Friday, March 5, 2010

He's Like The Hobbit... On Crack

Sometimes it only takes a change in the wind to make something so pristine, so beautiful, so innocent turn into a festering pus riddled sore of stench and filth...
Mike Brady was thrilled. His architectural firm was sending him to Hawaii to check on the structural soundness of one of it's new buildings. A trip to Hawaii doesn't come along everyday you know. What a perfect opportunity to take the whole family (and Alice) on vacation! Sun, swimming, sand, surf, sex in a giant metal cage constructed by The Others with Jack watching from an underground lair... how could it not be a fabulous time!? The opportunity for perfection and drunken mai tai filled debauched nights hung languidly in the dew filled air. It's not like anything could go wrong. I mean, come on, this is paradise we're talking about here. This is the place where tsunamis refuse to come. It's not like Bobby is going to unearth a cursed tiki idol causing Greg to break his face in a surfing accident and almost drown. No way. Alice threw her back out during that hula class because she's old and decrepit not because she was wearing a cursed idol around her neck. Tiki idols are good luck I think. I'm almost positive someone hot and breathy whispered that into my ear one night behind the Roxy with my skirt hiked up around my waist and Sisters Of Mercy playing somewhere in the distance. Idols bring you friends and immunity. Yes, I'm sure I heard that somewhere. Let's recap, shall we?

It's night. The wind is blowing making the trees sway and rustle flirtatiously in the moonlight. The sky obscenely filled with stars hangs overhead and yet we know... we know that something isn't quite right. Somewhere deep in the jungle a dragon slayer, nee a man, weeps. His head in his hands, his shoulders convulsing, the feathers in his hair blowing gently from side to side... what could he possibly have to cry about on such a night? Well, I tell you. Mr. Last Of The Mohicans is a broken little bitch boy because the big bad wolf known as Sandra dared to say his name at Tribal Council. She called him lazy or something and now he wants his mommy, a fluffy pillow, and a nice cup of hot cocoa to soothe his nerves. Tyson, a reptilian alien disguised as a Mormon, patiently listens to Coach's woes and offers up some pearls of wisdom. "Stop wearing feathers in your hair! Stop telling your stories! Stop doing Tai Chi where everyone can see you!", he decrees. In response, Coach simply gazes forlornly at the inky waters of the night ocean. He ponders diving in and swimming away. He could swim for days if he really put his mind to it. He could swim all the way back to California, back home, back to the place where the locals are actually in awe of the tales he has to tell. In Anaheim, they appreciate a good feather in your hair. Why, in Laguna, they encourage Tai Chi on the beach. He closes his eyes and thinks to himself, "Calgon, take me back to the O.C." Tyson, a little perturbed that his friend has gone off the deep end, wraps his long lanky arms around Coach and promises to help him through whatever emotional blockage he's experiencing right now. He slips some Midol into Coach's canteen and the two slowly make their way back to camp. They'll sleep this one off because, after all, things could look quite different in the morning.

And things do look different. The sun is out, the birds are chirping, Lucifer (Russell Hantz) is picking god knows what out of his belly button... why, it's almost as if everything is back to normal. Coach decides a morning walk along the beach is a good idea so off he goes. Tyson, scared his human shell could melt off in the heat and reveal his amphibious underskin, trots over to Boston Rob and tells him how Coach was a little down last night mumbling things about bubble baths and Disneyland. Rob is unimpressed and declares that Coach really isn't that much of a Coach after all. In the spirit of sportsmanship though he decides to have a one on one with Coach and make sure he has enough tampons to make it through the day.

Rob finds Coach nestled at the base of a banana tree. His eyes are closed, he's braiding tiny little braids into his own hair, and he's mumbling something incomprehensible. With all the delicacy of a Mack truck, Rob kicks Coach in the thigh and says, "Hey, we need to talk." Coach looks up, sighs, and begins to diagram the emotional roller coaster he's been on for the past 12 hours. He was happy, he was sad, he was defiant, he was brave, he was stoic, he was battered, he was embarrassed, he was confused... the list goes on and on, but basically it comes down to this: "Well all day long at school I hear how great Marcia is at this or how wonderful Marcia did that! Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!" Rob yanks Coach up by his braids and tells him to stop acting like such a pussy boy and start acting like a man for crying out loud. I don't know how and I don't know why, but Coach actually listened. They hug it out and the dragon slayer is back. He's King Arthur. He's Braveheart. He's Harry Potter. He's back bitches... the legend is back.

