Monday, December 20, 2010

Dumber Than A Bag Of Hammers

Nicaragua. Beautiful, lush and unforgiving. We've all made Nicaragua our home for the past several months and now it's time to say goodbye. We'll look back on our time there as a period in our lives where we smacked ourselves a lot. Blunt quick slap upon slap upon slap delivered by our own hands to our own foreheads. Resignation, exasperation, frustration, rhythm nation... It wasn't the best of Survivors, but we made the most of it. We breathed life into clam shells, studied the multiple personalities of a petty thief, envied the flounce of one's petticoats, and stuck pencils in our ears whenever a certain someone cackled. Our journey has been long and arduous, but we made it. By God, we made it. Now we're free to get on with our lives... until we have to do it all over again in February. Let's recap, shall we?

We begin our final chapter at Leptospirosis (Libertad). Mafia Dan gasped and sputtered as he chiseled a tiny little indentation into a crispy tree and announced, "Day 37!". 37 days. 37 whole days. It's all come down to this moment for Jughead (Jud) as he realizes that, from here on out, he has no choice but to win everything. Strategically however, he decides to simply play it cool. That's been his M.O. all along - have fun, hang out, and play it cool. So, playing it cool, he saunters up to Crazy Pants (Holly) and asks, "You wanna go to the Final 3 with me?" Dan gurgles out, "What about me?" Crazy Pants looks at the ground, gestures to the air, and burps, "Heh". Without Life Coach Clam Shell in her pocket, she just can't string the words together anymore to make sentences. Instead she's all airy gestures, wide eyes, and pursed lips. You see, a few days ago when Crazy Pants' very large husband was crushing her with gropes and tongue kisses he smashed the delicate bivalve nestled in the supposed safety of a deep pocket into teeny tiny little shards of uselessness. Had you listened closely at the time you would have heard a small "Yelp!". Never will we hear his words of wisdom, watch his jaunty walk, or laugh at his off-color jokes. Life Coach Clam Shell was the smartest player Survivor has ever known and now he's gone. To Crazy Pants' Scarecrow, Life Coach Clam Shell was the Wizard Of Oz. When you take away that gift of reason and logic, all you're left with is a mop of curly hair and an annoying accent. A moment of silence please for Life Coach Clam Shell.

This brings us to the first Immunity Challenge of the night where Rainbow Brite (Chase) and Norma (Sash) are sure their foolproof plan to get rid of Jughead will, once and for all, come to fruition. The only plan these two yukyuks can succeed at is being inducted into the Most Annoying Survivor Players Of All Time Hall Of Fame, but I digress. OK so Survivors have to race out to a trivia question about Nicaragua, select an answer, retrieve the corresponding bag to that answer and return to the start. If they pick the right answer, the bag will contain puzzle pieces inside. If not, then the bag will have lumps of coal and we'll have 6 more weeks of winter... or something like that. The first person to get all three bags and finish the puzzle wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go! The course is rainy and slippery so of course Mafia Dan's limbs fall off one by one and that's the end of him. Everyone else gets their first question right. On the second question, Jughead gets it wrong and one of Rainbow Brite's puzzle pieces commits puzzle piece suicide by leaping off the puzzle table. I think it heard his new song. With Jughead in last place and Mafia Dan flailing in the mud, it's not looking good for the likable guys. Thankfully, Norma isn't as smart as he thinks he is, Crazy Pants is useless without her Clam Shell, and Rainbow Brite's album sucks because... JUGHEAD WINS IMMUNITY!!! *throws glitter in the air*

Back at Leviathan, Jughead is basking in the glow of his victory while Rainbow Brite begins his push to get Mafia Dan out. Jughead isn't so sure he likes that plan as Dan hasn't done anything worthwhile the entire game. He's the sort of guy you want to take to the end - lazy, useless, not liked by everyone. Here's the best part: Rainbow Brite actually agrees with this logic. He told us he agreed with it! The only thing is that his fragile crystalline feelings deep down inside will be tarnished forever if he turns on Crazy Pants. Sure, she's the bigger threat, but but but... he just doesn't feel right turning on her now - you know, now, when a million dollars is within arm's reach. Yeah, now's definitely not the right time to make a power move Rainbow Brite. Let's wait until later. Let's wait until you're knocking on North Carolina's doors begging to get back in. That's a swell idea.

Jughead then tries to convince Norma that keeping Crazy Pants in this game isn't the best of ideas. Mafia Dan outlines how Crazy Pants is a little girl from a struggling farm in a small town in West Dakota (I can't remember if she's from North or South so West will have to do) who made a huge turnaround in the game and is a mother figure to a whole lot of peeps out there. Someone like that is someone you don't want next to you on the Jury. Someone like that is a someone whose dreams you want to crush... kind of like a clam shell! *collapses in tears* That was the whole reasoning in getting Jane out. One would think it would apply to Crazy Pants too. Norma says he can see Jughead and Dan's point, but who knows? Norma's whole strategy is to simply tell people what they want to hear. The problem with that is eventually everyone catches on and no one trusts you anymore. Being phony once or twice isn't a big deal, but being phony for 37 days straight is a bit like the little boy who cried wolf. After a while, no one takes anything you say seriously and that's exactly what's happening with Norma. No one takes him seriously. Not one person. None. Nein. Zilch. Niet. Nada. Non. Bobo. Yes, Bobo. That's how you say no in Cameroon. *puts on RuPaul voice* Cam-a-ROON! Isn't that the best? I think it's divine and I'll henceforth use 'Bobo' as my universal 'No'.

Whoosh! Skwee! Kerplunk! We've landed ourselves at the first Tribal Council of the evening. Dimples brings out the Jury and there's a woman of ill repute on it. I thought to myself, "Uh oh, one of Dimples' concubines must have wandered onto the set." but, bobo, it was Jane. Jane! Eyeshadow going all the way up to her scalp, fuschia lipstick applied all wiggedy whack, some dangly fiberglass earrings swaying in the breeze... uh, ok, I guess this is how Jane dresses for important events. *cough* $2 hooker *cough* It's like when you're 15 and your mom finally lets you wear make-up. Sure, I did the blue eyeliner thing, but at least I had the temerity to end my eyeshadow at my eyebrows and not all the way up and over and on the back of my neck. As far as her hair goes, well, she must have washed it in marshmallows because it was light and fluffy and, yeah, I wouldn't mind roasting it over an open fire.

Dimples asks Jughead how he feels wearing that necklace again. Dude, he's stoked man. He's like totally pumped! Jughead tell us that now it's important to consider who's on the Jury and who you want next to you at the end. Mafia Dan jumps in, whips out a stack of hundreds, and says no one will vote for him to win this game. He already has the dream life (of Ferraris and whizzing bullets) so no one in their right mind would vote to give him the million. Dream life or not, I'm a firm believer that it shouldn't matter what your background is when it comes to winning reality shows. Survivor isn't a charity and it drives me crazy when people think it is. Mafia Dan shouldn't win not because he has money. He shouldn't win because all he did was lie in a hut and burble at challenges.

Mafia Dan continues and tells us that Crazy Pants is the real threat not him. Crazy Pants feigns surprise, crinkles her forehead, and in that grating voice of hers asks, "Why am I a threat?!" Dan runs down his list again... lady, farm, East Dakota, small town, family, blah blah blah. The Jury cracks up while Crazy Pants merely scoffs. In her infinite clamless wisdom she then decides to outline the type of player you don't want to go up against in the final. To make a long story short, she describes herself which is pretty much the exact opposite of Dan. Dimples again takes out his markers and poster board. Since his complicated diagrams were ignored last week, he decides to write one simple idiot proof sentence... VOTE HOLLY OUT!!! He's shoving that bitch in everyone's faces but they stare into the night completely oblivious as Mafia Dan is the 14th person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua and the 8th member of the Jury. *sigh* That was a dumb vote.

Back at Ludacris the final four are generally in good spirits. Norma who has an alliance with everyone including that tree over there and that one over there is doing his "We made it guys! Let's just have fun tomorrow." shtick. Jughead, on the other hand, is all game. He stares into the fire knowing he has to win another Immunity Challenge. The more Norma talks, the more Jughead knows he can't be trusted. Jughead has to do this all on his own... like he's been doing for the past several eliminations. He's flying solo and weaving in and out of every obstacle put before him. I don't know if it's dumb luck or such a pure primal urge to win that it's actually manifesting itself into a reality. That's the power of The Secret right there. Actually, I doubt Jughead has read The Secret. I'm thinking his book shelves are lined with Archie Comics and back issues of Cracked. I don't even think he has Playboys under his mattress. He's too goofy to be sexual.

Norma sits in a corner and massages his own hands while licking his teeth all creepy like as he muses how everyone left will take him to final three. I've got to be honest here, I was a little bit worried in that moment. The editing has been so wonky that it's impossible to know how that Jury really views Norma. It's not like they talk about him at Ponderosa a whole lot - at least not that we've seen. He's sort of a mole on the butt of Survivor. He just there. He doesn't really serve a purpose and getting him surgically removed becomes more and more appealing each and every day. When Rainbow Brite and Crazy Pants review how the votes could possibly go, they assume my beloved Spike (Marty), Loverboy Benry, Insignificant Kelly and Nanook could vote Norma to win. Rainbow Brite stops to bite his lip as he counts and recounts those votes. He doesn't like those odds and I have in my notes, "Are you just thinking about this now jungle tits?!" How someone can be shocked at Day 38 is beyond me. I would have been going over those votes ever since the Merge, but than again I'm smarter than Rainbow Brite. Well, ok, maybe not, but I'm definitely better looking and that's all that really matters anyways. Duh.

