Thursday, December 2, 2010

I Have Nothing Left To Suck

Smuff (smuf)
v. smuffed, smuff-ing, smuffs

verb, transitive
1. To inadvertantly reward an ignorant piece of trash and a waste of human flesh by refusing to kick them in the ovaries and choosing to instead gently put out their flames with a bout of rah-tarded tender loving care.

noun
1. The act of smuffing.
2. Something uneducated teachers say.

Example:
Smuff out my torch Jeff because I'm an ugly ungrateful whore who wasted everyone's time, stole someone else's spot, and embarrassed my family, community and students beyond redemption on national television.

Let's recap, shall we?
Warning: Very heavily laced with profanity today. That's what happens when I get pissed off.

The prepubescent Asian boy in desperate need of a lesson in humility is gone and Insignificant Kelly is confused. Surprise, surprise. The girl who hasn't spoken two words in 28 days, the idiot who can't string a sentence together to form a complete thought is confused. "Brenda leaving the game like completely screwed me over... I was like completely left in the dark... I'm like completely an annoying sack of shit right now who's going to sit on this rock and cry because I no longer have anyone to completely carry me through this like game.", she said. Mowgli (Brenda) being ejected from the game has brought Insignificant Kelly's world crashing all around her and now she's all like tormented and impotent about it. Her french braids are crooked, her bubble gum is all sandy, and there are like no malls in Nicaragua! *stabs self in ear with a rusty fireplace poker* Forever 21 is having a sale and she's like going to like miss it!



The next morning a new day tries to begin but the sun just can't be bothered to rise. All that whining and complaining from Insignificant Kelly the night before made it hit the snooze button and go back to sleep. No one wants to listen to that crap - not even a vital astronomical orb that makes life on Earth possible. Instead, an ominous and foreboding storm of sideways Forrest Gump rain and droopy gray clouds came rolling in and turned the dirt into mud, the pond into a river, and Nanook (NaOnka) into SadTonka. If you reach back into the cavernous recesses of your mind, you'll remember that Nanook not only suffers from complete and utter unlikability, but also has Multiple Personality Disorder. There's Nanook - the disgusting piece of filth who likes to steal food and talk trash, there's LaLooney - the charming Southern Belle who volunteers at the local soup kitchen on weekends and celebrates life with smiles and hugs, and there's SadTonka - the suicidal manic depressive who likes to cry when it rains. We're not exactly sure if the personalities know about one another, but one thing we do know is that inclement weather is a definite trigger. Eve (The Three Faces Of Eve) was triggered by anxiety, Sybil was triggered by fear, and Nanook is triggered by a low pressure weather system. Go figure.


So all the tribe members are pretty much miserable, but they endure. They sit huddled together in their rickety old shelter and they wait patiently for the rains to pass them by. Some sit and stare at the active horizon while others marvel at the strength of the now raging river that was once their cute little pond. One lone Survivor, however, decides to take a different approach. SadTonka wraps herself in a burlap sack and begins to cry. Those dark clouds in the distance are the dark clouds invading the inside of her brain. She's out of Zoloft, the noose she tried to make scratched up her poor hands, there's not an exhaust pipe within 50 miles that she wrap her lips around, and someone (Nanook!) may or may not have buried the machetes again. Bitch is in the bell jar and, to make matters worse, it's contagious!


Insignificant Kelly sits next to SadTonka and in an all too convenient camera moment, she laments that she doesn't know how much more she can take. Give me a fucking break. SadTonka is sitting there reciting Sylvia Plath poems and hoping a Sandinista left a gun with a bullet in it behind in the jungle somewhere while Insignificant Kelly simply wants a fluffy pillow and a stuffed teddy bear to snuggle. She could be making name tags for sorority recruits with puffy pens and chocolate sprinkles, but instead she's out in the jungle more than 2/3 rd's of the way done on her way to winning a million dollars. O me, O life! O fuck off and die. Seriously, thousands of people vie year after year trying to get a spot on the greatest reality show of all time and there sits Princess Poppycock sad she doesn't have enough marshmallows in her hot cocoa. It's disgusting. Look, Survivor is hell. We know this. Everyone knows this! It's been 21 seasons of people starving, falling into fires, getting eaten alive by sand fleas, and suffering from hideous skin and intestinal infections. Survivor brings the most strapping of men to their knees while turning the women into Pro-Ana poster children so when a little rain comes into the picture and Shirley Temple sits there sucking her thumb because her H&M gift card is about to expire, you better believe I'm going to get pissed off about it. Survivor is an institution. It's a beacon of high standards to which all other reality shows should be compared to. It is not some little show you go on and then one day decide to quit because you wake up with a case of the sads. This shit Insignificant Kelly is pulling is like someone joining the Navy Seals and being shocked there's no cookie drive or badges to earn. It's ree-dick-you-luss! Ugh!



