Thursday, October 7, 2010

Delusions Of Grandeur

The Sasquatch. A giant lurch of a man with knuckles that graze the ground every time he takes a step and eyebrows that would make Andy Rooney jealous is not human. No, dear readers, he's half man, half dude that lives in the Matterhorn ride at Disneyland. As a little girl growing up in California, my mother would take me on the Matterhorn several times a year. It was a ride I all at once hated and adored. My tiny heart would beat like it was going to explode inside my chest as the tram click click clicked it's way up the first hill. Once inside the giant mountain, a frigid chill would fill the air as I was whipped to and fro squealing in delight. Then, without warning, around the final turn a giant hairy yeti-like creature with beady red eyes, snaggled teeth, and a look on it's face that said he hadn't eaten for months would scare the bejesus out of me. I'd frantically cover my face with my small hands and wish over and over that he'd just go away and leave me alone. I often pull the same maneuver today when trying to get out of a relationship, but I digress. That giant beast scared me as a child and he scares me now. That was years ago, but clearly he found a mate at some point in time and the poor unfortunate woman kept chained up in the basement of the Matterhorn one day actually gave birth to a thing. As a matter of fact, this thing is very similar to Rosemary's Baby. He's Sasquatch and he's invaded my CBS programming for way too long. Let's recap, shall we?

We begin in the thick of night. The sky cried thick salty tears as the Erik Estradas (Espada) mourned the loss of the only leader they've ever known, Jimmy Johnson. Off in a corner, waving his nose hairs away from his mouth, Sasquatch (Jimmy T.) lurches and burbles about how they're better off now. With a rodent in one hand and a twig in the other, the Sasquatch begins to sing. One would expect him to sing low and deep in the voice of his giant follically abundant ancestors, but no. Instead, he closed his eyes and screeched out awkward words about smog and crazy people. Seriously, I'm not making that up. I watch TV with the closed-captioning turned on and Sasquatch literally sang about a crazy man in the smog. Could it be his father he was singing about? I vaguely remember there being a fine mist at Disneyland, but I'm not sure it could technically be called "smog". No matter. Sasquatch is a buffoon starving for attention. He wanted it from Jimmy J. ("Coach, put me in! Put me in!") and now he wants it from his remaining tribe members. You know those awkward people in life who say shit just to get a reaction and when they don't get it, they stare at you seeking some kind of approval? If you ignore them long enough, they'll eventually trudge away with their tail betwen their legs. I'm thinking this is what the Erik Estradas are trying to do - ignore Sasquatch and hopefully, one day down the road, he'll get the hint and shut the fuck up.

As dawn breaks we discover the sky's angry tears have wreaked havoc on the Erik Estrada's little camp. The beach is no more, the fish are hidden underneath thick muddy water, and even the monkey's in their fruit tree are gone. Crazy Pants (Holly) wanders the fragile shore with her life coach clam shell on her shoulder. Together they rummage through the debris that was once their sacred beach and in unison they chant, "Crazy! Crazy!" A lone pelican wades in the muck as Jungle Jane wonders if, seasoned right, Mafia Dan's burnt and crusty shoe wouldn't make a deliciously scrumptious "Filet of Sole". Sasquatch, on the other hand, sees the devastation as an opportunity. He looks to the pelican for guidance - why he didn't look to him as breakfast is beyond me - and decides that in order to survive they must take inspiration from Pelly (that's what I named the Pelican - "Pelly") and copy his fishing ways. Crazy Pants agrees. If Pelly can do it, so can she! So, off Crazy Pants went to stick her face repeatedly into the brown poo-looking water.

With Crazy Pants safely occupied, the rest of the tribe decides to try out the fishing net. Sasquatch gets to it first and sees this as his opportunity to once and for all prove what a giant mistake of nature he is. He tosses it on a pile of sand, he tosses it on a pile of logs... hell, he even tosses it over Jungle Jane. Sasquatch may be large in stature, but a lifestyle of bitching and moaning have atrophied his muscles and his tossing skills aren't exactly up to par. After the tribe wrestles Jane free from the net, they sigh, kick the sand, and realize they've made a horrible horrible mistake. They should have kept Jimmy J.. The only thing this Sasquatch person is in danger of snaring in his net is a big hunk of air and maybe another innocent member of his tribe. Wait a tic... isn't this guy a commercial fisherman? He like catches fish for a living, right? Why am I envisioning him walking into pet stores, plunging his meaty paws into fish tank after fish tank, and saying to no one in particular, "Look what I caught!"? Commercial fisherman my ass!

Over at the Little Flowers (La Flor), that atrocity from the bowels of hell, Nanook (NaOnka), is gloating over what a good night sleep she got. "Oh, did it rain?", she says. "I had no idea. I was too busy dreaming of gnawing on Hop Along Kelly's other leg for breakfast." Then she picked her nose and ate it. At least, I think that's what she did. After her breakfast of boogers and vitriol, Nanook and Ninja Warrior (Brenda) take a stab at figuring out the Immunity Idol clue. Ninja Warrior decides it must be somewhere near Tree Mail. She talks in a hushed voice so as not to disturb Alligator Lady (Alina) lying in wait a few yards away. Alligators are known for their spontaneous "death rolls" where they spin and convulse wildly taking giant chunks out of their unsuspecting victims. Ninja Warrior, being from Florida, is all too familiar with what Alligator Lady is capable of so she tiptoes gingerly into the brush with Nanook hot on her heels. Because Nanook is such an ignorant waste of cells and flesh, Ninja Warrior figures out the clue and takes Nanook to the exact spot it's buried in. After Ninja Warrior unearths the Idol, Nanook grabs it and tells us, "It's mine, it's mine, it's mine. It doesn't belong to anyone else." Who the hell do you think you are Nanook? Veruca Salt?

On the beach Alligator Lady and Hop Along Kelly sit in quiet disdain. They hate Nanook just as much as I do and having to look at her daily snarls is enough to put anyone in a bad mood. The Alligator is furious Nanook tackled a girl with one leg so she grabs Hop Along and they decide to try find the Idol on their own. Nanook, doing what trash does best, lingers and festers and decides to follow the duo on their hunt for Immunity. Nanook tells us she has nothing to lose, but I beg to differ. Sugar plum, you have everything to lose: respect, dignity, affability... shall I go on? You have the Idol already. Just let the girls search in vain. Laugh from a distance if you have to. Why you feel the need to follow and taunt them is a completely mystery to me. You do realize the second your tribe loses and your Idol is all used up, that you're headed back to the projects, right? You said yourself you're from South Central. Go back to your concrete jungle because this South American one has had just about enough of you.

Over at the Erik Estradas, it's a very different atmosphere. They're trying to boost morale and get their tribe back on track. Sure, they haven't eaten and Sasquatch earlier in the day snared Yve in his net and still hasn't figured out a way to get her out, but they're going to push forward and fight as hard as they can for immunity. They discuss possible leaders to replace Jimmy Johnson and Sasquatch does that thing Donkey did in Shrek. He jumps up and down and shouts, "Ohhhh pick me! Pick me! Pick me!" Marty takes one look at him and says, "I nominate Tyrone." Sasquatch twitches in the corner and mumbles something about being a natural born leader. Look Sasquatch, you're a freak of nature and a "leader" that does not make. Furthermore, stealing goldfish from carnival bowls does not make you a commercial fisherman. Just shut up and do what you're told. You're a walking disaster and no one likes you - except maybe the fish you never catch who go on to lead long fruitful lives.

The Erik Estradas wake up the next morning to discover tree mail and a message implying they'll be be blindfolded for the next challenge. Jill suggests they all practice being guided by Tryone while blindfolded. The tribe pats her on the back, carries her on their shoulders, and throws her a parade for her genius suggestion. Sasquatch, witnessing this, says, "Directions, eyes, fish, practice - I'm a leader! - get used to. We should." The tribe pauses in confusion and scratches their heads. Marty nods and Sasquatch is pleased. He contributed! He did something worthwhile! See? He's better than that Jimmy Johnson any day of the week.


Now we arrive at the big Immunity Challenge where tribes will indeed be blindfolded with one person calling out instructions. The caller will guide pairs to retrieve 10 objects scattered in a field. After all 10 items are retrieved, one pair will be guided to a set of keys that will unlock a chest. First tribe to get the chest and all ten items back to the start will not only win Immunity but Reward. The Reward is a product placement shmorgishborg of delights from Sears. In addition, if the Little Flowers chooses to use their Medallion of Power, they will begin to 2 items already collected. The Little Flowers decide to go ahead and use their power and... Survivors ready, GO!

With Tyrone calling for the old people and Ninja Warrior calling for the younger people, the challenge begins and very quickly the Little Flowers grab like 18 items. Conversely, the Erik Estradas are falling over logs and breaking hips. Tyrone's guidance isn't exactly bad or anything. It's just that he's very measured and only focusing on one pair at a time. It also doesn't help that Sasquatch is out in the field yelling out his own instructions to whomever will listen. Tyrone shouts, "Marty move left 15 paces!" Sasquatch would mumble, "I should be the leader! I can do this better than anyone!" Look Sasquatch, I realize your dad was a big hairy monster who probably didn't hug you enough as a child, but this is getting a little ridiculous. In the interest of time because my back is fucking killing me and I've got a Vicodin tree to hunt down (I think Sasquatch and Nanook cursed me last night), LITTLE FLOWERS WINS IMMUNITY AND REWARD!!!

Back at the tribe where people go to die, Dan is telling everyone he's not a "mudder". That daggone knee of his only works on pavement so any challenges that contain dirt, mud, sand, and anything Nicaragua has to offer could be a problem for him. T-Bone Tyrone chimes in and says the Medallion Of Power is what killed them in the challenge. Sasquatch scratches his gruff, whips his resume out of his back pocket and says, "I need some action. I've coached basketball teams. I inspire children. I once stole a goldfish THIS BIG. I'm a natural born doofus... err I mean leader, and I'd like to lead this tribe in some challenges. You can call any of my references. Walt Disney was a great friend of the family. I think he's frozen somewhere, but I'm sure he'll vouch for my dad. Just put me in and let me lead this tribe to victory." Dan Dan the Mafia Man then takes a 9mm out his shorts and shoots not only himself, but the entire tribe in the head. Finally, peace.

Over at Little Flowers, guess what time it is? It's high-fiving time! I've missed high-fiving time and dancing time and Norma's teeth time and, especially, Jughead's talking to the guppies time. I want my Little Flowers fanciful and full of laughs. Instead I got a whole minute devoted to Sears and how much they rock. While the Little Flowers were busy reading their Sears scripts, Chase - another godforesaken boring tweeter - discovers a clue for the Immunity Idol in the tackle box. He shoves it down his shorts so no one can see and gets very aroused at the promise of exciting things to come. He takes his paramour, Ninja Warrior, into the woods and with his pimp hand strong, he tells her he's found the clue to the hidden Immunity Idol all by himself. He was batting his eyelashes, adjusting his baseball cap just so, and teasing Ninja Warrior with the prize in his pants. After his dance of seduction, Ninja Warrior took out a big shiny needle and popped all of Chase's hopes and dreams as she reveals that not only has the Idol already been found, but she was there when it was found. Chase dies a little inside as he slowly begins to realize that his romantic interlude isn't happening and he has to be nice to Nanook now. Oh fiddlesticks!

Back at the Erik Estradas, a group of tribe members are searching amongst the rocks for sea urchins to eat. Jill finds a handful, T-Bone uncovers a few, Yve snags one or two, and Sasquatch systematically goes to each person and places the urchins in his back of tricks. He thinks that if he has all the urchins in his bag, that everyone will think he found them and he'll finally be the hero of the tribe he always wanted to be. Marty, fully aware of Sasquatch's slight of hand tricks, decides to sit himself on the rocks and just eat urchin after urchin right then and there. Why let Sasquatch get all the glory for being an urchin stealer? It's kind of like stealing gold fish out of a bowl and calling yourself a commercial fisherman, right?

So, the big question is which elder should go back to the nursing home? Dan or Sasquatch? Dan is weak and his knee is hanging on by thread and fishing line while Sasquatch is a giant mosquito buzzing and nipping at your ear for days on end. I don't know about you, but I violently kill anything buzzing at my ear. I'll grab a September issue of Vogue or maybe an Encyclopedia Brittanica and smash the hell out of that bitch until it's an oogey gooey mess on my wall. Then, I'll take some 409, gag a little, and wipe the goop away. Sometimes a violent Vogue killing is the only way to get some peace around here. We can shoot the lame horse (Dan) next week, it's time for Sasquatch to go NOW.

This brings us to Tribal Council where that mosquito just buzzed and buzzed and got on everyone's nerve. After a very close vote - too close for my taste - Sasquatch is the fourth person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua. I'm really sorry this is so short (and angry - I just reread this and I sound super pissed off. LOL) today guys, but I seriously did throw my back out yesterday trying to lift a box the size of Sasquatch. My poor little fragile bones squealed in rebellion and every single muscle in my back just kind of threw it's hands in the air and said, "I give up!". Worse still, I have to pack and drive quite a distance today so if you see a little blonde girl crying behind the wheel of her car, that's me. Feel free to stop and throw some powerful drugs into my window. I'll thank you later with a sloppy tongue kiss and an ass grope. I'll be back to my delightful self next week. Promise.

So, what did you think of last night's episode? Did the right elder go home? Does Hop Along have any chance whatsoever of leaving Nicaragua with her leg still intact? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!