Then we get to that boring In Memoriam part where they lie and recap about how "great" everyone was. Crazy Pants thinks she's been given some sort of royal mission and a responsibility ordained by god. Oh shut the fuck up and just get on with it. I mean, let's be honest here, all the In Memoriam really is is a look back at all my fabulous nicknames! Without further ado... Goat Lady, Shannon from Douchebaggerville, Coach Jimmy J., Sasquatch, T-Bone, Hop Along, Yve, Secret Agent Jill, Alligator Lady, Spike, Ninja Warrior/Mowgli, Nanook, Insignificant Kelly, Loverboy, Jungle Jane, and Mafia Dan. Ta-da!

Now we arrive at the second Immunity Challenge of the night. As far as I was concerned Jughead had to win or I was turning off my television. I'm very mature like that. As Survivor is often wont to do, the final challenge is an Endurance Challenge. Oh yeah! Actually, maybe it is a good idea Jane is gone. She kinda rocked those Endurance Challenges. Told ya I wasn't very smart. OK so for this challenge Survivors had to balance a sword on a shield with one hand while stacking coins on the sword handle with the other hand. Survivors ready, go! It takes several rounds before we get our first fatality which is Crazy Pants. Rainbow Brite, who kept craning his neck to spy on Jughead's sword (that sounded dirty), goes second and we're now left with Norma and Jughead. The camera zoomed in on Jughead's stack swaying in the wind. You know those floaty things you see outside of car washes and furniture stores that go crazy in the wind? Well, that's what Jughead's stack was like. It was Cat In The Hat with all the plates. It was horrifying. My god, the anxiety! I couldn't look. I covered my face with my hands and muttered, "Normasucks Normasucks Normasucks Normasucks". And you know what? Norma does suck because JUGHEAD WINS IMMUNITY!!!!!!!!!!! *flings bra overhead* Ah-mazing!

The troops return to camp and all the monkeys in the trees are now in a celebratory mood. They throw some poo at Norma while pointing and laughing at Rainbow Brite. The best part though was Jughead finally finding his confidence along with a deliciously evil urge to toy with all those who were about to kiss his ass. I was proud of Jughead in that moment. Watching Norma stammer and plant one on Jughead's butt cheeks was like watching a baby being born. It was beautiful yet really gross and nauseating all at the same time. A desperate Norma is a funny Norma. Angry Jane you want to rent for your parties. Desperate Norma you want to put on your mantle and throw empty soda cans at. When he told Jughead, "You're my best friend in this game." I just shook my head and mumbled, "Give it a rest already." It's always the delusionally cocky ones who crumble to their knees when all their resources are tapped out.

After Norma and Rainbow Brite spent the day throwing one another under the bus, we arrive at our second Tribal Council. Before it even begins, Jughead is bursting into giggles. It impossible for Jughead to hide how he's feeling which makes him not only likable but trustworthy. You look at Jughead and you just know that chances are he's not lying to you when he tells you stuff. He doesn't have a duplicitous scheming mind full of advance chess moves and algorithms. He just wants to win challenges and get votes.

For some reason, Jughead's main concern is whether or not the others would have taken him to the final had they won. It seemed like a silly thing to be preoccupied with because of course they wouldn't have taken him, but watching Jughead tell Norma he saw through his pathetic pleas made it all worthwhile. One second Norma was smiling confident he was in the final and the next second his lips sat in a thin line as he stared off into the trees. Whenever Norma hears something he doesn't like he stares off into the distance. I think he's afraid to make eye contact. That, or he's taking up bird watching. I don't know.

So, after some yadda yadda yadda-ing from Norma where the entire Jury is rolling their eyes and laughing at him, Crazy Pants is the 15th person voted out and the final member of the Jury. I'm ok with this vote because Crazy Pants would have been a definite threat to Jughead. Norma, on the other hand, should have just gotten up and quit right there. After seeing how the Jury was repulsed by him I knew he had no chance in hell of winning and that, my dear readers, made my little heart soar.

Let me explain something here: You know how Norma lied to the everyone on the show to get what he wanted? Well, he did that to me too. The second I stopped giving him exactly what he wanted is the second he disappeared. Did you know he contacted me before the season even started? He kissed my ass to get a good write up and the one time I gave him what amounted to not even really being a criticism, he dropped me and revoked all support. Now, I hear from lot of reality people throughout the year and I have to say that his behavior was a first for me. He's a slimy guy on camera and off. I know he used me and that's my mistake, but his mistake was in pissing me off. Fran Lebowitz once said, "I absolutely believe in revenge and if you have the opportunity, take it!" Thanks Fran. I'll do that. Let's continue, shall we?

OK so we have our final three and it's Jughead, Rainbow Brite and Norma. It's a final three I don't think anyone could have ever imagined. If you would have told me week 2 that's this is how the season would have ended up I would have laughed in your face and called you a douchenozzle. But, here we are on the verge of an incredible final Tribal Council. Let's do this!

Each person is given the opportunity to say their piece. Rainbow Brite, talking like he's got a big hunk of chewing tobacco in his mouth, tells everyone to bring on the questions because he's not wishy-washy. I think he said "Bring it on!" about twelve times. OK Kirsten Dunst. Whatever you say. Jughead says he never backstabbed anyone and deserves a million dollars because he thinks it would be a lot of fun. Norma says "Outwit, outplay, outlast" and then he ate his own face with those giant glow in the dark teeth of his. Dimples watches in horror and then gives the Jury their chance to address the finalists.

