Friday, November 20, 2009

The Day Of Reckoning


Yesterday was one of those days where each event that took place was even weirder than the next. Perhaps the planets were aligned into the shape of a mullet. I'm sure you felt it. That tangible electrical charge that coursed through your veins while you went about your normal everyday routine. "You could almost taste it, the rightness in the air." (Tell me what movie this quote comes from and you're my new best friend.) Lonely bags of marshmallows roasted themselves on pantry shelves. Long forgotten bags of Jiffy Pop popped into beautiful fluffy popcorn-y pillows nary a stove or microwave in sight. Why, it's almost as if the hellfires of eternal damnation burned a little bit brighter yesterday. Let's recap, shall we?

(Pablo Picasso, Goat's Skull On Table, 1953)


The scene opens with our hero, Lucifer, lying back in his hammock with a satisfied little smirk on his face. He muses about how he is to Survivor what Picasso was to painting. Interesting. Does that make Shambo his Gertrude Stein, tribal council his Guernica, Immunity Idols the bronze smuggled to him by the French Resistance? Get me started on an art allegory and I'll go for days, but let's get back to the task at hand. Lucifer is Picasso and Survivor is his masterpiece. Why, it almost makes him as happy as the day his kids were "borned". Hold up! Somewhere out there on this big ball of land and water are Lucifer spawn lying in wait? I'm picturing paunchy little children... all with beards and plaid shirts decapitating Barbies and roasting My Little Ponies for fun. It's a festive picture of hair pulling, family pet torturing, and live rat eating. I could daydream for days about the home life of Lucifer's family, but my dreams were suddenly interrupted by the melodious sounds of a Shambo giggling.


Satan's Mullet, the magical union of Lucifer and Shambo, are sitting in the dark together having a tickle fight. They're giggling over giving Kelly the heave ho and how mad she was. Lucifer says, "What does she think I'm here for? To bake her cake and cookies?" Shambo claps and squeals, "She was pissed. It was awesome!" In that instant the entire world smiled. I'm sure of it. Well, maybe not the entire world. Somewhere in the dark a snake haired woman sat clutching her bible, rocking back and forth, and mumbling to herself, "I should have known better... I should have known better..." Oh Medusa, nee Laura, your bible can't save you now. And then I think one of snakes on her head bit her on the ear, but I can't be sure.


The next day brings a new dawn of foreboding and impending doom coupled with the image of angry waves crashing violently against the Samoan rocks. The soundtrack is an unnerving thumping of scary drums and the deep gutteral breaths of an angry beast. Seriously, did you guys hear that music last night? If evil had a soundtrack, that would have been it. I immediately locked up my kittens and glitter for safekeeping and wore a crown of garlic just in case.



With one less member of the 90210 clique to contend with, Shambo is imbued with a new dose of confidence as well as a more svelte figure. She's well on her way to a perky ass and, as all girls know, a perky ass is power. Along with a magnificent head of curls Shambo was blessed, much like me, with the gift to assign nicknames. She tells us, "Laura is the head viper. She's the viper queen. She's the evil demon. She's the beast." Well, pinch my cheeks and call me smitten! Shambo is poetry personified. Spunky and ready to kick ass and take names, Shambo approaches Rocket Boy John and pitches the idea that he cross over and join the Foa Foa group in voting to evict Medusa. Rocket Boy, noncommittal and wary, can't give her his word until he's thought about it some more. Hmm ok, I won't begrudge him that. Sometimes it's good to take a breath and weigh all your options. It hits Rocket Boy that he's probably the only one aware of Shambo betraying Galu so he retreats to his rock to sit and stew over how to use this information to it's greatest advantage.



This brings us to the Reward Challenge. Teams are divided into two groups of five. One member of each group will lie face down in a cradle while the other four use ropes to maneuver them into retrieving 15 flags. For the purple team, we have Danger Dave, Useless Brett, Medusa and Lucifer with Natalie Rodent Killer in the cradle. For the yellow team, it's Shambo, Pretty Boy Jaison, Pocahantas, and Buzzkill Mick with Rocket Boy in the cradle. The prize is a private plane to the island of Savai, a Sprint Palm Pre to take pictures with (which got way too much air time and sucked up about 5 minutes of the show), and a big lavish picnic. Survivors ready, go!



Immediately, Natalie snatches a flag (like it's a defenseless rat) and places it in it's proper slot. Rocket Boy follows by snatching his own flag only to drop it seconds later. For the majority of the challenge Natalie maintained a one flag lead while sliding dangerously off the cradle. She held on tight with nothing but her legs and fierce determination. Seriously, bitch must have thighs powerful enough to crush a canteloupe. She rocked that challenge. I told you a perky ass was power. Over on the yellow team Rocket Boy tried his best and Shambo yelling, "Sit on your butts! Sit on your butts!" was filled with good intentions, but it wasn't enough to conquer Natalie and her thighs of steel and... PURPLE WINS REWARD!



