Friday, November 6, 2009

Who's Erik?

Yesterday a strange phenomenon took place here in the bustling metropolis that is Northern Virgina. It rained while it was sunny outside. I love it when this happens because not only does rain seem to materialize out of thin air, but something lifts the veil between the normal and the paranormal. Sometimes you'll get that chilly feeling where the hairs stand up on the back of your neck. Or maybe car alarms go off for no reason at all and you sense that it's the work of spiritual pranksters. Yesterday I looked up to the sky, stuck out my tongue, and let the freaky rain quench my thirst. Only it wasn't rain, my friends. It was gin. It was raining gin yesterday and I should have known. Oh yes, I should have known. The signs were all there. Survivor Samoa was going to be EPIC and everyone's no-no's would get tickled in the process. Let's recap, shall we?

The episode opens with Pretty Boy Jaison bitching about how much he sucks and how inferior Foa Foa is. Well, no arguments outta me. He's pretty much hit the nail on the head with that one right there. On the other hand, Lucifer (Russell H.) is shockingly a little more optimistic. There are only 12 people left at this point and anyone with an abacus and a pie chart knows that this adds up to just one thing: The Merge. In Lucifer's blackened mind, he can only see this as an opportunity. There's a division over at Galu and he's going to use that separation and prey on it. He tells us everyone is stupid and he's got some more Russell Seeds to plant, "I'm too good for this game. I'm sly." Oh Lucifer, I warned you before about that thing called Pride. It is a deadly sin after all.

Over at Galu, Laura and her bible are busy bitching about a missing canteen. The story goes that Danger Dave handed Shambo Laura's canteen when she was sent over to Foa Foa and blah blah blah now the canteen is M.I.A.. I know what's really going on here. Laura isn't fussing over some stupid canteen. She's simply trying to shower my precious Shambo in negativity and doubt. For that Laura, I damn you to hell. Sure Shambo probably sunk the canteen and left it out on the ocean floor, but that doesn't matter. Whatever Shambo does is forgivable. Her mullet gives her that right and Ave Laura better step off and re-cog-nize. *snaps fingers and moves neck to and fro* Shambo is unphased. She knows Laura is just throwing around her weight with the popular crowd. Laura picked the wrong victim this time. Shambo's been there. She knows what it's like to sit home every Saturday night while the pretty girls spent their weekends puking up Boone's Farm and sharing date rape stories. Shambo knows what it's like to spend prom night dressing up her cat and playing checkers with grandma. She's been through the hell that is Unpopularity and some skinny bible thumping bitch isn't going to ruffle her mullet. No way. No how.

At this point the tribes have received a mysterious Tree Mail back at camp and they've been instructed to head to some beach where a feast could be waiting for them. At the beach there's a treasure chest sitting all by it's lonesome and Dimples Probst is nowhere to be found. Buzzkill Mick opens the chest and reads a note, "Congratulations Foa Foa and Galu, you are now one tribe!" Hip hip hooray! Seattle Grace and Mercy West have merged! Cue the drama. The new unified tribe makes a toast ("To our new tribe!") and they all shove their faces with tons of food... which I'd never do by the way. What goes in must come out and I'm convinced that the bathroom situation post feasts on Survivor aren't the least bit pretty. If you go weeks with the little to no food and then all of a sudden pack thousands of calories into your gob, the outcome ain't gonna pretty. I'm just saying.

Douchey Erik proceeds to open a beer with his teeth and I should have taken that as a sign right then and there, but I didn't. I was too busy watching how happy Shambo was. She's thrilled that her old friends at Foa Foa are now a part of her world. She hangs out in her jog bra with a smile plastered on her face thinking of all the beautiful friendships she's about to make. Conversely, Foa Foa has infiltrated the Galu camp and they're not wasting one precious second. They've got alliances to make and hearts to win over. Jaison goes to work on Rocket Boy and Natalie starts schmoozing Danger Dave. Lucifer simply sits back and rubs his belly thrilled that his minions are doing exactly what they've been told to do.

In the midst of Foa Foa looking for cracks within the Galu tribe, these bitches need to come up with a new tribe name pronto. Brett, who for some reason speaks Samoan, suggests Aiga (pronounced "eye-ga"). It means "extended family" and since that's all happy and sappy sounding, everyone loves it. Everyone except Erik that is. Erik, full of herpes and arrogance, rolls his eyes and tells us that the notion of "extended family" is a joke. Foa Foa doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of surviving the next 4 (give or take) Tribal Council's and they're simply living in a fairy tale to think otherwise. What Erik doesn't know is that Foa Foa just happens to have the Lord Of The Underworld on their side who's more than happy to dim the fires of hell in order to let his little snowballs survive. Lucifer is running this shit now Erik, not you.

Speaking of Lucifer, he's got his beady blood red eyes focused on Laura. He thinks if he can sway her to come to the dark side, then he's golden. He pulls her aside and immediately whips out his Idol. He tells her that if she takes him to the Top 7, he'll give her his Idol. Laure nods and smiles, but her innermost thoughts are telling a different story. She says, "desperate people do desperate things". Lucifer, prematurely basking in success, decides to lay down some rules for Laura. He tells her that he'll give her his Idol only if one of the Galu men go home. Laura smirks and tells him there's no way that's happening. Lucifer, blood beginning to boil, asks her who she'd like to go home. She says one of Foa Foa's men or Shambo. She also says she's in charge, not Lucifer. Oh no she di'in't... Oh yes she did! Hit the deck. A dumb bitch has dared to challenge Lucifer and, as we've all learned by now, she must be sacrificed.

Well. that Laura convo didn't exactly go to plan, but Lucifer is relentless. Failure is not an option. He scampers across the beach to Pocahantas (Monica) and offers a similar deal. He tells her if she's ever on the block he'll give her his Idol. Pocahantas nods and smiles only this time Lucifer is wise to the nod and smile. The nod and smile doesn't work with him anymore. He now knows that the nod and smile translates into, "Fat chance of that happening buddy". It's obvious the womenfolk aren't cooperating and clear that they've all been instructed in the art of the nod and smile so he decides to approach Rocket Boy next. Rocket Boy is a tad more receptive to Lucifer and thinks it's cool he found the Idol with no clues. Lucifer sees his opening and suggests that Laura should be the one to go home this week. He argues that once she's gone her whole girl alliance will have zero power. Wait for it... Rocket Boy buys it! They shake on it, Lucifer declares, "We're gonna turn this game on it's side", and then he compares himself to Babe Ruth. I know nothing about Lacrosse so I ignore the reference. ;)

Lucifer is happy now. He's finally got someone from Galu on his side. Instead of resting on his laurels he decides to makes my dreams come true... he approaches Shambo. Oh. My. God. Seriously, the clouds parted, I think I heard a shillelagh (or maybe it was a sitar, I'm not sure), a pink pony wearing a feather boa and carrying fondue knocked at my door, a satyr crawled out from under my bed clutching his harp, and Lucifer said, "Shambo is a really good person and we could connect." Cue the orchestra. Hallelujah! How long ago was it that I mentioned on this very blog (which is genius for so many reasons) that a Lucifer/Shambo alliance would be gold dipped in chocolate and sprinkled in diamonds? I thought it was merely wishful thinking and that maybe my penchant for fantasy had gone too far. At the time I meant it in jest, but now I know. Now I know I'm the most powerful soothsayer on the planet. *pounds on chest like Tarzan* OK so here's how it went down... Lucifer asked Shambo what she thought of Laura. Shambo grew fangs and claws, snarled out a few choice insults, and there you have it! My dream alliance has officially been realized. *fans self*

Seriously, what could go wrong now? This shit is locked up! Laura will be going home and all will be right with the world, right? Ummm yeah sure. We've still got a cockamamie Immunity Challenge to discuss. *sigh*

OK so Dimples is back from another visit to a Samoan Opium Den and he announces that immunity is up for grabs. Only this time it's individual immunity... oh and not one, but two people will win it (1 male, 1 female). Seriously, at that point I didn't even need to watch the challenge I knew exactly what would happen. I am the most powerful Oracle in the universe you know, but for the sake of the next few paragraphs let's pretend I'm not. The challenge was simple. Play a little T-ball and whoever hits it into the highest valued location wins. The boys were up first and Danger Dave saunters up to the plate. Dimples asks, "Is baseball your sport?" Dave, not missing a beat, replies, "No, making love is my sport." and with that Danger Dave is back in my good graces. Sure, he only hit a 3 in the challenge, but that comment was worth a 10 to me. :)

Jaison, Brett, and Erik failed to even score a point while Lucifer managed to score a 4. Yay! Satan's only son is in the lead. Nothing can fuck this up, right? Wrong! Rocket Boy, hitting last, manages to score a 5 and JOHN WINS IMMUNITY!

Next up are the ladies. Natalie and Shambo (obviously having an off day) fail to score while Kelly holds the lead with 3. Last up is Laura. You know it's coming. Bitch hits a 4 and LAURA WINS IMMUNITY!

Uh oh. All that planning was for naught? Say it isn't so! OK while the Immunity Challenge might have been a big load of fuckery, what took place afterwards totally made up for it. The last half hour of the episode is what I live for when it comes to Survivor. I'm talking about pure out and out delicious scheming. It began with Lucifer thinking Pochantas should be the new target. Shambo tells him that'll be difficult to pull off and, worse comes to worse, a Foa Foa male might have to go home. Meanwhile Erik is highly suspicious of Lucifer. He's seen how Lucifer's beard refuses to grow in full and he's dubious at this point. He wonders aloud to Laura if Lucifer has the Immunity Idol. Laura confirms Erik's suspicions and my heart leapt into my throat when I realized that Lucifer could be in trouble. Quickly thereafter, Erik comes up with a new plan. He decides to spread the word that Lucifer will be going home, but in reality they'll be voting out Jaison. The plan is to scare Lucifer into using his Immunity Idol thus rendering him powerless from here on out. I hate to admit it, but that's a pretty good plan. Idols always bring out the best in the players in my opinion. Fake idols have always been a genius route to take, but spreading rumors to draw out an idol in an effort to make it unplayable definitely deserves some recognition as well.

Erik, cocky to the core, a little too enthusiastically runs to Foa Foa and tells them to vote out Pochantas. He also tells them not to tell Lucifer as he wants Lucifer to play his Idol. Foa Foa may not be the smartest tribe there ever was, but they know something is up especially Jaison. He decides to nod and smile (men can do it too you know) and agree to go along with Erik when, in actuality, he's not buying Erik's bag of bullshit at all and wonders if it's possible to get out Erik instead. Wow. Ballsy idea. Seemingly impossible, right? Well, not when you put Natalie on the mission. Natalie was someone I'd always looked at as dead weight (partially because Lucifer hypnotized me into thinking that), but I've got to hand it to her. She impressed me last night. She immediately marches over to the 90210 crowd and tells them about Erik's plan to get out Pochantas. She's obviously been paying attention to where the loyalties lie over at Galu and it was a genius move on her part to approach Kelly and Laura first. She tells them that if Erik stays, he'll wreak havoc on that camp and it's in their best interest to get him out now. Wait for it... they buy it! Natalie, my dear, mad props to you. You've officially moved up about 18 notches on my list Players I Can Tolerate.

Kelly and Brenda, panicked about losing Donna, run to Pocahantas and tell her about Erik's evil plan. Oh it's on now bitches! You don't mess with the greatest zip code on the planet, you just don't. The 90210 army has been activated. The bat signal has been sent out to all of the appropriate players and Kelly, Brenda, and Donna manage to get Brandon, Dylan, Andrea, and even David Silver on board. In other words, the tide has turned and STD Erik is in trouble. Danger Dave approaches Shambo and tells her how everyone wants Erik out now. Shambo looks at him quizically and asks, "Who's Erik?" Haha! Is she not the most precious piece of goodness you've ever seen? I could eat her up with a spoon.

Back in the ninth ring of hell, Lucifer is clueless. He says for the first time ever in this game he has no idea what's going on. He's hearing rumblings of Erik maybe going home, but even he wonders if it's too good to be true. He shoves his Immunity Idol down his pants and marches off to Tribal Council. Likewise, Erik crams his Idol up his ass and makes way for the bonfire as well. The suspense was delicious. My heart was pounding and I may have strangled a fairy or two with all the tension I was feeling. So many questions were swirling in my head... would Erik go home? Would Lucifer use the Idol? Will Shambo's curls glow in the firelight? To these questions I had no answers. All I could do was clutch my gin tumbler and watch with bated breath.

Dimples wastes no time and dives in asking Pocahantas about trust. She mumbles something about how you can't even trust someone on your own tribe and we all knew she was talking about Erik. Erik, having popped another douche pill, begins spewing about how Foa Foa has nothing to offer the world and that it's a joke they were even born. Lucifer, like a Mama bear to her cubs, leaps to Foa Foa's defense saying that Erik will be surprised by Foa Foa. My first thought? Shhhhh! Don't give Erik any hints you idiot! I don't want him playing that Idol. I chugged some more gin and punched my leprechaun just for the aggravation I was feeling. Thankfully, Erik is King Of The Tools and he didn't pick up on Lucifer's hints. Instead he begins to rip Jaison a new one calling him useless and full of hot air by claiming that he's an athlete. Ouch. Jaison retaliates saying that he doesn't appreciate personal attacks and that Erik's belittling of him reminds him of people who've tried to keep him down his entire life. To be quite honest, Jaison kind of lost me there. He ends his little sob story saying he'll never give up. To which Erik says, "I like that. If I was your coach, that's what I'd like to hear." *bites fist and giggles* Oh my god, he's such an asshole. LOL Everyone turns to Jaison waiting for a response and, thankfully, he delivers. He tells Erik that fortunately he doesn't give a shit what he thinks so, suck on that douchebag!

Erik continues to insult Foa Foa only the more he talks, the less sense he makes. He says he admires their resolve but in the same breath says they should just give up. Oh shut your chlamydia lips already. I've heard just about enough from you. Lucifer echos my sentiment and tells Erik that rolling over and just giving up will never happen. Before Erik can say something else retarded, Dimples tells them it's time to vote. The most unnerving thumping anxiety inducing music was playing while everyone voted and I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see just what would happen. Dimples gathers the votes and announces that if anyone has the Immunity Idol and would like to play it, they need to do it now before he reads the votes. And then it happens... Lucifer announces, "Everyone knows I have it. I might as well play it." Erik is beside himself about to suffocate from smugness while Dimples confirms the Idol is authentic and any votes against Lucifer will not be counted.

By at vote of 7-2, Erik is the 7th person voted out of Survivor Samoa. *harp music fills the room* I admit it. I clapped and shouted a boisterous "Woohoo!". I also flung off my top and dipped my breasts in glitter but you don't need to know that. Sure, Lucifer played his Idol when he didn't need to, but I think that's far better than being voted out with it sitting in the crack of your ass like Erik did. Better safe than sorry I always say.

So ok bitches, what did you think? Were you guys as nervous as I was? Do you think Lucifer is in trouble next week? More importantly, can Shambo help him? This brings me to a little contest I'm running. We need a name for the new Shambo/Lucifer alliance. Whoever wins will get full credit and the pleasure of seeing me using that name whenever necessary. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!