Jane is the one exception. She kind of marches to her own herky jerky drummer. It's a jaunty tune that tells her when the catfish are swimming and where evil is lurking. Today, it told her that evil was right around the corner. It was wearing a blue shirt, had eyebrows the shape of boomerangs, and licked it's lips at the thought of Jane's loose skin as his new area rug. Spike be thy name. *thunder claps* Jane knows deep down in her soul that Spike was sent adrift on a river of boiling blood as an infant and raised by some sort of winged dogs. She can see it in the yellow of his eyes. She doesn't trust men raised by mythical beasts. Never have, never will. So while Jane is busy plotting how to plunge a stake into Spike's heart, Spike is uncharacteristically out on the beach collecting seashells and making sand castles. Oh my god... He forgot his goddamn pitchfork back at the Reward Challenge! If I've told him once, I've told him a thousand times: Put your pitchfork in your pitchfork cozy and strap that bitch to your back! *throws hands in air*
Back at Lichtenstein, Benry and Jughead are going over Spike's plan wondering if it's really going to work. Benry grunts occasionally, shifts side to side, and once in a while looks up from the same spot on the ground he's always staring at. Seriously, someone please tell me when this guy gets a personality. I have yet to give him a nickname because I have ZERO to work with. All he ever does is wipe his brow and readjust his Loverboy headband. *pause* Don't even think about it. No way in hell I'm calling him Loverboy. *pause again* Damn. "Loverboy" is pretty good, isn't it? I just don't want any of my lovely readers thinking me calling Benry "Loverboy" is a term of endearment or anything. It's simply a reference to a douchey 80's band where the lead singer wore a ginormously awkward headband. Nothing more.
OK so anyhow they're talking about how they'll lay low and make it seem like they're voting for Nanook yadda yadda yadda. Then, I hear it. Jughead lifts his head, brushes aside his golden locks and says, "I hate playing stupid so much!" I think Uranus fell out of the sky at that precise moment. I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure I heard something crashing all around me. I just assumed it was cosmic, but it could have very well been all the angels in heaven suddenly plunging to their deaths. Sure, Jughead has grown on me and he's quite a likable guy, but I refuse to believe he's got a PhD hanging on the wall of his surfer's hut back home. Did the planets align last night or something like in Tomb Raider? When Jughead fancies himself a "brain" and Spike is out somewhere picking daisies because he's let his guard down, something on a very grand scale is going down. Maybe it's that Mayan 2012 thing. Perhaps it just wants to beat the holiday rush and get started already. I mean, should I be stocking up on wine and Twix? If it's my time to leave this world, I plan on doing it with a buzz and a cookie crunch. Just sayin'.
Further inside camp, Mafia Dan and Spike are confronting Rainbow Brite. They attach electrodes to his nipples and demand to know how he's going to vote. Rainbow Brite looks doe-eyed and doesn't know what to say. Spike asks R.B. if he was the coach of a Curling team and someone on one team stole eskimo pies from the other team and shoved them down her bikini, would he still want to play that team in the Winter Olympics? I can kind of see the point Spike was trying to make (he's trying to say how fucked up it is to keep a thief like Nanook in the tribe), but he made one very grave error. The way to Rainbow Brite's intellect is not through sports. It's through matters of the heart. Love, poetry, country songs... you know? All that crap. Had Spike quoted John Mellencamp for instance - Hold on to 16 as long as you can/Changes come around real soon/Make us women and men - he might have gotten somewhere. Instead Rainbow Brite's eyes glazed over and he ran to tell his sorority sisters about how he thinks Jane is the real target.
Up to this point I've avoided discussing a new gruesome twosome. Of course, I'm talking about Norma and Ninja Warrior. I've had a little soft spot for Norma all season long and I've forgiven him his minimal transgressions, but I've never cared for Ninja Warrior. However, together, they make me want to kick old ladies in the ovaries. If they were out and out hardcore villains who were fearsome things to behold, I could maybe forgive their arrogance and their delusions that they're in control of everything. Just because they happened to be the swing votes this week, doesn't mean they'll be the swing votes every week. Furthermore, I think luck- rather than intellect - has helped them out more than anything else. When I see them telling us how they're in charge, how they hold all the cards, how everyone will do what they say, I literally cringe. Let's get real here, not one person is genuinely scared of Norma. Neither of them are beasts in challenges. They're certainly not as likable as Jughead or Jane. To me, they're like that ugly girl at the party who thinks she's hot. You wonder where the hell she got all that self confidence while you simultaneously laugh at her under your breath. Norma needs to shake Ninja Warrior loose pronto.
