Back at camp, there is only question on everybody's mind: Who has the clue to the Immunity Idol? Danielle quickly grabs Parvati and Lucifer over to an isolated section of the jungle. She retells her frightening tale of battling with Galumpy over the clue. There were knives involved and those big gladiator balls with the spikes on the end. Danielle, like many great recappers in the world, knows when to embellish a story for the greater good. She had limbs popping out and entrails all tangled up. She might have even scalped Colby... I'm not sure. Her story ends with her reaching a bloodied arm into a boiling pit of lava through medieval like spears to retrieve the clue. Lucifer is pleased. So pleased, in fact, he reads the clue and goes off to find it for himself. *sigh* Danielle has a lot to learn. Rule #1: Never share a clue with Lucifer.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Stick With Me And I'll Take You Places
It all began down south in the armpit of the Bayou where the alligator roam and nutria is something that's not exactly good for your hair. One hot sticky summer day -the kind of day that called for Mint Juleps and large hats - the swamp burbled, some branches shook, and out of the sweltering thickness a Galumpy was born (Sure, she hails from Montana, but roll with me on this. Suspend disbelief dammit.) Galumpy, nee Amanda, is an unfortunate wriggling stumpy legged afterthought of a human. Someone a long time ago told her she was the type of girl that was made for pageant-ing (so was Kari Ann Paniche and Carrie Prejean so that's not saying much for the pageant system). Surprisingly, pageants and Galumpy seemed to go hand in hand. Waving vacantly prevented her from grasping and clawing at her own elbows. Walking and smiling kept her from hiccuping and saying boneheaded things. Thinking wasn't a requirement, sad puppy dog eyes were considered charming, and even a good evening gown can hide cankles. The toxic Aqua Net filled air of the backstage served Galumpy well. It got her all the way to Survivor China, Survivor Micronesia, and Survivor Heroes V. Villains. Most people have to be working in a bar on Hollywood Blvd. or run into Marky Mark Burnett at the Malibu Whole Foods to get cast. Not Galumpy. She walked into CBS armed with her pageant reel, some vaseline on her teeth, and her awesomeley strange talent. It's her "talent" that got her where she is today. It's at once horrifying, captivating, remarkable and a bunch of other 4 syllable words I can't be bothered to look up. Galumpy would walk out onstage followed by a short hairy man with a limp and a fedora that smelled like Pepto Bismol. He'd play a single solitary note on the piano - I think it was an F sharp - and then Galumpy would perform her magic. With incredible precision and finesse she'd open her mouth, flip her head back, wait a few seconds for each one of her teeth to grow little legs where they'd march across her sad stupid face and then devour it whole. Yes, her teeth would eat her face. When she's all done she stands there proud of herself... blood dripping down her arms, a fleshy gooey stump hanging awkardly off her neck. Crowds can't help but shout "Again! Again!". That face eating crap may work in Miss USA, but it won't get you far in Survivor. Let's recap, shall we?
It was a harrowing night at Tribal Council where Parvati laughed her throaty laugh and expertly played 2 secret Idols thus sending home one of Survivor's "golden boys". Rupert was left scratching his head (or was he petting the iguana family in his hair?) wondering what the hell just happened. Candice, on the other hand, was kind of in awe. She'd never seen a girl smile and kick ass before. You see, Candice has this weird idea that if you're a girl and you smile a lot, you'll end up working in a factory in a tiny town in North Carolina making back scratchers or shoe horns. It's what happened to her mom and her aunts. They were the giggly sort who liked to laugh and play practical jokes on one another. Now all they've got to show for it is a double wide and a colorful collection of Kool-Aid in the pantry. Candice doesn't want to go down like that so she decided as a very young girl never to smile and to always looked pissed off and pinched. Sure, she's never had any friends and was forced to beat up boys in order to get a prom date, but she's not working in a factory and that's all that matters. As you can imagine, seeing Parvati smile and swish and giggle and send home one of the most powerful players was like witnessing a miracle for Candice. She began to reevaluate her entire philosophy on life. This new discovery for Candice was at once wonderful and strange... kinda like getting your period for the first time. You're totally psyched you're a woman, but then you realize white hot pants, late night skinny dipping, and walking down the stairs on your hands are no longer free to be enjoyed any time you like. Candice knows this "smiling" thing will take getting used to. First things first, she's gonna take her hair down from her ponytail. It was a subtle vaguely Mary Tyler Moore-ish move that most of you might have missed. I, on the other hand, caught it and saw it as a rebirth of sorts.
While Candice was busy marvelling at the fact that she has breasts and can indeed put them to good use, Lucifer was off in the corner stewing in his own bubbling lava-like juices. The Lord Of The Underworld is not happy my friends. Someone in Samoa playing the same game he is had the nerve to find an Immunity Idol and not tell him about it. Well, you know what Lucifer? Suck on it. Suck on it long and hard and get used to the fact that you are NOT the King Of Survivor. I like you and all and I enjoy watching you play, despite the fact that you beat up women on the weekends, but watching you discover that you're not all knowing tickled me right in my no-no... and I liked it! I knew that "dumb bitch" comment would come back and haunt you one day. Well, here it is my friend. Parvati played you and she played you good. Now, get your head out of your ass, get over it, and get back to being the devious mind I admire. This insecure thumb sucking "I didn't get my way" bullshit doesn't look good on you. It doesn't look good on anyone, but it especially doesn't look good on you.
After a restless night of Rupert and Galumpy whining and kicking sand on each other, Candice awoke with a glint in her eye. Something inside her has changed and she now needs to seek out fellow brethren who can help her realize her full potential. Who does a girl who's just discovered she's a girl turn to? Why, Lucifer, of course! Candice marches right up to Lucifer and says something along the lines of, "Hey, I've got these things called boobs and teeth and hair and, I'm not sure, but I think I can use them to help me in this game. I see you're tight with Parvati and Danielle... can I, maybe, ummm get in on that?" Lucifer smiled toothlessly, rubbed his own belly for luck, and put a stumpy little arm around Candice's shoulder... "This here's a sinkin' ship and youse gots ta shit or get off the ship, ya know what I'm saying? Someone's gots ta jump. You can jump up or you can jump down but someone's gots ta jump or else this ship's gonna sink."...or something like that. It made no sense to me, but it impressed Candice and that's all that Lucifer cares about. He's got a itchin' in his loins that Sandra is about to jump the proverbial ship so he needs to have a new first mate waiting and in the wings. Candice just might be that gal.
This brings us to the Sunset Daze portion of the show. Put your teeth in a jar, grab a new pair of Depends, and crush some Centrum Silver into your O.J. because it's Survivor Shuffleboard time! Survivors will play on teams of 3. The team to shoot their puck the closest to the target wins a trip to Robert Louis Stevenson's house where they'll enjoy a bed and a midnight showing of Treasure Island. Not one person, save Colby, could give a flying fuck about the Reward. Everyone had their minds on the clue to a new Idol that just had to be lurking somewhere on that Reward. After a tense final round the team that was Colby, Danielle, and Galumpy *groan* won.
The winners are whisked away to Robert Louis Stevenson island where a lovely local woman with an accent is giving them a tour of the famed RLS house. She's showing them olden timey knick knacks and pieces of inspiration for his many novels (one of which was Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde - who knew?). Brass alligators, fancy rocking chairs, fraying linen shirts, sterling silver lighters, painstakingly handcrafted tapestries... valuable historical memorabilia meant to be enjoyed by island visitors. Colby and Danielle, hands on chins fondling their own stubble, are captivated and appreciative. Galumpy, on the other hand, kicks the tour guide to the ground, grabs the brass alligator, breaks it over the back of the 18th century rocking chair, and claws at the priceless tapestries searching for a clue to the Idol. She knows, deep in her cankles, that there is a clue somewhere in that damned house. She'll disembowel the help if she has to. When she finishes clawing at the floorboards she starts to claw at her own tree trunk legs. Maybe a Survivor crew person hid the idol somewhere in her meaty thigh when she was asleep. Maybe it's in the belly of the dog asleep in the other room. Or maybe it's hidden in the dry wall. Galumpy frantically finds a machete and wild eyed she heaves it over her head ready to chop up anything, even herself, that might contain a clue. She's just about to bring the blade down on a fluffy puppy sleeping in the corner when in walks Viola, one of the women who give tours at the house, with an announcement, "It's movie time! There's popcorn in the bedroom for you." Reluctantly, Galumpy sets down her weapon. Her hands are shaking, her knees are knocking, and her left eye is twitching. Damn you Viola, damn you!
In the bedroom, Danielle, Colby, and Galumpy are sitting side by side in a giant bed with a bowl of popcorn between them. Treasure Island is on the tube and Colby couldn't be happier. It was his favorite story as a boy... pirates, buried treasure, one legged seamen with parrots, bravery, loyalty, swashbuckling... sure, the fact that the film was called TREASURE Island and the irony that entails is completely lost on ole tired boring not so bright Colby. Survivor Shmurvivor. He was already planning to make a fort and tell ghost stories with the gals once the movie was over. If he's lucky, they'll let him play 7 Minutes In Heaven and he can touch one of Danielle's giant boobies. Yup. That was Colby's plan. Relive his youth, roast some marshmallows, and grab some shut eye so he can look all sparkly and pretty for Probsty in the morning. I mean, what else is there to do?
Danielle and Galumpy knows what else there is to do. They know there's a clue somewhere in that room and it's not like they're watching How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days or something. Treasure Island is sooooo boring. How can boys watch that crap? Had it been a Matthew McConaughey or a Drew Barrymore movie I might be telling a very different tale... a tale not so vicious and pathetic. A tale free of fingernails and debauched negotiations. A tale that ends in Colby getting to feel someone up.
Instead I tell a tale so frightening you'll want to make sure you have all your lights on and a phone nearby. OK the room was dim with only the images from the television lighting the way. In the distance a Captain cried out, waves crashed violently, and Danielle reached into the popcorn bowl to discover a clue to the Immunity Idol. At home we all swallowed uncomfortably and sighed. We whispered, "Thank god." and we hoped Galumpy didn't hear us. Gingerly and slowly Danielle slipped the clue in her hand and then did something that caused me to question all that's right in the world. She extends her right arm off the edge of the bed and drops the clue on the floor. Wha... wha... what?!? She drops the fucking clue on the fucking floor?!? Bitch, you shove that shit in your bikini bottom where the sun doesn't shine like any good Villain would. You don't drop it on the floor! Stick in your moustache or in your top or in your hair, but not on the floor! What are you thinking?
As if that's not bad enough, Galumpy, the nosiest person on the planet who has a habit of popping up precisely when you don't want her to, gets up off the bed and wanders over to Danielle's side. Now, had I been Danielle and had inexplicably dropped the clue on the floor I would have jumped up before Galumpy got over to me and grabbed that shit inserting it like a tampon. Pardon my graphic wording, but desperate times call for desperate measures sometimes. Instead, Danielle lies there hoping Galumpy won't see the clue sitting smack dab in the middle of the fucking floor. *sigh* Had Danielle employed my tampon idea I wouldn't have to recap what happened next.
Galumpy galumped her way in the direction of the clue, she reaches over, grabs it with two hands, holds it against her stomach, and mumbles, "Mine." Danielle jumps out of bed and shouts, "No! Mine!" Colby says, "Shhhh, I'm trying to watch the movie." Danielle begins to kick Galumpy in her legs, but Galumpy just stands there and whines, "It's miiiiiiine." Wild haired and frothing at the mouth, Danielle beats up the air and wails, "I found it first! It's MINE!!!" This dance of Galumpy sighing and mumbling and Danielle shrieking and kicking goes on for about 5 minutes. The whole time Colby is supine on the bed brushing popcorn crumbs off his chest. He's falling in and out of sleep sliding one hand in a very Al Bundy-esque manner down his pants. If only those girls would shut up and let him get back to his movie...
What happens next though is nothing short of genius... and idiotic.... I'll call it "gediotic". Look, I invented a new word. Talent! OK so for some reason, Danielle asks Colby (a HERO) to decide who should get the clue to the Immunity Idol. Colby yawns, scratches his balls, and asks, "What clue?" Oh Colby, Why. Are. You. Here. Perhaps still in midsleep or perhaps preoccupied with Danielle's breasts (I mean, seriously, who isn't?), Colby, in his infinite wisdom, decides the clue's rightful owner is Danielle. Galumpy is stunned and silent. Danielle is triumphant and shouts, "Give it!". After a few seconds more of Galumpy just standing there not moving she reluctantly HANDS OVER the clue to Danielle. Hahaha! Sucker! You stupid idiot. First off, NEVER give away a clue. Secondly, who decided Colby had any authority whatsoever? The Banana Etiquette Court? Like I said, genius and idiotic all wrapped up with a pretty bow: Gediotic.
Once Lucifer has the Idol safely in his pants.... Rule #2: Always stick something of value down your pants... he skips over to his new bestie Candice. Candice, who's sitting on the beach staring out at the ocean trying to get used to the feeling of her own hair blowing in the wind, is wrestling with her own thoughts. She feels so out of control yet so free. It's a feeling, she tells herself, she just might be able to get used to. Just as she's practicing her "smiling" Lucifer trudges over and gives her a look of approval. He's so happy with her transformation that he reaches down in his pants and pulls out a surprise. Candice leans over and peers in close. She takes a sniff and realizes it's the Idol. He's sharing his Idol with her. If that's not a gesture of trust and loyalty, I don't know what is. Lucifer offers up only one phrase, "Stick with me and I'll take you places." Now, the last time a guy opened up his pants and said that to me I was a little suspicious and ended up in the back of a car with Skynyrd blasting out of the speakers, but that's a story for another day. In the world of Survivor a guy opening up his pants is an invitation to join his tribe. Will Candice take the bait? We'll have to wait and see.
Meanwhile, Sandra has taken it upon herself to go and tell the Heroes every last one of the Villains secrets. She's outlining to Colby how every single eviction went down and why. Colby is intrigued and wonders if they'll show Die Hard or Lord Of The Rings at the next Reward Challenge. Rupert grunts himself into the picture and together the masterminds decide that Lucifer must be the next to go.
This brings us to the Immunity Challenge. Survivors have to build a house of cards 10 ft tall out of 150 wooden tiles. If it falls over they have to start all over again. First person to finish wins Immunity. Kind of a lame challenge if you ask me. Must have been the Samoan New Year or something when this was filmed. The Survivor crew was probably hung over and this was the best they could come up with. In the end, it was neck in neck down to the last inch between Lucifer and Jerri and JERRI WINS IMMUNITY!!! Her first time ever. I was happy for her. I've always liked Jerri. And when she said, "I'm swimming in Yay!" I wrote it down and made a mental note to use that phrase sometime in my everyday life.
Lucifer was also pleased Jerri won. As long as it wasn't a Hero, he's happy. After about 10 seconds of deep thought he comes to the conclusion that Galumpy must be the next to go. She resembles Boston Rob and, therefore, she must be sacrificed. Now, I don't see that resemblence at all. I see a resemblence to a tree trunk and maybe to a St. Bernard, but to Boston Rob? Not so much. Who cares anyways? Did you hear what Lucifer just said? He wants to get rid of Galumpy! Grab your gin tumblers, slap on your pasties, and come on over to my place for a bathtub party! Pants optional.
Lucifer relays his plan to his newest troop member: Candice. Candice hears the name "Galumpy", pricks her finger, and signs the "Satanic Survivor Contract" with Lucifer in blood. Boom. Bam. Done. Candice has about as much love for Galumpy as I do which makes me rethink my former hatred of her just a little bit. I quite enjoy watching her come over to the dark side. It's like a coming of age novel for teenage girls. I'm a sucker for them all. Candice's coming of age just took a little longer than normal. Now that she's realized that smiling, boobies, and long flowing hair aren't all that bad maybe she can contribute something valuable to this game... or maybe not.
For some reason, in the middle of both sides preparing for Tribal Council, Sandra tells Candice they're voting out Lucifer, Candice tells Lucifer, then Lucifer runs back and tells Sandra who in turn tells Candice. It was a mindfuck of a sewing circle that made absolutely no sense. Lucifer essentially threw Candice under the bus in front of her former tribe yet Candice didn't hold it against him and was still weighing her options as we went into Tribal Council. Colby, now bedazzling the 'S' on his cape, decides that they'll all switch their vote to Parvati and if something goes wrong at Tribal then it's all Candice's fault and it's a lesson learned. Look you overrated numbskull, you don't wait and see how people vote and then learn a lesson from it. You do a preemptive strike, reorganize, try to beat the liars at their own game. This sitting around and waiting to see what the world will hand you bullshit has got to stop! It's astounding to me that Colby is still around. You know those people who try to play ESP games and they always always always get the answers wrong. It's like they wouldn't know what intuition was if it sat on their faces? That's what Colby is like. Give him a 100 different strategic Survivor scenarios to choose from and he will always always always choose the wrong one.
This brings us to Tribal Council. The jury enters with JT hanging his head in shame. I couldn't tell if he was embarrassed by being voted out or by the shirt he was wearing. Who knows? Probsty wastes no time talking about jumping ship and switching sides. Sandra talks about being on the outside and having no friends to which Lucifer very cleverly plants a seed for everyone to think about next week. He talks about how Sandra is in the perfect position. She's weak, she can't win in the final vote (according to who?), and therefore she's the best person to take to the end. Personally, I think Lucifer is yanking our chain. We all know how he can't stand anyone who's gunning for him and if there's one person in the world who is sure as hell gunning for Lucifer, it's Sandra.
There's some talk about the Idol and how everybody thinks Danielle has it. Parvati talks about being nervous and completely without protection since she gave away her Idols. Everything they're saying is going in one ear and out the other. I'm too nervous for Parvati. How will Candice vote? I can't stand it anymore. Let's get to the votes. If anyone wants to play the Idol, do it now. Lucifer rises all needlessly dramatic like and plays his Idol for himself. Rupert and Galumpy smile to themselves and my heart pounds just a little more. Please let Parvati be safe...
Let's read the votes... GALUMPY, GALUMPY, PARVATI, PARVATI... Lucifer mutters "damn" to himself... GALUMPY, GALUMPY, PARVATI... this time I mutter "damn", GALUMPY... the twelfth person voted out of Survivor Heroes V. Villains is GALUMPY!!!!!!!!!! *glitter falls from sky* Woohoo!!! Damn that was close. Too close. Thank god that bitch is gone. I would have killed myself if she made it to another finale by doing nothing but fidget. Instead, I find myself swimming in yay.
So what did you guys think of last night's episode? Will Parvati separate herself from Lucifer? Will Candice be his new partner in crime? Will Sandra ever convince Rupert of anything? Will Colby ever make a move that matters to anyone? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
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