Friday, April 2, 2010

A Bandy Legged Little Troll

Deep in the jungles of Papua New Guinea there lived an ancient tribe of warriors. Well, if I'm being perfectly honest here, "warrrior" might not be the right word to use. Let me start over... deep in the jungles of beautiful downtown Burbank there lived an ancient tribe of pussies. In this tribe lived a family called the Wades. The Wades were held in great esteem and served as leaders to all the other lesser pussies. Late at night under a star filled sky, the Wades would teach their followers in the fine art of Fence Sitting. It's a lot harder than it sounds I'll have you know. It takes finesse, skill, practice, lots of feathers, and perfectly braided hair to sit comfortably atop a very high fence not having your toes dare touch either side. Minutes of training go into this very complicated maneuver. One must promise to never make a promise, embrace indecisiveness, and, like the Buddha, seek the middle path. One young pussy in particular soaked up the Fence Sitting philosophy like a sponge and became a Master Pussy Fence Sitter. You might have heard of him - his name is Benjamin Wade... otherwise known as Coach, King Of The Pussy People. Let's recap, shall we?

Tribal Council has ended and Boston Rob is flummoxed. For the first time in his 20 years of playing Survivor he's actually stunned. Lucifer used the Idol to save himself and Parvati and, in the process, he managed to send home Rob's bestie, Tyson. You see, back in the olden timey days of Survivor there was no such thing as Idols or blindsiding. Outwit was merely a term that adorned a flag or a buff or something. It was really nothing more than that. Back in Survivor's heyday physical strength and popularity were favored rather than manipulation and vampire glamouring. Rob is so stunned at what happened that he convinces himself that someone in his alliance must have betrayed him. I mean, no way one little smelly man who eats babies for breakfast could have pulled a fast one on him. No way!

While Rob was busy racking his brain for a traitor and trying to come up with a villain to blame, one such villain was off to the side celebrating. Lucifer (Russell Hantz), lord of the underworld, was kicking back wearing his pony pelts and drinking a fresh pot of goat's blood. Parvati, all teeth and hair, comes skipping into the scene crying out, "You're my hero!" Lucifer scoops her up with those flabby little arms of his and swings her to and fro. They dance and cavort and sacrifice things until the wee hours of the morning while Rob could do nothing but whimper and listen. Ever so quietly Rob hid under his covers, pulled his hat down over his brow, and very patiently listened to the giggling and whooping going on outside his tent. "What do they have to be so cocky about?", he thought to himself. They only have three people. Rob has five. Lucifer and his merry band of thieves shouldn't be happy. They should be scared or nervous or something. Yes Rob, you're hiding under a blanket close to tears with your lower lip trembling. Clearly, everyone should be scared of you.

Lucifer feeling, well, feeling very Lucifer-ish decides it's time to multiply. He needs to turn his 3 into 4 or 6 or 28. It was then that a mass of curls emerged from the bush looking confused, looking forlorn, looking for a new leader. It's Jerri, the Maneater herself. She went to bed last night thinking Rob was someone who could guide her, thinking Parvati was an evil wench, and thinking Coach had a nutsack. But when she woke up this morning she found herself realizing that everything she thought she knew was wrong. Rob's not grabbing this game by the reins, Parvati actually might be someone who knows what she's doing, and, well, Coach spent half the night weaving baby's breath into his hair. It's like someone shook the world like a snow globe and the mechanical gears in Jerri's brain clicked back into working order. She's not used to the machinery in her head being well-oiled and grinding along at a productive rate. It's confusing her and giving her a headache. To Lucifer, the moment couldn't have been more perfect to bring Jerri into the fold.

He sees Jerri sitting on the beach wincing from the pain in her head. Tiny little tufts of smoke are shooting out of her ears and her curls are miraculously getting curlier. Lucifer approaches all gentle like and tells her he'll take her to the final 3. He'll even give her an Imitrex and a foot massage. All she has to do is cut the umbilical cord tying her to Rob, sign the contract on the dotted line in blood, and promise to hold Rob still while Lucifer decapitates him. Jerri thinks about this for a while. She has a little bit of a problem with commitment and all these promises Lucifer is asking her to make is a big step. Back on the mainland she can't even pick a cell phone provider, decide between paper or plastic, or keep a boyfriend for more than a week. Her great aunt Fanny was a member of some ancient Fence Sitting Tribe and Jerri has always just sort of blindly accepted their ways as her own. Now, far away from California she's forced to make a decision all on her own. What will she do? Will she abandon Rob and his old school philosophy of "how not to outwit"? Or will she join Lucifer and his tribe of big breasted whores where she'll no doubt get blood on her hands and, most likely, all up in her curls? It's a tough decision that we'll have to wait a little longer to figure out the answer to.

