Friday, November 27, 2009

The Eye Of The Tiger

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I made it a point to count all of my many blessings (to be later pie charted and evaluated for maximum gloating). In addition to my abundance of charm, I was thankful for Shakira, oars large enough to stir my bathtub gin, sherpas (they might pack opium more efficiently than leprechauns), puppy dog tails, fuschia glitter, glue guns, reality tv, my lovely loyal readers, and, most importantly, Shambo. Shambo, applied liberally and frequently, is the ultimate cure all for psychotic family gatherings. Between my father insisting my brother looks like Taylor Lautner (and then promptly growling like a werewolf for 5 minutes) and my sister staking claim on the family silver when my mother dies (uhhh it's totally mine!), I needed some peace and calm to counteract the 2 magnums of champagne I guzzled in under an hour. Thankfully, Survivor aired a totally Shambolicious "look back" last night. Let's recap, shall we?

Jeff "Dimples" Probst took it upon himself to remind us how much Foa Foa sucked ass this season as well as how dysfunctional Galu was. The one glaring difference between the two tribes, obviously, was their leaders. Dreads interpreted his role as leader similar to that of Louis XIV. In his mind, he was handpicked by God himself and whatever he said was the law of the land. In contrast, Mick fought against his appointment and would rather hide in the trunk of a tree sucking his thumb rather than delegate any responsibility. You see, Buzzkill Mick had it in his mind to play "under the radar" for as long as possible. Being appointed tribe leader 5 minutes into the game kind of put a kink into all of his carefully laid plans and, as a result, we got a stammering, stuttering, indecisive mockery of a leader. Having said that (How great was the Curb Your Enthusiasm finale?), I much prefer Mick's way of governing. Dreads was a douche and I kind of refuse to give him anymore attention.

Mick's lackadaisical attitude opened the door for a little hairy pot bellied man to emerge and wreak havoc. Enter Lucifer, Lord Of The Underworld. "I didn't come here to work. I came here to play!", he bellowed. Wild ponies fell over dead and the Pacific Ocean started to boil. As we all remember, he burned socks, dumped out water, and proceeded to make his tribe's life a living hell, but what we didn't know was that Lucifer has a softer more tender side. Sure, it's ultimately for sacrificing virgins and drinking goat's blood, but it's there. Deep in the bowels of that paunchy frame lies a teeny tiny heart that beats in time with Queen's "We Will Rock You." You see, late at night Lucifer would let the young lovelies in his camp cuddle up next him for warmth. He'd put his chubby little arms around them and stroke their hair whispering some dead language into their ears. They'd coo and giggle while Lucifer totally copped a feel. One would think Lucifer would be happy as a clam fondling young gals under the dark of night, but noooooo Lucifer was fighting some demons of his own... namely his wife's voice inside his head. Who knew? Lucifer is scared to death of the Mrs. and assures her that everything he does, including grabbing a piece of twentysomething ass, is ALL strategy and nothing more. He loves his family to death (probably literally) and would never hurt them. Sure, he probably used a pitchfork to serve the family turkey yesterday, but he did it with love and that's all that matters.

Over at Galu, a very different sort of hero is emerging. Shambo is brazen, outspoken, somewhat awkward, and wears her heart on her sleeve. Apparently, these are all qualities that freak out the 90210 set and Rocket Boy. Shambo lives her life to the fullest and she does it without regret or hesitation. This is foreign to the younger folk in her tribe who are more used to supressing their inner desires and seeking the approval of others before making a move. She's strange and mysterious and seeing her in action is kind of like a Sasquatch sighting (or like Jodie Foster in that movie Nell). No one is sure what to make of it. They're kind of scared. They're kind of intrigued. But basically, they're all just confused and bewildered. Once they learn that Shambo is a friendly Sasquatch who just wants peace and friendship, they'll see that she's not to be feared. In fact, she's to be loved. When that bitch Yasmin called Shambo "Shamu", how much did you guys want to punch her in the face? I'm quite sure Jesus wept in that moment and, thankfully, he sent that loud mouthed waste of space home shortly thereafter.

Another comparison between the two tribes has to be Papayagate. Over at Foa Foa, Lucifer looked up (which is very dangerous for a man in charge of the hellfire and damnation to do by the way) and found a papaya tree. As papayas kind of resemble human hearts, Lucifer dug in and sucked the fruit dry. He did it all in secret refusing to share with his tribe while mumbling, "I'm not their daddy." Similarly, over at Galu STD Erik was doing the exact same thing. Only Erik took it upon himself to chop down his papaya tree and carry it around with him while declaring, "I'm not sharing!". Eventually, the other castaways caught on to the secret papaya eating and we were tortured with a scene of Mike slurping papaya nectar and ASSley waxing poetic about the cardio benefits of the fruit. Seriously, how happy were you in that moment that that bitch went home relatively early? I was beside myself.

Next we were treated to a scene that took place at that violent rugby/footballesque challenge - the one that Hillbilly Ben got booted from. Apparently, in one of the plays Rocket Boy kneed Pretty Boy Jaison in the chest. Now, they replayed it and I have to say that I don't think Rocket Boy did it intentionally, but Jaison obviously felt differently about it. He took it upon himself to climb up on his soapbox and call out Rocket Boy for hurting him and his poor little feelings. For a strapping, good looking young guy, Jaison sure is a pussy. He got his whine on, pointed at Rocket Boy, and declared he's "after him now". Ohhh we're all so scared... not! Shambo, peacemaker extraordinaire, pipes up and says, "Let's leave the blood on the battlefield." Immediately, Jaison regrets saying anything and then goes off on some tangent about how his dad was in Mississippi and something about the Klan and Stanford... seriously, I have no idea what the hell he was talking about or what point he was trying to make. I just wanted him to shut up already. In the end, Pretty Boy Jaison basically starting hating himself all over again and declaring, "I need to win" repeatedly. At this point, I'm convinced Jaison is living in a few parallel universes he fabricated on his own and he's getting them all mixed up. One is obviously 1960's in the deep south and the other is Disneyland I think, but I can't be sure.

Back at Foa Foa, Lucifer and that pesky pride thing of his are having a hard time keeping their mouths shut. He just can't help himself and ends up telling Buzzkill Mick that he owns an oil company and made $1.7 million last year. Mick had been suspicious of Lucifer's backstory all along so Lucifer decided that coming clean to Mick was his best option. It's better to tell Mick what he wants to hear keeping him loyal and trustworthy rather than continuing to live a lie. I was actually a little shocked at Lucifer's forthrightness, but when he confesses that 5 years ago he was living paycheck to paycheck in a trailer, the writing on the wall becomes painfully clear. Clearly, Lucifer sold his soul to the devil. In return, he got success and wealth, but now he's doomed to live his remaining days on Earth satisfying the hungry hellfires of the Underworld. I so knew it all along.

While Lucifer was revealing his innermost secrets at his camp, Shambo was busy serving up some bitchassness back at hers. Danger Dave took it upon himself to tell Shambo that the men of her tribe will take her far in the game, but they're scared she's too emotional and will reveal too many of their secrets. Oh. No. He. Di-in't. Shambo, obviously offended by Danger Dave's hair, snaps back that she doesn't need anyone to take her anywhere. She's a grown ass woman dammit! She says, "I resent that fact that you guys are taking me into this... that's my pride." Dave counters back with, "Watch out. I see your feelings." Wha... wha... what? Who died and made you the "Feelings Police"? Not everyone is as balding and lacking in emotion as you Kenny G. Get over yourself. In the end he tries to hug it out, but Shambo is having none of it. She ends the scene saying, "I'm not in a hugging mood... these people can kiss my ass." You go girl.

Erik, pissed off at not being likable and desperate for airtime, is apparently on a mission... a chicken mission. Ever since Shambo lost that chicken (Daisy), Erik has an abnormal obsession with wanting to be the hero that recaptures her. He completely pulls a Coach (Season 18) and does some goofy yoga moves in the jungle only he looks completely asinine and second rate. No one can do Coach like Coach. Erik spends hours chasing the chicken, trying to bludgeon the chicken, getting clotheslined by the chicken, falling into mud behind chicken, and, in general, simply being outwitted by Chicken Daisy. It dawns on Erik to construct a complicated chicken trap made out of the tribe's fishing net. He carefully attaches it to some trees and then waits. He waits and waits and waits for the chicken to come walking under that net, but Daisy is a fickle bitch and refuses to give Erik the satisfaction. Wouldn't you know it? The day Daisy decides to saunter under the net, Erik is not the one lying in wait. Shambo is. That's one smart chicken. Daisy, obviously feeling bad about disgracing Shambo, let's The Mulleted One avenge herself and become the tribe heroine. Shambo successfully recaptures Daisy while Erik was off doing Sun Salutations or some shit like that. Peace in Galu is once again restored!

That is, until Lucifer comes to join the party. Immediately, Lucifer is up to his old tricks again. In addition to leaving the chicken cage wide open, he walks around the tribe with his hidden immunity idol hanging round his neck! He's sitting there having a one on one conversation with Danger Dave, idol glistening in his chest hairs, and Dave is completely oblivious. I haven't laughed that hard since... well since my dad announced that he "masticates" during dinner last night. That's not a joke by the way. My sister asked my dad why it takes him so long to eat and Papa Lala replied, "Because I masticate." I was literally in tears from laughing so hard and had to excuse myself from the table. Good times in the Lala household I tell you, good times. So yeah, in the wide open Lucifer donned his idol and Dave was none the wiser.

This brings me to the most horrifying part of last night's show. Shambo and Medusa (Laura) are all alone on the beach and Medusa decides to ask Shambo about her family. It's clear that Medusa has no interest whatsoever, but Shambo is made of unicorn tears and cotton candy so she obliges Medusa and tells her a heartbreaking story about how her sister passed away from cancer years ago. Shambo is honest, loving, and baring her soul reliving the exact moment she was informed of her sister's death while stationed in Okinawa. What is Medusa's response? "I wonder where the sun went." Bitch was worried about her tan! Umm Laura, you heinous cunt, the sun is hiding in the clouds OUT OF RESPECT for Shambo's painful loss. Does it not phase you that Shambo is crying her eyes out right in front of you?!? And all you can say is "Pass the suntan lotion."! This woman, a self described Christian, makes Lucifer look like an Olsen twin. Lucifer is positively adorable in comparison to the ugliest of uglies that make up Laura. Seriously, I was completely floored by her utter disrespect and blackened heart. Disgusting, I tell you. Simply disgusting.

Well, my lovelies, that's pretty much all that went down last night. Overall it was a great show even though it was a recap episode. LOTS of new scenes, new insights, and helpful backstories came into play. My favorite part, and I'm sure it was yours too, was the final shot. Were you dying? Shambo, in all her glory, singing Survivor's Eye Of The Tiger! I have three words for you... RINGTONE! Oh. My. God. A flurry of fairies sprinkled pixie dust in my hair, my satyr played his harp, I dunked my head face first into my bathtub of gin, and I smiled... oh how I smiled! The world smiled actually. It was heaven. As no one has taken the liberty of uploading the clip yet, I'll leave you with the music video to the classic theme song to Survivors everywhere - Eye Of The Tiger. Please to enjoy:

So what were your favorite scenes? Did anything shock you, repulse you, tickle you? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!