Friday, April 9, 2010

It's My Time To Shine

Girls. Gals. Womens. Womyn. Femalions. Senoritas. Everything's coming up female... or is it? When gals get together and make decisions heads can roll, eating disorders can miraculously appear, and men, wee little sad sorry men, can shrivel up and dissipate into nothingness. Back in the olden timey days covens of womenfolk wearing corsets and kerchiefs and crap like that used to meet under the cover of night deep in the belly of the woods to dance, drink blood, and make love to the universe. They'd howl at the moon, make great big bonfires, and rip off their pantaloons in lunar ecstasy. Shit got done back then. Plans were made, chickens were sacrificed, and the ladies looked out for number one. All over the world statues were erected celebrating the female form. Somewhere, though, somewhere along the long dusty road of time we gals lost our mojo. Instead of stealing away in the middle of the night naked on horseback to worship at the altar of nature, we lie on our couches guzzling from a box of wine watching Grey's Anatomy (at least I do). Rumors of our illustrious past still exist though. A young man named JT was reared on the tales. Under the covers with a flashlight and a National Geographic, JT would read all about the wanton tribes of warrior women who lurked in the darkest corners of the world. He grew up not only fearing them, but wanting them. And last night he thought he stumbled upon one such tribe. Let's recap, shall we?

Boston Rob has left the building and the mood back at Satan's School For Girls (nee Villains camp) is mixed. Jerri is quiet, chewing her nails, wondering if the one decision she made in her life was the right one. Over in the nook of a tree, Coach is contemplative and sad, stroking his hair feathers, and curling up with a Laura Ashley duvet. But closer to the fire, the heat, one man named Lucifer dons a goat head hat with antlers and dances the dance of the Macarena. He's wearing a zebra pelt for a cape and he knows that tonight his father, Satan himself, would be pleased. Parvati claps and giggles swinging her hair this way and that. "I love blindsiding people!", she shouts. Danielle rips the head off a turkey and exclaims, "I know! It's sooooo fun!" It's a camp divided. Rob was the glue that gingerly held the both sides together, but he's gone now and the villains future is nothing short of uncertain.

A new day dawns, the butterflies are free, Goldie is teaching a blind guy how to kiss, and all the Heroes have smiles on their faces. "It's a great day to be a Hero", Galumpy (Amanda) thinks to herself. "I wonder who I can go fidget in front of now. There must be someone for me to bug.", she muses. Well, yes Galumpy, there is. You see, JT has taken it upon himself to go hunting for the Immunity Idol all alone. Sure, the Heroes said they'd look for it together, but JT's got a bit of the villain blood in him and he's discovered it kinda feels good to flirt with the dark side. So, off JT goes to search. Galumpy, bored and not getting any male attention, drags her tree trunk legs off into the jungle to find him. She grabs at her own elbows while simultaneously swatting at low hanging branches. Awkward be thy name. The camera man focusing on JT must have been the clue because stupid Galumpy with her stupid face and her stupid hair find JT at the precise moment he unearths the Immunity Idol. *sigh* Seriously, I hate that she saw that. JT has no choice but to share his find with the entire tribe. He knows Galumpy can't keep a secret to save her life. He's no dummy.

Candace, on the other hand, is a dummy. Well, actually I don't know that "dummy" is the right word to use. It just works well as my first sentence to this paragraph, but let's forget that and just talk about Candace and how extremely unpleasant she is. She never smiles, she never laughs, she's always pinched and annoyed,and I'm quite sure if you stuck a lump of coal up her ass you'd have a diamond in a few weeks. When Candace was in Egypt land... let my Candace go, but I digress. Candace thinks it fortuitous that Galumpy caught JT searching for the Idol. Nevermind the fact it was probably just Galumpy being a busybody. Nevertheless, Candace doesn't care for JT and even calls him "slimey". She hates it that he always has the swing vote yet no one ever calls him on it. Well, Candace, you know you could call him on it. Oh wait, that would mean standing up for yourself and speaking your mind. Nevermind. Let's move on.

Jerri is famished. She's starving. She's emaciated. Malnutrition has set in and she's convinced she's going to die. How silly! There were no flies buzzing around her head and we all know that in order to die of starvation you have to have flies buzzing around your head. Anyhow, all the Villains are hungry and it's playing tricks with their minds. They get some tree mail telling them that a feast awaits and they read it as, "You bitches are going to merge. You've been saved!" Starvation is ugly business. It drives you mad and makes you see things... like writing that isn't there. So the Villains pack up all their belongings and guillotines and head happily over to the Reward Challenge or in Villainese, The Merge.

