Friday, December 4, 2009

As American As Elton John

Elton John and Bernie Taupin wrote a song in 1972 entitled "Rocket Man". Supposedly it was based on a Ray Bradbury short story about an astronaut who leaves home to do his job in outer space. Some say the song is really about getting high and escaping into the world of drugs while others argue the song's true meaning is about the pitfalls of being a rock star. A third group portends that the song deals with the trials and tribulations of being in the closet. The arguments are far reaching and heated. I know, I googled them. A similar heated discussion rages on this very morning only it's about an apple pie, a paunchy fire breather named Lucifer, and a question about whether or not Medusa's vengeance has an after life. Will we ever be able to identify the nail in the Rocket Boy's coffin? Fuck if I know, but I'll sure as hell try. Let's recap, shall we?

The episode begins with a giggle. A wind chime in the breeze sounding sort of loveliness. Our mulletted godesss is filled with all sorts of happy after having decapitated Medusa and now she's all a glow. "Medusa has been dethroned. Is that just hysterical?", Shambo asks. Yes, my darling, it is, only... I ummm kind of neglected to tell you that when Medusa's head got chopped off Pegasus flew out. I know, I know... my bad, but seriously how much trouble can one winged horse be? He ended up as a pretty constellation up in space so he can't be that bad, right? Wait a tic... pegasus, flying, constellation, outer space... ROCKETS! Uh oh...

OK so the tribe wakes up to Pocahantas thinking Rocket Boy is Judas (How very "Laura" of her) and Lucifer discovering bundles of cash in the mail. It turns out there are envelopes filled with $500 in cash for everyone. It's auction time bitches! My favorite part of the auction episode is seeing some sad sack bid a ton of money on a glass of sea water or a plate of sea noodles. Hahahaha! Sucker! Except when that sad sack is someone who wears her buff like she's in the band Loverboy. The scene loses all of it's humor when something tragic like that happens, but I'm jumping ahead. So yeah, the tribe members arrive at the auction and are told that they will be bidding in increments of $20. They cannot share their money or their food and the auction can end at any moment without notice.

The first item is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Before Jeff can put the rattan food cover down, Natalie Rat Killer shouts "$200!". Jeff can't believe she started the bidding so high, but Natalie is unphased. When a bitch wants her peanut butter, you give it to her. On to the second item which will remained covered. That should have been a dead give away right there, but Shambo is losing muscle tissue by the second and she's desperate for some protein. She outbids Danger Dave and manages to win Round 2. She's beaming, she's glistening, she's drooling a little knowing that her withering body will get it's much needed nutrition. At home we hoped it was a big juicy steak or at the very least a Medusa Pez dispenser, but no, it was a plate of sea noodles to which Jeff, that bastard, sprinkled parmesan cheese on top of. My heart sank. The other tribe members giggled, but Shambo... my Shambo was positively stoic. She hid her devastation, gulped back her tears, and asked Jeff if the sea noodles had any starchy nutritional value. He answered he didn't know and Shambo, like the princess she is, smiled big and carried her plate back to her seat devouring every last noodle placed before her. That's how you exhibit grace my friends. Not one complaint, not one sneer, not one stomped foot. Just acceptance and the will to go on.

Round 3 also remains covered. The bidding is fast and frenetic. Everyone thinks there's no way they'd put two shitty items back to back. Lucifer, gnawing on a piece of straw, is convinced it's a big piece of doodie on a bed of leaves, but it turns out to be a whole roast chicken which went to Pocahantas of all people.

Round 4 is revealed as an advantage in the next Immunity Challenge. Rocket Boy and Pretty Boy Jaison are all over that shit. Rocket Boy I can understand. He turned on his tribe and a little extra insurance might not be a bad idea, but Pretty Boy? I couldn't fathom why he was so desperate to have that advantage. Pretty Boy asks Jeff what happens if they both bid $500. Jeff tells him that only one person can bid it first. Boom! $500 from Jaison. Just like that. Rocket Boy sits there stunned wondering what the hell just happened.

Round 5 is a cheeseburger, fries, and beer that ends up going to Buzzkill Mick. Pretty Boy was Pretty Pissed over that one. Again, why? He just got his advantage he was so desperate to have. Why are his panties in a twist over a burger? It's at this moment that I begin to wonder what is going on behind the scenes that we're not seeing. By the time we get to Round 6 I'll be full out planning my break in to Mark Burnett's vault for all the unused footage. Rocket Boy actually bids $200 for a clue to the Immunity Idol that we all know Lucifer has buried in his pocket. Granted, Rocket Boy doesn't know he has it, but weren't they all quite obviously and brazenly looking for it just a few days ago? Was Rocket Boy not privy to that search with everyone turning over the stones? I mean, he must have noticed everyone chasing Lucifer after getting back from that last Reward Challenge. I feel like either Rocket Boy, as much as I've grown to appreciate him, was high on crack or just still bitter over losing that Immunity advantage that went to Jaison. Either way, Lucifer just sat there grinning as the fires of hell continue to burn bright.

Round 7 almost made me tinkle. It was a Survivor shower complete with soap, shampoo, and clean underwear. Rocket Boy kind of wanted it and if he was on Tweetdeck at the time he would have seen all the fangirl's tweeting for him to get naked. Instead he decided to let Natalie "I Bludgeon Rats In My Spare Time" have it because he thought it would be hotter for the viewers at home to watch her bathe instead of himself. Have you ever seen a pissed off fangirl Rocket Boy? They're not pretty. They throw their lip gloss at passersby and pull each other's hair. The young and menopausal all wanted to catch a glimpse of Rocket Ass last night, but instead they got Natalie and some creepy synth porn music. Expect hate mail and requests for naked pics over the coming weeks Rocket Boy.

The 8th and final round was the ultimate mindfuck. A piece of apple pie. Innocent, tart, sweet, gooey, sugary and packed with enough evil to let the hounds of hell loose and kill furry little kitties everywhere. Rocket Boy is once again the star when he bids $300 for a slice of pie. Only this time Jeff makes him an offer packed with calories and moral fortitude. John can keep his slice of pie or he can let four others enjoy slices of their own. He pauses, wonders if the group even wants pie, ignores their cries of pie loving desperation, and decides to keep his pie to himself. Immediately, Lucifer tells the home viewing audience what a terrible mistake Rocket Boy just made. He says Rocket Boy should have given some pie to Shambo. I'm with Lucifer on this one. When the opporunity to feed Shambo presents itself, you take it. No questions asked. I have no logical proof or sound reasoning as to why one should do this. I just think Happy Shambo, Happy World. *jots that down as a bumper sticker idea*

Back at camp, that decision not to feed Shambo has put a big black cloud over everything. Rocket Boy is searching in vain for an Idol that isn't there and Shambo is delivering some not so nice news to her chickens. "Chickens," she says, "We're going to have to have you for lunch today." *pause for fairies falling down dead* She's very matter of fact and she's putting on a brave face while she tells her chickens she'll see them in heaven. Only later when she's alone do we see her devastation. She tells us how those chickens were her single source of happiness for the past 29 days. *reaches for a tissue* We all dimmed our lights, pushed away the bucket of KFC sitting in our laps, and lit a candle for fallen chickens everywhere. Those chickens brought Shambo peace in a confusing and unfair world. They took a nothing day and made it all seem worthwhile. Well it's you chicken and you should know it, with each glance and every little movement you show it...

Cut to Lucifer bludgeoning the chicken's head in with a machete. Buzzkill Mick held it down while Lucifer smashed it's head over and over and over and over and over again (a little too lightly if you ask me) and guffawed while relishing every second of the sacrifice. Well, it had to be done. The dark gods were screaming for a ritual killing and they had to be appeased. It had been a while since Lucifer had committed a truly heinous act and this sacrifice just couldn't be avoided. Vile beasts were bellowing and begging for blood and their cries could no longer be ignored.

Satan's Mullet (the magical alliance of Lucifer and Shambo) always works in tandem so when Lucifer was done drinking the chicken's blood out of an ornate chalice, the carcass was then passed on to Shambo to prepare a succulent meal. She had it all planned out. 1 part salt water, 2 parts fresh water, and a sprinkle of love. "Boiling the chicken yields the greatest amount of meat", says Shambo Colicchio. Padma looked on and agreed and we were off to the races! That is, until Danger Dave waltzed up and dared to question the Chef. He says boiling the chicken for 2 hours will ruin it. Shambo Ripert, empowered by Lucifer's hellfires, spat at Dave and in not so many words told him to fuck off. She's the captain of this ship now and questioning her will only result in scurvy and a bitch slap so you better step off Kenny G. Unfortunately, we never get to find out how the meal turned out. I'm assuming it was a tasty feast. If any Survivors want to email and let me know how it turned out, I'd be very appreciative.

Speaking of Survivors who are emailing me, nice segue huh? I think this is as good a place as any to discuss how someone, we'll call her Yasmin, is trying to bombard my blog with hate comments. I was rejecting them early on because the spelling offended me something awful, but this last one was just too good to ignore. First off, Yasmin found me by searching "bitchie blog" so that should tell you the education level we're dealing with here. Yasmin wanted to publish the following comment on a blog I wrote weeks ago, but I wanted to be sure you all saw it right here and now: "This Bitchie chick seems REAL JEALOUS of the BLACK SEXY BITCH it and weep you worthless tramp!!!My My My Im sure some Black Hot chick must have stole your man because u seem like a bitter CUNT!!!!!!!...LMAO @ u fucking wanna be!" Not only is it articulate, but I was called a "worthless tramp". *swoon* Music to my ears, my darling. Keep 'em coming Yasmin. You're good for comic relief.

Anyhow, back to our story. Night has settled in and all the little lovelies are nestled in their beds. One lone curly Survivor sleeps fitfully. She's kicking at her covers, Loverboy buff covering her eyes, random crabs crawling all around while God himself delivers her a message. "Shambo, this is God, you must vote out Dave. Oh and I have your chicken. Thank you." Shambo awakes with the rising sun and looks at the world around her. It all may look the same, but it's different too somehow. Colors are more vivid, sounds are sharper, the chicken cage looks a little less occupied. A miracle has taken place and it's Shambo's duty to carry it out. You see, all her life, Shambo has been having nocturnal convos with God. He whispers sweet nothings into her ear and, as a result, she's special and filled with light and love. When you're filled with light and love what's the first thing you do? Yup. You run to Lucifer.

Shambo tells Lucifer how she had a dream about voting out Dave. Lucifer looks at her, straight faced, and says that that's what they have to do now. Of course 2 seconds later he's talking to us and laughing while his belly jiggles (Seriously, why hasn't he lost any weight?). One could look at this as a betrayal, but I prefer to look at it as Lucifer not wanting to hurt Shambo's feelings. I maintain that deep down inside the fiery embers of his soul, Lucifer has a soft spot for all things Shambo. He doesn't like to see her sad and he chooses to protect her from anything that might make her frown. Even Satan's only son can see the power in a Shambo smile. It's a theory in it's early stages. I'm still working on it.

This brings us to the Immunity Challenge. Survivors have to grip a rope holding a heavy log. Every 3 minutes they have to alternate hands gripping a knot lower on the rope. The lower the knots, the heavier the log gets. Pretty Boy Jaison's advantage is that at any time he can move his hands 2 knots up on the rope. Survivor's ready, go! Pretty Boy uses his 2 knot advantage only after the 4th knot. In my notes I wrote "IDIOT". Turns out, I might have been wrong about that. Shambo, tickled in the no-no by the ghost of an angry chicken, let's go first and tumbles backwards. Immediately afterwards, Lucifer let's go too. See?!? I told you he doesn't like to see Shambo's feelings hurt. Shortly thereafter, they're followed by Pochantas, Rocket Boy, and Mick. It's down to Natalie Stronger Than She Looks, Danger Dave, and Pretty Boy Jaison. Jeff makes a comment about Natalie holding on longer than he thought she would which is such a loaded comment I can't stand it. Was he trying to say that a woman wasn't meant to win that challenge cuz that's what it sounded like to me? Anyhow, the comment must have pissed Natalie Hiding Secret Muscles because she let's go. It's Dave and Jaison now. Dave is doing some weird Yoga breathing thing, but I think the sun scalded his bald spot too much because he let's go and JAISON WINS IMMUNITY!

Back at camp, Shambo is self-assured and out to spread the word of God. The old Foa Foa agree to vote out Dave, but Rocket Boy, unbeknownst to himself, is about to fuck it all up. Rocket Boy is sitting on a log with Lucifer reminding him of the deal they made last Tribal Council. Lucifer suggests they vote out Mick which is hunky dorey with Rocket Boy, but is also a complete and utter lie. Then Rocket Boy pushes his luck. He tries to slyly slip in a comment about the Immunity Idol. He has a hunch Lucifer has it and it's clear he's trying get verification. Lucifer wasn't born in Hell yesterday so he's wise to what Rocket Boy is up to. At first he denies knowing anything about the Idol, but the temptation to dance with Pride is just way too strong. Lucifer ends up barfing out that he has the Idol and in one fell swoop Rocket Boy's future in this game is now uncertain. You see, there are two things Lucifer can't stand to have in his presence. One is a girl who questions him and the other is someone knowing he has the Idol. Well, Rocket Boy fills the bill of the latter and now, much like that chicken, he must be sacrificed. It wasn't meant to go down that way, but the Underworld has it's laws too and they just so happen to supercede the laws of, oh I don't know, God and Shambo.

Lucifer leaves Rocket Boy thinking Mick is the sacrificial lamb. He then runs to Mick and tells him that due to unfortunate circumstances Rocket Boy must go. Mick is thrilled. Rocket Boy is one of the only good looking guys left. It's just better for Mick all around if he disappears now. He skips daintily over to Pretty Boy Jaison to share the news. You'd think that after last week's recap of Jaison threatening Rocket Boy that he'd be totally onboard as well. Not so! Pretty Boy Jaison has had an awakening of sorts and he answers to only one person from now on: Shambo. Pretty Boy has seen the light, or the mullet, and he's scared that Shambo will leave him if he doesn't vote out Dave as planned. He's seen how Galu hung her out to dry and treated her like trash and he doesn't want to put her through that again. Awwww. In that moment, I really liked Pretty Boy. He might babble a lot and live in several parallel universes, but the truth is he's a genuinely nice guy deep down inside. While nice may be lovely on the outside world, it's serves only to hinder in the Survivor world especially if you have Satan's only son calling the shots.

Lucifer has a heart to heart with Dave and tells him that he's in danger (Ha! Get it? Danger... nevermind) and that unless he agrees to vote out Rocket Boy, he's a goner. Danger Dave thinks about it for maybe a millisecond, agrees, and goes to back to his alliance to spread the word. The only people not let in on the new plan are Shambo and Rocket Boy. I'll just tell myself that Lucifer was protecting Shambo and leave it at that. Rocket Boy, on the other hand, well, he should have shared his pie I guess. I don't know.

Cut to Tribal Council where Shambo is sitting on a rainbow describing how for the first time the day wasn't about strategy at all. Jeff, seeing his opening for drama, asks Lucifer what he thinks. Lucifer says the entire day was about strategizing which makes Medusa, over on the jury with a stupid flower in her hair, giggle and gloat. Shambo is too busy making a candy necklace to realize what's about to go down. No matter how hard Jeff tries to make Shambo realize that all is not well, she's unphased and confident. She had that dream, remember? Her dreams mean more to her than Jeff's prodding ever could. Unfortunately, dreams aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Let's read the votes. Mick... (Rocket Boy smiles) Dave... (Shambo glows)... John... (Rocket Boy smirks)... JOHN... (uh oh)... JOHN... (at this point Rocket Boy's smile completely disappears)... JOHN... JOHN (Rocket Boy's jaw is now on the floor)... JOHN (Medusa mumbles "He's so screwed" - oh shut up you old hag!)... JOHN... JOHN IS VOTED OUT OF SURVIVOR SAMOA. Douchified Erik whips his shirt off and tweaks his own nipples. Danger Dave sits back smug. Rocket Boy is damn near in tears and Shambo sits there wondering when the REAL votes will be read.

It wasn't meant to go down like that Rocket Boy. You grew on us. You rubbed noses with Lucifer but you got too close to the flame. You dance with the devil and you're only going to get burned. You may be a Rocket Boy to the world, but to me you'll always be a Rocket MAN. This one's for you:

So what did you guys think? Did you want Rocket Boy to go last night? How do you think this will affect next week? Will Lucifer finally be in trouble? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Here is this week's Life At Ponderosa. Please to enjoy:

UPDATE: CBS just sent out a press release that next week's episode will be a DOUBLE ELIMINATION.