Friday, May 14, 2010

This Camp Is Turning Into Crazy Town

Of all the things in the world to throw into a blowhole, a coconut would not have been my first choice. I was thinking more along the lines of... oh, I don't know... Colby. Colby, so full of promise, so shiny and bright eyed, so rugged and purty... his cape is tattered, his skin is weathered, the sparkle in his eye is dimming. He limps now instead of struts. He sneers instead of smiles. His skin itches, his t-shirt has that distinct smell of failure (smells a little like mildew and Parrano cheese), his beard struggles to grow in crazy haphazard little tufts of graying stubble... yet, this most disappointing of players, this complete and utter lack of strategy and focus, this little boy in the grown up body could actually end up winning this game! It's Jordan Lloyd 2.0. It's Natalie Part Deux. It's the one glaring fault of CBS reality that I have no remedy for. It's scary, it's senseless, it's infuriating... it could drive me to drink (more). Ugh! Let's recap, shall we?

The scene is dark. Mosquitoes buzz in the night air nipping here and there sucking the life out of dirty smelly players. They nibble on one particular player and fall over dead. They nibble on another and get lost in a jungle of hair. Hero or Villain alike, these players have grown dangerous, cunning, desperate, and tired. One player makes the walk back from Tribal Council with a question hanging over her head... "What the hell just happened? I thought Rupert was going home." Parvati, dear sweet toothy Parvati, has just said goodbye to her moustached lover Danielle. It was sweet really. They carressed one another's hair and made promises to see each other on the other side... maybe in Cabo. Maybe they'll look back on this sipping margaritas on a white sandy beach while a lone Mariachi plays sad music in the distance. Their love will manifest and become a tangle of bikini bottoms on the floor with perhaps a creaky ceiling fan whirring overhead. Until then though... Parvati will plot her revenge and keep one side-eyed glance always on Lucifer (Russell Hantz). He can't be trusted you know. If he makes it to the end, he could win. He's the biggest Villain this game has ever seen yet she needs him. She needs him to get rid of those two buffoon Heroes still sucking up air and thinking happy thoughts back at camp. Working with an enemy for the greater good has always been a delicate and tense undertaking throughout history. Just look at Cole and Pru, Jacob and the Man In The Black, italian dressing... you think it's easy to get oil and vinegar to make nice and be delicious? Think again.

After a fitful night of paranoia and confusion, Parvati makes the stroll to the tree holding the mail. A box shaped like a phone emblazened with the letters S-P-R-I-N-T awaits and for some reason the tribe ooohs and ahhhs wondering what could possibly be inside. Rupert beat on his chest like a gorilla pointing and leaping excitedly around the box. Jerri pulled her script out of her safari pants and read, "Ooohhh this must be the new Sprint Palm Pre!" It was shiny and pretty and the tribe knew that tiny little recognizable people lurked somewhere inside whispering messages of reassurance and inspiration. If you'll remember, Lucifer didn't have the sentimental family visit in season 19 so we all scooted forward in our chairs a little and wondered how he'd react to seeing the face of someone he didn't necessarily want to skewer over a barbecue pit. I crossed my fingers and hoped it was his wife. I had to see the face of the woman who mates regularly with the Lord Of The Underworld. Would she be small and timid or proud and sassy? Would she be allowed to speak freely or would Lucifer have to nod in her direction and say, "You may speak"? I think I caught a glimpse of Mrs. Lucifer at the Reunion last year and, if I remember correctly, she was dressed like she was competing for the love of Flavor Flav and ready to hit the clubs. Then again, my memory is about as accurate as Drew Barrymore's in 50 First Dates. Every day is a new and delicious surprise. I'm always shocked to discover the number of gin bottles littering the floor around my bed.

This brings us to our Reward Challenge, but first... grab a tissue cuz it's family time! One by one the relatives are brought out to greet their thinner, dirtier counterparts. Rupert bawls and tries to inhale his wife, Jerri sniffles and embraces her sister, Sandra makes a speech about life and death and enchiladas, Colby beams ear to ear, Parvati glows in the smile of her proud papa, and Lucifer... well, Lucifer, smiles politely in the direction of his big breasted wife and begrudgingly mumbles, "I love you." It was at this point that I began to wonder to myself how they met. Was it outside of a honky tonk down South? Did he waddle up to her with two Budweisers hanging off his chubby pinky fingers and with a wink and a smile he raised one up to offer it to her? I don't know why, but I'm envisioning line dancing and a disapproving ugly friend trying to talk the future Mrs. Lucifer out of dancing with this paunchy troll. Did he plow her with tequila shots and click the heels of his cowboy boots excitedly? Or... have I seen Thelma & Louise one time too many? I'm not sure. All I know is there's a story there and I'm gonna make it my mission to find out what the hell it is.

