Friday, May 7, 2010

You Have To Hep Me To Hep You

It is fabled that the Sasquatch is living in the Pacific Northwest of the United States. People have traveled from all over the world and hiked to the densest part of the forest to try to get a glimpse of this oversized hairy beast. Some of the lucky ones have managed to get a grainy snapshot or two. I, on the other hand, am taking a more scientific approach to uncovering the real Sasquatch. I'm wearing a lab coat, some black rimmed glasses, and swirling all sorts of exciting liquids (gin, scotch, vodka) in beakers as I write this. I've got Kenny Rogers on the stereo and Zack Galifianakis on the TV. I guess you could say I'm in the zone. For a while I've had a sneaking suspicion that Sasquatch is living in Samoa not in Seattle, but I was never really able to prove it... until now! After hours of drinking from my beakers I logged onto Wikipedia and prepared to change anthropological history forever. Within two minutes I not only found my evidence, but I found that if you mix scotch and gin together and hold your nose while drinking it, it's really not that bad, but I digress. According to Wikipedia, "[Sasquatch] is described in reports as a large hairy ape-like creature, ranging between 6–10 feet (2–3 m) tall, weighing in excess of 500 pounds (230 kg), and covered in dark brown or dark reddish hair. Alleged witnesses have described large eyes, a pronounced brow ridge, and a large, low-set forehead; the top of the head has been described as rounded and crested, similar to the sagittal crest of the male gorilla. [Sasquatch] is commonly reported to have a strong, unpleasant smell by those who claim to have encountered it." I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! Rupert Boneham, the foul smelling grunting behemoth on Survivor, is indeed Sasquatch! Someone call the Wikipedia Center For Scientific Research. I'm quite sure I'll get a big fancy award for my detective work on this. Let's recap, shall we?

Under the dark sparkly sky of Samoa after taking part in of my most favorite Tribal Councils ever, the castaways make their way slowly and solemnly back to camp. Galumpy is gone and, as far as I'm concerned, it's time for celebrating. Instead of finding my Villains pouring warm goat's blood into goblets and adorning their bodies with necklaces made of chicken bones I see Jerri in a corner talking all crazy and suggesting that they get rid of Candice pronto. Pipe down Chachi! Candice just saved your indecisive ass and, besides, there's not another Tribal Council for at least another day. Take a chill pill, put a feathered hat on, and celebrate the fact that you don't have to lay eyes on Galumpy anymore. I know that's what I'm doing. *wearing only a bra hits a pinata with a red patent leather stilleto*

Over in another corner of the jungle Rupert is petting the tiny chick emerging from his belly button and muttering something about being "so close"... "We were so close," he says. So close to what? So close to scaring the camera men with your odor? So close to having the Endangered Animal Society confiscate your body and put it in captivity? So close to what?!? Colby, hands on hips, stands there nodding in agreement. Actually, I don't really know if Colby was agreeing or what. Colby's only strategic move this entire game is to stand and nod. If standing and nodding were an Olympic sport, Colby would be champion of the Universe. Sometimes he stands and nods with his hands on his hips and other times he stands and nods with his arms crossed over his chest. He's a talented guy. No one, and I mean no one, can out-stand or out-nod Colby. So there's Colby standing and nodding and trying to form a sentence. He sputters out "Candice" and "pathetic". Rupert feeds his chick a worm he got out of his ear and grumbles, "Sinking ship." Conversation isn't exactly these two dynamos' strong suit.

A new day dawns and Rupert is deep in thought picking the nits out of his hair. It's been almost 30 days and endless blindsides, but Rupert is just now coming to the conclusion that Lucifer (Russell Hantz) is someone who cannot be trusted. Someone remind me to ammend that Wikipedia post to say something like, "the Sasquatch, while sharing many chromosomes with apes and humans, has an unusually slow and stilted logic and reasoning response capability." Rupert looks at Lucifer and sees pure evil. Well, I look at Rupert and see pure filth. I'm not sure which is worse. Since I shower if I so much as clean the kitchen counter I'm gonna say that "pure filth" is the more offending sin. After reasoning that Lucifer is much worse than Johnny Fairplay, Rupert decides to stage a big public outing of Lucifer and his evil ways. He'll do what Skeletor Alex did to Jill Z. last night at that girl's get together. Only instead of a Pinot lisping Ramona and an orange-y leathery Kelly, we'll have a bonfire and a troll in a fedora. This should be good.

Rupert adjusts his tie dyed tank top, smooths his hair away from his face, and sashays in to the camp where the Villains are cooking Crispy Pony for lunch. Colby tiptoes behind him offering cowered moral support coupled with sinister unhappy glances. The Villains, ravenous and focused on food, don't even notice Rupert approaching and have no idea an all out bitch fight is seconds away. Rupert harumps into the middle of the scene and starts waving his arms (from which a flock of geese flies out) and shuffling from side to side he bellows, "You are in high school and while you're in high school I'm in Brooklyn!" Lucifer looks up annoyed to be bothered while cooking, shrugs his shoulders, and says, "Rupert, I'm a Villain."


Rupert just stands there confused at the logic that's just been hurled at him. In the distance Parvati giggles, Danielle combs her moustache, Jerri puts on another scarf, and Sandra adjusts her fishing cap. If Rupert doesn't step off, these Villains are gonna get all West Side Story or Bad Girls Club on his hairy ass. You don't mess with a Villain at meal time. That's only common sense. They're very much like wolves in that respect... and not those New Moon pussy wolves either. These are hardcore wolves like the kind you see howling on a t-shirt. Lucifer, flanked by his women, growls and gets up to approach Rupert. He starts throwing darts at the confused Sasquatch. One says "Second coming of Christ". Another says "You're a dumb ass". Yet another says, "Get your tie dye ready cuz you're going home". Rupert tries to block the poisoned darts with Colby, but Colby just cries and wriggles away.

This brings us to our first challenge of the night. The challenge is called, "Which Chick Grew The Most Arm Pit Hair?" or something like that. All the bitches had to stand on a perch and hold onto a rope linked to a bucket of paint. The last person to keep their bucket of paint from falling wins Immunity. It was very Parent Trap-esque (1961 Parent Trap, mind you - the only one I'll watch) like when Susan snuck into Sharon's cabin and set up all the booby traps. I'm quite sure one was a paint can over the door... only it might have been filled with chocolate... I'm not sure. Anyhow, Survivors have to stand there making their arms all sore while Probst-y will snicker and tempt them with delicious treats. Before Dimples manages to even wheel out the first covered surprised Sandra and Lucifer leap off their perches and quit. Now, I'm not exactly sure why they did what they did. I figure Sandra did it cuz competing ain't her thang, but I can't figure out why Lucifer did it... or at least why he did it so soon. I'm a careful sort of a person (when I'm sober) and I like to cover all my bets so I would have made sure a number of Villains were left standing to beat out Colby and Rupert. These bitches were dropping like flies though.

One would think that Colby and Rupert would do anything, and I mean anything, in their power to make sure one of them won Immunity. What does Colby do at the first sign of a Frappacino? He leaps off, quits, and gets his cape all dirty in the process. He can't unhook his hand fast enough to get that frothy goodness down his throat. Again I ask, Why. Is. He. Here? He's useless! The Villain girls aren't really all that much better as they, too, quit at the offering of some peanut butter and jelly and Doritoes. Every single Villain abandoned Parvati while Colby sat smiling with donut goo in his teeth and Rupert held on for dear life. In the end the Villains were lucky (or were they?) and PARVATI WINS IMMUNITY!

At the end of the challenge Jeff reads aloud to all the Survivors a clue to where the next Immunity Idol lies. It mentions something about a burning bush so, naturally, Sandra thinks it's a bush on fire. I was hoping the burning bush would be like that singing bush in Three Amigos and we'd get to hear a little ditty or something, but no dice. The burning bush was simply a bush with red leaves. All the Survivors scatter and start searching for the Idol. Lucifer starts digging at one red bush and Sandra starts digging at another. It turns out Sandra finds the Idol, can't fit it into her shorts, and hides it under a green bush for safekeeping. *sigh* Doesn't everyone know by now that when you find something of value you stick in your hoo ha? Are me and Parvati the only people who know this? Jewelry, lollipops, leather boots, gin bottles, Immunity Idols, scrolls to Idols... I don't care what it is, stick it in your hoo ha and deal with it later. Kangaroos have pouches. Women have hoo has. Put 'em to good use ladies.

So, Sandra has the Idol, which is remarkably anticlimactic, and Rupert decides to go off and pretend like he has the Idol. He grabs a rock and sticks it in his pocket thinking it'll fool all the Villains. What do you know? It fools the one Villain who thinks he's master of the universe. Now, I enjoy watching Lucifer as much as the next person, but he's really getting on my nerves this season. He thinks he knows everything - when he doesn't. He thinks he masterminds the whole show - which he doesn't. And he thinks he's always in charge - which he never is. I've decided to put all of my love and adoration behind Parvati this season. She never lets her ego get in the way of her reason. She doesn't boast and have the need to be the center of attention when it comes to game play and she knows how to stick things in nature's "compartment". I'm going on record here and now saying that I do not want Lucifer to win this season. He can get to the finals. That's fine, but having a woman beat him in the end all over again would be something I can giggle at. Sure, he's made some clever moves, but I move that Parvati's have been even more clever. Besides, Lucifer's game is beginning to unravel as we'll see shortly.

Ok so Lucifer is 100% sure that Rupert has the Idol so he decides that they'll split the votes tonight to cover their asses in case Rupert plays it. This should be a no brainer. If Rupert doesn't go tonight, then Colby will. Chisel it in stone. Make it a law. A Hero must go home. Then walks in Jerri and her mess of curls. Jerri, who's been silent for just about the whole game, suddenly has something to say. She wants Candice to go home instead of Colby. Jerri, honey, Colby doesn't like you. He's never liked you. He will never like you. Candice is low on the totem pole in Villain Land. Worry about her later!

Clearly, no one is listening to me. The only person listening to anyone is Colby. Colby is listening in to Jerri talk about getting rid of Candice. Thus begins the Jerri fallout. Jerri, whom I've always liked and cheered for, will prove to be the orchestrator of every single bad decision that befell my precious Villains since day one. Seriously, think about it. Who is always the swing vote that never votes the right way? It's Jerri! Who is the one who comes up with all the cockamamie ideas on who to evict first? It's Jerri! Who wears entirely way too many accessories in the jungles of Samoa? It's Jerri! Fucking Jerri is the one truly running the show not Lucifer and not Parvati. It's Jerri! The only thing is... she has no idea she's running things which makes her not only dangerous, but extremely lucky as well.

This brings us to our first Tribal Council which I'm going to try to cruise through here pretty quick. I was watching last night's episode with Sister #2 and, if I do say so myself, I've trained her well as to who to like and who to hate. So anyhow, in walks the jury and my sister takes one look at Galumpy and says, "She looks uglier clean!" The pride I felt was immeasurable. And with that, no Idol is played (duh), Jerri continues to run the show, and Candice is the 13th person voted out of Survivor Heroes V. Villains. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!

OK so Candice is gone and Lucifer is less than thrilled. I can't tell if he's more mad that Colby didnt go home or if the fact that Jerri called all the shots behind his back is what's really chapping his ass. See, that's my problem with Lucifer. While he's good at playing the game, his ego always gets in his way and clouds his judgment. He even had the nerve to blame the girls for playing too emotionally. Ha! Give me a break. If anyone is playing emotionally, it's Lucifer. Whenever someone makes him feel less of a man, they're next on the chopping block. Whenever someone threatens his choices, they're deemed a threat. Lucifer, strategic though he is, plays like he has 5 ovaries and a yeast infection. Just look at how he reacted when the girls told him Rupert doesn't have the Idol. Was he embarrassed he got it wrong? Was he thankful for the information? No, he was pissed off he didn't figure it out first and mad he's not the only one running the show. The only problem is he's under the impression that Parvati is running things when I'm quite sure clueless Jerri is the one to blame. Lucifer is jealous and angry and when the Lord Of The Underworld gets jealous and angry there's no telling what he'll do next. Envy and wrath are two of the seven deadly sins you know. Paranoia should be the eighth. Paranoia will destroy ya... didn't Nelson Mandela say that or something?

And we arrive at the 2nd Immunity Challenge. It involved all these stages and whatnot that I'm too pissed off to go through to be quite honest. All you need to know is it comes down to Parvati, Lucifer, and Rupert solving a slide table puzzle. In the end Lucifer won Immunity, my leprechaun was beaten to a pulp, and all my bathtub gin is gone. Dammit.

Back at camp the sky opened up and the rains fell. I'm quite sure it was acid rain (does that still exist?) because it made everyone back at camp cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs... Lucifer in particular. Parvati, minding her own business, thinks it's great Rupert lost because he for sure doesn't have the Idol and now they can send his ass home. She laughs her throaty laugh, flashes her too many teeth, and smiles at Lucifer. Lucifer is charmed, but not like before. He still pines for Parvati, but he wants her all to himself now. Like a scorned husband with a ball of rope and a couple rolls of duct tape in the back of his truck, he seeks out Danielle to eliminate the one thing standing in the way of him and Parvati riding off in the sunset together. Am I the only one who had flashes of Scott Peterson and various episodes of Dateline and 20/20 when Lucifer went on his rampage to fuck with Danielle? Seriously, his wife better not make a friend or cheat on him. I fear for her welfare.

Out on the beach Danielle was sitting by herself combing her facial hair into a pretty little 1930's era moustache. She'd fashioned a sand dollar into a comb and was using some of Rupert's excess body oil to hold each hair into place. She sure is creative. I'll give her that. Out of nowhere comes Lucifer with a taser in his shorts and a couple yards of heavy steal chain wrapped over his shoulder. He decides to tell Danielle that Parvati came up with a plan to vote her out. Oh no he di-in't! Oh yes he did. Asshole! Danielle doesn't really believe him, but she plays it off like she'll consider it. Lucifer is a little annoyed Danielle isn't more upset and throwing a hissy fit so he keeps laying it on thicker and thicker how evil Parvati is. The more he talks, the more full of shit Danielle knows he is.

Well, part one of his plan didn't go as well as he'd liked, but Lucifer is persistant so he goes ahead and proceeds with part two. He waddles right up to Parvati and tells her that Danielle wants her out of the game asap. Parvati essentially looks at him and laughs in his face. She checks her calendar to see if it's April Fool's Day and wonders if maybe she's on a new version of Candid Camera. She's not buying what Lucifer's selling for one second. It was at this point where I began to lose all respect for Lucifer. If you look at his face you can tell he expected Parvati to be like, "Oh goodness me! You're such a smart man. You're so right! We must get rid of Danielle now. Thank you so much for saving me you big strong man!" If we had a window into Lucifer's mind at the moment of how he thought that whole scene would go down I guarantee it would have had Parvati on her knees thanking Lucifer with every fiber of her being for looking out for her and being her protector. Sorry Lucifer, but Parvati doesn't roll that way. If you're going to lie to Parvati, make it believable and, for god sakes, don't throw a hissy fit when she threatens to fact check your info.

Naturally, Parvati says she's going to talk to Danielle. Lucifer, scared because he's a spineless troll, starts hemming and hawing that if Parvati dares to talk to Danielle then she's going home next. Why not just say, "You caught me. I'm full of shit." It would have been much easier than that arm flailing panicky fit he threw on the beach. Parvati, balls swinging side to side, instructs Lucifer that no one tells her who she can talk to. She leaves Lucifer with his lower lip trembling and planning Danielle's death. He decides he needs a shovel and some battery acid just in case. He tries to find that one Survivor producer for some advice, but he's suspiciously missing. Wonder where he is...

In a matter of seconds, Parvati and Danielle figure out what Lucifer is up to. Sandra is there listening to the whole conversation and I found myself shouting, "Give Danielle your Idol you bitch!". Sandra doesn't get my message and the girls move on trying to find Jerri. They find her sitting on a rock in a lagoon making Colby love charms. Parvati and Danielle give her explicit instructions that no matter what Lucifer says Jerri must vote out Rupert. Jerri sews some pearls onto her sachets and promises to vote out Rupert.

Back at camp, Lucifer is in the bell jar trying to come up with a new plan. He's pissed off Danielle. He's infuriated Parvati. Sandra hates him. Who's left? Oh yeah... Jerri! It's a well known fact that along with Colby, Jerri loves Tom Cruise. Why do you think her hair is so curly? That's clearly Nicole Kidman's 'do from Days Of Thunder. In addition to Jerri being, well, Jerri, she's also an enigma. You never know what approach will work on her. Lucifer tries to sweet talk her at first, but she just ignores it. Next, he threatens her and that didn't go over too well. She started shrieking and howling "Don't threaten meeeee!!!". Just when Lucifer thought he was all out of tricks he whips out the Tom Cruise Defense. He turns to Jerri, gives her a lopsided grin, and says in his best Jerry Maguire voice, "Hep me to hep you" (Note: I think he meant "help". Thank you to the Quoteman for the phoenetic spelling.) We're left with an image of Jerri cocking her head and looking intrigued.

We now arrive at Tribal Council #2 or what I like to call "A Whole Lot Of Fuckery". Dimples immediately hones in on Lucifer and wonders how all the Villains are getting along. Parvati interrupts and comes right out saying how Lucifer lied to both her and Danielle. Dimples laughs and asks Lucifer, "So you got caught?" Yikes. Did you see Lucifer's face when Jeff asked him that? It's as if the gently burning embers in the pit of his stomach finally caught fire and reached all the way up to his eyeballs. I swear his pupils turned red in that instant. Lucifer replies, "I didn't get caught at nothing!" and then Jeff turned to ash and blew away in the wind. Danielle really liked Jeff so she started crying totally messing up her pretty moustache. In her fit of tears she shouts out that she and Parvati and closer than Lucifer will ever know. Well, that did it. Lucifer doesn't care none for that bisexual stuff and in a fit of jealousy he whispers the name "Danielle" to Jerri. Jerri looked up at Lucifer and only saw one face... the face of her beloved... the face of Tom Cruise. Hypnotized by love Jerri votes out Danielle and Danielle is the 14th person voted out of Survivor Heroes V. Villains. Fuck!

So what did you guys think about last night? Some of you have started to let me know on my Facebook page so you bitches better be commenting here too. I'm pissed off for several reasons. The main one is that Rupert is still there! He should, under no circumstances, be in this game. Did you guys want Rupert to stay? Has your opinion of Lucifer changed at all? Do you think Jerri is the unknowing true mastermind? Who do you think is in trouble next week: Lucifer or Parvati? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Please to enjoy this week's Life At Ponderosa: