Monday, December 21, 2009

A Bunch of FECKLESS Idiots

A big gigantic steaming pile of bullshit. That's what I'm picturing right now. Sprinkle on top of that a generous dusting of disappointment, disbelief, and anger and you've pretty much got my innermost feelings in a nut shell. The weird part about it is that there's something oddly familiar about this feeling I'm experiencing right now. Is it possible I've gone through this once before? Oh, I don't know, maybe 3 MONTHS AGO WHEN A BLOATED SOUTHERN IDIOT WON BIG BROTHER?!? Seriously, how frustrating is it when a massive amount of cash is simply handed over to someone who does very little, lurks in the background, and relies on someone stronger to carry her through to the end? It's hair pulling, teeth clenching (Owww!), kitten punching kinds of frustrating is what it is. I don't care if the winner is likable and cute. I'm not talking about winning a likable and cute contest, am I? No. I'm talking about winning brutal human chess games fortified with layers of strategy, betrayal, and deception. Games that take ruthless planning and require razor sharp instincts. Games where you leave emotion at the door and pray that God won't send you to hell when it's all said and done. Games where skill and cunning should be rewarded not ignored. Games where blonde simpletons don't walk away with loads of cash in their pockets! Games where a jury comprised of MORONS doesn't make some chick with an accent wealthy! FUCK! Let's recap, shall we? This is really long so settle in.

The episode opens with an all too familiar sound... well, since Shambo's gone it's not her purring so that leaves only one other option. Yep, the sound of Pretty Boy Jaison bitching and moaning about how hard Survivor is. The precious little prima donna has a case of the runs and no one's fed him grapes while rubbing his feet for the past month so the poor little pony needs a nap. Lucifer, reading my mind, rubs his belly and bellows that the bitching from the Pretty Boy needs to stop. He doesn't need to hear that crap. He doesn't need to be bothered with people who ache for pumice stones and foie gras. At this point in the game he needs to be surrounded by SUPERSTARS, people who actually deserve to be there. Instead of lying around moaning about how hard life is, they should be doing push-ups and sprints and preparing to kick that kid with the freaky nipples' ass! How did Lucifer get to this point in the game surrounded by a bunch of inept misfits? I'll tell you how. He brought them there.

Except for Useless Brett (nee Nipples McGee), every single one of those bitches got where they were because of Lucifer. Nipples snuck into the game 3 days ago on a ferry boat full of fisherman. He wore a dark wig, some rubber boots, and a painted on a mustache. It's amazing, really, how easy it is to cross International waters unnoticed, but that's neither here nor there. This mysterious Bible quoting nipply freak of nature snuck into the game and apparently he's here to stay. What's worse is that everyone is actually scared of this sideways talking kid with the floppy hair and horrifying t-shirts. Lucifer can't comprehend what about him is so scary. He declares, "He's not Mike Tyson. He's Brett!" And then he cut a squirrel's head off or something. I can't remember.

And we arrive at our first Immunity Challenge. I'll be honest here. I was kind of preoccupied with yelling at fucktarts online who kept tweeting and faceboooking spoilers (You see, I was about 15 minutes behind everyone else. I'm not sure why, but everyone was getting the show at different times last night.) to take my usual painstakingly perfect notes. As luck would have it, it turns out my notes didn't need to be intricate and detailed. Players were instructed to race an obstacle course, collect puzzle pieces, and solve said puzzle. Hmm, now where have I seen a challenge like that before? *scratches head* Oh, I know! I've seen it in just about every. single. challenge. this. season. Look CBS, I know times are tough and the economy isn't what it used to be and all, but that's no excuse for flaking out on the challenges for your only/hugely popular reality shows. Is it too much to ask for some ingenuity? Maybe you could borrow whoever designs those courses for WIPEOUT. It's just a suggestion. Yeah so anyhow they ran, they gathered, they tried to solve, and that little pustule BRETT WINS IMMUNITY... again. FUCK!

Lucifer is a little nervous at this point. Not for himself mind you. He's nervous for Natalie. You see, in Lucifer's mind he thinks there's no way in hell a jury would give a little quiet timid coattail riding blonde girl who's avoided making a single decision the entire length of the game a million dollars. I mean, seriously, something that ludicrous could never happen. right? *sigh* It's a shame Lucifer was in Samoa all summer. Had he been here to watch Big Brother 11 he would have seen how exactly something that horrifying could happen. Anyhow Lucifer, unaware that moronic juries grow on trees now, spends a good amount of time securing Natalie's safety. He tells Pretty Boy Jaison they'll vote out Buzkill Mick and he tells Buzzkill Mick they'll vote out Pretty Boy Jaison. When the time is right, Lucifer and Natalie will decide which one will get the axe.