Over on the Heroes tribe Colby is also deep in thought. Oh, he's not thinking about signing his life over to the devil like Jerri is. No. He's thinking things like, "How the hell am I still here?!?", "Somebody upstairs must love me!", and "I'm so glad I ironed those wrinkles out of my cape." A miracle sat on Colby's face last night and now he's too scared to talk for fear he'll scare it away. He can't make any sudden movements or think any evil thoughts. He'll just sit quietly and enjoy the fact that he's still in the game. He'll meditate and do some deep breathing, but he won't say a word... not one single word. He even managed to keep his calm when hairy smelly Rupert approached and started bellowing out grunts and nonsense. Rupert tells Colby he has a lot to prove now because it's not like Rupert can do anything worthwhile in the challenges. He's just there to provide barbaric throat clearing and melodramatic commentary. It's all on Colby's shoulders now. Colby silently nods and accepts his fate. James is gone, Rupert is useless, Galumpy (Amanda) sucks, JT's head is somewhere off of Samoa, and Candice does nothing but bitch. It's all up to Colby to win every single challenge from here on out. If he fails, he's outta there. His tribe is not only counting on him, but they're threatening him. One false move and he goes home. Colby put on a new pair of tights and his freshly ironed cape and, like a gladiator, was ready to fight to the death.

At the Reward Challenge 3 members of each tribe must race through the water to get a ball. They then have to work together to shoot the ball into the basket. First tribe to 3 wins a trip to a waterfall and a feast of meat, seafood, and fruit. The battle began with both tribes playing fisticuffs and slapping each other with their gloves. It wasn't until Coach saw Colby's new sparkly tights that the game took a violent turn. Coach wanted those tights and he's was willing to do anything he could to get them. He held JT's head underwater, he kneed Colby in the nads, and he shot air ball after air ball after air ball. Apparently, they didn't ever play basketball in the Pussy Tribe he grew up in because after throwing 10,000 balls at the basket not one made it in. Like Dorothy in the Wizard Of Oz protecting her ruby slippers, Colby had no intention of giving that wicked Coach his tights. He fought not only to keep them on, but he fought for his life. He fought for truth, justice, and the American way. Sparkly tights hold great power my friends. I highly recommend you all run out and buy a pair today because HEROES WIN REWARD!

Pleased as punch, the caped douchebags marched off to enjoy their reward. A glittery waterfall served as the backdrop to a silk tented feast of lettuce wraps, tortillas, and fruit. I'm sure there was some meat hiding there somewhere, but the sight of Galumpy cramming a lettuce filled tortilla into her gob made me ill and I had to turn away. Thankfully, although idiotically, Candice interrupted Galumpy's open mouth masticating to read aloud a clue to yet another Immunity Idol. Fucking. Moron. Not one person saw her unroll that scroll. She could have shoved it in her bikini and no one would have been the wiser. Instead she sits there staring at it for 10 minutes saying out loud, "Hmmm I wonder what this is. Hey guys, stop chewing! I wonder what this here paper that I just found says. Guys! Are you listening to me? I said I have a strange piece of paper here. Wanna know what it says? Guys! I'm talking! Look at me. Listen to me. I have something here you might want to know about it. Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me? Immunity Idol." That was all she needed to say... Immunity Idol. That shut everyone up. Seriously, it got quiet. Everyone shifted uncomfortably and tried to swallow down their tofu kabobs while Candice read out loud how they all could find the Immunity Idol. Galumpy became wide-eyed and mischievous. She wanted to steal that scroll for herself. JT got mad Candice interrupted his eating. Colby just sat there... quiet as a stone... still vowing not to speak. Rupert, on the other hand, got pissy that they were taken back into the game at the moment. He was enjoying family time and bonding. He was planning "get to know you" seminars for when they returned back to camp, but that cunt Candice had to ruin it all with her stupid scroll. In the end they all agree to look for the Idol as a tribe. Umm how does that work? If they all find the Idol, who gets it? *shrugs shoulders* They'll cross that bridge when they get to it I guess.

Over on the Villains tribe Lucifer is impatiently waiting for an answer from Jerri. He stands over her waving the contract in front of her face with one hand and holding that machete he buried long ago with the other. He's hungry for blood and he wants Jerri to make a damn decision so he can prick her and get her to sign the damn contract. Jerri simply stares out into the water twirling her curls with her fingers. Should she join Lucifer? Should she stay with Rob? Is Fios better than satellite? iPhone or Blackberry? Bikram or Kundalini? Twitter or Facebook? Agua con gas or agua sin gas? Ice cream or cool whip? Canon or Nikon? Self or Shape? UVB or UVA? Dogs or cats? Heaven or hell? Girls or boys? Like a Stepford wife Jerri's poor eyes started to glaze over and her head began to vibrate. Lucifer just sighed and called Coach over. Surely, Coach will be able to help Jerri make a decision.

Coach approaches and Lucifer tells him and Jerri that he wants to take them to the Final 3. He tells them that he knows he can't beat Parvati at the end and we all kind of knew right then and there that Lucifer was lying through his teeth. Of course he can beat Parvati. No one likes her and she's already won the million. The one person in the world Lucifer should take to the end is Parvati. These tiny little facts seem to evade Jerri (as I'm assuming she's under some sort of spell or something) and she blindly nods and openly pledges allegiance to Lucifer. He pricks her in the finger and she signs his lengthy contract not realizing she's also just promised him her dog, her car, and her first born. It's a done deal. Jerri has made a decision and she can't turn back now. Realizing the magnitude of having to now fully support Lucifer, Jerri turns to Coach looking for sympathy and support. Instead Coach just gives her the hand and walks off to play air guitar in the ocean.

You see, Coach isn't buying what Lucifer is serving. At the same time, he's not so sure Rob is a leader he should follow. And damn that Jerri for putting him in a spot where he might have to pick sides! Coach's M.O. is to never pick sides and to always be liked by everyone. If he can manage to do that, half the battle is won. It's like that episode of The Office where Michael Scott didn't want to make anyone mad so he refused to make a decision as to whether the office should get new chairs or a new copy machine. Like Michael, Coach just wants friends and people he can hang out with on a Friday night. It's at this moment in time when Jerri really gets a good look at Coach. Before she thought he was exciting, mysterious, primal, kinda sexy... but now he's just a weird wirey guy with partially graying beard and little girl braids in his hair. His shine has dulled. It's like discovering the guy you're banging farts in his sleep. It's a deal breaker.

Jerri has made her decision and Coach can either join her or not. She doesn't make decisions everyday so this is all fun and exciting for her right now. She's going to see this through to the end come hell or high water. It'll be one of those things she can look back on fondly when she's old and gray. She'll tell her grandchildren stories of how in the jungle she made up her mind and lost a long haired freak of a lover in the process. It'll be sad and heart wrenching, but if it gets her to the Final 3 it'll be worth it.

This brings us to the Immunity Challenge. Three members of each tribe have to race on a course of trampolines to retrieve 6 bags of puzzle pieces. After all the bags have been gathered, 2 tribe members will be waiting to solve the puzzle. First tribe to solve puzzle wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!

Rupert and Parvati get the race going. Rupert is limping on his broken toe and getting his beard caught in the net while Parvati is leaping and bouncing around like a pro. When it's Courtney's turn her praying mantis like body slips throught the tiny holes in the nets getting caught every which way. She's impossibly thin and flies all around stumbling and tripping over her own bones. The teams were neck in neck but Courtney fucked that up good and put the Villains behind the Heroes in starting the puzzle. JT and Galumpy were doing the puzzle for the Heroes and I just giggled knowing they'd manage to screw it up somehow. The Villains had Rob and Sandra, puzzle masters extraordinaire, so I wasn't too worried that they got a late start. There was one teeny tiny little problem though. Rob had spent the day crying and his dried up tears must have crusted over and clouded his vision or something. Perhaps Lucifer peed in the water supply. I'm not sure, but Rob and Sandra were not themselves. They were confused, flighty, preoccupied, and sucking some major ass at that challenge and HEROES WIN IMMUNITY!

Lucifer, observing from sidelines, mutters, "We got whooped." He did pee in the water supply. I knew it! Coach immediately starts pointing fingers at Courtney. He knows a Rob/Lucifer showdown is coming and in the grand tradition of his forefathers he's refusing to take sides. Instead he whispers to himself a chant he learned as a young boy... fence rider, fence rider, be a pussy fence rider, hey diddle diddle, stay in the middle. Instead of seeing this as an opportunity to take part in a major Survivor blindside, Coach sneaks off to be alone. He grabs his pink parasol, weaves some feathers into his hair, and goes for a quiet walk on the beach. That's the best way he think of to spend his time. Better to avoid everyone and walk the middle line of safety and no risk. Pussy.

On another part of the beach Rob is about to turn into a southern belle. Rob asks Lucifer what he thinks about tonight's vote. Lucifer takes a deep breath and sticks his chubby little fingers right in Sandra and Courtney's faces. "One of them two weak bitches gots ta go." Rob feigns shock, clutches his pearls, and exclaims, "My oh my! I can't believe you just said that. Well, my goodness, that's an interesting way to make friends!" Lucifer belches and says he makes no apologies for being honest. Rob continues to fan himself saying he's never seen that sort of approach before. He pours himself another mint julep and thinks Lucifer just signed his walking papers as a result of being so rude.

Rob grabs his shawl and scurries off to find Coach. He finds him collecting seashells a few yards away. Rob gently taps Coach on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but we need to discuss what to do tonight." Coach has rehearsed his reply over and over again so he blurts out, "Parvati or Courtney... Parvati or Courtney... stay in the middle... Parvati or Courtney." Rob didn't quite understand that "stay in the middle" part so he chooses to ignore it and proceeds to shake his head. Oh heavens no! Rob needs Courtney. She's part of his alliance. Coach says something about strength and weakness and winning and loyalty and Braveheart and Last Of The Mohicans. Rob gently shushes Coach and suggests that perhaps maybe they get rid of Lucifer instead. This is what Coach was afraid of... this whole "taking sides" thing. He's been trained to deflect and avoid so he tells Rob he wants to go to final two with him, pats him on the back, and then walks away. Rob is at once pleased and then confused. Wait a tic... Coach never gave him an answer about Lucifer. What about Lucifer?!

While Coach was busy trying to hide from Rob he accidentally stumbled into Lucifer's troop meeting. Coach meant to turn left at the fork in the road, but instead he turned right and found himself smack dab in the middle of Lucifer trying to persuade everyone to vote out Rob. Uh oh. Coach panics and tries to run. He can't be here for this. He's not supposed to be taking sides! Lucifer approaches Coach and waves a watch in front of his face. The watch has one word on it. It says Loyalty. Back and forth... back and forth... the watch swung back and forth... Loyalty... Loyalty.... Loyalty. After several minutes of this Coach blurts out, "I'm 100% with you! I'll vote out Rob!" Coach gasps at his own words, puts his hand over his own mouth, and flees into the woods. He can hear Lucifer's laughter in the distance. Panting and sweating and dizzy from the swinging Loyalty watch, Coach tries to catch his breath as he realizes what he's just done. He never meant to take sides. He doesn't want Rob to go home. He also doesn't want Lucifer to go home. What is a Coach to do?!? He sat quietly and waited for an answer to come to him. It was then that he heard it.... the voices of his ancestors guiding him through the storm... fence rider, fence rider, be a pussy fence rider, hey diddle diddle, stay in the middle...

We now arrive at Tribal Council and to say it's tense is putting it mildly. Rob has taken the high road telling people that if they feel they can win without him then go ahead and vote him out. Lucifer, of course, has taken the low road and has spent all his time plotting Rob's demise. He made a fantastic balsamic dijon sauce back at camp. He's planning on spreading it all over Rob's head as it's cooking over the fire later on tonight. Jeff interrupts Lucifer's lip licking with some questions. He asks Coach how the tribe is faring. Coach stares straight ahead and robotically says, "Tyson. It's all Tyson's fault. He shouldn't have left." Whew! He did it. He managed not to take sides. He's a genius for blaming someone who's not even there. His ancestors would be proud.

Lucifer takes a different approach. He gets up and struts around like a peacock waving his balls this way and that citing how he almost sacrificed himself for Parvati. He's spitting on Rob and calling him a girly girl and whatnot. Coach shouts, "Courtney!" and then curls up into a ball. Jerri, all proud of herself, says, "It was hard, but I made a decision!" Coach shouts, "Soldiers!" then hides his hands in his face. Rob just sat there taking it all in and sighed. He sighed long and deep. He sighed for the vote that was coming. What the hell has happened to his tribe? They're all thinking for themselves. Coach is clearly insane, Jerri is under some sort of spell, and who knows what the hell Lucifer is thinking. This isn't how he planned this season to go. He planned on calling the shots and people listening. That's it. It took him months to come up with it and it should have worked. He sat up late at night tinkering and toiling with how he could finally win the million dollars. After hours and hours in the lab with Amber they thought the plan was full proof. Never in a million years did they imagine that people would dare to not listen to Rob. That option didn't even factor into their equations. Those miscalculations are now coming back to haunt them as Rob is the eighth person voted out of Survivor: Heroes V. Villains.

So, what did you guys think? Did you imagine the clash of the titans ending like that? Is Coach the biggest pussy in the world? (Yes!) What's going to happen next week without Rob's guidance? Will Jerri regret her decision? Do the Villains have the balls to band together and get out Lucifer before it's too late? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!