Mowgli (Brenda) is up first and she wastes no time laying into Norma. She calls him out for making 800 alliances, breaking them all, and then expecting votes from them. Norma interrupts her and I was surprised she didn't tell him to shut up. That's what I would have done. She then turns her attention to Rainbow Brite and tells him she had an emotional attachment to him. It was creepy and made me feel all oogy inside. The idea of anyone being emotionally attached to Rainbow Brite makes me question all that I know to be holy in the world.

*drumroll* Superstar Spike is up and he's gracious and congratulatory and kind and I was like, "Who the hell is this guy?!" Then... then he asks Rainbow Brite a question. It went something like this: "Survivor Nicaragua. There's gonna be a Dumber Than A Bag Of Hammers Award, ok? You have to pick somebody to give it to. It can be one of you three or someone on the Jury. The only caveat is obviously I'm not eligible." *giggles* Jughead falls over in a fit of laughter, Norma is just happy the heat is off of him, and Rainbow Brite stammers out something like, "Well obviously... duh uh duh... it should be... ummm not us... I don't like your question. I call B.S." Then R.B. turns to Dimples and actually asks him if he has to answer the question! *hits floor with hand like that Tickle Me Elmo doll* Dimples gives him a sideways glare and I died. Spike then turns to Norma and I'm already crying again from laughing so hard. He says to Norma, "Sash, you're a cerebral player. Oh Chase, cerebral means 'smart'." *wipes tears from eyes* Dying. Dy-ing! My man Spike came through and just cemented his place in a future All Stars. That was beyond amazing. The best part though were the tweets I got saying "Maybe Colette Lala was right all along about Spike." Darn tootin' I was right you freaks! Spike has been my number one supporter throughout the season and, clearly, it takes one genius to recognize another. Thanks Spike. You rock.

Crazy Pants is up next but Spike is a tough act to follow. She asks some question about game and strategy. Boring boring boring. She's just not the same without Life Coach Clam Shell.

Jungle Jane takes her turn and she's out for blood. She tells Norma his mother raised him good to be a river rat. *bites fist* And then... and then!... she tells him to go back to NYC and crawl back into the black hole he came out of. *clutches sides* To rent Angry Jane for your next Bar Mitzvah, call 1-800-HILLBILLY. She asks the other guys questions too, but it's about giving money to charities and that just bores me to tears. I'll tell you all right now - if I ever win a million dollars I'm giving it all to just one charity. It's called The Justification Of The Beautification Of The Colette Lala. It's basically a scholarship fund for my ass to move to Montevideo or Helsinki - somewhere with a funny name - where I'll spend my days either in a bikini or a Snuggie drinking and my nights hunting for the Talamasca.

Loverboy Benry was pleasantly surprising. He told Rainbow Brite to shut up, called Norma a phony, and congratulated Jughead. Short, sweet, simple.

Mafia Dan gets a turn and I now know for a fact that an untimely hit will take Norma out one night when he's walking home from one of his many many lays with random supermodels. Dan was PISSED! I could see the instruments of torture in the glint of his eyes. When he was done murdering Norma and telling him to get his eye fixed *giggles* he laid into Rainbow Brite blaming him for making everybody bleed. Where was this Dan all season long?! Again, I would have loooooved Evil Dan! I want to cut paper thin slices of garlic with a razor blade with Evil Dan. I want to drink Chianti and set nightclubs on fire with him. Now, there's a guy who can party!

Next up is Insignificant Kelly and she says... You know what? I'm going to do what Survivor should have done and not give her a platform. Same thing goes for Nanook. Quitters don't deserve anymore of my time.

Last up is Alligator Lady Alina. Oh Alina. Alina is getting hyphenated today because she's in trouble. A-lina! What were you thinking? My sister has a theory that A-lina! is still harboring resentment from when Jughead sided with Spike way back in the beginning of the Merge. I don't know if my sister is right, but A-lina! said she wanted a man to win and not a little boy. And then she promptly went and voted for Rainbow Brite. *smacks self in head* A-lina! No no no no! Unacceptable! I think the Alligator Lady was smoking some Nicaraguan peyote back at Ponderosa. That's the only reasoning I can come up with.

We magically fast forward through time and now we're in a studio in California for the big reading of the votes. Jughead got a bad haircut, Rainbow Brite looked odd and grey, and Norma was either bloated or wearing a bulletproof vest underneath his coat and tie. Let's read the votes... FABIO *yes!*... CHASE *no!*... FABIO *woohoo!*... CHASE *gasp*... CHASE *what?!?*... CHASE *searches house for razor blades*... FABIO... *thank god*.... FABIO *tinkle*... FABIO IS THE WINNER OF SURVIVOR NICARAGUA!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK that vote was entirely too close for comfort. There was a point when all the blood drained from my face and I thought I was going to have to announce Chase as the winner. I'd sooner stick my head in an oven. Then again, Sash got ZERO votes. Zero. Z-E-R-O. That's enough to make me want to live forever.