Probst, with his quivering lower lip (he swoons for the family reunions - you can see it in his dimples), interrupts the hugs and kisses to announce that the family members will actually be taking part in today's challenge. Again I found myself wondering, how will Lucifer treat his wife? Will he give her words of encouragement or kick her in the shins if she missteps? I put on a pair of glasses I thought Nancy Drew or maybe that Murder, She Wrote lady might wear, took out a black marble notebook and a feathered pen, and prepared to take meticulous detailed notes about the Mr. and Mrs. Lucifer. My fascination in these two interracting is kinda like my fascination for the Amish and mental institutions. I want to sneak up on them and live in their world for just a weekend. Wide eyed and eager to try all the pies and meds, I could learn a lot and perhaps become a better person after all is said is done. Or maybe not... maybe I'm just bored and have too much time on my hands. Who knows?

OK so the Survivors have to run into the ocean, fill a pail with water, hurl it at their loved ones, and fill a bucket up to the tippy top. First team to fill their buckets gets to go visit some blowholes and eat burgers. If I had a band, I'd name it Blowholes & Burgers, but I digress. Survivors ready, go! Immediately, Lucifer races into the crystal blue abyss, fills his pail, and then promptly hurls it into his wifes face. She smiles and takes it. Interesting. She managed to get catch some water and as she dumped it into her bucket she added her own spit to the mixture. Wow. Fascinating. She's just as crafty as her husband. I definitely jotted that down in my notebook. Down the beach a piece, Sandra moves at a snail's pace so we all kinda know she isn't winning anything anytime soon. On the other hand, Jerri has a little spring in her step and manages to work well with her curly haired sister from Germany. My favorite team though had to be Colby and his brother Reid. Seriously, were you not in heaven watching these two? Colby would jauntily run into the ocean making sure not to get his cape wet. When he'd race back to his brother he'd miscalculate the distance, hurl his water completely missing Reid's awaiting pail, and then throw a tantrum in the sand. Each time he threw his water his tantrums grew exponentially... "Come on Reid!" At home I kicked off my heels and laughed and laughed. Wine dribbling down the front of my shirt I shouted, "Miss it again Reid!" at the screen. In the end, Jerri narrowly beat out Lucifer for the win and JERRI WINS REWARD!!!

Here's where things get tricky. Jerri is allowed to take someone on the Reward with her. I knew immediately she'd pick a girl. My thought process wasn't based on strategy or anything. It was just a gut feeling. She'd pick a girl because girls would make her Reward infintely more pleasing than had she picked a guy. Besides, it's not like she's gonna pick a Hero and I think Lucifer scares the bejesus out of her. Jerri picks Parvati maybe as a thank you for saving her that one week. Then Jerri does something I didn't expect at all. She asks Probst if she take another pair with her. To everyone's surprise, Probst says yes! Lucifer all but grabs his wife's hand and steps forward to join the winners when Jerri announces she'll be taking Sandra as well. *thunder and lightening* Uh oh... Lucifer is not happy. He clenches his teeth, steam starts to come out of his ears, his wife begins to creep away from him a little, and he mutters, "She's [Jerri] in trouble now." Oh, shove a sock in it Lucifer! Seriously, you're almost as bad as Colby getting mad at not-as-handsome Reid. Lucifer continues to seethe thinking Jerri just made some big cosmic strategic move. Sure, Jerri's votes are pretty much running the show, but she has no idea just how much power she's wielding. She's clueless in that way and she's also about as strategic as Colby is when he gets a run in his tights. Meanwhile, Rupert is completely clueless to anything going on because he's busy humping his wife right there in the sand. I think I saw penetration. Gross.

At the blowholes the pairs ooh and ahh and take all sorts of pretty pictures with each other. A tiny old man begins to toss coconuts into the holes sending them thousands of feet into the air (I assume it was thousands... I'm not exactly a good judge of distance). My first thought? Toss in Parvati's papa next! Nothing against Papa Parvati. He just looked like he could get some killer air and really fly as opposed to Sandra's uncle who'd probably get stuck in the hole like Augustus Gloop. After the blowhole fun everyone sits down to enjoy some delicious burgers. The women make a pact to look out for one another against Lucifer. Parvati assures Jerri that no way in hell Lucifer will vote off a Villain.

At that exact moment back at camp what do you think Lucifer is doing? Yup. He's planning on voting off a Villain... namely, Parvati. He flails his arms about and curses up a storm about hamburgers being worth a million bucks. He puts a fatwa out on the Manthey family and calls all the girls "selfish little bitches". Whatever. He's just pissy he didn't get to go. I mean, let's get real. That's what's really bothering him. The girls are enjoying succulent juicy burgers while Lucifer is stuck at camp with Tweedle Hairy and Tweedle Dumber. I'm thinking he must have been the most spoiled child south of the Mason Dixon line. With his brain working overtime thinking Jerri just made some magical move in the game, Lucifer approaches Rupert and Colby and says, "It's time to regroup. I know I'm a Villain. I know I lied." Uhh that's the understatement of the year! This is the same Villain who promised to use a Heroes Immunity Idol to oust one of his own, but instead used it to help get rid of the guy who gave him the Idol in the first place. How Rupert can take anything Lucifer says at face value is a complete mystery to me, but Rupert, being the brain surgeon he is, believes Lucifer and all three idiots stand there and shake on a Final 3 deal. More importantly, they agree that Parvati must go next. That single solitary moment of the shaking of the hands with Lucifer was the beginning of Rupert's downward spiral. Had he thought of his fallen friend J.T. in that moment, he might have had a chance.

Later, under the cover of night, the girls return to camp to find the men asleep. Jerri was hoping to get a little face time with Lucifer because she's scared to death he'll kill her puppy and roast her nieces and nephews. In reality, Lucifer has come to the realization that Jerri is indeed powerful in this game. He may be mad at her, but he needs her. Like I said last week, she's always the swing/deciding vote and, like it or not, that's a nice position to be in. Worried and nervous, Jerri lies in bed next to Colby and tries to get some shuteye. Then we hear it... THWACK! CLUMP! ZOING! BOINK! It's Rupert sawing wood and cracking logs in the middle of the night. Perhaps he can't sleep. Perhaps he's been smoking one of his tie dye shirts. No matter what sort of logic is going on in Rupert's thick Serengeti brain that's home to a wealth of magestic wild animals, he's nothing but a burbling smelly idiot. He's like one of those girls who blow dries her hair at 6 am with the bathroom door wide open waking up everyone asleep in a tiny apartment. I hate those bitches! I was once on a photo shoot and we had only a matter of minutes to get a shot. Some chick's phone rang and she stood right in the middle of the scene having an entire conversation completely oblivious that everyone around her was working and in a hurry. That's what Rupert was like with his nocturnal wood chopping - oblivious, moronic, disrespectful, and just begging to get kicked in the nuts.

Exhausted and dark-circled, the castaways head off to an Immunity Challenge... the most anxiety ridden challenge of my life. If Parvati loses, she's history. She's outta the game and reunited with her moustached lover. Since I've decided to back Parvati this season, I can't have that at all. Therefore, this Immunity Challenge was tres importante to yours truly. The challenge was simple - balance some poles on the back of your hand and be the last one standing. Survivors ready, go! Colby's out. Yup, he inhaled and failed. The end. Buh bye dumb ass. Sandra goes out next followed by Lucifer then Jerri. It's down to Rupert and Parvati. They both have poles teetering on their itsy bitsy edges. Rupert is serious and focused. Parvati alternates from closing her eyes to looking around. She was freaking me the fuck out! I was biting my fist and mumbling, "Drop 'em Rupert... fail you hairy bastard..." My heart was in my throat, my teeth were clenched and... PARVATI WINS IMMUNITY!!! *sighs and collapses* Oh thank god.

Parvati is safe and now it's on to Rupert's Plan B which is to get rid of Sandra. Let's not forget that Sandra still has that Immunity Idol in her posession so Rupert's Plan B is A OK with me. Lucifer's reaction was slightly different. He wasn't angry. He wasn't busy casting spells. Instead, he fanned himself and thanked his lucky stars he didn't have to make a difficult decision that night. It was here that I realized that Lucifer is all about the short game. He's always so hasty to get rid of anyone who pisses him off, but he's completely negligent as to whom awaits him on the jury. You'd think after a bitter and emotional jury on season 19 that cost him the million, he'd be a little more conscious of his end game this time around. Parvati, on the other hand, with a perfect chance to get rid of Lucifer, knows she needs to get rid of a Hero pronto. To go up against a Hero in the finale would be suicide. She decides she has to keep Lucifer around for just a little longer. Sandra, on the other hand, has no love for Lucifer and wants his ass gone and she marches right up to Rupert to tell him her plan.

Rupert, having shook the hand of the Lord Of The Underworld, scurries over to Lucifer to tell him Sandra's evil plan. Lucifer turns in a huff and marches over to Sandra with one simple statement, "You're with me or you're against me!" Sandra yawns and scratches herself, "I'm against you Lucifer." Wow. Balls. Big swingin' hairy balls. I admired Sandra in that moment. There's something about her no nonsense tell it like it is approach to life that's somewhat charming. It's shocking she's gotten this far in the game and I kind of have to respect her for it. Last week in the blog comments Sandra seemed to be the one truly contentious subject amongst you bitches. You either hated her or respected her. I'm of the latter. Looking back, she should have been gone a long time ago. Her own tribe couldn't stand her, she flipped when she needed to, she managed to convince Lucifer other people were bigger threats than she was, she found the Idol and didn't tell a soul... She's an interesting player because her only real weapon in the game is her mouth. It got her the million last time. Could it get her the million this time?

Now, Parvati, witnessing the exchange with Lucifer and Sandra, lies in bed stretching like a cat and giggles her throaty giggle. Lucifer interprets the giggle as something evil and malicious so he huffs and he puffs and he threatens to blow the camp down. He thinks Parvati is playing with fire. I think Lucifer's paranoia must be rotting his insides. It's like Desmond Tutu said, "Paranoia will destroy ya."

Sandra begins spewing rhymes to Rupert... things about lips and ships and hips and nips. The squirrel family in Rupert's beard sticks their heads out and sings a chorus from "Hakuna Matata", Parvati dons a high pitched mocking girly voice and sings, "You're either with me or against me, you're either with me or against me...", Lucifer begins to breathe fire through his nose, Colby cowers in the corner adding a lovely peach organza to his cape, and Jerri sits in the middle of it all wondering who shook the snow globe that was their camp and made everyone all crazy-like. It was like that scene in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest when the patients go nuts fighting over the fake baseball game only there was no Nurse Ratched this time around to administer the shock treatments.

So, it looks like either Rupert or Sandra is going home as we head into Tribal Council. It's Sandra's last day to use her Immunity Idol and I'm thinking she'd be pretty moronic not to pull that puppy out tonight. Probst signals for the jury to enter and Parvati looks at Danielle approvingly and whispers "Hot". Danielle shaved her moustache and, while I'll miss it, it's nice to see these ladies' romance blossom. Before Probst can even ask a question Sandra spills the whole story of Rupert tattling to Lucifer. Lucifer jumps in and says he had to find out if Rupert was telling the truth or not. Probsty inquires as to whether or not Lucifer asked the camp nicely for some answers. The panel, the jury, myself, Desmond Tutu, and the whole cast of the Lion King all erupted into a fit of giggles knowing Lucifer never asks anything nicely. Having a jury laugh at you might not be the best sign... just sayin'.

The talk turns to the line between Heroes and Villains. Parvati says the line no longer exists. Once her lover was evicted, that line disappeared. Besides, Parvati thinks she's a Hero anyways. LOL I love that. Rupert mumbles something about Villains and being on top... seriously, who the hell knows what point he's trying to make? Let's vote bitches and get this show on the road. If anyone would like to use the...

I was going to say "Immunity Idol", but I was interrupted by Sandra whipping it out of her pants. Lucifer panics and demands to know if Parvati knew about it, Rupert's face is crestfallen, Colby cries into his organza, and Jerri sits wide-eyed and shocked by everything. It is indeed the Immunity Idol. Any votes for Sandra will not count. Let's read the votes... RUPERT, SANDRA... Parvati beams, RUPERT... Rupert begins to pack his things, SANDRA... Sandra smiles... RUPERT... the 15th person voted out of Survivor Heroes V. Villains is RUPERT. *whips off top and dances a little jig* Woohoo! It's about bloody time!

So, what did you bitches think about last night? Were you happy to see Rupert go? Do you think Colby can win if he makes it to the final? Has Sandra earned your respect? Could Jerri end up winning the whole damn thing? In a Lucifer v. Parvati finale, who are you rooting for? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! Remember, the finale is this Sunday so be sure to check back here Monday afternoon for my full recap.

Please to enjoy this week's Life At Ponderosa: