Monday, May 17, 2010

He Don't Know What It's Like To Be Up Against Two Chicks

We've made it through the long dark murky twisty tunnel from which there seemed to be no end. Flickering candles and menacing cobwebs creep and lurk in every corner. In the distance low painful moans shake our beings to the core. Sometimes we're confronted with angry trolls demanding submission and blood. Other times we're offered newly hatched chicks looking for a fresh beard to reside in. We've trudged through the mud, broken a few limbs, grew hair in places we didn't know we had, made friends, lost friends, wondered what the hell the word "friend" even means... yet through it all, we emerge. Like a phoenix from the ashes or Carol Anne from the goo, we emerge to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Once we shield our eyes from the brightness and breathe in some of that fresh air, we're greeted with a winner - a shiny sparkly new winner. Do we shake her hand or give her the finger? I'm not sure. Let's recap, shall we?

(Devil children in Children Of The Corn)

Tribal Council came and went. Another Hero is gone and only one sad lonely caped shell of a man remains. This should be a time of celebration - a time to get naked and gyrate to the moon or something. Instead, we see a paunchy pissy little man who didn't get his way wanting to make a federal case out of the fact that Sandra had an Idol and didn't alert the masses. According to "Lucifer Protocol" (which exists only in Lucifer's mind I'll have you know), when you find an Idol you must photograph it, label it, register it with the Smithsonian, notarize it, get the Dalai Lama to stamp it with some fancy golden seal, and then on bended knee hand it over to him all the while not looking him in the eye. When Lucifer delivered these rules on a sheet of paper to Sandra she looked at it, crumbled it up, and then used it for toilet paper - I mean, it's not like toilet paper is readily available in the jungle so you gotta take what you can get. In response, Lucifer flared his nostrils, kicked the sand, threw his pacifier onto the ground, and said Sandra made a terrible play keeping her Idol secret from him. Sandra asks him if he alerted her whenever he had his Idols. His response was something akin to a burble and a whimper. Let's called it a burmper. In reality, I think Lucifer just needs his diaper changed. He's just a child. Sure, he's an evil child like Children Of The Corn or Macaulay Culkin in that movie where he killed the dog, but a child nonetheless.

We quickly arrive at the first Immunity Challenge of the night. If Colby wins, Parvati is going home. If Parvati wins, Colby is going home. I poured myself a pitcher of gin, put on my Team Parvati pasties, and settled in to watch with bated breath. The challenge was to balance hundreds of plates on a stick and make sure none of them fall. It was very Barnum & Bailey and I suddenly had a hankering for straw on the floor, a beaded costume, and a large beast to wrap my legs around. Get your heads out of the gutter bitches. I'm talking about the circus... the hot sweaty allure of gypsy carny folk. Small hands. Smell like cabbage, but I digress. Survivors ready, go! The challenge begins and everyone is very focused and measured. Sandra's out of the game before she even lays her base plate. Personally, I think she threw it, but I guess we'll never know. The others fall one by one and we're left with only Parvati and Colby. I did that thing where you cover your eyes and peer through your fingers. I do that move a lot actually - when old people dance, when Whoopi Goldberg does her valley girl voice, when Bethenny Frankel furrows her brow and plays the victim... As a matter of fact if you see a girl walking down the street covering her face with her own hands, it's probably me. Sure, I trip a lot and have cuts all over my body, but it's worth it. I'm abnormally allergic to suspense and other people embarrassing themselves. I'm thinking today's Oprah with the Will Smith family will be one long eye covering hour. That Jayden Smith makes me more uncomfortable than you know. How did he get that way? He's only 10! How I got to Jayden Smith from Parvati kicking ass in this challenge I'll never know. All you need to know is that my girl is safe and PARVATI WINS IMMUNITY!!!!!!!!!!!

Poor Colby. Poor sad tanned golden-locked muscles rippling Colby. He's lost every challenge put before him yet he miraculously managed to outlast his peers. He's all alone now in this dog eat dog world of deception and hate. What can he do, what can he possibly do to save himself at this juncture of the game? He listens to the wind for an answer, but none comes. He looks to the trees for inspiration, but all the trees have to offer are leaves. The sand holds no wisdom. The ocean flows deep and wide. He's sure there's meaning in it. He recalls great stories involving whales and Kevin Costner, yet his idea bank still remains empty. All hope is seemingly lost and when all hope is lost there's nothing to do but put your hands in your pockets and take a stroll. Wait a tic... what's this in Colby's pocket? It looks like a speech, a well prepared stock speech that way back when won over his other tribe. Maybe, just maybe, it'll work on these Villains too!

Excited and full of promise, Colby goes to his locker and puts on his "Awww Shucks" face. It's sitting right in between his "No, Jerri I will not have sex with you!" and his "Grrrrr! Go team!" faces. The "Awww Shucks" face is only used for very special occasions and this is one of those occasions. Once attached firmly to his noggin, Colby kicks some stones and swaggers on into camp. He clears his throat and asks for everyone's attention. "Ummm guys... it's day 37 so let's just enjoy our last few hours together. I'm not gonna hustle or scramble or try to convince you to keep me. Let's just sing some songs and throw a few rice patties on the grill. Awww shucks... I might be tearing up here just a smidge. Anyone have a tissue? Well *sniffle* thanks for letting me play your game with you. It's been a blast. Love ya forever!" Very pleased with himself, Colby thinks, "That did it! I'm sure to win the million now! I'm the best Hero ever!" He even cries little wispy face contorting tears in one of his interviews. People were moved and by "people", I mean "Colby"... and maybe my mom. She thinks he's dreamy. I'm thinking of upping her meds or maybe sending her to Shady Pines. She's a little young for the old folks home, but I'll grease some palms. I can be very convincing.

Not seconds after making his big "let's be happy" speech while donning his "Aww shucks" face, Colby approaches Lucifer and begins to wheel and deal. He does that finger trick where you pretend your thumb is split in two, he shows Lucifer here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and look at all the people!, and then he mumbles "Sandra" and scurries away. Lucifer thinks about all he's seen. That thumb trick was kind of cool, but no, the Jury is too stacked. Colby's gotta hit the high road and he's got to do it tonight.

We arrive at our first Tribal Council of the evening where Probst's dimples look even more dimply than ever before. Danielle enters, looking fetching and boobalicious. Parvati blows her kisses and nods in approval. Coach is dressed like a Ralph Lauren ad on crack and Rupert... oh Rupert... is solemn and bitter. His eyes burn holes into all the players. Either he's angry or he popped a purple microdot beforehand. I'm not sure. Did his eyes look dilated to you? The conversation quickly turns to swashbuckling Colby and how his swashes haven't exactly been buckling this season. I swear Probst waits for any opportunity he can to pick on "Donaldson". He pretty much just tells everyone to vote off Colby and that's exactly what they all do. Colby is the 16th person voted out of Survivors V. Villains. He takes it all in stride, smiles sideways, and calls himself a "dusty veteran". I would have thought "dusty tumbleweed", but that's just me.

Back at camp the conversation is serious and hushed. "Did you see how scary Rupert looked?", Jerri asks. "I think we should double bolt the tent tonight just in case." Everyone agrees and the discussion then turns to all things Parvati. Parvati, my bright-eyed cauldron stirrer with the barely there bikini. She's got that flippant "whatever" kind of vibe I'm always trying to harness. Like when someone comes up to me and says, "Hey, there's a gin bottle over there in the bushes." I wish I could flip my hair, close my eyes dramatically, roll down my pants, sigh, and say, "Oh really? Ok *shrugs shoulders and laughs* Whatever. I'll get to it later." Instead, I kick off my heels, wrap my hair in a quick yet stylish chignon, push aside all the children in my way, and race like wind to hurl my body into the bushes bearing gin. Long story short, I could learn from Parvati. Her eerie calm is inspirational so imagine my complete and utter ire when I hear Lucifer and Jerri plotting to vote out my Succubus Queen. They say silly and untrue things about how Parvati has had no strategy and that Lucifer's been running the whole show. Is this Bizarro Survivor or something? Parvati has so much strategy she's bursting with it. Just stand next to her, some of it might actually spill into your glass.

The next day the Final Four awake to sun, sand, hot breezes, and the corpses of the those who have fallen before them. The women seemed to be excited and appreciative of the look back while Lucifer looks at it like a list of all his personal kills. He's even taking credit for getting rid of people he never met... those never on his tribe. He puffs his chest out and mutters, "I gots rid of him... I gots rid of her... He just plain pissed me off... I didn't like the way this one looked at me." His boasts and lies are falling on deaf ears as Parvati, Jerri, and Sandra stop to marvel at how they managed to outlast these Survivor legends. It's at this point when I realize something... sure, Lucifer loves to play this game and, sure, he's kind of good at it, but what he lacks is respect for it. To respect the game is to be aware of all it's facets. To Lucifer, the kill is the joy and the goal. To everyone else, the kill is just the beginning. Survivor is a metaphor for life and any player, let alone a player who's been there for 60 some odd days who doesn't get that, is a fucking moron in my eyes. We all play the game of Survivor everyday. Sometimes you use people to get what you want, sometimes you cut people out of your life, sometimes you're forced to make decisions you don't want to make, sometimes you turn on what you believe in, but the one thing these instances all have in common is that there are consequences. Everything you do in life has a consequence. They may be tiny or they may be earth shattering, but they're there. It's like that line in The Libertine, one of my favorite films, where the Earl of Rochester is talking about the power of the theater "Life has no purpose. It is everywhere undone by arbitrariness. I do this and it matters not a jot if I do the opposite. But in the playhouse every action, good or bad, has it's consequences. Drop a handkerchief and it will return to smother you." Drop a handkerchief Lucifer and it will, indeed, return to smother you.

Look, I loved Lucifer last season. I spent months convincing thousands of you that he was a cunning player like no other. I still think he played Season 19 very well. He didn't play it perfect, but he played it damn near perfect. This time around though, he's different. He thinks that just because he duped a bunch of morons in one season that he's the greatest Survivor of all time. Well, this season wasn't full of morons (save one or two). This season was filled with players who knew the drill, who knew exactly how the end game is just as important as the short game, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll let you guys hash this all out in the comments - where I'm sure a heated discussion will ensue. Let me get back to where I left off.

OK so the funeral pyre for all the fallen Survivors is burning brightly and now it's time for our last Immunity Challenge of the season. Survivors have to make their way through a maze blindfolded and retrieve four necklaces. The person who reaches the final necklace wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go! Immediately out of the gate, Lucifer, Parvati, and Jerri manage to get their first necklace. Sandra, on the other hand, is on her way to mainland New Zealand, but not before trying to undress Parvati. She literally grabs on to Parvati and tries to untie the strap of her dress. Back off Sandy! Only Danielle's allowed to go there! It was a tense challenge with everyone getting their necklaces within seconds of each other. I had to make a Xanax smoothie just to make it throught the last leg. It was Jerri in the lead... then Parvati... then Lucifer pushing Parvati... then Jerri passing them both... then Parvati catching up to Jerri... then Lucifer passing them both... all three frantically wave their hands at the pole holding the necklace and, in a nail biter of an ending,... LUCIFER WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Oh shit. Not only is this all kinds of bad (for me), but Lucifer actually insists Probsty puts the necklace on him himself. He thinks it doesn't count unless Dimples does the honor.

Back at camp, Jerri is thrilled. Parvati doesn't have Immunity and, if all goes according to plan, she should be going home. Lucifer tells Sandra she's in the best position possible and I'm not quite sure what his M.O. is, but I know he doesn't mean what he's saying. He got all weird like that last season too. It was right at the end and he started running his mouth making threats, making promises, making nonsense.... maybe it's an adrenalin rush manifesting itself in every which way but right. Sandra, being Sandra, just rolls her eyes at Lucifer makes a 'W' with her hands. Lucifer has failed to charm many players this season. Parvati and Danielle are on that list, but reigning at the top is Sandra. Throughout this entire season she has never, not once, given any value or merit into one thing Lucifer has ever had to say. You know those people in life you're forced to be around for one reason or another. You know they're full of shit. You know they have nothing to offer you, yet they're just always there acting high and mighty like they're someone important. You just kind of blindly nod, let them think what they want, and then laugh at them behind their back. I think I'd be like this if Lucifer was ever in my life. Exerting the effort to argue or try to make a point against those types of people is such a waste of energy. People like that don't listen anyways. Better to just nod and smile... nod and smile.

All the way up to Tribal Council the plan has been to get Parvati out. It's a plan I hate, but, quite frankly, it's a plan that makes sense. She's a formidable player - strong in challenges, strategic, charming. It's not the brightest idea to have her sitting next to you at the final Tribal. So I sat on my couch, packed my opium pipe, put my glitter away in a drawer, and prepared myself for Parvati's demise. The Jury enters and I immediately wondered what happened to all of Colby's clothes. Did you see him? He was dressed like a Christian Missionary so I have to safely assume his clothes were ravaged by a bobcat or maybe Rupert smoked them. Either way he looked douchetastic.

OK so we're at Tribal Council and the mood is awkward and strange. Sandra's quoting Lucifer left and right and I couldn't figure out what she was up to... and then it hit me. She was laying foundation. By quoting his ridiculous claims and boasts, she's already begun playing that final tribal. Why wait to make your case in the last tribal council when you can start a day early and begin planting seeds? When she said, "I know I can't win. Lucifer tells me that all the time." I laughed out loud and typed the word "genius" in my notes. That was planned. That was preempted. That was fucking smart! I said last week that Sandra's mouth is her weapon. I don't know how she does it, but it's so effortless and natural. You don't even realize she's made a dig at you until you've already gone home, changed your clothes, and gotten in bed. You'll go to switch off your light and then it'll hit you. You'll sit up all of a sudden and shout... "Dammit! Sandra got me!"

One other major incident stood out to me in this Tribal. You have Parvati and Lucifer talking about how they played together. Lucifer says he protected Parvati. Parvati says they worked together. Nail one in Lucifer's coffin. He not only looked like an idiot, but he looked disloyal, untrustworthy (in relation to Parvati), as well as, cocky and unlikable. Did he not see the looks on the juror's faces? When you see the crowd you're addressing begin to roll their eyes and snicker, you should be smart enough to readjust and try another tactic. Being stubborn and unflinching only works if you're a toddler. Your mama will give you a cookie just to get you to shut up. I have a feeling a jury of annoyed peers won't be so ready to hand over a million just to appease some asshole.

At the end of all this tomfoolery, we witnessed a miracle. Parvati ended up staying and Maneater Manthey was the one to go. And then it hit me... Lucifer actually thinks that sitting next to two former winners is his ticket to the prize. Parvati and Sandra have won before and Lucifer must think that there's no way in hell the jury will let one of them win again. It's the last card he has to play I guess, but is it smart enough to actually work?

Back at camp Lucifer starts up with his weird taunts again. He's pulling a Colby by recycling his moves. He did the exact same thing last season trying to psych out his opponents before the final Tribal. The only problem is he's not up against sweet little first timers. His competition are hardcore bad asses who've been there done that and, more importantly, have grown tired and annoyed with Lucifer's silly games. He just doesn't know when to back off - as we all witnessed at the Reunion last night. Seriously, how many times did Probst have to tell him to shut up? A great warrior knows when to strike and when to shut the fuck up. The latter is completely lost on Lucifer.

After burning Lucifer's hat (a HYSTERICAL move I greatly appreciated), the three finalists arrive to meet the Survivor version of The Inquisition. While last season's was entertaining and funny, this season's was smart, intuitive, and showed what pros these ladies are. While Lucifer was busy galavanting and saying, "Me me me", the gals were telling truths and using logic. You have to know your jury when you go into a situation like this. Don't piss off the people judging your fate. That's Survivor 101. All you Lucifer lovers out there, ask yourselves one question: Would that jury have appreciated truth and legitimate game play analysis or boasting and belittling of other players? I think you and I both know that swinging dicks and cocky barbs are the last thing a jury like that would be swayed by. I don't know. I can go on about this for days, but I feel like I'm just repeating myself ad nauseum.

Now we reach the question and answer portion. Sure, it was void of clever Shambo quips and Sue Hawk speeches, but it was great nonetheless.

Personally, I feel like Lucifer had no chance before it even started, but let's talk about how he fucked it all up anyways. First up is Colby and he asks Lucifer if he feels luck plays any part of winning Survivor. Wait for it... Lucifer says NO. *stifles giggles*. Idiot! Idiot, idiot, idiot. Of course luck, good or bad, plays a part. Wasn't it luck that got Colby as far as he did? Wasn't it luck Parvati just happened to sit at the seat (on the Outback Reward) with the Idol clue? Luck is a HUGE part of this game. Bad luck, in seasons filled with strangers, is usually the reason for going home first. If Lucifer doesn't recognize this, then he's certifiable. If he recognizes it, but doesn't necessarily believe in it too much then lie. Tell the jury what they want to hear. Lucifer's lied this whole damn game! Why he couldn't spit out one more little white one is completely beyond me. It's like he's missing that part of his brain that tells him that the JURY are the ones that vote, not the teeny tiny gargoyles that reside in his belly.

Parvati acknowledging that as soon as she discovered she was deemed a threat she did whatever she had to do to stay in the game. Citing Galumpy lying to her about how she should use the Idol to save herself was a genius reference. It illustrated beautifully how she was intuitive enough to read and interpret the signs to use her Idols to save Sandra and Jerri instead. It also showed in a pleasing and not a hostile way that she was able to beat the Heroes at their own game. Had Lucifer answered the same question he surely would have called someone stupid and belittled a score of others. It's all in the delivery. There are a million ways to explain yourself to someone. Finding the right way is the trick. Parvati did it right in that instance. You could see it in the juror's faces.

When Candice told Parvati that aligning with Lucifer was similar to a woman in an abusive relationship I almost died. I said that exact same thing! I love Parvati, but she's not infallable. I think her one mistake was not getting rid of Lucifer. That could have been a huge selling point to the Heroes

Which, naturally, brings me to the clincher. Sandra telling the Heroes that she tried repeatedly to get rid of Lucifer only to have the door slammed in her face over and over again was the winning statement if you ask me. It was brilliant and, more importantly, it was true! A lot of you may not like Sandra, but you can't deny that she tried tooth and nail to convince those moron Heroes to vote out Lucifer. Lucky for her (did you see how I said luck-y?) the fact that she tried and was met with deaf ears turned out to be divine providence. Looking back on it, it's really stunning how stupid the Heroes were in ignoring all of her warnings. The icing on the cake for Sandra was that in one fell swoop she outlined her greatest moves, made the Heroes realize their own idiot mistakes, yet got not hate from them for it but respect. She did it with tact. She wasn't confrontational and she didn't belittle them. She knew her jury. She got respect from a bunch of people she was, in a roundabout way, calling stupid. That takes talent.

Parvati played a great game as did Sandra, but Sandra's winning move was trying to help the Heroes get rid of Lucifer. That sort of assistance paid off especially with a jury stacked with Heroes. I'm OK with Sandra winning because although she's weak physically, she really did act alone and she always spoke her mind. Where Jerri tiptoed around Lucifer, Sandra told him to his face she didn't like him. Parvati's biggest mistake was letting Lucifer last as long as he did. She had a few chances to take him out and she should have taken them. That would have been an incredible power move. Anyhow, I'm proud of my girl Parvati and I'm very pleased Lucifer lost. As Jeff Probst pointed out repeatedly last night, Lucifer does not understand the entire game of Survivor. He knows how to get to the end. I acknowledge that. He's kind of great it, but getting to the end doesn't get you the million..

As for the jury, they did their job and they did it well... not like last season. That jury was a bunch of emotional buffoons. This jury was thoughtful, open-minded, and kept emotion at the door. I feel everyone, except maybe Danielle and Courtney, truly voted on game play only.

If I see Lucifer and Richard Hatch on the next season of The Amazing Race, I'll be their number one fan, but as far as this season of Survivor goes I'm less than thrilled with Lucifer's performance. I don't think he's the greatest Survivor ever. He needs to tweak his end game in order to get that title.

So what do you bitches think? Are you happy Sandra won? Do you think Lucifer is the ultimate Survivor? What did you think was the defining moment during the question/answer segment? Did Lucifer annoy the shit out of you during the Reunion? Personally, I found him to be embarrassing and obnxious. Comment it out bitches and have a great day! I'll see you next Fall in Nicaragua!

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Thanks again bitches! Have a deliciously decadant summer and I'll see you back here next season!