Friday, March 12, 2010

All Mass No Class

Chocolate. The cradle of life. Nectar of the gods. Back in the olden timey days the Aztecs used to drink it before ripping out the hearts of their human sacrifices and hurling the bodies into a giant pit of fire. One hell of a party if you ask me. They called it "bitter water". That must be a misspelling cuz it should be called "better water". It melts on your tongue, sends all sorts of pleasure-y feelings to your brain, fights fatigue, reduces free radicals, and was even used as currency at one point. Needless to say, it baffles me how someone can turn down this decadent treat. You never know when it'll be injected with Human Growth Hormone or magical fairy dust leading a tribe of banshees to decimate a tribe of pussies. Let's recap, shall we?

The scene opens with our Heroes divided. Half are inhaling deeply sauntering this way and that proudly displaying their pumped up chests while the other half are deflated and hairy kicking rocks and weeping into the sand. You see, Cirie is gone and some people like it and some people don't. Colby, for one, likes it. Oh yes, he likes it something fierce. He lives to see another day in this hell on Earth and now he's got JT to moon over and thank. JT, the shiny golden boy with the McConnaughey drawl and aww shucks swagger. He's won this game before and doggonit if he isn't gonna wishy-washy himself into another victory. Colby, blissfully unaware of JT's indecisive nature, doesn't care. He's in awe of JT. JT is the reason cavemen chiseled on walls and now... he has to draw him. Colby takes JT's hand and sits him down gently next to a burbling brook. With a large piece of chalk in his hand and a cockeyed beret on his head he furiously sketches a naked JT lying languidly in the moonlight. It'll make you sigh just to think about it. Good times, noodle salad.

(Still from the film Raise The Red Lantern)

Over on the Villains side they've shed their tears... well errm Coach did... and it's a new day. After a breakfast of Maneater Manthey blood sausage they skipped to the beach, yoga mats in tow, to engage in some Dragon Slayer Ch'i. Ch'i, the life force that runs freely when your furniture is arranged just so. Our Dragon Slayer has harnessed this power and now he wants to pass it on to his subjects. A Chinese bamboo flute sounds in the distance, a red lantern appears (someone's gonna get lucky tonight!), and the healing meditation begins. Whatever you do don't call it yoga and don't call it Tai Ch'i. This is Dragon Slayer Ch'i, italics and all. It consists of standing awkwardly, flexing your knuckles and toes, and singing off key. It's very powerful and beautiful mystical fairies, as well as healthy doses of self esteem, have been known to fall down dead under it's power.

One lone rebel shuns the Ch'i. It's Lucifer (Russell Hantz). He's decided to wear his "Imma Go Find The Idol" t-shirt and do some digging. Not 20 yards away from the group meditating on the beach, Lucifer is ferociously digging in the sand. He's halfway to China by now. Just before he's about to strike oil he looks over his shoulder and what do you think he sees? The Idol - perched up against a bush not buried in the sand at all. It's just kinda sitting there chewing on a piece of straw and kicking back in the shade. "What took you so fucking long?", it says. Lucifer just smiles his toothless grin and announces that Boston Rob is no longer running this tribe. Little does Lucifer know that somewhere out in Malibu Vincent Price was rolling in his grave. The Tiki Idol has been unearthed and no one is left to rebury it properly. Peter's married to that ignorant horrific excuse for a woman, Marcia is busy spreading lesbo rumors and trying to sing country, and I'm quite sure the last time I saw Cindy she was smoking meth under a bridge somewhere. This is bad. This is real bad. The power of the Tiki isn't something you fuck with. Last season it was cute and cuddly. This season it's covered in bile and looking to rumble. *shivers*

This brings us to the big Reward Challenge. It's menacing in stature, surrounded by rough scratchy nets, and looks like a place Spartacus would hang out in. Awesome. Three members of each tribe will battle to retrieve balls in a pit. *giggles cuz I'm so mature* They will then toss them to their tribemates up on a platform who will attempt to shoot the balls into a basket. First tribe to score two points wins reward. Wanna know what the reward is? It's something that Oompah Loompah's sing to and Juliette Binoche prepares with love. It's chocolate bitches! Chocolate bars, chocolate cake, chocolate cookies, chocolate milk, chocolate clams... Sweet, sultry, decadent chocolate. You can dip fruit in it, lick it off of someone's chest, or simply gorge yourself on it when that bastard you've been seeing neglects to call you the next day. It's good for all occasions really.

Probst especially loves chocolate and he's got it smeared all over his face and stuck in his dimples all adorable-like. He licks his fingers with wild abandon and offers the Survivors a little taste to get them in the mood. Colby, anxious to get back to sketching JT, refuses the delicious morsel and stands gruffly arms folded over his chest. Homeboy doesn't need chocolate to win. All he needs is a whiff of JT Musk to get him going. Dimples is hurt. He's down right offended dammit. Why on earth would Colby refuse his delicious chocolate offering? It was offered in love and friendship so why, oh why, doth Colby refuse it? "Colby", Jeff asks, "Why do you give my chocolate nummies the stink eye?" Colby responds, "They're annoying and trix are for kids. Can we just start the challenge already bubble butt?". Jeff replies, "No! Fuck off Donaldson. We'll start when I'm good and ready to start brother." Buuuuurrrn. Colby just got served. *flashes gang sign to Probst* Keep your pimp hand strong brotha!

Big old hairy stinky Rupert chimes in to say that they don't need to win the Reward. They just want to win. Ummm that kind of makes no sense. If you win, you win the Reward you unkempt mountain man who probably stinks like a mixture of cumin and bleu cheese. Gross. Seriously, that last sentence just gave me the dry heaves. Alright enough bullshitting. Let's start the Challenge. Can you believe it? After all that trash talk and refusing of the chocolate, Colby sits out the game. What a tool. For the Villains Danielle, Tyson, and Lucifer are in the pit and for the Heroes it's Candice, James, and Sully (Tom). Survivors ready, go!

(Spartacus: Blood and Sand - best new show on TV)

I've watched this twice and it's literally just a mass of hair, body parts, and balls so I choose to recap it thusly: Batiatus handpicks Spartacus and Crixus to fight the Shadow Of Death, Theokoles. Spartacus is thrilled as it brings him one step closer to reuniting with Lucretia and making some more hot monkey love with her. Doctore, on the other hand, knows the legend of Theokoles. He's been in the ring with him and narrowly escaped with his head still attached. Swords get wielded, veins get sliced, a ball flies through the air to James and down the brick house goes. Kaboom! James shakes it off and tries to walk back to his starting position, but his knee in not so many words says, "No way you jack off. I'm staying right here." Uh oh... someone get a medic - preferably one with a funny accent.

The medical team comes sweeping in where they help James to his feet. He insists he's in no pain and decides to try to walk it off. Mr. Knee disagrees and takes off to the West for a little vacay and margaritas. Once Mr. Knee makes a decision to party in Panama City for Spring Break there's no changing his mind. He's got drunk sorority girls and wet t-shirt contests on his mind so Mr. Knee is of no use to anyone right about now... especially James. The Medic has no choice but to pull James from the Reward Challenge. JT is gutted. Tom is thrilled. Colby, on the other hand, simply doesn't want James sitting anywhere near him on the sidelines. You see, Colby calls James "Dark Chocolate" sometimes and seeing as today he's shunning all things chocolate, James is unwanted and icky-like. The Villains just chuckle to themselves. The strongest man on the Heroes just got hurt... that's HUGE. That's divinity. That's what happens when you sacrifice a goat and drink it's blood under the full moon.

We resume play and like all challenges in Survivor it comes down to a nail biter of a tie breaker. Rob carries JT across the full length of the ring, Galumpy grows a penis (seriously, look at that picture), and Rupert gets so mad at the thought of his empowerment seminars not working that he grabs Jerri by the hair and slams her face first into a wooden post. Ouch. Her head snaps back, she falls to the ground, Rob tackles Rupert against a post, Jeff shouts to stop the game, and Rupert feigns innocence shouting, "I did not mean to do that!" Yeah right Grizzly. Cheater. How dare you anger the Vampire Queen! Don't you know that this will come back to haunt you? I don't know how and I don't know when, but the Maneater always gets her revenge. I took a pinch of glitter from my giant vat and blew it into the air. Everything you put out into the world comes back threefold. I learned that by watching The Craft. My glitter will triple and Jerri will get her revenge which probably includes dismemberment or something. Yes!

Like all vampires, Jerri heals herself and returns to the game nary a scratch on her. In the end, Rupert got what was coming to him and VILLAINS WIN REWARD!!! Nanny nanny boo boo stick your head in doo doo. Suck it Heroes. They should have eaten the chocolate. That's all I'm gonna say. Clearly, it was injected with Human Growth Hormone beforehand. How else do you explain the Villains winning a physical challenge? OK so off the Villains go to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Lucifer fell into the river and got stuck in a pipe. Parvati chewed gum she wasn't supposed to and turned into a blueberry. Meanwhile all the other good children were bathing in the water hole discussing how to get rid of Augustus Gloop. He's spent the past two days searching high and low for the Idol and they can't have that sort of dissension in their tribe. He will be sacrficed as soon as possible.

Meanwhile over in the chocolate tent of decadent delectables, Lucifer and Parvati are feeding each other bon bons and drinking milk out of champagne flutes. It's here that Lucifer rubs his little hands together and comes up with a plan. He's going to use his Idol to win friends and influence people. He tells Parvati he's found the Idol and will use it to protect her. She's thrilled and giggles that throaty laugh of hers. Lucifer goes on to tell her that all she has to do now is sit back and ride his coattails to the end. Oh hell no. Parvati don't play that. Can Russell be anymore obvious? What he just did in that instance was try to set Parvati up to be the Natalie of Survivor 20. You see, when this filmed he probably thought he had 19 in the bag. I'm betting he assumed that being a coattail rider would not result in a victory. Kudos to Parvati for putting him in his place and telling the little troll she doesn't need to ride coattails in order to win. In the end, they decide together to bring Coach into their little Idol Club as well.

Lucifer pulls Coach aside and spills the beans about having the Idol. Coach is caught in a state of shock. He's stuck between wanting to cry an ocean of tears for being brought into the little group and wrestling with his loyalty to Rob and Tyson. What's a Coach to do? The one thing he values most in life literally just fucked him up the ass and sat on his face at the same time. That one thing is Loyalty. He begs for it, he yearns to lie next to it, he searches through jungles and wrestles with Amazonians to find it. Now... now he has a choice to make. Does he stay loyal to his merry band of thieves or does he make a pledge to this tiny fat man who has just laid loyalty at Coach's feet? What a conundrum! I've got to hand it to Lucifer. He plays it beautifully. He gazes up into Coach's eyes and swears on his life that Honor, Trust, and Loyalty are his middle names. He'll fight to the death in order to keep his word. Stick with him and they'll ride gaily off into the sunset to rescue fair maidens from towers and drink wine out of goblets or horns or some shit like that. Coach, overcome with euphoria, falls to his knees and begs to be knighted by this new millienium King Arthur. It was in this moment that we knew. We finally had our confirmation. Coach is 100%, no doubt about it - no questions asked, a bona fide pussy.

Meanwhile back at Camp Poppycock, Galumpy (Amanda) is drowning in sads. Her big strong protector is injured and all she can do is cry, wrist bang, and hang her thorazine drip over the branch of a tree. On the beach she clutches her long gangly legs and rocks back and forth wiping snot all over her knees. Cirie is gone, James is hurt, and the other day she found a penis in her bikini bottoms... oh woe is Galumpy. Her world is collapsing all around her and there just aren't enough elbows to grib uncomfortably to get through it. Boo fucking hoo. She left her brain at the dry cleaners before she came to Samoa so she'll be absolutely lost without James to tell her what to do. Sully, on the other hand, is thrilled. Annie Wilkes hobbled the giant James and Sully can't wait to pen her a thank you letter. He knows Annie from high school so he paid her in Danielle Steele novels to come to Samoa and hobble the giant whose skin is darker than his own. Unfortunately for Sully, it takes a lot more than a hobbling to take down James. James returns to camp with a makeshift brace on his leg made out of twigs and cockle shells. He's limping, he's useless, but he's here to stay. Suck on that Misery.

And we arrive at the big Immunity Challenge. One person from each team will be The Caller. The Caller will guide pairs of blindfolded bitches to large puzzle pieces scattered in a field. Teams have to retrieve all their puzzle pieces and solve the puzzle. First team to finish wins Immunity. Jerri will be calling for the Villains and Useless James will be calling for the Heroes. James can hardly string a sentence together so this should be good. Survivors ready, go!

James immediately starts grunting and shouting explicit instructions like, "No, not there!", "Stop it!", "Turn around!", "I said, no!", and "Cut it out you honkey!" Jerri, on the other hand, can hardly shout loud enough to be heard over James' gutteral voice. The Heroes are banging themselves into all sorts of obstacles but actually manage to pull ahead and get all of their pieces first while the Villains remained one piece behind. Eventually, the Villains catch up, get to work on their puzzle... bing, bang, boom... did Mattel make it this week?... VILLAINS WIN IMMUNITY!

Poor Heroes. They've never met a puzzle that didn't kick them in the ass. Back at camp they piss and moan about being losers and immediately begin to discuss the hot topic that is James. Colby and Sully want him gone. James is mean to them and won't attend their Klan meetings so it's time for him to go. Meanwhile Rupert is pitching for Sully to go. Sully shaves and showers so he has no place in Rupert's world. Besides, Rupert could give a fig about winning challenges. It's all about making friends and kumbaya. Candice, boring and ineffectual Candice, has finally seen the light and she thinks it's ludicrous to keep James in the game at this point. He's dead weight... and a ginormous dead weight to boot. Why in the world would you keep someone without a knee on his right leg in the game? Who, in their right mind, would be stupid enough to do something like that?

JT, firmly perched on a fence post, knows he should vote out James, but he's scared to hurt Galumpy's feelings. Wha... wha... what?! Rupert must have bitten him in the middle of the night or something because I can't for the life of me figure out why JT would even consider keeping James. They need to win challenges not lose more. Besides, it makes sense for JT to team up with another winner (i.e. Sully). There is no way in hell he can win against James in a final two. Cut his throat now and have it be done with for crying out loud. Grow a sack JT! Steal one from Galumpy if you have to just make up your fucking mind already. Colby is well aware of JT's wishy washy ways and the light has sort of gone off on the whole "JT is a hero" thing. In anger, Colby rips up his chalk drawing of JT and throws it into the fire. He's all alone in this world now. If Sully goes tonight, Colby is up shit's creek.

We now arrive at Tribal Council and the attention immediately turns to James. The man can hardly walk and he's got ligaments poking out all over the place, but he insists he's fine and in no pain. Liar. Dimples knows he's lying too and tells James his niece could probably beat him in a challenge right now. Oh no he di-in't! Oh yes he did. James demanded to see the niece so he could shred her into a million pieces and eat her for dinner. In response, Dimples changes the subject and begins to address the challenge they lost. Again, James tries to blame Sully. Sully spits back that James' philosophy of "shut up and do what you're told" clearly isn't working. It's the same thing every Tribal Council with these two. They hate each other. We get that. James is a bully and Sully is a Klan member. We get that too. It's time for one of these bitches to go. Who will it be? The injured giant or the know-it-all white supremicist? Let's vote.

The fifth person voted out of Survivor Heroes V. Villains is SULLY. Unbelievable. At this point, I think the Heroes are just begging to lose. James will not miraculously heal overnight. What's going to happen the next time they lose? My money is on them keeping James yet again and getting rid of Colby. It's all about petty little arguments with these bitches and if Colby doesn't do something miraculous and wise in the next few days, he's a goner. What do you guys think? How do you feel about the vote last night? Did the Heroes make the right choice? What about Lucifer? Do you think he can reign victorious over Boston Rob? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Survivor returns in 2 weeks on a Wednesday so no blog next week. You can catch me over at the Bitchy Amazing Race Blog in the meantime.