Thursday, October 28, 2010

We Got Little Balls

Last week we discussed mind control and how Spike's freaky stopwatch pupils have the uncanny ability to hypnotize the most unsuspecting of victims. Back and forth, back and forth those tiny little black orbs would sway. Slowly he'd enter your soul and the next thing you knew, you'd be buying his Amway products and something ridiculous like Volcano Insurance. Naively, I thought Spike was the only one with such powers. Little did I know that Norma's teeth - while lovely to look at - are also little white beacons of death. Sure, one flash of those pearly whites and all the women of New York City fall flat on their backs, but did you know they can also render grown men dumb and powerless? In the battle of the teeth v. the eyeballs, the teeth won. As a result I've instructed my broker to start buying up stock in Crest White Strips. If the rest of the viewing public witnessed what I did last night, then this is finally my surefire way of getting rich quick. White teeth for everyone! Let's recap, shall we?

The night begins with a tornado. I don't mean that figuratively, but, in fact, I mean that quite literally. A tornado was headed my way and Survivor was *gasp* preempted with silly warnings like "Take cover!", "Get underground!", and "Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!" When those silly weathermen finally shut the hell up, the show had already started and that's where I'll commence this little tale.

A hazy day begins at Little Flowers (La Flor) and we find Spike (Marty) on the beach with Jungle Jane pleading his innocence. The air is thick, misty, and grey - perfect for hiding secrets. Spike tells Jane he's never lied to her and has always been straightforward with her. Then, all of a sudden, through the Nicaraguan fog and humidity, a long wooden nose poked out and stabbed Jane in the forehead. Spike ignored it, shrugged his shoulders and laughed. "Oh this little thing?", he said as he tried to strategically place his buff over it. Jane took a step back and eyed him suspiciously, but Spike was relentless as he continued to try to break down what happened the night before. He correctly surmises that the opposing alliance wanted to flush out the Idol and keep everything secret from Hop Along Kelly so she couldn't form any new alliances. He then tells Jane he's pretty sure she voted for him to leave last night. Not wanting a wooden protuberance of her own, Jane simply laughs and smacks Spike on the back. She guffaws and galavants, but doesn't utter a single word. Her strange lilting dance of hysterics was proof enough. Spike has found his traitor and I giggled wondering how Spike would get his revenge. Would he simply glare at her until she burst into flames or would he use her sagging skin for a fetching new line of handbags? I wasn't sure. I just knew it was going to be good.

This brings us to the Reward Challenge. We find Dimples blatantly ignoring my pleas for him to ditch that baseball cap from hell and standing next to a pool the color of gangrene. It looked a little bit like toxic sludge and I hoped that it would make Nanook (NaOnka) sprout yet another personality. OK so one member of each tribe will be the "Defender" standing on a perch in the water. One at a time members of the opposing tribe will leap off of a platform and try to throw their ball into a net behind the Defender. The first tribe to 5 wins a Nicaraguan Farm Reward where they'll be whisked away to a farm to ride horses, eat a real breakfast, and milk their own milk. Really Survivor? A farm? There wasn't like a spa or a magestic waterfall the Survivors could chill out at? I distinctly remember being delighted by Shambo flying down a glassy waterfall with her hair blowing beautifully behind her. Some more of that please.

Jughead (Jud) and Chase are the Defenders and the Erik Estradas (Espada) are up first. Nanook takes one look at Jughead in that water and she leaps like a banshee out of hell trying to hurl that wooden ball at his head. Fortunately (or unfortunately), she misses Jughead and actually scores a point. The Erik Estradas are now in the lead. Secret Agent Jill is up next and she readies herself at the mark. Chase gingerly lowers himself in the water and I found myself wondering what sort of nickname does he deserve? He's sensitive, romantic, falls in love at the drop of the hat, will cry if the wind flutters his lashes just so... He's like Brendon Fraser in that movie Bedazzled - the one where the Devil grants him 7 wishes. There was an overly sensitive character Mr. Fraser played who wrote songs to dolphins, cried at sunsets, and let the woman of his dreams walk all over him. That's totally Chase! The character's name was Elliot, but that would be too confusing to use so I'm going to put this task to you good people. What should Chase's nickname be? Let me know in the comments. I'll pick my favorite and use it for the rest of the season.

So, the challenge continues and the teams are neck in neck. That is, until Spike and the fiery embers of his soul hurls his ball into Chase's wedding tackle. You know he did that on purpose. Chase and his idyllic purdy view of the world must give Spike and his cauldron stirring instincts a bad case of hives. Chase sees a flower on the side of the road and he picks it and writes songs to it. Spike sees a flower on the side of the road and he pours kerosene over it and beats on his chest while it burns burns burns. These two gentlemen are night and day and I hope in the future they battle it out with lots of hair pulling and nipple tweaking. In the end Spike loses the point, but that's ok because he's inflicted pain on the innocent and, let's be honest, that's all that really matters.

The rounds continue and the Erik Estradas are taking no prisoners. Alina scores, Nanook scores, Dan tumbled in and sunk to the bottom, but Benry scored so that was ok. The Little Flowers weren't faring quite as well though. After Jughead peed in the gangrene water, it all kind of went downhill from there. Secret Agent Jill was the only one kicking some major ass. She was like The Matrix, the Karate Kid, and Jason Bourne all wrapped up into one motherly pasty exterior. She took one look at gravity, said no thank you, and flew through the air to re-pre-sent *flashes gang sign* In the end it just wasn't enough and the ERIK ESTRADAS WIN REWARD!!!

The Little Flowers are bummed as Jughead and Jungle Jane were looking forward to going horsebackriding. And then we hear it... a voice I'm not all that familiar with. It's high, kinda screechy, and makes me want to scoop my pancreas out with a rusty spoon. It's Insignificant Kelly (Kelly S.) finally getting some air time. She's like so sad that the other team gets to like milk their own milk. She has no idea what that means or if it even makes sense, but it sounds like amaaaazing. She giggled and smiled at the camera and I died a little bit inside. When she finally remembered that she actually lost the challenge she also remembered that now is "pouting time" so she made a sad face and a scientist somewhere in his laboratory working on the cure for Alzheimer's or something stabbed himself in the brain and fell over dead. Grrrreat. More Gingko Biloba for everyone!

Back at the Little Flowers camp, Jungle Jane is busy making herself valuable to the younger tribe members. She doesn't care if they lounge around all day playing their Gameboys. As long as they feel she's important, she's cool with that. What Jane doesn't know is that she's in fact under a spell. Norma (Sash) smiled at her yesterday and the blinding white light of his teeth turned Jungle Jane into his bitch. So while Jane is out doing backbreaking work aging more and more by the minute, Sash lies in his shelter buffing his teeth thinking about all the women he'll seduce when he gets out of there. Jane gathers the fire wood, empties the latrine, and sets fish traps. Meanwhile Norma roams about the Nicaraguan jungle looking for white things to humiliate. A white butterfly, flower, insect, monkey, clamshell - none of them will ever be as white as his teeth. He even made a White-Faced Capuchin Monkey cry and that's not easy to do you know.

While Norma was busy scaring the wildlife, the Erik Estradas were off on their horses trotting through the jungle. Chase thinks the horse he's riding is his dead father and I could make fun of that, but I won't. I also lost my dad not too long ago only I think he probably manifests himself as a bottle of wine or a stray golf ball. Chase's dad is always rainbows and ponies while mine is more of a plate of nachos and a margarita. To each his own I guess. Anyhow, the Little Flowers arrive at the farm and now it's time to start milking some cows. Nanook is horrified while Dan is just excited to finally get some tit.