At home I was hurling my beautiful new Christmas ornaments at the screen and punching holes into walls out of frustration while on the television a voice of reason finally emerged and began to calm me down. It was Crazy Pants (Holly). In an unprecedented WTF moment, Crazy Pants holds an empowerment seminar beneath the leaky tarp of the tiny shack and in a matter of two minutes the once cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs student surpassed the wise all-knowing teacher. Life Coach Clam Shell has done his job. He was there to teach, inspire, motivate, and pull a midwestern housewife out of her slump. Not only did he do that, but he created Antonia Robbins. Mark my words: Crazy Pants will be living on an island in Fiji, selling DVD's in late night infomercials, and traveling regularly to Singapore charging tens of thousands of dollars teaching people how to unleash their power. I shit you not. We had Insignificant Kelly sad she couldn't look through her sticker collection, SadTonka trying to slice her wrists open with a twig, and there, above it all, was Crazy Pants telling everyone that they'll be stronger people in life for having gone through this experience. The majesty of the moment brought a tear to the eye of one very proud bivalve. *sniffles* Poetry.


While Crazy Pants was demonstrating with flow charts and graphs how to achieve healthy self-esteem, Loverboy (Benry) and Jughead (Jud) slinked away into the trees to have a heart to heart. They're thrilled that Nanook and Insignificant Kelly want to quit. It brings them two steps closer to the million and they've got zero problem with that. Let those stupid bitches quit. They're annoying anyways. More rice for the boys!


Conversely, Rainbow Brite (Chase) gathers up his skirts, takes advantage of the brief break in the storm, and drags SadTonka out of the shelter to find out exactly how badly she wants to Anne Sexton herself. The only problem (for us) is that SadTonka has left the building. You see, it's sunny again. Now, I expected SadTonka to disappear, but what I didn't expect was for LaLooney to choose this specific moment in time to reappear. *sigh* To make matters worse, LaLooney is feeling uber generous today. She begins by talking about her heart and how it's just not in the game anymore and before we can all blink our eyes and realize what's happening, LaLooney gives her Immunity Idol to Rainbow Brite. Wha... wha... what?!? Rainbow Brite?! Really? Of all the people left in the game, she gives the damn Idol to the one guy she calls "Scatterbrain"? *shakes head* Had Nanook not been taken over by LaLooney in that moment, she probably would have given her Idol to Crazy Pants. She calls Crazy Pants "Mama" for crying out loud! Instead she gives it the guy she spent an entire episode bitching about. I don't get it. I really don't get it. I went down to my laboratory mixing beakers and writing all sorts of fascinating backwards and upside down letters in my black and white marble journal and I still can't figure out why in the hell LaLooney gave that Idol to Rainbow Brite. It makes no sense!


Speaking of making no sense, we now arrive at the Reward Challenge. Oh excuse me, the movie sponsored Reward Challenge. The scene opens with what I thought were two dead bodies strapped to tables. I was hoping for some sort of autopsy themed challenge with the Survivors flinging innards at one another or something like that, but noooo I never get my way. What I thought were dead bodies were actually dummies of Gulliver (which Dimples pronounced as Glulllliver) from the new soon-to-not-be-a-hit-film Gulliver's Travels starring Jack Black. Survivors will be divided into two teams and tethered together. They will have to, as a team, untie Glullliver and carry him through an obstacle course. First team to reach the end will be taken to the Survivor Cinema for a showing of Gulliver's Travels complete with popcorn, candy, hot dogs, and nachos. The Yellow Team is Jughead, Norma (Sash), Jungle Jane, and Insignificant Kelly. The Blue Team is Crazy Pants, Nanook, Loverboy, and Rainbow Brite. Mafia Dan was conveniently not chosen so he gets to sit in a giant chair and rewrap his limbs with more scotch tape while cheering on the Blue Team. If the Blue Team wins, he gets to join them on Reward. Survivors ready, go!


Teams get to work on untying Glullliver and Insignificant Kelly immediately begins whining. She's retying knots Jughead has already untied and being an all around asshole. Somehow the Yellow Team manages to release their Glullliver first and they approach the giant wall they have to carry Glullliver over. Insignificant Kelly gets kicked in the head by Glullliver's foot and out of annoyance her team starts yelling at her. The Blue Team manages to sneak ahead as they make their way through a rope maze. The final obstacle is a long tunnel of ropes that Glullliver has to come out the other end of. It was creepy and reminded me of a birth canal. Seriously, when his head eeked out the end of the tunnel, my uterus clenched. Jungle Jane was uncharacteristically slacking and Kelly got stuck mid contraction so BLUE TEAM WINS REWARD!!!


And now we arrive at what I like to call "Fuckery time". Dimples is all excited telling the Blue Team how they'll get to see this great new movie and eat candy and get popcorn stuck in their teeth and all that when Nanook raises her hand and requests to speak. She says something to the effect of, "I gave this game 110%. I'm a sucky lying hypocrite. I played the best game I know how. The voices inside my head are confusing me. My body has no more left to give. This will be last day. I wanted to go out in a miserable display of selfishness." Dimples cocks his head to the side and says, "So, you're quitting?" Nanook mumbles yes and Dimples is unthrilled. His mouth gets tight, his lips get thin, and that normal sparkle in his eye is extinguished in a nano-second. *shivers* Dimples without his sparkle is scary. It's sacrilegious, barbaric, and, quite frankly, unbecoming. It's like Andy Cohen without his lazy eye or Tinkerbell without her wings. Then, probably out of sarcasm and pure disgust, Dimples snidely asks if anyone else wants to quit. "Peep" goes the pathetic baby bird and Insignificant Kelly moans that her body just can't take it anymore. She's exhausted and mentally she just can't take it. Let's rewind and analyze that last line. Mentally she just can't take it... hmm ok. Mentally, Insignificant Kelly is a shoe horn. She's a carpet fiber, a ripped garbage bag, a used up dryer sheet. Mentally, Insignificant Kelly is INSIGNIFICANT! She's useless. She's unentertaining. She, herself, acknowledged that "Oh isn't it funny I don't talk? Tee hee hee." No bitch, it's not funny! It's bloody boring! I can't believe I had to do a blog post about you! No one even knew you were on the damn show until last week! Why do you exist?! Your skin could have been used to create an engineer or a scientist or a great artist or an inspirational writer. Instead it was wasted on YOU. Vapid, useless, boring YOU. God, I hate you. *tears a chunk of hair out of head*


Dimples is floored. He can't understand what's happening. This is Survivor. You don't quit Survivor! There's no crying in baseball and there's no quitting in Survivor. It's like a law or something. Survivor is Probst's castle (he's a producer now you know) and how dare these little fucktards shit all over it?! It's not that Nanook and Kelly would be out of the game that's bothersome. It's their complete and utter disregard for the sanctity of the game that's completely abhorrent. It's an abomination really. You know it, I know it, and Dimples knows it. And, that's why Dimples refuses to let them quit right then and there. He insists they wait out the day and then decide.


Before Dimples can head back to his hut and pour himself a nice tall glass of Scotch, he offers someone on the Blue Team a chance to opt out of the Reward in exchange for rice and a tarp for the entire tribe. Loverboy leans over and whispers to Nanook, "It should be you... it should be you... you're quitting anyways... you should do it." Now, some might wonder why Mafia Dan didn't back out since he didn't even compete. Well chickadees, I'm rewatching the episode right now and Dimples didn't make the offer to Dan. He specifically offered it to Crazy Pants, Rainbow Brite, Loverboy, and Nanook. Dimples continues and says, "This is a hero move... or a heroine move." Nanook just sits there with all eyes on her. Life Coach Clam Shell taps Crazy Pants on the shoulder and without a second thought she rises and announces, "I'll do it. I need to take care of these guys." *clam shell tear* Crazy Pants can eat a whole truck load of hot dogs when she gets home. What matters now is that these last 11 days are bearable. Loverboy starts flinging rocks at Nanook's head and whispers, "You should do it. Tell her to sit down. You're going to eat tonight! She needs to eat!" Nothing. No reaction. No guilt. Nothing. In fact, I'm pretty sure I saw Nanook turn her buff into a bib. Un-believable.



Back at Leavenworth (Libertad), the tribe is giving Crazy Pants (and the tiny mollusk in her pocket) a standing ovation. Insignificant Kelly has the nerve to thank C.P. for her selflessness. Oh shut up bitch! I don't want to hear anything out of you. Crazy Pants is slightly nicer than I am so she takes Asshole Kelly aside and asks her if she's still planning on quitting. Kelly starts to go into her big "I've had enough, my body can't take it" speech when Crazy Pants holds her hand up signaling Kelly should shut her trap. C.P. then tells Kelly what she tells her daughters. It was something about running track and winning state championships. I don't know. The gist of it was that YOU DON'T QUIT SURVIVOR! It was then that I pictured Crazy Pants daughters back home cringing as they remembered how during Junior year mom wouldn't let them go to the big dance. Instead, they had to drink protein shakes and do stadium stairs at 5 am every morning. I saw a new side to Crazy Pants in that moment. It was her "No more wiiiire hangaaaaars!!!" side. Was I the only one who could hear Joan Crawford bellowing in the distance, "Christina get out of that bed right now and clean up this mess!" ? (Name the movie I'm talking about in the comments and you're a big weiner!) So yeah, Crazy Pants told Insignificant Kelly to suck it up and Kelly replied, "I have nothing left to suck." The sound of Kelly's male fanbase multiplying was deafening in that moment.

Enter Gulliver's Travels promo sequence here. I'm too lazy to write about it.

All of this brings us up to the big moment: Tribal Council. Will the two trifling bitches quit or not? Since the promo spoiled it, Jeff Probst's twitter spoiled it, and every other entertainment magazine out there spoiled it, I think we all already know the answer. Note to Survivor producers/publicists/hosts: STOP FUCKING SPOILING MY SHOW! Thank you.


OK so the Jury enters and they're all smiles. Spike (Marty) still looks like he's been golfing instead of dancing around the Underworld, Alligator Lady Alina was pretty in pink, and Mowgli was, well, Mowgli.


Wasting no time, Dimples addresses the reason why this impromptu Tribal Council was being held. He announces how Nanook and Insignificant Kelly both want to quit the game and in that instance the sound of three jaws hitting the floor went thud, thud, thud. Three of the most crafty duplicitous players of the season were sitting on that Jury stunned. How dare anyone anywhere even think of quitting Survivor?!? Insignificant Kelly looked meek and embarrassed while Nanook (or maybe it was a new personality) was furrowing her brow and squenching up her face. It was a look I'd never seen before so I had no idea who to attribute it to.


Crazy Pants gives a nice little homage to Jimmy Johnson for helping her out when she wanted to quit on Day 5. Jungle Jane then steps up to the pulpit and begins to preach. She has drive, determination, and the will to fight. Life is no picnic unless you grew up privileged. No one is going to do you any favors unless you stand your ground and fight for yourself. *waves lighter in the air* In this economy, times are hard and being weak won't get you anywhere in life. You have to push, strive, try, and claw your way through the muck and grime to make your mark in this world. Quitters never win, cheaters never prosper, and pathetic losers never get respect. Quitting stunts your growth, sets you back. *shouts hallelujah!* There are a lot of people going through difficult times right now and only a select few in the world get the distinct privilege of playing Survivor. Survivor is a gift. It's a chocolate-covered, rolled in macademia nuts, and sprinkled with diamond dust gift. I don't know about you, but I never throw away a piece of chocolate.


Nanook sits through all the inspirational comments everyone is making, says she's happy to be the only African American player left (WRONG! Norma is still there.), says she comes from a family of strong black women (Big fat lie! A strong black woman wouldn't give up.), says she could have won the million dollars becuase of her charm (Ha! Fat chance.), and promptly quits Survivor Nicaragua.


Dear NaOnka Patricia Mixon,

You are pathetic. You are a vile, disgusting piece of diarrhea stuck in the crevices of my sneakers. Your presence in the game of Survivor Nicaragua was a joke. You are a joke. You're a petty thief with nothing to offer the world but ugly looks and mispronounced verbs. You wasted the chance of a lifetime acting repugnant in front of millions people, lying, and then crying like a bitch and quitting. All that bravado and not a thing to show for it. Typical. You will amount to nothing in life because you give up too easily and, let's face it, you're kind of a nut job. May I never see your hideous face again.

Love,
Colette Lala



Then, because she can't think for herself, Insignificant Kelly quits. I'd write Kelly a letter too, but seriously what's the point? She's an idiot. She won't understand it.


Spike drops his head in his hands, Alina starts crying, and Mowgli becomes furious. I feel your pain you guys. Damn, do I feel it! Believe me, I'd much rather have any of you bitches back in the game if it were possible. Well, maybe not Mowgli. Who am I kidding here? Let's just pretend she never existed. But Spike or Alina... any day of the week, any second of the day... I think we'd all take you guys back.


Dimples then asks these two wretched hosebeasts what he should do with their torches. Nanook suggests he "smuffs" them. *sigh* This woman is an educator, people - an educator! And what do you think Dimples does? He smuffs the torches, tells them they're now on the Jury, and calls it a night. No, no, NO!!!


NO, they should not be on the Jury. We can do with a Jury with of 7. We don't need 9.

NO, they should not be allowed to go to Ponderosa. They should be stripped of their buffs and shoved face first onto a cargo plane back home.

NO, they should not be allowed to sit with the coveted Jury on finale night and from here on out they should also not be allowed to attend any Survivor reunions or Reality functions. Once you quit, that's it! All your privileges have been revoked. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Just go the fuck home!

So yeah, that happened and I'm damn mad about it. What did you guys think of last night's episode? Was Insignificant Kelly just copying Nanook? Did Nanook develop a new delusional personality at Tribal? Was Alina crying out of frustration or because now she has to deal with those two chuckleheads for the next 11 days? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!



Please to enjoy Life At Ponderosa:





49 comments:

  1. That was so amazingly satisfying to read. Colette's at her best when she's angry - alternatively hilarious and cathartic.

    The only bright side to this is that NaOnka is gone. I was a bit worried given that she had an Idol and was entrenching herself in the dominant alliance - she played a big role in getting Brenda out last week and could be a dangerous player.

    I will loathe her forever for that sociopathic shit she pulled with one-legged Kelly B., so now: not only is she gone, but she's slimed with a well-deserved cloud of disgrace.

    And you're absolutely right: there should be some punishment for quitting. In Brazil, anyone who quits Big Brother is stripped of all the prizes and money they earn. Having these wenches sit on the jury and decide who gets the million dollars, then get paid to go to the reunion show, is just not right.

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  2. Mommie Dearest!!!! excellent blog love it every week

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  3. You know how bad the season is when my 84yo mother commented on it last night, before the episode started....and she usually can't tell you what happened week to week, even if you ask her 5 minutes after watching it.

    Personally I feel like the 2 of them quitting will change Survivor forever if MB doesn't take a tough stand on it & make some major changes. To quit this late in the game & have multiple people leaving at once will make it easier for anyone else to do so in future seasons once they realize they can't possibly win. Hey, why stay out in the camp when I can be all snug in my luxury room at the Pondorosa with all the food I can eat if I'm not going to get the million? People with that mentality should be on BB, not survivor....but we know all to well they share the same casting pool a little too much.

    As for the smuffing of the torches, Jeffy should have turned them upside down and 'smuffed' them out by grinding them into the ground like a used cigarette. Using the official snuffer was too nice for either of them.

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  4. Great blog and I think they should be sent home no pondarosa for the quiters

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  5. This blog was better than watching the episode!! Where is an award to give you for your writing? You're hilarious. Life Coach Clamshell was at its best today. You took fallen, over-ripe, bruised lemons and made sweet lemonade with them!

    Awesome!

    Oh, and the quitters just suck. Wait till they really have a trying time in life. They'll look back on this and see what true, and selfish babies they are. They just made a mockery of the most awesome show on TV. **gags self**

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  6. I can't believe a low life, like your self... would actually take time out of their own day to write a blog the size of a short novel about a reality TV show series. Get a life you piece of shit...

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  7. Agree w/AnnieMax. Why stay at camp if you know you're not going to win? Why reward quitters with anything? New rules for quitters please.

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  8. Anonymous at 4:17 - Ha! You searched for it, opened it, read it and commented on it. See the Irony?

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  9. 2 snaps and a twist for this blog.
    Na-nobody-onka needs to be throat punched repeatedly.

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  10. I guess I am just confused on why you continue to watch a show you clearly do not like?! Well written but seriously you should think about writing on more important topics that actually have an impact on the world. To say really awful things about people you have never met, and about situations you yourself have never been in is hypocritical and just plain mean. I hope you take in my words of advice as constructive and not an attack.

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  11. I hope Jeff takes a huge handful of salt and just rubs it in at every tribal council "and the quitters..." I am just so frustrated at such people being on my beloved Survivor!!
    Great blog as always, Lala!

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  12. Ummm I love Survivor. I always have. What part of my saying it was an institution and all other reality shows should be held up to it in comparison did you not understand?

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  13. That's just the reply I thought I would get. I guess it just upset me that you that much time on your hands. Wasn't looking for an argument.

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  14. Anon 4:17 sucks (apparently quite a bit more than Kelly Purples does)and is just pissed that Lala dissed his/her kinfolk--that being NaNook....Exact same amount of class, a-hole. (--oh wait, do you think maybe Nanook can read/write well enough to be commenting right here on Lala's holy blog?? *raises glass to the California education system*)

    As for the quitters. Yes, I do think that Kelly felt entitled to quite once NaNook quit. If NaNook had stayed, No-significance Kelly would have stuck around, whining all the way to Final 3. (Because, honestly, who would bother to vote her out?)

    And I am in agreement that future Survivors will have to make some serious contractual changes. People who walk away do not get the same amount of cash nor do they get go to Ponderosa and be on the jury. If they don't make these kinds of changes, they'll have more quitters--and quitters are BORing to watch. That's why Jeff wanted Jane to finish the knotted-rope challenge: no f-ing quitters.

    I'd seen the spoiler, so I knew this was coming for several weeks. People were talking about the 'precedent' already set for quitters to be jury members. But Survivor is in charge of its own rules and its own contracts. Sharpen up you pencils, boys n girls.

    As always, thanks for sharpening up your 'pencil', Lala. I look forward to it every time. (And since I've discovered your blog, the only other one I read is Dimples'. Yours is top-shelf, baby.) ...here's a toast for you and for a spendy booze reference!!

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  15. It's upsets you I have time on my hands to blog once a week about a show I adore? Wow. I'm not even sure how to respond to that.

    Resume window licking friend. Don't let me interrupt you.

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  16. Wow...new word for 'troll' is 'NaNook'. I'm convinced that's the rude bitch that's lurking here today.

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  17. SO DEFENSIVE! I guess that is what is more upsetting. I just don't think it is okay to talk that badly about people you have never met. You would never understand what they went through and you need to realize that it isn't your place to judge. I am sorry that your favorite show has let you down but in the end that is all it it is.. A SHOW! So relax and be nicer because they have feelings and those were extremely hurtful things that you said. People are different, and just because they aren't like you does not make them "dumb" or "crazy."

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  18. LOL Now you're just being funny.

    I think I'll stick my own style without suggestions from the peanut gallery, but thanks for dropping by!

    So, same time next week then? Great. See you here.

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  19. Hey Anonymous!
    Check out the name of the blog for a good clue as to what to expect...
    Dolt!

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  20. It's not even having two quitters in one episode that disappoints me so, but the fact that they are allowed to become members of the jury. What right do they have to judge others? Who ARE they to judge?!
    I also expected more in terms of disgust from Mr Probst. The most he could manage was "get out" to one of those two. Maybe he was too floored to react. But they certainly should do something about quitters if they don't want the show to go downhill.
    Funny how previously mute and invisible Purple Kelly managed to sing her swan song with a single phrase "I have nothing left to suck" oh, really, Kelly? :)

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  21. Hey Anonymous @ 5:54,
    Let me make this easy for you... don't read this blog.. it's that simple!
    Lala..I simply love your blog... amazing as always

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  22. Stumbled on this blog and thought it was GREAT! I'm glad to know there are other Survivor lovers. I thought they were all extinct!

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  23. Clueless Anon is either Invisible Kelly or a friend/family member.

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  24. I am appalled that these 2 quitters are allowed to be on the jury. "Jury" is an element of the game, and they both quit the game. End of story. Go home in the bowels of a cargo ship!

    (The less I say @ the Anon. commentators-that are obviously related to the quitters-the better.)
    Love this bitchy blog. Yeah, that's what it is set up to be...a bitchfest!

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  25. Hey LaLa...Great blog, as per usual! After watching last night's episode, I could hardly wait to read what you would have to say about it, and once again, you didn't disappoint!
    As for 'Anon@5:50', did you fail to read the title of this blog? Don't come here and preach to Colette about being nicer, when the name of the blog is BITCHY Survivor Blog!! And as for her 'show' letting her down, can you even read? The show didn't let her down, two useless, selfish, whiny idiots did!! And yes, people are different, and therefore we are all allowed to express our opinions on what we think of them, based on what we see. And by their own actions, on a NATIONAL television show that they CHOSE to appear on, we can correctly deduce that they are moronic, crazy, stupid, irrelevant assholes. Kinda like yourself, whom I have the right to deem so based on your self-righteous, just-as-judgemental-as-the-rest-of-us-asshole post. You can dress up your words as pretty and dipolomatically as you like, but don't kid yourself. You're down here in the mud with the rest of us! :P

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  26. Haven're read the blog yet...actually haven't even watched the episode, but caught word of drama rama over here and came to check it out. Then I laughed. I really can't stand people who take the time to write comments about people who take the time to write blogs. What a stupid pointless overdone comment. I can imagine the thought process: I don't like what she's written. I know! I'll write that she has no life. That will show her. Scene.

    It makes no sense. If you don't like what the girl has written then you can either not read it, or make some kind of intelligent comment that might make her go "Hmm... interesting point there." A whole big ass slew of people come here to read this each week...so Lala has no life, and all of us who read this have no life, and anyone who watches Survivor has no life and anyone who is ON Survivor has no life...and blah blah blah....You are pretty fucking sanctimonious for someone who is under the name "Anonymous." Ok so NOBODY with a television has a life. No I have to go bang my head against my desk as hard as humanly possible because you ("you" being all of the self righteous wastes of spaces here who wouldn't know fun or humor if it fucked them in the ass) you have just made us all a little dumber than we were before reading these comments.

    Lala - I am sure the blog is great, I will read it when I watch the episode.

    Everyone else can suck my ass.

    <3
    prettyplainjo
    61tch4L1f3

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  27. ITA Lala - great blog 9u never disapoint.

    ANON _ buy yourself a 'sense of humor' for Christmas. Jeez - life's too short!!!!

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  28. Great blog. I love your sarcastic sense of humor.

    I noticed something last night that I wonder if anyone else has noticed? Why does Jane always look like she smeared mud over her face whenever she goes to tribal council? Does she never bathe?

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  29. I discovered your blogs at the beginning of last season's Big Brother. I am a big fan, Lala! Your blog is usually WAY more entertaining than the actual epidsode it covers. I am still pondering the reason for posting the "hate" comment by "Anonymous". THEN trying to "clarify" the reason for posting it! Seriously?!? Granted, your humor may not be for everyone, but there are many of us who can't wait to see what you have to say after an episode airs.
    I have a degree in education and taught for fifteen years. Nanook made my skin crawl every time she opened her mouth. She is an embarrassment to the profession. If the school district in which she is employed doesn't reconsider her contract, as a parent I would send my child to another school. Teachers not only teach academics, they model character. This chick is exactly what I DON'T want my child to be.
    Thanks, Lala, for writing such a terrific blog.

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  30. i love Probst "our two quitters" "they quit at the last Tribal Council" he just can't stop dissing them

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  31. Great blog, La La, you nailed it as always. And your humour helps the boiling rage simmer down a little.

    I cannot believe Nanook is a teacher. Unbelievable. I hope she gets her certification pulled. How many other girls is she teaching to be a selfish, shameless, sociopath just like her?

    How can these two get to be on the jury????????? They QUIT! Nanook doesn't deserve a nice little vacation for quitting! Augh! Maybe it's not too late and Jeff will announce at the next tribal council that Sucky Kelly and Lalooney will not get to cast jury votes. They just have to sit there and do nothing, like their torches -- which should have been torched in my opinion.

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  32. Like everyone I think the quitters shouldn't be allowed on the jury - or to Ponderosa.

    Just pitch a moldy tent for them somewhere in the middle of the jungle, give 'em a little rice, and let them wait out the rest of the season there.

    Like Jane said: So many people have it WAY worse and they're not in a game, it's their life.

    Stupid skanks.

    - Jazz

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  33. Damn, the more I think about Nanook, the more angry I get. Unfortunately, I don't think she can be fired from her job for being a spineless, gutless, boil on the butt of humanity. Maybe, however, someone could get a search warrant for her house. What do you want to bet that she's got a closet full of office supplies and sporting equipment that belongs to the school where she is employed? I'm just sayin'... It's certainly a possibility, isn't it?

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  34. The really great thing about the two useless bitches quitting is that we never have to see them again after this season. There is no chance that they will ever show up on an 'all-stars' or other second-chance season. And their torches should have been broken in half and thrown in the fire. And we should have seen them placed onto a plane, preferably unbathed and unfed, and sent straight back to the United States. No jury, no reward of any kind.

    And I don't feel bad for the jury members who were so upset by the quitting, because they should have voted the two fools out in the very beginning. NaOnka showed everyone exactly who she was from the very first moment. The rest of the players should have believed her and sent her back to what must be her very sad life.

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  35. P.S. I'm Still annoyed w/NaOnka's theft of the socks (which she is proud to have not revealed in the game or returned). Her school system should be made aware that she is an admitted thief. Hopefully, her superiors, students & their parents watch "Survivor".

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  36. As an African American female, and a Survivor fan, I am embarrassed and humiliated by Nanook, not only for quitting, but by her behavior since day 1. She is a disgusting piece of Sh**t in need of therapy.

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  37. As an African American,I'm not embarrassed by NaCrazy. Just because she and I share skin color doesn't mean I need to claim her insanity. You don't see any white folks apologizing for the crazy shit white contestants do. Sorry to rant but that's a peeve of mine. Crazy is crazy. It has nothing to do with race.

    Fabu blog, Ms. Lala. Loved the Mommy Dearest shout out. "No Wire Haaaaaannnngers!!!"

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  38. Alli: Nanook stated that as an African American she is proud of the way she played the game. I am stating that as an African American I am embarrased as to how she played the game.

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  39. Well, as for the comments by Anonymous about not seeing white people apologizing for crazy shit white contestants do, we don't expect an apology by you for this worthless skanks actions either.

    But just this little bit for our new resident critic:
    You take such umbrage with Lala for talking badly about people she doesn't even know? Have you been out of the fucking cave lately? Talking badly about people "they" don't even know is a big time business dumbass! It's called THE MEDIA! Be it a supermarket tabloid, or a television show, or a radio broadcast, for the best part the ENTIRE format is devoted to talking badly about someone the person in question doesn't even know. And they're rewarded quite nicely for doing exactly what you're bitching about.

    But a true case of IRONY is apparent here, you are doing exactly what you're bitching about. You got all concerned about Lala taking the time to write her blog, yet you took time out of your busy fucking day to criticize her? Does mom know you're screwing around on her computer again? Or did she move her old one down to your room in the basement since she can't get her 35 year old pimply faced geek to MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE!

    OK, I feel better now, the meds are kicking in! Or the half fifth of Jack I washed them down with is. Whatever, works for me!

    The "two quitters" should not be on the jury, they should not have had their torches "smuffed", and sure as hell shouldn't have been rewarded by going to the Ponderosa. They should have been shown the door, introduced to Mr. Ocean, and told to get home the best way they knew how. It's a long swim girls, better get started early!

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  40. I hate that they moved the show to Wednesday. I hate that the quitters get to be on the jury. I love this blog! Great work again Lala!

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  41. Love your blog. Great as usual. I didn't know Dimples did a blog. Does anyone know where to find it? Thanx.

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  42. Kandeekane, I found his blog by typing "Jeff Probst blog" into the search bar.

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  43. Carole, Thanx. I typed that in there but all I get is a bunch of other peoples websites like popwatch that have stuff about Jeff and his blog. Does anyone know the exact address so I can go directly to his website? Does he have a website? Is it on CBS or somewhere else? Anyone know? Thanx.

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  44. The blog is at EW.com. You might have to hunt around for it. It's easy to find on Thursdays, but moves to the background after that.

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  45. Colette -You are the reason i started my own entertainment blog. I have enjoyed your writings now for almost a year. I have followed your blogging on the amazing race (which still is my favorite reality show, i know you tired of it) and survivor. Howevere i have been extremely distrubed by your personal attacks on NaNook (as you call her) i didnt have a problem with the name you attached to her,but I wish you had not gotten so personal, because it turned out to be offensive on many levels. I could not even finish reading the blog because you were so brutal. I will continue to support your blog because I think you are an excellent writer. I know you may not like what i have said but that is the way i feel. I m glad she is off now so that you can lighten up a bit.

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  46. Those 2 good for nothing bitch whores have no fucking right to be on the jury. They have no right to be part of the reunion. They didn't finish the game like Marty, Alina, & Brenda, they threw their hands in the air and walked away. If you are voted out then you finished the game when you quit you are nothing but the sludge you would find in the bottom of a bog. Actually the sludge would be better than you. I have absolutely no respect for people who quit the game of Survivor. I seriously hope that them being on the jury is reconsidered.

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  47. I can't wait for more bitchiness!!! Survivor--and this blog--allows me to let my bitchy, evil side out.

    I am usually way, way too nice in real life--and I consider Survivor my Oasis...and the Bitchy Blog is the tall, cool, alcoholic beverage that they serve there. Can't wait to stop by tomorrow!!

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  48. Collette, have you abandoned TAR altogether? I go there occasionally to see if you've updated. I assume you're through w/TAR?

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  49. Yes, I hated this season. I can't write about something I hate. It's never any good.

    I might be back next season. We'll see.

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