We begin our twisted tale under the cover of night. The crickets are chirping, the monkeys are sleeping, and a weary and exhausted tribe returns without it's spiky haired Svengali. Before we were given proper time to grieve and weep dramatically into pillows, we were confronted with a 14 yr old Asian boy telling us about how he's in charge and how he controls the entire game. Look Karate Kid, you may be good at that one-legged kicking thing, but your "instilling fear in others" and personal humility needs a little work. So while Kobayashi is busy telling us how he'll eat all the hot dogs and rule this tribe with a iron fist, Crazy Pants (Holly) is in her bunk listening to the sweet sounds of Life Coach Clam Shell free radio. It's sort of like Christian Radio only without all the bad rock music and Jesus stuff. It's uplifting and delivers messages of hope. Tonight's broadcast is all about how Crazy Pants is going to win this game. "Take out the prepubescent Asian boy", it says. "Stop him from advancing any further!" With her mission received, Crazy Pants salutes the tiny crustacean and tiptoes over to Jungle Jane's bunk to begin planting the necessary seeds. Jungle Jane doesn't even need a nudge as she's surprisingly receptive to the plan and ready to get Mowgli (Brenda, formerly known as Ninja Warrior) out of this game once and for all. No more Mr. Nice Guy. It's time to slit some throats and watch people squirm. *throws glitter in the air* Hooray! Crazy Pants and Jungle Jane clink their estrogen bottles together and wait until dawn to put their plan into motion.
Back on top of the Earth's crust in the fresh air, we find Crazy Pants staring into the ill-placed fire and preparing to stage her coup. I don't know if it was the pretty orange flames or the clam shell tucked inside her bra, but somehow it's finally dawned on her that even though she didn't have the most illustrious start in this game, she could definitely have a rootin' tootin' hell of a finish with no less than a million smackeroos in her pocket. With this new realization comes a confidence Crazy Pants has never had before. She's standing up a little straighter. She's no longer doing that shifty unsure eye thing she did before. She has purpose now and, strike me dead if I'm lying, but it's growing on me. It's kind of, ummm, charming. I know, I know... this is Crazy Pants we're talking about here! But, you know what? I like the wide determined eyes and the half skip-half walk thing she does when she's excited. She's getting shit done and she speaks with purpose. Can I really hate that? I don't think so.
So anyhow, Crazy Pants pulls Loverboy (Benry) into the woods and tells him point blank, "Sash and Brenda are in total control of everything." Loverboy lets it sink in for a second and then says, "You know what? You're right. They are running everything!" And with that Crazy Pants has another recruit. Boom. Bam. Done. Onto the next victim... Rainbow Brite (Chase). Rainbow Brite doesn't like these overcast days. They make his hair frizz and his petticoats hang limply. So when Crazy Pants approaches him, she doesn't find him in exactly the best of moods. With no fuss or muss Crazy Pants says, "Brenda is the ringleader!" Rainbow Brite can only stare into the trees and furiously fan himself in response. Mowgli was his first true love! How can he turn away from her and be a part of her demise? He decides he can't so he suggests they get rid of Loverboy instead. Crazy Pants shakes her head defiantly and says, "I think you're wrong." She whips out the notepad in her pocket and writes in thick child-like scrawl, "Chase=not good. Keeps eyes on him." She puts the notepad back her in pocket and without turning her back to Rainbow Brite, slowly steps away.
Norma starts off the conversation talking about how alliances are being reshuffled and for the first time ever he's out of the loop. Mowgli chimes in and says she regrets the last vote. The clean cut gentleman on the bench smiled and nodded and that's when I saw it... the evil glint! It was faint, but it's still there. By God, it's still there. Mowgli starts talking about trust and all I'm thinking is "shut up shut up shut up shut up". The lazy voice, the unflinching forehead, the smug little look of superiority... I'm over it. My only regret is not changing her name to Mowgli sooner.
Then we get to the best part of Tribal Council ever. Dimples asks Insignificant Kelly to weigh in with her twenty years of experience. This was Kelly's reply, "Um, me? Yeah so ok, experience. I think that, well, ok, I think that... this is all... I feel out of the loop. Yeah, loop. Completely! My wheels are turning. The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus go round and round all through the town. Game plan... I'm like... It's so enlightening! Really!" Then she collapsed into a pile of dust and a breeze carried her away. *waves* Bye Insignificant Kelly. Thanks for chiming in.
Dimples rolled his eyes, wiped the dust off his face, and then asked Mowgli if she scrambled at all or even gave the faintest glimpse of an idea that she was trying to stay in the game. Mowgli goes into her whole "scrambling is a sign of desperation" speech and again I thought, "shut up shut up shut up shut up". A stunned Dimples asks, "Is scrambling beneath you?" I chuckled to myself, snorted some gin out my nose and chortled, "Good one Dimples!"
OK so everyone votes and it's Idol time. Dimples asks for it and all eyes were on Norma. Every. Single. Person. Stared. At. Norma... even Mowgli! With my heart in my throat and a gin coolie in my hand, I waited... and waited... and waited. Norma doesn't give it to Mowgli! He just sits there! It was bee-you-tee-full! Thank you Norma! You're back in my good graces again. So yeah, the Asian boy went home and Mowgli is the 11th person voted out and the 3rd member of the Jury.
So, what did you guys think last night? Are your loyalties all screwed up like mine are? Could Crazy Pants actually win this thing? Does a Jughead, Crazy Pants, Nanook finale actually sound not so bad? Were you also worried about Life Coach Clam Shell in that fire (say yes)? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
Next week is a recap episode and Thanksgiving so no blog until two weeks from today. Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Travel safe and stuff yourselves silly. If you've enjoyed what I've done here so far this season, please click on my PayPal button on the right hand side of the page and show your girl some love. Thanks bitches!
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