Back at Little Flowers, Jungle Jane discovers she's caught herself a giant catfish. She shouts in glee and waves it to her monkey friends lurking nearby. She decides to keep that fish to herself and has no intention of sharing it with anyone - not even Norma! She risked discovery and certain death (from Spike of course) for doing what she did, but I have to say it was pretty impressive. Maybe Jungle Jane isn't under Norma's spell after all. She's certainly not under Spike's. Something in her back country twang and loose skin holds power and, I'm not sure, but that power might be badassness. She's a spunky one that Jane. There's something about women living in cabins perched on the side of the mountain that makes them march to their own drummer. Just look at Kathy from BB12, Loretta Lynn, or Nell. Tough gals who talk funny - something to investigate further I think.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, it's breakfast time! A giant block of cheese is brought out and Crazy Pants (Holly) is thrilled. She feeds a little bit to the Life Coach Clam Shell in her pocket and all is right with the world. She's so happy she has this new family surrounding her. Life Coach Clam Shell told her life would improve and it did! Alligator Lady (Alina), however, inexplicably burst into tears and I got a major Like Water For Chocolate vibe. Clearly, a Nicaraguan woman cried into Alina's omelet as it was being prepared. That's the only excuse I can come up with for the uncharacteristic tears she spewed all over that cheese. Remember, Alina may look innocent on the outside but she's really made out of the flesh of newborns, razor blades, and pepper spray. Nanook knows this first hand. She was sitting next to Alligator Lady during the emotional outburst and a few peppery oil stained tears landed on her arm. Nanook clicked her tongue, shook her head, and said, "Grimy. That Alina is grimy." Imagine... Nanook calling anyone grimy. Now, that's comedy!

This brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Now, I'm in a bit of a hurry this morning so I'm going to have to make this brief. Two members of each tribe have to stand at the top of a tower and roll cannonballs down long steep chutes. The other four members will use ropes to aim the chutes at the opposing tribe's tiles. First tribe to smash five tiles wins. For Little Flowers, Ninja Warrior (Brenda) and Insignificant Kelly are the ball rollers. For the Erik Estradas, it's Alligator Lady and Benry. Survivors ready, go!

The challenge begins and Ninja Warrior and Insignificant Kelly just stand there looking at each other. Ninja Warrior may think she's the leader of this tribe, but girlfriend is way too lazy. She's grown complacent having everything done for her all the time. She mumbles out some instructions while Kelly stands by twirling her hair around her finger. Conversely, Alligator Lady and Benry are shouting instructions, hopping up and down different levels, and varying the sizes of their balls for maximum impact. With Kelly eating her hair and Ninja Warrior expecting everyone else to do the work, those bitches had no chance in hell and ERIK ESTRADAS WIN IMMUNITY!!!

What happens next is so confusing that I actually watched this episode three times. THREE times and I'm still no closer to understanding the truth so I must assume that magic is afoot. OK so the Little Flowers are discussing who they should vote out and the general consensus is to split the votes between Spike and Jill, have Spike play the Idol, and Jill goes home. It's kind of a no brainer. That's what we expect to happen. Hell, even Secret Agent Jill knows this is how it's going down. She also knows where Osama Bin Laden is hiding, but that's not what's important right now. What's important is that Jughead is no longer under Spike's spell. How the hell did this happen?! Someone get a medic down there right away because I think Spike's pupils must be broken. Last week Jughead had pinwheels for eyes. This week he's feeding Norma grapes. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that Norma's teeth must be more powerful than Spike's pupils... which just doesn't make any sense whatsoever! Spike was manufactured in the fourth ring of hell, Just look at his eyebrows. If those things aren't pure evil, then I don't know what it is. Battling those eyebrows of hate are twinkly pretty shiny teeth. Sure, they're made of the dust of Ramses, ground up baby elephant tusks, and pure uncut heroin, but surely they can't be that powerful.

It turns out they are that powerful. I think they might be radioactive. That must be how they stay so white. Anyhow, Ninja Warrior comes up with this ridonkulous scheme to ask Spike for the Idol as a show of good faith or something. I laughed into my wine glass and thought to myself, "You stupid stupid girl." Why in the hell would Spike ever give his Idol to anyone? That's like me turning down an alcoholic beverage. It's just not gonna happen.

So, Norma thinks this cacamamey plan is actually worth trying, but first he must prepare. He turns to the sun, smiles wide, and in an instant the sun goes black and Norma's teeth are ready. The sky turned dim, the insects stopped buzzing, and the monkeys covered their eyes not wanting to witnessing the big bag of fuckery I was forced to witness... THREE TIMES! Norma and Spike sit on the beach and discuss what will happen at Tribal. Norma tells him point blank Jill is going home when Spike plays his Idol. Spike grimaces and nods. It was an inevitability he kinda knew was coming. Then Norma says it, "Or you could, you know, man to man, give me the Idol and, man to man, you have my word you're not going home. We'll shake hands man to man." Ok pause with me please. Spike already knows he's not going home. How does giving the Idol to Norma help him in this game? If anything, it just makes him more vulnerable and makes Norma more powerful. What happens next, I can't explain.

SPIKE GIVES NORMA THE IMMUNITY IDOL! Clearly, Spike is broken. One of his parts isn't working and I'm thinking it's more than his pupils. Maybe his heart of coal is on the fritz. Are his lungs actually pumping oxygen instead of methane? Is his blood running red instead of grey? I don't understand what is going on! This makes no sense! I considered the fact that maybe the mushrooms on my pizza were psychadellic and Papa John's was playing a cruel cruel joke on me. I don't know what the hell was going on, but this bitch was confused and impotent and I hate that.

This brings us to Tribal Council and once again I hid under my blankets not wanting to witness what was about to happen. I even considered obeying the tornado warnings and seeking underground shelter. Spike is going home and without my evil guru I'm destined to wander this Earth barefoot and possibly pregnant. It's a fate worse than death. Anyhow, Dimples starts the chatting and Spike calls Jane a "Flipper". Oh my god, he's more broken that I thought. He thinks Jane is a dolphin! *weeps into tumbler of gin*

Dimples then brings up the Immunity Idol and Spike admits he may have made a mistake passing off to someone else. Ya think?!? *stabs eye with a fork* Dimples asks where the Idol is right now and Norma says, "Jeff, the Idol is in my pocket." Dimples then asks Jughead if Spike should be worried. Jughead says yes and says, "Either way we have the Idol now." Dimples raised his eyebrow. "We?", he asks. Ninja Warrior says it's ok to say "we" and then not 30 seconds later Norma makes the biggest blunder of his life. He actually says that when the time comes that he loses trust in his alliance, he'll just go ahead and keep the Idol. Now, midway through this statement he catches himself and twists it around to make it sound like they could mistrust him and not the other way around. It was all really weird, but what's weirder still was that Jughead, of all people, picks up on it! He starts talking about Freud's psychoanalytic theory and it was in this moment that I looked around my room and asked no one in particular, "What the hell is going on here? Am I in a Twilight Zone episode?" I had either tumbled down Alice's rabbit hole or was clearly in the Bizarro World. Nothing, and I mean nothing, was making any sense whatsoever. Jughead was smart, Spike was powerless, Norma was bumbling, and Ninja Warrior wasn't even rolling her eyes. Freaky.

As we approached the vote, I just assumed I was Charlie Sheen drunk so I began to weep thick salty tears over my beloved Spike about to get his ass voted off for being a moron. My mascara was running all down my face. I had snot bubbles shooting out my nose. My hair was a mess of tangles as I licked the wallpaper in my room. When it came time to read the votes, I had accepted what I was going to hear. Well, not accepted. I'd simply made a suicide pact, scribbled a short note that read, "Spike you dumbass!", and was ready to slice my wrists. As the cold blade rested against my skin, Dimples began to read the votes: JANE, JANE, JILL, MARTY (*hiccups*), JILL, MARTY (*begins to push down*), JILL... Jill is the 8th person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua. Ummm exsqueeze me? Baking powder?

He lives! Spike lives!!! I don't know how and I don't know why, but a miracle just happened and I'm not going to question it. I'm going to put my knife away, pretend last night never happened, and wait patiently for next week - THE MERGE. So, what did you bitches think of last night's episode? Did you understand any of it? Why did they vote out Jill? Who wants to help me rip Norma's teeth out of his skull? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Sorry this was a little short today. Real life intervenes. Oh, don't forget to submit your suggestions for Chase's new name. The winner will get full credit and the joy of seeing his/her name used in next week's blog somehow.