Friday, February 19, 2010

It's Not About Y'all

Way back when in the olden timey days, a tribe of Vampires ventured out to turn those they deemed to have "evil potential" into vicious blood drinkers of the night. You might even recall some of their names: Lestat, Louis, Damon, Bill, Marius, Edward, Richard Hatch, etc. As time progressed these night walkers came up with a few tricks to survive the sunlight. Some wore gaudy jewelry as a deterrent while others simply favored cloudy days. In general, they're pretty much all cagey, untrustworthy, and up to no good. Occasionally though, every once in a while, they'll look out for one another and work together as a family. The point I'm trying to make here, and yes I have one, is that there is a new fledgling tribe of vampires out there whose names we'll remember for years to come. They're currently living in a little neck (pun intended) of the woods called The Villains Camp. Let's recap, shall we?

The scene opens with rain... the long insufferable Samoan rain. Samoan rain is different from, let's say, Chicago rain. Samoan rain is bitterly cold, it pelts your skin, makes you instantly get your period (regardless of gender), and puts every bitch on the planet in a very bad mood. And if your shelter sucks, the Extra Strength Midol you thought you'd stocked up on will always be in short supply. Boston Rob, in particular, has his Kotex in a bunch. It doesn't have wings and it doesn't pull moisture away. None of this is making him happy especially since his tribe is full of a bunch of lazy asses who can't build a decent shelter or keep a fire going in the middle of a torrential downpour. The situation is dire and only one thing can make it all better... a romantic tetes-a-tetes between the Maneater and the Dragon Slayer! I love these two together. I really do. And when I see them gazing out over the black ocean and into the black clouds, my little blackened heart goes pitter patter. Devil babies... I want them now. Actually, if I had a band I'd name it Devil Babies.

The next morning the clouds lift and it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life, and everyone is feeling sooooo good. The Villains get to work reassessing their shelter. They decide to take it all apart and start from scratch. The only problem is every time they start over, the worse it gets. It's like that movie Multiplicity where Michael Keaton keeps creating clones of himself and each new one is dumber than the next. A derivation of a derivative is never good and Boston Creme Pie is once again getting pissed. Courtney muses that she hopes he doesn't fall down dead. Uh oh... when an evil being like her puts a thought like that out into the ether you just know it's going to manifest itself somehow. Either a precious unicorn will inadvertantly stab a toddler or Boston Creme Pie will, in not so many words, fall down dead. We'll just have wait and see.

Meanwhile over at the Losers, errr I mean, Heroes Camp, everyone is as busy as can be chopping down bamboo and cooking coconut. The soundtrack is sweeping and uplifting, everyone is smiling, their capes are billowing in the breeze, the massive H's on their chests displayed proudly, and James self-assuredly announces that they are the best Survivors ever. Rupert, lying on his fat ass in a hammock feeding himself grapes and getting sticky fruit juice all over the front of his Hero costume, seconds James' sentiments and announces that he loves a tribe that works together. He snaps his fingers for Stephenie to make his coconut taste like popcorn please. He'll only eat it if it bursts joyously on his palate. If it doesn't dance on his tongue like fairy popcorn should, then she runs the risk of going home. Stephenie wipes her brow, moans to herself, and continues the laborious task of servicing Rupert. One thing she doesn't do is speak up. One thing no Hero will ever do, is speak the fuck up. It's only been 4 days in the jungle and the glitter on their catsuits is already getting oh so dull. I'm almost tempted to call in a Weirvention for these poor lost souls. If there's one person who does glitter catsuits justice, it's Mr. Weir.

Back at Evil Village, the reconstruction effort isn't going as planned. Boston Rob just can't seem to get out of this funk he's in. He retreats to the woods in search of solace and the will to go on much like Thoreau did. Oh who am I kidding? Thoreau was a damned hippy who probably couldn't get laid so he went off to stare at ants for days. This is Boston Rob we're talking about here! The Boston Rob. He's tired, he's weak, and he needs inspiration. He looks up to the sky and like John Travolta in Phenomenon he experiences a thwack on his head that knocks him out unconscious. While lying in the deep recesses of his own mind a curly haired vixen named Jerri creeps up to survey the scene. She looks around to make sure no one is watching. When she's sure the coast is clear she's bares her fangs, digs them into her own wrist, and offers her bloody nectar to Rob's lips. You see, she thwacked Rob on the head. As Queen Of The Vampire People (seriously, she never ages), she's in charge of keeping them filled with the bloody goodness that gives them the strength to march on and win challenges. Rob was getting dangerously low and this was the only way she could think to keep him fed without rousing suspicion.

When Jerri sees the color return to Rob's cheeks (ass cheeks), she summons Probst and his funny talking medics. Jeff immediately looks at Jerri suspiciously. She glamours him into submission by flashing him her boobs and then slowly creeps back to the safety of a heavily wooded jungle. The Survivor medical team give Rob the once over and declare that, while he may look a little creepy, he's actually fine. They try to feed him water, but with the taste of blood on his lips he violently rejects it and sprays it all over Probst's head. Probst just blushes and giggles. Oh that Boston Rob... he's such a cut up! It doesn't take long for the Maneater's blood to work it's way through Rob's body and take effect. In a matter of seconds he can feel the evil coursing through his veins again. It's hot and gooey and the warmth quickly takes hold of him beckoning him back to the Dark Side. He sits up, takes a look around with his vampire eyes, and announces, "I'm gonna win this game." Jeff Probst is delighted! Jerri, watching in the distance like a panther, smiles. Her job here is done. She creeps back to Camp where no one is the wiser.

Rob, on the other hand, is a little confused. He's quite sure he's just undergone some spiritual awakening... albeit one that told him evil was the way to go. He's convinced that "good" is like a big ole batch of swine flu or herpes or something. It's bad news whatever it is. It makes you care, it makes you worry, it makes you second guess yourself... basically, it makes you a big pussy. "No more!", he declares. He swears off goodness like it's a bad meth addiction, wipes away his pussy crybabyitis tears, and marches back to camp full of devil thoughts and all sorts of malicious damnation. The Villains are thrilled to have their leader back. Even Lucifer breathes a big fiery sigh of relief. They've got a challenge to win now. Oh it's on bitches!

Both teams arrive at the big Immunity/Reward Challenge. The Heroes enter with their long flowing bouncy hair and sparkly eyes while the Villains march in clutching their pitchforks and frothing at the mouth. I'm quite sure someone will leave this challenge infected with Rabies and I'm kind of hoping it's Galumpy (nee Amanda).

Ok so the tribes are instructed to race out in pairs to retrieve some big ginormous crates. They have to roll the square crates back, stack them up into stairs correctly, climb to the top, and perform the Macarena. The first team to complete it all wins Immunity and a tarp, rope, and some nails (clearly for a future crucifixion - again, I hope it's Galumpy). Since that bitch Splenda is gone both tribes have to sit out some players. The Villains sit out Old Man River and Anorexic Alice while the Heroes sit out Grizzly Adams. The Heroes actually wanted to sit out someone strong, but Rupert bellowed and volunteered before anyone could make a decision. He cites his toe as the problem, but I think he simply had some more eating to do that day. You see, a Grizzly is never unprepared. He had a date planned with some more of that succulent popcorn coconut he stashed in his pocket and he wasn't about to miss it.

The teams have a minute to strategize. Over on the Heroes side, James decides for everyone that JT is the only voice they will all listen to. He did this Challenge years ago and clearly, he must have all the answers. No one else is allowed to speak except for JT. If anyone else speaks, James will personally dig their grave for them. Survivors ready, GO!

Immediately, the Heroes get a substantial lead staying about a crate ahead of the Villains. The Heroes roll those crates like they're soft and fluffy clouds while the Villains are sweating, grimacing, huffing, puffing, and smacking themselves in the head with the hard wooden corners. Parvati at one point took a particularly painful blow right to her eye. Like any good Villain, she snarled and kept on trucking. Rupert, on the sidelines, whooped it up beaming from ear to ear with popcorn stuck in his teeth. In response, Tyson spit at him and threatened to roll the crate over his toe. That boy really wants Toe Fritters for dinner one night and he'll do anything to make it happen.

The Heroes advance to the puzzle solving portion and this is where all hell breaks loose. It was like the Tower Of Babel or something. Galumpy started whining in Mandarin, Stephenie grunted in Swahili, Candice murmured something in French while JT simply tried to shout instructions in English. The only person who could understand JT was James so he began shouting in English too. The only problem is the rest of the tribe no longer spoke English. It was God's divine plan to give the world hundreds of languages and isn't this just a bitch that He decided to do it right here, right now?

The Villains, on other hand, don't have a biblical bone in their bodies so they happily continued to speak their Ancient Enochian (the Devil's language) and let the new more eviler Boston Rob be their leader. Pumped with adrenaline and Jerri's blood, the Villains lifted massive crate after massive crate while over on the Heroes side James ran around kicking everyone in the shins for not listening to JT. After sweating vampire blood and working together VILLAINS WIN IMMUNITY!!! *throws confetti in air and dunks head in vat of gin*

The Heroes all just stood there staring at the ground scared that James was going to get his grave shovel or something. As soon as the Challenge ended they found their ability to speak proper English again yet no one really felt up to using it. All of a sudden, Rupert comes marching over bellowing that the Villains are great at puzzles and that Rob pulled his team together by yelling at them. JT moaned that he doesn't like to yell. He rather just do the telepathy thing if he can. James, on the other hand, exploded into a rant that consisted of two words, "One voice! One voice! One voice!" But but but James, what if that one voice is a timid country boy who really doesn't know what the hell he's doing? I had a feeling Stephenie wanted to ask James the same question, but she's so damn scared to speak her mind that all she could do was stand there while James continued to unleash into his "One voice!" rant while pointing at her with blame.