Now we arrive at the Reward Challenge. Teams were actually given a Sears catalog beforehand where they could do some shopping for prizes. Galumpy (Amanda) had scoured the pages for hours looking for a personality, but none was to be had. On the Villains side Coach has his eye on a hair straightener so he's particularly pumped and excited to play. Anyhow, they're all at the challenge and it's set up like Wheel Of Fortune from yesteryear. All the Sears wares are laid out on the beach for the winning team to choose their prizes. Teams have to rub baby oil all over themselves, slide down a slip-n-slide, grab a numbered ball, make sure Danielle's boobs don't pop, then toss the ball into a net. First team to four wins. Survivors ready, go!

First up is Coach and Sully (Tom). Coach is sick of this jungle frizz and he's taking no prisoners. They slide down the slide where Sully is all too careful not to tip his wings. Coach shoots and scores and the Villains are in the lead 1-0. Next up is Lucifer and Cirie. Lucifer greased up is like... well, it's like heaven on earth I tell you. His tubby little body flailing wildly down the slide was a vision to say the least. Cirie couldn't even manage to get her fat ass to the end so Lucifer shoots and scores and the Villains are ahead 2-0. The next few rounds the Heroes begin to get their mojo and actually score. The tension is palpable as we find ourselves with a 3-3 tie. It all comes down to Tyson and Colby. Tyson, the bag of bones alien, versus Colby, the all American golden boy. They fly down the slide grabbing all the colored balls swinging in their faces. Colby is in heaven. Tyson just wants to finish before his human skin starts rubbing off. They're shooting ball after ball into the baskets never managing to get one in. Then, just as his tail starts to peep out of his teeny tiny bathing suit, Tyson shoots and scores! VILLAINS WIN REWARD!!! As there is no electricity back at camp, Coach is denied his hair straightener and the Villains decide to go with a tool box and some tarp instead.

Back at Dante's Inferno, it's time to celebrate! The Villains, wide-eyed and victorious, all gather around their shiny new tool box filled with Black & Decker and all sorts of exciting metallic new ways to kill a chicken. Lucifer's eyes are immediately drawn to a serated blade. He fingers it lovingly thinking of all the places he could bury it deep in the sand when all of a sudden a tiny scroll shoots out the end of it and lands smack dab in the middle of the toolbox. The scroll is essentially waving it's arms shouting, "Look at me! Look at me!" Lucifer tries to jedi mind trick everyone into ignoring it, but there are too many eyes to glamour at once. Boston Rob, clearly imune to anything Lucifer has to offer, bends over and retrieves the sparkly scroll. He reads it aloud to the entire group outlining a very detailed clue to finding the Immunity Idol. Lucifer stands in stunned silence. He can't believe Bobby found the clue before he did. It's only a matter of minutes before Greg and Peter try to steal it and use it for picking up groovy chicks or something.

Lucifer begins to shift uncomfortably back and forth. If there's an Idol anywhere within 50 yards of him he gets an instantaneous urge to tinkle and search or maybe it's search and tinkle... I'm not sure. In the midst of Lucifer's panic attack, Sandra announces that they should find the Idol then throw it into the ocean. Horrible idea! They should return it the cave from whence it originated so Vincent Price can bury it properly. Don't they know anything?! Rob, having watched the Brady Bunch several times, decides no one should look for the Tiki Idol. They should just leave it be. Bad things happen when that thing is unearthed. Just ask Alice. Her back hasn't been the same since. The group, save Lucifer, collectively decides that if anyone goes after the Tiki Idol, they're marked for elimination. Lucifer thinks they're all idiots and decides to go after the Idol anyways. He wants that power. He needs it and no dummy nowhere can tell him otherwise.

With all the Idol hoopla done with, the Villains get going on building a new shelter. They're nailing tarp to trees, weaving giant leaves into a fancy canopy, making tree house slides out of bamboo.. oh wait, maybe I'm thinking of the shelter in the Blue Lagoon... That Christopher Atkins was some contractor, let me tell you. He built a split level beach front condo out of nothing but love and branches. Magic! Anyhow, the Villains are supposed to be busy working together and getting shit done for once in their lives when Lucifer announces to the whole tribe, "I'm going for a walk." You. Fucking. Idiot. Why not tattoo on your giant belly, "Imma gonna find the idol you doh doh's!"? Seriously, he's a moron. Immediately Boston Rob knows what Lucifer is up to so he sends Sandra on a reconaissance mission. Sandra rubs some mud on her face, straps on a camouflage thing that looks like a bush, and proceeds to crawl on her belly like a crab to spy on Lucifer. Guess what she sees? Yup, Lucifer searching high and low for the Immunity Idol. She mutters to herself, "He's a stupid ass" and goes back to report her findings to Lieutenant Dan errrr, I mean, Rob. Rob is pissed. He's the boss around here and no one, I mean no one, defies him. Lucifer's fate has been sealed. His ass is gone the next time they go to Tribal Council and so the legend of the cursed Tiki Idol lives on... the Brady's were right. That thing is bad news.

Over at Camp Thunderbird, the Heroes are readying themselves to make a nice cup of javalicious goodness for everyone. Colby is jonesing for a half caf no foam skim latte so they fire up the Espresso machines and prepare to brew. Sully opens the coffee bean jar to discover something is amiss. A tiny yellowing piece of paper is peeking out begging to be plucked. For some reason, it's read aloud to everyone in the camp. The Hereoes, unlike the Villains, adopt an "every man for himself" approach. They all drop whatever it is they're doing and scatter along the beach to find the Idol. Colby never did get his half caf no foam skim latte that day and that gave him a stinky case of the sads.

JT is annoyed the clue was read out loud to everyone. He thinks that wasn't supposed to happen. He thinks only one person was supposed to find it and read it so he goes off to find that giant underground wheel that Ben Linus turned. He figures if he could go back in time he can get the clue for himself and not share it with anyone else. Meanwhile Galumpy, James, and Sully are frantically digging up sand anywhere near a tree. Sully quietly finds the Idol and with the swift agility of a rickety 70 year old he slides it into his sock. Of course Galumpy sees it. It's what she does next that makes no sense. You see, Galumpy doesn't know how to think for herself. She wouldn't know what to do with a valuable piece of information if it sat on her face and wriggled around. In true Galumpy fashion, she runs to JT and Candice and tells them that Sully has the Idol. As Galumpy has about as much grace and delicacy as an angry hippo, Sully is very aware she knows about the Idol. He tells Colby and JT what's up in the hizzy. Colby is thrilled. He sees this as a light at the end of a long and dark coffeeless tunnel. Maybe, just maybe, the Idol on the Heroes isn't cursed like the one on the Villains side. We'll have to just wait and see.

This brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. I'd be lying if I didn't say I lit up when I saw the 2 huge balls. Ok, that sounded vaguely dirty... nevertheless, I love this challenge because it's the one that took out Dreads last season and if you're a long time reader of my blogs you know I couldn't stand that guy. So, one person gets into the giant ball and guides 2 blindfolded people to a table maze. At the maze some more blindfolded people will be guided into maneuvering the ball into the hole. It's all very Eyes Wide Shut and vaguely sexual. Survivors ready, go!

Boston Rob is guiding for the Villains and Sully is guiding for the Heroes (makes sense... a pilot should be good at guiding large objects). Immediately the challenge starts off vastly different from last season's. Rob and Sully are detailed, measured, and thorough. There's no wild crazy shouting and no cheering from the sidelines. It was in this moment that I felt very Lucifer-like. It was a pleasure to watch some real pros play this game. I licked some gin off my leprechaun and sat back to enjoy the challenge.

The Villains arrive at the table maze first and, again, there's no frantic hysteria. It's almost unsettling how calm and focused Rob is. Seriously, my heart was in my throat knowing that the Heroes were fast approaching. I would have been clutching my pearls and shrieking at the top of my lungs had I been there I'm sure. The Heroes reach the table maze and both teams are performing quite well. They're listening to their leaders. It's was the "one voice" scenario that James has dreamt about all along. The challenge literally came down to a matter of inches. Both balls sliding back and forth dangerously close to the hole... I was on the edge of my seat... and VILLAINS WIN IMMUNITY!!! *pours glitter down the front of my dress* Woohoo! I sat back exhausted and lit up a cigarette. God, I love this show.

Over at Camp Rock, the Jonas Brothers are bummed. It wasn't supposed to go down like that. Sully, fearing for his life, begins apologizing profusely for all of his shortcomings. He was the shot caller and they lost so... it kind of makes that crash landing all his fault. No wonder he's retiring. In the midst of Sully beating himself up, C+C Music Factory (Candice & Cirie) have a meeting of the minds. They think that now is perfect time to make that comeback they've been pushing for. With Lady Gaga taking over the charts with her poppy dance songs, surely there's a market for C+C Music Factory again. They just need to brainstorm and figure out the perfect sample to steal. They agree that they'll push for a tie vote at Tribal Council. 3 for Colby, 3 for Sully. If Sully uses his Idol, then Colby stills goes and spandex has a chance of coming back into style and nothing, absolutely nothing, can possibly go wrong.

