Monday, December 20, 2010

Dumber Than A Bag Of Hammers

Nicaragua. Beautiful, lush and unforgiving. We've all made Nicaragua our home for the past several months and now it's time to say goodbye. We'll look back on our time there as a period in our lives where we smacked ourselves a lot. Blunt quick slap upon slap upon slap delivered by our own hands to our own foreheads. Resignation, exasperation, frustration, rhythm nation... It wasn't the best of Survivors, but we made the most of it. We breathed life into clam shells, studied the multiple personalities of a petty thief, envied the flounce of one's petticoats, and stuck pencils in our ears whenever a certain someone cackled. Our journey has been long and arduous, but we made it. By God, we made it. Now we're free to get on with our lives... until we have to do it all over again in February. Let's recap, shall we?

We begin our final chapter at Leptospirosis (Libertad). Mafia Dan gasped and sputtered as he chiseled a tiny little indentation into a crispy tree and announced, "Day 37!". 37 days. 37 whole days. It's all come down to this moment for Jughead (Jud) as he realizes that, from here on out, he has no choice but to win everything. Strategically however, he decides to simply play it cool. That's been his M.O. all along - have fun, hang out, and play it cool. So, playing it cool, he saunters up to Crazy Pants (Holly) and asks, "You wanna go to the Final 3 with me?" Dan gurgles out, "What about me?" Crazy Pants looks at the ground, gestures to the air, and burps, "Heh". Without Life Coach Clam Shell in her pocket, she just can't string the words together anymore to make sentences. Instead she's all airy gestures, wide eyes, and pursed lips. You see, a few days ago when Crazy Pants' very large husband was crushing her with gropes and tongue kisses he smashed the delicate bivalve nestled in the supposed safety of a deep pocket into teeny tiny little shards of uselessness. Had you listened closely at the time you would have heard a small "Yelp!". Never will we hear his words of wisdom, watch his jaunty walk, or laugh at his off-color jokes. Life Coach Clam Shell was the smartest player Survivor has ever known and now he's gone. To Crazy Pants' Scarecrow, Life Coach Clam Shell was the Wizard Of Oz. When you take away that gift of reason and logic, all you're left with is a mop of curly hair and an annoying accent. A moment of silence please for Life Coach Clam Shell.

This brings us to the first Immunity Challenge of the night where Rainbow Brite (Chase) and Norma (Sash) are sure their foolproof plan to get rid of Jughead will, once and for all, come to fruition. The only plan these two yukyuks can succeed at is being inducted into the Most Annoying Survivor Players Of All Time Hall Of Fame, but I digress. OK so Survivors have to race out to a trivia question about Nicaragua, select an answer, retrieve the corresponding bag to that answer and return to the start. If they pick the right answer, the bag will contain puzzle pieces inside. If not, then the bag will have lumps of coal and we'll have 6 more weeks of winter... or something like that. The first person to get all three bags and finish the puzzle wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go! The course is rainy and slippery so of course Mafia Dan's limbs fall off one by one and that's the end of him. Everyone else gets their first question right. On the second question, Jughead gets it wrong and one of Rainbow Brite's puzzle pieces commits puzzle piece suicide by leaping off the puzzle table. I think it heard his new song. With Jughead in last place and Mafia Dan flailing in the mud, it's not looking good for the likable guys. Thankfully, Norma isn't as smart as he thinks he is, Crazy Pants is useless without her Clam Shell, and Rainbow Brite's album sucks because... JUGHEAD WINS IMMUNITY!!! *throws glitter in the air*

Back at Leviathan, Jughead is basking in the glow of his victory while Rainbow Brite begins his push to get Mafia Dan out. Jughead isn't so sure he likes that plan as Dan hasn't done anything worthwhile the entire game. He's the sort of guy you want to take to the end - lazy, useless, not liked by everyone. Here's the best part: Rainbow Brite actually agrees with this logic. He told us he agreed with it! The only thing is that his fragile crystalline feelings deep down inside will be tarnished forever if he turns on Crazy Pants. Sure, she's the bigger threat, but but but... he just doesn't feel right turning on her now - you know, now, when a million dollars is within arm's reach. Yeah, now's definitely not the right time to make a power move Rainbow Brite. Let's wait until later. Let's wait until you're knocking on North Carolina's doors begging to get back in. That's a swell idea.

Jughead then tries to convince Norma that keeping Crazy Pants in this game isn't the best of ideas. Mafia Dan outlines how Crazy Pants is a little girl from a struggling farm in a small town in West Dakota (I can't remember if she's from North or South so West will have to do) who made a huge turnaround in the game and is a mother figure to a whole lot of peeps out there. Someone like that is someone you don't want next to you on the Jury. Someone like that is a someone whose dreams you want to crush... kind of like a clam shell! *collapses in tears* That was the whole reasoning in getting Jane out. One would think it would apply to Crazy Pants too. Norma says he can see Jughead and Dan's point, but who knows? Norma's whole strategy is to simply tell people what they want to hear. The problem with that is eventually everyone catches on and no one trusts you anymore. Being phony once or twice isn't a big deal, but being phony for 37 days straight is a bit like the little boy who cried wolf. After a while, no one takes anything you say seriously and that's exactly what's happening with Norma. No one takes him seriously. Not one person. None. Nein. Zilch. Niet. Nada. Non. Bobo. Yes, Bobo. That's how you say no in Cameroon. *puts on RuPaul voice* Cam-a-ROON! Isn't that the best? I think it's divine and I'll henceforth use 'Bobo' as my universal 'No'.

Whoosh! Skwee! Kerplunk! We've landed ourselves at the first Tribal Council of the evening. Dimples brings out the Jury and there's a woman of ill repute on it. I thought to myself, "Uh oh, one of Dimples' concubines must have wandered onto the set." but, bobo, it was Jane. Jane! Eyeshadow going all the way up to her scalp, fuschia lipstick applied all wiggedy whack, some dangly fiberglass earrings swaying in the breeze... uh, ok, I guess this is how Jane dresses for important events. *cough* $2 hooker *cough* It's like when you're 15 and your mom finally lets you wear make-up. Sure, I did the blue eyeliner thing, but at least I had the temerity to end my eyeshadow at my eyebrows and not all the way up and over and on the back of my neck. As far as her hair goes, well, she must have washed it in marshmallows because it was light and fluffy and, yeah, I wouldn't mind roasting it over an open fire.

Dimples asks Jughead how he feels wearing that necklace again. Dude, he's stoked man. He's like totally pumped! Jughead tell us that now it's important to consider who's on the Jury and who you want next to you at the end. Mafia Dan jumps in, whips out a stack of hundreds, and says no one will vote for him to win this game. He already has the dream life (of Ferraris and whizzing bullets) so no one in their right mind would vote to give him the million. Dream life or not, I'm a firm believer that it shouldn't matter what your background is when it comes to winning reality shows. Survivor isn't a charity and it drives me crazy when people think it is. Mafia Dan shouldn't win not because he has money. He shouldn't win because all he did was lie in a hut and burble at challenges.

Mafia Dan continues and tells us that Crazy Pants is the real threat not him. Crazy Pants feigns surprise, crinkles her forehead, and in that grating voice of hers asks, "Why am I a threat?!" Dan runs down his list again... lady, farm, East Dakota, small town, family, blah blah blah. The Jury cracks up while Crazy Pants merely scoffs. In her infinite clamless wisdom she then decides to outline the type of player you don't want to go up against in the final. To make a long story short, she describes herself which is pretty much the exact opposite of Dan. Dimples again takes out his markers and poster board. Since his complicated diagrams were ignored last week, he decides to write one simple idiot proof sentence... VOTE HOLLY OUT!!! He's shoving that bitch in everyone's faces but they stare into the night completely oblivious as Mafia Dan is the 14th person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua and the 8th member of the Jury. *sigh* That was a dumb vote.

Back at Ludacris the final four are generally in good spirits. Norma who has an alliance with everyone including that tree over there and that one over there is doing his "We made it guys! Let's just have fun tomorrow." shtick. Jughead, on the other hand, is all game. He stares into the fire knowing he has to win another Immunity Challenge. The more Norma talks, the more Jughead knows he can't be trusted. Jughead has to do this all on his own... like he's been doing for the past several eliminations. He's flying solo and weaving in and out of every obstacle put before him. I don't know if it's dumb luck or such a pure primal urge to win that it's actually manifesting itself into a reality. That's the power of The Secret right there. Actually, I doubt Jughead has read The Secret. I'm thinking his book shelves are lined with Archie Comics and back issues of Cracked. I don't even think he has Playboys under his mattress. He's too goofy to be sexual.

Norma sits in a corner and massages his own hands while licking his teeth all creepy like as he muses how everyone left will take him to final three. I've got to be honest here, I was a little bit worried in that moment. The editing has been so wonky that it's impossible to know how that Jury really views Norma. It's not like they talk about him at Ponderosa a whole lot - at least not that we've seen. He's sort of a mole on the butt of Survivor. He just there. He doesn't really serve a purpose and getting him surgically removed becomes more and more appealing each and every day. When Rainbow Brite and Crazy Pants review how the votes could possibly go, they assume my beloved Spike (Marty), Loverboy Benry, Insignificant Kelly and Nanook could vote Norma to win. Rainbow Brite stops to bite his lip as he counts and recounts those votes. He doesn't like those odds and I have in my notes, "Are you just thinking about this now jungle tits?!" How someone can be shocked at Day 38 is beyond me. I would have been going over those votes ever since the Merge, but than again I'm smarter than Rainbow Brite. Well, ok, maybe not, but I'm definitely better looking and that's all that really matters anyways. Duh.

Then we get to that boring In Memoriam part where they lie and recap about how "great" everyone was. Crazy Pants thinks she's been given some sort of royal mission and a responsibility ordained by god. Oh shut the fuck up and just get on with it. I mean, let's be honest here, all the In Memoriam really is is a look back at all my fabulous nicknames! Without further ado... Goat Lady, Shannon from Douchebaggerville, Coach Jimmy J., Sasquatch, T-Bone, Hop Along, Yve, Secret Agent Jill, Alligator Lady, Spike, Ninja Warrior/Mowgli, Nanook, Insignificant Kelly, Loverboy, Jungle Jane, and Mafia Dan. Ta-da!

Now we arrive at the second Immunity Challenge of the night. As far as I was concerned Jughead had to win or I was turning off my television. I'm very mature like that. As Survivor is often wont to do, the final challenge is an Endurance Challenge. Oh yeah! Actually, maybe it is a good idea Jane is gone. She kinda rocked those Endurance Challenges. Told ya I wasn't very smart. OK so for this challenge Survivors had to balance a sword on a shield with one hand while stacking coins on the sword handle with the other hand. Survivors ready, go! It takes several rounds before we get our first fatality which is Crazy Pants. Rainbow Brite, who kept craning his neck to spy on Jughead's sword (that sounded dirty), goes second and we're now left with Norma and Jughead. The camera zoomed in on Jughead's stack swaying in the wind. You know those floaty things you see outside of car washes and furniture stores that go crazy in the wind? Well, that's what Jughead's stack was like. It was Cat In The Hat with all the plates. It was horrifying. My god, the anxiety! I couldn't look. I covered my face with my hands and muttered, "Normasucks Normasucks Normasucks Normasucks". And you know what? Norma does suck because JUGHEAD WINS IMMUNITY!!!!!!!!!!! *flings bra overhead* Ah-mazing!

The troops return to camp and all the monkeys in the trees are now in a celebratory mood. They throw some poo at Norma while pointing and laughing at Rainbow Brite. The best part though was Jughead finally finding his confidence along with a deliciously evil urge to toy with all those who were about to kiss his ass. I was proud of Jughead in that moment. Watching Norma stammer and plant one on Jughead's butt cheeks was like watching a baby being born. It was beautiful yet really gross and nauseating all at the same time. A desperate Norma is a funny Norma. Angry Jane you want to rent for your parties. Desperate Norma you want to put on your mantle and throw empty soda cans at. When he told Jughead, "You're my best friend in this game." I just shook my head and mumbled, "Give it a rest already." It's always the delusionally cocky ones who crumble to their knees when all their resources are tapped out.

After Norma and Rainbow Brite spent the day throwing one another under the bus, we arrive at our second Tribal Council. Before it even begins, Jughead is bursting into giggles. It impossible for Jughead to hide how he's feeling which makes him not only likable but trustworthy. You look at Jughead and you just know that chances are he's not lying to you when he tells you stuff. He doesn't have a duplicitous scheming mind full of advance chess moves and algorithms. He just wants to win challenges and get votes.

For some reason, Jughead's main concern is whether or not the others would have taken him to the final had they won. It seemed like a silly thing to be preoccupied with because of course they wouldn't have taken him, but watching Jughead tell Norma he saw through his pathetic pleas made it all worthwhile. One second Norma was smiling confident he was in the final and the next second his lips sat in a thin line as he stared off into the trees. Whenever Norma hears something he doesn't like he stares off into the distance. I think he's afraid to make eye contact. That, or he's taking up bird watching. I don't know.

So, after some yadda yadda yadda-ing from Norma where the entire Jury is rolling their eyes and laughing at him, Crazy Pants is the 15th person voted out and the final member of the Jury. I'm ok with this vote because Crazy Pants would have been a definite threat to Jughead. Norma, on the other hand, should have just gotten up and quit right there. After seeing how the Jury was repulsed by him I knew he had no chance in hell of winning and that, my dear readers, made my little heart soar.

Let me explain something here: You know how Norma lied to the everyone on the show to get what he wanted? Well, he did that to me too. The second I stopped giving him exactly what he wanted is the second he disappeared. Did you know he contacted me before the season even started? He kissed my ass to get a good write up and the one time I gave him what amounted to not even really being a criticism, he dropped me and revoked all support. Now, I hear from lot of reality people throughout the year and I have to say that his behavior was a first for me. He's a slimy guy on camera and off. I know he used me and that's my mistake, but his mistake was in pissing me off. Fran Lebowitz once said, "I absolutely believe in revenge and if you have the opportunity, take it!" Thanks Fran. I'll do that. Let's continue, shall we?

OK so we have our final three and it's Jughead, Rainbow Brite and Norma. It's a final three I don't think anyone could have ever imagined. If you would have told me week 2 that's this is how the season would have ended up I would have laughed in your face and called you a douchenozzle. But, here we are on the verge of an incredible final Tribal Council. Let's do this!

Each person is given the opportunity to say their piece. Rainbow Brite, talking like he's got a big hunk of chewing tobacco in his mouth, tells everyone to bring on the questions because he's not wishy-washy. I think he said "Bring it on!" about twelve times. OK Kirsten Dunst. Whatever you say. Jughead says he never backstabbed anyone and deserves a million dollars because he thinks it would be a lot of fun. Norma says "Outwit, outplay, outlast" and then he ate his own face with those giant glow in the dark teeth of his. Dimples watches in horror and then gives the Jury their chance to address the finalists.

Mowgli (Brenda) is up first and she wastes no time laying into Norma. She calls him out for making 800 alliances, breaking them all, and then expecting votes from them. Norma interrupts her and I was surprised she didn't tell him to shut up. That's what I would have done. She then turns her attention to Rainbow Brite and tells him she had an emotional attachment to him. It was creepy and made me feel all oogy inside. The idea of anyone being emotionally attached to Rainbow Brite makes me question all that I know to be holy in the world.

*drumroll* Superstar Spike is up and he's gracious and congratulatory and kind and I was like, "Who the hell is this guy?!" Then... then he asks Rainbow Brite a question. It went something like this: "Survivor Nicaragua. There's gonna be a Dumber Than A Bag Of Hammers Award, ok? You have to pick somebody to give it to. It can be one of you three or someone on the Jury. The only caveat is obviously I'm not eligible." *giggles* Jughead falls over in a fit of laughter, Norma is just happy the heat is off of him, and Rainbow Brite stammers out something like, "Well obviously... duh uh duh... it should be... ummm not us... I don't like your question. I call B.S." Then R.B. turns to Dimples and actually asks him if he has to answer the question! *hits floor with hand like that Tickle Me Elmo doll* Dimples gives him a sideways glare and I died. Spike then turns to Norma and I'm already crying again from laughing so hard. He says to Norma, "Sash, you're a cerebral player. Oh Chase, cerebral means 'smart'." *wipes tears from eyes* Dying. Dy-ing! My man Spike came through and just cemented his place in a future All Stars. That was beyond amazing. The best part though were the tweets I got saying "Maybe Colette Lala was right all along about Spike." Darn tootin' I was right you freaks! Spike has been my number one supporter throughout the season and, clearly, it takes one genius to recognize another. Thanks Spike. You rock.

Crazy Pants is up next but Spike is a tough act to follow. She asks some question about game and strategy. Boring boring boring. She's just not the same without Life Coach Clam Shell.

Jungle Jane takes her turn and she's out for blood. She tells Norma his mother raised him good to be a river rat. *bites fist* And then... and then!... she tells him to go back to NYC and crawl back into the black hole he came out of. *clutches sides* To rent Angry Jane for your next Bar Mitzvah, call 1-800-HILLBILLY. She asks the other guys questions too, but it's about giving money to charities and that just bores me to tears. I'll tell you all right now - if I ever win a million dollars I'm giving it all to just one charity. It's called The Justification Of The Beautification Of The Colette Lala. It's basically a scholarship fund for my ass to move to Montevideo or Helsinki - somewhere with a funny name - where I'll spend my days either in a bikini or a Snuggie drinking and my nights hunting for the Talamasca.

Loverboy Benry was pleasantly surprising. He told Rainbow Brite to shut up, called Norma a phony, and congratulated Jughead. Short, sweet, simple.

Mafia Dan gets a turn and I now know for a fact that an untimely hit will take Norma out one night when he's walking home from one of his many many lays with random supermodels. Dan was PISSED! I could see the instruments of torture in the glint of his eyes. When he was done murdering Norma and telling him to get his eye fixed *giggles* he laid into Rainbow Brite blaming him for making everybody bleed. Where was this Dan all season long?! Again, I would have loooooved Evil Dan! I want to cut paper thin slices of garlic with a razor blade with Evil Dan. I want to drink Chianti and set nightclubs on fire with him. Now, there's a guy who can party!

Next up is Insignificant Kelly and she says... You know what? I'm going to do what Survivor should have done and not give her a platform. Same thing goes for Nanook. Quitters don't deserve anymore of my time.

Last up is Alligator Lady Alina. Oh Alina. Alina is getting hyphenated today because she's in trouble. A-lina! What were you thinking? My sister has a theory that A-lina! is still harboring resentment from when Jughead sided with Spike way back in the beginning of the Merge. I don't know if my sister is right, but A-lina! said she wanted a man to win and not a little boy. And then she promptly went and voted for Rainbow Brite. *smacks self in head* A-lina! No no no no! Unacceptable! I think the Alligator Lady was smoking some Nicaraguan peyote back at Ponderosa. That's the only reasoning I can come up with.

We magically fast forward through time and now we're in a studio in California for the big reading of the votes. Jughead got a bad haircut, Rainbow Brite looked odd and grey, and Norma was either bloated or wearing a bulletproof vest underneath his coat and tie. Let's read the votes... FABIO *yes!*... CHASE *no!*... FABIO *woohoo!*... CHASE *gasp*... CHASE *what?!?*... CHASE *searches house for razor blades*... FABIO... *thank god*.... FABIO *tinkle*... FABIO IS THE WINNER OF SURVIVOR NICARAGUA!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK that vote was entirely too close for comfort. There was a point when all the blood drained from my face and I thought I was going to have to announce Chase as the winner. I'd sooner stick my head in an oven. Then again, Sash got ZERO votes. Zero. Z-E-R-O. That's enough to make me want to live forever.

Soooo what did you guys think of last night? What do you think of your winner? What did you think of the season? How great was it that Sash didn't get one single vote? HAHA! Want to come to my house for a Chase Rice record burning party? Comment it out bitches and have a great holiday season and a happy new year!!!

Thank you so much to each and every one of you who came back every week to read my drivel. Super special thanks to Spike and Alina for being lovely, hilarious, and so supportive. I will definitely be back in February for Survivor Redemption Island. Are you kidding me? I wouldn't miss it for the world. If you guys have enjoyed what I've done here this season, please click on my PayPal button on the upper right hand side and show your girl some love. Thanks again everyone and I'll see you in the new year!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Finale Blog

My final post of the season will be up late tomorrow. It's my last blog for a few months so I'm not going to rush it. Also, I'm kind of away from home right now and have to spend the morning driving back. The life of a high price escort...

Please check back Monday in the early evening. I'll send out Facebook and Twitter updates when it's ready.