It's at this point in my story when something luscious happened. Yours truly got a message from none other than Rocket Boy John himself. Seriously? Seriously. Rocket Boy contacted me on Facebook and guess what? He's a fan of this here little blog. He doesn't even mind it when I pick on him a little. Bless his heart. He officially won me over though when he said he loved the Medusa hate. I'm thinking a fruit basket might be in order for Mr. Rocket Boy. I'll get the master craftsmen over at Edible Bouqets to carve little rockets out of bananas or something. We'll see...




OK so the purple team have won and off they go to the island of Savai. They're excited and the view is pretty and blah blah blah... who are we kidding? Their minds are on one thing and one thing only: The Immunity Idol Clue. They know it's got to be somewhere... maybe stuffed in a hot dog, hidden behind the waterfall, or... duh... of course! It's in the strategically placed product placement Sprint phone. Lucifer discovers it in the phone and Usless Brett reads the clue aloud, "A rolling stone gathers no moss." Medusa, twitching and antsy, snatches the phone away and discovers there's a video accompanying the clue. The video shows a rock with moss on it being moved and the Idol being revealed. Lucifer downloads the information into his horns, sacrifices a goat, and prepares for his mission for when he returns to the Aiga camp. Once again he chants in ancient Enochian, smears some goat blood on his face, and dances the Watusi around a bonfire. MJ would have been proud Lucifer.




The group arrive back at camp with full bellies and a sense of urgency. Lucifer runs to Pretty Boy Jaison and Buzzkill Mick to tell them that the Idol is under a rock with moss. The three immediately separate and go rock hunting. Danger Dave and Medusa kind of wanted to take a cat nap, but the sight of Lucifer and his minions scowering the camp for rocks snapped them out of their lazy haze right quick. Danger Dave isn't taking any chances. He figures he'll just shadow Lucifer and find the Idol that way. Medusa, on the other hand, is left standing all alone each one of the snakes on her head guiding her in a different direction. She's confused and lonely and can do nothing but holler to Dave to help her out. Her pathetic codependent crap turns out to be a lovely velvet wrapped gift from heaven. Medusa's cries distracted Dave so much that he managed to lose Lucifer and the three camera men following him around the camp.






Lucifer was right when he said early on that he's like a magnet for Immunity Idols. With the help of his father, Satan, he's guided directly to the site of a mossy rock wall. Dig dig dig... wait for it... LUCIFER HAS FOUND THE THIRD HIDDEN IMMUNITY IDOL! *throws confetti in air* Seriously. That. Just. Happened. I die. Like Rachel Zoe, I literally die. Steam rose from the ground (you know there was a HUGE party in hell last night), crucifixes fell off the walls, zombies roamed free, and a flutter of fairies painted my toes for me. All Lucifer could do was smile. His eyes got bluer by the hour, his southern drawl got thicker and deeper, and I quickly constructed some origami devil horns to pass out to all the children in the neighborhood. Everyone grabbed their pitchforks and celebrated last night. We were all blessed and wondered how, if at all, this night could get any better.




This brings us to the Immunity Challenge. Individuals must throw a stone at some tiles and for each tile they break, the earn a spear. They'll then launch their spears at a target and the closest one to the bullseye wins. Simple, right? No, not really. Shambo saunters up to the plate, throws like a ladies softball coach, and promptly misses. Lucifer is up next and misses too. Normally, I'd be worried at this point, but I know that Satan's Mullet has magic (and the bowels of hell) on their side so I simply kick back and pour myself another tumbler of gin. Pretty Boy Jaison is next and he hits one. Rocket Boy misses. Pocahantas misses. Danger Dave inadvertently hits Pochantas' tile. Natalie misses. Buzkill Mick hits one. Useless Brett (Seriously, why is he on this show?) manages to hit two. Last up is Medusa. Dear God, errr I mean Satan, let her miss... My heart was in my throat, my nails were digging into the palms of the hands, one lonely tear gently fell down my cheek, and then it happened... Medusa missed that shit by a mile! Woohoo!





Cut to Shambo doubled over, clutching her sides, laughing her ass off. I watched the show twice last night and let me tell you, this shit was even funnier the second time around. Shambo and her balls of steel had zero shame last night. She giggled loud and she giggled proud without a care in the world. Even Lucifer got a good hearty chuckle out of it. They both kicked up some dirt and hugged each other in victory completely oblivious to the fact that the challenge wasn't over yet. It was over in their minds (and in mine too) so why not celebrate loudly and garishly? In the end, MICK WINS IMMUNITY, but it doesn't really matter. Mick is of no consequence. He'll do whatever Satan's Mullet tells him to do so his victory isn't really a victory at all.