This brings us to our first Tribal Council of the evening. Jeff Dimples Probst immediately starts in on Nipples pointing fingers saying things like, "Hey, didn't you get here on a fishing boat?" Jeff, like so many of us, is kind of flummoxed as to how Nipples is still there, where he came from, and when, for the love of god, is he leaving. Nipples just smiles, talks out of half his mouth, and tries to conduct a mass or something. Jeff cuts him off and tells him it's one thing to get to the end, but it's entirely another to deserve to be there. Oh Jeff, you have no idea how profound (and prophetic) you are. I spent half the summer fighting off bored cat ladies wondering how the hell Jordan, who ate her weight in cookie dough daily, managed to stay in the Big Brother house. You know how there's "Save Darfur"? Well, I kind of want to "Save Reality". Yes, I'm saying it, nondeserving blonde southern chicks winning large sums of money is akin to genocide, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Ok so let's vote.... JAISON GET THE FUCK OUT. Good. It's about time. He should have been gone in Week 3.

Pretty Boy Jaison whimpers a little, asks for some cuticle cream, and through some massive pouting declares that he's now rooting for Nipples. Wha... wha... what?!? Nipples?!? You spend a horrifyingly difficult month in the jungle calling yourself a master strategist and you're ready to hand a million to some kid who didn't even show up until 3 days ago? *throws hands in air* And there, my lovely readers, is where the game begins to slowly crumble and fall apart. Actually, in an effort to be brutally accurate, the game started to fall apart for me after seeing last week's Life At Ponderosa episodes. Seeing Kelly and Medusa sit and marinate in their own bitterness was a telltale sign that this entire season was not going to end well. Emotions. Those pesky little things that break people's hearts, instigate murders, and get drowned out with copious amounts of prescription drugs have no place in a game like Survivor. Leave those bitches at the door. Emotions are for Lifetime movies and funerals not for a Survivor Jury.

Back at camp, Nipples and his... well, nipples... are positively beaming. He declares it's a miracle he's still there and then he tries to turn some water into wine I think. Buzzkill Mick in a pretty funny aside mutters something about the reamaining four being the "Final Foa". Lucifer, on the other hand, actually gets down to business and begins to plan his next move. He pulls Nipples aside and makes a Final Three deal with him. Lucifer knows there's a good chance that Nipples could win the next Immunity Challenge so he needs to get himself an insurance policy. Promising to keep Nipples in the game could save his ass come the next vote. Of course, Lucifer is lying through his missing teeth. He tells us he's "looking out number one" and I'm reminded of my favorite movie STAYING ALIVE. *clutches pearls and thanks the devil below for allowing such a genius film reference*

John Travolta, Finola Hughes, and Cynthia Rhodes... *kissing fingers like a chef* Tony Manero, torn between two women, struggles with emotion and ambition to make it as a professional dancer on the Broadway stage. The inner turmoil he feels is outlined in the Tommy Faragher song "Look Out For Number One". I know this movie by heart. Seriously, don't ever watch it with me. You'll want to stab me to death with whatever pointy object that's handy. Anyhow, before I get further away from the task at hand, here's the song "Look Out For Number One" from the film. Please to enjoy:

Now we arrive at the moment where we look back at all the fallen Survivors. Usually, I don't care for this sequence, but last night's was pretty good. It was filled with snark and humor and was, therefore, totally up my alley. The cast off Survivors were even more annoying in memoriam believe it or not.

First up is Marisa. Lucifer says if he hadn't gotten rid of her she would have been the death of him and then we hear Marisa in that godawful voice of hers going off about how she's a strong woman. Oh pipe down Chachi. You left first. Get over yourself. Second is Mike and he's headstrong blah blah blah. Boring. Betsy... Lucifer talks about she told him he played too hard too fast. He says she shouldn't have been there if she wasn't going to play 100% (I wonder if I could stitch that on a pillow for Jordan). Hillbilly Ben... Mick calls him socially awkward or something and Ben is off in the distance saying he was simply misinterpreted. Yasmin... Ooops I just threw up a little in my mouth. Nipples, of course, calls her a "character" and then we get her voice over where she's still bitching about camping. Throughout this entire look back you'll notice that Nipples loves everyone I hate. For those of you who question me incessantly about why I dislike Nipples so much, there you go.

