Friday, October 30, 2009

There's A New Chief In Town


"Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well." Gandhi

Gandhi. Some old bald guy who tried to overcome tyranny with peace and hummus (I think). He sought to rule through love and compassion and, if I'm not mistaken, this little spicy curry was reincarnated last night in the form of a mulletted goddess we've all come to know and love as "Shambo". Her reign will be short. It will be brief, but the goodness she spreads can last a lifetime. Let's recap, shall we?

The rain has stopped, a useless poor decision making Chief is gone, and Galu is left to scratch their heads wondering, "Where we do we go from here?" Armed with STD's and attitude, Erik talks about losing Dreads and, in absolute divine providence, replacing his useless ass with Shambo. The universe sure has a sense of humor, doesn't it? To have Dreads, anti-Shambo to the core, be replaced with the object of his hate calls for some gin popsicles and a Gossip Girl marathon or something. It was irony personified, wrapped in kitten fur, and dipped in liquid Vicodin. Personally, I felt it was justice, but Erik was simply trying to keep the gender breakdown in his favor. You see, herpified Erik covered in misogyny, has assumed that the genders will separate and vote with each other. Losing Dreads makes the man count down to four. Nominating Shambo as Chief gets her on the boy's side and tips the gender scales yet again in the males favor. Erik declares, "We have to make sure Shambo is one of the dude's." My first thought? She can outdude you any day dude.

Erik is anxious to get Shambo inducted as the new Chief so he hastily puts together a little election. Each member of the tribe is assigned a number. Each person will vote for the number of the tribe mate they want elected. Well, the Testosterone Club had met beforehand and all agreed that recruiting Shambo was the move that needed to be made. They decide they'll reward her for her loyalty by carrying her to the Jury. Shambo doesn't need to be carried! She'll be marching to the sound of her own personal drumline all the way to the finale if I have anything to say about it (which I don't). OK so Shambo is assigned the number three (for the father, son, and holy spirit living inside her) and it's a clean sweep. With a majority of four votes, Shambo is Galu's new Chief! I clapped, squealed, dipped my body in glitter, and gyrated to the Sapphic tunes of one Ms. Melissa Etheridge.

Pochantas (Monica), having voted with her middle finger, says, "I thought the way they elected leader was stupid." Oh shut up you stupid bitch! Pocahantas was under the impression that Shambo would have gone home last Tribal Council had they gone through with a vote so she's basically feeling flummoxed and betrayed. Seriously, has this chick offered anything other than consistent bitching and moaning since she's arrived? No, she hasn't. She knows Shambo doesn't care for her and she's shaking in her teeny tiny bikini top wondering how much time she has left.

Shambo, on the other hand, has a war to win, friends to make, and spirits to lift. She's taking her new assignment VERY seriously and vows to rule with kindness and motivation unlike her predecessor. She announces she'll never be bossy and, like the Buddha, will make compassion her first order of business. Yes, I know she's slightly delusional and that her tribe is essentially laughing at her at this point, but, thankfully, Shambo is blissfully unaware that she's a punchline. Finally Shambo is receiving the attention she so desperately wanted and it's sort of heartbreaking to know that the Boy's Club is simply toying with her. I imagine this is what dorks in school had to deal with when popular kids would use them to cheat on homework assignments. It's like in Grease 2 when the T-Birds had Michael Carrington doing their papers for them. At first he thought they really liked him only to discover that they were using him. It didn't take Michael long to uncover the truth and use it to his advantage which makes me hopeful that Shambo will one day take off her rose colored glasses and fight back. I'm waiting (semi-patiently) for Shambo to get her Stephanie Zinoni on and sing for her C-O-O-L R-I-D-E-R. (If you didn't understand the last half of that paragraph at all, shame on you! Go rent Grease 2 now and ammend your inadequacy.)

This brings us to the Reward Challenge where Jeff asks Shambo if she's shocked she was elected Chief. Jeff you ninny! Shambo lives in a land of puppy dog tails, trust, honesty, perpetual light, and The L Word (best show ever!) running on a constant loop. Why in the world would Shambo doubt the intentions of her tribe? The woman who doesn't have a mean bone in her body assumes everyone else is just like her. This is why we find her charming and erect monuments in her honor. She's basically just a really good person at heart and when, as an audience, we're confronted with such an image we can't turn away. Naturally, Shambo tells Jeff that she's not surprised at all by her new assignment and she proceeds to outline her motto of ruling with decorum and grace keeping everything positive and calm. If she wasn't so steadfast in her beliefs we might laugh at her, but we don't and we all feel a little better inside for our restraint.

OK so the Challenge is kind of like 52 Pick Up. The tribes have to make matches among numerous hidden "survival" items. A point will be rewarded for each match with an option to keep any of their matches. Keeping a match will forfeit one point. The winning tribe wins a trip on a sailboat where they'll enjoy a savory meal and pillage a small village or something. Shambo decides to sit out herself, Kelly, and Dave. Did you see that Dreads? She sat out herself! Jeff asks her who she wants to act as Chief in her place and she chooses Erik. Logical enough, since Erik seems to be running the show, but noooooo. Danger Dave has a little hissy fit (which I totally didn't understand) and demands that Shambo picks Brett instead. Brett? Seriously? I look at Brett and I say, "What have you done for me lately?" Dude has hardly gotten any air time and when he does he's mainly just filler material until something more interesting happens. Some important Brett move must have been left out somewhere for Dave to react so passionately. It was very strange, but Shambo was unphased. She simply said, "I stand corrected. Brett will be acting Chief." I now know where all of Jackie O's grace went when she died... into Shambo's heart, that's where!

The Challenge begins with various tribe members uncovering a fire starting kit, a rope, a cleaver, a lantern and oil, a mosquito net, etc. Laura makes the first match for Galu when she successfully uncovers both firestarting kits. Brett decides to keep the kits and forfeit the point to which Shambo remarks, "Thank God." The game continues with Galu maintaining a one point lead for most of the game. It comes down to Galu needing just one point to win and, much to Foa Foa's dismay, Pocahantas seals the deal matching up eating utensils and GALU WINS REWARD! Phew! I knew if Galu had lost that, they would have found some way to blame Shambo so I'm thrilled they won. I also couldn't wait to see who Shambo would choose to spend the night with Foa Foa and miss the reward. I was fully expecting her to pick Pochantas, but in a turn of events she picks Laura instead. Huh. Interesting choice. I can deal with that. Laura is some sort of fanatical Christian who totally rubbed me the wrong way in her introduction video so "Send the bitch away!" I say. Good riddance.

Back at Foa Foa, Useless Mick (I refuse to call him McDreamy) is convinced that there is a pox on his tribe. He attributes all his losses to a voodoo curse or some sort of hex. Sounds like my mom. Whenever things aren't going her way she runs to her nearest psychic for an explanation. She always comes back with a smile on her face and a new crystal for me. In addition to being spoiled rotten, I was raised on Sylvia Browne, James Van Praague and going to psychic fairs to align my chakras. Overprivileged and psychically aware... a winning combo! OK so yeah Laura is now at Foa Foa and grab your bibles bitches, it's Christian time!

The Foa Foa bitches treat Laura very respectfully and they ooze niceness. Lucifer, on the other hand, sees nothing but opportunity. He knows a Merge is imminent and his tribe numbers are down. In order to have a devil's chance in hell of surviving the coming weeks, he needs to increase his numbers and get recruiting. He immediately invites Laura to go crab hunting with him where he reveals his dad is a pastor (uhh no, his dad is Satan) and he can "spot a good Christian anytime." Of course he can spot a good Christian! He's been trained all his life to burn them in eternal damnation and use their blood to make signs of the devil all over his body. He was raised on Catholics for lunch and Protestants for dinner. Unfortunately for Laura, she trusts Lucifer and proclaims he's her brother from another mother. The conversation ends with Lucifer telling Laura she might as well throw away her Immunity Idol clues. He tells her Ben already found it and hid it somewhere on camp before he left. Laura, hypnotized be the glowing 666 in Lucifer's forehead, believes him numbingly nodding and smiling.

Meanwhile Galu is rowing out to the Pirates Of The Carribean boat where I half expected Johnny Depp to step out and greet them. Unfortunately, Captain Jack makes no such appearance and Galu boards the boat helping the crew raise jibs, set starboards, and steer the head. Can you tell I'm a hardcore sailer? Everyone is blissfully happy enjoying a meaty stew with homemade bread... especially Shambo. She accredits their Pirate Cruise to her chiefdom plain and simple. She's in charge now and with that comes rewards. Pocahantas, eats some crow, and tells Shambo she appreciates not being sent to Foa Foa. Shambo simply mutters that she did the best thing for the tribe and that's all that matters.

Back at Foa Foa, Tammy Faye, errr I mean Laura, is talking Bible book clubs and telling stories of her Christian missions on the back of her Harley. This is where I realized Laura's mistake. Has Laura ever made a move to talk all things hog with Shambo? Does she not know that Shambo dons leather chaps and rides into the wind too? Sure Shambo does it to pick up chicks, but a Harley person is a Harley person and most Harley people bond and stick together right? Maybe Laura is homophobic. If so, the hell with her and with her pocket New Testament. She probably listens to Amy Grant and Kathy Lee Gifford CD's and thinks they're good. Anyhow, Laura is busy bonding with Natalie over the latest Christian book club selection while Asian Liz struggles trying to make a fire. Asian Liz is furious those bitches are talking books when they should be talking all things fire related. She runs to Lucifer (god knows why) and bitches about the book talk. Lucifer tells the viewing audience that he has no problem with Laura chatting with Natalie. Those two are his little play toys and as long as they're happy, he's happy. He needs them for the Merge so he's not about to rock their boat anytime soon. He ends his interview announcing that Liz has a mouth on her.

Galu returns from torching Samoan villages and Laura marches begrudingly back into their unwelcome arms just in time for the Immunity Challenge. Tribes are instructed to paddle out into the water, collect 6 puzzle pieces, paddle back, and piece together a complicated puzzle. Shambo elects to sit out Pocahantas, Laura, and Rocket Boy. Jeff notices that something is amiss with Foa Foa and he asks Useless Mick where his Chief necklace is. Mick tells him that he thinks the necklace is cursed so he left it behind. You'd think I'd laugh at this logic, but oddly enough I understand it. Growing up, whenever I'd wear any jewelry containing opal, something annoying would happy to preteen me and the stone would inevitably break in half. I was convinced that I wasn't meant to wear opal and that their "powers" were messing with my aura or something. To this day you'll never catch me wearing an opal or even touching one so Mick, even though you're useless, I get it. I totally buy the possibility that one of Jeff's Samoan paramours stole the necklace and cursed it sometime in preproduction. It could happen. ;)

OK so the challenge begins and Foa Foa takes a commanding lead. They're hooking puzzle pieces like there's no tomorrow and Danger Dave begins to feel the pressure. Shambo tries to encourage Dave and give him powerful words of wisdom. Dave, frustrated that he's balding, YELLS at Shambo to shut up so he can concentrate. Wha... wha... what?!? Look, I like Dave, but his bossing around Shambo is getting to be a little much. It's not like Shambo was loud and obnoxious rocking the boat every which way. She was calmly saying, "You can do it Dave." You can't tell me that Dreads wouldn't have been there doing the exact same thing only in his weak annoying voice that makes my spine hurt.

Eventually, both teams make it back on shore with Galu slowly catching up to Foa Foa. Foa Foa chose to push their boat into shore while Galu chose to paddle instead. All that pushing must have broken Jaison because he literally crawls back exhausted and close to death. He kicks back and takes a nap while the rest of his tribe frantically tries to solve the puzzle. Over at Galu it's slow going, but they catch a break in the pattern and GALU WINS IMMUNITY! Before the commercial break we're left with Lucifer saying all the stupid idiots on his tribe made him lose and that it might be better for everyone if Jaison goes home. Ohhh that's interesting. You know, I really wouldn't have a problem with that. Pretty Boy Jaison is always bitching about being uncomfortable and didn't he say in like Episode 3 that he wanted to go home? Asian Liz is a hard worker and much tougher than I thought she'd be so her sticking around would be ok by me.

Back at Foa Foa, I thought my telephathic thoughts to evict Jaison had gotten back to Lucifer or something because he was actively pushing for Jaison to go home. He even approached Liz and Natalie on the beach and tells them not to worry because they're safe. Asian Liz is understandably thrilled and shocked by the turn of events and I went into Tribal Council thinking how stunned Jaison was going to be to be voted out. Everything seemed to be pointing to Jaison going home. Even fucking Jaison was saying how much he sucked. I couldn't believe my ears. How dumb is he to point out all his flaws to his tribe? He was literally sitting there saying that he's to blame for all their losses. I thought the vote was a no brainer. Pretty Boy Jaison would finally be able to take a bubble bath and drape himself in a big fluffy terry cloth robe while getting his feet rubbed by a Samoan masseuse.

To my utter astonishment, Asian Liz was the 6th person voted out of Survivor Samoa. WTF?!? Did I miss something? Grrr I hate that. There must have been something that happened to change everyone's mind because even Natalie voted to evict Liz. Asian Liz wasn't my favorite and I definitely didn't want her to win, but she grew on me. She was smart, spunky, worked hard, and did well in challenges. I was mildly bummed to see her go and then I remembered I predicted she wouldn't make it to the Merge and I felt powerful and satisfied all over again. There you have it. Next week we merge! I'm thinking Shambo is sitting pretty. She's got her male Galu alliance and everyone over at Foa Foa loves her. The only hiccup I'm seeing is Lucifer. I have no problem with him as long as he leaves Shambo alone. Up til now, he's been pretty indifferent about her. I don't think he sees her as a threat or anything, but if you breathe wrong in front of Lucifer he changes his mind so who knows what'll happen?

How are you guys feeling about Shambo? Do you think her alliance will last? Will Lucifer manage to recruit more members into eternal damnation? Will Brett get a personality? Will Mick completely fade into oblivion? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!