Friday, November 13, 2009

Behold Satan's Mullet!

Some people would argue that the greatest invention of all time was the Printing Press or maybe something like the disposable diaper. I, however, am more inclined to appreciate the genius that is air conditioning, reality television, Jem (she's truly outrageous), contraception, and black feather boas (they're good for all occasions). Historians take note: We now have a new invention for the annals of time. I'm pleased to announce the all knowing, all powerful, greatest alliance ever in the history of Survivor... SATAN'S MULLET! (As named by the lovely and devious HoodedWarrior) Last week we caught but a mere glimpse of Satan's Mullet, but this week we got to witness it's majesty. Let's recap, shall we?

Our episode begins with Lucifer (Russell H.) saying he had no choice but to play the Idol last week. I'm inclined to agree. There's no way he could have known who Galu's target was and he would have looked like an enormous ass had he been voted out with the Idol still in his pocket. Laura, waving her bible in defiance, feels differently. Of course she does. She listens to Christian music and you know, as well as I do, that anyone who listens to Christian music just isn't right in the head. Ms. Bible Thumper thinks that Lucifer playing the Idol was the dumbest move ever. She claims Lucifer now has a big target on his back and he should be shaking in his little shoes. Oh Laura... you silly cow. Don't you know that you should never proselytize and you should never ever ever talk shit about the Lord Of The Underworld. It'll only end badly for you.

While Laura is busy sneering and looking ravaged, Natalie is taking a leisurely stroll along the beach. The sun is shining, the waves are crashing, the trees sway gently from side to side. It's a picture perfect day. Makes you want to cruise on a boat, make a seashell necklace, or kill an innocent rodent, doesn't it? While Natalie was busy daydreaming about mint juleps, big hair, and cheese grits she stumbled upon Ratatouille. Ratatouille was small, fuzzy, gray, and kind of cute for a rat. Seriously, did you see those whiskers? All Ratatouille ever wanted out of life was to eat some abandoned coconut on the beach and finish that dress for Cinderelly. Too bad for Ratatouille that a blonde Southern Belle came along and stole all of his dreams by bashing him on the head with an impossibly heavy stick. Never step directly in the path of a hungry debutante. That's my advice to women, children, and family pets everywhere.

Happy with her kill, Natalie Crockett marches back into camp with her knee high socks stomping the innocent sand and announces, "I killed a rat, y'all!" (Thanks Susan!) My first thought? There's a metaphor in here somewhere. That rat was too innocent to die without it representing something on a much grander scale. Didn't Sue (Survivor 1) warn us that the island was filled was 2 things: snakes and rats? I think Jeff was the snake and Jervis was the rat, but I'm not sure. ;) Anyhow, I continued to look for a deeper meaning in the brutal loss of life as the rest of the Aiga tribe just stood there dumbfounded, jaws on the ground, that such a seemingly innocent young lady would viciously kill Mickey Mouse in order to get a little protein. Jaison, in particular, was stunned musing how it's not like Natalie was a Shambo. Indeed Jaison. She lacks the innocence, delight, and mullet (obviously) to be a Shambo. The scene ends with Natalie, rat blood smeared on her face, announcing, "It's kinda tastes like chicken!"

While the rest of the tribe was busy protecting their puppies and kittens from Natalie, Lucifer was thinking to himself, "There's got to be another immunity idol somewhere in this camp." Yeah right. What are the chances of that happening? 3 idols in 1 game? I think not! Oh Lucifer, how you dream! *thunder clap and lightening*

This brings us to the Reward Challenge. Aiga is divided into 2 teams of five where each team will race to retrieve some poles threaded with black and white coconuts. Once all the poles are retrieved, they need to unscramble the puzzle and make the white coconuts spell out a 4 digit number. Then a blindfolded bitch will try to open a box using said number. Teams are selected by random draw with one person sitting out. The Purple Team is Shambo, Kelly, Danger Dave, Rocket Boy, and Pocahantas. The Yellow Team is Pretty Boy Jaison, Christian Laura, Lucifer, Brett, and Buzzkill Mick. Natalie Dahmer has to sit out but chooses to support the Yellow Team because that's where all her Foa Foa bitches are.

Survivors ready. Go! Both teams race their little hearts out running back and forth with their poles. They pretty much stay neck in neck until my precious Shambo decides to slow it down a little during her second leg. Dimples Probst can't help but point out her lagging and I immediately fashioned a dart board with his face in the center. If you know what's good for you Jeff, you'll leave The Shambo alone. Both teams arrive at the decoding station and Danger Dave manages to figure out his team's number pretty quick. He calls the number out to Pocahantas, the bitch at the box, and she goes to work on cracking the code. Over on the Yellow Team things aren't going so well until Lucifer catches a break and manages to call out his number to Bible Bertha. It's a battle of the bitches at this point. Pocahantas v. Tammy Faye... and PURPLE TEAM WINS REWARD!

I was tickled pink. The reward was a trip to some natural rock slides with a lavish picnic on the beach. Thoughts of white bellied Shambo giggling and sliding down rocks danced in my head. I'm quite sure the angels sing whenever Shambo smiles. It's a theory I'm currently working on. OK so the Purple Team arrives at the rock slides and my first thought? Thank god this isn't The Amazing Race because Mika would be having a panic attack right about now. Anyhow, the tribes finds a scroll in their fruit basket and are told that a new Immunity Idol is in play. Wha... wha... what?!? Remind me never to question Lucifer again. I'm totally sacrificing a goat later on today in his honor. Danger Dave makes the decision that the Purple Team will go ahead and share this information with the Galu people on the Yellow Team. Kelly and Pocahantas pull Shambo aside and give her a stern warning not to tell anyone what the scroll said. They threaten to chop off her mullett and freeze her bra if she doesn't obey them. Shambo assures them she'll keep her mouth shut, but she also tells them that she doesn't want Lucifer to go home yet. She makes up some cockamamie story about how Lucifer sucks in challenges (he doesn't) and, as if it's even possible, I gained even more respect for Shambo.

Speaking of Lucifer, the lovable troll was back at camp saying, "I don't care about no damn reward. I'm here to win the game." Satan's only son has a mission and his mission is to find that damn Idol. Keep in my mind he's not aware that a 3rd Idol even exists. He's just going on intuition and the fiery embers in his soul. After chanting in ancient Enochian, he surmises that the Idol must be near a landmark. He searches the stone fire pit, a tree or two, and then is somehow drawn to a bridge. I don't know why I'm shocked. Under bridges are where trolls live after all (I know this from watching Dora The Explorer with my niece... "Swiper no swiping!"). He bends over the bridge, bulbous ass in the air, and mutters, "You've got to be kidding me." And we know... we all know what's coming... LUCIFER HAS FOUND THE THIRD IMMUNITY IDOL! Owls hooted, squirrels ran and hid in trees, and the deer that poop in my backyard took off for the forest. The change in the air was palpable. Lucifer is invincible. My no-no tickled, I might have very well drooled a little, and I promptly wrote LUCIFER across my stomach in red Shiseido lipstick. What? You didn't do the same thing?

All smiles and dipping my toes in glitter and gin, I think to myself, "This episode can't get any better." Then it happens... the Purple Team is back from their reward and the greatest meeting of the masterminds is about the commence. Satan's Mullet is chilling doing odd chores when Lucifer turns to Shambo. He reaches deep down into his pants and shows her all that is the magnificance of the 3rd Immunity Idol. Grab a tissue cuz you'll need it for this next part. Lucifer says to Shambo, "I can trust you more than anyone else out here." Cue waterworks. Best. Moment. Ever. I hugged myself, turned on my bedside cotton candy machine, and decided to decorate the outer edges of my televsion with rhinestones. Shambo, possibly moved as much as I was, smiles and points out how the Idol looks like a scythe that could decapitate Laura. It's a precious moment that made fairies flutter and ponies fly. She declares, "You lucky bastard." and then, obviously in an effort to torture me with too much goodness and light, she tells the home viewers, "Russ is the one guy in this game who I impeccably trust." *weeps uncontrollably*

Together Satan's Mullet decides to let Galu still try to get out Lucifer. He'll simply use the Idol to save himself. They'll inform the Foa Foa people to write down Laura (or as Shambo calls her "Medusa") and the bitch will not only be gone but blindsided. It's the perfect plan! Nothing can go wrong now!

It's Immunity Challenge time. Players have to use a grappling hook (that suspiciously looks like the Immunity Idol) to snare 2 bags of puzzle pieces. They have to drag the bags in and the first 3 people to get both their bags will proceed to the finals. Shambo, pumped up on Satan's Mullet love, nails her first bag before anyone else. Mick immediately hooks one followed by Brett and Kelly. With luck on his side, Mick hooks his second one with no problem sailing into the finals. Pretty Boy Jaison, Medusa, and Lucifer feel the pressure and manage to hook their first bags. Shambo, powered by mullet goodness, snares her second bag and secures the second spot in the finals. Only one spot left and the players are frantically trying to snare their bags. With evil on his side, Lucifer hooks his second bag! Only... so does Medusa. Uh oh... it's a race to see who can drag their bag back the fastest. Medusa glanced in Lucifer's direction, turned him to stone, and secures the third spot. Bitch!

OK so now we have Buzzkill Mick, Shambo, and Medusa. They have to untie their bags and pop the pieces into some weird puzzle wall making little shapes pop out. Shambo takes a commanding lead with Mick and Medusa struggling. Unfortunately, Shambo's lead is short lived and as this part of the episode made me kick my leprechaun, I'm going to skip ahead to the end... LAURA WINS IMMUNITY! *kicks leprechaun again* Fuckity fuck!

I'm now convinced that Medusa is ingesting some sort of magic potion or something. Bitch keeps winning immunity! I took the liberty of googling her and here's what I found out: Medusa is a gorgon which is a chthonic female monster. She has the ability to turn people to stone with just one look and, from what I can tell, the only way to kill her is to behead her like Perseus did. OK Satan's Mullet, use that information wisely and do with it what you will. Godspeed.

Back at camp, Shambo's heart is broken, but she pulls together quickly and comes up with a Plan B. She decides to get rid of Kelly and "cause a little dissension among the ranks. That's the plan of attack.". I love it when she talks military! Meanwhile, Medusa is on her side of the camp all smug and annoying talking about how Lucifer is about to go down. That's what you think you snake headed wench!

So Satan's Mullet wastes no time and gets to work. They inform the rest of the Foa Foa people that Lucifer has the Idol and they all need to write down Kelly tonight. Pretty Boy Jaison, finally seeing the light, declares about Lucifer, "I'm really beginning to love that guy!" You and me both Jaison. You and me both. It's imperative that all of Foa Foa keep their traps shut because if Galu catches wind of this, the whole plan is shot to hell (and not in a good "Lord Of The Underworld" way).

Over in Smug Country, Galu is planning to get rid of Lucifer when Pochantas brings up the possibility that Lucifer could very well already have the 3rd Idol. Danger Dave smacks her in the face with his ponytail and assures her that it's impossible. Dave insists they shouldn't worry about the Idol now, but Rocket Boy points out that Lucifer found it before without any clues so what's makes him think he can't do it again? For a millisecond they discuss the possibility of maybe writing Natalie Manson's name down instead. At this precise moment Lucifer walks by, hears the name Natalie on the wind, and wonders whether or not he should play the Idol. It was at this point that my youthful healthy heart began to pump maniacally. Lucifer is confused. He doesn't know what to do and it's worrisome. He tells us, "I don't want to be the dumb ass that gets voted out with the Idol in his pocket." At this point, I've chewed off all my nails and the anxiety is setting in. God, I love this show!

This brings us to the dramatic denouement, the Tribal Council we've all been waiting for. You can cut the tension with a knife. What will Lucifer do? Who will Galu decide to vote out? The build up is excruciating. The only thing that can ease the pain is a buffoon... enter Erik. *rolls eyes* The King Of The STD's marches in and takes his place in the Jury. He's supposed to sit there stone faced and not react, but to a bartender rules are meant to be broken I guess. Anyhow, Dimples asks Dave how the tribe has changed since Erik left and I've got to hand it to Dave at this moment. He hysterically replies that that Erik was the evil presence weakening Galu and now that he's gone, things are looking up. Erik, stomping his feet, punches the air and looks decidedly douchey.

Jeffy Pooh turns his attention to Natalie and asks Son Of Sam how Galu is treating Foa Foa. She mumbles some nonsense about it all being a love fest and Jeff just gives her the hand in response. If there's one thing Jeff hates, it's bullshitting in Tribal Council. He has zero patience for it. Pretty Boy Jaison makes a very different comment about Galu. He thinks they may have another Erik lurking within them that needs to be sniffed out. At this point I'm quite sure Erik was over on the jury bench sharpening a rock with his teeth. They finish up the suspense with Dave declaring that he'll vote out someone who's physically, mentally, and strategically strong. Gah! Who is he talking about? Lucifer or Natalie? I need to know!

Begin heart attack inducing drum music. Seriously, how unnerving are those drums when the bitches are voting? My heart leaps into my throat and pulsates over and over again. It makes me crazy... and euphoric at the same time. All at once I'm torn between sheer panic and blissfull suspense. Have I mentioned how much I love this damn show?

The drums finally mellow out and Jeff announces that if anyone has the Immunity Idol they should play it now or forever hold their peace. *thump, thump, thump* Lucifer stands... oh holy night! Jeff looks it over and says it's the real deal. Suck on that Galu! Now he'll read the votes. *Please don't let Lucifer have used it in vain... please don't let Lucifer have wasted another Idol.* After what seems like an eternity, Jeff reads the first vote. Wait for it... LUCIFER *Yes!* The second vote? Lucifer! The third... Lucifer. By the time Jeff reads the 6th Lucifer vote, Mick has his hand covering his mouth trying hard not to giggle. At home, I'm dying. I'm fist pumping, laughing, tears streaming down my face, molesting my leprechaun. At vote #8 Jeff reads, Kelly. Lucifer has the hugest shit eating grin on his face as Kelly slowly realizes her number is up. I'll own up to it. I liked Kelly in the very beginning. She had that alternative tough gal vibe I like, but she lost me midway when she turned on Shambo and became uber tight with Medusa. That sort of behavior just can't be forgiven.

The 8th person voted out of Survivor Samoa and the 2nd member of the Jury is KELLY. Sorry babe. Someone not a part of Satan's Mullet had to go and that someone is you. So what did you guys think last night? Were you on the verge of cardiac arrest too? Are you loving Satan's Mullet? Do you think someone from Galu could defect and join Foa Foa? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Here is this week's installment of Life At Ponderosa. This will be a new weekly blog feature. (Thanks Becky!)

If Kelly hooks up with Erik I'm gonna hate her forever.

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