Soooo what did you guys think of last night? What do you think of your winner? What did you think of the season? How great was it that Sash didn't get one single vote? HAHA! Want to come to my house for a Chase Rice record burning party? Comment it out bitches and have a great holiday season and a happy new year!!!

Thank you so much to each and every one of you who came back every week to read my drivel. Super special thanks to Spike and Alina for being lovely, hilarious, and so supportive. I will definitely be back in February for Survivor Redemption Island. Are you kidding me? I wouldn't miss it for the world. If you guys have enjoyed what I've done here this season, please click on my PayPal button on the upper right hand side and show your girl some love. Thanks again everyone and I'll see you in the new year!


  1. Ah yes: The Bitchy Blog! Thank you. As I'm starting to read this, I just poured myself yet another Hendricks Martini which also has a "bag of hammers" quality to it, don't you think?

  2. Great blog, loved every word of it. You have a gift and all your readers should be thankful you.

  3. dear lala...thank you for a fabulous year of reality are fantastic and i appreciate your dedication to the insanity...i was so excited that norma did not get one-single-vote...i guess he is a legend in his own mind...for someone who was running the show, something, somewhere went terribly wrong..or very, very right....i found the reunion show a little was a "homage" to jimmy j(whom i liked)but thought enough was enough...too much time with non-sense w/fabio...and not enough chastizing the quitters...and i also found it Ah-mazing that dimples didnt ask norma one single question...maybe jeffy-poo didnt recognize him:)..also, too much time w/nanook's mother and not nearly enough time calling people out on their shit...all in all...great ending to a sub-par installment...i wish they would put the ponderosa clips on tv extra editting needed...a perfect 30 minute show on friday nights...i'd dvr that, wouldnt you? anyway..thanks for all that is lala..and have a bitchy, hugs and kisses to you

  4. Couldn't wait to read today's blog. It didn't disappoint.

    So I didn't expect much after the lousy season. I wasn't even going to watch. So glad I did. The finale was GREAT! My MAN won! Yay Jud! Norma got NO votes! Woohoo! I'm so happy! Finally, something went my way on Survivor! Lala, I'm so there for the record burning party. That singing went on way too long, I had to hit the mute button!

    Agree with your decision not to give voice to the quitters. Not happy that Jeff had to acknowledge they were even at the finale.

    Can't wait to see Spike again on All Stars!

    Love your blog!

  5. What post made Norma douche out on you? That's seriously trivial, no matter what it is you said. You are the most bad-ass blogger ever, and now that he is shammed with a 0 vote count from the Jury, your blog should be his life accomplishment!

    I loved Spike, and PRAY he gets another season to make his mark. Also hilarious that NaOnka voted for Fabio to win. He said in an interview that Alina and Brenda were giving Chase pity votes....I don't know about Alina with that, but whatever. I was just glad such a likable person won. I think Fabio is a lot smarter than he lets on, and he definitely deserves it. In an odd turn of fate, however, he only won because of the two votes from the two quitters. Had they not been there, would Chase have won, or would Brenda and Alina's votes swayed? Who knows?

    The only other note-worthy thing is actually a question I have. Brenda revealed that she had started planning a hit on Norma, and that was the real reason he voted against her. So...why do you think production cut that? Who were they trying to make look good/bad with such an important cut? Just curious what others think.

    Can't wait till February, when Redemption Island brings back the swine already cast off. Love you, Lala!

  6. I find you to be so right on target with your comments and love your names...husband thinks I'm playing with a short deck when I scream out "I hate you Norma" and procede to *shake fist at sky*
    Left a little LOVE for you, just to tempt you back for next season. If you really like to watch reality tv players cry you should check out Biggest son calls it Fat People Whining!

  7. This Nicaraguan newbie enjoyed the season a LOT, specially because of your blog. Totally agreed with you on your profiling of Spike, Scary Jane, Rainbow Brite and pretty much everyone. I'm also elated that Fabio won.

    Now, since you have a red telephone connecting you to all castaways...can you send word to Fabio NOT to fall for any publicity stunts from the Nicaraguan government? It might be a rumor, but word around the rainforest is that he might donate something to local charity and they want to make a media circus out of it. This is a corrupt regime, known to steal elections, undermine democratic institutions to get perpetual re election for the president, suppress civil liberties, sell out women's rights for votes (a "socialist" government that outlaws therapeutic abortion?)....I could go on an on...Forget Libertad. My tribe is the one feeling the heat.

    So, if Fabio wants to help poor people in Nicaragua, that'd be awesome. I just hope they don't take advantage of him for political purposes. The guy looks just too decent. He doesn't deserve that.

    Now I'll step down of my soapbox. I won't miss the next season (also shot in Nicaragua!) and your blog. I'd love to give you some PayPal love, but I only have some mangoes snatched from a furious howling monkey.


    Nicaraguan Castaway

  8. Remember when I commented that Norma needed to pull the stick out? Well, now I think he needs to reinsert it. Spineless jackass needs something to help him stand up straight. Also, the comment Nanook made that what she did on Survivor wasn't anything like her in real life. I have to call "bullshit" on that one. In times of stress or crisis I believe your true character comes out. Some of us aren't that dumb, Nanook. I still believe you have no business working with children. You are one sorry, sorry excuse for a teacher.
    You are such an excellent writer, Colette. Looking forward to next season.

  9. Love the blog as always. Can't wait for next season. I agree though, I would love to see you blog the Biggest Loser. All of the crying, yelling, and more crying, then whining about how miserable their lives are.. would come out as pure genius in your blogs.

  10. As usual, terrific blog!! I hope you have a publisher....Your writing style reminds me of Jennifer Weiner and Laurie Notaro. I would definitely be in line to purchase your 1st book.

    I was very happy for Fabio. I found the Jeff - Shannon dialogue knee slapping. I'm glad I'm not the only "passionate" Survivor fan who wanted to sharpen the machete and run towards Nanooks neck.....Whatever, looking forward to Redemption Island - sounds like it will be great!

  11. Love the blog, I keep getting funny looks at work due to my uncontrolled sniggering. Especially Rainbow Brite in his rustling petticoats and Nanook's multiple personalities.

    Nice hatchet job on Norma, he sure had it coming. But what's with all the love for Marty? How much did he pay you? That man is possibly the tooliest tool who ever tooled. He and grotesque Jungle Jane deserve each other. I was starting to think perhaps he wasn't so bad after all until he opened his mouth at FTC. It takes a lot to make Chase look good compared to you, but Mr "I'm a genius strategic mastermind even though I only barely made the jury" somehow achieved it. Ugh.

  12. Ms. Lala,

    Long time reader, first time commenter...

    I love your writing. You pretty much saved the Big Brother season for me, as I became disinterested in it all. I'll be calling it "The season that shall not be named". Anywho, seeing that this is a Survivor blog... The nicknames were spot on and your commentary I looked forward to every Thursday, even to the point where I fast forwarded through half the show on DVR because I preferred your recap.

    Another first for me... I've never referred to another grown man "Dimples" (even in my thoughts) until you gave that nickname to Jeff and now it's stuck there. Can you imagine my shock when Jeff appeared on the screen and I thought "There goes Dimples...wait?!?!? What am I thinking $#!&? This is your fault Colette." Yes, it happened in real life exactly like that. LOL!

    Love you, keep doing what you do, and I'm looking forward to Redemption Island.

  13. LOL Marty didn't pay me a cent. I had high hopes for Marty back when I posted his cast video before the season started. It took a few weeks for him to really grow on me, but he did and I think he paid off in spades. That tribal council was amazing largely in part to him. Plus, he's a nice guy with a wicked sense of humor. I get that not everyone likes him. Rarely do I choose to root for the "obvious" hero or the most likable. It's part of my charm. :-)

  14. Dearest Colette,

    Thanks for blogging. This Survivor had to be a tough one for you.
    Can you say "Bland"?
    Bland Bland Bland Bland Bland.
    I hope Mark Burnett reads you so that this never happens again.
    Obviously, key people have left the show and Dimples is screwing it up.
    Every week you made purses out of sow's ears and we thank you for that.

    Do not do Biggest Loser because people dying from obesity is not funny.
    Marty will be back (you can have him) but so will my Brenda (throws my Hanes in the air).
    Let Sash go. He is just a serial supermodel bedder.

    I want to thank you for bringing to light the malady of "bad voice-itis".
    Just like Morgellons, it is a real disease.
    I too suffer from it. All the great laughs I missed on "Everybody Loves Ray" because I just COULD NOT STAND Romano's voice.
    I love Brad Garrett but I just can't do it.
    Maybe now that you are the spokes-bitch for it, maybe something can be done.

    And if it is within your Survivor powers, could you reveal how the final votes went down?

    See you in February!

    Take care.

  15. your kinda mean...

  16. I was so rooting for Jughead to win after Marty was voted out. Originally I had Hop Along, Marty, & Jughead that I thought could win this season. I think the Jughead played a smart game. I never thought for a second that anyone was that stupid and had a feeling it was just a ploy to make him appear as less of a threat. When Sash pointed out in Tribal how Jughead never seemed to know WTH was going on I shouted at the T.V "Did it ever occur to you that he just didn't want you to know he was all up & up on what idiots you all are." Jughead made a smart move really taking Sash to the final 3 b/c who in their right mind would vote for Sash? No one!! I knew 100% that Brenda would vote for Chase, that Marty & Dan would vote for Jughead. I was really up in the air on what Alina was going to do, who Naonka would vote for, & I was only 50% sure that Jane would vote for Jughead. I totally think the right person won. Jughead did not need to lie, cheat, steal, or backstab anyone to get far in the game. All he did was make himself look clueless. I am looking forward to Redemption Island. I love that Survivor is now going change the rules on quitters and decide whether they should be allowed to be on the jury or not after they quit. GOOD!!! As always thanks for the laughs and making this a great season. I am looking forward to Feb to join you again.

