Thursday, September 16, 2010

Where There's Smoke, There's Fire

Nicaragua: Central America's "la tierra de Lagos y Volcanes" (land of lakes and volcanos). I wonder if they make butter that's difficult to spread, but I digress. Settled by the Spanish, taken over by the Mexicans, claimed by Guatamala and the United Kingdom, ravaged by volcanos, and torn apart by earthquakes and revolution, Nicaragua is a volatile yet strangely beautiful country with a rich history and some of the world's most diverse wildlife. Slow ancient turtles roam the beaches while lithe majestic jaguars deftly hunt in the thick and lush rain forest. Spider monkeys offer comic relief while awkwardly bulbous tapirs wallow lazily in mud pits. Long hair, short hair, big bellied, flat bellied... species of all shapes and sizes flock to Nicaragua and call it their home. Lucky for us, twenty new and enchanting suckers (or prey as I like to call them) have made their way to this Carribean hotspot. The Contras and Sandinistas may be long gone, but two new power hungry entitities have now taken their place: the Erik Estradas and the Little Flowers. Let's recap, shall we?

We begin our story with the sun high in the sky, the waves rolling lazily ashore, and twenty Americans swatting at mosquitoes and avoiding menacing branches while making their way through the jungle. One lad, young with a bouffant 'do and a twinkle in his eye exclaims, "There's dangerous animals here. It's like... it's real. There's no fences like the zoo!" His name is Jud and the only dangerous thing he's ever known in his life is the Jungle Cruise ride at Disneyland where a man in a safari outfit and a gun shooting blanks battles not only rhinos, but brazen elephants openly bathing in waterfalls. I shall henceforth refer to Jud as Jughead. "Fabio" somehow seems too kind, too cerebral, too cosmopolitan. Jughead is what happens when conception doesn't exactly go right. Cells try to multiply and grow, neurotransmitters attempt to stimulate neurons, but instead all that happens is delicious raspberry smoothies eek out between the ears and blissful ignornace is born. The human life is a complicated mystery and I'm not saying that Jughead's mom did copious amounts of meth or anything, but maybe she did a touch of the PCP. That's all I'm saying. Jughead, while slow and frustrating, is also innocent and wide-eyed. He's "special" and we must treat him as such.

Jughead and his cohorts, a cast of ne'er-do-wells each salivating on their own for that million dollar prize, size each other up and make their way to our hero, Dimples Probst. Dimples looking fetching in his blue shirt and khaki shorts stands with hands on hips as he gazes into the camera,. We know what's coming. We wait for it every season. With bated breath I placed one hand on my bra strap and the other in a bowl of glitter. Like a chick in a painfully cinched corset my breasts heaved up and down as Dimples delivers the line I've waited months to hear... "39 days, 20 people... ONE Survivor!" The camera zooms out, Dimples become a tiny speck in the distance, a vast ocean of promise fills the screen, and glitter falls from the sky. It never fails. Every season it brings a tear to my eye. I leap off my bed , hurl my bra into the air, and do my Irish cum Salsa gyrations to the "Hay day doh dee doh dee doh's". Ecstasy I tell you. Pure pharmaceutical grade ecstasy.

The Survivors stand on the beach divided into two groups . They assume these are their new families. They've grown comfortable with the strangers standing at their sides and have resigned themselves to sharing a tent with these new pals. Not so fast you chuckleheads... leave it to Dimples to throw a wrench into all you've come to expect out of life. The groups they currently stand in are not their tribes and in a wonderful Nature V. Nurture, Brain V. Brawn, North V. South, the People V. Larry Flynt kind of twist, tribes will be divided in Young V. Old. If you're over 40, you're in the Erik Estradas (technically it's Espada, but the "Erik Estradas" has such a nice ring to it) and if you're under 30, then you're in the Little Flowers (technically La Flor). If you're 35, you're clearly in the wrong place and will be promptly sacrificed in the nearest volcano. In addition to good old fashioned ageism, Dimples is gonna go ahead and throw in a new power. It's called the Medallion Of Power *thunder claps* and, if I'm being completely honest here, it's what I've named my "cucaracha". It's pretty, shiny, and can take you places you've never been before. There, I said it. Survivor's Medallion Of Power may not be the roller coaster of fun that mine is, but it does come with some benefits. Find the Medallion Of Power hidden somewhere on the beach and your tribe will get a huge advantage.

The Survivors scatter like roaches do when the light is turned on. They trudge through water, search through bushes, dig in the sand, and gaze up at impossibly high trees. Eagle-eyed Brenda Lowe, who I'm sure was a great ninja warrior in a past life, spies the dangling necklace from a treetop and like a wiley monkey person she climbs up a precarious branch and descends with the glistening medallion round her neck. The others smile giving her high fives and congratulations while off in a corner somewhere bitter, pinched Alina is wondering what's up with the chick with the limp. Alina doesn't care for limpy people, hell, she doesn't care for pimply people either, but limpy people are what really give her the heeby jeebies. Some old lady with a hip problem once stole her parking spot at the Whole Foods so, yeah, Alina and limps don't exactly mesh.

So, Brenda has won the Medallion for the Little Flowers and now they have a decision to make: Keep the Medallion and get some sort of unknown magical power down the road or give the Medallion to the Erik Estradas and take some flint and fishing gear instead. NaOnka, whom I've renamed Nanook, wants that damn power. I mean, it's pow-er. Power! I don't know about you but I like power. I like to wield it over people, I like to get free things because of it, and I may or not like to rape and pillage small villages in the name of it. "Power is good" is the point I'm trying to make, but the Little Flowers clearly don't share my passion for sweaty toothed dominance and they choose to take the fishing gear instead. Marty and Yve happily take the Medallion from silly little Brenda. They hold it up to the sky, a lightening bolt hits it, and suddenly all of the Erik Estradas end up in capes. It was kinda cool.

And this is where we meet Shannon. Shannon is beefy and has lots of Roman inspired curls matted to his head. He talks in that sneering kind of "I just can't be bothered with this crap" way and, I'm not sure, but I think I might already hate him. Looking at him in his strategically distressed jeans talking about how the Erik Estradas suck with their AARP and fiber challenged intestines makes me wonder what frat he was in and how many pairs of Co-Ed Naked Whatever t-shirts he owns. Look, I'm not even old enough to be an Erik Estrada, but I know a douchebag when I see one and Shannon be thy name. Shannon grunts and says "Those them there old antique people are gonna need that power..." and then he laughed in a Beavis & Butthead way that made me roll my eyes so much they got caught in the upper part of my skull.

The tribes then separate and settle into their new homes. The Erik Estradas are all a twitter whispering and pointing at Jimmy Johnson. "Is it really him?", "I wonder what he's doing here.", "Do you think he brought any Extenze along?". Some members are tickled pink while others like Jimmy T. (nee Sasquatch) are annoyed and ticked off. I say use Jimmy J. to your advantage. He can probably pump everyone up and get them psyched for challenges, he may be good for a few stories, and there's plenty of time to get rid of him down the road. It's too early to hate, Sasquatch. What I want to know is how you managed to survive in the wild so long with those ginormous teeth you have? Aren't they like beacons of light to deadly predators? Are squirrel meat and tree bark enough to sustain you through the winter? I have so many questions and so little time. I say "little time" because your crap attitude and manic ramblings are gonna be your ticket home buddy, but more on that later.

In the trees on a wood gathering sojourn Goat Lady Wendy and Dara Torres (Holly) cross paths. Dara, doing nothing to diffuse the "Is she or isn't she?" debate, embraces Goat Lady and whispers to her how much she likes her. Keep in mind they've only been on the same tribe for, oh I don't know, 3 minutes. The two women make a hasty alliance based on good faith and interesting head wear and promise to be besties for life. Goat Lady is thrilled and shocked all at once. She likes Dara well enough and goat ranching is a lot like swimming - you have to wear silly outfits and keep insane schedules. So Wendy is happy enough. Her husband thinks she'll get kicked off the first day because she runs her trap too much, but she's just happy to be there - weird unplaceable accent and all.

Off in the distance a gentle rumbling begins. It's the Shambo Cloud Of Love delivering me a new princess to adore. She's a self-proclaimed hillbilly with a heart of gold whom I want to take home and place on my mantle. I'd like to push a button on the back of her neck and have her spew out crazy backwoods witticisms. She's delightful, she marches to the beat of her own drummer, and her name is Jane... Jungle Jane. If she's accepting applications for grandchildren, consider mine submitted! Jungle Jane is a go getter and when she gets an idear (yes, I spelled it ideaR) in her head, she's goes after it. Jane wants herself a fire so she snatches someone's glasses, tells the sun to position itself just so, and proceeds to do what took the cavemen eons to accomplish - Jane makes fire in about 30 seconds. Jane's a simple woman who just wants to pay off her ranch and mourn her dead husband. She's worked hard her entire life milking cows, slaughtering pigs, and shoveling horse shit. With that million dollars she could get herself a Roomba and a fancy new hairdo and live happily ever after. Let's get Jane that Roomba. Let's collectively send her sparkly thoughts of pretty goodness. If there's one thing I adore it's a sassy no nonsense ole lady who's been through the ringer. Jane fits the bill and, as of now, she's my new hero.

Over at the Little Flowers homestead it's high-fiving time. A great many minutes will be spent high-fiving. They'll high-five when they wake up in the morning. They'll high-five when they take a tinkle. Hell, they'll high-five just for high-fiving's sake. It's fun to high-five I guess, but when you're wiping your ass with leaves it might not be the most sanitary thing to do. Just sayin'. Now we meet Sash/Matt/Norma (he doesn't know what his name is so let's call him Norma). Norma is all smiles. He can't believe he's on Survivor where the water is crystal clear, the sun beats lusciously on his back, and the girls aren't bad to look at. Well, great Norma, you just described Sandals Negril. Give the waiter your drink order and he'll be right back with your daquiri. Seriously though, I joke with Norma only because I think he's reading this. Norma's real power lies in his magical mystical teeth. Have you seen those things? Girls will throw their tops off and flop on their backs at their sparkly whiteness. Between Norma's teeth and Shannon's curls someone is bound to get pregnant this season... it could be Dimples. Who knows?

As delightful as Norma's teeth might be, I must once again turn my attention to Jughead. Jughead is like so psyched to be there with "his people". He belongs there man. He belongs on that beach and... *trip, stumble, hiccup, fall* Whoopsie daisy! Jughead just fell on his hair and I think he's hurt. Oh nevermind, he just stubbed his toe. Time for a high five! *high five's all around* Dude, that was a close one. So Jughead has his buff on and is clearing leaves and... OUCH!!! *manly blonde squeals* Poor Jughead. A crab has now clamped onto his finger and he doesn't know how to get it off. Should he yank it? Try to smash it with something? Unclip the claws? Oh fiddlesticks, it's too difficult to figure out. Jughead decides to just sit there and scream instead. He'll holler and moan and do a jittery version of the Watusi until the pain subsides. The toe thing and the crab thing were funny and all that, but when Juggy Jughead started haphazardly whacking that machete around, I feared for, not only his life, but the lives of innocent Nicaraguans everywhere. That kid is a danger to society and I think the only way we can assure the world safety is to donate his hair to Locks Of Love and then set him on fire or something. It's harsh, I know, but safety comes first.

While Jughead continues to trip over logs and accidentally hack off Kelly B.'s other leg, Chase and Shannon are in their skivvies making themselves an alliance. They tell each other how smart and strong they are. Clearly, they're a threat to mankind with their strapping strappedness and broad shoulders so, like, yeah, high five it out and let's get a little team going here. It's here that we also discover that one Mr. Shannon isn't too fond of the ladies. Oh sure, they're fine to pork and belittle into eating disorders, but win a million dollars? Nuh uh! No way. No can do. Ladies aren't meant to win Survivor. It's a man's world and a man's game and no vagina is gonna stand in his way. The thought of watching a woman age in marriage is horrifying to Shannon and, please, don't get him started on the chances of having a woman president. Uh Shannon, sweet cheeks, please crawl back to wherever it is you came from, swallow an entire vat of that bug poison you peddle around, and promptly foam at the mouth and die. It's 2010 and us little ladies aren't here to wash your skid marks and have your dinner on the table by 6. We're here to kick your ass and wipe that smug smirk off your ridiculously curly head. *flashes the vagina gang sign*

Speaking of vaginas, it's about time for Hop-A-Long Kelly to make her big reveal. No, it's not beer flavored nipples Shannon, it's the fact that she's missing a leg. *sigh* Yes, her vagina still works Shannon. Jesus, shut up already! Jughead, on the other hand, looks at the metal foot, scratches his head, and asks, "How do you tell it what to do?" Well, Jughead, Kelly B. reserves a quiet table in a corner cafe, buys it a latte, and says, "Hey leg, I'm thinking of going to the market today. Care to help me hop along over there?" And that's how it's done Jughead. She asks and the leg replies. Magic! Most of the tribe is sympathetic and inspired, but Nanook and Shannon are having none of it. That bum leg is Kelly's sympathetic ticket to the million. Better she goes swiftly and in a timely manner. I wonder how they'll react if she tells them her dad died in the earthquake in Haiti. They'll probably jump her and beat her within an inch of her life. High fives all around!

Now we arrive at the Immunity Challenge. The Erik Estradas are all smiles and raring to go after hearing their first Jimmy Johnson "kick their ass" speech and the Little Flowers are nowhere to be found. Then, we hear it. There's a faint, "Ooh ahh, ooh ahh" coming over the mountaintop. Is the Survivor set about to be trampled by indigenous head hunters from the Amazon? No, sadly no. It's just Little Flowers being remarkably douchetastic and reenacting a scene from Bring It On or something. Look, I like cheerleading movies as much as the next gal, but I keep my spirit fingers and Liberties to myself in the privacy of my own room. No need to parade that shit in front of Dimples and look like a tool.

OK so for this challenge teams have to dump creepy colored water down sections of gutter and direct the water into a barrell. Once the barrell fills, puzzle pieces will drop, and the first tribe to complete the puzzle wins immunity. The Erik Estradas also have an opportunity to use my cucuracha... errr, I mean, the Medallion Of Power to give them a one bucket advantage. They decline the offer and decide to save the power for another day. Survivors ready, go!

The Little Flowers get dumping on their urine water (seriously, it was yellow) while the Erik Estradas get going on their toilet blue water. They stay neck in neck for the most part and in a nail biter of an ending when the Little Flowers screw up one of their pieces... LITTLE FLOWERS WIN IMMUNITY!!! Brenda calls the Erik Estradas a bunch of old dummies for not using their power (ok, maybe she didn't use those words, but the sentiment was the same) and the Metamucil crowd begrudgingly head back to their camp.

The big question now is who to send home. Jimmy J. comes right out and says to get rid of the weakest and, in a move I don't entirely understand, he fingers himself as one of the weakest along with the Goat Lady. Sasquatch sees this and sneaks off into the woods to take a nap then snort some meth and ritalin (a killer combo). After his sleepy time and head rush he growled angrily at the sun and then came back hemming and hawing over how the stars blind people and Jimmy J. needs to go. I don't know what Sasquatch's deal is, but his big ole bag of bullshit is growing old very quickly. I don't give two shits if America voted him on this show. Most Americans are public school educated and think the Kardashians are worthy of being famous so what does that tell you?

Let's fast forward to Tribal Council because I'm feeling a little long winded this morning. I can't help it. I'm excited. I finally have something worthwhile to recap so you'll have to forgive my extra paragraphs. OK so we're at Tribal and the flames are flickering, the orange light bathes Dimples in goodness, and we prepare to hear the innermost thoughts of the Erik Estradas. As if I couldn't love Jungle Jane anymore than I already do, she quotes a Dimples article where he said he didn't understand why anyone who didn't know how to make fire would bother coming on Survivor. Jane says she read that article, tattooed it on her ass, and then spent 2 months practicing how to make fire. Dimples is enchanted, I'm lying in my chaise lounge dipping my toes in glitter, and Jungle Jane t-shirts suddenly become a very viable business opportunity. I love this lady! There was a bunch of other chitchat the centered around Jimmy J. Apparently, Sasquatch is unthrilled that he's not the center of attention. He's used to being a leader and doesn't appreciate Jimmy J. telling everyone there's no way he can win this game.

Eventually, talk to turns to Wendy and she's all fired up that no one has asked her her age. Really? That's what bothers you Goat Lady? Look, I like the eccentric types and I can appreciate someone who's a little looney, but you kind of freak me out I think. In an effort to move things along, Dimples tries to get the tribe to vote, but Goat Lady has a few more things to say. It went something like this...

I'm friendly. I'm really nice once you get to know me. I'm strong too. And I'm trustworthy. Yeah, you can trust me. Sometimes people say I talk too much, but that's just part of my niceness. I'm really a kind and loving person, but I'll also work hard, and you know I raise goats for a living and that's not exactly easy. I have to wake up early in the morning, put on my overalls, and smile at them all or else they'll kick me in face. The goats know I'm nice though. I'm pretty sure they think I'm a leader. They know they can trust me just like you can trust me. I want to be here, really I do. I'm strong and fun and I know how to carry wood and things. I can boil water and if you want I'll climb trees and pick you some berries. My feet? No blisters, I swear!Sometimes my husband says I talk too much. His name is Ralph and he works part time as a lumberjack. Do you know how heavy logs are? They're really heavy, but I'm nice and he's nice so it's ok and please keep me on Survivor. It looks like rain. Does anyone wanna borrow my hat? I'll share it with you, really I will...

I have no idea what the hell she was talking about, but it pretty much sealed her fate and Goat Lady Wendy is the first person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua.

So, what did you guys think of the premiere episode? Who are you liking so far? Who's really chapping your ass? How long until Jughead loses a limb? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Yve: La Femme Nikita

Our last Survivor we'll be meeting is the fiery Latina homemaker Yve. She can assemble and disassemble guns, look good in a bikini, and she reminds me a little bit of the new Nikita. Her sisters called her Evil Yve and that gives me something to hold onto. The video itself isn't all that remarkable, but she sent me a very nice Facebook message which means, that like Norma/Sash, Yve also gets a free one episode pass. Yes, I can be bought. I'm shameless I know. It's part of my charm.

Yve grew up in Kansas yet her father ran a coconut farm in Venezuela and, after a little digging, I discovered she's also worked as a hand model. Body part models are always fascinating. I picture them with oven mitts on their hands and laboriously rubbing vats on lotion on themselves very much like George Costanza did in that Seinfeld episode. I think Yve is unhappy with her age which means she feels like she has a lot to prove. That could be great for challenges, but not so great for her social game. The fact that her video isn't all that revealing leaves me making a lot of guesses and, while I'm all for speculating, Yve is still very much a mystery to me.

Here's what I have in mind for Yve: I want her to team up with the Centrum Silver men, make it to the merge, and then be super evil and condescending to all the young hotties. There aren't many women I'm truly rooting for upon first glance so there's definitely a spot open for Yve to fit nicely into. If she adds in some salsa hips, shakes her "maracas", and seduces the young bucks of La Flor she could be my hero. We'll just have to wait and see.

Please to enjoy:

Wendy: Goat Girl

Awww Wendy. She's precious, she raises goats, and she joined the army because of the movie Private Benjamin. I want to put her in my pocket and pet her. I'll feed her sunflower seeds and candy sprinkles. She'll giggle and we'll be great friends. Of course, I'll have to eventually squish her in between my fingers for even thinking she could conquer Survivor, but I'll get through it. I'll have those cherished goat memories to hold onto.

So, umm yeah, I'm thinking Wendy will be the first to go on the Centrum Silver tribe. She's lovably whacky and that'll be her downfall I'm afraid. Of course, if I'm wrong and she forms an offbeat quirky Thelma & Louise type alliance with Jane, I'll be the happiest goat lover of them all. I'll have to introduce them to Shambo and organize bar tours and whatnot.

Please to enjoy:

Tyrone: Ya Can't Use My Phone

I think ya better call Tyrone... and tell him come on. Erika Badu knew her shit when she sang those words. Tyrone is one cool cat who'll save the day, put out a fire, plunge your toilet, and make the Crips lay down their gats. What's not to love about this guy? He rose above his circumstances, did something good with his life, yet will probably cut you ear to ear if you cross him the wrong way.

I'm thinking he has no tolerance for bullshit and the lazy women in his tribe will be the first to go because of it. I'm also envisioning Tyrone tangling antlers with Evil Marty a little further down the road. In that case, I'll have to pick a side and kick one of these gentlemen to the curb. It might end up being Tyrone. His one fault is he wants to play with integrity. Screw integrity! I can't work with integrity like I can pure delicious mouth watering evil.

Please to enjoy:

Shannon: Funny Little Bugger

OK I'm half way through this guy's video and I can't stop laughing. Shannon is unintentionally funny and I think I like it. He nonchalantly talks about how sometimes children suck at life and in the next breath he flippantly discusses how he got his girlfriend pregnant. It warms the cockles of my heart and gives me a reason to live, I tell you. There's something very endearing about his bluntness. And the hair... can we please dicuss the Mark Antony hairdo? It's so bad, it's good. I can't stop picturing Shannon in a toga and gold sandals and I'm not exactly sure that's a bad thing.

Shannon is a no fuss no muss kind of guy. He says what he thinks and, sure, he might be boneheaded, but he also might be hilarious. He kills bugs for a living and, like embalmers and sewer guys, he has that innate sense of humor about it all that gets him through the day. I'm thinking a Sash/Shannon alliance might not be a bad idea. Physically and mentally they could dominate La Flor.

Please to enjoy:

Sash: Snake Charmer

This second batch of Survivor's I'm meeting today (save Kelly S.) were all born under a black moon with a wolf howling in the distance. Yes, I realize wolves don't howl unless it's a full moon, but these Survivors are special. They're evil. They're so evil, they're eeee-veel, like they are the fru-its of the dev-eeeel. (Name the movie in the comments and you're a big weiner!)

Normally, I'd hate a guy like Sash/Matthew/Norma (I have no idea what the hell his name is), but he follows me on Twitter so that has to count for something. He's getting a free pass from me for one episode only. I want to be delighted and entranced by all sorts of wicked plotting and cauldron stirring. If he can seduce the ladies into submission and charm indigenous Nicaraguan reptiles, then that's all the better. Don't let me down Norma (that's my new name for him) and, for crying out loud, accept my Facebook request already!

Please to enjoy:

NaOnka: Firecracker Rainbow

I'm going to either love or hate this girl. Some might interpret her confidence for cockiness, but I'm not too sure. If she kicks ass in the challenges, then NaOnka is the real deal. If she sucks and spends all her time bitching and moaning, then girlfriend is all talk and I'll be glad to get rid of her early on. Something deep down in my blackened soul tells me she might be the one to watch. Nanook (that's my new name for her) could very easily be the life of the party. She has a clever way of turning a phrase and I dig that.

And, who am I kidding, I have to have a soft spot for a gal who calls herself a "firecracker and a rainbow".

Please to enjoy:

Marty: Lucifer's Cousin?

Marty may look fatherly on the outside, but I'm thinking he's got a few of those fiery embers we all love so much burning deep within his soul. I wonder if he's a distant relative of Lucifer (Russell Hantz) or perhaps he's Richard Hatch's long lost brother. I don't know where he came from (California) or what he does (technology exec), but he's got danger written all over his face. As my middle name is "Danger", I think Marty and I will get along famously.

Marty is also one of those Everest-climbing, Ironman-competing, adrenaline junkies which means he's fit and equipped with a "do or die" mentality. I can easily see him being the leader of the Centrum Silver tribe.

Mark my words... we've got our villain.

Please to enjoy:

Kelly S.: Not Your Winner

Today we meet Kelly Shinn. *sigh* Do we have to? I'm so sick of mediocre girls saying they're more than a pretty face.

Kelly was homecoming queen and she like thinks she'll like have the best social popularity game in like the history of Survivor ever. Elisabeth Hasslebeck is her Survivor hero because she like played with "smarts". Look, Elisabeth is many things. "Smart" just isn't one of them.

Kelly will plan ice cream socials and panty raids and she'll like be the belle of the ball. Oh shut the fuck up you dumb bitch. I predict a quick and early departure for you and, you know what? I'm not the least bit sad about it.

Please to not enjoy:

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Kelly B.: Hop-A-Long Kelly

Jesus Christ do I feel quilty having the nerve to bitch about my hot water heater being broken. Kelly's story reads like a Greek tragedy. Her dad was killed in the Haiti earthquake while trying to help feed the poor and, if that isn't bad enough, bitch only has one leg. Today, in honor of Kelly B. I won't complain when my DVR flips off too soon or if someone cuts me off in traffic (although I will give them the finger). I'm going to be a better person and appreciate all that I have... even if that is a leaky propane valve which almost killed me with vapors and now makes my showers FUCKING FREEZING!!!

I don't have much to say about Kelly other than "mad respect". Good for you. Rock it out for all the one legged gals. I pray there's a self-centered princess type that'll look like an awful reptilian in comparison.

I do have one question though: If she has to swim, will her leg rust? Oh, come on... you were totally thinking the same thing!

Please to enjoy:

Jud: Like A Prayer

Jud is kind of a tool. Dimples called him Spicoli, but I think that's being way too kind. Yes, he's young, kind of a pretty boy, and I might be jealous of his thick luscious locks, but there's something about him that's making me create a voodoo doll in his image. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's the shirt... or the hand gestures... or the twinkle in his eye. Do I love him or hate him? I just don't know.

Jud is a mystery. Everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name. And it feels like home.


Please to enjoy:

Jimmy T: Polidented Pescatarian

Ok let's ignore the fact that that's the worst Survivor publicity photo in the history of Survivor photos and get to know Jimmy Tarantino.

Jimmy T is actually the online casting winner. Let's be real, online castings rarely work out, but you know what? I kinda like ole Jimmy. He has no clue what the hell Survivor is and he's a commercial fisherman. Together, that's kind of endearing. His dentures fascinate me and I think he'd be a hell of a guy to have a beer with.

Good luck Jimmy T!

Please to enjoy:

Jimmy J.: He Does Something With Foozball

Apparently, this guy is some sort of famous sports person. I've gotta be honest here... sports, to me, is watching surfing on the North Shore or cheering when Shawn Johnson sticks her landing. Let's just say, I watch ESPN solely for the cheerleading competitions. I'm not really one of those beer drinking football watching kind of gals. Sure, I'll fake it for a relationship, but it's not like I'm cheering on the Redskins when, say, America's Next Top Model is on another channel at the same time.

Jimmy definitely has an interesting challenge being a famous person and all that, but what's the deal with him? Is he a total asshole? Will he delight me with profanity laden rants? I'm not getting much from his video so I'm gonna need you guys to help me out here a little. What's his reputation?

Oh wait a minute... doesn't he do penis commercials?

Please to enjoy:

Jill: Yawntastic

Jill is bo-ring with capital 'BO'. She's a doctor and in her online bio she refers to herself as "the total package". A total package of what? Saltines without the salt? Chicken broth with the chicken? Give me something to work with here. Anything!

Please to enjoy:
Try not to fall asleep.

Jane: My New Shambo?

Awww could Jane be my new Shambo? That gap in her teeth makes me want to crawl inside and get cozy. Stories from the farm with rabid beavers and armadillos causing chaos are like sweet little lullabies to my hardened heart. She's sassy and has, what I like to call, gumption.

You know I've got a soft spot for the whacky and weird underdogs and Jane could easily be my star this year. She's gonna tell it like it is and whip those old fogies into shape. Bless her heart.

Please to enjoy:

Holly: Dora Torres

Holly is kinda meh. She's got a Dora Torres kind of thing going on and that could be interesting I guess. For the most part, I'm just not feeling her. The fact that I checked my email and sent out tweets while watching her video isn't really a good sign.

She could have an inner bitch and I'll hold tight to that whiff of a promise on the horizon.

Please to enjoy:

Dan: The Made Man

Dan runs New York much like Natalie from the Bad Girls Club runs L.A. or Rachel (BB12) runs Vegas. He can ban you from events, bury you deep in cement, and, at the same time, get you a cannoli that's out of this world.

Personally, I'm getting a little sick of the Jersey Shore/Enzo Palumbo crap, but I'm not gonna count Dan out yet. Something about him could be likable... of course I say that out of fear - pure "I don't wanna get whacked" fear.

Please to enjoy:

Chase: Death Brother

Next up is Chase. I didn't want to like Chase because he works for NASCAR and I think driving around in circles in goofy moustaches is just plain silly, but his story tugged at my wee teeny tiny heart and brought a tear to my eye. Chase, like me, recently lost his dad and his life has been turned upside down because of it. The life he once knew and enjoyed just isn't there anymore and now he's stuck in a pile of shit that never seems to go away, where everyday brings a new insurmountable challenge, and the only peace you'll ever find is at the bottom of a gin bottle... Uh yeah, that's what Chase said. Not me. Not me at all.

Please to enjoy:

Brenda: Paddle Paddle

So far, I don't mind Brenda. She owns a paddle board company, competed in pageants, cheered for the NFL, and seems pretty laid back. She's easy on the eyes, works hard, and just wants to have fun. Not much to hate on there. Bitch better not let me down.

Please to enjoy:

Benry: He's a "Younger"

Benry is a douchebag. I mean, come on, his name is "Benry". His reason for going on Survivor is "to dominate and show the world what it is like to be a champion". I'm feeling a very strong Lucifer influence here and I suspect those fiery embers will be inspiring many many tribe members, not just Benny Wenny Benry.

Benry is a club promoter, used to shoot for Girls Gone Wild, and has a million celebrity friends yadda yadda yadda. He thinks he's one of the "youngers" and I'm not really sure but that might be a tribe of Ed Hardy t-shirt wearers. Hate him already.

Please to enjoy:

Princess Alina: Not A Pretty Face

First up is Alina. Alina's reason for going on Survivor is to "prove I'm not just a pretty face". Uh oh, I rolled my eyes too much and now they're caught up inside my skull.

I shall have fun with this princess. Perhaps I'll curse her with genital warts or something. I'm not sure yet.

As I'm in a hurry to get all these cast vids up in a timely manner, let's skip the formalities where I call her "delusional", "rah-tarded", and "nauseating" and just cruise on to the video where she tells us she's pretty about 20 times. Call me crazy, but girlfriend isn't really all that.

Please to enjoy:

The BItch Is Back!

Greetings Survivor Fans!

The Bitch is back for another mythical magical, and sometimes ridiculous, season of Survivor. Every week I'll be posting my witty, borderline genius recaps for the world to enjoy. Look for posts to go up on Thursday afternoons. I encourage (nee demand) lengthy comments and look forward to sparring with each and every one of you over which cast members rock and which ones suck ass.

In all honesty, I'm only just now watching all the Survivor vids and I'm already salivating. Anything is better than the clusterfuck that has been Big Brother 12. I've been knee deep in that crap all summer and the stinky unhygienic heathens that are the Survivor cast are a most welcome change.

So, get ready, set your DVR's for the time change (it's on WEDNESDAYS now), and meet me here every Thursday!

The Bitchy Network will be hosting a Survivor Fantasy Game so join the Survivor Bitches Group and take part!

I'll be posting cast vids all day. Until then, please to enjoy Dimples' take on it all...