Friday, April 23, 2010

You Have Some 'Splainin' To Do


Occasionally, in life, two things will mash and meld together to create one, shiny and new, different thing. Sometimes the product is great and fluffy and sometimes it's sucky and prickly. Peanut butter and jelly. Gin and vermouth. Rum and coke. Wine and cheese. Internet and porn. Sex and handcuffs. Gladiators and loin cloths. Those are examples of fluffy great things. Spartacus and cancer. Lala and sprained ankle. Sprained right ankle and driving. Puffy blue foot and pretty red toes. JT and thinking. Those are examples of sucky prickly things. Last night as we watched the Heroes and Villains become one, we witnessed a miracle. Light beams shot out, harps played, rainbows darted across the sky, and one Queen stood above it all and smiled. She looked down on all she had created and sighed languidly on her cloud. She saw that it was good... not just good, but yummy finger licking good. Like a fat man with a bucket of KFC, Parvati gorged herself on human hearts and led the way for bitches everywhere. Let's recap, shall we?


The sun rises on a new day in Samoa and we find our Heroes bored. JT is picking his teeth with a twig. Rupert is petting the chipmunks in his shorts. Galumpy (Amanda) is furrowing her brow and scratching her elbows. Candice is off somwhere giving a tree a dirty look and Colby, poor stupid boring Colby, sits embroidering a big bold 'S' on the back of his cape. The 'S' is supposed to be for "Superman", but you and I both know it really stands for "Sucker". So anyhow, our Heroes are bored and sad until out of the sky a big leathery trunk falls smack dab in the middle of their camp. It's locked and none of the Heroes know how to open it. JT is sure the Villains are hiding inside bearing roses. He fixes his hair, jauntily adjusts his buff, and sits like a schoolboy clapping and giggling to himself while waiting for the Villains to arrive.


Over at the Villains camp, Parvati stands on the beach surveying the ocean. Her hair blowing expertly in the wind, she rolls down her bikini. It was then that the sky opened up and delivered a shiny brass key and a map to the Heroes camp right at her feet. Things are always popping up, poking out, and landing at her feet whenever she adjusts her bikini bottoms. It's just what happens. Cool as a cucumber, she shrugs her shoulders, scoops up her goodies (including the key and map), and saunters back to camp. News of the Merge excites the Villains. They're ready. They're prepared. They stayed up all last night painting their faces and thinking up delicious lies to sprinkle on the Heroes. This is what Villains do - they lie. They smile sweetly, pucker their lips, stare you right in the eye, and deliver the most convincing falsity you've ever heard. You may want to turn away from a Villain and seek shelter, but you can't. Once they've got you in their clutches you have no choice but to nod hypnotically and succumb to their every whim. Lying serves most Villains well and makes their skin glow, their hair shine, and their teeth sparkle. Unfortunately for one big breasted Villain, the side effects of lying aren't all that physically pleasing. Sure, Danielle has shiny hair, big perky boobs, and a pretty smile, but she also has a thick lustrous moustache that just won't stop growing. Last season we had Brett and his freaky nipples. This season we have Danielle and her handlebar moustache. Awesome.


The Villains grab their pitchforks, pony pelts, bloody kitten heads, scabby puppy tails, what's left of their chicken feathers (Coach stole most of them), some random Immunity Idols, and begin the hike over the Heroes camp. Parvati throws her backpack over her shoulder and smirks to herself. She's got an Immunity Idol inside that only Danielle Chaplin, her lady in waiting, knows about. Not even the proud triumphant Lucifer knows of it's existence. A Queeen needs her secrets - secrets that even the King knows nothing about. Let's hope Parvati's fate turns out a little different from Anne Boleyn's. It only takes one traiter to fuck things up and make heads roll.


The Heroes wait anxiously on the beach for their new tribemates to arrive. JT, with hand to forehead, peers into the distance searching for a short little fat man. Instead, he sees a lithe long haired brunette with way too many teeth. Her hips going this way and that seem to whisper in the breeze, "Haha... haha... haha... haha..." JT, momentarily crestfallen, decides not that Lucifer has betrayed him, but that Parvati must have saved herself with her own Idol. Lucifer is so full of love and light that it's impossible to conceive he'd pull a fast one on JT. I mean, JT has known Lucifer for maybe a total of 6 hours at this point and, if there's one thing JT is, it's an excellent judge of character. He's been that way all his life. His room as a boy was adorned with posters of all sorts of great men JT could look up to... Kim Jong Il, Jesse James, Osama Bin Laden, Michael Lohan... misunderstood men who are really filled with skittles and gumdrops. JT knows Lucifer must have a good explanation for why Parvati remains. Maybe he misspelled "Parvati" and spelled "Courtney" instead. It could happen.


The other Heroes see Parvati and scratch their heads. They look at one another quizically wondering what went wrong. JT, on the other hand, bursts forth and greets the Villains with open arms. He drapes big fragrant leis of daisies and peonies ceremoniously over each Villain... except Parvati. To Parvati he blows a raspberry in her face. Everyone hugs, Jerri grabs Colby's ass, and Rupert shows Sandra the hummingbirds living in his socks. It's a big celebration complete with meat, fruit, veggies, and darkly ominous black buffs. They discuss new tribe names and decide upon Yin and Yang... because it means good and evil. Allow me to clarify - to JT it means good and evil. To the rest of the world, it means interconnected complementary opposing forces. JT lives in his own world with his own rules where black is bad, white is good, and a southern accent denotes a gentlemen. I'm guessing that somewhere down the road this narrow outlook will get that young man in trouble.


It doesn't take long for some Villains to pair up with some Heroes to discuss why the fuck Parvati is still there. Rupert is suspicious and wants answers while JT sits in a corner and makes Lucifer a crown of baby's breath. Like he rehearsed, Lucifer tells the Heroes that Parvati used her Idol at the exact same time he did. He swears on his kids he's with the Heroes - somewhere deep in the heart of Texas his kids keeled over dead - and tells the Heroes he's got everything under control. All they need to do is trust him. JT smiles to himself. He knew it all along. Lucifer is the next Mother Teresa and he'll probably be sainted sometime soon. The mere idea that Lucifer could be running the Villain girls is just silly. That's like saying that Tila Tequila doesn't tell the truth. Preposterous!


Sandra, on the other hand, has revenge on her mind and is feeding Rupert (and the groundhogs living in his armpits) a very different story. She swears on a Blooming Onion that Lucifer is the kingpin and that Parvati is second in command. If Lucifer tells the Heroes the girls are running the show he's lying. Now, I don't know about you, but it began to rain Blooming Onions in my backyard. One would think Rupert would be shocked, in awe, and grateful for the information that has just landed on his lap. Instead he stands on the beach (petting the goats attached to his shorts) and gives us another long drawn out already obvious statement. He says, "This *pause* is where *pause* the game *pause* gets crazy." Tell me something I don't know you freaking Sasquatch!


Rupert marches back to the where the tribemates are congregating and I'm thinking to myself, "OK this is where he drops the bomb. This is where the Heroes realize that Lucifer is the lord of the underworld." What does Rupert decide to do? He decides to monitor the plantain supply and give Parvati a black check mark by her name for having the gall to eat a plantain out of turn. He checks and double checks the Banana Etiquette For Happy Camping manual and discovers that Parvati, has indeed, broken a rule. He writes her up a citation, tells her to appear in the Banana Municipal Court on such and such a date, and fines her two coconuts for the aggravation. Only in passing, under his breath, does his mumble something to JT about what Sandra told him. JT's response was typical. He fanned himself furiously and cried, "Oh fiddlesticks. Lucifer is a good ole country boy like me!" The other Heroes aren't as certain (or mental) as JT so they collectively decide to tell Lucifer they're voting for Parvati, but they'll really be voting for someone else. JT rolls his eyes, sprays some perfume on his neck, and adjusts his petticoat. He thinks all these precautions are just too silly for words. OK Blanche Dubois... whatever you say.


Elsewhere Parvati is busy actually playing the game and trying to get a read on Galumpy. They've played together in the past so it only makes sense for them to compare notes and forge an alliance (much to my dismay). In physical reality, Galumpy towers over Parvati with her long tree trunk legs, but once in Parvati's presence Galumpy shrinks and shrivels up into an insignificant speck of nothingness. It's almost magical the power one person's confidence has over another person. Galumpy tries with all her might (and cankles) to deceive Parvati into thinking they're teammates and that she'll do whatever she can to convince her buffoon cavalry to get rid of Sandra instead. She's so fucking stupid. Parvati may be a succubus, but she's also gifted like a shark. She can smell fear and desperation... 2 heady scents that just happen to be eeking out of Galumpy's pores. They smell like mildew and wet dog... or maybe that's Galumpy's natural scent. I'm not sure. Anyhow, for God knows what reason, Parvati actually tells Galumpy she has an Idol. Ugh! I was horrified, but knowing that Parvati has powers beyond my realm of understanding I decided to ignore it and think of happy things insteads. Things like wheels of cheese and naked leprechauns.


This brings us to our first Individual Immunity Challenge. Castaways have to hold onto a pole for as long as possible. Oh goody... endurance! Galumpy whines, "Oh my god... this is scary!" Oh shut the fuck up you hose beast. The challenge starts and Sandra is pretty much out on the word "go!". Colby follows shortly thereafter with Lucifer right behind him. Bunch of slackers. Rupert and his personal petting zoo fall into a big grunting heap while Candice sits atop the pole perched like a bird. She looks around annoyed at the pole, annoyed at the sky, annoyed at the sand, annoyed at the wind, annoyed she has to breathe in and out. Bitch is annoyed by everything I tell you! On another pole JT is clinging like a spider monkey and on yet another, Galumpy's cankles are proving too heavy and she falls (Yes!).


Now, I've been to the ballet a few times in my life. I've seen Ethan Steifel leap to impossible heights in La Corsaire. I've seen girls with hard to pronounce last names bend their legs in all sorts of fascinating ways, but one thing I've never seen is a ballerina perch him or herself on a wooden pole using only one foot and one arm and look like they haven't got a care in the world. Balanchine himself rolled over in his grave when Parvati did what she did on that pole. Jerri took one look at Parvati pirouetting 20 ft in the air, threw up her hands, and said, "Fuck it. I'm out." It was awe inspiring. It was vaguely reminscent of Natalie in BB9 holding onto the rope with nothing but boobs and hips. For whatever reason, probably fear, Candice quits and we're left with Parvati Kirkland and Danielle Reynolds. In the end, Parvati gives immunity to her hairy lipped friend and DANIELLE WINS IMMUNITY!!!


Back at camp the Heroes have deduced that Parvati must have the Idol since she quit the challenge. They decide to vote out either Jerri or Sandra. Speaking of Sandra, it's just now hitting her that her big mouth could quite possibly get her in trouble. She wants Lucifer out, but she knows she's stuck with him for the time being.


And speaking of Lucifer, guess what he's doing right about now? He's getting his Immunity Idol to GIVE to PARVATI so she doesn't go home tonight. Let's just pause for a minute and appreciate the ridiculous magnitude of such a decision. That would be the second time he's put his neck out for her. It's at that moment that I truly begin to appreciate Parvati's secret powers. Seriously, bitch needs to write a book entitled "How To Turn Men Into Bitch Boys". I don't know how and I don't know why (maybe it's the teeth... or the hair... or the impossibly low bikini bottoms... I don't know!), but Lucifer marches over to Parvati with a big toothless grin and delivers her his Immunity Idol. *throws roses at Parvati's feet* Parvati, puts hand to chest and exclaims, "Ohhhh you!" LMAO The perfection in that moment was divine. The clouds parted, the angels wept, and the world looked like it was all covered in glitter. It was bee-you-tee-full.


Armed with two, count 'em - TWO, Immunity Idols, Parvati sashays with the others to Tribal Council. Coach enters in another silk kimono while Courtney is wearing a handkerchief for a dress. Immediately, Rupert starts bellowing about Banana Etiquette. Lucifer shakes his head in horror saying, "Who cares about bananas?! Let's play the game!" In the corner, JT feigns sadness saying no one will talk to him. Jerri twirls her curly locks and says, "I'll talk to you" and by "talk" she means "fuck".


Parvati flips her hair, cocks a shoulder, and says, "I feel like a leper." Probst, being... well "Probsty" asks Parvati if it's because she's not getting all the attention. Parvati shoots him a devil stare rendering his loins incapacitated. I swear I saw smoke eek out of Probst's khaki shorts. Anyone else see it?


Then the talk turns to Idols. Who has 'em? Have they been used? How many are still out there? JT doesn't know the answers to any of these questions. Meanwhile Parvati says she's seen the Power Of The Idol (not unlike Huey Lewis' 'Power Of Love'). She knows firsthand what they can do. Let's cut to the chase and see what she's talking about shall we? It's time to vote bitches. If anyone has the Immunity Idol and wants to play it, do it now or forever hold your piece.


Silence.


Then we hear it. A throaty voice interrupts the night air... "I want to use my Idol Jeff.", Parvati declares. At home our chests got tight and we leaned in a little closer. She continues, "to save Sandra." Sandra?!? Weird. Rupert and JT try to stifle giggles, but hold on cowboys. Queen Parvati is not done yet... She clears her throat, reaches down into her back of tricks, and pulls. out a second Idol. *gasp* "I want to increase my odds and give this one to Jerri." Oh no she di-in't! Say it with me now, OH YES SHE DID!!! Sandra and Jerri are floored. Lucifer's head exploded. Rupert killed the skunk living in his belly button and I think JT fainted. *giggles* At home I'm dying. I'm Rachel Zoe dying. Ba-nanas!


Let's read the votes... JERRI (yes!), JERRI (oh yeah baby), JERRI (suck on that Galumpy), JERRI... at this point Jerri is literally shitting herself. Her hands are covering her face and she's trying to keep her eyeballs from popping out of socket.... JERRI (victory!).... here we go... JT, JT, JT, the 11th person voted out of Survivor Heroes V. Villains is motherfucking JT!!! *stands and applauds* Oh. My. God. Was it good for you cuz that shit just rocked my world?


The episode closes with one simple statement from Lucifer to Parvati... "You have some 'splainin' to do." *giggles*


Sooooo what did you guys think? Was that magic or was that magic? Do you think Lucifer will turn on Parvati? Will Sandra lead a revolt? How thick do you think Danielle's moustache will be next week? Will Candice ever smile? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!