Thursday, October 21, 2010

Lines Have Been Drawn


Today I want to talk about mind control. Advertisers use it to get us to buy their wares, cult leaders use it to distribute Kool-Aid, and child predators use it to groom their next victims. Vampires call it glamouring which makes it sound exotic and romantic. If someone asked me, "Hey, would you like to be glamoured?" I'd be like, "Hell yeah! That sounds hot. Do I get a free mani/pedi with that?" We boring humans call it brainwashing which makes it sound like someone's taking a window scraper to the inside of our skulls. Nevertheless, religions have made millions off of it and I'm pretty sure Tony Robbins' entire career is based on it. I saw Shallow Hal. I know what Banana Hands is capable of. In order to be brainwashed, or glamoured, a mind has to be open, unfettered, innocent, searching, perhaps even full of pretty little butterflies. A fluffy woolen temporal lobe or a brain stem made of pixie dust is a bonus to the most adept and cunning of predators. An agile predator, like the Nicaraguan Jaguar, is a stalk-and-ambush kind of a being. He works alone and lurks in the thick lush forest waiting for the most opportune moment to sink his teeth into his prey. Predators, quite literally, destroy lives. They'll chew up our souls with a smile on their faces and then they'll calmly kick back and pick the remnants out of their teeth with a switchblade. Scary. Cruel. Ruthless. These are all names we can assign to any number of predators, but today, dear readers, I'm assigning another... Spike. *shivers* Let's recap, shall we?



We begin our tale with a menacing sky looming over the Erik Estrada's (Espada) camp. Black clouds tumbled in offshore, seagulls cawed menacingly, and one lone man stood on the beach watching it all materialize. With his knee held together with dental floss and twine, he watched as the sky grew angry and the waves crashed in defiance. I'm reminded of Miranda in The Tempest. She stood on the banks of a raging sea awaiting love, awaiting peace, and probably awaiting a new change of pantaloons or something. She was sick of living in exile and she looked forward to a new life with new possibilities. Weather does that to people sometimes. It made Dorothy see munchkins, Noah save the animals, Wyclef Jean want to run for President, and Mafia Dan.... well, it made Dan want to go home. You see, Dan has Ferraris at home. He also has a dark dingy basement with bloody pliers, cement blocks, and randomly placed bags of oranges, but that's not what's important here. What's important is that Dan lives the good life with homes all over Westchester, cars with VIN numbers scraped off being stored in various trucks around town, and rows upon rows of oddly shiny Italian suits filling his closet. He doesn't need this pesky rain. What he needs is a plate of mozzarella and giant bottle of Chianti. Crazy Pants (Holly), building a sand castle for her Life Coach Clam Shell a few yards away, spies the distant look in Dan's eyes and skips over to him with arms a'waving. "You can't quit", she says out of breath. Then, she danced around him and sprinkled seaweed in his hair. Dan stood confused but Crazy Pants just smiled. "A sprinkling of seaweed never hurt anyone", she thought to herself. OooooK. Whatevs.


Over on another part of the beach, Yve is gathering driftwood and wondering to herself why no one told her Tyrone was going home. As Crazy Pants was done with her Seaweed Dance, she skipped over to Yve to see what was wrong. Crazy Pants, in addition to being able to talk to marine life, has an uncanny abillity to sense when people are sad. If someone somewhere is unhappy, Crazy Pants just knows. Frowns are the enemy and turning those puppies upside down is not only her mission her life, but it's what Life Coach Clam Shell told her to do. So, Yve is walking around looking forlorn and up comes Crazy Pants. Yve was all like, "Why didn't you tell me Tyrone was going home?" and Crazy Pants was like, "You were in an alliance with him." Yve said "No I wasn't." Crazy Pants said, "Oh my bad. Well, Dan wants to quit. His knee is falling off and I think it has gangrene or something." A slow smile crept across Yve's face and she beamed that Crazy Pants had finally given her some information she can use. Like I said last week, quitting reality shows is the 11th commandment. Thou shalt not do it. I know it, you know it, and Yve knows it. She'll take this new information about Dan and his festering knee and she'll put it in her pocket. It just might come in handy later.



Over at the Little Flowers (La Flor) tribe, they have a fire roaring and a shelter that actually keeps them dry. Secret Agent Jill (I'm still convinced she's a goverment operative) and Spike (Marty) sit together musing over just how valuable they really are. They cook, they clean, they wipe snotty noses, and they tuck everyone in at night. Jill doesn't mind playing the mother role. Hell, she did back in '98 in that op in Syria before she killed all the bad guys and dismantled that bomb. Spike, on the other hand, thinks he tumbled right into Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure and I'm not sure I disagree with him. The younger folk are scatterbrained and unfocused, but can you blame them? They come from a world where information is just a click away, where TMZ tells us exactly what the Kardashians are doing at any given time, and where copious amounts of Ritalin are handed out from the first grade. Spike comes from the olden timey days when you had to walk 3 miles barefoot in the snow to school and television only had 4 channels. That's ok though. He'll use it to his advantage. He has patience and wisdom on his side and all he needs now is a willing victim.


The sun tries to peer through the clouds and the Little Flowers begin to come to life. Sure, it's 2 in the afternoon, but they're awake dammit and that's all that matters. Ninja Warrior (Brenda) tells us it may be a new Little Flowers tribe, but it's still young versus old. Except Jungle Jane. Jungle Jane has fit right in with the younger folk and, not only that, she's a hard worker. Ninja Warrior can't stand the sight of Spike so she quietly begins to make her plans. She wants to split the votes between Spike and Jill, flush out the Idol, and get rid of those old fogies once and for all. She's a crafty one, that Ninja Warrior.


Now we arrive at the Immunity Challenge. Dimples clearly didn't get my memo as he's still wearing a goofy baseball cap, but he's also wearing a smirk. A deliciously evil smirk that tells me he's about to crush some more souls. He may be the one-take wonder, but dude can't keep a secret to save his life. Dimples has something up his sleeve alright. This isn't just any Immunity Challenge, it's an INDIVIDUAL Immunity Challenge. Both tribes are going to Tribal Council tonight and, I'm not sure, but I think I saw Dimples shake his booty a little when he revealed this fact to the shocked castaways on the beach.




Tribe members will race out to an individual digging area. They'll then use an awkwardly long oar thing to dig up rope rings. Once the rope ring is uncovered, they have to fling it over their backs and catch it in a little butt bucket strapped around their waists. Call me crazy, but I want a Butt Bucket. It would not only be handy at Farmer's Markets, but big butts are all the rage right now. Throw a skirt over it and you've got junk in your trunk. Hot! Alright, so the first person to get three rope rings in their butt bucket and back to the pole at the Start wins Immunity. The winners will then face off and compete in a ring toss for a big shish kabob feast. Shish Kabobs?! I've been writing about shish kabob's for years! Well, I've been writing about the shish kabob holder thingies that could be used as weapons, but nevertheless... finally - some recognition!


The first tribe up is the Erik Estradas. Survivors ready, go! Mafia Dan tries to slide the ring down the oar and into his butt bucket. Alligator Lady (Alina) juts her hip out to the side a la Shakira and tries to dance the ring in. Crazy Pants, however, is flinging and catching like there's no tomorrow. I'm not going to name any names, but someone (DAN!) needs to put a hit out on Life Coach Clam Shell. That thing is like having Stephen Covey and Deepak Chopra sitting on your shoulders. All it does is whisper positive reinforcements and make things happen. Unfortunately, Dan was too busy tangled up in his rope ring to be of any assistance and CRAZY PANTS WINS IMMUNITY!!!



Next up are the Little Flowers. I'm not going to lie. I'm rooting for Spike and Jill. I like them as a duo. I always have and I'm pretty sure they can overthrow governments together if they really tried. They scare me and fascinate me all at the same time. The best part though, is that their hair matches now. They both have spiky little tendrils of evil poking out of their skulls. Awesome. Ok so, Survivors ready, go! Norma (Matt/Sash) and his teeth catch a ring, Brenda catches a ring, Jughead (Jud - sorry, but I refuse to call him Fabio) catches a ring, and Spike catches a ring. These bitches are hardcore and they're gonna fight to the death. Butts are wiggling, rings are flying, and out of nowhere Jill starts landing ring after ring after ring and SECRET AGENT JILL WINS IMMUNITY!!!


This brings us to the big Shish Kabob Ring Toss. It's a close match with Crazy Pants and Secret Agent scoring one after the other. In the end though, Jill makes a stunning toss and LITTLE FLOWERS WIN SHISH KABOBS!!! Sure, I was thrilled, but I was also a little scared. Shish kabob holders are excellent for poking eyes out and Spike, well, let's just say he's not afraid to think outside the box and take risks.


Back at the Little Flowers homestead, the mood is one of merriment. Everyone is stoked they get to eat and Secret Agent Jill thanks Ninja Warrior for picking her to be on that tribe. Ninja Warrior fake smiles and celebrates with everyone, but inside she's thinking, "Go home grandma and take your knitting with you!" Ninja Warrior is frustrated that the worst case scenario just happened and she scrambles to think of a Plan B. Out on the beach with Norma a plan is hatched. Norma suggests they split the votes - three for Spike and three for Hop Along Kelly (Kelly B.). At home I threw a toothbrush at the screen and shouted, "Oh Norma! How dare you!" But Norma isn't even done with his plan yet. He continues on saying that they'll tell Hop Along they're voting out Jungle Jane. Ninja Warrior nods and smiles. She likes this plan. Norma flashed those pearly whites and I ran down to my laboratory to make a quick potion of hemlock, toadstool, and Jujube's to curse him with gingivitis for life. I hate that people are using that damn leg against Hop Along. You'd think it was made of razor blades and carried a deadly electrical current or something. How about getting rid of Insignificant Kelly (Kelly S.) instead? Is she even on this show? She's like Brett "Nipples" Clouser. I keep forgetting she's even there.


Ninja Warrior tells Hop Along the fake plan to get rid of Jungle Jane and Hop Along isn't exactly thrilled. She likes Jungle Jane (don't we all?) and wants her around for a while. She makes a sad face, shrugs her shoulders, and agrees. Better Jane than her. In that moment, somewhere out in a field or a dewy meadow perhaps, a pony dropped over dead. That'll happen sometimes. It's just how the world works. Bad things happen and ponies die.


Back in the shelter, Spike sits alone on a satin pillow surrounded in a cloud of incense and plans his next move. He's searching for something or maybe someone. No matter how many times he goes over the equations in his head, the numbers just aren't on his side. He's needs to bring someone else in - someone not too bright, someone flighty, someone who'll believe anything. Who *taps chin* could that person be? Thinking Spike's incense is cannabis flavored, Jughead trips over a log and collapses down next to Spike. I clutched my crucifix and hoped for the best.



Spike begins to weave a tale so intricate and so random that just about any idiot would fall for it. As Jughead loves story time, he's all ears. Just like the cavemen did way back when, Spike lights a fire and begins to tell the story of his ancestors. He makes shadow figures on the side of the shelter with his fingers as he begins to relay the tale of his childhood. It turns out that Spike is not only descendent from a long line of Grand Master chess players, but as a child he beat the great Argentinian player, Amanda Hugginkiss. Amanda Hugginkiss was even more popular than Eva Peron! People from all over the world would make pilgrimages just to watch her play. Somehow Argentinian government officials heard of this young boy back in the United States named Spike who'd made grown Russian chess players cry into their Borscht so they flew him to Argentina to play in a no holds barred chess match to the death. Jughead sat transfixed. His glassy eyes sparkling, his hair blowing, and his fists clenched in wild anticipation waiting to hear what happened next. Well, I'll tell you what happened next. Spike's pupils began to swing back and forth like tiny little stopwatches and Jughead is no longer Jughead. He's Stepford Jughead now. Poor boy never knew what hit him.


Back at Little Flowers, Crazy Pants is dismayed she lost the feast while Mafia Dan makes sand drawings of all of his Ferraris. He misses those cars and wonders why the hell he's on this godforesaken show. Over at the campfire Benry tells Chase they should get rid of Yve once and for all. She's a tough competitor and she's smart. No way in hell does he want to go to the Merge with her still puttering about. Chase isn't so sure though. Yve is a girl after all. You see, Chase has the heart of a romantic. Stick him in a tribe, any tribe, and he'll find a woman to love. As long as he can croon some sappy country song to a female with nowhere to run, he's happy. Chase takes his plan to keep Yve to Nanook (NaOnka) and together they discuss the pros and cons.


Yve knows she's on the block so she approaches Alligator Lady and Nanook and pleads with them to stay. The younger gals are totally willing to give Yve a chance. They want to start winning and Dan and his pus-filled knee are definitely not a way to win. Yve has their undivided attention and all she needs to do is tell them about Dan wanting to give up. NOW is the time to pull that secret out of her pocket and play it. What does she do instead? She tells Alligator Lady and Nanook that she's great friends with the fogies over on Little Flowers. Really? Really?!? Really. Ugh! She blew it. Alligator Lady looked at Nanook, the music turned ominous, and had a coffin been present at the time, I would have fully expected to see Yve stenciling her name on it and nailing it shut. So stupid! If only she had stopwatches for eyes.



Back at the Little Flowers, Ninja Warrior is filling Jungle Jane in on the plan to dupe Hop Along and Spike. Jungle Jane is on board. You don't have to tell her twice. Them ticks there piss her off and she's too young at heart to be considered an elder anyways. She'll vote however the chilllun's tell her to vote. On another part of the beach, Norma is hard at work on Stepford Jughead. Norma tells him the plan to flush out the Idol and Jughead stares back confused. His eyes are like those spinning optical illusion circles as he says, "But I like Spike." Norma assures him Spike will play the Idol tonight and Stepford Jughead walks off into the ocean muttering to himself, "But I like Spike, but I like Spike, but I like Spike."


While Stepford Jughead is half way to Panama by now, Spike sits in the shelter and tells Norma how much he wants to stay. Norma asks him if he's comfortable voting out Jungle Jane tonight. Spike is cool with that, but he tells us that right now might not be the best time to pull his super secret power move with Jughead. He's gone over the flow charts in his head and it's just too dicey right now. One thing Spike is almost 100% certain of is that he probably doesn't need to play the Idol tonight. *gasp* He'll bring it just in case, but he's pretty confident that Jane is going home tonight.


This brings us to our first Tribal Council of the night. The Little Flowers are up first and Norma divulges how Spike announced he had the Immunity Idol on the very first day he arrived at camp. Dimples is intrigued and presses for more information. Spike explains he did it as an act of good will and Ninja Warrior sits there rolling her eyes round and round. When it's Ninja Warrior's turn to speak, she's not shy and let's it all hang out how she pretty much thinks Spike is full of shit. OK here's what I don't understand - prior to this moment in time Spike was seemingly fine and trusting of Ninja Warrior. She had the element of surprise of her side and was doing an ok job at making Spike feel comfortable. Had she kept her mouth shut and let Spike go on thinking all was good in the 'hood, he wouldn't be planning her untimely death like he is right about now.


Tribal Council keeps going and it begins to get heated. Ninja Warrior starts hurling throwing stars as she says that Spike and Jill have been planning all along to get rid of Jane. It was a silly lie that wasn't well thought out at all. You can tell Ninja Warrior is grasping at straws and I still couldn't help but wonder why she didn't just shut the fuck up and let Spike think he was safe. Instead, she says something argumentative and then sits there batting her eyes, resting her chin on her hand, and trying ever so hard to act innocent. Uh, baby doll, when you're whipping nunchucks around in people's faces, it's kind of hard to then try to come across as an innocent bystander. Dimples then presses Spike on exactly how comfortable is he right now about being safe. He's all but waving a flag that says, "USE YOUR IDOL!!!"


Finally, it's time to vote and I was biting my fist wondering what the hell was going to happen. Would Stepford Jughead follow through? Would Spike play the Idol? Oh my god, the suspense! I reached for a Xanax, dipped it in my gin glass, and swallowed. Everyone votes and Dimples comes back with the urn and asks if anyone would like to play the Immunity Idol. Spike just sat there... and sat, and sat, and sat. I started hurling anything I could grab at the tv. Empty water bottles, my cell phone, a tube of lotion. I screamed, "Use the Idol dammit! Use it!" Spike stayed firmly where he was and I threw a blanket over my head not wanting to witness what was about to happen.


It's time to read the votes: MARTY (shit!), MARTY (damn you!), MARTY (aww fuck!), BRENDA , BRENDA , KELLY B. (*fans self*), KELLY B. (*exhale*), KELLY B.... We have a tie.


Oh my god, I can't take it anymore! These bitches have to vote again only now Hop Along and Spike can't vote. I dropped a few Klonopin's into my gin and chugged. Peering through shaking hands and scared to death... I am pleased (well, not exactly pleased) to announce that Kelly B. is the sixth person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua. I collapsed into a shivering mess of I don't know what and mumbled to myself, "It'll be ok... it'll be ok... it'll be ok..." God, I love this show! Spike called everyone's bluff and by the skin of his teeth he's here to stay. Better yet, he's out for blood and Ninja Warrior's head on a spike now. *rubs hands together* Oh goody!



Can you believe we still have another Tribal Council to do? I know, it's heaven. OK so now the Erik Estradas are up and the Little Flowers are stuffing their faces. Jughead smiles and giggles with his mouth full and Nanook blows his head off with the glock she's had hidden in her bikini. The conversation then turns to Dan and how his appendages are rotting and falling off. Dan shrugs it off, adds some more scotch tape to his knee, and sits there smiling. Yve is trying to make Dan look like a quitter and a liability, but it's just not working. Yve is too nice I think. She's missing that evil bone that only a few of us were lucky to be born with. She needed to be ruthless, she needed to think three steps ahead, and she needed to find a Life Coach Clam Shell of her own because... Yve is the seventh person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua.


So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Are you Team Spike or Team Ninja Warrior? Will Stepford Jughead continue to be under Spike's spell? Are you planning on getting Amanda Hugginkiss tattooed on your ass today? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!