Friday, April 16, 2010

Destroy This Right When You Finish Reading

The Succubus. A demonic female who visits and violates men in their dreams. She seduces, she teases, she tantalizes, she manipulates, she sticks her tongue down her victim's throats where she squirms her way into their intestines and sucks all the life out of them leaving only a drained twitching and gasping carcass on the floor. At least, that's how it all went down in that one episode of Charmed I saw. When I grow up I want to be a Succubus. At night I'm usually home alone stirring my bathtub gin, smoking Dorals, and muttering about how all the men in my life did me wrong... so yeah, being a Succubus is not only the perfect career path for me... it just makes sense. The steady diet of human hearts and male tears might be a difficult adjustment from my usual diet of boxed wine, alporazepam, and white cheddar cheese popcorn, but it's a change I'm willing to make. Succubi are fearsome beings to behold and if there's one thing I want to be, other than whimsical and pretty like a fairy, it's fearsome. I want to snap my fingers and have things like sparkly beads, limes, and fuzzy dice brought to me. I want grown men to think I'm lovely and innocent when, in actuality, I'll be looking into their eyes and plotting their deaths. I need a mentor though - someone to show me the mystical malicious ways of a Succubus firsthand... someone to guide me in the art of stuffing things down my bikini bottom... someone made of teeth and hair to teach me how to walk with one hip jutting forward. If you saw Survivor last night then you're probably thinking the same thing I am - Galumpy would make a crap mentor! No, seriously though, there's a new queen in town and Parvati be thy name. Let's recap, shall we?

The Dragon Slayer has left the building and the Villains tribe is now short a tai chi master and a shitload of feathers. Jerri, having been the paramour to Mr. Last Of The Mohicans, worries about her safety and longevity in the game. She flits about from person to person asking, "Am I next? Am I next? Please tell me if I'm next." All I can do is shake my head from side to side and wonder what happened to the Jerri of yesteryear... the Jerri who never sought approval, the Jerri who ate men's testicles for breakfast, the Jerri who was curly and wild and slightly maniacal. I want that Jerri back. This new kinder gentler insecure Jerri is making my ass clench. What happened to my vampire queen who'd creep about at night opening coconuts with her fangs and whispering instructions to her minions? Who do I need to contact to make her come back? Chelsea Quinn Yarbro? Poppy Z. Brite? I'll take a road trip wherever and meet with the Talamasca myself if I have to. All I know is someone somewhere needs to find me Evil Jerri and deliver her (and some vermouth) to me on my doorstep. Thank you.

While I was impatiently waiting for Jerri to get her act together, both tribes received a tree mail warning of a challenge delivering "endurance and pain". Tribe members were then instructed to rate their teammates from strongest to weakest for the foot hold challenge - a challenge JT and others have done before. After feeding the tiny birds living in his beard, Rupert beats on his chest and declares he's the strongest competitor on his tribe. JT tells Wolfman Jack that the heavier you are, the earlier you fall down. Women with small feet are the ones to watch out for. They're a hot commodity in China and it looks like Samoa is no different. The Villains wisely choose to sit out Lucifer and off everyone goes to the challenge.

The Heroes get their first look at the Villains tribe where Rupert, who's teasing the woodland creatures living in his shorts with acorns, roars about how shocked he is to see Coach gone. He says,"The women. *pause* They *pause* must be *pause* running *pause* the show." It takes him like 5 minutes to spit it out because the time it takes for his brain to tell his mouth to speak is a lot longer than it is for, let's say, you and me. When Rupert wants to talk a tiny spark goes off in the right hemisphere of his brain. It then makes the long and dangerous journey through a wild unbrushed mess of capillaries and avenues littered with branches and pine needles. Once it arrives at the temporal lobe it has to deliver a password to a scruffy troll who controls the Temporal Lobe Bridge. Once the troll is satisfied (and, let me tell you, trolls are not easy to satisfy), he cranks up the drawbridge with his unusually short and bloated arms and let's the spark proceed onward to the frontal lobe. The journey to the F.L. (kinda like "The ATL" or "The O.C.") is long, arduous, and sweaty. The trail hasn't been cleared in years and it's windy with lots of things like car parts and empty beer bottles blowing around. Only after dodging angry monkeys throwing their poo at it, the spark arrives at the language center of the brain and Rupert can spit out a word... maybe two if he's lucky.

Anyhow, it's challenge time and all the bitches climb up to brace themselves in between two walls. Every 10 minutes the plastic foot hold thingies will get tinier and tinier and you can only use your arms and elbows to hold on. Oulast your opponent and you win a point. First tribe to 3 wins a feast from Outback Steakhouse. Survivors ready, go!

On the far left of the wall set-up, Danielle immediately puts her head against her wall and dozes off. On the other end of the challenge, Jerri is whispering sexual taunts to Colby while, somewhere in the middle, Sandra is talking about how her husband in Afghanistan loves Outback Steakhouse. Weird to think of Sandra married. I always envisioned her living alone at the top of a six floor walk-up where she'd stick her head out the window and make fun of passersby down on the street. She'd point out everyone's inadequacies and shoot spit balls through a straw. Never once did I think of her married, eating Blooming Onions, and tying yellow ribbons around the trees in her yard. I like imagining her shouting curses to Pat Sajak every night while drinking a pitcher of Sangria. I could understand a woman like that, but I digress.

The Heroes, on the other hand, are quiet and trying to concentrate... all except one. One lone hero (we'll call him JT) sees a desperate and fragile Lucifer barely clinging to life amongst the estrogen vipers over at the Villains camp. JT, like Rupert, is absolutely convinced that the women are calling all the shots over in Dante's Inferno and he actually feels sympathy for our dark lord of the underworld. JT whispers to Lucifer to "hang in there" and I immediately thought of that kitten poster. How sweet! When my mind eventually wandered back to reality I thought of the kitten poster again only this time the kitten was decapitated and missing a paw or two. *sigh* That kitten was so innocent and so cute. Now it's just a bloody spasming mess. I shall now refer to the Heroes as The Kittens. They have no idea what's in store for them, do they?

Anyhow, in the end, the Villains pulled out an easy victory and now it's time to chow down on some steak and shrimp on the barbie. Oh before I forget... Galumpy has cankles. I saw them myself in the Reward Challenge. Ok, so yeah, the Villains are elbows deep in mashed potatoes when Parvati decides to place her napkin on her lap. She opens the carefully folded piece of fabric and a tiny scroll of paper falls out landing on her thighs. Knowing that piece of paper is something important she shoves it in the only place she has available - her bikini bottoms - and then keeps on eating. *stands and applauds* Did you see that? That's how you're supposed to handle clues at the dinner table! Where's Candice? Someone rewind that shit for her and make her watch it over and over again like in Clockwork Orange. You do not, I repeat, DO NOT dramatically unroll the scroll ever so slowly in front of your entire tribe and read it's contents aloud. You stick it where the sun don't shine and you save it for later when it's safe to dig it out. Bless you Parvati. Bless you.

As girls are often wont to do, Parvati and Danielle get up from the table to go to the bathroom together. Once they're a safe distance away from the others Parvati stomps her legs out to the side like a sumo wrestler, pulls her bikini bottom askew, and out falls the scroll. Danielle is fascinated and mildly disgusted so she lets Parvati unroll the scroll on her own. Yup... just like we thought... a clue to another Idol. Letting Danielle in on the secret was part of Parvati's big plan. She figures making Danielle a Succubus too shows Danielle just how loyal Parvati is. They can hunt together now. The bonds forged in the Succubus Sisterhood are unbreakable and it's one place where men are definitely not allowed... especially men named Lucifer. Parvati wants a secret all for herself. Lucifer is good for her for a little while, but when it's crunch time she knows he's untrustworthy. She says, "[Lucifer] is on a need to know basis and, right now, he doesn't need to know." *pours gin all over myself* Heaven. In that moment I fell in love with Parvati. I put on a teeny bikini, smiled really big (carefully making sure the smile didn't reach my eyes), and developed a hint of a valley girl lilt. She's a worthy adversary to Lucifer. She's the only one who can give him a run for his money... literally. My sister, new to the show, summed it up best on the phone last night, "Every girl should strive to be like Parvati." Amen sistah!

Over in the land of Kittens, JT couldn't give a fig about missing out on eating some damn steak. He eats steak everyday back at home. Dey's uh steak-kabobs, steak creole, steak gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple steak, lemon steak, coconut steak, pepper steak, steak soup, steak stew, steak salad, steak and potatoes, steak burger, steak sandwich. That- that's about it. So yeah, back at home, JT lives in a steak paradise. Besides, he has more important things to think about right now than steak. One of which is Lucifer. Like a penis fish, Lucifer has made his way inside JT's nether regions and has latched on to a very important artery or something secreting Lucifer poison into JT's blood stream. That's the only way I can think to explain what happens next. JT has a plan. He took out some crayons and construction paper, made a diarama, and a relief map and came up with a plan to give Lucifer the Immunity Idol. Let's all pause for a second and try to wrap our heads around this. JT wants to give a Villain he knows nothing about an Immunity Idol days before the Merge. Wow. I'm uhhh... well, I'm... *scratches head*... I'm at a fucking loss for words is what I am.

His logic (if you can call it that) is that Lucifer will be so grateful and moved by the gesture that he'll save himself, vote out Parvati, and come skipping over to the Heroes as soon as Probst says "merge". This will give the Heroes 6 people hence the majority. Rupert, and the chipmunk family living in his shoes, thinks the plan is fabulous. Galumpy, and I really hate saying this, is the only one who thinks it's crazy. She even says, "He could be in with the girls for all we know." I hate hate hate that she was right, but the fact that she was picking ear wax out of her ears when she said it makes her still a stupid tree stump of a person in my mind. It's even in my notes: Galumpy picking the wax out of her ears asks JT how he’ll give him the clue. So, even though Galumpy is technically right, she's still wrong (as a human). I stand by that. Candice, on the other hand, sees all this as an opportunity. She looks at it as a chance to separate JT from his Idol. Leave it to Candice to go into the Merge targetting her own tribe.

Back over at Parvati's Playpen For Girls, Lucifer is staring out at the ocean deep in thought. Up close the water is a crystalline sparkling blue, but out far far away it's a milky black velvet abyss of evil. At least that's what I think he's thinking. The sea holds many secrets and Lucifer wants to dive in and collect them all for himself. He wants to swim around and get his hands all pruney. Maybe wrestle an octopus or two. Lucifer stays lost in his maritime thoughts while just down the road apiece Parvati and Danielle are busy hunting for the Idol. They've read the clue and now they're digging. Will Lucifer catch them? He can smell an Idol from 100 ft away. It smells a little like lilac and car exhaust wrapped in bacon. All good things come wrapped in bacon. I learned that by watching Top Chef. Anyhow, the girls find the Idol and a new queen is born. Parvati is now in control of this game. Lucifer is no longer in charge. Sure, he'll keep thinking he's in charge, but, in reality, Parvati is running the show. She just needs to keep that Idol secret for as long as she can.

Over in Candyland, JT is busy putting the wheels of his plan into motion. He decides the best way to make contact with Lucifer is to write him a letter so a producer hands JT a pen and he gets to work.

Dear Lucifer,

How's it going over there at your camp? It's ok here at mine. Rupert keeps giving our food to all the animals that live on him, but other than that everything is cool. The real reason I'm writing is to let you know you've got a friend. Like in that James Taylor song... you know the one, right? Winter, spring, summer, or faaaalllll... all you got to do is call... and I'll be there, yeah yeah yeah. I once saw James Taylor in concert. We should get tickets sometimes man. I can fly to Texas and we can go to a show. Think about it. Let me know.

I have a big secret and I trust you because, you know, you look really trustworthy and whatnot. I found the Immunity Idol! Isn't that cool? It smells a little funny, but it's pretty awesome. Anyhow, ummm do you want it? I thought with the girls in control you might like to have it. I grew up with 18 sisters and I know what a pain in the ass a house full of girls can be so I feel your pain man. There's never enough hot water and it's like pulling teeth getting into the bathroom in the morning. Do you have sisters?

Ok so use the Idol to save yourself and then make sure you vote out that bitch Parvati. I don't really like her. She looks kinda mean. Don't you think she's mean? I do. Anyways... vote her out and then when we merge you can sleep next to me and we'll be besties. It'll be SO much fun! When I was little I learned some really cool ghost stories and I'll tell them to you if you want. We can make s'mores too. I brought all the stuff with me. Don't tell anyone though. Cross your heart and hope to die. Hopefully, I can trust you and you're not truly a villain.

See ya soon! BFF forever!

Love and other indoor sports,

P.S. Destroy this right when you finish reading!

JT, looking scared and hesitant, folds his letter carefully and looks to Colby for reassurance. Colby smiles and tells JT that if this works it'll be Survivor history. Survivor history is right. History of the dumbest move ever in the whole entire world.

This brings us to the Immunity Challenge. Teams have to start on a platform out in the middle of the water and swim one by one carrying a bag of puzzle pieces through an obstacle course blah blah blah. Seriously, the details of this challenge are unimportant. All you need to know is what happened during the last leg. It was such perfection and bliss that I stopped and took a look around the room to see if I was really in heaven instead. Heaven could have empty boxes of wine on the floor, right? Anyhow, Colby whispers to Lucifer that JT has something to give him. "Use it tonight. Protect yourself. Come aboard with us.", he says. Lucifer, in a moment of pure magic, bats his eyelashes and asks Colby all innocent like who he should get rid of? Colby tells him to get rid of Parvati. Lucifer nods in agreement and says, "She's running the show." A unicorn fell out of the sky and plunged into the ocean but, thankfully, Colby didn't see it. Lucifer mutters, "Aww shucks... I wish I could shake your hand right now." At that precise moment a gaggle of geese somewhere exploded, puppies everywhere lost their tails, glitter refused to sparkle, and babies were born with 13 toes. That moment in time was at once evil and beautiful and the world responded in the only way it knew how: with chaos.

So the challenge ends (Heroes won) and all eyes are on Lucifer and JT. They do that thing you did when you were in elementary school after you played soccer or little league where you smack the other teams hands and say, "Good game, good game, good game, good game..." over and over again. I felt like I was watching it in slow motion though. Lucifer walking in the sand towards JT. JT walking towards Lucifer. Somewhere in the middle they meet, hug, and the hand off is made. Lucifer is now in posession of JT's Immunity Idol. Ho. Ly. Shit.

My stunned silence was interrupted with the sound of laughter. It's Parvati. She's clutching her sides, stamping her feet, and guffawing so loud you'd think Gossip Girl was on twice a week or something. The camera pulls out and we discover Lucifer reading Parvati the letter from JT. They're taking turns pointing at key phrases and reading aloud. At home I almost spit my gin out all over my laptop. I was almost crying from laughing so hard. I might have even snorted. Parvati reenacts the letter and adds her own flavor to it. Lucifer thinks JT just handed him a million dollars. They finally get to the last sentence... "Destroy this right when you finish reading" and both fall back into the sand cackling in unison. Never has a such a funny and more ridiculous scene ever graced Survivor. My god... I could watch that over and over again. For a few seconds there was peace in the Middle East and cancer was cured. It was that beautiful.

Off in the distance a duo not privy to JT's letter is very serious. Sandra and Courtney are commiserating over the fact that one of them is most likely going home. Sandra doesn't want Courtney to go. She's the beans to Sandra's rice... or something like that. Unfortunately for her, it looks like it's going to be Courtney's time. Lucifer and Parvati don't trust her and think she'll flip when given the chance. There was a split second where Courtney pledged her loyalty to Parvati and Parvati actually reconsidered. We'd have to wait until Tribal Council to see what Parvati decided to do.

At Tribal Council Coach enters all befeathered and wearing a silk kimono, but something even more disturbing than Coach grabbed my attention. Danielle has grown herself quite the little moustache and like Austin Power's in that Mole scene, I just kept staring at it. Danielle bickered with Sandra over something but I just kept whispering, " -'stache... 'stache.... shave your 'stache". I was very mature about it all. In the end, Courtney became the second member of the jury. I could kind of care less about Courtney. There was way too much other fascinating stuff going on for me to give a fig about her.

So, what did you guys think about last night? Were you dying? Is JT the dumbest player ever? Can Parvati outwit Lucifer? Will Sandra fuck it all up next week? Will Candice defect and try to oust JT? Will Rupert eventually die of rabies? In a Parvati/Lucifer showdown, who do you want to win? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!