Jeff awaits the tribes and, while twirling his moustache, he teases and taunts the Villains mercilessly hinting toward a merge. The Heroes just sit there stunned and silent at the fact that Boston Rob is gone. JT comes to the conclusion that there must be an all female alliance that's taking out the men one by one. Remember how I told you he used to read about fearsome women warrior tribes? Well, one, he thinks, is staring him right in the face. For a millisecond, Lucifer gets pissed off. He's the mastermind of the Villains not some stupid girls. His pride begins to fuck with him a little bit (Marcellas Wallace told him that might happen), but he quickly shook it off and decided that the Heroes thinking the women are in charge might actually not be so bad after all. More on this later. In the end, Jeff cruelly dashes all the Villains hopes and dreams for a merge. It's Survivor Bowling time bitches! *yawn* Whenever you see the Survivor Bowling challenge you know all the crew was out late the night before partying with the locals, smoking opium, running up tabs at all the island brothels, and maybe killing their wives. A drunken Probst all grabby and chatty probably got a Samoan tattoo on his ass. I'll bet he thought it said Awesome, but it really says Douchebag. Those Samoans are known for being pranksters.

Alright, so anyhow, the bitches have to bowl. The big question is who will the villains sit out. Actually, it's not really that big of a question. This is a no brainer to me. Sit out the physcially strong and save them for the Immunity Challenge, right? Right Coach? Right? Wrong. The tribe turns to Coach to make a decision, god knows why, and he decides to sit out Courtney and Sandra. Courtney, a jumble of bones who probably has early onset osteroperosis. Sandra, mentally strong but phsyically the equivalent of a jellyfish. Worst. Decision. Ever. I blame not only Coach, but the entire tribe. Someone, anyone, should have spoken up and suggested other people sit out. They all knew it was a shitty decision. You could see it on their faces. Why one of them didn't speak up is beyond me. In the end, I was right. I'm always right... and HEROES WIN REWARD!!!

The Heroes grab their capes, their shades, and some CapriSuns and skip off happily to enjoy their pizza reward. They're quite pleased with themselves that they've figured out how the Villains are operating. The girls are clearly in charge and Lucifer and Coach must be in trouble.. Together the Heroes plan to use this information to their advantage. Galumpy and Candace will infiltrate the Villains and report back to the men who the evil Villain women want to vote off. First off, let's say the Heroes were right and the women were really in charge... NO ONE over there would want Galumpy! I mean, come on! I think I speak for all evil people when I say that we want nothing to do with Galumpy and her heavy sad puppy dog eyes. As a matter of fact, I'd liked to pluck out her eyeballs (like in Slumdog Millionaire) and spread them on toast. Sprinkle a little caviar on top, pair it with a box of wine, and you've got a tasty treat. I'm just sayin'...

Back at our Villainous den of iniquity, Jerri is pissed and she has no problem letting everyone else know just how pissed she is. She's furious they sat out Courtney and Sandra. She's angry she's still hungry. In actuality, I think Jerri is just mad at herself. She's livid she made a fucked up decision last week voting out Rob and now she's mad as hell. She's waving her arms and kicking up dust hooting and hollering about how much Courtney and Sandra suck. Sandra overhears it and wonders exactly what point it is Jerri is trying to make. Now, I'm not a genius or anything (sure I am), but I think she's trying to, in a roundabout way, say that Coach is the queen of the pussy people. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am.

Sandra already knows Coach is the queen of the pussy people so she gets up and leaves Jerri to have her tantrum. On the beach, Courtney and Sandra sit and chat about how they're kinda up shit's creek right about now. One of them will most likely be voted out next. Sandra shakes the bones in her pocket, mumbles something in Spanish, and comes up with a completely brilliant plan. She knows Lucifer is one paranoid mother fucker who panics at any sign of dissension. Her plan is to tell Lucifer that Coach has been talking about voting him out. That'll send Lucifer in a tail spin, Courtney and Sandra will be safe, and Coach will march off to the land of losers. Sandra may be worthless in challenges, but I have to admire her ingenuity. I'm a big fan of making up lies to fuck with other people's heads. I appreciated it when Ragamuffin did it in BB11 and I appreciate it now from Sandra in Survivor. All she has to do is be convincing, tell a good lie, and she's home free.

It takes about two seconds for opportunity to strike. Lucifer sits staring at Coach and Courtney talking to each other on the beach. He doesn't like it one bit. He hates it when anyone anywere talks to someone else about anything. You could be talking about the magnificent artichokes you picked up at the Farmer's Market and Lucifer will hate you for it. If he's not invited to participate in your discussion, then you're his enemy. Coach and Courtney were probably discussing hair products and pretty barrettes, but Sandra saw it as her opening and played on Lucifer's insecurities. She feeds him the line about Coach staging a coup (which Lucifer's probably pronounces as "Coop") very matter of factly. The wheels in Lucifer's giant toothless head immediately started a'spinnin' and Sandra quietly tiptoes away to patiently wait for the magic to work itself out.

The sand began to sparkle, the stars aligned, glitter began to fall from the sky and Lucifer thinks to himself, "Hey, maybe we should get rid of Coach." He stomps over to Parvati and announces his new plan to get rid of Coach. Parvati doesn't really care. I mean, seriously, does anything bother her? She's got a tan to work on and other people to call the shots for her... not a care in the world sullies her pretty little head. However Lucifer wants to play the game is fine with her. She's just there to enjoy the ride. Lucifer talking out loud, yet to himself, remembers what the Heroes said about an all female alliance. Getting rid of Coach would only convince them more that the chicks are running the show which, in turn, would make the Heroes want to join forces with Lucifer. Interesting. I love a good ruse... especially if it can lead to the demise of Galumpy.

This brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Teams are tied together in pairs of two and have to race in the mud over obstacles and retrieve a flag. First team to score 3 points wins. Jerri and Danielle decide to sit out for the Villains. Jerry because she's still too angry to compete and Danielle because her ginormous boobs would get stuck in the mud.

Instantly, I remembered that challenge from years ago when when that big beefy guy was tied to the older gay guy and Big Beefy kept slamming Older Gay into tree trunks and stumps. That was the most evil challenge ever on Survivor. As sooon as I heard "tied together" I thought last night's challenge was going be similar. It wasn't at all. It was actually kinda hohum. Sandra was slow, Courtney broke some of her fragile bones, and the Heroes literally walked themselves to a victory. HEROES WIN IMMUNITY!!! My favorite part of the challenge was the very end when everyone was covered in mud like that scene in the Blue Lagoon. A rescue ship sails by the island looking for Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins, but they're covered head to toe in mud so the sailors think they must be natives instead of insanely pretty white people. Richard and Emiline look at the boat and then at each other... they don't care that they won't be rescued. They're happy in their blissful innocent uncorrupted island paradise aaaand... scene! *tear*

Coach must have seen the Blue Lagoon cuz he actually kinda digs the mud. He thinks of it as his Survivor Spa Treatment and then he tells us how he's empowered, how he's energized, and how at this very moment it's his time to shine. Well, that's a pretty dull shine if you ask me. Try lemon and salt. I hear that'll shine copper like you wouldn't believe. You see, I think Coach thinks that since he scored a point in the Immunity Challenge that he's safe. Either that or he snuck into the crew's barracks last night at stole some of Probst's opium. Probst has the best hook ups no matter what country he's in. Must be his flattering khaki shorts. I'm not sure. Anyhow, it never even crosses Coach's mind that he could be in jeopardy. If I were him I'd look back over, let's say, the past 2 weeks and figure out that, uhhh yeah, most likely he's the next to go.

Coach, Jerri, and even Danielle want Courtney out. She's useless. She's weak. She offers some snarky comments but that's about it. Now, what I don't understand is why someone didn't try to organize a Lucifer mutiny. It's clear he's powerful and calling the shots. Why didn't someone have the balls to try to overthrow him? Oh yeah I know... cuz just about everyone on the Villains tribe is a major pussy now. Right. I must have forgotten. Danielle came close to questioning Lucifer's authority when she suggested they keep Coach to have a chance at winning challenges. A valid point if you ask me. Her mere suggestion of doing something Lucifer didn't think of himself (or that Sandra didn't feed to him) immediately made him threaten her with expulsion. That should have tipped her off right there that he's a loose cannon who can turn at the drop of a hat. I'm thinking the next time Lucifer is looking for someone to oust, Danielle could be in trouble.

This brings us to Tribal Council. There's talk of strength, weakness, winning challenges, and past voting mistakes. Probst is trying his damndest to get someone to say they regret voting out Boston Rob and Tyson. He cites their absence as the reason why the Villains suck so much in the challenges now. Lucifer just sits and smiles. He doesn't care they're losing challenges. He'll never admit it, but it's true. The less people he has to contend with on his tribe, the better. I have to admit I'm fascinated to see how he'll try to glamour the Heroes after a merge. If he can convince those bitches to do his bidding, then he just might be the greatest player ever.

Coach and Courtney slapped each other around with their gloves for a little while. Coach called her weak. Courntey blamed him for losing the pizza challenge. Somehow, though, Coach remained confident. The feather in his hair was bigger than normal and he was decidedly sassy in those final moments. Courtney called him daddy at one point which made me want to hurl, but made Coach want to fight. He turned Courtey's daddy remark into a statement on how Coach is demoralizing the entire tribe and how he's now responsible for all the ills of the world. Coach is one strange bird full of all sorts of hypocrisies, dichotomies, and paradox. He's at once fiercely loyal and honest yet in the same breath he's the poster child for Wimp World. I don't get him and it looks like I never will for Coach is the ninth person voted out of Survivor Samoa and the first member of the Jury.

Coach was stunned. I was stunned. Were you stunned? I know I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. Once again, I'm strapped for time and typing this at the base of a volcano so again my apologies for my tardiness today. I've had kind of a crazy month and it won't return back to normal for another few weeks. So, bitches, what did you think of last night? Should Courtney have gone instead? Is Sandra someone to watch out for? How do you think the phony all female villain alliance will play out? Oh and what the fuck was up with JT talking about giving Lucifer the Idol next week? Insane! Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Please to enjoy Life At Ponderosa!!! I love these...

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