Nicaragua: Central America's "la tierra de Lagos y Volcanes" (land of lakes and volcanos). I wonder if they make butter that's difficult to spread, but I digress. Settled by the Spanish, taken over by the Mexicans, claimed by Guatamala and the United Kingdom, ravaged by volcanos, and torn apart by earthquakes and revolution, Nicaragua is a volatile yet strangely beautiful country with a rich history and some of the world's most diverse wildlife. Slow ancient turtles roam the beaches while lithe majestic jaguars deftly hunt in the thick and lush rain forest. Spider monkeys offer comic relief while awkwardly bulbous tapirs wallow lazily in mud pits. Long hair, short hair, big bellied, flat bellied... species of all shapes and sizes flock to Nicaragua and call it their home. Lucky for us, twenty new and enchanting suckers (or prey as I like to call them) have made their way to this Carribean hotspot. The Contras and Sandinistas may be long gone, but two new power hungry entitities have now taken their place: the Erik Estradas and the Little Flowers. Let's recap, shall we?
We begin our story with the sun high in the sky, the waves rolling lazily ashore, and twenty Americans swatting at mosquitoes and avoiding menacing branches while making their way through the jungle. One lad, young with a bouffant 'do and a twinkle in his eye exclaims, "There's dangerous animals here. It's like... it's real. There's no fences like the zoo!" His name is Jud and the only dangerous thing he's ever known in his life is the Jungle Cruise ride at Disneyland where a man in a safari outfit and a gun shooting blanks battles not only rhinos, but brazen elephants openly bathing in waterfalls. I shall henceforth refer to Jud as Jughead. "Fabio" somehow seems too kind, too cerebral, too cosmopolitan. Jughead is what happens when conception doesn't exactly go right. Cells try to multiply and grow, neurotransmitters attempt to stimulate neurons, but instead all that happens is delicious raspberry smoothies eek out between the ears and blissful ignornace is born. The human life is a complicated mystery and I'm not saying that Jughead's mom did copious amounts of meth or anything, but maybe she did a touch of the PCP. That's all I'm saying. Jughead, while slow and frustrating, is also innocent and wide-eyed. He's "special" and we must treat him as such.
Jughead and his cohorts, a cast of ne'er-do-wells each salivating on their own for that million dollar prize, size each other up and make their way to our hero, Dimples Probst. Dimples looking fetching in his blue shirt and khaki shorts stands with hands on hips as he gazes into the camera,. We know what's coming. We wait for it every season. With bated breath I placed one hand on my bra strap and the other in a bowl of glitter. Like a chick in a painfully cinched corset my breasts heaved up and down as Dimples delivers the line I've waited months to hear... "39 days, 20 people... ONE Survivor!" The camera zooms out, Dimples become a tiny speck in the distance, a vast ocean of promise fills the screen, and glitter falls from the sky. It never fails. Every season it brings a tear to my eye. I leap off my bed , hurl my bra into the air, and do my Irish cum Salsa gyrations to the "Hay day doh dee doh dee doh's". Ecstasy I tell you. Pure pharmaceutical grade ecstasy.
The Survivors stand on the beach divided into two groups . They assume these are their new families. They've grown comfortable with the strangers standing at their sides and have resigned themselves to sharing a tent with these new pals. Not so fast you chuckleheads... leave it to Dimples to throw a wrench into all you've come to expect out of life. The groups they currently stand in are not their tribes and in a wonderful Nature V. Nurture, Brain V. Brawn, North V. South, the People V. Larry Flynt kind of twist, tribes will be divided in Young V. Old. If you're over 40, you're in the Erik Estradas (technically it's Espada, but the "Erik Estradas" has such a nice ring to it) and if you're under 30, then you're in the Little Flowers (technically La Flor). If you're 35, you're clearly in the wrong place and will be promptly sacrificed in the nearest volcano. In addition to good old fashioned ageism, Dimples is gonna go ahead and throw in a new power. It's called the Medallion Of Power *thunder claps* and, if I'm being completely honest here, it's what I've named my "cucaracha". It's pretty, shiny, and can take you places you've never been before. There, I said it. Survivor's Medallion Of Power may not be the roller coaster of fun that mine is, but it does come with some benefits. Find the Medallion Of Power hidden somewhere on the beach and your tribe will get a huge advantage.
The Survivors scatter like roaches do when the light is turned on. They trudge through water, search through bushes, dig in the sand, and gaze up at impossibly high trees. Eagle-eyed Brenda Lowe, who I'm sure was a great ninja warrior in a past life, spies the dangling necklace from a treetop and like a wiley monkey person she climbs up a precarious branch and descends with the glistening medallion round her neck. The others smile giving her high fives and congratulations while off in a corner somewhere bitter, pinched Alina is wondering what's up with the chick with the limp. Alina doesn't care for limpy people, hell, she doesn't care for pimply people either, but limpy people are what really give her the heeby jeebies. Some old lady with a hip problem once stole her parking spot at the Whole Foods so, yeah, Alina and limps don't exactly mesh.
So, Brenda has won the Medallion for the Little Flowers and now they have a decision to make: Keep the Medallion and get some sort of unknown magical power down the road or give the Medallion to the Erik Estradas and take some flint and fishing gear instead. NaOnka, whom I've renamed Nanook, wants that damn power. I mean, it's pow-er. Power! I don't know about you but I like power. I like to wield it over people, I like to get free things because of it, and I may or not like to rape and pillage small villages in the name of it. "Power is good" is the point I'm trying to make, but the Little Flowers clearly don't share my passion for sweaty toothed dominance and they choose to take the fishing gear instead. Marty and Yve happily take the Medallion from silly little Brenda. They hold it up to the sky, a lightening bolt hits it, and suddenly all of the Erik Estradas end up in capes. It was kinda cool.
And this is where we meet Shannon. Shannon is beefy and has lots of Roman inspired curls matted to his head. He talks in that sneering kind of "I just can't be bothered with this crap" way and, I'm not sure, but I think I might already hate him. Looking at him in his strategically distressed jeans talking about how the Erik Estradas suck with their AARP and fiber challenged intestines makes me wonder what frat he was in and how many pairs of Co-Ed Naked Whatever t-shirts he owns. Look, I'm not even old enough to be an Erik Estrada, but I know a douchebag when I see one and Shannon be thy name. Shannon grunts and says "Those them there old antique people are gonna need that power..." and then he laughed in a Beavis & Butthead way that made me roll my eyes so much they got caught in the upper part of my skull.
The tribes then separate and settle into their new homes. The Erik Estradas are all a twitter whispering and pointing at Jimmy Johnson. "Is it really him?", "I wonder what he's doing here.", "Do you think he brought any Extenze along?". Some members are tickled pink while others like Jimmy T. (nee Sasquatch) are annoyed and ticked off. I say use Jimmy J. to your advantage. He can probably pump everyone up and get them psyched for challenges, he may be good for a few stories, and there's plenty of time to get rid of him down the road. It's too early to hate, Sasquatch. What I want to know is how you managed to survive in the wild so long with those ginormous teeth you have? Aren't they like beacons of light to deadly predators? Are squirrel meat and tree bark enough to sustain you through the winter? I have so many questions and so little time. I say "little time" because your crap attitude and manic ramblings are gonna be your ticket home buddy, but more on that later.
In the trees on a wood gathering sojourn Goat Lady Wendy and Dara Torres (Holly) cross paths. Dara, doing nothing to diffuse the "Is she or isn't she?" debate, embraces Goat Lady and whispers to her how much she likes her. Keep in mind they've only been on the same tribe for, oh I don't know, 3 minutes. The two women make a hasty alliance based on good faith and interesting head wear and promise to be besties for life. Goat Lady is thrilled and shocked all at once. She likes Dara well enough and goat ranching is a lot like swimming - you have to wear silly outfits and keep insane schedules. So Wendy is happy enough. Her husband thinks she'll get kicked off the first day because she runs her trap too much, but she's just happy to be there - weird unplaceable accent and all.
Off in the distance a gentle rumbling begins. It's the Shambo Cloud Of Love delivering me a new princess to adore. She's a self-proclaimed hillbilly with a heart of gold whom I want to take home and place on my mantle. I'd like to push a button on the back of her neck and have her spew out crazy backwoods witticisms. She's delightful, she marches to the beat of her own drummer, and her name is Jane... Jungle Jane. If she's accepting applications for grandchildren, consider mine submitted! Jungle Jane is a go getter and when she gets an idear (yes, I spelled it ideaR) in her head, she's goes after it. Jane wants herself a fire so she snatches someone's glasses, tells the sun to position itself just so, and proceeds to do what took the cavemen eons to accomplish - Jane makes fire in about 30 seconds. Jane's a simple woman who just wants to pay off her ranch and mourn her dead husband. She's worked hard her entire life milking cows, slaughtering pigs, and shoveling horse shit. With that million dollars she could get herself a Roomba and a fancy new hairdo and live happily ever after. Let's get Jane that Roomba. Let's collectively send her sparkly thoughts of pretty goodness. If there's one thing I adore it's a sassy no nonsense ole lady who's been through the ringer. Jane fits the bill and, as of now, she's my new hero.
Over at the Little Flowers homestead it's high-fiving time. A great many minutes will be spent high-fiving. They'll high-five when they wake up in the morning. They'll high-five when they take a tinkle. Hell, they'll high-five just for high-fiving's sake. It's fun to high-five I guess, but when you're wiping your ass with leaves it might not be the most sanitary thing to do. Just sayin'. Now we meet Sash/Matt/Norma (he doesn't know what his name is so let's call him Norma). Norma is all smiles. He can't believe he's on Survivor where the water is crystal clear, the sun beats lusciously on his back, and the girls aren't bad to look at. Well, great Norma, you just described Sandals Negril. Give the waiter your drink order and he'll be right back with your daquiri. Seriously though, I joke with Norma only because I think he's reading this. Norma's real power lies in his magical mystical teeth. Have you seen those things? Girls will throw their tops off and flop on their backs at their sparkly whiteness. Between Norma's teeth and Shannon's curls someone is bound to get pregnant this season... it could be Dimples. Who knows?
As delightful as Norma's teeth might be, I must once again turn my attention to Jughead. Jughead is like so psyched to be there with "his people". He belongs there man. He belongs on that beach and... *trip, stumble, hiccup, fall* Whoopsie daisy! Jughead just fell on his hair and I think he's hurt. Oh nevermind, he just stubbed his toe. Time for a high five! *high five's all around* Dude, that was a close one. So Jughead has his buff on and is clearing leaves and... OUCH!!! *manly blonde squeals* Poor Jughead. A crab has now clamped onto his finger and he doesn't know how to get it off. Should he yank it? Try to smash it with something? Unclip the claws? Oh fiddlesticks, it's too difficult to figure out. Jughead decides to just sit there and scream instead. He'll holler and moan and do a jittery version of the Watusi until the pain subsides. The toe thing and the crab thing were funny and all that, but when Juggy Jughead started haphazardly whacking that machete around, I feared for, not only his life, but the lives of innocent Nicaraguans everywhere. That kid is a danger to society and I think the only way we can assure the world safety is to donate his hair to Locks Of Love and then set him on fire or something. It's harsh, I know, but safety comes first.
While Jughead continues to trip over logs and accidentally hack off Kelly B.'s other leg, Chase and Shannon are in their skivvies making themselves an alliance. They tell each other how smart and strong they are. Clearly, they're a threat to mankind with their strapping strappedness and broad shoulders so, like, yeah, high five it out and let's get a little team going here. It's here that we also discover that one Mr. Shannon isn't too fond of the ladies. Oh sure, they're fine to pork and belittle into eating disorders, but win a million dollars? Nuh uh! No way. No can do. Ladies aren't meant to win Survivor. It's a man's world and a man's game and no vagina is gonna stand in his way. The thought of watching a woman age in marriage is horrifying to Shannon and, please, don't get him started on the chances of having a woman president. Uh Shannon, sweet cheeks, please crawl back to wherever it is you came from, swallow an entire vat of that bug poison you peddle around, and promptly foam at the mouth and die. It's 2010 and us little ladies aren't here to wash your skid marks and have your dinner on the table by 6. We're here to kick your ass and wipe that smug smirk off your ridiculously curly head. *flashes the vagina gang sign*
Speaking of vaginas, it's about time for Hop-A-Long Kelly to make her big reveal. No, it's not beer flavored nipples Shannon, it's the fact that she's missing a leg. *sigh* Yes, her vagina still works Shannon. Jesus, shut up already! Jughead, on the other hand, looks at the metal foot, scratches his head, and asks, "How do you tell it what to do?" Well, Jughead, Kelly B. reserves a quiet table in a corner cafe, buys it a latte, and says, "Hey leg, I'm thinking of going to the market today. Care to help me hop along over there?" And that's how it's done Jughead. She asks and the leg replies. Magic! Most of the tribe is sympathetic and inspired, but Nanook and Shannon are having none of it. That bum leg is Kelly's sympathetic ticket to the million. Better she goes swiftly and in a timely manner. I wonder how they'll react if she tells them her dad died in the earthquake in Haiti. They'll probably jump her and beat her within an inch of her life. High fives all around!
Now we arrive at the Immunity Challenge. The Erik Estradas are all smiles and raring to go after hearing their first Jimmy Johnson "kick their ass" speech and the Little Flowers are nowhere to be found. Then, we hear it. There's a faint, "Ooh ahh, ooh ahh" coming over the mountaintop. Is the Survivor set about to be trampled by indigenous head hunters from the Amazon? No, sadly no. It's just Little Flowers being remarkably douchetastic and reenacting a scene from Bring It On or something. Look, I like cheerleading movies as much as the next gal, but I keep my spirit fingers and Liberties to myself in the privacy of my own room. No need to parade that shit in front of Dimples and look like a tool.
OK so for this challenge teams have to dump creepy colored water down sections of gutter and direct the water into a barrell. Once the barrell fills, puzzle pieces will drop, and the first tribe to complete the puzzle wins immunity. The Erik Estradas also have an opportunity to use my cucuracha... errr, I mean, the Medallion Of Power to give them a one bucket advantage. They decline the offer and decide to save the power for another day. Survivors ready, go!
The Little Flowers get dumping on their urine water (seriously, it was yellow) while the Erik Estradas get going on their toilet blue water. They stay neck in neck for the most part and in a nail biter of an ending when the Little Flowers screw up one of their pieces... LITTLE FLOWERS WIN IMMUNITY!!! Brenda calls the Erik Estradas a bunch of old dummies for not using their power (ok, maybe she didn't use those words, but the sentiment was the same) and the Metamucil crowd begrudgingly head back to their camp.
The big question now is who to send home. Jimmy J. comes right out and says to get rid of the weakest and, in a move I don't entirely understand, he fingers himself as one of the weakest along with the Goat Lady. Sasquatch sees this and sneaks off into the woods to take a nap then snort some meth and ritalin (a killer combo). After his sleepy time and head rush he growled angrily at the sun and then came back hemming and hawing over how the stars blind people and Jimmy J. needs to go. I don't know what Sasquatch's deal is, but his big ole bag of bullshit is growing old very quickly. I don't give two shits if America voted him on this show. Most Americans are public school educated and think the Kardashians are worthy of being famous so what does that tell you?
Let's fast forward to Tribal Council because I'm feeling a little long winded this morning. I can't help it. I'm excited. I finally have something worthwhile to recap so you'll have to forgive my extra paragraphs. OK so we're at Tribal and the flames are flickering, the orange light bathes Dimples in goodness, and we prepare to hear the innermost thoughts of the Erik Estradas. As if I couldn't love Jungle Jane anymore than I already do, she quotes a Dimples article where he said he didn't understand why anyone who didn't know how to make fire would bother coming on Survivor. Jane says she read that article, tattooed it on her ass, and then spent 2 months practicing how to make fire. Dimples is enchanted, I'm lying in my chaise lounge dipping my toes in glitter, and Jungle Jane t-shirts suddenly become a very viable business opportunity. I love this lady! There was a bunch of other chitchat the centered around Jimmy J. Apparently, Sasquatch is unthrilled that he's not the center of attention. He's used to being a leader and doesn't appreciate Jimmy J. telling everyone there's no way he can win this game.
Eventually, talk to turns to Wendy and she's all fired up that no one has asked her her age. Really? That's what bothers you Goat Lady? Look, I like the eccentric types and I can appreciate someone who's a little looney, but you kind of freak me out I think. In an effort to move things along, Dimples tries to get the tribe to vote, but Goat Lady has a few more things to say. It went something like this...
I'm friendly. I'm really nice once you get to know me. I'm strong too. And I'm trustworthy. Yeah, you can trust me. Sometimes people say I talk too much, but that's just part of my niceness. I'm really a kind and loving person, but I'll also work hard, and you know I raise goats for a living and that's not exactly easy. I have to wake up early in the morning, put on my overalls, and smile at them all or else they'll kick me in face. The goats know I'm nice though. I'm pretty sure they think I'm a leader. They know they can trust me just like you can trust me. I want to be here, really I do. I'm strong and fun and I know how to carry wood and things. I can boil water and if you want I'll climb trees and pick you some berries. My feet? No blisters, I swear!Sometimes my husband says I talk too much. His name is Ralph and he works part time as a lumberjack. Do you know how heavy logs are? They're really heavy, but I'm nice and he's nice so it's ok and please keep me on Survivor. It looks like rain. Does anyone wanna borrow my hat? I'll share it with you, really I will...
I have no idea what the hell she was talking about, but it pretty much sealed her fate and Goat Lady Wendy is the first person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua.
So, what did you guys think of the premiere episode? Who are you liking so far? Who's really chapping your ass? How long until Jughead loses a limb? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!