Thursday, September 30, 2010

I Got Hood

Deep in the heart of Los Angeles lies an intersection. It's not just any intersection. It's Florence and Normandie bitches. *flashes Crip sign* There are no television studios, no mouse themed amusement parks, and certainly no paparazzi lurking about. There is, however, a dude named Iced Dre who'll sell you rock and a glock if you so desire. The streets are mean. The inhabitants meaner. Civil unrest is a part of everyday life and unless Michelle Pfeiffer is your teacher, a good education is hard to come by. In this gangsta's paradise, one not only masters the art of the hustle, but the art of pushing over anyone who stands in their way. When the local catch phrase is "Imma get mine", compassion and understanding are meerly tiny flits of dust that bounce haphazardly in the air with no place to settle. Hey, I read that book Monster: The Autobiography of an L.A. Gang Member. I saw Malibu's Most Wanted. I know what goes down. *flashes Blood sign so as not to piss anyone off* It's a giant playground with guns where everyone just takes what they want - be it a backpack, a bag of weed, or a prosthetic leg. It's a mean jealous world out there. Toddlers never grow up, pants are worn moronically low, and the funeral home business is booming. Black, White, Mexican, El Salvadorian, Korean... they'd do well to start a UN alliance like my friend Norma (Matt/Sash), but instead they stay segregrated and raise little monsters named after dogs in 1980's Corey movies. Nanook (NaOnka), precious, today is your lucky day. Let's recap, shall we?

We begin in the thick of night. Angry crabs with razor sharp claws roam the shore and a befuddled tribe makes it's way back to camp. A giant matted haired douchebag hurled a string of ignorant slurs and everyone is at the same time beaten down and rejuvenated. It's during periods of tragedy and social injustice that petty differences are set aside and groups are brought together. Alina and Hop Along Kelly are ready to let bygones be bygones and make nicey nice with the rest of the tribe, but Nanook, made of sneers and sulfuric acid, isn't having it. She takes out her little pad and paper and writes in big block letters, "ONE LEG GURL - FAKE", "ALEENA - DUBBLE FAKE", and "JUD - STOOPID FAKE". Ok so spelling isn't exactly her forte, but, like Santa Claus, she's making a list of all the naughty people. Unlike Santa Claus though, she intends on taking those people and stealing their appendages for an ancient home brew her Voudoun practicing Haitian grandmother taught her long long ago. *shivers*

Over at the Erik Estradas (Espada), Jimmy J. is have a heart to heart with the monkey folk. No, that's not a euphemism for old people. That's literally what he was doing - talking to the monkeys. You see, it's a little known fact that "where there's monkeys, there's food." I always thought the saying was, "Where there's monkeys, there's flying poop.", but apparently I was wrong. So the monkeys are up a fruit tree and the hungry Erik Estradas would like to share in the bounty. Jimmy J., taking a page out of the Crazy Pants (Holly) playbook, howls and beats on his chest in a tarantella of monkey-ness. The monkeys are intrigued as they stop to listen to Jimmy J. Of course, Jimmy has no idea that in monkey speak he's pretty much offered Yve over to them as their new queen. Yve, witnessing the monkeys looking her over and licking their lips, remarks that Jimmy J. is not only a super famous celebrity and a Dr. Dolittle of sorts, but a man with a beautiful soul. You won't be saying that tomorrow Yve when the monkey king takes you back and ties you up in his monkey dungeon of delights.

Marty, on the other hand, isn't as enchanted with Jimmy J. as Yve is. As a matter of fact, Marty is downright pissed he got stuck with a stinky celebrity on his tribe. The Erik Estradas look to Jimmy J. for inspiration and Marty is a little more than pea green with envy. If Jimmy J. farts, the tribe laments it smells like roses. If Jimmy J. catches a tiny little minnow, everyone celebrates and cheers over how that minnow will add greatly needed sustenance and taste to an otherwise bland bowl of rice. Marty and his burning jealousy begin the task of trying to convince everyone that Jimmy J. isn't all he cracked up to be. In fact, he's a threat and a menace that needs to be disposed of as quickly as possible. Jill, either the voice of reason or a diabolical genius, tells Marty to calm down and just go ahead and show the tribe that he has the Immunity Idol. Personally, I can't figure Jill out. Is she a peace keeping homey housewife type of gal or is she a flaming headed dark beast with pure uncut evil in those freckles. I can't really decide what she's up to. I think I'm rooting for evil. If she's setting Marty up to take a glorious and painful fall from grace, Jill could very easily become my fave new ginger - after Carrot Top of course.

Back at Little Flowers (La Flor), Jughead (Jud) is doing what Jughead does best - sticking his face smack dab in the center of a roaring fire. I'm not positive, but I think he was trying to get high off of the crackling Nicaraguan embers. Sure, Nicaragua has a thriving cocaine and marijuana industry, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily in the soil Jughead. You can't just get high from any old plant or waft of smoke. Little did I know that all Jughead is really after is that tingly dizzy feeling one might get from doing a headstand too long. You know in that movie Parenthood where the little kid keeps bashing it's head against the wall because he liked the head rush? That's Jughead! Jughead will snort the skins of cashews or stand in a freshly painted room in order to chase that high. When his brain cells go "pop pop pop" like pretty soapy bubbles on a sunny day, Jughead is in bliss and riding his own melt. A creamy caramel-y soft and delicious melt that leads to a place over the rainbow where it rains skittles and munchkins dance in curly shoes. I envy Jughead. To end up in Candyland on a regular basis must be not only fun, but trippy. No wonder he's smiling all the time!

Jughead isn't all fun and games though. He's a serious dude who wants to be kept around for his "mentality" and his "spirit". Nanook disagrees. Nanook, off in a corner polishing her gat, thinks Jughead is an idiot who's wasting everyone's time. His hair is too lustrous and his smile is too goofy for Nanook for handle. Where Nanook comes from, laughter is a foreign language. She hears it and it makes her head cock to the side like a dog hearing the word "treat". She knows it means something important, but she's too busy being angry and hating everyone to bother to find out exactly what this thing called happiness is all about. If she took precious time out of her day to smile at something, she could miss a golden opportunity to sneer and crinkle her nose. Keep crinkling Nanook. You'll need botox far earlier than I ever will. And that chip on your shoulder? I think I read somewhere it leads to hunchback-ism. Have fun with that when your 45 and all alone limping down to the corner market in your knee high socks and mismatched sneakers. You're awful. Yes, I said it... awful.

Back at the Erik Estradas Marty has an announcement to make. He whips out the Immunity Idol spins it around his finger and says, "Lookie what I found suckers." I may have paraphrased that a bit, but that's not what's important here. What's important here is that Marty is acting like he's the one who had the smarts to unearth the Idol all by himself when, in fact, it was Jill. Had Jill not told Marty precisely where the Idol was, Marty would still be out on that beach digging holes like the fat kid in Stand By Me did when he was looking for his penny jar. So while Marty gets fawned over by Sasquatch (Jimmy T.) and everyone stares at him in awe, Jill sits in silence watching her evil plan play out? I mean, she has to be up to something right? There's a plan so sinister living in her bowels that even my feeble mind can't figure it out right? She's the unsuspecting puppet master, the Wizard behind the curtain, the mild mannered housewife who'll one day pull off the biggest diamond heist known to man, right? Like Bonnie Tyler, I just want a hero. Can Jill be that hero? God, she'd be perfect. No one would ever suspect she's pulling the strings and controlling everyone's thoughts. Soccer mom hair, awkward pale skin... hell, she probably even cooks in crock pots. Jill, are you the one I'm looking for? Are you my hero? Just wink or pull your ear lobe or something. I won't tell anyone you're a secret member of the Talamasca and Opus Dei. I swear I won't. Cross my heart and hope to die.

Now we arrive at the big Immunity Challenge. Little Flowers didn't do that hip-hop number I requested last week and I'm not the least bit happy about it. I rolled up one pant leg and turned my hat sideways in preparation for that shit. Damn bastards let me down. Could it be that Shannon was the choreographer extraordinaire? Yeah right. OK so tribes have to race out into a field to collect ten tribe colored barrels. The barrels then have to be placed on individual platforms where one person from each tribe will throw sand bags on the barrels. First tribe to get a bag on each of the barrels wins Immunity and Reward. The Reward is a collection of spices, fruit, and a sustainable herb garden. The Little Flowers decide not to use their Medallion Of Power so survivors ready... GO!

Both tribes burst forth and begin rolling their barrels back with gusto. The Little Flowers waste no time getting their barrels on the platforms and ready for bag tossing. The Erik Estradas, on the other hand, are trying as hard as they can, but coronaries are likely and I think I saw a gall bladder on the ground, but I can't be sure. Mafia Dan is in bad shape as he merely touches a barrel here and there with his finger as he limps by. I swear I saw him eyeing Hop Along Kelly's leg. I'll bet that thing doesn't have swollen veins and a touch of the arthritis, does it Dan?

Both teams start tossing sand bags and it's T-Bone Tyrone for the Erik Estradas and boring tweeter Benry for the Little Flowers. Seriously, I'm thisclose to unfollowing him on Twitter. Call me crazy, but if I was on Survivor I'd be tweeting all sorts of crazy reactions and shooting the shit with my fans. Then again, does Benry have any fans? Doubt it. OK so the tossing begins and for the few first rounds it stays tied. Then, Benry starts screwing up just like he did in the wooden plank bouncing challenge. Conversely, T-Bone is kicking ass and taking names. He lands bag after bag with Sasquatch and his teeth on the sidelines as his biggest supporter.

Then, T-Bone starts to miss. Sasquatch puts his helmet on and runs to Jimmy J. "Coach! Coach! Put me in! I can do this!", he whines. Jimmy J. ignores him and Sasquatch is not pleased so he tries a different approach. "You're wasting me. You know, you're wasting me.", he whispers. Jimmy J. gets the go ahead in his headphones and he decides to bench T-Bone for Sasquatch. Sasquatch lands one bag, misses the rest, and LITTLE FLOWERS WINS IMMUNITY!!!

The Little Flowers begin gathering up their reward with Hop Along Kelly and Nanook carrying the fruit basket. Both girls saw the Immunity Idol clue hidden underneath the fruit so it was only a matter of time until things turned ugly. They carry the fruit basket back to camp each holding one side. The tension was building in the air as Nanook began planning her attack. The entire trip back to camp was filled with her looking over her shoulder with one eye and watching Hop Along's hands with the other. I fully expected to see Nanook pull a shank made of whittled down tree bark and molten leaves out of her "you know what". Instead she played ruthless. Oh it was prison rules alright, but it was blunt force in your face prison rules. That bitch Nanook straight up elbowed Hop Along in the ribs, pushed her down, squished every single banana beyond recognition, and then sauntered off with the Idol clue in her grubby little hands. Funny thing about it is, you know her heart was beating in her chest so loud it was probably deafening. You know deep down she knew what she did was fucked up and humiliating. Bitch may have the Idol clue now, but does she really think anyone in that tribe is going to want to keep her around after that stunt she just pulled? Hell no! Grabbing that clue like a rabid gutter rat didn't ensure her safety, it put her at the top of the damn list to go home!

While Nanook sat in a tree throwing her hands around trying to tell us that's a million dollar piece of paper she just scrounged on the ground for (Uh, idiot, no, it's not. Lucifer had like 25 Idols and never won), Jughead scratched his head and said, "There was a piece of paper?" Oh Jughead. I think it's past your nap time.

The best part of Nanook the Numbskull stealing the clue is that bitch is too stupid to even figure out what the hell it means. Keep in mind, this is the second clue for the Little Flowers side which means it should be even more detailed and more descript than the one Alina and Hop Along found. Speaking of Alina, I need a name for her. She's kinda quiet and observant, yet you know she'll gobble you up and spit you out when you least expect it. She's stealthy, you don't always see her coming, and I'm sure, if Nanook decides to slice and dice her one day, she'd make a very handsome pair of shoes. Therefore, I'm calling Alina *drum roll* Alligator Lady. If one day down the road she turns on Hop Along and chomps off one of her arms or her other leg or something, you'll learn to appreciate the name and recognize the poetic genius I possess.

OK so Nanook and Ninja Warrior (Brenda) are in the woods trying to figure out the Idol clue. $20 says Nanook thinks the Idol is Hop Along's leg. Can't you just imagine it? Nanook will be at Tribal Council and Dimples will ask if anyone wants to play the Immunity Idol. Nanook will smack her lips and shift her neck all crazy like as she drags Hop Along kicking and screaming across the Tribal Council area. She'll say, "Ummm Jeff, this here leg is the Idol. I ain't no fool. I'm Nanook!" and then she'll pound on her chest and flash a gang sign or some shit like that. Meanwhile, poor Hop Along's hair will have caught fire and Kelly will be nothing but a pile of ash and titanium. Tragic.

Over at the Erik Estradas their loss is affecting morale and making Sasquatch crazier than usual. Instead of cursing Jimmy J. behind his back, Sasquatch now wants Coach to evaluate this talents and perhaps move him up to the starting line. What the fuck are you talking about Sasquatch? You have no talent! You sit around with your teeth and your hair and you bitch and moan about how you're not being appreciated. How about you get off your ass, stop seeking everyone else's approval, and do something with your self? Preferably something that doesn't include howling at the moon. Jesus Christ, this guy infuriates me. I look at him and I wonder if he arrived before or after Cro Magnon man. Perhaps he's paleolithic. I have no freaking clue. What I do know is that this isn't some imaginary football game and he's not the star quarterback being benched because the coach has it out for him. Look Sasquatch, you and Jughead need to join forces create a magical mythical world of fire breathing dragons and post haste fry up both Nanook and Crazy Pants. Please and thank you.

Sasquatch kept grunting for quite a while as everyone in the tribe pretty much ignored him and went about their own business.... everyone but Marty. Marty is thrilled Sasquatch is calling out Jimmy J. because it plays perfectly into his plan of ousting Jimmy J. at Tribal. The wheels are in motion now and Marty gets to work. He one by one pulls the Erik Estradas aside whispering that Jimmy J. has got to go. Marty claims he wants the weakest out, but that's not true at all. Mafia Dan is sitting on a bed of branches with his intestines eeking out of his navel, his knee the color of a papaya pulsating enough to trigger a richter scale somewhere, and a horrible case of Mange on his back. If anyone is the weakest, it's Dan. Sure, Jimmy J. is weak, but at least he offers up some words of wisdom and gets everyone pumped before the challenges. Mark my words, without Jimmy J. this tribe is going to crumble.

Jill, the secret C.I.A. agent, tells Marty that in her mind Dan, Jimmy J., and Crazy Pants are all interchangable. They're all weak so she doesn't really care who should go first. Marty disagrees and moves on to convince someone else. When he gets to T-Bone Tyrone, Marty finds some opposition. T-Bone wants to play with the team, but he can't in good conscience vote out Jimmy J. when you've got Dan in a corner wincing in pain from kidney stones. In response, Marty gets mad at T-Bone and tells us T-Bone isn't playing wisely. Personally, I think Marty just wants air time. He's that type of guy. He's got a touch of the Richard Hatch in him and I think being known as a Survivor villiain is something he aspires to.

This brings us to Tribal Council. Again, Sasquatch begins bitching about not getting enough playing time. Dude, were you the second string in high school or something? Did no one pick you to play kick ball? Get over it! You're old and curmudgeonly. Are you like one of those anorexic girls who looks in the mirror and thinks she's fat? Maybe you look in the mirror and see a strapping young college age guy full of brawn and testosterone. I don't know what's going on with you Sasquatch, but you're not "all that". Maybe you're mad that as a commercial fisherman you're not pulling your weight fish wise. After all, it's the more superior Jimmy who's bringing in the seafood, isn't it?

There's a lot of jealousy going on in the Erik Estradas that would be more appropriate in a sorority house than amongst some old cranky men with bad hair. Marty, Dan, and Sasquatch are like the Mean Girls who just want their chance in their limelight. It's all so silly. So, Dimples asks them all who's the weakest on the tribe and Dan, lying on a gurney, says "Not me. Can I have another hit of morphine when you get a chance?" Ridiculous.

We all know how this ends, Jimmy Johnson is the third person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua and I'm not sure I'm too thrilled about it. So, what do you guys think? Should Jimmy have gone home? Will Nanook cut a bitch before the show ends? Can Allligator Lady and Hop Along get their acts together and decipher their clue before Nanook and Ninja Warrior figure out theirs? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!