  17. That was a fabulous write up! You rock LALA!

  18. I ran into Rainbow Brite at LAX... Hot in person. I can totally see why Jane wanted to get in those pants.

  19. Did anyone else catch the comment Jughead made to Dimples about his nickname? Dimples asked him if he is now Fabio, has that stuck, does everyone call you that? Jughead said yes but there were also some other nicknames. I wonder if he was referring to the nickname Jughead.

    I was more disgusted with the fact that Chase got so many votes. I totally do NOT agree with everyone on here about Norma. I think that Chase is a pansy waste, low life, dirty, backstabbing piece of shit. I was shocked that Norma didn't get any votes. Sure he lied and back stabbed but he also outwitted and outplayed everyone else. I was rooting for Jughead after Jane was shitcanned but I wanted Chase to leave and not make it to the Finals. I would have preferred Norma to get 2nd.

    When Marty asked him that question about the bag of hammers and then he actually turned to Dimples and asked if he had to answer it, he should have been hit with that bag of hammers and kicked off the island for being such an idiot. I think he answered Marty's question. The award for 'dumber than a bag of hammers' goes to Chase, hands down. MORON!

    Love your blog and I would love to come to your burn Chase's records party. Redemption Island sounds like it will be cool. Everyone have a nice holiday and a HAPPY NEW YEAR! Read you in February.

  20. I have read that Chase received a lot of votes, because no one was allowed to vote for Sash. Allegedly, Jane said that Sash tried to bribe her for her vote, and help with convincing other jury members to vote for him. In return, Sash would pay off Jane's Mortgage. Again, this is all alleged.

  21. I asked a jury member about those allegations last weekend. The response I received was:

    "I'm not touching that with a ten foot pole - It never happened!"

    For the record, I thought it was a really weird answer.

  22. Wow! A rumored 'bribe' story...the cherry on the sundae.
    Wanted to comment on all the entertainment I received here this season. THE BEST blog around-Collette, You could certainly be the most popular professor at any journalism school on creative writing!
    I do think, although Fabio won, the pic below this title should be Chase's."Dumber than..." I'm sure no one here misconstrued that tho'.

    Yeah, what was with the dufus short hair cut? It is as though Sampson had his locks cut. What was so-o-o-o sweet and satisfying were the moments after Fabio won the last immunity. His pure joy was fantastic and contagious.
    I feel no time should have been given to NaOnka's mom, especially since she's just as shady as her daughter.
    I will PayPal you, Collette-and wish you a Bitchin' New Year!!!
    Can't wait for your next new set of blogs.

  23. Why does everyone keep saying Fabio got a bad haircut? That guy is fucking hot and would be even if he shaved it all off. Stop picking on my boy.

    This is the first time that I can remember that my favorite from way back toward the beginning of the season ended up winning. I'm very excited about it. I don't care what his hair looks like.

    Looking forward to February!

  24. Lala loved your blog! FABULOUS!!! I loved how you slapped the floor like Elmo. I have that doll. I also loved that you continued the island renaming to the bitter end.

    I thought it absolutely endearing the glee with which Jughead came to Tribal. He was so adorable. I loved how he said he was going to tap into nature. I thought it was hilarious to hear Chase singing whatever that was. Who knows, they were playing him off the island. A hook to pull him off the stage would have seemed more subtle.

    I thought it was a great season, I give you the most credit. Thanks for another great blog! You're the best!

  25. I have to stress that in my comment above that I was FOR Fabio winning. The remark about his hair needed to be said-as I loved him in long hair. The moment I saw him with that short hair, I wondered who it was! I hope he spends some of his winnings on a hair stylist. Sorry, Creme, that's how I feel. (And, usually I don't go for long-haired guys.)

    I, too, was amazed that the one I wanted to win actually did!

  26. This is the first season where I have read every one of your posts and now I dont know what I am looking foward to more- the episodes or what you have to say about them.

    Also, do you ever plan on revealing your true identity? If not, why?

    Anyways, thanks again, ill be sure to donate :).

  27. Thank you for doing this blog! Much like BB this summer, your blog is what kept me watching the show.

  28. Well, of the remaining 3, I'd say I favored Fabio, BUT, his entire "game" was playing like a BB "floater." I hate to see that in a reality show myself. And I'll admit I rooted for Jane from the start, she actually needed the cash!

    Thanks Lala for making this collection of misfits actually interesting, the producers sure screwed the pooch in that respect.

    Love your writing style, you fucking rock girl!

