is pissed that Shambo voted against her and in some unaired footage we also discover that she's pissed at Dreads too. Thank god! Lay the blame where it belongs Pocahontas. I don't particularly like Monica, but I can appreciate anyone who puts down Dreads at this point.

Please to enjoy:






After the opening credits, we return to Galu to find Erik exfoliating in the ocean. Well, the ocean she is a female and she doesn't like self righteous "mixologist" womanizers scrubbing their nasty skin into her potentially ferocious waves. She kicked back, got mad, and promptly knocked STD Erik on his ass face first into her luscious foamy goodness. Like Pele roaring for sacrifices in Hawaii, Ms. Pacific bared her fangs and clawed her way into a temper tantrum. "The sea was angry that day my friends" (Mini Quiz: Where does that quote come from and who said it?)


Over at Foa Foa, Jaison and Ashley are also noticing that something is amiss with the normally gentle ocean. Ashley asks, "Is there a Hurricane out there?" Yes Ashley, there is and her name is Demise. Their frightened stares out into the vast abyss are interrupted by Tree Mail. The clue is pretty straightforward and the tribes are forewarned to prepare for a food challenge. Oh joyous day! Watching arrogant reality show contestants puke their guts out is a precious gift from heaven covered in frosting and dipped in diamonds. Apparently, Asian Liz doesn't feel the same the way I do and announces, "Oh no! We're going to have eat gross stuff from the ocean!" Meanwhile ASSley is somewhere filing her nails saying she's not worried because she's an "experimental eater". Eating grilled chicken instead of fried from KFC isn't exactly "experimental" ASSley. Shut your trap and go braid your hair some more.



Lucifer (Russell H.) pulls Asian Liz to the side and expresses concern over how she'll participate in the Food Challenge. She assures him that she'll eat whatever is in front of her and that the one he should be worried about is ASSley who's too scared to even eat a coconut. That's all Lucifer needed. Armed with his ammo, he runs to Jaison and Mick and tells them that Liz is "planting seeds" against ASSley even before the challenge has started. In actuality, Lucifer is the one planting seeds here. I mean, who does he think he's kidding? Asian Liz thinks for herself and she's a woman. In Lucifer's mind this translates into: She must be destroyed. He tells the viewing public that he's the only one allowed to play mind games not Liz. He needs to eliminate her ASAP. While his logic is a little convoluted and it definitely sets off my Hypocradar a teeny tiny bit, he's right. She is a threat to him and he would do well to get her out before she can turn on him.



Now that everyone is sufficiently paranoid, they march off to their challenge where Dimples Probst tells them, "The good news is today you will eat." Oh Dimples, you're so punny. The tribes are told they will spin a wheel, roll a ball, and will have to swallow a blended version of whatever the balls land on. It's called a Samoa Smoothie (probably to the chagrin of the owner of the local Samoan Robeck's) and whichever tribe drinks the most smoothies wins a grand Barbecue with lots of steak and sausages. The winning tribe also has to send one of it's members to the losing tribe for a "spy mission". That member will miss out on the feast. As Galu has too many people, Chief Useless decides to sit out Kelly, Laura, and Rocket Boy.



First up is Shambo v. Jaison. They land on giant clam and "Jeff's Choice". Dimples squeals, giggles, claps his hands and adds octopus, sea snails, noni juice and seaweed to the mixture. Shambo announces "Yummy!" and armed with her stellar attitude and curly goodness she swallows that shit down with no fuss. Meanwhile High Maintenance Jaison has some minor problems with his last gulp and holds it in while fighting the urge the hurl everywhere. In the end, he gets it down and the tribes are tied 1-1.



Next is Dreads v. Lucifer or, in layman's terms, The Battle Of The Russell's. They both land on jellyfish and I immediately shuddered. I hate jellyfish. Years ago at the beach it was jellyfish season and everywhere you looked those little bastards were. They looked like plastic bags in the water and, in some cases, some were plastic bags. Goddamn litterers. I stood there in waist deep water swatting at the bags/fish only to discover that when I swatted at the water the after effect also looked like a jelly fish! There I was trapped in jellyfish hell too scared to move. Yes I got stung. Of course I got stung! I've never been back in the Atlantic Ocean since. Jellyfish scare me more than sharks much like the movie SCREAM scares me much more than THE EXORCIST. Makes zero sense I know, but that's what makes me so lovable. In the end, Dreads gets his smoothie down first and only after Foa Foa shouts to Lucifer, "Think about the steak!" does he get his smoothie down as well. We're still tied at 2-2.


Round 3 is Brett v. Mick. They get sea cucumber and giant clam to which Dimples adds milk. Mick sucks that shit down like it's a desperately needed personality and Brett, possibly aware of how boring he is, proceeds to lick his glass and swirl his tongue everywhere. Lick all you want buddy, you're still just extra weight with almost zero air time. The game is still tied at 3-3.


Next up is Pocahantas v. Asian Liz. They get sea urchin with the nastiest unblended sea noodle as a garnish. Seriously, what the hell is a sea noodle? It looks like something I puked up when I got sick from sushi on my birthday 2 years ago. Anyone in Northern VA reading this would be wise to avoid the Sushi restaurant located at the Reston Towncenter. I'm just saying. Anyhow, they both get it down and the tie continues. 4-4


We're down to our last 2 contestants. If they both get their smoothies down, the game will go to a tie breaker (knowing Dimples that probably meant puppy hearts and pony hooves). It's all riding on Iron Stomach Experimental Eater ASSley and Danger Dave. They get the dreaded sea slug guts to which ASSley says, "Awesome. That's what I want." In an effort to psych out ASSley, Dave asks if the guts are kidneys and livers. I giggled but Ashley just plugged her nose. Almost immediately Dave starts retching with his whole body convulsing. ASSley turns away and covers her ears. Danger Dave surprisingly gets his smoothie down and now it's all hinging on ASSley. Erik, in a stroke of genius, shouts that ASSley's concoction looks like vomit. As much as I dislike STD Boy, occasionally he pulls out a genius maneuver (i.e. finding the Idol) and kind of gets me on his side. Heckling ASSley was one of those maneuvers. It works. ASSley can't get it down and she runs to the bushes to puke. GALU WINS REWARD!


Now we arrive at the big decision. Who will Dreads send to spend the night with Foa Foa? Who will Dreads completely screw over? Surely he won't choose someone who has just competed right? I mean, what on earth would compel him to send away someone who just helped him win the challenge? Isn't it just logical to send someone who didn't compete? Well, logic isn't a friend of Dreads. Stupidity is. Pure unadulterated weak ass stupidity is the only thing that can explain what happened next. Chief Top Of My Shit List decides to send Shambo over to Foa Foa. Shambo, glistening and curly, turns to Dreads and says, "Excuse me? I don't think it's fair since I've already been." Chief Thumb Up His Ass stammers and mutters managing to make no sense at all and just shakes his head. Are you shitting me? This guy has the balls to send away a woman who just helped him win yet he's too chicken to tell her straight to her face the reason why?!? What a completely weak and pathetic pussy boy! Only after Shambo dutifully goes over to Foa Foa does Chief Penisless mutter under his breath, "You had to pay for that chicken."


Back at Foa Foa, Shambo, close to tears, tells the tribe that they're all sweethearts. They apologize for not having steak to give her and Shambo utters the most perfect phrase ever, "I'll take a group hug instead." Oh. My. God. Have you ever wanted to erect a statue in her honor more than at that very moment? I've already begun mine. It's made of gouda, feathers, cotton candy, and pine cones. It's kind of reminiscent of that meat statue Marianne made on True Blood for her horned god only mine has stadium lighting and fairies flying around it. Shambo's resilience and refusal to let the man get her down is an inspiration. I have a feeling Shambo has dealt with a lot of adversity in her life and I'm happy to flaunt and praise her goodness here for all to enjoy and cherish.


Over at Galu, Chief Bitch Boy makes another speech. He has a habit of doing this when he knows in his heart of hearts that he's just fucked up. So yeah he makes a speech about Shambo losing their chicken and, in all honesty, I missed the tail end of it. I was busy fashioning my Dreads voodoo doll out of soap made from the pig fat of the original swine flu carriers. All I know is he ended his speech shouting, "Let's eat!" Now that's all nice and good if you can manage to make a fucking fire to cook your meat, but this is Chief Special Ed we're talking about here. Dude couldn't make a fire if lighter fluid and a match were in his pocket. Danger Dave, trying to be helpful, gives Dreads some tips as to how to successfully light a fire. Chief I'm Not Listening acts like an 8 year old and refuses to listen to Dave. In fact, he manages to turn the tables and accuse Dave of doing a lot of talking without any action. Oh. Hell. No. Look Chief Suck My Left Titty, give Dave the damn materials to make the fire and he'll do it in two seconds! Stop your bitching and moaning, get off your fat ass, and admit you can't do it.


After much bickering to which Dave is essentially forced to apologized, Erik steps in and hands Dave the flint and voila! We have fire! I think Dreads should have been immediately punished and sent to sit out the meal in a box in an attic above the garage, but noooo he gets to sit there and stuff his face. Dave smirks to himself knowing he rocks and tells us, "I'm just trying to downplay my awesomeness." and with that I'm officially now on Team Danger Dave. He's surprised me immensely and I really admire his attitude and restraint. I'm throwing a ponytail themed rave if he manages to get that idiot Dreads out.

Over in Shambo Country, she's busy telling the whole Foa Foa tribe all three of the Immunity Idol clues. All arrows are pointing to the tree where, as we all know, no Idol will be found. Shambo immediately assumes Hillbilly Ben had the Idol and took it home with him. Asian Liz thinks differently and stupidly decides to take her suspicions to the culprit himself, Lucifer. She asks him point blank if he has the Idol and he says no. The fires of hell burned a little brighter at that exact moment, but I digress. Liz then proceeds to call Lucifer a liar to his face. Oh no she di'in't! Oh yes she did and Lucifer is PISSED. He tells her she's walking on thin ice (and we all know how well thin ice would do in hell), waddles away, and tells us at home that she just basically slapped in his face calling him a liar. Safely from my bed, I'm thinking, "Yeah what a bitch!" and then it hit me... Lucifer is the one lying not Liz! Damn him. He always manages to suck me in and gets me thisclose to signing my name in blood on a weighty contract for my soul.

Both tribes endure a miserable night in the cold rain and over at Galu, they're a little extra ticked off. Kelly says they should have taken the tarp instead of the pillows and I did my I Told You So Dance while clutching Dreads' voodoo doll. Useless a-hole. The rain continues the next day throughout the entire Immunity Challenge. The tribes are instructed that one man and one woman will hold onto nets where the opposing tribe will shoot coconuts into the nets until they're forced let go from the weight. Haven't they done a version of this challenge over and over again almost every season? Whoever is the Challenge Master needs to get of his/her ass and come up with something new.

Galu sits out Shambo, Dave, and Brett. Shambo was clutching her wrists showing her oddly lavendar colored palms. What was going on with her hands? Is Shambo injured? Is this something I need to be concerned about?

OK so holding the ropes for Foa Foa is Lucifer and Asian Liz and, for Galu, it's Dreads and Laura. The challenge itself was pretty boring with Galu kicking ass right of the gate. They systematically targeted Lucifer and then Liz. What caught my attention wasn't the challenge itself, but the editing. It was like a music video portion on an episode of Baywatch. Each episode of Baywatch featured a music video like segment where no words were exchanged just slow running and a cheesy soundtrack. Survivor fans got something similar to that last night with weird little tribesmen running to and fro across the screen clutching coconuts. It was stupid and I hated it. Survivor would do well never to pull that shit again. Anyhow, Lucifer dropped his net first with Liz letting go not long after that. GALU WINS IMMUNITY!

Poor Foa Foa. At this point I'm over them losing just as much as they are. There's lot of dead weight over at Galu that needs to be eliminated, namely DREADS, and I wouldn't mind seeing them lose more often. Anyhow, it's a hell of a storm out in Samoa and the whole tribe is forced to huddle together in their rickety shelter allowing for zero strategizing. ASSley tries to get them to talk about the vote, but everyone ignores her and chooses to shiver instead.

Fast forward to a boring uneventful Tribal Council where everyone gives cliche stock answers to Jeff's questions. Can you tell I'm so over this episode at this point? So yeah, by a vote of 4-1, the fifth person voted out of Survivor Samoa is ASSley. Good. I'm glad she's gone. She's brought nothing to the table and I predicted early on that she wouldn't last very long. What I really want to discuss is next week's medical emergency. The rumors I'm hearing are pointing to... anyone care to guess? If it's true consider my no-no tickled... drum roll please... DREADS! I'm not 100% sure, but the chatter I'm picking up is pointing to Dreads being the second medical evacutaion. That's divine providence if you ask me. Even the heavens above know you don't diss a Shambo. I can sit here and devilishly wish him to get hurt next week only because I know he's alive and well right now. He posts douchey things all the time over on his Facebook fanpage so he's just fine healthwise.

Are you guys hating Dreads as much as I am? Why the hell didn't you tools comment it out last week? You guys know by now how I turn green and rip my shirt off when I don't get comments. Mr. O gets punished and now I'm armed with a method to tick him off even more. I have 2 words for you: Silver Balloon. Don't leave me hanging bitches. Let me know what you're thinking. Am I off my rocker in my Shambo love? Did you guys actually like ASSley? Let's get a discussion going guys. Oh and comments on my Facebook page DO NOT COUNT you cheaters! You have to leave one here. It's the new law.