Shambo manages to suspend her fit of giggles for a few minutes and she gets very serious. She informs us that, "Today is the day of reckoning. Medusa's head will be lopped off." Aha! So she did take my advice to heart last week. If you'll remember I sent Shambo a message that the only way to kill Medusa was by decapitation. I'm thrilled to know she's getting my messages and putting them to good use. Now, if she'd only contact me and let me stroke her curls. Anyhow, Satan's Mullet is all set to behead Medusa, but there's one teeny tiny little problem with the plan. The way the votes are likely to go will probably end in a tie. Satan's Mullet and their minions need to get someone else on their side to make the vote 6-4 rather than 5-5.



Shambo approaches Useless Brett and tells him she's voting Medusa no matter what. Brett asks her to reconsider, but she just spits in his face and shoves some leeches down his pants in response. Meanwhile Medusa and Dave are approaching Rocket Boy with a pitch to get rid of Lucifer. If his personal message didn't win me over immediately, this next part does 100%. Rocket Boy looks at them like they're morons and tells them NO. Just like that... NO. No, he will not vote out Lucifer. So there! *makes a mental note to dip those rocket shaped bananas in 18 karat gold* Rocket Boy then, in what has to be my favorite interview of the night, tells us that it's stunning to him how lacking everyone is in their anaytical skills. In a very funny moment he says, "Vote out Russell? You're an idiot. Turn on Shambo? You're an idiot... you're an idiot, you're an idiot, you're an idiot." And with that, his simple ability to turn a phrase in a way that delights bitches everywhere, I'm officially adding Rocket Boy to my list of people I'm rooting for. Welcome Rocket Boy. You'll find a ton of gin and opium at your disposal.



Rocket Boy's defiance, while it pleased me, definitely rubbed Medusa and Danger Dave the wrong way. They're now worried about him and how he'll vote. Pochantas enters and thinks she's come up with a genius plan to fool everyone. She decides to tell the Foa Foa crew that she's changing her vote to Rocket Boy, but really she'll be voting for Natalie. In her miniscule brain, she actually thinks that everyone, save Shambo, will fall in line and vote to evict Rocket Boy. Thus making the vote 5 for Natalie, 4 for Rocket Boy, and 1 for Medusa. The problem with Pocahantas' plan is simple. She's the WORST liar on the planet. Seriously, you could win a bundle playing poker against this bitch. She's got so many tells she bloody William Tell (Name the movie). She approaches Lucifer and she's fidgety, fussing with her hair, looking to left, biting her nails, shifting her feet side to side, and stammering incessantly. Lucifer just stands there looking at her. He can see the writing on the wall. He knows she's full of shit. So what does he do? He runs to Rocket Boy and fills him in on Galu's plan to use him as bait. Genius, genius, genius. Rocket Boy is teetering dangerously on the edge of crossing over and anything Lucifer can do to push him over is gravy at this point.



Rocket Boy is less than thrilled with Galu's plan to use him and he tells us he's not risking his life to save Medusa. Why the hell should he step in to save her? Why, indeed! It's at this point that we're informed what happens in the case of a tie at Tribal Council. If there's a tie, the tribe will vote again. If there's a second tie, they each take a stone and whichever one is purple goes home. Rocket Boy then makes a deal with Lucifer. He says if he votes out Medusa tonight, he wants a member of Foa Foa to go home next. Without hesitation, Lucifer says yes. They shake on it and cuddle a little with their beards gently carressing each other. Ok so maybe I made up that last part.



Cut to Tribal Council. Dimples Probst is well aware that a tie is possible so he questions the tribe on why in the world would they ever let their fate go to the stones. Danger Dave says he has no problem letting it all go to the stones. Ok that's it Dave. I'm done with you. You spend 27 days in the jungle and you're willing to let it all go out the window? Ummm no. I can't deal with that. Buh Bye. We're done now. Dimples seems as disgusted as I am so he hurries things along and cuts right to the vote.



Cue anxiety inducing drums. Jeff asks if anyone wants to use the hidden Immunity Idol. Everyone turns to stare at Lucifer, but he does nothing and keeps the idol firmly in his pocket. Time to read the votes. First vote... Medusa. Second vote... Natalie... Medusa, Natalie, Medusa, Natalie, Medusa, Natalie, Medusa, Natalie, Medusa... at this point Erik is shifting in his seat in the Jury box mumbling, "Man, this is good shit."... Natalie. We have a tie. *giggles* I love it. For some reason Lucifer loves it too because he just sits there smiling. Clearly, he knows something I don't like why men call women cunts when they don't get their way or why Oprah is quitting her show. He's a vessel of secrets and I'm dying to climb in and uncover them all for myself. Someday I will and I'll share my discoveries right here with all you good people.





