Friday, December 11, 2009

I'm A Snake, That's What I Do

I remember back in elementary school hearing a story about how a tribe in Africa could bang on their drums in such a way that it could literally stop your heart. As Survivor's soundtrack tends to favor the dumbek (hey, I used to be a belly dancer... the dumbek and I are old friends) one would think that it would be impossible for it's relatively shallow sound to push anyone into cardiac arrest. Well my friends, I beg to differ. I'm relatively young, I work out everyday, I'm a supplement junkie, I don't eat crap food, and, I tell you, I came as close to having a heart attack last night as a 260 lb pound man who lives on cheesesteaks and beer. As soon as I'm done writing this, I'm calling some local hospital supply stores for my own personal defibrillator. That shit last night freaked me the hell out. Let's recap, shall we?

(Tara from True Blood being glamoured)

Rocket Boy has been sent home and Shambo is positively flummoxed. Sure, they blindsided him, but they blindsided her as well. I can't help but think that the fact that Shambo was created from unicorn tears keeps her a little too innocent and pure. She's not as adept as spotting traitors as one would hope, but we're captivated by her curls so we ignore her sheer disbelief in all things evil and we continue to love her. Lucifer, as Lord Of The Underworld, has a soft spot for Shambo so he carresses her mullet and tells her that Rocket Boy was after her and all he did was protect her. He gazes into her eyes and tells her he was looking out for her. It's kind of like when a vampire glamours a mortal. Shambo is helpless to his powers so she just nods her curly mane up and down and thanks him for watching her back. Lucifer skips off into the night air, howls at the moon, and tells us "This is just too easy." The Earth grumbled a little in response as some fairies dropped over dead I think.

A new day dawns and we're introduced to a bright and shiny new player. Meet Useless Brett. Never has a tribe member gotten less air time than this dude has. So yeah anyhow, Brett is on the beach with Pocahantas and they're talking about who's cuter: Zac Efron or Chace Crawford. My vote is for Chace but that's neither here nor there. In the heat of the cute boy convo Brett's nipples have gotten, how shall I this, aw hell they're hard as rocks. Seriously, did you see those things? They're like brand new pencil erasers. So Brett and his nipples are freaking me out and Pretty Boy Jaison saunters up looking for new friends. Pocahantas, as transparent as ever, tries to innocently ask Jaison who he'd vote for to win the million dollars. Useless McWasteOfSpace jumps in and declares that he'd vote for Lucifer or Buzzkill Mick. Jaison agrees and Pochantas lies back pleased with herself like she's actually accomplished something.

Pretty Boy Jaison, obviously disturbed that they think so highly of Lucifer, begins to tell them that he's really Lucifer's sidekick. All along he's been the good cop to Lucifer's bad cop. Were any of you guys as shocked as I was when Pretty Boy was characterizing himself as some sort of master strategist? He actually sat there and told Pocahantas and Brett that he was the decision maker in all of the eliminations. First off, with Pretty Boy I'm very, "What have you done for me lately?". He did nothing but whine for the first 6 episodes and, as of late, he's gone and developed Multiple Personality Disorder. The only time I ever saw him as a valuable member of Foa Foa was when he stood up for Shambo, but then again, "Thou shall respect The Shambo" is the eleventh commandment. Finally, Pretty Boy catches on to Pocahantas' and Brett's eye rolling and he barfs out that Lucifer made 2 million dollars last year. OK as annoyed as this made me... it wasn't that bad of a move. I am going to throw out there that spilling the beans on being a millionaire will be Lucifer's single biggest mistake in this game. He should have never said a thing about his oil company. It may not have bit him in the ass this week, but it will eventually. Mark my words.

This brings us to our first Immunity Challenge of the night. Is it swimming for miles and solving a complicated puzzle? Hell no. It's bowling bitches! Players are randomly matched up with a partner. Last person standing wins. Obviously, they let an intern plan this challenge, but let's ignore that and get on with the game. First up is Shambo v. Natalie. Natalie flings her ball into the gutter and now it's Shambo's turn. We all sat up a little straighter because we knew... oh yes, we knew. Shambo and her gal pals back at home are old pros when it comes to bowling. They'd hop on their Harleys, cruise down to the local lanes every Friday night, and they'd bowl. They'd bowl their hearts out! Foreigner blasting on the loudspeaker, a Michelob in hand, flannel shirts swinging free in the breeze... this is how real women spend their Fridays. All the ladies, robust in stature, would have been there. Babs, Sue, Julie, Doris... there are two things they do well in life. Fix spark plugs and BOWL. Shambo, glistening in the sun, remembering the good old days says, "This is for all my friends that play in a bowling league". She takes a deep breath, shoots the ball, and whacks down all put one pin. At home we all cheered and tested out our New Year's Eve 2010 noisemakers.

Next is Lucifer and Useless Brett. I was kind of hoping Lucifer would just breath fire and knock down all his pins, but he went ahead and played it old school. He rolls a 4 while Useless Brett rolls two gutter balls. I think his nipples got in his way, but I can't be sure. Then we have Buzzkill Mick and Danger Dave. Dave does his weird yoga breaths and actually pulls off a strike. Lucifer grimaces on the sidelines and Dave claps his hands together in a prayer pose and does a Japanese bow thing. Douche.

In the Semifinals, we start off with Shambo v. Lucifer. Lucifer may be Satan's only son, but he didn't bowl in the Greater Women of Seattle Bowling Grand Prix in '87, did he? No, he did not. Shambo wins it in a walk and I thought to myself, "This is the night my girl wins Immunity. I just know it!". Well, I may have claimed to be Nostradamus in the past, but it's not like I really meant it. In a weird turn of events, Shambo kind of chokes in the Finals and Pretty Boy JAISON WINS IMMUNITY! Groan.

Back at camp, Shambo is all love and light. Danger Dave lost and that's all that matters. Until... well, until the most horrifying 5 minutes of my life took place. Pocahantas is having a talk with Lucifer and she asks him who's going home that night. Lucifer bellows out Dave's name and Pocahantas asks, "You think so?" Lucifer responds, "I know so." Pochantas, who should only be worrying about herself at this point, goes into some speech about how Danger Dave really isn't all that much of a threat. Actually he is, you flat chested freak. He's smart, he's good at challenges, and he's somewhat a leader. Then she does it... she brings up Shambo's name. *stabs self in pancreas with a hot poker* She argues that Shambo is a hard worker in addition to being well-liked. Had it not been for the footage of Shambo in her jog bra gathering fire wood, I might have been in tears at that point. It's a known fact that Pocahantas is the worst liar on the planet so I figured Lucifer would just shrug her off and go about his day of skinning ponies and drinking squirrel blood, but noooooo. It turns out his secret mission in life is to age me 20 years and give me premature heart disease.

Lucifer scratches his belly, looks to the sky, and suddenly begins talking about how it might not be a bad idea after all to keep Dave in the game and get rid of Shambo. Wha... wha... what?!? Am I hearing this correctly? No dammit... I said NO! Was the pony blood not to your liking this morning Lucifer? Come on man, get it together. Lucifer waddles over to Dave and actually tells him that keeping him in the game works to his advantage, but only after reprimanding Dave for not trying to get on his side and strategize with him. Lucifer proposes they vote out Shambo instead. *plucks out eyeball with a spoon and eats it* Dave says something about miracles happening all the time and how "the fricking Lord provides". As grateful as I'm sure the "fricking Lord" is Dave, I hate you. I want nothing to do with you or your Kenny G. hair. You threaten Shambo, you threaten me and I can't have that.