ASSley... Natalie calls her a little sister and ASSley calls Lucifer a snake. Yeah, so? Dreads... *sticks a hot poker in eye* Nipples sings his praises saying Dreads lead them to victory while in the voice over Dreads is still moaning about not being able to provide for his family or some shit like that. Oh and here was something interesting. Dreads says that if he didn't have a family he would have wanted to die on Survivor. Did that strike anyone else as really fucking creepy? Asian Liz... Natalie calls her a rock star and Liz says she now understands the "depth of patience". Erik... They begin to call him a fierce competitor and then Mick just flat out calls him psycho which kind of made me giggle. Erik killed my whole joyous mood by saying something about being betrayed in order to feel vindicated. Erik and his herpes freak me out. That's all I have to say.

Kelly... Nipples calls her "homegirl" and I died a little inside. Kelly says that all the men were scared of the women and that's why she went home. While I'm all for women power, I completely disagree. The women on this season, save Shambo, were subpar. It's as simple as that. Medusa... Nipples, really testing my patience, calls her a strong player. And then we hear Medusa over and over again saying, "You can't beat me. You can't beat the grandma." Uh bitch, you've already been beaten! Rocket Boy... Lucifer says for some reason John thought Lucifer was telling the truth and John simply calls them all idiots. LOL He makes me laugh. Danger Dave... they call him hilarious and then Dave says he's not easy to get along with. Tell me something I don't know. Pochantas... Lucifer, in a genius moment, calls her the fakest person there. Nipples, out to ruin everything, calls her a firecracker. Since when did Nipples become an 80 yr old man sitting on a porch in a rocking chair whittling wood?

Then we arrive at Shambo... Nipples, in a moment of clarity, turns to the Foa Foa people and tells them they owe everything to Shambo and then they made a Shambo monument and danced around it til the sun went down. Over the ritual of respect we hear Shambo say she was disrespected, alienated, and shunned in a way that is foreign to her. You see, all of her life Shambo has been an "uplifter". She brings peace to an otherwise messed up and cruel world. She lives to lift people up while others work to tear them down. We all paused for a moment and with one fist in the air we muttered, "Respect". Last, and kind of least, is Pretty Boy Jaison. Mick calls him super smart and says we'll be voting for him for Senator one day. I simply logged online and finalized my plans to move to Finland for good. The whole walk through the Fallen Survivors ends with Jaison, typically enough, saying how miserable he was.

OK and now we arrive at the Final Immunity Challenge. Players have to put a statue on the end of a pole and keep it balanced after adding more lengths of pole every 2 minutes. It reminded me of one of those really long light bulb removers. On architectural shoots I use those things all the time to replace incandescent bulbs with blue ones. I actually really liked this challenge. Not only was it unique, tense, and challenging, but mystical magical powers played a part as well. The challenge begins and everyone is intensely focused and serious. They're careful not to jostle their statue and they're concentrating on remaining as still as possible. Nipples' pole was majorly slanting and I wondered for a second if he didn't squeeze some super glue out from his nipples when no one was looking. Buzzkill Mick drops his statue first with Natalie right behind him.

It's down to Nipples and Lucifer. The Smiling Baby Faced Nobody v. The Lord Of The Underworld. Good v. evil is as timeless as it comes my friends. I don't think I need to tell you I was clearly rooting for evil. Jeff, on the other hand, was simply out to make mischief. Dude wouldn't shut up for a second. He kept talking and talking about how Nipples needs to win. Lucifer had had just about enough of Jeff's pontificating so he pursed his lips, called on the forces of nature, and he made the wind start to blow. Seriously, that shit was timed to perfection. It was like Satan and God were watching their earthly counterparts duke it out. I was waiting for lightening to strike and an earthquake to swallow them whole. In the end, good was no match for evil and LUCIFER WINS IMMUNITY!

Back at camp Nipples is near tears talking about how proud he his of himself. Then something really weird happens. Lucifer, bursting from adrenalin and pride, begins bouncing around the camp asking everyone what his chances are of winning. He also starts gathering fire wood which completely freaks Mick out. Lucifer is worried about Galu on the jury and he's uncharacteristically insecure while at the same time he's pronouncing that no one can beat him. The moment I knew he was clearly losing his mind was when he began to talk about how he wants his daughters to marry Nipples. First off, I thought Nipples was gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) and secondly, Lucifer earlier delighted in calling Nipples a 110 lb weakling. I don't know. It was all very strange, but, slowly, in a weird way I began to understand it. You know how when you succeed in something so great and you don't want to exactly gloat, but you need to channel that energy bursting inside you into something... anything? Maybe you do weird chores (a la collecting fire wood) or talk to someone in an overly nice manner so they don't feel quite so inferior to you. When I'm feeling like that I always end up inviting people I can't stand to do things with me. Later I come to my senses and cancel any hastily made plans right quick probably pissing off lots of bitches in the process. We all act weird when confronted with an overwhelming amount of energy. Look at a meth faced kid who takes apart telephones. What I'm trying to say is, Lucifer had energy to burn and when you're out in the jungle with not much to do you burn it by offering your daughters to a freaky large nippled man boy. That's the only excuse I can think of.

Before Tribal Council Lucifer even goes far enough to tell Nipples that in addition to becoming his future his son-in-law maybe he'll take him to the Final Three too. Like me cancelling my plans with bitches I hate, Lucifer also cancels his plans to make Nipples a part of his family and he votes to evict that freak from the jungle once and for all. Of course he does it after complimenting him endlessly and trying to secure his vote, but in the end NIPPLES IS THE LAST PERSON VOTED OUT OF SURVIVOR SAMOA. Hallelujah!

Back at camp, the remaining three are given a breakfast feast to enjoy. Natalie and Buzzkill get busy cooking, but Lucifer decides this is the part where he'll infect their minds or something. He flat out tells them they can't beat him. He attacks Natalie for being nice and he tells Buzzkill he wouldn't be there at all had Lucifer not decided to keep him. It's uncomfortable and awkward and, as much as I like Lucifer, I kind of wanted him to shut up. I'm sure he was thinking he'd psych them out or something, but in the end he just came across as kind of a tool. Pride has always been Lucifer's weakness. He was too proud to keep his profession a secret just like he was too proud to keep his Hidden Idols secret as well. I said a long time ago that his pride would be his downfall. It turns out I am indeed magically and mystically all knowing. Pride is the hardest of all of the seven deadly sins to defeat. Lucifer may be a powerful little instrument of evil, but he's not powerful enough to suppress his pride.

And now we arrive at the final Tribal Council where the Jury members can ask the players questions. First, Dimples lets the finalists give some opening statements. Mick and Natalie keep it brief. Mick tries to talk about playing with integrity while Natalie talks about discovering self confidence. Lucifer, on the other hand, launches into a self serving rundown of how he got rid of every single person in the game. While he was accurate and stating facts, I think his approach might have been a little brusk. You see, Lucifer neglected to realize that the Jury (save Shambo and Rocket Boy) was a bunch of petty emotionally damaged bitch babies who hold grudges. It drives me crazy when I go a whole season analyzing game play only to have it all end in the hands of some whining and bitter fucktards who choose to give a large sum of money to someone who didn't hurt their itty bitty little feelings, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Allow me to summarize the question and answer portion:

Pretty Boy Jaison chooses to waste his question by asking the finalists what they do for a living. Mick and Natalie do their best to deliver sob stories while Lucifer chooses to give a thickly masked version of the truth. At the end, Jaison essentially calls them all liars and then goes back to delinting his Izod shirt.

My girl Shambo is next and she's out for blood. Bless her heart. She's armed with vocabulary words and attitude. It was glorious. She offers a quick apology to America for dismantling Galu and then she turns to Mick, points, and calls him "Feckless". *giggles and claps* Then she turns to Natalie and says she's thinking of a word that starts with 'C'. *bites fist* Jaws hit the floor all over America at that point, but Shambo simply mutters "Coattails". She tells Lucifer she's voting for him, drops her microphone, backs away slowly, raises one hand in the air, and the world erupted into thunderous applause. She outdid Sue Hawk in my opinion. Brava! Brava!

Nipples was just scary. Wearing one of his hideous t-shirts he asks Mick to tell him what they'd do on a "brodate". That's code for "Lover's Weekend". I think he wanted to hear about bubble baths and donating to the poor, but Mick awkwardly offered ear blowing and nipple tweaking.

Kelly-I-Can't-Believe-At-One-Point-I-Liked-This-Bitch steps up and starts throwing hair products at poor Natalie. She's screaming about Natalie not really playing the game and when Natalie tries to respond, Kelly turns to Medusa and makes all sorts of faces. Uhhh jealous much, bitch? She then asks Lucifer what he's like in real life. Lucifer tells her he works in a food bank on holidays, clothes the poor, and rubs ointment on lepers. Kelly sticks her tongue out at him and retreats to the jury where she rests her head on Medusa's shoulder.

Pochantas is doing her "black girl thing" again where she bobbing her head back and forth and snapping her neck every which way. It must be a nervous tic or something. She tells Lucifer he played key moves and asks Mick and Natalie to show her passion because, you know, Pochantas is the epitome of passion. Mick tries to talk but Lucifer just swallows him whole and spits him out so he's squirming on the ground covered in bile and undigested squirrel guts.

Danger Dave totally disappoints me and asks for percentages. I don't know why, but I expected more from him. Anyhow, Lucifer goes from thinking 90% to saying 50%. Who cares what the other two said?

Medusa approaches and her snakes are hungry... they're hungry for compliments. She asks the finalists what they liked about her. They all kind of looked at each other mystified cuz, you know, they hated her. Lucifer pulls a nice big piece of poo out of his ass and tells her she was the biggest threat in the game. Shambo shouts for him to throw the poo at Medusa. Instead, he goes and rubs it in Mick's hair.

Rocket Boy demands Mick gives him the hard sell which, I have to admit, had me in hysterics. Mick giving anyone a hard anything is pretty funny. I'm convinced he has valium coursing through his veins and klonopin for brain cells. Seriously, when I dubbed him Buzzkill Mick I was bordering on genius right there. Natalie, on the other hand, did something smart. She tells John that she saw how all the strong women were going home on her tribe so she made it a strategic decision to lay low. John liked that answer and told her maybe she should win. While it was a good answer I wouldn't exactly go that far.

Erik and his flaming herpes stands there and... wait for it... he starts to cry. He tells the finalists he wants nothing from them. Instead, he'll give them a bowl of his tears. Finally, he gets his shit together and lets the insults fly. He calls Mick a mockery of a leader which I can't entirely disagree with, but when he gets to Lucifer I'm forced to take issue. He tells Lucifer he's unethical and immoral and all I need to do as a retort is direct you to Erik's online bio where he describes in great detail his fondness for womanizing. In the end, Erik gets all dramatic. He was totally trying to copy Shambo. He points at Lucifer and shouts, "Arrogance!". He points and Mick and cries, "Delusional entitlement!". Lastly, he points at Natalie says, "Reality is reality" and promises her his vote. Seriously? This is the sort of lunatic we're forced to let decide who gets a million dollars? Oh hell to the no.

So we've heard from everyone and Jeff swoops in to get his hot little hands on the votes, he thanks everyone for a great season, and magically appears in Los Angeles 3 months later. Now we're at the Reunion. Natalie has put on a good 20 lbs (much needed by the way) and she's wearing one of those Bump-It things in her hair and a dress off the sale rack at Forever 21. Lucifer is sitting next to her in a fedora and a too tight shirt. I have no idea what Mick was wearing because, I mean seriously, who cares?

OK so we all sat up a little straighter, got our champagne glasses ready, and patiently awaited the reading of the votes. Here we go... NATALIE... LUCIFER *the crowd erupts*... NATALIE... LUCIFER *more hooting and hollering*... NATALIE... NATALIE... what the fuck... NATALIE. The 19th winner of Survivor is fucking NATALIE. *sits in stoned silence* Come again? Uh Jeff, I demand a recount. No seriously, recount that shit right now because clearly you misread those wrong.

Wait for it...


*takes a deep breath*


I was going to recap the Reunion, but who really cares at this point? I've spent half the day writing this crap. Writing on pain pills is not my forte so please accept my apologies. All I know is that this outcome is a very fitting conclusion to the crappy week I've been having. It would have been too good to be true for, oh I don't know, a deserving player to actually win a CBS show. Planets would collide and that 2012 movie would come true if something that drastic happened. In conclusion, I can say, with all honesty, that it was a stellar season with the absolute worst ending ever.

The Reunion ended with a very exciting announcement for Survivor 20. As many of you know I posted the potential cast list for this many weeks ago. In case you missed it please click here: Survivor 20. The new season begins February 11 and I will, most definitely, be back for that. Are you kidding me? Heroes V. Villains... I wouldn't miss it for the world.

I'd like to thank everyone who came back week after week. I've truly enjoyed your comments and really appreciate you guys spreading the word. If you've enjoyed what I've done here this season, I ask that you please click on my Donate Button on the right hand side of the page. I wish everyone a happy and healthy holiday season. I'll be having my wisdom teeth brutally ripped out of my head, but don't let that cause you no never mind. ;-) You go right on ahead and open your electronic hamsters, your slipper socks, and your Snuggies. I'll just be here crying my eyes out into a Vicodin smoothie. Don't you worry about me none. Dudes, I'm such a baby. For some hilarity be sure to follow me on Twitter and Facebook where I'll be updating my dental ordeal for the masses. It should be good for a few laughs. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!