The Villains guffawed at their lame counterparts and skipped happily back to their camp where we were treated to festive beach cabana music and a scene where Lucifer stabbed a wild chicken in the heart. I held my teddy bear close in that magic moment. There's nothing like a fat little hairy troll running in the jungle with a pitchfork in his hand to make your night all but perfect. Actually, I'm thinking the little note I got from one of this year's Villain's contributed a little teeny tiny bit to the perfection that was my night, but I digress. The Villain's broke out the streamers while Boston Rob offered a giant gooey clam to Jerri as thanks for her evil potion. It was merriment personified. Lovely!

All was not so lovely over at the Heroes camp. James is on a mission and that mission is "Get Stephenie Out". He's convinced that she is somehow responsible for every single tribe loss she's ever had in the game of Survivor. Perhaps it's her super thin eyebrows. I'm not sure. All I know is James preaching to his tiny band of merry listeners reminded me of that scene in House Of The Spirits (Thanks Rory!) where Pedro (Antonio Banderas) is preaching revolution to the small unhappy group of ranch workers. James is so Pedro and I'm thinking JT is the Winona Ryder character maybe. James' weird obsession with JT is hot and passionate much like a romance, don't you think?

Anyhow, things are getting complicated for the Heroes. Colby, Tom, & Stephenie are an alliance and James, Rupert, & Galumpy are an alliance. That leaves JT and C+C Music Factory (Cirie and Candice) left to decide with how they'll swing. Will they vote out Stephenie or Galumpy? Sully (Tom) makes a pitch to C+C Music Factory to join his alliance. He guarantees he'll keep them safe until James' alliance is all gone. Sounds good to me. I'm in. Anything that gets Galumpy off this show fast and furious is alright with me. C+C Music Factory is skeptical though. They only had one hit in the 90's and, while they're staging a comeback, they want to tread lightly.

And we arrive at Tribal Council. The Heroes have definitely lost their sparkle and Probst wastes no time pointing fingers and telling them that the Villains took them to the cleaners... again! He asks James why he's so mad and this is where the real fun begins. James goes off on his "one voice" rant again claiming that Stephenie is at fault for all the ills of society. She's the reason that guy flew his plane into a bulding in Austin and she's the reason Johnny Weir didn't get a medal. Everything is Stephenie's fault. He calls her out by name, points at her, draws a diagram of her highlighting her super skinny eyebrows yet, in the same breath, claims he's not talking about her. You see, here's what's really going on. Back in that very first Reward challenge for fire. Tyson, the little rascal, bit James on the leg during their tussle thus infecting heroic James with his evil Villain poison. The poison is beginning to take effect and it's making James all crazy inside and losing his mind like a man who drank too much Absinthe or is going mad with Syphilis. I'm not sure, but that poision is like acid eating away at all his inner goodness. The Heroes are clueless that this is what's really going on, but I know better. I saw the previews for next week. My poison theory sets me up perfectly so I'm rolling with it.

Captain Sully comes flying in on the wings of his plane to protect Stephenie and her eyebrows, but James is having none of it. They fight over the word "Y'all" and Sully backs out gracefully saying, "I don't live in your world." Dude, no one lives in James' world! He's in the middle of having his brain fried right now and I'm half expecting him to start clawing away at his own skin any second. He'll be like that guy in Poltergeist who saw the chicken covered in maggots in the sink and then clawed off his own face. That scene petrified me as a child and it's scaring the bejesus out of me now.

Dimples Probst goes on to ask C+C Music Factory how they'll vote and if they'll stay loyal to former alliances. Cirie says she has no love for Galumpy because not only did Galumpy choose Parvati over her, but she also lip synched her part of their big hit 'Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)'. That pissed her off something fierce and got her into a heap of legal trouble so who knows how she'll vote tonight? Probst nods and smiles. He loved that song way back when. He gets lost in his own thoughts for a while, but finally manages to tell all these bitches to vote.

Time to read the votes: STEPHENIE, GALUMPY (!), STEPHENIE, GALUMPY (Woohoo!), STEPHENIE, GALUMPY (*begins to pour champagne*), STEPHENIE... the second person voted out of Survivor Heroes V. Villains is STEPHENIE. Oh hell to the no! No no no no no no! Jeff, I demand a recount. Seriously, recount those bitches right now cuz I'm not having this. *sigh* It turns out no matter how many times Jeff recounts those votes, my nightmare remains. Galumpy is still in this damn game. Stephenie reluctantly rises to have Jeff snuff her out, but not before turning around and addressing her tribe. She says, "Next time y'all lose a challenge a little less cursing at your own tribe." James growls and says through glassy yellow eyes, "Keep your mouth shut." *bites fist* Sully jumps in to Stephenie's defense, but James just backhands him with his fist. I think Sully is dead, but who cares? James is going off the deep end! Yes!

So bitches, what did you think of last night's episode? Are you pleased with Stephenie gone? Didn't you think that maybe she did something that didn't get aired to piss everyone off? I can't understand why some of the Heroes hated her so much. If you were Team Hero last week, are you still Team Hero this week? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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