Cut to a shot of a swarm of insects nibbling away at a rotting piece of clam. If that's not foreshadowing, I don't know what is. You gotta love the Survivor editors. OK so JT has plans of his own. He wants Candice out. You see, he's always had plans to enter the music industry and if he can split up C+C Music Factory then he might just have a chance. Also, Sully has that Idol and it might not be a bad idea to team up with a dude who has Immunity. JT, Galumpy, James and Sully all decide that Candice can't be trusted. If they all vote to get rid of her, the bitch will be gone and they can go on to win some challenges. I mean, that's how it was supposed to work out. It should have been all figured out and tied up with a pretty bow until fucking Galumpy had to ruin everything.

Galumpy, riddled with awkwardness and insecurity, runs to Cirie and tells her the entire plan to oust Candice. Cirie flips her lid calling them all morons. Don't they know she just got a new weave for their next music video? She's appalled at how wishy washy everyone is. Actually Cirie, the only wishy washy one is Galumpy. Everyone else may not agree with you, but they kind of know what they want. It's Galumpy who keeps fucking it up for everyone. Why can't anyone else see this? Get rid of Galumpy and people's secrets might actually have a chance at being kept. So Cirie is freaking out and Galumpy just stands there clutching her elbows wondering where to look. Don't look to her to make a decision because you'll be waiting til the end of fucking time for that to happen. Luckily, JT just happened to be eavesdropping on the whole pathetic scene so he runs back to Sully and Colby to deliver the bad news. The jig is up. It's gonna take a Miracle On The Hudson to save them now.

This brings us to Tribal Council. The Heroes are all sadlike and their capes are getting dirtier as the days go on. Dimples asks Rupert what he thinks about all this losing his tribe is doing. Rupert bellows, "Sitting here at Tribal Council sucks!" Uh yeah, no shit Sherlock. Dimples is unphased and presses him for more info. How will he vote tonight? Will he vote for the betterment of the tribe or will he vote with his alliance? Rupert says he gave his word to someone way back when words meant something so he's gonna stick with that. To hell with the game. That "outwit" thing on the big Survivor sign was probably just a lie anyways, right? Dimples' jaw hits the ground and he starts hurling empty coconut shells at Rupert's head.

Next Dimples asks Cirie if she's worried. She says she is and Sully shouts, "Liar!". He doesn't think she's worried at all. Colby, not getting enough attention, whimpers sadly in the corner mumbling something about he how thinks he's going home tonight. James interrupts him and declares, "I want food. I want prizes. Me want win now." Uh ok, thanks for that James. The poison in his blood is clearly making him insane at this point. Enough jibber jabber, it's time to vote bitches.

If anyone has the cursed Tiki Idol and wants to give it to Jeff to pass on to Vincent Price hiding away in his cave, do it now or forever hold your piece. Sully jumps up triumphantly and plays the Idol. "Alrighhhhht", I thought to myself in my best McConaughey impression. This is gonna be good. Let's read the votes. Remember, any votes for Sully don't count. Here we go... SULLY, SULLY, SULLY, COLBY, COLBY, CIRIE, CIRIE, CIRIE... the 4th person voted out of Survivor Heroes V. Villains is CIRIE. Yes! I don't know why, but I was really rooting for Colby there. I think it's my hate for Galumpy that makes me side with anyone who's not playing with her so yeah I totally whooped it up when Colby got to stay.

What did you guys think of last night's episode? Did you want Colby to stay too? Technically Coach has a penis, but is he still a man? Is Lucifer's fate pretty much sealed at this point? Can he pull something magical out of his ass and save himself? Do you think we'll get multiply Idols again this season? Will Jan ever be as cool as Marcia? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

A quick word on comments: Everyone is encouraged to comment. In fact, I love hearing what you guys think. Disagree me, agree with me, call me a dirty whore (I like it), I don't care. One thing I absolutely will not stand for though is when people try to slip in advertisements or plugs for their own blogs into my comments. Look bitches, I worked too long and hard to be handing out free publicity to new blogs. If you want a plug, do it the right way. Contact me and inquire about a link exchange. Nothing comes free bitches. You gotta work. RuPaul said that I think. Anyhow, all advertisements and blog plugs will be deleted so don't waste your time.

I leave you with a fond memory of what C+C Music Factory once was... everbody dance now. Please to enjoy: