Thursday, October 14, 2010

Drop Your Buffs



There are two things in life that I absolutely despise: My Little Pony's and quitters on reality shows. My Little Pony's aren't ponies at all and it infuriates me to the point of, well, to the point of wanting to skin a live pony just for the hell of it. A few months ago my precious niece came up to me with her big long-lashed eyes and asked, "Why don't I have a pony?". I looked at her with complete understanding and replied, "You're right. Why don't you have a pony? I'll go get you one right now." She was happy. I was happy. The whole damn world was happy in that moment so I marched my ass over to Toys 'R Us and sought out the best My Little Pony money can buy. What I was greeted with weren't ponies at all. They were round-headed chubby cheeked little freaks of nature that looked nothing like the My Little Pony from yesteryear. I spent an hour in that damn pony aisle fretting over whether or not the blue one with the bubbles on its ass was more lifelike than the pink one with the rainbow tail. It was torture and just thinking about it now is driving me to drink. The other thing I hate in life are quitters on reality shows. Look, thousands upon thousands of people vie for very few coveted spots. If you go through the hours of auditions, psych tests, and background checks and actually manage to make it on the show, you don't let someone like Chelsia Hart talk you out of it (yes, she's the reason the 14th BB12 HG didn't pan out) and you don't, no matter what, quit once you've made it to air. You don't think about quitting. You don't talk about quitting. The word "quit", and every derivative thereof, should be wiped away from your vocabulary forever. Whenever I see someone on a reality show wanting to quit I instantly think of a thief that should go to jail. That person, plain and simple, stole a spot from someone else and they should go to Reality TV jail where a large shirtless sweaty man in a hood and black leather gloves smacks a well worn baton in his hands over and over again outside your cell. Quitting or even thinking about it is a crime and it must be punished. Let's recap, shall we?

We begin under the cover of night. With a smattering of stars in the sky and an unfamiliar howl in the distance, the Erik Estradas (Espada) return to camp after sending that Matterhorn descendant, Sasquatch (Jimmy T.), back to his cave in New England. The seniors consult their day planner and quietly get back to the routine that keeps them regular. You see, old people need reliability (and Metamucil) or else Early Bird specials could be missed and weeks could go by without a bowel movement. Marty, the self-appointed king of the Erik Estradas, announces that it's fire building time and the good little Estradas, save one, go about gathering up their firewood. The rogue Erik Estrada is the one and only Crazy Pants (Holly). Instead of searching for driftwood, she's crouched behind a bush talking to her Life Coach Clam Shell. "Clammy," she says. "Why did Sasquatch go home? I thought Dan was going home." Life Coach Clam Shell stared back in stony silence and in that moment Crazy Pants knew... she just knew that some how, some way, everything was going to be ok. She covered her mouth as she giggled, kissed Clammy on the forehead, plopped him in her pocket, and skipped back into camp. That night in her bed of moss and sand she had dreams. Wild beautiful colorful dreams full of promise and Ativan. She awoke the next morning to a new day, a new dawn, and she was feeling soooooo good.


Over at Little Flowers (La Flor), Nanook (NaOnka) is bright eyed and bushy tailed. She's awoken with not only a new outlook on life, but a whole new bright and shiny personality. We'll call personality #2, LaLooney. I don't know how LaLooney materialized or where she came from, but LaLooney is the polar opposite of Nanook. Nanook grumbles in a corner with her huge gums over how prosthetic legs are the new terror threat while LaLooney smiles and gently runs her fingers through her hair. You see, LaLooney just got back from the salon where girlfriend got her hair did, her shoes shined, and a whole new wardrobe. LaLooney is a pleasure. Nanook is a nightmare. LaLooney is sensitive and thinks only positive thoughts. Nanook is selfish and plots the bombing of medical equipment suppliers. The two couldn't be more different and I was at once intrigued and confused. Does LaLooney know Nanook has the Idol? Do they communicate with one another like in the Three Faces Of Eve or is it more like Sybil where they have no idea what the other one did last night? All I know is that I must get to the bottom of this.


