Thursday, March 25, 2010

My Superman Sucks




Superman woke up earlier than usual despite spending last night partying with the Wonder Twins and the Green Lantern. Let's just say it got a little kinky when Zan turned into a bucket of ice cubes and Jayna transformed into a randy monkey. The damage those two could do! Anyhow, hungover, paunchy, reeking of appletinis Superman arose to greet the day. He lived in a one bedroom apartment now in a five floor walk up on the wrong side of town. Dishes cluttered the sink, open pizza boxes littered the floor, soiled tights strewn about the place... this isn't the Superman of yesteryear. Nothing excites him anymore. Crime fighting just isn't the same now that the Cullen's moved into town. They're younger, sexier, have their fantastic hair plastered on magazine covers, and they drive Volvos. How can Superman compete with that? He can't and it's sent him into a downward spiral complete with Paxil, dirty boxer shorts, and a graying beard. To top it off, someone keeps eating all his bananas. He needs that potassium dammit! Let's recap, shall we?







It was a Klan free night with Sully (Tom) out of the picture. The Heroes, forlorn and wondering if they did the right thing, sat around their camp staring vacantly into the fire. James, adjusting his coconut shell leg brace, laughs in that uneducated guffaw of his and pokes a depressed Colby in the ribs with a stick asking if he wants a hug. Colby wipes away his salty tears and nods yes. James simply chuckles to himself and throws a banana peel at Colby's head. Meanwhile on the other side of the fire Galumpy's (Amandas) lips are moving, but, seriously, does anyone give two shits as to what she's saying. I found myself hoping James might throw a banana peel at her too. My wish was never answered and we leave the Heroes to comtemplate their moronic Tribal Council skills.







Over in Dante's Inferno a different sort of melancholy is taking place. Lucifer (Russell) and his Idol are having a hard time getting some shuteye. He fed it fresh pony's blood and everything, but it's restless and it gets the jimmy legs at night. Anyhow, Lucifer is antsy and when the dark lord of the underworld gets antsy he gets mischievous. Simultaneously twirling his moustache and rubbing his belly (not an easy feat I'll have you know), Lucifer approaches Boston Rob for a late night tete a tetes. He's trying to seduce Rob into thinking they could be great friends and take their kids to the waterpark together after this Survivor thing is all said and done, but deep down inside Lucifer is really planning on how to remove Rob's heart from his chest without getting his hands dirty in the process. He saw it done in an Indian Jones movie and thought it might be fun to try out in real life. Rob's no idiot though. He knows very well what Lucifer is up to and tells him straight up that Bobby Brady was right. The Idol is cursed. Return the Idol to the cave from whence it came and all will be forgiven. Lucifer crosses his fingers behind his back and aks innocently, "What Idol? I don't have no stinkin' Idol." Oh no he di-in't... oh yes he did! Game on brotha!




This brings us to the big challenge. Probst, who absolutely delights in delivering bad news, informs everyone that both tribes are going to Tribal Council this week. They'll be competing as individuals against their own tribe. The winner will get Immunity and a chance to win a weiner feast as well as spy on the losing tribe's Tribal Council. Parvati and Jerri immediately start salivating while Rupert is sure he must have a weiner or two hiding out in his beard. He also has a tricycle wheel, a broom handle, a 6-pack of Rolling Rock, and a festive Christmas topiary in there. Go figure. Anyhow, tribe members will be attached to a rope threaded through obstacles. First person who untangles themselves and finishes wins immunity. As the Villains won the coin toss, the Heroes will be up first. Survivors ready, go!



Candice and JT get off to a good start with James not far behind. Galumpy's legs were flying everywhere and I think Rupert got his arm stuck in his beard. It's at this moment that we discover the truth about Colby. It's not unlike the Truth About Cats And Dogs where we learned that ears are pressure points and that you need to stick your finger in a turtle's ass to get it's head to poke out. The truth about Colby is this: he may look like a fit 30 something year old dude on the outside, but inside he's really an AARP member who drives a Rascal and soaks his teeth overnight. It's kind of like that movie Death Becomes Her. Colby must have drunk an elixir that keeps his body from aging on the outside, but on the inside he has gallstones, collapsing veins, and chronic constipation. I don't know what the hell is going on with this medical mystery. All I know is he looks like a gladiator but he moves like an old man. James with his leg hanging on by torn tendons and shredded ligaments fares better than Colby does. Maybe there was a banana shortage back at camp and Colby is lacking in potassium. Who knows? The challenge ends with Galumpy flashing us her bush, Candice pulling ahead of JT, and CANDICE WINS IMMUNITY! *yawn*




Like Miller Time, it's Villains Time. Survivors ready, go! It's Boston Rob and Tyson hurling themselves through obstacle after obstacle. Ropes burning their skin, knees banging into logs, dirt creeping into various orifices. Sandra, on the other hand, simply sits on the post and pretty much decides to let the boys duke it out. Lucifer, short limbed and scrappy, actually manages to stay a threat despite his belly. In the end, Boston Rob fueled by Lucifer hate narrowly wins over Tyson and ROB WINS IMMUNITY! Seriously, I cheered out loud for that one. I muttered "Thank god!" and replenished my gin tumbler.



Just when I thought I could get my heart rate back to normal, we get the Weiner Off. Candice and Rob now have to compete for the hot dog feast. It's no secret I was rooting for Rob. The Universe hasn't been very kind to me as of late so I wasn't expecting any miracles. It rains when I want sunshine. Someone upstairs thought it was fitting to send my dad into the afterlife last week. My wine bottles seem to get empty faster than usual. I have a blister on my pinky toe. Seriously bitches, this has not been my week so imagine my surprise when, for once, I managed to get my way. VILLAINS WIN HOT DOG FEAST!!! It's not going to make my grief disappear, but it's something. It's one teeny tiny something.


Much to Lucifer's chagrin, the mood back at camp is All Boston Rob, All The Time. Coach placed a crown off baby's breath atop Rob's head. Courtney rubbed his feet. Sandra washed his underwear. Parvati flashed him her boobs. The Villains lifted him up on their shoulders and shouted his name over and over again... Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! I mean, hot dogs are good, but are these bitches aware that one of them is still going home? It turns out Rob is the one who's aware. He gathers his troops on the beach and tells them that Parvati is going home, but to play act like Lucifer is going home so he'll play the Idol. OK that sounds like a good plan. I sure hope no one fucks it up by being overtly obvious.



Enter the overtly obvious segment... Rob approaches Lucifer in the woods and tells him point blank that if he has the Idol he should be play it. *sigh* Why? Why, why why would you even approach him? He was born with fiery embers in his chest instead of a soul. His bullshit meter is off the charts accurate. Hasn't Rob ever heard the phrase, "You don't bullshit a bullshitter."? I mean, come on! Telling Lucifer to play the Idol in order to save himself is like handing him a written note that reads, "Here's our plan. We want Parvati out, but we want you to play the Idol first." Numbskulls. Lucifer leaves the conversation boiling inside. His one mission in life is to get respect. These fools at camp aren't respecting him. The jury last season didn't respect him and I think we all know his dentist doesn't respect him. His childhood wasn't all fun and games you know. Other kids had parties with bobbing for apples and pony rides. Lucifer, on the other hand, was raised bobbing for razor blades and skinning ponies. Children would run screaming from his house. No one ever wanted to sleep over. His dad was always poking his dates with his pitchforks, literally and figuratively, and his mom thought it was hysterical to serve puppy kabobs on the fourth of July. All his life, Lucifer has been in his father's shadow. Survivor is his one chance to prove he's made of something. Come hell or high water, he's gonna make these bitches give him the respect he demands. Rob, unbeknownst to himself, just made Lucifer's mission a little bit easier.



After toiling for a few minutes in his Survivor Meth Lab amongst the bubbling beakers, flickering flames, and periodic table wall charts, Lucifer has come up with a plan. Wasting no time, Lucifer approaches Danielle and Parvati and tells them how Rob is trying to flush out the Idol. Lucifer's done his experiments, logged important notes into his black marble notebook, and has come to the conclusion that Rob is probably targeting Parvati. He shows Parvati a flow chart and explains how he has no choice but to straight up give her the Idol tonight. Wow. I have to admit my love for Lucifer has been waning a little bit this season, but he continues to shock me with interesting moves and I have to respect that. It's incredibly ballsy to hand over the only thing keeping him safe in the game just to prove a point. Point being - Rob isn't all that and Lucifer is. Nuts of steel this guy has. Just when I thought he managed to outwit Rob, he takes it a step further and suggests they now target Rob's right hand man, Tyson. Ouch. That one's gonna hurt.





Over at Loser-y Loser Village For Losers, the strategy and mood couldn't be more different. Instead of making a case for himself, instead or proving he was born with testicles, we get Colby throwing up his hands, packing his bags, and accepting defeat. Maybe his mother loved him too much. I don't know. I can't figure this guy out. He grunts and puts on a brave face when in the company of the Villains, but as soon as he's back home with his own tribe he whips out his parasol and rouges his cheeks. He literally walks up to everyone, wraps himself in a billowy white silk flag and tells his tribemates not to fight and just relax for he knows he's going home. He wants to spend his last day in love and light and rainbows. Are you fucking serious?! Do something asshole! Make deals, get Lucifer to loan you the key to his lab, act like you want to be there... just DO SOMETHING! Ugh.



James, ripping some pages out of my book, is also mildly disgusted with Mr. Colby. You see, James used to have Colby posters up all around his dorm room. He'd lie in his bed at night staring at Colby's glow in the dark teeth and wish and hope and pray that one day he could be on Survivor too. If that day ever came, he'd play the game with dignity. He'd work hard. He'd be nice to people. He'd emulate his hero Colby to the best of his ability. James had this thing where he'd draw cartoon pictures of Colby as various super heroes. His favorite doodle was the one of Colby in a Superman cape. He looked so handsome and so tanned standing on a mountaintop, hands on hips, thighs bulging beneath the tights. That was a guy James could aspire to be not this aging defeated pathetic excuse for a man sitting next to him right now. It's like James' dreams and motivation of his youth were crumbling down all around him in that moment. Everything he believed in, everything he hoped for, everything he drew... was a lie. In an interview a disappointed James, almost in tears, comes to the conclusion, "It's like my Superman sucks."


Off in the distance Rupert, Candice, Galumpy, and JT are coming to the same conclusion. Colby couldn't even beat James today! I mean, seriously, it's kind of stunning when you think about it. It's even more stunning that as they're standing there talking about how much Colby sucks they then flip flop and talk about James' injury. I'm so confused. If they were going to get rid of James, why not do it last week when he really couldn't move? Why wait a few days, let him prove himself in a challenge, and then decide maybe he should go? I'll tell you why... bananagate. Apparently, James took some bananas and didn't send out a telegram beforehand. Now, I'm not entirely familiar with Banana Etiquette - I don't think Emily Post wrote a book about it - but, according to Galumpy, you have to sky write your banana eating intentions, plead your case to a jury of your peers, and wait 4-6 weeks for banana confirmation to be notarized and filed with the County... or something like that.



After much deliberating, the Banana Committee comes to a conclusion: There shall be a race. Yup, they're going to do this old school. Like, 5th grade on the playground, old school. James will race JT and somehow this will redeem Colby. Galumpy elects herself Banana Spokesbitch and she tells James he must race to make ammends for his banana thievery. The Municipal Banana Court has demanded it. At sunset they all meet on the beach where the Banana Committee observes in silence, pens and pads in hand. On your mark, get set, go! JT takes off lightning quick leaving a trail of smoke in his wake while James hobbles back in the distance. Just when we thought it couldn't get more grade school, JT jogs back to James and starts running backwards, doing circles, throwing in some cartwheels... I think he even knit a sweater on the sidelines. I would have laughed had there been a Tortoise and Hare style ending, but it wasn't to be. James got his ass handed to him... over a couple of bananas.



Over at the grown up camp, some serious strategizing is going down. Rob has been doing some thinking and he's come to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, Lucifer is smarter than he looks. Rob thinks Lucifer might know the plan to get Parvati out and as a precaution he decides that they should split their votes (3 for Parvati, 3 for Lucifer). The logic is that Lucifer, Danielle, and Parvati will all 3 be voting for someone too - most likely Tyson. If they split the vote, suss out the Idol, do a re-vote, then Parvati is history and all is well with the world. It's the PERFECT plan. Rob even calls it his "Insurance Policy". It's full proof... hell, it's even fool proof... or so I thought. Lucifer, more psychic than Sylvia Browne, James Van Praague, and John Edwards put together, tells Tyson he's going to vote out Parvati. He realizes he can't save her so he'll just go ahead and vote her out. We all kind of giggled at home knowing what a lying little weasle he is. We simply assumed Tyson was on the same wavelength. Turns out, he wasn't. He let his ego and excitement for getting a hot dog in his mouth cloud his judgment.



And we arrive at our first Tribal Council. The Villains are up first and Rob wastes no time bringing up the Idol. Sandra chimes is and says point blank they all know Lucifer has it. Lucifer just sits and smiles before he denies, denies, denies. Funnier still, Tyson (who I nominate for Dumbass Of The Year) says that the Idol is kind of inconsequential when the numbers are still this big. Yeah ok, you go ahead and think that. Let's get to this vote.



Jeff asks if anyone has the Immunity Idol and wishes to play it. I shoved another handful of popcorn in my mouth and leaned in a little closer. I love it when the Idol gets played. Seriously, don't you guys get so excited? Lucifer, predictably, stands up and announces he's going to take the target off his back. Rob and Sandra beam, Tyson looks confused, and Parvati holds her breath. Will he give it to her? Yup, in a move so bold and so brave, he gives the Idol to Parvati. And had Tyson STUCK WITH THE GODDAMN PLAN that would have been the last move Lucifer ever made in this game, but noooooo Tyson fucked it all up and in the dumbest move ever in Survivor history he switches his vote to Parvati. With just 3 votes, Tyson is the next douchebag voted out of Survivor Heroes V. Villains. FUCKING. IDIOT. Seriously, beyond stupid. Beyond unbelievably stupid. Tyson could have been part of one of the best moves ever masterminded in the game. Instead he fucks it all up and goes home with nary a hot dog to show for it. Good riddance.



Now we jump to the Heroes Tribal Council. It starts to rain and James is thrilled it's raining on the weiner feast. James, shut the fuck up. That rain wasn't for the Villains. It was for YOU. In a stunning turn of events, the Heroes decide bananas are too important and they finally get rid of James. Somehow, someway Colby lives to see another day. That vote shocked the hell out of me. I won't lie.


So what did you guys think? Will you be burning Tyson dolls in effigy? Will you learn to treasure your bananas from now on? Did you want Colby to stay or go? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!