Buzzkill Mick, possibly trying to warn Shambo, tells her that Galu is gunning for her. She tosses back her curls and just laughs, "They've been gunning for me all along... I'm the Sham with the plan. No one can compete with me." *quickly puts in an order for "I'm the Sham with the plan" keychains* She smacks him on his ass and sends him on his way. In her mind, Danger Dave is going home. End of discussion. Uh... not so fast. The segment ends with Lucifer telling Natalie that she is to vote out Shambo tonight. Oh. God. No. Please let this be one of Lucifer's evil tricks... *fights back tears*

We arrive at our first Tribal Council of the night and I'm freaking the fuck out. On Twitter I was having a panic attack. At home my fingers were covering my eyes for I was too scared to watch. My heart was in my throat as Jeff began prodding the castaways with questions. Pretty Boy Jaison starts yammering about getting out the stronger people or something like that. Honestly, I don't know what the hell he was saying. I was too busy giving myself gin... intravenously. Jeff Dimples Probst begins to talk about how Shambo wants to get rid of the people that don't deserve to win. She starts to talk about how she didn't want Rocket Boy to go last week and how she was more blindsided than he was. Dimples scoffs and tells her she's doing a great job of working the jury. Shambo promptly gets up, marches over to him, and smacks him in the face with her mullet. Through clenched teeth she tells him that she's being serious and to stop acting like a jack ass. Well, at least that's how I saw it going down.

Danger Dave chimes in and talks about how people should vote on who they want to go to the Finals with. I'm just sitting here, jaw on the floor, realizing my worst nightmare is about to come true. My precious Shambo will be going home and she has no idea. I want to leap through the screen and comfort her, but all I can do is sit on the couch helpless and watch the horror unfold right before my eyes. I clutch my pearls, wipe my brow, set my IV to deliver my gin faster, and I sit and wait as Jeff proceeds to read the votes. SHAMBO... *weeps thick salty tears*, DAVE... Shambo smirks, DAVE, DAVE... *Did I hear that correctly?*, DAVE... *pulls hands away from face and cocks neck to hear better*, DAVE... *giant toothy grin*, DAVE IS THE ELEVENTH PERSON VOTED OUT OF SURVIVOR SAMOA!!!! Cue the dancing girls. Fireworks lit up the night sky, I flung off my shirt, danced a little jig, sprinkled glitter in my hair, and collapsed onto the floor into a pile of exhausted euphoria. I swear to you good people that that's as close as I've ever come to having a full out heart attack. I'm quite sure this season of Survivor isn't doing my blood pressure any favors.

As glorious as that moment was and as much as I could have easily ended my night there with a mini pub crawl, we're forced to go through the drama once more. It's at this point that I'm now convinced that CBS has millions of dollars in shares in every single high blood pressure medication known to man. Sadistic bitches... that's what they are.

The next day at camp Lucifer wakes and tells Buzzkil Mick that Useless Brett is the biggest threat. He's way too likable and he's an all around nice guy. I was thinking... "But his nipples, they're HUGE! There's no way he can win with nipples that big." Actually, I think there's no way Brett will make it to the Final 2 for one reason and one reason only. He has gotten zero air time all season long. There's no way CBS would build up the show to Brett being in the Final 2 without giving him adequate air time. It just can't go down like that.

Buzzkill Mick proceeds to asks Lucifer who exactly he'd take to the Finals with him. You see, Mick is a little worried now. He fancies himself to be just as likable as Brett and if Brett is expendable in Lucifer's eyes then it's only a matter of time until Mick is too. Mick expresses his concern and in doing so proceeds to make Lucifer very wary of Mick's trustworthiness. It's all a big mindfuck at this point. Loyalties are breaking down and no one can trust each other anymore. Except Shambo... we can all trust Shambo, but that's neither here nor there.

This brings us to our second Immunity Challenge. Tribe members have to swim out and retrieve three bags, one at a time. They have to put their bags on a seesaw thingie and, using their own weight, catapult their bags into a basket above their heads. Survivors ready, go! Pretty Boy Jaison flies out into the water and gets his first bag before anyone else. He's followed by Mick, Brett, and Lucifer. Natalie and Shambo are very slowly bringing up the rear. Shambo has no more muscle mass so she's excused, but Natalie looks like she's taking a leisurely stroll in the pretty clear blue waters. She hasn't a care in the world other than trying not to flash Jeff her Pikachu. You see, Natalie's having bathing suit issues and her bottoms keep slipping off. Jeff is thrilled of course and calls her out for losing too much weight to keep her panties on. Back in the game, Useless Brett very quickly makes his first basket with Buzzkill Mick pulling a close second. They will stay neck in neck for the entire length of the challenge, but, in the end, BRETT WINS IMMUNITY! Boo.

Pretty Boy Jaison is less than thrilled with Brett sticking around for a little longer and claims he's put a wrench into his big master plan. He muses that Pocahantas will just have to go now. Back at camp, Shambo is cooing and gushing over Brett for some reason calling him "Baby Boy" and kissing him on the cheek. I figure she's just drunk on fermented coconut juice and leave it at that. Pocahantas quickly realizes she's up shit's creek if she doesn't do something fast. She dons her incredibly ineffective poker face and prepares to approach Lucifer.

Useless Brett, Pochantas, and Buzzkill Mick are all lying around on the beach braiding each other's hair. Pocahantas decides maybe she'll prepare for her talk with Lucifer by practicing first on Mick. She dives into how Lucifer will take either Natalie or Shambo to the end and that Mick doesn't have a prayer. Mick nods very seriously and says, "You don't think I worry about that everyday?" Then he gathers Brett and Pocahantas into his lap and tells them a story about a kid and a snake. An innocent child befriends a snake until one day the snake bites him. The child asks, "Why the hell did you do that bitch?" The snake says, "Because I'm a snake you asshole." The End. It's a touching story full of all sorts of parallels and images. More importantly, it gave me my blog title. That's all I really care about.

Then Mick starts talking about creative visualization and how he visualizes winning the cash every night before he goes to sleep. Immediately, I think of Shakti Gawain. She's this lady who writes books on visualization and, ok, I'm admitting to reading one or two of them when I went through my "new age phase". Anyhow, the shit works so I'm a little frightened. With Mick harnessing Shakti's power, who knows how far he can get? Buzzkill Mick winning this season is about as anticlimactic as you can get. I can't allow that to happen. I'll start visualizing my own outcome from now on. I encourage you all to do the same. Let's visualize Shambo winning and Lucifer coming in second. Sure, Lucifer's played a better game, but he's already rich. Let's let Shambo buy herself some new headbands and another Harley.

OK so now Pochantas is all ready for her big talk with Lucifer. She finds him making a wreath out of deer horns on the beach and instead of easing in she tells him he's an idiot and is keeping too many threats in this game. Way to butter him up you moron. Lucifer just looks at her sideways and smirks. He thinks he's in the best position possible in this game and will she please go away because he really wants to get his wreath done before Christmas. Pocahantas is unphased. She's tries tactic #2. This time she tells him that Jaison is waiting for Day 36 when Lucifer can't play his Idol anymore. This actually gets Lucifer's attention. He raises an eyebrow and asks her to elaborate. She says she can turn turn the whole jury against Lucifer and he'll lose no matter what. Lucifer smacks her upside the head and demands she tell him more about the loyalty of his crew. Pochantas falls into line and tells Lucifer that Natalie already told everyone that he's a millionaire and that no one wants a millionaire to win. Oh no she di-in't. Oh yes she did! Lucifer jumps up, shoves her face in the sand, and marches to Natalie right quick.

I'm kind of meh on Natalie, but last night I was scared for her life. She was sitting on the beach making a bracelet out of rat's tails when Lucifer approaches. He wastes zero time and immediately reprimands her for telling people he has money. Natalie has no idea what he's talking about so she pleads for her life and they go off together in search of the real culprit. They don't have to travel far for Brett is more than happy to throw Pretty Boy Jaison under the bus. Lucifer literally has steam coming out of his ears at this point and if Jaison didn't annoy me so much, I might have been scared for him too.

Lucifer breathes fire through his nose, opens his eyes real wide, and marches his little paunchy body over to Pretty Boy Jaison. He wastes no time ringing him up to some branches with some twine. He hooks up a car battery to some jumper cables and holds the connectors dangerously close to Jaison's nipples. Pretty Boy's voice raises about 3 octaves as he insists he didn't tell anyone about Lucifer's money. Lucifer glances down at the urine dripping down Jaison's leg and concedes to let him go. Pretty Boy runs to a free camera, calls upon another one of his personalities, and tells us that he honestly doesn't remember spilling the beans about Lucifer's cashola. Ok Sybil, whatever you say.

What can Lucifer do now but run to Shambo? Whenever you're feeling bad you go to Shambo. It's only common sense. He sits down next to her and tells her how mad he is. She comforts him and makes him some chamomile tea. He says, "Making me mad fuels my fire." Two things crossed my mind that made me laugh in that moment. A) He's publicly acknowledged that the fires of hell burn bright in his belly and B) I was totally reminded of Matt Dillon in Singles when he says, "This negative energy only makes me stronger. Tomorrow we rock Portland!" The scene ends with Lucifer telling us "This little bitch (nee Monica) needs to be sent home tonight." For some really good laughs regarding this, see Russell Swan's Facebook page where he gets all in a tizzy over the use of the word "bitch". He threatening to call Lucifer out at the finale. Yeah right.

Now we arrive at Tribal Council #2 or what I like to call Girl, Interrrupted Part Deux. OK so the jury enters and Danger Dave's hair is unusually poofy. Lucifer, obviously annoyed by it, stands up in front of everyone, whips the Immunity Idol necklace out of his pocket, and places it onto his hairy chest. Balls I tell you. Big huge titanium swinging balls. Lucifer's got 'em and everyone should be scared of them. Shambo sits stunned. She loves surprises especially when they're "Lucifer Surprises". Dimples asks Lucifer what's up and Lucifer tells him he found "a pretty little necklace" he thought would look good in the firelight. *giggles and claps* Here's where the Girl, Interrupted part comes in. Pochantas, obviously having ingested too many Zolofts that day, starts to get really maniacal and creepy. She rolls her eyes dons what she thinks is a black girl accent and says that Lucifer is "getting a little cocky up in here." Her shoulders are twitching and her eyes are shifty. All the while she's got a huge toothy grin on her face. Seriously you guys, she was freaking me out. I think she needed a Thorazine drip or something, but I'm not sure.

Dimples steers the conversation to how the day went and Shambo sighs and puts a sad face on. It was stressful and she didn't like it one bit she declares. Pocahantas, crazy and anxious, interrupts my angel and shouts, "It was awesome!" She goes on to say how tickled pink she was that Lucifer had his feathers ruffled. She enjoyed watching him lose his cool and have to do damage control. The entire time all I could think was, "I'm looking at a dead girl right now. She's literally digging her grave." She keeps foaming at the mouth all the while smiling. It was really weird, her mouth was smiling but her eyes were telling a completely different story. This bitch was petrified and it was all over her face. Then Jeff tries to claim that Pocahantas was Lucifer's student and the student has one upped the teacher or some shit like that. I didn't like where he was going because he was giving Pocahantas way to much credit so I fashioned another dart board with Jeff's face in the middle of it.

Seriously, it was the weirdest Tribal Council ever. You have Pocahantas losing her ever loving mind, Lucifer swinging his balls in everyone's face, Brett mumbling to himself, Jaison rocking back and forth staring at the ground, and Mick realizing he's not as smart as he once thought. It was a train wreck and I loved every minute of it. Nurse Ratchet, errr I mean Dimples, tells the bitches to shut up and vote. At home we were all thinking, "What's Lucifer gonna do? Is he gonna play the Idol or not?" Dimples carries the votes back, asks if anyone wants to play the Immunity Idol, Lucifer surveys the crowd carefully looking into everyone's eyes, and keeps his chunky ass planted in his seat. He's not gonna play it. *bites fist* Delicious. Let's read the votes... MONICA... LUCIFER... MONICA... LUCIFER... Dave whispers "awesome" and my heart pounded louder... MONICA... wait for it... MONICA IS THE TWELFTH PERSON VOTED OUT OF SURVIVOR SAMOA. Oh. My. God. Was that as good for you as it was for me? *lights a cigarette* That was Awesome in it's purest form. Love it!

So, what did you guys think? Will the million dollar confession be Lucifer's downfall? How did Dave's hair get so poofy? Why is Erik wearing Brett's ugly shirts? Does Brett have a chance to win? How much longer will Lucifer keep Mick and Jaison around? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Life at Ponderosa isn't up on youtube yet so check back later for the new clips.