Before I had a chance to get to know LaLooney better and figure out what triggered her presence, the tribes were summoned to Dimples' corner of the island. There he stood with his Mario Lopez cheeks and a little league baseball cap on his head. A quick note to Dimples: Cool it with the baseball caps. We want McDreamy hair and nothing more. Thank you.

The tribe members stood on the beach pumped for a new challenge and with three little words Dimples destroys each and every one of their souls. "Drop your buffs!", he demands. Jughead (Jud) dropped his trousers, Crazy Pants gently patted Life Coach Clam Shell in her pocket, and LaLooney retreated back inside the cobwebby caverns of Nanook's brain. All were stunned and few were pleased. Dimples, and perhaps myself, were the only ones with shit eating grins on our faces. Dimples lives for these moments. I'm pretty sure in a former life he was a repo man or one of those people who locks evictees out of their homes while their belongings line the sidewalk and children scream out of fear. He's sadistic and I love him.

While the tribes were still in shock, Dimples tells them to pick stones out of a bag. The people who pick the colored stones are the Captains and get to pick the new members of their tribes. Wouldn't you know it? That damn clam shell is magical! Crazy Pants is the captain for the Erik Estradas and Ninja Warrior (Brenda) is the captain for the Little Flowers. Crazy Pants gets to pick 4 people from the younger tribe while Ninja Warrior gets to pick 3 people from the older tribe. Crazy Pants picks Alligator Lady (Alina), Benry, Chase, and Nanook. Ninja Warrior picks Jungle Jane, Jill, and Marty. Furthermore, the Medallion Of Power is no more. Yve hurls it at Dimples' head and with hands on her hips she mutters, "Hijo de puta." LaLooney then makes a brief appearance saying she misses her family while Marty and his spiky hair says he's just thrilled to finally be on a winning tribe. Ok, let's get to the challenge.

The challenge is for Reward where two members from each tribe will throw a ball down a wall that will bounce and cavort in all sorts of directions. Two members from the opposing tribe will be waiting at the bottom of the wall to catch the balls. The first tribe to catch three balls without dropping them wins two chickens and one rooster. Jungle Jane gets a huge smile on her face, dances the cabbage patch, and shouts, "Wring that neck off that chicken!" Love. I have nothing but pure love for that woman.


Survivors ready, GO! Benry and Chase start off catching for Erik Estradas while Norma (Sash) and Marty catch for the Little Flowers. The balls come flying and it's a lot like that Price Is Right game Plinko. One second they're going right and the next they're going left. It's madness, I tell you, madness. Benry manages to catch one as does Marty. Of course, Marty flourishes his catch with a backwards somersault. All part of his evil plan to prove himself worthwhile to his new tribe I guess. Norma drops a Plinko (he should have tried to catch it with his teeth instead) and it's on to the next round. T-Bone Tyrone and Alligator Lady are catching for the Estradas while Jughead and Jill are catching for the Little Flowers. Alligator Lady gobbles up a ball as does T-Bone. Meanwhile back at the asylum, Crazy Pants can't even get the damn balls over the wall. Finally she gets one over, T-Bone drops it, and we're onto round 3.

With the teams tied, the game is tense. Legless or ageless, it doesn't matter, this is a game for everyone. Price is Right is like that though. They have to be able to accommodate all walks of life. Marty continues to catch only now he's not sticking his somersaults anymore and the balls, they go a'flying. Seriously, rewatching this footage right now, it's the bells and whistles he's trying to add onto to each catch that really screwed him up. Marty's a showboater. He likes attention and he likes to be in charge. I wanted to like Marty. I really did. While Bonnie Tyler was looking for a hero, I was looking for a villain. I thought Marty could be that villain. Now, I'm not so sure. In the end because Marty couldn't stick his roundoff back handspring, ERIK ESTRADAS WIN REWARD!!!

Back at their camp with the chickens in tow, the new Little Flowers who are now Erik Estradas (I know, it's confusing) introduce high fiving to the old people and everyone seems happy getting to know each other. Names are exchanged, packs are set down, and off on a rock somewhere T-Bone sits conflicted. He genuinely thought the original Erik Estradas were a smooth running machine with no place to go but up, but now he's got these strangers to deal with and let march all over his lawn. However, on the plus side, two of the strangers are young girls in bikinis. Tyrone may be old, but he's not dead. He knows a little stimulation when he sees it. Although I kind of have to wonder if his eyes are ok because one of those gals is Nanook and she's a busted up mess of horrendousness.


Invigorated by the new ladies and Marty's absence, T-Bone comes down from his rock and proceeds to give the new arrivals the grand tour. "This is where we take our geritol. Over here is where we attend needlepoint class. Every hour on the hour, when we urinate, we always bring back some firewood. Murder, She Wrote comes on at three and that's when we have our prune juice. And, if you'll notice over here we've fashioned replicas of our grandchildren out of monkey bones and avocado leaves. Please make yourself at home, but remember that at five sharp we like to do some water aerobics if weather permits." The newbies look at each other and roll their eyes. Nanook doesn't exactly appreciate being told what to do. LaLooney might, but Nanook sure doesn't. Crazy Pants, on the other hand, is just thrilled to have some new friends to talk to. She tells Chase and Alligator Lady that they remind her of her children back in South Dakota. Poor lifeless souls robbed of a childhood because their "eccentric" mother had a pet lamp and talked to the neighborhood fire hydrants. Run Chase and Alina, run!

Out on the beach, guess who's baaaaack? It's LaLooney! LaLooney is feeling the sand between her toes and reflecting on the last Eckhart Tolle book when Crazy Pants approaches and grabs LaLooney for a walk. Crazy Pants is talking up a storm about how clams can be trusted and snails can't. LaLooney smiles serenely and tells her, "I love your energy." Crazy Pants nods, smiles to herself, and says, "I know." She's so much in Crazy Pants heaven right now. You'd think there were bars on the windows or something. Alligator Lady, watching closely like alligators do, approaches and the three women, in a roundabout way, create an unofficial nonalliance. They hint about being on the outs with their last tribes and declare how much happier they are now, but not one technically utters the word "alliance". As if things couldn't get weirder, LaLooney is delighted to be in Alligator Lady's company. They're a team now and they've got to make it work. I don't know about this... look out A.L. because the second Nanook wakes back up and takes over you could find your head on a stake with flies buzzing around it. Just sayin'.


Over at the Little Flowers camp, a similar "get to know you" thing is going on. Seagulls fly majestically as if to greet the newcomers and Marty, whom I'm now calling Spike (because of his hair), takes a moment to thank the youngins for choosing him to join their tribe. Jughead thought he'd be mad about the infiltration, but in fact he's stoked. Who's Jughead kidding anyway? He can't stay mad at anything. It's a scientific fact that if you have butterflies fluttering around your brain, you can't be sad or mad. Isaac Newton or Copernicus proved it. I swear!

So, everyone is smiling and then Marty and Jill begin to ask about what the daily schedule is. They're fully prepared to wake up at 5:30 and do a water run if necessary. Are there cows to milk? Poop to shovel? The Little Flowers can just pencil them in to the work day and they'll find their footing somehow. Ninja Warrior kind of bites her lip in confusion, Hop Along Kelly pretends to adjust her leg, Norma mimes a teeth buffing, and Jughead hesitantly peers through his lovely blonde locks. Inside they're each thinking, "What language are these people talking? What do they mean when they say "work"?" Finally, after an awkward silence, Ninja Warrior says, "Ummm we just like to keep it chill." Jungle Jane breaks out her Lambada moves this time and declares, "I lahk these kids! Yeehaw!" Something tells me Jungle Jane is a total stoner. Yo Jane, holla at your girl. I'm not really a toker, but I'd love to just sit and watch you in action. Thanks babe. Jungle Jane is beside herself and it's like she just got a B12 shot or something. She's got a spring her step, she's making new friends, and she's outta that death trap hellhole that was her former tribe. She wastes no time telling Ninja Warrior and Hop Along Kelly that Shady Pines was a sweatshop where they, get this, drink tea. Oh, the horror! Ninja and Hop Along gasp, Jungle Jane laughs calling Marty and Jill ticks, and at home I wrote in my notes, "I LOVE this lady!."


Back in the camp, Jughead is telling the Tale Of The One Legged Beat Down. He's telling Spike (Marty) how Nanook pushed Hop Along and ran off with the Immunity Idol clue. Spike is horrified. He can't believe an entire tribe would sit back and let something like that happen. Spike tells Jughead an offense like that is the ultimate tribal sin that shouldn't go unpunished. Jughead shrugs his shoulders and says, "I guess we don't know what we're doing." Spike gets a twinkle in his eye and sees his opening for total tribal domination. These idiots clearly can't govern themselves so he proceeds to school them on how an act so heinous on Hop Along should be viewed like a "cancer" and not ignored. He adjusts his cassock, tightens the white collar around his neck, and tells the children that not only has he never had to lie in this game, but, here look, he also has the Immunity Idol. He hangs it on a tree for everyone to ooh and ahhh. Really it was a preemptive strike to Jungle Jane's tattling, but in theory it was supposed to gain the new people's trust. The young folk may be lazy, but they're not stupid. Ninja Warrior is unimpressed and confides in us what an arrogant asshole she thinks Spike is.

Over at the Erik Estradas, we're now introduced to a new tribe member. Her name is Sadtonka and she's a member of Nanook's inner turmoil. While Nanook is an uber c*nt and LaLooney is a pleasurable delight, Sadtonka is a snivelling cry baby lithium deprived annoyance. OK so it just so happens that the weather's not all that great right now and it's raining. The Erik Estradas stood strong, found it mildly annoying, and went on with their lives. Hell, it was raining when I woke up this morning. You know what I did? I let the dogs out, told them not to get too wet, and made myself a cup of gin. No biggie. Sadtonka, on the other hand, sat wrapped in a damp blanket rocking back and forth and weeping with snot leaking out her nose. Sadtonka is wet and now she wants to quit. She burbles and hiccups, "I want to go hoooooome." while Alligator Lady watches in silence secretly pleased that this new personality has come to visit. It's no secret Alligator Lady hates Nanook and all 35 of her personalities. Let's not get it twisted now. Last week Nanook pushed over a disabled gal while talking about burning her prosthetic leg. This crap that Sadtonka is pulling right now with the shaking and crying is music, fucking music I tell you, to Alligator Lady's ears. I'm still stunned how Alina managed to keep a straight face cuz this bitch (me) would have been off in a corner drinking margaritas and having limbo contests while pointing and laughing.

Sadtonka cries for her lost tarp, the wind, and for wanting to quit. She weeps to Chase about how she wants to leave. In response, Chase chokes back tears while he tells a touching story about his dad appearing to him through a storm as a rainbow. As someone who recently lost her father, I can't make fun of that. It did however anger me that Sadtonka was simply crying out of discomfort while Chase was crying out of real genuine sadness. It was a ridiculous scene that made me uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because Nanook, LaLooney, and Sadtonka are all fucking phony psychos who need to get off my favorite show already!


Now we arrive at one of the best challenges ever in the history of Survivor - it's up there with the one where the spindly guy was smashed into tree trunks repeatedly. I'm going to go ahead and call this challenge the Medieval Torture Challenge. I once went to the London Dungeon (a torture museum in London) and I swear I saw this challenge in there right next to the Jack The Ripper exhibit. Here's how it works: Three tribe members are strapped to a spinning wheel that goes underwater for a period of time. While underwater, the person has to take a big gulp of water and spit it into a bowl that feeds a tube. When the tube is filled, a ball will be released, and then two more tribe members have to smash tiles. First team to smash all their tiles wins.

On the wheel for the Little Flowers is Hop Along Kelly, Insignificant Kelly, and Ninja Warrior. On the wheel for the Erik Estradas is Alligator Lady, Crazy Pants, and Yve. Survivors ready, GO! That wheel started turning and I immediately started laughing my ass off. Sister #2 and I were looking at each other saying, "Is this for real?!" And then... and THEN... the spitting started. That was it for me. I was clutching my sides, kicking my feet in the air, screaming "More more! This is THE BEST!" The Little Flowers were spinning their wheels so fast the girls could hardly gulp water let alone spit it. Conversely, the Erik Estradas were spinning so slow I feared possible drowning. It was heaven. Poor Hop Along's leg started to rust while Crazy Pants felt right at home. Remember she's a swimmer and with Life Coach Clam Shell nestled in her bathing suit, this is Crazy Pants week to shine.

The Erik Estradas release their ball first and once again, Tyrone is on throwing duty. Has this tribe learned nothing?! Tyrone has lost just about every challenge he's had to throw things in. The Little Flowers eventually get their ball released as well and Jungle Jane is a throwing fiend. I'm thinking she imagined those tiles being the faces of her old tribe members. Whatever she was thinking, it worked because LITTLE FLOWERS WINS IMMUNITY!!!

Back at the Erik Estradas camp, Sadtonka is back. She's sad and she doesn't want her students to see her sad. Wait a minute, hold up! Students?! What students? Are you telling me Nanook is in charge of educating people? Oh hell to the no. Someone tell me this is a cruel joke. Someone get Michelle Rhee on the case or something cuz I'm thinking some more mass firings might be in order. Alright so anyhow, Sadtonka wants to quit and I'm like, "Hooray!" I was also like, "Hmmm maybe she'll give her Idol to Alligator Lady. That'd be cool." While I imagined a world free of Nanook and her cavalry of crazies, the Erik Estradas decide they're hungry and want to kill a chicken. Well, T-Bone says they should wait. Mafia Dan suggests they vote and that's all she wrote. That chicken be dead. Chase killed it and T-Bone sat on his stump shaking his head in disapproval. He cautioned the tribe to respect one another and take even pieces to eat. Then when the meal was done, he stuck his meaty paw into the belly of the chicken and ripped half off for himself. Dude, you idiot! You should have taken the smallest piece and then kept your trap shut.

This brings us to Tribal Council where I wasn't sure if we'd be treated to Nanook, LaLooney, or Sadtonka. All I knew was that this bitch was going home and hopefully one of her personalities had forgotten she had the Idol somewhere on her person. Dimples begins the questioning and T-Bone immediately launches into a speech about insight and wisdom. He embraces his new postition, he's pleased they all want him to be the leader, and he feels he doing a bang up job so far. Alligator Lady smirks to herself and in that moment I got a chill. I felt evil coming from her little nose and mouth. She like a porcelain doll and I'm not 100% sure, but I think she's filled with pepper spray, razor blades, and sulfuric acid. Now, don't get me wrong, that's not exactly a bad thing. I said earlier I was searching for my villain. Well, I think I just found her. Her hair blows in the wind and I swear I hear cackling, don't you? T-Bone continued to prattle on about leadership and turf wars and whatnot, but I sat transfixed by Alligator Lady's little girl voice. What she was saying was seemingly appropriate and not that mean or evil, but all I heard was "Kill your neighbor! Skin a kitty! Kill Kill Kill!!!" It was then that it hit me... Alligator Lady is why Nanook now has 18 personalities! Mystery solved. Awesome.

When I finally regained my composure and made a fetching kitten skin hat, I found Sadtonka rambling on and on about her divorce and how Surivor was worse or some shit like that. Look, it's like I said in my first paragraph - quitting or wanting to quit is completely unacceptable! I don't care about your divorce. I don't care that now you want to play some more. All I care about is that your trifling ass goes home. Well, seriously, when do I ever get my way? Nanook, LaLooney, and Sadtonka are here to stay because T-Bone Tyrone is the fifth person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua.

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Why didn't Dimples ask if anyone wanted to play the Immunity Idol? Is Marty pretty much a goner? Could Crazy Pants actually win this thing? How many more personalities do you think Nanook has? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!