Alright bitches, time to vote again only this time Medusa and Natalie will not vote. Time to read the votes. First vote... Medusa. Second vote... Natalie... Medusa, Natalie, Medusa, Natalie, Medusa... wait for it... MEDUSA! *fireworks explode overhead* The ninth person voted out of Survivor Samoa is that bible clutching bitch Laura to be known forever as the Viper Queen Medusa! Ladies waving flags and twirling batons flooded the streets, ticker tape filled Time Square, and I'm quite sure that somewhere Shakira was shaking her hips in celebration. Seriously, I screamed when the last vote was revealed. Perhaps you heard it? It was gutteral, primal, and so freaking loud I'm sure I disturbed the gently napping polar bears in Antarctica.





How thrilled were you guys last night? Did you make candy necklaces and give yourself a mullet last night too? What are your thoughts towards Rocket Boy? Do you think he'll become the third official member of Satan's Mullet? From what I understand, next week's episode should be a recap show (due to Thanksgiving). As my family finishes stuffing their gobs in the early evening, I'll definitely catch it, but I'm not sure how I'll recap it. I'll send out Tweets and Facebook updates if there's a new post. If you're not following me on Twitter and Facebook, BIG MISTAKE! You might have missed my inpromptu post a few days ago about next seasons cast list (check the post below this one for full cast details). The links to follow me are in the right hand column. Comment it out bitches and have a great day! I hope everyone has a lovely Thanksgiving next week. Take care bitches.





Here is this week's episode of Life At Ponderosa. Seriously, how annoying is Medusa's voice and how delusional is she thinking Erik and Kelly love her? Clearly, Erik hasn't stopped bitching and obsessing and shows NO signs of stopping anytime soon.





Please to enjoy:











Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Survivor 20 Cast Revealed!

UPDATE: THIS WAS POSTED BEFORE THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT. IT TURNS OUT I WAS 100% RIGHT!!! CHECK MY NEWER POSTS FOR MORE SURVIVOR 20 INSIDER INFO.

Heaven has smiled down on me today my friends. It's as if unicorns and fairies fluttered down from the clouds, sat on my lap, stroked my hair, and said, "Today we make all your dreams come true." Bliss, I tell you, pure bliss. What in the sam hell am I talking about? The cast of Survivor 20 has been revealed bitches!

The premise is simple: Heroes vs. Villains. *giggles and claps* Seriously, what have I done to deserve this? It practically writes itself!

OK OK no more lollygagging. I give you the CAST OF SURVIVOR 20!

HEROES:

Colby Donaldson (Survivor: Australia)
Rupert Boneham (Survivor: Pearl Islands)
Stephanie LaGrossa (Survivor: Palau)
Tom Westman (Survivor: Palau)
Cirie Fields (Survivor: Panama)
Candice Woodcock (Survivor: Cook Islands)
Amanda Kimmel (Survivor: China)
James Clement (Survivor: China)
Sugar Kiper (Survivor: Gabon)
JT Thomas (Survivor: Tocantins)

VILLAINS:

Jerri Manthey (Survivor: Australia)
Rob Mariano (Survivor: Marquesas)
Sandra Diaz-Twine (Survivor: Pearl Islands)
Danielle DiLorenzo (Survivor: Panama)
Parvati Shallow (Survivor: Cook Islands)
Courtney Yates (Survivor: China)
Randy Bailey (Survivor: Gabon)
Coach Wade (Survivor: Tocantins)
Tyson Apostol (Survivor: Tocantins)

AND... wait for it...

Russell Hantz AKA Lucifer (Survivor: Samoa)

Seriously? Seriously?!? Lucifer, Jerry, Coach and Rupert all in one place? *looks outside* Yup, just what I thought. It's raining glitter! One name I'm extremely unthrilled to see is Amanda Kimmel. I call her Galumpy because she's a big, boring, awkward, waste of space who makes the sound "galump!" when she walks. I loathe her with every fiber of my being. Having said that, it'll be my distinct pleasure to point out every single one of her faults next season.

I'm hoping this list is accurate, but I cannot 100% guarantee it. I've seen various incarnations of it on several sites, but this one sounded the most reasonable. For the sake of this post (and my sanity), let's assume it's the real deal. What do you guys think? Some of these players have already been on 2 seasons, does that bother you? Whose name were you thrilled to see? Whose name made your ass twitch? Comment it out bitches and have a lovely sparkly day!