Thanks bitches!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

That Was A Rhetorical Question

The exclusive gated community known as North Carolina closed it's titanium gates forever last night. One of it's children has gone astray into the arms of evil and, henceforth, he'll never be allowed to walk the marshmallow streets of downtown Raleigh again. The gummi bear trees lining the avenues will be no more to one Mr. Chase Rice because once you've pissed off North Carolina, you've pissed off LIFE! Not just Chase will suffer from his most heinous miscarriage of justice. His family will suffer as well. Connie and her other sons and daughters, not unlike the Jews in wartorn Poland, were thrown into the back of a truck late last night and dropped off into the shady murky downtown streets of Charleston, South Carolina. Oh, the horror! Not South Carolina! South Carolina is where all the bad people live! You know, liars and cheaters and backstabbers. Those sorts. The types you thumb your nose and stick your tongue out at. Whereas, in North Carolina it's all do-gooders and lovers and philanthropists. To be dropped off into South Carolina so unceremoniously is a death sentence. Connie will be forced to cook meth in the back of a trailer now. Chase's sister will have to turn tricks to make ends meet and his brother will turn to cooking the 'shine in the back of a rickety cabin perched everso gingerly on the side of a mountain. If only North Carolina wasn't so snobby! Let's recap, shall we?

We're quickly coming to the end of our tragic tale in Nicaragua and like so many blogs before this we begin with Lebowitz (Libertad) returning to camp and one Mr. Jughead (Jud) confused by the vote. He doesn't understand how his name was put down on those ballots. No one told him that would happen! Norma (Sash) quickly ushers Jughead away from the group and tells him that it was Loverboy Benry's evil plan to get rid of Jughead all along. We all know that's not entirely true, but Norma likes to weave his little tales of lies. It makes him feel powerful or something. I'm pretty sure he played with puppets as a kid - maybe still does. And, let's face it, lying is the only way Norma can ever feel powerful. He likes to trick his mind into believing that he's the one calling all the shots. I think that's called Narcissistic Personality Disorder and, correct me if I'm wrong, but a lot of serial killers have that, right? Just sayin'. Anyhow, throughout the entire game Norma has never really been the one in charge. He'll tell you differently though. He'll tell you fantastical things like how he's the Casanova of Manhattan and how women just automatically drop their panties when they see him. I think that's called Sociopathy and could get you 5-10 in Sing Sing but, again, I'm not entirely sure. I could tell you I'm sitting here in a princess dress waving my magic wand around and turning everything into ponies, but that doesn't mean it's true. Alright, who am I kidding, it is true, but that doesn't change the point I'm trying to make. Norma lives in a fantasy land, kind of like Candyland, where everyone loves him and he's the king and oh isn't he the greatest Survivor player who ever lived? *giggles* He's a bluebird, a brownie, a girl scout cookie. He's a puzzle piece, a replacable object, the Emperor with his new clothes. Lucifer (Russell H.), Parvati, and Boston Rob were great players who'll never be forgotton not Norma. Even if by some miracle Norma manages to win the entire season, it'll all be sort of anticlimactic. It'll be like when that blonde chick (whose name I've since forgotten even though I blogged an entire season about her) won over Lucifer. It'll be a forgetful win, a yawn, a shrugging of the shoulders. I don't know. I like to think of Lucifer in the back of his trailer watching this season, rubbing his belly, and laughing maniacally whenever Norma says he's in charge. It pleases me to have that image in my head - more so because chances are it's entirely true. You can't slink in the background with your manpurse, watch your entire alliance get offed or quit, and then tell me you're the one in charge. It doesn't work that way. If Norma was really in charge, those girls wouldn't have quit when they did. He would have been able to keep them in the game and it would have been smooth sailing to the end. Instead they went tits up and made a mockery of everything that is holy. Sorry Norma, but that's beyond embarrassing.

A new day begins and it's *drumroll* product placement time! Yay! Since no one from that particular company is paying my ass to promote them, I'll simply call them Shint. So Shint has delivered a fancy new cell phone to the tribe and like apes leaping around a box full of buttons, the natives hoot and scratch themselves in wonderment. The Shint phone tells them to go to the Videos section and - bam! - just like that... we have tears. Inside the tiny Shint phone are pretty video pictures of the castaways families. Plump, smiley, and nourished, the happy families wave through the tiny screen to tell their gaunt and sickly relatives how much they love them. We see Rainbow Brite's (Chase) mom and brother, Norma's mom, Jungle Jane's daughter and her 8000 dogs, Mafia Dan's mafioso-in-training sons, Crazy Pants' (Holly) family, and Jughead's hot mom. Nice going Jughead. Not only was his mom smokin', but she was the most inspirational I thought. Wise, tender, loving... it was very sweet. At home, I continued polishing my throwing knives and stirring my grool. My eyes were leaking, but I wasn't crying dammit. I'm hardcore. *beats on chest* Ow.

After everyone dried their damp faces, Jughead and Rainbow Brite retreated into the woods to discuss the upcoming Reward Challenge. They know it's the one where the family members get to stay so it's more important than ever to make a pact. Rainbow Brite says that he plans on taking the three young mama's boys if he wins. Jughead nods in agreement and says he'll do the same. It's a done deal. Etch that bitch in stone. Jughead, Rainbow Brite, and Norma are going on that Reward Challenge - no doubt about it. Jughead and Rainbow Brite miss their mommies and Norma hasn't been on a Reward Challenge in like months. For someone running the game, you'd think he'd be on every single one of them, right? Hmmm interesting. Anyhow, Rainbow Brite says the words "I promise" and *thunder clapping the distance* it's off the the Reward Challenge we go.

Dimples waits on the beach doing that giddy little boy dance he does when he's got a surprise up his Banana Republic sleeves. Dimples keeps a secret like Julian Assange keeps a secret. I'm surprised the two don't own a skywriting company together. So, Dimples takes back the Shint phone and tells the troops that they're playing for a cruise down the coast of Nicaragua where they'll enjoy a nice meal and *pause for dramatic effect* get to spend time with their loved ones. The tribe acts all stunned with lots of hands covering their mouths in disbelief. Dudes, you've seen the show before. You knew this was coming. Christ, at least two of you planned what to do beforehand. This is where I wonder how much direction is given to the castaways. I picture Burnett on the sidelines shouting, "Act shocked you arse monkeys! I want some real dram-a here you sheep shagging ninnies! Stop being bloomin' buffoons and gimme some of that Macaulay Culkin shite ya wankers!" I don't know why, but I always picture him angry, kicking the sand, and bellowing through one of those olden timey Hollywood bullhorns with his spit shooting out into the wind.

One by one Dimples brings out the family members. They were made to awkwardly run through the brush with their boobs flopping this way and that. I'm not a pervert or anything, but that's all I saw... boobs. Alright so Rainbow Brite's mom Connie (who'll give you a sweet deal on meth now!) comes running out first. She leaps into R.B.'s arms and tells him how much she loves him. All I could think in that moment was, "I'll bet he smells really bad." Oh come on! You were thinking it too. The dirty, grungy, mangy castaways are standing there and then a nice clean pretty person hugs them and on instinct all I wanna do is pinch my nose shut. Next comes Jughead's mom Anne and she's so cute! Jughead cries into her hair and tells her she's gorgeous. That's when my eyes starting leaking again. I really should get that checked out. I could have an infection or something. Dimples tells Anne that Jughead is now known as Fabio to the Nicaraguan people. Anne laughs and says he used to be known as "Jud The Stud" back home. *silence* Awk-ward! incest Carrying on...

Norma's mom Leigh is next and Norma, unflinching and monotone, tells us how being on Survivor makes him appreciate love more. Wha... wha... what?! Love?! No it doesn't you liar! It's made you into a narcissistic asshole and narcissistic assholes love no one but themselves. Ugh. Gross. To offset the offensiveness, Dan's son Matt comes running out and it's nothing short of precious. Mafia Dan was weeping while Matt kept kissing his head over and over again. You could tell Dan just adores his kids and they adore him back. Well, who wouldn't adore a dad with boats, Ferraris, and alligator shoes?! That's my kind of dad! The concrete blocks, rusty pliers, and inexplicable bags of oranges in the basement are easy to ignore when you can take Ferrari #2 out for a joyride whenever daddy gets called away on "business". I'll bet he has a sweet wine cellar too. Conversely, Jane's daughter Ashley comes running out and Jane doesn't even shed a tear. The tough old bird whoops and screams at the top of her lungs instead. You can tell Jane runs a tight ship, but you can also tell they've probably been through hell and back after the loss of their husband/dad. Been there, done that. Not fun. Lastly, Crazy Pants' husband Charlie comes running out and *bowm chicka bowm bowm* it's make-out time! Wild tongues searching in the Nicaraguan breeze and all I can think is, "Good thing C.P. got to brush her teeth on that last Reward Challenge!" Crazy Pants clearly wears the pants in that family. When a hedge needs trimming or the refrigerator begins leaking, Crazy Pants is on that shit! Tool belt and all.

Alright so for the challenge Survivors will run up a plank, jump into the water to get a bag of tiles, race back to give it to their loved one, and then run back into the water again to get another bag of tiles. Once the loved one has both bags, they'll try to unscramble a familiar phrase - FAMILY COMES FIRST. Survivors ready, go! Jughead is the first one in the water with the others not far behind. Mafia Dan leaps off the plank and then sinks to the bottom. We see bubbles at the top of the pool and that's about it. That water is a bitch on scotch tape! the end, RAINBOW BRITE WINS REWARD!!!

Now, it's decision time. Who will Rainbow Brite take with him? Jungle Jane whispers to her daughter that he'll probably take Norma. Rainbow Brite launches into an "I love you - each and every one of you" speech, but no one cares. Just make a decision asshole. So, he picks Norma and that was expected. Norma hasn't eaten in weeks because, you know, he's been too busy running the game and whatnot. *eye roll* Then Dimples tells R.B. to pick another pair to join them. This should be a no brainer. Jughead. Boom, bam, done. Rainbow Brite promised. Instead, he hems and haws, mutters "aww shucks", and after an eternity of twisting his baseball cap every which way decides to choose Crazy Pants. *pin drop* Dan whispers, "He's a scumbag" and then Jughead starts flailing in the sand weeping thick salty tears. Rainbow Brite tells Jughead he loves him, but Jughead just started throwing sand balls in R.B.'s face.

Norma is straight up delusional and Rainbow Brite is, quite plainly, the wimpiest guy I've ever laid eyes on. Those two freaks deserve each other. If you rewatch the footage like I'm doing right now, Rainbow Brite tells Jughead first that he'll take him on the Reward. It wasn't something he said to appease Jughead. It wasn't a tit for tat thing. It was Rainbow Brite's idea. To call R.B. wishy-washy would be a compliment. He's a straight up douchebag. Had he chosen not to take Jughead out of pure evil or malicious reasoning, I could maybe respect that. It wasn't like that though. He's just an indecisive pussy with a deep seeded pathetic need to please everyone. The only problem is he ends up hurting the very people he's trying to please. It's shameful! How can anyone hang out with this guy? Deciding what to put on a pizza would take days. Picking which New Release to rent could take weeks. It's exhausting. I mean, grow some balls already. Be a man for chrissake! *waves wand and turns ponies into vicious tigers*

The three losers head back to camp and they're pissed! Jughead doesn't understand why Rainbow Brite chose Crazy Pants. He tells the others how it was Rainbow Brite's idea to go on Reward together. *cut to a shot of Jane shooting flames out her nose* Jane calmly replies that Chase just made a million dollar mistake today. Now, I'm not exactly sure why Jane is so furious about not being picked. I mean, yes it sucks not going on rewards, but I didn't see Rainbow Brite making her any promises. I get the impression that Jane thinks their North Carolina Blood Pact supercedes all other decision making in the game which is odd because I remember a few weeks ago Jane being very annoyed with the decisions Rainbow Brite was making. As a matter of fact, I remember A LOT of people being annoyed with R.B. How he's lasted this long is a complete mindfuck of a mystery to me. Mafia Dan even gets in on the "Poor Jane" thing. Well, he's the head of an illustrious crime family where blood is thicker than water so, yeah, I get it. Loyalty is big thing with Dan. The North Carolina Blood Pact is not unlike being a made man. Once you're in, you're in for life... unless, of course, someone pries your toenails out one by one and then shoots you in the back of the end in an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of Queens. Duh.

Jane asks Jughead if Rainbow Brite really did promise him they'd go on the Reward Challenge together. Jughead replies, "Yeah man!" and then Jane collapses into a pile of bones and tears. She's devastated. She showed her cooch in that Reward Challenge and everything! *chortles* And thus we discover why Jane is really upset. She flashed her vajayjay to all the other visiting loved ones and she's mortified. Dude, imagine how they feel. They're traumatized for life now!

The focus shifts to the threesome out on the Reward and I could seriously not be more uninterested. Eat, eat, eat, nosh, nosh, nosh, boring, boring, boring. Mumble, mumble, final three, mumble, mumble, cookies! Click, click, click, stick to the plan, smile, smile, smile. Done. Blech.

Under the cover of night, the King Of The Cowards dreads returning to camp. He's shaking in his ballet flats and his petticoats seem to be rustling louder than usual. Jughead hears Petticoat Junction approaching so he rolls over in his bed and asks, "How was it buddy?" Rainbow Brite arranges his skirts, pours himself a cup of tea and says, "Well, oh my word, it was heavenly! We ate cucumber sandwiches and has some gorgeous pound cake. Light as air I tell you... Light. As. Air! Then we all gathered 'round Holly's husband playing guitar and sang one of them good ole down home spirituals that'll get your blood pumping. You know the ones I mean. Oh and at one point, Norma played charades and got his foot caught in a rope and he tumbled overboard! *clutches pearls* Oh my word, we just laughed and laughed! *giggles* I can honestly say I've never had such an exquisite day. I'll never forget it for the rest of my life. *fans self* It was pure heaven. *sigh*" Jughead replies, "That was a rhetorical question asshole!" Then he threw his banana leaf pillow at Rainbow Brite and fell back asleep. Yup. That's exactly how it happened.

And now we arrive at the big Immunity Challenge. Since I spent so much time on the family members and I've got one hell of a Tribal Council to get to, I'm going to kind of cruise through this. Players were blindfolded, had to memorize a shield, and then blindly had to piece together the shield they memorized. In a nail biter of a finish between Rainbow Brite and Jughead, JUGHEAD WINS IMMUNITY!!!!!!!!!! Thank god!

Back at Legoland Norma is unthrilled that Jughead has won Immunity. Oh boo hoo. Cry me a river. Over at the campfire Rainbow Brite is once again busy putting a plan together that'll never come to fruition. Have you noticed that after every Immunity Challenge, Rainbow Brite suggests a person to go home and that person never goes home? Every single week he comes up with some moronic plan, pitches it to someone, they say no, R.B. fans his tears away, and then votes however the majority votes. Pathetic! Hey Connie, do you have Rainbow Brite's balls pickled in a jar somewhere? I think he needs them back.

So, Rainbow Brite wants Dan to go home. Yeah, cuz that makes a lot of sense. Jughead tells him no and that Jane should be going home instead. At the time, I applauded Jughead for his firmness and ability to see through to the endgame. He's impressed me week after week with his growing confidence and likability. You can't hate Jughead. You just can't. Not even me. This, of course, will change once I get to Tribal Council, but I'm jumping ahead.

Rainbow Brite then scampers off to Norma to tattle on Jughead. He's out of breath and panting, "Jughead wants to vote out Jane!" Norma looks at him and says something like, "Well, that's not a bad idea." R.B. says, "Really? Oh, ok. Ummm yeah you're probably right." Way to stick to your guns Rainbow Brite. Then Crazy Pants, with a nose like a bloodhound, approaches. Have you ever noticed that whenever someone is having a secret meeting in the trees Crazy Pants always shows up and gets in on it? See, I think I'd totally be like that. I'd keep my eyes on the camera crews and watch where they were headed. I don't know. I think it must be so easy to spy on Survivor. I could be totally wrong, but if there are people missing from camp and a couple camera guys asses hanging out of the trees, that's where you'll find me. Or maybe Crazy Pants is simply part canine. *shrugs shoulders* Who knows?

So the three of them have a big pow wow and Norma is adamant that if Jane makes it through then none of them will win a million dollars. I used to think that way too, but when I look at the Jury sometimes I scratch my head and wonder if that really would be true. Oh well... so then Jane approaches and wants to know what's going on. *bites fist* The awkwardness was palpable. Crazy Pants shuffles her feet and says, "Well, you know, someone has to go home." Umm, tell us something we don't know genius. Jane asks if it's Dan who's going home. Her answer is silence. Complete and utter silence. Those three chuckleheads couldn't even muster up a lie. They're standing there with a 90 year old woman in front of them, bikini half to the ground, mud streaking her face, and those window lickers couldn't bring themselves to say, "Yes Jane, Dan is going home." Hey Leigh, do you have Norma's balls pickling in a jar too? I mean, Jesus Christ! Never have I seen such a bunch of cowards looking at the ground and shuffling their feet back and forth. It's stunning to watch a second time. The long awkward pauses are just... laughable! What a bunch of spineless wimps! What happened to Norma being the big wheeling dealing hardcore Survivor master? The dude shoved his penis up his own ass and then shivered in a corner. Ridonkulous.

The best part is when Jane asks, "Y'all been conniving this the whole time?" Rainbow Brite looks to the trees for the answer. He adjusts his baseball hat a little and says, "Ummm..." Umm? Umm?! Are you serious?! Umm? Look sweetheart, one of these days you're going to have to start thinking for yourself. I'm going to make a suggestion to you. Let's make today that day. From here on out, when someone asks you what you want on your hamburger, just blurt out an answer. It's easy. Look, watch me. "Ketchup and pickles!" Boom. "Lettuce and tomato!" Bam. "Bacon and cheddar cheese!" Voila. No one was hurt. No one's crying. Other hamburgers aren't jealous. The world is still turning. Christmas is still going to happen. No one died - well, except for the cow - but you know what I mean. We're all ok. People make decisions everyday and we're... all... ok. *sigh* It's like talking to a three year old.

This is where things get really delicious. Jane is furious and a furious Jane is a Jane I want to party with. Firstly, she gives Norma the finger which was delightful. I did that last week Jane! Secondly, she tells us that North Carolina's gates are now closed to Rainbow Brite. He's no longer welcome there. The entire state voted and that's just how it is. Thirdly, she tells us that Norma better not ever, in the history of the world, call her "Mama" again. Jane didn't raise her daughter to be a liar and a cutthroat like Leigh raised her son to be a damn liar! *claps and giggles* Lastly, Psycho Jane took two giant buckets of water and put out the fire back at camp. She made that fire and she can take it away goddammit! *waves lighter in the air* Where has this Jane been all season long?! This Jane I could adore. I looooove Angry Jane. More of that please. Seriously, at home I was beaming ear to ear watching it all unfold. The smoke of the fire faded into the fog on the mountains and it was bee-you-tee-full. Nicely done Survivor editors.

And here we now are... at Tribal Council. The Jury comes in and Dimples sadly didn't give his Quitter speech again. He should give it every week, but that's just my opinion. Instead, Dimples dives right in and asks how crazy the afternoon was. Mafia Dan starts to speak, but then shuts himself up. Dimples shakes his head and threatens, "Give it to me or I'll go digging! Mwahahaha!" He's so cute when he's scary. Dan folds and fesses up to how Jane put out the fire back at the camp. Dimples asks if it was a philsophical statement and I'm not sure Jane knew what that meant because she replies with, "Can I have my say?"

Oh indeed Jane! Shit, move the furniture aside for her. Actually, let's do a theater in the round type of thing with Jane in the middle while we all just listen intently. I was expecting benches being thrown and that giant fire in front of Dimples being peed on or something, but instead all I got was, "This vote is not based on loyalty. It's full of liars of backstabbers. End of story." Dimples said exactly what I said at home, "End of story? Nuh uh. Beginning of story. I want more!"

Jane finally gives me the goods, the nectar if you will. The sweet, delicious, make you randy nectar... "Holly you call yourself a coach and a mentor yet you steal $1400 worth of personal property! Where I come from *pause for death stare* you go to jail, ok?" *throws glitter in air* Yes! Let's get the cops into this! Ooops, I'll shoosh now. Sometimes I just can't help myself.

Jane then begins to talk about the rest of her alliance throwing her under the bus. She outs her alliance and their entire plan on how they'd get to the end of the game. She makes a point to explain exactly how Loverboy Benry got voted off. That was good. That was really good because that could have just cost one of them Benry's vote.

Here's where it gets unbelievable. *pours more gin* Dimples asks the alliance of three (R.B, C.P., Norma) who's next on their list. Rainbow Brite says it's whomever doesn't win Immunity. Then, realizing he's just made a bold statement (miracle upon miracles!) he turns to Norma and Crazy Pants and asks, "So umm would you guys like agree with that?" Meanwhile Spike (Marty) is cracking up in his khakis over on Tribal Council. He's loving it just as much as I am. His shoulders are convulsing, he's biting his lip... it was hysterical! *waves to Spike* Rainbow Brite mutters on and asks again, "Would you guys agree with that?" He's asked TWICE now! Ahahaha!!! After many more awkward smiles and stares, Norma and Crazy Pants reluctantly say yes. That moron Rainbow Brite just had a secret alliance meeting in front of the Jury, Dimples, and the people he's planning on voting out! You can't write this stuff! It's so idiotic it's brilliant!

Jughead says it sounds like if he doesn't win he could be going home next. Jane then yells at Jughead, "It's writing on the wall Fabio!" There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it Jughead. You WILL go home next if you don't win Immunity! *knocks on head* McFly! Dimples says, "Three people just told you flat out that there's a three person alliance!" He goes on to point out that there are three other people on the opposing side. Dimples breaks out his markers, poster board, and easel. He draws a diagram of exactly how Dan, Jane, and Jughead should vote out Crazy Pants. He laminates it, puts it on an overhead projector for good measure. He registers it with the Library Of Congress. He does everything but tattoo it on their asses. It was unprecedented! It was genius! It's a goddamn fucking shame those idiots didn't listen!

Jane tried to get Dan and Jughead to join her and vote out Crazy Pants because the other two have Idols. Dan seemed onboard, but Jughead was still giving weird nonsensical answers about how the game changes all the time. So, yeah, Jane is the 13th person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua and the 7th member of the Jury.

So, big episode, huh? What did you guys think? Should Jughead and Dan have tried to get Crazy Pants out? Could Jane have won had she made it to the final three? Do you want to rent Angry Jane for your parties? Most importantly, we're at the end now, who do you want to win Survivor Nicaragua? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Each season the Bitchy Survivor Blog picks one player to endorse for Fan Favorite. I would loooove for Spike to win, but I'm a realist and I just don't think that's possible. Instead I think I'm going to go with Jughead. He's likable and entertaining and I think he could have a good chance of winning. Sure, he's not too bright sometimes, but look who I'm left with. I think Jughead is someone who could give Jane a run for her money. So, vote Jughead because, yeah, I told you to.

Please to enjoy this week's Life At Ponderosa:

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Number 4 Man

KellyNay, a chicken unceremoniously picked to be part of the CBS show Survivor, died at her flood and fire ravaged home yesterday in the jungles of Nicaragua. She was 11 months old. KellyNay's life may have been brief but she brought a cluckful of joy to everyone she encountered. For 99.9% of her time on Earth, KellyNay was just another anonymous nameless bird. Plucked from obscurity, she was thrust into the limelight at a very young age and quickly found herself on the fast track to stardom. Known for her sassy upbeat personality and characteristic strut, KellyNay made the elderly smile and the hearts of clam shells soar. She is survived by her mother, 7 brothers and 3 sisters. In lieu of flowers, please send hate mail to your local Chick-Fil-A. Let's recap, shall we?

Returning from the ultimate display of fuckery, the weary and exhausted tribe throw their packs haphazardly into their rickety shelter and collapse into a lump of sighs. A big ole clumpy hairy smelly pile of sighs. One lone Survivor stops to consider the great opportunity she's been given. It's a mystery to Crazy Pants (Holly) how anyone could willingly quit the game of Survivor. You and me both, girlfriend! She's stunned, mortified, angry, and probably just a teeny tiny bit jealous those Quitters are getting a hot meal and a comfy bed. Under their roof of toothpicks and matchsticks, the gaggle of boys begin to wonder what the name of their chicken is. You see, she never told them. She's mysterious like that. I think it was Loverboy (Benry) who cast his finger in the innocent fowl's direction and announced, "KellyNay be thy name!" *thunder and lightening* It was all at once funny and sad. Funny because Kelly and Nanook are the ultimate in chicken-ness and sad because how can that innocent chicken face her friends now with a horrible name like that? She'll be ostricized from the chicken community and we'll see her roaming down a lonely highway trying to cross the road with a kerchief on the end of a stick thrown sadly over her shoulder. Clearly the only way to escape her name is death, but more on that later.

As if being disgusting and worthless weren't enough, the Quitters have also put a major chink into Norma's (Sash) carefully thought out game plan. His entire alliance is gone, he hasn't really bothered to bond with any Caucasions, and the white in his beard is now competing with the brilliance of his shiny teeth. In an effort to make some fast friends, Norma decides to tell the boys that he'll play his Immunity Idol at the next Tribal Council. It'll be out of the game, he'll be a free agent, and hopefully it'll be a sign of good faith or something like that. Yeah right. Now, sitting at home I doubted the authenticity of Norma's words, but deep in the jungle only inches from his radioactive teeth skepticism might not be that easy. We all know that Norma's teeth are apparently some sort of aphrodisiac to women in the New York City area that renders ladies helpless and flat on their backs in Norma's apartment, but I maintain they're also little white beacons of death. I don't know much about chemical warfare, but if one day Norma went hiking and wandered into an Al Queda training camp, we're all done for. It's as simple as that. I know in the past I wanted to grind up Norma's teeth and sell it on the black market in Kandahar because I'm pretty sure they'd make black tar heroin blush, but the more I think about it the more I think an axis of evil lives in his molars. Norma isn't an all out villain per se, but he's definitely not a hero - that's for sure. I think his reserved demeanor and Jesus abs are what confuse me the most. It's always the quiet ones who in some way resemble a messiah who'll cut your throat and put cigarettes out on your dog in the middle of the night.

As the swing vote, Norma needs to make a decision. Does he side with the boys (Benry, Dan, Jud) or the girls (Chase, Holly, Jane)? The problem is that once he picks a side, he then becomes the "number 4 man" and thusly the least valuable. You wouldn't know that in talking to Norma though. He's ready to field offers and hear what the representatives from each alliance have to say to him. It's like in Three To Tango where the two teams of architects vie for the big job, but you know Dylan McDermott already has his mind made up. I get that vibe from Norma. He already has his mind made up and toying with the chuckleheads left is really just for sport.

So, Rainbow Brite (Chase) is the first to make an offer. "Come join the girls!", he says as he admires his new lace handkerchief. "We'll have tea parties and crumpets and I'll let you sit underneath my parasol yadda yadda yadda." Anyone else notice how creepy Rainbow Brite gets when he's trying to be persuasive? His eyes get all shifty, his ribbons wilt in the sun, and I'm not sure, but I think he might be a serial killer. There's something haunting behind his eyes and it just might be the souls of his many victims. Someone should get in touch with John Walsh. Are there any unsolved cases in the south where frilly fans and scented talcum powder were conspicuously missing from the crime scenes? Most serial killers like to keep a little memento from their victims. Everything I know in life I learned from movies and Silence Of The Lambs taught me that last little gem. Alright, so Norma entertains Rainbow Brite's offer, but wants to make sure that R.B. knows that there's no way in hell he can win against Jungle Jane and that it might be necessary vote her off sooner than later. Very slippery Norma. Slippery indeed. Rainbow Brite nods, "Yeah sure", but I don't trust him. No way he'll turn on his homegirl. Mark my words.

After an uncomfortable silence, Rainbow Brite changes the subject and brings up how fortunate Norma is to be such a loser. He's bound to get brought on some reward challenges now. Rawr! Catty to the max! I'm not sure if Norma picked up on the backhanded compliment just served him as he just smiles and nods in agreement. R.B. tells him that fer sure Norma and Crazy Pants are going on the next reward. Fer sure! I thought it was weird thing to bring up out of the blue, didn't you?

Now we arrive at the Reward Challenge and it's a doozy. Also, Dimples is wearing a fetching seafoam green safari shirt and I couldn't help but wonder to myself if Martha Stewart made a paint in that color, but I digress. This challenge is actually a combination of several challenges from the ghosts of Survivor Nicaragua past. Survivors have to race through a mud pit, dig through a pile of hay to retrieve a ball, and bounce said ball off of a shield and into a barrell. The first four people to do that get to move on to the next round. In the second round, Survivors will use a stick to retrieve a key. The key unlocks a chest that contains four sandbags. The first two people to land their sandbags on a barrell get to proceed to the final round. In the third and final round, the two left standing have to dig up three rope rings and try to toss them into position. First person to finish wins a trip to a fancy schmancy resort where food, a shower, and a real bed awaits them. As soon as I heard what the prize would be, I knew that the winner would get to choose others to join in. This should be interesting. Survivors ready, go!

All the Survivors hurl themselves into the mud and then one by one emerge looking like "Attack Of The Mud People" or something. Well, all except Mafia Dan. The second he toppled over into the mud, his knee came off, his wrist started to dangle, and the lower lumbar support of his scotch tape back brace was shot to hell. You try getting mud out of tape. Im-possible! Alright, so while Dan was left to wallow, Rainbow Brite, Loverboy, Jane, and Crazy Pants finish and move on to the next round. Survivors ready, go!

As much as I absolutely hate with every fiber of my being to admit this, Rainbow Brite kicks some major ass and blows everyone else away. He cruises through round two with Loverboy (who throws like a little girl btw) in a distant second. The final round isn't really a contest as Rainbow Brite's rope rings were all clumped together in the sand. He tosses those bitches like they were horseshoes and RAINBOW BRITE WINS REWARD!!!

Rainbow Brite's first order of business isn't to celebrate or weep salty tears of joy over his victory. No, it's to fondle and make out with Dimples! Hooray! R.B. sheepishly bats his eyelashes and asks Dimples for a hug only to be laughingly turned down. Boo! A Survivor baby is even better than the Big Brother baby I long for. Oh I suppose Amber and Rob have already provided one, but a little RainbowDimples would be much cooler.

So, of course I was right and now Rainbow Brite has to choose two people to join him on the Reward. Hearing this news, Norma beamed. Literally, he beamed! I saw all 85 of his teeth in that instance and the brilliantly beautiful brightness of the moment made just about everyone levitate a little. Rewatching the episode now, Norma even fist pumped the air a little bit. Charming! In that socially awkward way of his, Rainbow Brite picks Crazy Pants first. She was selfless last week and took one for the team so yeah, she kind of deserves it. For Norma, the excitement in the air is palpable. He gathers up his shirt and that manpurse he carries with him everywhere and prepares for Reward time. Man, it's gonna be so sweet. He can already smell the orange blossom shampoo, taste the succulent pork roast, feel the smooth crispness of the fresh white sheets against his skin... Norma starts to sidle up to take his place next to Crazy Pants when Rainbow Brite suddenly says, "I love you guys, but I feel like I have to take Jane." Doh! Oh no he di-in't! Oh yes he did. Pretty fairy princess boy with beads for brains and nail polish for blood picked Jungle Jane to join him on the Reward instead of Norma, the much sought after swing vote. Rainbow Brite actually picked his saggy skinned paramour who's gone on like 18 Rewards already instead of a guy who's ass he should be kissing. *sigh* Not too brite... not too brite at all. You better believe our boy Norma will take that back to the boardroom and put a big black check mark in the Cons column of the girls alliance.

I think Rainbow Brite's problem is that he just doesn't think. He's impulsive and makes moves based on the beating of his own heart rather than good old fashioned common sense. Not only was rebuffing Norma so publicly fucking moronic, but further flaunting his old lady alliance to the boys he also has an alliance with is just silly. Then again, why do the boys even put up with R.B.? He's not even bothering to hide the fact that his Golden Girls Alliance is the one foremost in his mind. I don't know. I don't get it. It's just so plain to me that R.B. has alliances coming out of his ass yet no one seems to target him or call him out on it. I find it very strange that Loverboy, Jughead, and Dan talk game and strategy with Rainbow Brite when his allegiance is so plainly to the menopausal crew. *shakes head* Color me confused.

After the Reward Challenge ended, the muddy and tired boys make their way back to Lasorda (Libertad). Jughead could care less that all the ladies are gone, Loverboy is psyched to get more room in the shelter, and Mafia Dan was off somewhere trying to fashion a new hip out of coconut shells. The flippancy of their attitude kind of matched the flippancy in their game play. It was almost poetic, but in a Sylvia Plath Dying/Is an art like everything else/I do it exceptionally well kind of a way not an Elizabeth Barrett Browning How do I love thee?/Let me count the ways way. Maybe Norma picked up on the flippancy as well because he immediately launches into his "I'm the number 4 man" speech again and tries to get a solid deal in motion. The only problem is his wording. Instead of saying something smart like "Hey, this is a great opportunity to get out Jane. Let's all vote her out!", he says something like "Tell me your strategy and make me some offers. If I like what I hear then maybe I'll join you.". LOL Oh Norma.

Unfortunately, Norma suffers from that pesky "I'm better than you" disease that Brenda has. He has a way of looking down his nose at people that's not only condescending, but transparent. Mafia Dan may have a twig for a leg, a sea urchin for an eyeball, and leaves for fingers, but he's not stupid and he knows very well the game Norma is playing. Dan asks, "So you're saying you might still side with them?" which sends Norma into a fit stuttering and bumbling. It was in that moment that I wondered if Norma either had a latent stuttering problem from his youth that comes out when he's nervous or if he has at some point encountered a mafioso or two back in NYC. From all that stammering and backpedaling you would have thought Mafia Dan opened his jacket and flashed a gun at the poor boy. In the end, no matter how much Dan doesn't trust Norma he has no choice but to try to keep him close. They need a fourth and, like Norma said, he's "the number 4 man".

Over at the Reward Resort, Blanche, Dorothy, and Rose are nibbling on their watermelon and clinking their pina colada glasses together in celebration. Jane puts on her nasally Reward voice and the torture begins. I swear every time she goes on a Reward that voice of hers scrapes down the inside of my brain like nails on a chalkboard. I'm not one of those people prone to headaches, but that voice... my god, that voice!... has me wandering the streets searching for Imitrex dealers. Cackling, shrieking, annoying voices are my own personal Kryptonite. They render me weak and powerless and could probably send me into a seizure if I let them linger long enough. Do you know I've never seen an episode of The Nanny or Everybody Loves Raymond? Voices like Fran Drescher's or Ray Romano's could kill someone like me. Death by Ray Romano. Horrible!

OK so finally Jane shuts her trap and goes off to take a shower. Rainbow Brite hollers for Crazy Pants and tells her to come join him for a little pow-wow. He tells, not asks. Rainbow Brite then confides that he thinks he screwed up by choosing Jane. Crazy Pants is like, "No shit!". Then R.B. turns to her and says, "Well, you should have whispered to me or something." *bites fist* Seriously? That was a little hole in the armor there if you ask me. I thought it was quite telling that Rainbow Brite's first instinct over making a bad decision would be to blame a woman who had nothing to do with the decision in the first place. It's like when someone who smacks around his wife says, "Why do you make me hit you?!" I'm not saying R.B. smacks around women, but I am saying that the remark was very character revealing. It was an odd thing to say and made me like him even less... if that's possible.

Meanwhile back at Larroquette, Norma is sharpening his knives and preparing a fitting retribution for Rainbow Brite and his women. The boys have decided to kill a chicken, but not just any chicken mind you - Jane's favorite chicken - KellyNay. In one thwack of the knife, KellyNay is nothing more than a distant memory. Her lifeless body hung limp as Norma rubbed his hands together, ran his tongue over his pearly whites, and giggled in the background. It was a move worthy of Lucifer (Russell Hantz) or maybe Spike (Marty). When they chopped her feet off, they actually giggled and said, "KellyNay is no longer." *stifles laughter* It's so evil! Yet, I'm laughing... oh this show has made me a monster. *throws hands in the air* Oh well. C'est la vie.

The very next scene we get is Jane crying over KellyNay. Hold up! Back up... beep, beep, beep. How did she find out? Did she go to play fetch with KellyNay and discovered a lone feather blowing in the breeze or did the guys break the news while fighting back giggles? Did she flip out and yell at them or run off into the woods and collapse into a bush? These are things I need to know! Maybe someone who was there can tell me how it all went down. I'll look into it because I sure as hell am not satisfied with just seeing Jane weep on the beach over her lost chicken and making a memorial out of hermit crab shells. Although I did kind of love when Jane said they didn't have to eat KellyNay because they had enough rice. Oh bitch, shut up! You were off getting a message and stuffing your face for the upteenth time! How dare you decide what's enough food for someone? You know, I was almost sympathetic over KellyNay, but not anymore. When you think about it, Jane's pretty selfish, right? I mean, she caught that fish and didn't share it with anyone and now here she is thinking everyone else should be satisfied with just rice while she was off feasting on god knows what. Selfish, selfish, selfish! Die chicken die! And that memorial looked like something out of the Blair Witch Project... creepy.

OK so now it's damage control time. The Golden Girls need to get Norma back on their side and they decide to tell him whatever they need to to earn his trust again. At home I was thinking, "Ahahaha! Fat chance! You screwed up losers! Norma holds grudges bitches!", but on my screen an entirely different story was unfolding. Norma was all smiles hugging and kissing the Reward people and I was like, "Huh?". I cocked my head to the side, stroked my chin, and said again, "HUH?!" Now, I'm not really a fan of Norma on the show (he has a nasty habit of siding with all the people I can't stand), but he's read this blog and gets a kick out of his nickname so I've been pretty nice to him, but Norma, baby, what are you doing?!? You can't win against Jane or Crazy Pants. Slice their throats like you did that chicken goddamit! I was hoping for a major guilt trip and instead I got kissy kissy face. Blech!

So while the love fest amongst Norma and the estrogen poppers was going on, off in another corner Loverboy was all paranoid wondering if his name was brought up out on that Reward. He crouches down on the floor, crinkles his forehead, puts on some sad puppy dog eyes, and looks to Rainbow Brite for guidance. Am I missing something here? Rainbow Brite made a huge push a few weeks ago to get Loverboy out of the game and Loverboy found out about it! Why in the world would he go to R.B. for anything at all? When did their beef not become a beef? While I was busy searching for answers and ways to understand, it turns out there was nothing to search for. Loverboy is just a pussy - plain and simple. He'll suck up to his biggest enemy and stab his best friend in the back in a split second. Rainbow Brite mentions how maybe they'll vote out Jughead and without even hesitating Loverboy says "OK". No arguments, no lobbying, no scrambling... just "OK". Wow, what a douchebag! I understand trying to stay in the game, but when you stop and break down what Loverboy is so willingly to be a part of, you realize that he'd be NUMBER FIVE in the Golden Girls alliance. He'd go from being number one or two in his own alliance to NUMBER FIVE in another alliance filled with people who can't stand him. LOL Idiot.

Out in the woods, Rainbow Brite finally gets his chance to make amends with Norma. I was looking forward to all sorts of sucking up and ass kissing, but nooo. Norma forgives him before he can even say he's sorry. Nor-ma! You know I'm annoyed when I hyphenate. Some people kick groins or punch walls, I hyphenate. It's like when your mom gives you Mexican Mom Face. It's that one look that levels you. My mom's a pro at it. I can't quite do it myself so instead I play with punctuation and stir my gin all mad-like. So Rainbow Brite is forgiven and Norma tries to seal a final 3 deal by getting R.B. to swear on his dead father. *silence* Oy. Ummm yeah so... awk-ward! *fidgets* Here's where it gets interesting: Rainbow Brite refuses to swear on his dad. On the one hand, I get it, but at the same time I have to wonder why not? He's fine swearing on his mom... and she's alive! Yes, it was weird and kinda creepy for Norma to even suggest the dead dad thing, but if R.B. is telling the truth, then why not just swear on your dad? Before I get comments calling me heartless, I lost my father not too long ago and if I had nothing to hide and was telling the truth, I'd swear on him. Actually, knowing my dad, he'd probably be fine with me swearing on him if I was lying. For a million dollars, he'd be like, "Swear! Swear!" The whole swearing on people thing is weird anyways. They do that shit all the time on Big Brother and I never understand it. It doesn't mean anything. A lightening bolt isn't going to shoot out the sky and strike you down if you're lying. It's just silly words. All that matters is what's in your heart which, in Rainbow Brites case, is marshamallows, Jujube's, and dangly earrings.

It's taking me forever to write this today so I'm going to do a little fast forwarding through the Immunity Challenge. It was a complicated challenge with people tangled in ropes (like that one BB12 endurance challenge) and a puzzle. The noteworthy part was at the end when Norma, Loverboy, and Jughead were trying to solve the puzzle. Loverboy took one look at it and wanted to give up, Jughead cheated off of Norma and told Jane to shut up, and Norma blew them all away so... NORMA WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Norma winning really doesn't effect the vote at all. He already has the Immunity Idol so that was kind of anticlimactic. Norma's reaction to it all, however, was not. He says he's a triple threat now, controls the entire game, and hasn't bothered been given his all thus far. Nor-ma! *sigh* Let's amuse Norma for a second here - let's say he's right and he does control the entire game... why in the land of fuckdom would you not take this opportunity to get Jane out?!? Now is the time to clean house and start making some power moves. Jane would be the perfect power move. Furthermore, it would be in Norma's best interest not to break up the boy's alliance right now and start making plans to take someone like Mafia Dan to the end with him. I mean, come on! No way Dan is winning this game. You take him to the end, you've already got a 50% chance of winning.

Instead of anyone taking my genius ideas and putting them to good use, the plan is to now get rid of Jughead. Sure, Jughead is a threat, but but but I still maintain that keeping the boys in power is a better move for Norma right now. It blows me away that Operation Get Rid Of Jane isn't on everyone's mind. Am I not as smart as I think am? Is there something I'm missing? Let me know in the comments if you think it's nuts for Norma not to try to go the finals with Dan being at least one of the people.

Jughead begins to show some signs of intuition as he suspects something might be up and he might be on the chopping block. Unfortunately, the extent of his strategic powers pretty much end there as he decides to kick back and let time tell what will happen. Meanwhile, the others decide to fool Jughead by telling him that Crazy Pants is the real target. Loverboy admits to feeling some tiny pangs of uneasiness about it while Dan just shrugged his shoulders and was like, "Whatever. Fuhget about it." I can't even bring myself to recap the scene where Norma kissed Jane's ass and call her "Mama"... *shivers* Scarred. For. Life.

Now we arrive at Tribal Council. March in the Quitters, Dimples! Actually, Dimples makes up a little bit for the colossal mistakes he made last week (i.e. smuffing) by calling Insignificant Kelly and that piece of trash Nanook "Quitters" as many times as possible. "We'll now bring in the members of our Jury... our two Quitters. Kelly - Quitter #1. Nanook - Quitter #2. They quit at the last Tribal Council. Look at those Quitters. Here come the Quitters. Take a seat Quitters. Are you comfortable Quitters? Ok let's get started... Quitters, Quitters, Quitters!" Yeah, it was pretty funny.

In all honesty, it was kind of an uneventful Tribal. Loverboy thought he was safe, Jughead thought he was safe, and Norma bragged about winning Immunity. In the end it turns out that none of the pre-Tribal strategy actually mattered at all for us, the viewers, because in a surprise ending Loverboy Benry is the 12th person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua and the 6th member of the Jury. Personally, I'm pleased with how things panned out - Benry was douchetastic... however the hell it all happened we'll never know because the editing this season is beyond whacky. What did you guys think? Do you think Norma chose the right side? Were you surprised how quickly Loverboy turned on his own alliance? Don't you think getting rid of Jane would have been a better move? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Please to enjoy Life At Ponderosa:

Thursday, December 2, 2010

I Have Nothing Left To Suck

Smuff (smuf)
v. smuffed, smuff-ing, smuffs

verb, transitive
1. To inadvertantly reward an ignorant piece of trash and a waste of human flesh by refusing to kick them in the ovaries and choosing to instead gently put out their flames with a bout of rah-tarded tender loving care.

1. The act of smuffing.
2. Something uneducated teachers say.

Smuff out my torch Jeff because I'm an ugly ungrateful whore who wasted everyone's time, stole someone else's spot, and embarrassed my family, community and students beyond redemption on national television.

Let's recap, shall we?
Warning: Very heavily laced with profanity today. That's what happens when I get pissed off.

The prepubescent Asian boy in desperate need of a lesson in humility is gone and Insignificant Kelly is confused. Surprise, surprise. The girl who hasn't spoken two words in 28 days, the idiot who can't string a sentence together to form a complete thought is confused. "Brenda leaving the game like completely screwed me over... I was like completely left in the dark... I'm like completely an annoying sack of shit right now who's going to sit on this rock and cry because I no longer have anyone to completely carry me through this like game.", she said. Mowgli (Brenda) being ejected from the game has brought Insignificant Kelly's world crashing all around her and now she's all like tormented and impotent about it. Her french braids are crooked, her bubble gum is all sandy, and there are like no malls in Nicaragua! *stabs self in ear with a rusty fireplace poker* Forever 21 is having a sale and she's like going to like miss it!

The next morning a new day tries to begin but the sun just can't be bothered to rise. All that whining and complaining from Insignificant Kelly the night before made it hit the snooze button and go back to sleep. No one wants to listen to that crap - not even a vital astronomical orb that makes life on Earth possible. Instead, an ominous and foreboding storm of sideways Forrest Gump rain and droopy gray clouds came rolling in and turned the dirt into mud, the pond into a river, and Nanook (NaOnka) into SadTonka. If you reach back into the cavernous recesses of your mind, you'll remember that Nanook not only suffers from complete and utter unlikability, but also has Multiple Personality Disorder. There's Nanook - the disgusting piece of filth who likes to steal food and talk trash, there's LaLooney - the charming Southern Belle who volunteers at the local soup kitchen on weekends and celebrates life with smiles and hugs, and there's SadTonka - the suicidal manic depressive who likes to cry when it rains. We're not exactly sure if the personalities know about one another, but one thing we do know is that inclement weather is a definite trigger. Eve (The Three Faces Of Eve) was triggered by anxiety, Sybil was triggered by fear, and Nanook is triggered by a low pressure weather system. Go figure.

So all the tribe members are pretty much miserable, but they endure. They sit huddled together in their rickety old shelter and they wait patiently for the rains to pass them by. Some sit and stare at the active horizon while others marvel at the strength of the now raging river that was once their cute little pond. One lone Survivor, however, decides to take a different approach. SadTonka wraps herself in a burlap sack and begins to cry. Those dark clouds in the distance are the dark clouds invading the inside of her brain. She's out of Zoloft, the noose she tried to make scratched up her poor hands, there's not an exhaust pipe within 50 miles that she wrap her lips around, and someone (Nanook!) may or may not have buried the machetes again. Bitch is in the bell jar and, to make matters worse, it's contagious!

Insignificant Kelly sits next to SadTonka and in an all too convenient camera moment, she laments that she doesn't know how much more she can take. Give me a fucking break. SadTonka is sitting there reciting Sylvia Plath poems and hoping a Sandinista left a gun with a bullet in it behind in the jungle somewhere while Insignificant Kelly simply wants a fluffy pillow and a stuffed teddy bear to snuggle. She could be making name tags for sorority recruits with puffy pens and chocolate sprinkles, but instead she's out in the jungle more than 2/3 rd's of the way done on her way to winning a million dollars. O me, O life! O fuck off and die. Seriously, thousands of people vie year after year trying to get a spot on the greatest reality show of all time and there sits Princess Poppycock sad she doesn't have enough marshmallows in her hot cocoa. It's disgusting. Look, Survivor is hell. We know this. Everyone knows this! It's been 21 seasons of people starving, falling into fires, getting eaten alive by sand fleas, and suffering from hideous skin and intestinal infections. Survivor brings the most strapping of men to their knees while turning the women into Pro-Ana poster children so when a little rain comes into the picture and Shirley Temple sits there sucking her thumb because her H&M gift card is about to expire, you better believe I'm going to get pissed off about it. Survivor is an institution. It's a beacon of high standards to which all other reality shows should be compared to. It is not some little show you go on and then one day decide to quit because you wake up with a case of the sads. This shit Insignificant Kelly is pulling is like someone joining the Navy Seals and being shocked there's no cookie drive or badges to earn. It's ree-dick-you-luss! Ugh!

At home I was hurling my beautiful new Christmas ornaments at the screen and punching holes into walls out of frustration while on the television a voice of reason finally emerged and began to calm me down. It was Crazy Pants (Holly). In an unprecedented WTF moment, Crazy Pants holds an empowerment seminar beneath the leaky tarp of the tiny shack and in a matter of two minutes the once cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs student surpassed the wise all-knowing teacher. Life Coach Clam Shell has done his job. He was there to teach, inspire, motivate, and pull a midwestern housewife out of her slump. Not only did he do that, but he created Antonia Robbins. Mark my words: Crazy Pants will be living on an island in Fiji, selling DVD's in late night infomercials, and traveling regularly to Singapore charging tens of thousands of dollars teaching people how to unleash their power. I shit you not. We had Insignificant Kelly sad she couldn't look through her sticker collection, SadTonka trying to slice her wrists open with a twig, and there, above it all, was Crazy Pants telling everyone that they'll be stronger people in life for having gone through this experience. The majesty of the moment brought a tear to the eye of one very proud bivalve. *sniffles* Poetry.

While Crazy Pants was demonstrating with flow charts and graphs how to achieve healthy self-esteem, Loverboy (Benry) and Jughead (Jud) slinked away into the trees to have a heart to heart. They're thrilled that Nanook and Insignificant Kelly want to quit. It brings them two steps closer to the million and they've got zero problem with that. Let those stupid bitches quit. They're annoying anyways. More rice for the boys!

Conversely, Rainbow Brite (Chase) gathers up his skirts, takes advantage of the brief break in the storm, and drags SadTonka out of the shelter to find out exactly how badly she wants to Anne Sexton herself. The only problem (for us) is that SadTonka has left the building. You see, it's sunny again. Now, I expected SadTonka to disappear, but what I didn't expect was for LaLooney to choose this specific moment in time to reappear. *sigh* To make matters worse, LaLooney is feeling uber generous today. She begins by talking about her heart and how it's just not in the game anymore and before we can all blink our eyes and realize what's happening, LaLooney gives her Immunity Idol to Rainbow Brite. Wha... wha... what?!? Rainbow Brite?! Really? Of all the people left in the game, she gives the damn Idol to the one guy she calls "Scatterbrain"? *shakes head* Had Nanook not been taken over by LaLooney in that moment, she probably would have given her Idol to Crazy Pants. She calls Crazy Pants "Mama" for crying out loud! Instead she gives it the guy she spent an entire episode bitching about. I don't get it. I really don't get it. I went down to my laboratory mixing beakers and writing all sorts of fascinating backwards and upside down letters in my black and white marble journal and I still can't figure out why in the hell LaLooney gave that Idol to Rainbow Brite. It makes no sense!

Speaking of making no sense, we now arrive at the Reward Challenge. Oh excuse me, the movie sponsored Reward Challenge. The scene opens with what I thought were two dead bodies strapped to tables. I was hoping for some sort of autopsy themed challenge with the Survivors flinging innards at one another or something like that, but noooo I never get my way. What I thought were dead bodies were actually dummies of Gulliver (which Dimples pronounced as Glulllliver) from the new soon-to-not-be-a-hit-film Gulliver's Travels starring Jack Black. Survivors will be divided into two teams and tethered together. They will have to, as a team, untie Glullliver and carry him through an obstacle course. First team to reach the end will be taken to the Survivor Cinema for a showing of Gulliver's Travels complete with popcorn, candy, hot dogs, and nachos. The Yellow Team is Jughead, Norma (Sash), Jungle Jane, and Insignificant Kelly. The Blue Team is Crazy Pants, Nanook, Loverboy, and Rainbow Brite. Mafia Dan was conveniently not chosen so he gets to sit in a giant chair and rewrap his limbs with more scotch tape while cheering on the Blue Team. If the Blue Team wins, he gets to join them on Reward. Survivors ready, go!

Teams get to work on untying Glullliver and Insignificant Kelly immediately begins whining. She's retying knots Jughead has already untied and being an all around asshole. Somehow the Yellow Team manages to release their Glullliver first and they approach the giant wall they have to carry Glullliver over. Insignificant Kelly gets kicked in the head by Glullliver's foot and out of annoyance her team starts yelling at her. The Blue Team manages to sneak ahead as they make their way through a rope maze. The final obstacle is a long tunnel of ropes that Glullliver has to come out the other end of. It was creepy and reminded me of a birth canal. Seriously, when his head eeked out the end of the tunnel, my uterus clenched. Jungle Jane was uncharacteristically slacking and Kelly got stuck mid contraction so BLUE TEAM WINS REWARD!!!

And now we arrive at what I like to call "Fuckery time". Dimples is all excited telling the Blue Team how they'll get to see this great new movie and eat candy and get popcorn stuck in their teeth and all that when Nanook raises her hand and requests to speak. She says something to the effect of, "I gave this game 110%. I'm a sucky lying hypocrite. I played the best game I know how. The voices inside my head are confusing me. My body has no more left to give. This will be last day. I wanted to go out in a miserable display of selfishness." Dimples cocks his head to the side and says, "So, you're quitting?" Nanook mumbles yes and Dimples is unthrilled. His mouth gets tight, his lips get thin, and that normal sparkle in his eye is extinguished in a nano-second. *shivers* Dimples without his sparkle is scary. It's sacrilegious, barbaric, and, quite frankly, unbecoming. It's like Andy Cohen without his lazy eye or Tinkerbell without her wings. Then, probably out of sarcasm and pure disgust, Dimples snidely asks if anyone else wants to quit. "Peep" goes the pathetic baby bird and Insignificant Kelly moans that her body just can't take it anymore. She's exhausted and mentally she just can't take it. Let's rewind and analyze that last line. Mentally she just can't take it... hmm ok. Mentally, Insignificant Kelly is a shoe horn. She's a carpet fiber, a ripped garbage bag, a used up dryer sheet. Mentally, Insignificant Kelly is INSIGNIFICANT! She's useless. She's unentertaining. She, herself, acknowledged that "Oh isn't it funny I don't talk? Tee hee hee." No bitch, it's not funny! It's bloody boring! I can't believe I had to do a blog post about you! No one even knew you were on the damn show until last week! Why do you exist?! Your skin could have been used to create an engineer or a scientist or a great artist or an inspirational writer. Instead it was wasted on YOU. Vapid, useless, boring YOU. God, I hate you. *tears a chunk of hair out of head*

Dimples is floored. He can't understand what's happening. This is Survivor. You don't quit Survivor! There's no crying in baseball and there's no quitting in Survivor. It's like a law or something. Survivor is Probst's castle (he's a producer now you know) and how dare these little fucktards shit all over it?! It's not that Nanook and Kelly would be out of the game that's bothersome. It's their complete and utter disregard for the sanctity of the game that's completely abhorrent. It's an abomination really. You know it, I know it, and Dimples knows it. And, that's why Dimples refuses to let them quit right then and there. He insists they wait out the day and then decide.

Before Dimples can head back to his hut and pour himself a nice tall glass of Scotch, he offers someone on the Blue Team a chance to opt out of the Reward in exchange for rice and a tarp for the entire tribe. Loverboy leans over and whispers to Nanook, "It should be you... it should be you... you're quitting anyways... you should do it." Now, some might wonder why Mafia Dan didn't back out since he didn't even compete. Well chickadees, I'm rewatching the episode right now and Dimples didn't make the offer to Dan. He specifically offered it to Crazy Pants, Rainbow Brite, Loverboy, and Nanook. Dimples continues and says, "This is a hero move... or a heroine move." Nanook just sits there with all eyes on her. Life Coach Clam Shell taps Crazy Pants on the shoulder and without a second thought she rises and announces, "I'll do it. I need to take care of these guys." *clam shell tear* Crazy Pants can eat a whole truck load of hot dogs when she gets home. What matters now is that these last 11 days are bearable. Loverboy starts flinging rocks at Nanook's head and whispers, "You should do it. Tell her to sit down. You're going to eat tonight! She needs to eat!" Nothing. No reaction. No guilt. Nothing. In fact, I'm pretty sure I saw Nanook turn her buff into a bib. Un-believable.

Back at Leavenworth (Libertad), the tribe is giving Crazy Pants (and the tiny mollusk in her pocket) a standing ovation. Insignificant Kelly has the nerve to thank C.P. for her selflessness. Oh shut up bitch! I don't want to hear anything out of you. Crazy Pants is slightly nicer than I am so she takes Asshole Kelly aside and asks her if she's still planning on quitting. Kelly starts to go into her big "I've had enough, my body can't take it" speech when Crazy Pants holds her hand up signaling Kelly should shut her trap. C.P. then tells Kelly what she tells her daughters. It was something about running track and winning state championships. I don't know. The gist of it was that YOU DON'T QUIT SURVIVOR! It was then that I pictured Crazy Pants daughters back home cringing as they remembered how during Junior year mom wouldn't let them go to the big dance. Instead, they had to drink protein shakes and do stadium stairs at 5 am every morning. I saw a new side to Crazy Pants in that moment. It was her "No more wiiiire hangaaaaars!!!" side. Was I the only one who could hear Joan Crawford bellowing in the distance, "Christina get out of that bed right now and clean up this mess!" ? (Name the movie I'm talking about in the comments and you're a big weiner!) So yeah, Crazy Pants told Insignificant Kelly to suck it up and Kelly replied, "I have nothing left to suck." The sound of Kelly's male fanbase multiplying was deafening in that moment.

Enter Gulliver's Travels promo sequence here. I'm too lazy to write about it.

All of this brings us up to the big moment: Tribal Council. Will the two trifling bitches quit or not? Since the promo spoiled it, Jeff Probst's twitter spoiled it, and every other entertainment magazine out there spoiled it, I think we all already know the answer. Note to Survivor producers/publicists/hosts: STOP FUCKING SPOILING MY SHOW! Thank you.

OK so the Jury enters and they're all smiles. Spike (Marty) still looks like he's been golfing instead of dancing around the Underworld, Alligator Lady Alina was pretty in pink, and Mowgli was, well, Mowgli.

Wasting no time, Dimples addresses the reason why this impromptu Tribal Council was being held. He announces how Nanook and Insignificant Kelly both want to quit the game and in that instance the sound of three jaws hitting the floor went thud, thud, thud. Three of the most crafty duplicitous players of the season were sitting on that Jury stunned. How dare anyone anywhere even think of quitting Survivor?!? Insignificant Kelly looked meek and embarrassed while Nanook (or maybe it was a new personality) was furrowing her brow and squenching up her face. It was a look I'd never seen before so I had no idea who to attribute it to.

Crazy Pants gives a nice little homage to Jimmy Johnson for helping her out when she wanted to quit on Day 5. Jungle Jane then steps up to the pulpit and begins to preach. She has drive, determination, and the will to fight. Life is no picnic unless you grew up privileged. No one is going to do you any favors unless you stand your ground and fight for yourself. *waves lighter in the air* In this economy, times are hard and being weak won't get you anywhere in life. You have to push, strive, try, and claw your way through the muck and grime to make your mark in this world. Quitters never win, cheaters never prosper, and pathetic losers never get respect. Quitting stunts your growth, sets you back. *shouts hallelujah!* There are a lot of people going through difficult times right now and only a select few in the world get the distinct privilege of playing Survivor. Survivor is a gift. It's a chocolate-covered, rolled in macademia nuts, and sprinkled with diamond dust gift. I don't know about you, but I never throw away a piece of chocolate.

Nanook sits through all the inspirational comments everyone is making, says she's happy to be the only African American player left (WRONG! Norma is still there.), says she comes from a family of strong black women (Big fat lie! A strong black woman wouldn't give up.), says she could have won the million dollars becuase of her charm (Ha! Fat chance.), and promptly quits Survivor Nicaragua.

Dear NaOnka Patricia Mixon,

You are pathetic. You are a vile, disgusting piece of diarrhea stuck in the crevices of my sneakers. Your presence in the game of Survivor Nicaragua was a joke. You are a joke. You're a petty thief with nothing to offer the world but ugly looks and mispronounced verbs. You wasted the chance of a lifetime acting repugnant in front of millions people, lying, and then crying like a bitch and quitting. All that bravado and not a thing to show for it. Typical. You will amount to nothing in life because you give up too easily and, let's face it, you're kind of a nut job. May I never see your hideous face again.

Colette Lala

Then, because she can't think for herself, Insignificant Kelly quits. I'd write Kelly a letter too, but seriously what's the point? She's an idiot. She won't understand it.

Spike drops his head in his hands, Alina starts crying, and Mowgli becomes furious. I feel your pain you guys. Damn, do I feel it! Believe me, I'd much rather have any of you bitches back in the game if it were possible. Well, maybe not Mowgli. Who am I kidding here? Let's just pretend she never existed. But Spike or Alina... any day of the week, any second of the day... I think we'd all take you guys back.

Dimples then asks these two wretched hosebeasts what he should do with their torches. Nanook suggests he "smuffs" them. *sigh* This woman is an educator, people - an educator! And what do you think Dimples does? He smuffs the torches, tells them they're now on the Jury, and calls it a night. No, no, NO!!!

NO, they should not be on the Jury. We can do with a Jury with of 7. We don't need 9.

NO, they should not be allowed to go to Ponderosa. They should be stripped of their buffs and shoved face first onto a cargo plane back home.

NO, they should not be allowed to sit with the coveted Jury on finale night and from here on out they should also not be allowed to attend any Survivor reunions or Reality functions. Once you quit, that's it! All your privileges have been revoked. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Just go the fuck home!

So yeah, that happened and I'm damn mad about it. What did you guys think of last night's episode? Was Insignificant Kelly just copying Nanook? Did Nanook develop a new delusional personality at Tribal? Was Alina crying out of frustration or because now she has to deal with those two chuckleheads for the next 11 days? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Please to enjoy Life At Ponderosa: