Thursday, September 23, 2010

Hasta La Vista

Down a long and windy dirt road, through the sticky thick Louisiana heat, and just past Alligator Alley lies a small unfortunate town known as Douchebaggerville. Douchebaggerville is famous for one thing and one thing only: housing douchebags... insufferable, brainless, Tool Academy reject douchebags. To fully understand how a douchebag is discovered we have to go all the way back to their births. Occasionally, just out of the womb, a male infant will look straight into the face of his exhausted mother and do what's tantamount to having a '666' printed on the back of his skull; he'll shrug his shoulders, adjust his sideways trucker cap, wink his eye, click his tongue, and give momma a big thumb's up. The nurses and doctors will solemnly shake their heads in disapproval, the mother will shriek in horror, and the new baby covered in goo and Ed Hardy graphics will promptly be removed from the hospital and sent to Douchebaggerville. There, he will painstakingly be raised to the high standards set by famous douchebags who walked this Earth before him. The halls of the strict institution are lined with rich oily portraits of men who made douchebaggery what it is today: Jon Gosselin, Spencer Pratt, Kevin Federline, Kanye West, Brody Jenner, The Situation, Dane Cook, and that guy Mystery from the now defunct VH-1 show "The Pick-Up Artist". Society may look down on these men, but it is only after years of rigorous study in the fine arts of misogyny and homophobia, annual retreats to Senor Frog's in Cancun, and hours spent telling date rape jokes that a truly gifted douchebag is created. Most will end up producing porn or working as overpaid Hollywood agents, but, sometimes, one manages to creep through the system and show up in the one place yours truly considers holy - a CBS reality show. Such an instance occurred last night and as a superhero blogger fighting for the liberation of the justification of the beautification of worthy contestants, it is my sworn duty to sniff out these a-holes and make fun of them for the horrible people they are. Let's recap, shall we?

We begin with the Erik Estradas (Espada). They're old and decrepit and waking up on a piece of tree bark with a chunk of coral for a pillow isn't exactly doing these old-timers any favors. With giant bags under their eyes and the faint smell of Metamucil in the air, the tribe attends their morning meeting to receive their daily assignments from Jimmy J. and discuss how to go about improving their shelter for a better night's sleep. Sleep is important to anyone, but it's especially important to the AARP crowd. Cross paths with a curmudgeonly old man and you could not only find animal control called on your innocent puppy, but a shotgun shell in your ass if you dare to step on his lawn to retrieve a ball your kids were playing with. The meeting runs smoothly as everyone prepares for a day of honest to goodness hard work. Sasquatch, a grumbling hunched over lurch of a man, desperate to be heard, desperate to be the Jimmy that matters, interrupts peaceful fun time with his own ideas of how the day should be run. "Uh we should go fishing and get some, you know, fish.", he suggests. OK Sasquatch, thank you for that. The group collectively ignores Lesser Jimmy and looks to Popular Jimmy with wide excited eyes while waiting for permission to begin their daily tasks. Jimmy J. gets down on one knee, writes fascinating shelter building plays in the sand, and with a boisterous "Gooooo team!", the day has officially begun. Sasquatch burbles to himself and walks off to pout while Marty kicks back thrilled that Jimmy J. has taken on the role of leader. As long as Marty doesn't have a target on his back, he doesn't give two flying Centrum Silvers who's running things.

Over at Little Flowers (La Flor), Norma (Matt/Sash) polishes his pearly whites with a rolled out coconut skin, smiles at the sun, and gives it permission to shine. Remember back when we were all traumatized by Brett's nipples on Survivor Samoa? Well, Norma's teeth are like the antidote to Brett's nipples. They're symmetrical, shiny, sparkly, and I have a sneaking suspicion they contain a magical aphrodisiac that I could probably make a fortune off of on the black market in Kandahar. If I were to somehow come into posession of one of Norma's magical ivory tusks... I could grind it up, sell the powder, and buy that Bahamian hideaway I've always wanted. Now, I'm not suggesting I'd actually do anything like that, but let's just say I may or may not have made a few phone calls to some unsavory characters in the New York City area who know their way around a pair of pliers.

So, Norma is not only all smiles, but did you know that he's 1/16th Jamaican and 2/25th's Tibetan? He's a potpourri of ethnicities and his dream, besides stealing that Colgate Total gig from Brooke Shields, is to form a mini United Nations alliance in Little Flowers. While on the beach with Nanook (NaOnka), Norma pitches his UN idea to her. Nanook is definitely interested since no one has approached her yet to talk about anything strategic and after witnessing one of Norma's 10,000 watt smiles up close, she agrees to join. Together Norma and Nanook plan on approaching the Ninja Warrior herself (Brenda) in the very near future... you know, cause she's Asian. Norma tells us that minorities have a special bond that no one else has and I'm inclined to agree with him. Yours truly is half Latina and I've always felt a special symbiotic closeness to Shakira. If I hear one bar of her music my hips just instinctually react and 3 ft tall children everywhere find themselves suddenly in danger. If that's not something special, then I don't know what is.

Back over at the Erik Estradas, without the benefit of Norma's smile, Dara Torres (Holly) is slowly unravelling and crawling on her hands and knees into the bell jar. Jill was sitting by herself, minding her own business, enjoying a nice helping of escargot when up leaps Dara all angry and insulted. She rips the snails from Jill's hands and declares that all snail eaters of the world are stupid... just stupid! Look crazy pants, I realize that Prozac doesn't grow on trees down here in Nicaragua, but take it down a notch for crying out loud. Jill, who's beginning to grow on me more and more, remarks how mentally unstable Dara is and, after watching a summer of Rachel Reilly, I begin to wonder if perhaps CBS shouldn't tweak their psych test just a tad. I am hereby renaming Dara Torres as Crazy Pants. The real Dara is a successful altogether with-it athlete and Crazy Pants, ummm, isn't.

So, after Crazy Pants steals the snails and dumps them god knows where, Jill and Dan tell the rest of the tribe what went down. Tyrone is dismayed that anyone would throw out any food whatsoever while Jimmy J. feels a pep talk coming on. They've got a challenge to win dammit! While Jimmy J. makes some notes like "There's no 'I' in 'Team'" and "Be Aggressive! B-E Aggressive!", Dan Dan the Mafia Man is wondering if the local Nicaraguan mental facility has a bed available for a crazy snail hater. While he's telling some members of his tribe that Crazy Pants is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, Crazy Pants was nearby lurking in a tree listening to every word of it. After talking to the fanciful elf person her mind told her was there, she decides that revenge is the best course of action. What better way to get back at someone than to steal their footwear, fill them with sand, and sink them to the bottom of the ocean? I'm quite sure that back in the olden timey days, that's exactly what ornery pirates did to their enemies. Who needs a plank when you've got a beach of sand available to stuff into shoes?

Not long after the ocean got a new pair of shoes, Dan notices his extremely practical $1600 pair of Alligator wingtips are missing. He tells the tribe his shoes are missing and everyone begins to help him look. Meanwhile, hiding behind a bush, Crazy Pants is clapping and giggling to herself. If there was wallpaper anywhere nearby, she'd be licking it. Everyone is very troubled that someone would play such silly petty pranks this early in the game while Crazy Pants had retreated to the beach to talk to an abandoned clam shell. She asks it for advice and as clam shells are nothing but shit stirrers, it tells her to come clean and own up to the shoe mishap. Crazy Pants kisses it gingerly on it's clammy head and skips back to the tribe to make her confession. Dan is exhausted, tired, and his sciatica must be acting up or something cuz he's making all sorts of painful faces as he attempts to lie back on a bed of leaves. With her life coach clam shell in her pocket, Crazy Pants bursts forth from the trees, leaps on top of Dan scaring the bejesus out of him, and, I'm not sure, but I think he lost his bowels in that moment. Dan stares up at Crazy Pants in fear for his life as she tells him she stole and sunk his shoes. Dan dials home, orders the hit, and we all know that Crazy Pants will be dealt with in a timely manner as soon she gets back to the States.

Weirdly enough, there's a similar foot problem going on over at Little Flowers. Nanook went to put her socks on and she noticed that one was missing. Instead of calmly and rationally asking if someone possibly could have misplaced her prized sock, she starts waving her hands this way and that, doing that side to side neck thing, and screaming, "I'll be damned if someone takes my sock! That's some damn crazy ass shit right there bitches! No one better mess with me and my socks!" I'm not sure, but I think Nanook is a distant relative of Crazy Pants. I wouldn't be surprised if biracial first cousins mated somewhere back in time and Nanook and Crazy Pants are the unfortunate results of that forbidden union. Now, Nanook didn't have a life coach clam shell to tell what her to do so, on her own, she decides to go ahead and steal someone else's socks because, not only is it totally hygienic and not gross at all, it's completely sane and a proportionate response to the wrong that was done to her.

It turns out the socks Nanook took were Jughead's (Jud). Instead of putting two and two together and putting those last few brain cells to good use, Jughead wanders the beach wondering out loud what in the world could have happened to his spare socks. Someone, I couldn't tell who, says, "Nanook is wearing them dummy." and I couldn't help but smile in that moment. You can call this kid Dummy to his face and he just refuses to bat an eyelash. He's so innocent and childlike. It must be nice not to know what's going on around you. I'm plagued on a daily basis by people trying my last nerve, but if I lived in, let's say, Jughead's world, none of that would matter and I'd probably be blissfully happy. Then again, I also wouldn't have let that crazy bitch walk off with my socks thinking she's entitled to them. I'm not sure why, but somehow Nanook has rationalized getting mad at Jughead even though she's the one who stole from him and not the other way around.

Nanook's number one target is now Jughead and she finds no pleasure whatsoever in his boneheaded shenanigans. Aw, come on Nanook, you have to look at Jughead like a court jester or a rodeo clown. He's there to delight us and make us smile and nothing more. Don't try to analyze Jughead or figure him out. Just give him a nickle and watch him stick his head into the fire or something. That's what I plan on doing. Last week I was a little mean to Jughead, but this week I'm thinking a wrestling match with a spider monkey is entirely possible in the future and I, for one, don't want to miss it.

Now we arrive at the big Immunity/Reward Challenge. Dimples is there with his McDreamy hair and Banana Republic wardrobe smiling as the tribes enter the scene. Once again, Little Flowers does a choreographed marching thing that ends with them shouting, "La Flor!" Hmm ok. If this is going to become a regular thing, I'd like to request that next week you guys make it a little more hip-hoppy. You know, do a lot of popping and locking with some of those "Drop It Like It's Hot" squats or something. The week after that I wouldn't be opposed to a Salsa themed entrance at all. I'm sure Norma is 3/15th's Argentinian so have him choreograph it. Please and thank you.

Ok so one person from each tribe will race through the mud and into the hay looking for a ball. It's the Survivor version of tarring and feathering I think. Once a tribe finds all 4 balls, they have to bounce the balls, using wooden shields, into a barrell. First tribe to get all their balls in the barrell wins Immunity. In addition, the winning tribe will get either a tarp or fishing gear. If the Erik Estradas choose to use their Medallion Of Power, they will begin with one ball already in the barrell and they can sit a weak person out of the Challenge. Wisely, the Erik Estradas choose to use the Medallion of Power and they decide to sit out Dan - probably because he's shoeless. Survivors ready, Go!

The Ninja Warrior and Jimmy J. dive in with Jimmy finding his ball first. Next, Jungle Jane and Kelly S. fly into the mud. Kelly retrieves her ball first giving Alina a good head start. Jungle Jane finally finds her ball and Crazy Pants is now up and dives face first into the mud. I think her clam shell told her to do that. *shrugs shoulders* Alina gets her ball and it's the moment we've all been waiting for... Hop Along Kelly is up and at home we wondered if her leg would go flying or perhaps the mud would clog it's titanium joints. I don't know about you, but my heart was in my throat in that moment. I crossed my fingers and watched as Kelly B. kicked so much damn ass I almost wanted a metal leg of my own. Seriously, she was unbelievable. It was awesome!

Little Flowers begin bouncing their balls into the barrell while Crazy Pants was flailing around in the mud having herself a grand ole time. I could be wrong, but I swore I saw her eat a handful or two of mud. Eventually, Crazy Pants finds her ball, but it's too late as the Little Flowers have already scored and any lead the Erik Estradas had is now lost. It's a nail biter of an ending with Tyrone and Benry matching each other basket for basket. It comes down to one final ball. Both Tyrone and Benry take a deep breath and prepare to launch. Benry completely fucks it up and ERIK ESTRADAS WIN IMMUNITY!!!

Back at camp, the Erik Estradas are whooping it up and celebrating. Tyrone and Jungle Jane share a butt dance that's not only delightful, but mesmerizing. Once the merriment dies down, the tribe opens their trunk of fishing gear to collectively discover the clue to the hidden Immunity Idol. They read it aloud together and, being a fisherman, Sasquatch figures out the the Idol is buried 15 ft from something. They assume it's a tree so they all start to dig around random trees. Jill takes another look at the clue and figures out that the clue is actually referring to "tree mail" and not just tree. Without thinking twice, she marches up to Marty and Dan and tells them where the Idol is. In her mind, she thinks it proves she's trustworthy. I, on the other hand, think it's way too early to be putting that much faith into people you hardly know. Sure enough, Jill was right and Marty digs up the Idol. He beams, "I found the Idol, baby!" Jill raises an eyebrow and Marty corrects himself, "We found the Idol, baby!" Call me crazy, but something tells me that unofficial alliance isn't going to work out too well.

Over at Little Flowers, the tribe is somewhat stunned as Hop Along Kelly clearly kicked ass in the challenge. I think they were ready to write her off and get rid of her without a second thought. It just so happens that leg is latched on tighter than they all thought. Even Nanook can't hate on Kelly B. and says, "She awesome. I don't like her, but she's just awesome." While Nanook is scratching her head wondering how the hell Kelly did what she did in that challenge, Alina decides that Ninja Warrior and Chase have to be split up. Maybe she likes Chase herself, who knows? Or maybe Alina just hates love. That could be it. Yeah, I'll bet that's it.

So now the tribe has to figure out who to get rid of. Jughead is pitching Nanook. Alina suggests Ninja Warrior and Ninja Warrior suggests Shannon. It appears as if we have a very clear divide in the Little Flowers tribe. We have Norma's UN alliance + Chase vs. Alina, Hop Along Kelly, Kelly S., Shannon, and maybe Jughead. Shannon gets wind of his head on the chopping so he tells Chase that Ninja Warrior is playing him and doesn't really like him at all. Women are evil yadda yadda yadda.

Let's just skip forward to what I know everyone is waiting for: Tribal Council. Tribal Council begins and it's still very up in the air who will go home. Dimples breaks the ice by asking Shannon how he's faring in Survivor so far. Shannon says it pretty much sucks because he's never been camping a day in his life. He takes another breath and says, "Oh and Chase better hope his girlfriend goes home tonight because if not he'll be going home next." *jaw on floor* I look at Dimples. His jaw is on the floor too. This is about to get interesting.

The stars twinkled in the sky, the heat from the fire gave everyone that orange-y glow... it was so lovely and peaceful until big dumb bohunk Shannon opened up his giant trap and did that "Inside, I'm really unsure of myself" dry mouth talking, incessant shoulder shrugging, eye twitching thing. With his hair matted strangely to his head, he opened his mouth and out came word vomit. Putrid, stinking, you're never getting this out of your clothes word vomit. First, he unleashed on Chase for being disloyal. Then, he told my precious peace loving idiot Jughead to pipe down. THEN, when Norma and his teeth dared to speak is when the magic happened.

Norma says to Shannon, "You're pretty much digging your own grave." Shannon replies, "Let's get this out of the way right now, are you gay?" *silence* Wha, wha, what?!? Did he just... did I really hear... what in the sam hell is he talking about?! I don't know what's going on, but Jughead is scared now and I can't have that. Norma informs Shannon that he just happens to be the Casanova of New York and Shannon would have no chance in hell hooking up with hot chicks there. Shannon replies, "Yeah, cuz New York is full of a bunch of gay people." *drops gin glass on the floor* Did he... did that... is this really happening??? Dimples sits wide-eyed and is struck speechless for the first time in Survivor history. Everyone just kind of hangs their heads and shakes them from side to side. Oh, but Shannon isn't done yet... apparently, New York has more gay people than Louisiana so stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

Look, Shannon, you piece of shit freaky haired numbskull. Are you not aware that Norma's teeth are women catchers? Even if they weren't and Norma did dabble in the man lake, WHO THE FUCK CARES?!? Norma could be wearing rainbow hot pants and platform boots and it still wouldn't matter AT ALL. What sort of backwoods hillbilly town are you from anyways? Oh, wait, I forgot, it's Douchebaggerville. Are you mayor of that town now or something? Do they have recruiting posters with your dumbass mug smiling goofily on it? You are a disgusting piece of filth Shannon Elkins. I hope Survivor holds the big finale in NEW YORK FUCKING CITY and there is an angry mob of gays waving pitchforks and sawed off shotguns ready to teach you a thing or two.

It is with great pleasure that I announce that the scum sucking piece of trash SHANNON ELKINS is the 2nd person voted off of Survivor Nicaragua. But you know what? Even after his homophobic outburst, people on that tribe actually voted for him to stay. That, I have no words for. Why would anyone vote to support someone like that? I'm taking issue with each and every person who voted for Shannon Elkins to remain in this game. You fucked up assholes. Get ready for next week.

So, how psychotic was last night? Are the Little Flowers beyond repair or can Shannon's absence bring them together? What will the life coach clam shell advise Crazy Pants to do next? Will Marty be loyal to Jill? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!