  29. Ok.So I'm really late for a comment. With my computer having some sort of booger in it,my disappointment at Holly(Crazy Pants) not winning,and those pesky holiday things...there have been a great many swear words said in my humble South Dakota residence. (I have a wee bit of a temper)

    RE: The Finale.
    I pretty much knew that Holly wasn't going to win. (My Grandmother used to say,"Shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one gets full faster.") Not just because of Rainbow Brite's habit of throwing his "alliances" under the bus,but because she was definitely a threat.Love her or hate her,she did play a good game.
    The finale was pretty damn funny.THANK YOU Spike,Jane,and Dan. Pissed off people and smartasses amuse me tremendously. I AM glad that Jughead won. Norma and Rainbow Brite didn't deserve a single damn vote. Being a douchey asshat doesn't win you anything except the moniker of douchey asshat. Jughead did a fine job of playing everyone mentally and kicked ass in challenges when he needed to. Hell,I'd have voted for him to win if I was on that jury.

    As always,much respect to you Ms Lala for the pure excellence of your observations and writing.

    Love and assorted other nonsense,

  30. Ok, the full cast has been released. It's too bad they're struggling so much to bring something 'new' to the game. Rob and Russell. So there it is.

    Well, I have my doubts about the Survivor casting director. But I have *ZeRo* doubts about Colette Lala. Can't wait to see what you bring to this game!!!!

    And oh--one more thing, am I the only person who can't stand Rob?? Dimples just said that Rob managed to turn himself from villain to hero. Wha? I don't even think he's lived up to either title. He's just yucky. Bleh! Smooth-talking polyester salesman. Eeeeew.

  31. Well said,

    With Dimples as producer, we are SCREWED.

    It is getting to the point that they should just get rid of Burnett's crew and just have Colette write us our Survivor season.

    Remember the early years? ...

    I hate Rob too. There, I said it.
    Love his wife though.

  32. Well Lala, I've finally read the entire BSB archive. "Big fucking deal" you ​reply? How frightfully rude! Have I not ever been gentle with criticism, while being ebullient with praise? I'll brook no further interruptions from the likes of you!

    Now hush, and listen:

    Heroes vs Villains. Absolutely killer season that I had a blast re-watching. My favourite blog was the one I commented on.

    Nicaragua. Wow. Your best season. Made me agree with what many of your other commentators frequently say: that reading your recaps can be more entertaining than the show itself. The proof was in my reluctance to watch it again, contrasted with the fun I had over the last few days reading your take on the loveable numbskulls of that season. Seismic changes in your opinion of players, ferocious bitchiness ("I Have Nothing Left to Suck"), wonderful intros such as your evocative reminiscence of the "Matterhorn" ride at Disneyland ("In the Hood"). That intro made me rather sad actually, because I've never been to Disneyland, and of course the opportunity for me to experience it as a child, like you did, is gone forever​...​ *sniff* (yeah, thanks for the sympathy). After such a disarming intro, the subsequent change in tone of that blog was pronounced. You were even motivated to apologise for the blog reading like you were pissed off! (No! You are more thrilling when you're pissed off.) But it has never been the bitchiness that I liked the most anyway, it has always been the thematic intros, cultural references and twistedly fantastic, er, stuff. In a tight contest between ​the finale blog and "Happy Birthday Spike", the latter won. Thoreau + fuckery = love it!

    I'm not gonna compile a list of my all time favourite blogs after all. Firstly, because it might come off as conceited (conceited? Moi? Never!), and secondly, because I kinda let you know which ones I really liked with my comments at the time anyway. It was just that I missed seasons ​​20 & 21, and because I can feel my Survivor enthusiasm beginning to wane, I wanted to read those seasons before "Blood vs Water" possibly extinguished it, as all portents point to the upcoming season being a dud. What I will do though, is pick a standout blog that, from memory, is representative of all the stuff that has delighted me over the eight seasons you’ve blogged (8! Christ, aren't you sick of it yet?)

    “​I Respect You Katrina" (03/22/12). I remember that one as ​having whimsical forays into the fantastic, appropriate bitchiness, imaginatively chosen pics, ​and ​neat cultural references, whilst having a running theme throughout (karma). I tried to demonstrate how much I liked it at the time by making an effort with my comment (Heathers, yay!)

    Pardon my presumptuousness, but after going back in time and reading those two earlier seasons, not long after reading the Caramoan season, I got the distinct impression that the last three years have been transformative for you beyond what might be expected from the ordinary passage of that time, like maybe you passed one of those significant age milestones during that run of blogging (21, 30, 35, 40 etc). I found the last two seasons breezy, neat, ​confident, ​practised. They were less bitchy, but more fun I think. Caramoan in particular.

    I'm very disappointed with the cast of the upcoming season. The returning player pool is exhausted. Last season had all the people from recent seasons worthy of bringing back, with one exception: Abi. So where is she? What, she doesn’t have a boyfriend? I’d kill to see her say to her own bf “Fuck with me you’re dead!”

    I really hope the uninspiring group chosen provides decent material for you. Oh well, think positive thoughts blah blah. See you sometime around the premiere. I've pretty much said all I wanted to say about your blogs now, so I dunno if I'll be as much of a contributor next season, but who knows?

    Thanks for all the entertainment!