OK so going into Tribal Council, the gruesome twosome agree to keep Spike. He's trustworthy and he tells them shit. Let me repeat that before I go on: THE GRUESOME TWOSOME AGREE TO KEEP SPIKE. *deep breath* The wheels are in motion. Everyone has agreed. Norma, his teeth, Ninja Warrior, her ego, Mafia Dan, Loverboy, and Jughead are all supposed to vote out Jane. And now we arrive at the fuckery...
We're at Tribal Council and Alligator Lady Alina walks in all buffed, blow-dryed, and powdered. Loverboy looks at her likes she's a succulent veal chop and Ninja Warrior puts on her biggest fakest "Vote for me bitch" smile. *pause* OK. let's begin.
Dimples dives into talk about the Reward Challenge and Jane mumbles something or other about needing Boniva. Norma admits to some male bonding and Jughead accuses the females of not only bonding but also inducting Rainbow Brite into their club. Rainbow Brite pinches his own cheeks (for color of course) and tries to get used to the Spanx he's now wearing.
Spike then speaks up saying he regrets nothing from last Tribal Council. Jane is a threat. Deal with it. Ninja Warrior agrees and I sat back giggling to myself. My joy grew exponentially as the focus turned to Nanook and how she's a no good trifling disgusting thief. No one likes her, she'd steal a used piece of dental floss if she had the chance, and she has the mental capacity of a 3 year old. Actually, that's being generous. My niece is 3 and she'd never stick a salami down her pants. So anyhow, Jughead and Spike join in the Nanook Hate Parade and I'm as happy as can be. FINALLY, the universe will make sense again. Thieves will be punished, intelligence will be rewarded, and great fantastical bloggers will be New York Times bestsellers. It's peaches and cream, chocolate and peanut butter, Chardonnay and Xanax, velvet and glitter. The heavens are smiling down on me and I'm smiling back up to them. *waves* Heyyy, what's up all you beautiful people?
I check back into Tribal Council just in time to hear Nanook say, "I'm not perfect. I'm a humanitarian. I screw up." *boisterous laughter* Oh, you idiot. If you're a humanitarian, then I'm a pretty pink flamingo who poops Swarovski crystals. Somehow it's escaped the vacuum inside Nanook's head that humanitarians actually do good for society. I don't know about you, but I haven't met a humanitarian yet who stuck peanuts in her bra and hid a bag of flour in the dirt. Those humanitarians must be saving babies in Ethiopia, rescuing Cambodian sex slaves, and trying to stop the genocide in Darfur because I surely haven't seen any around here. Yes, that must be it. The thieving do-gooding humanitarians like Nanook must be busy elsewhere. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure Angelina Jolie stuffed a Bosnian sausage down her bra the other day. You're right Nanook. You are a humanitarian. *applauds*
The verbal diarrhea continues and now Nanook is criticizing Spike's hair. Oh hell no! Those evil tendrils hold secrets - beautiful dark secrets about how to make your ex impotent and how to give your worst enemy a nasty case of Mange. Also, let's just pause and reflect for a second on how Nanook with that thing on her head filled with stolen mayonnaise and jello dares to criticize another person's hair. Ridonkulous! Ridonkulous.
Goddammit I'm getting so mad. I've been furious typing this entire thing today. Injustice makes me angry and I'm just putting off the inevitable.
I know you guys want to hear me say it, but with every fiber of my being I'm fighting it. I don't want to say that the only person I was rooting for went home. I don't want to tell you how I hurled myself on the ground and with angry fists I punched my way to China. I refuse to tell you how I sat in the dark like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and flickered my lamp off and on all night. I won't say it and you can't make me!
*deep breath* It is with great regret and a handful of prescription pills that I inform you that by some twisted freak accident Marty/Spike is the tenth person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua and the second member of our Jury. *weeps*
And, get this, today is Spike's birthday. *wails and shatters her fine crystal against the wall*
Alright, so what did you think about last night? How the fuck is Nanook still in this game? Why did Norma and Ninja Warrior go back on their word? Who the hell am I supposed to root for now? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! And please DO NOT post spoilers in my comments. Thanks.