Thursday, November 4, 2010

It Tastes Better When You Steal It


"In a faraway place, right at the end of the rainbow, there is a magical kingdom where all the colors of the earth are created. The kingdom is called Rainbow Land, and living in this wonderful place is a lovable, creative little girl named Rainbow Brite. She uses the colors of the rainbow to make our world brighter and our hearts lighter. Rainbow Brite's best friend is a magical flying horse named Starlite. He serves as Rainbow's protector and guardian, and as her swiftest means of transportation... The villains of Rainbow Land are Murky Dismal and Lurky - two nasty creatures who live in a place called The Pits. They hate everything colorful and are always plotting to capture Rainbow Brite. They want to use color and trickery and evil doings so that the world will be just as murky and dismal as they are."


Now, one might think yours truly wrote the above paragraph, but believe me when I tell you I stole it directly from a Rainbow Brite website. Not only do I think Dammit is a magical all knowing toy sorcerer, but I also think I'd make a fascinating addition to the delightful world of Rainbow Brite storytelling. As soon as I'm done here, I'm submitting my resume. Anyhow, it is with great pleasure and eerie wonder that I congratulate Dammit for giving one Ms. Chase Rice a name in this little fancy pants blog. Congratulations Dammit! An imaginary fruit basket is on it's way. Let's recap, shall we?


We begin our tale of woe at the Little Flowers (La Flor) homestead. A turtle carcass washes up on the Nicaraguan shore and is quickly ravaged by bloodsucking vultures. In the distance a seagull cawed and I immediately began to ponder what this frightful scene could possibly be foreshadowing. Watching the flesh get yanked off of poor Mr. Turtle, our villain Spike (Marty) sat in quiet contemplation and wondered exactly how the hell he got to where he is now. There's a sadness in the air as Secret Agent Jill has been sent back to her underground bunker at the Pentagon and Spike finds himself all alone, forlorn and confused. He's Jill-less, Idol-less, friendless, and hopeless. Devil horns sagging and eyebrows drooping, Spike comes to the realization that he might just have to turn in his pitchfork when this whole Survivor thing is all said and done. Even his hair limped in resignation.


Then, suddenly, on a cloud as fluffy as his brain cells, Jughead (Jud) arrives with news from the outside world. He skips into camp waving a scroll above his head and squeals, "I've got tree mail!" The weathered and scrawny castaways encircle Jughead to discover a key and a map. It's Merge time, bitches! The tribe gasped and shrieked in celebration while one man stood alone and simply smiled to himself. He didn't jump up and down. He didn't even high five - which is a Little Flowers law I'll have you know. Instead, he tiptoed into the trees like a werewolf might on the night of a full moon. Once alone and safe from prying eyes, his horns grew back, his tail with the arrow at the end of the it wagged, and his hair stood tall and proud. Spike is back bitches. He's back! Steam shot out his ears while his eyes glowed crimson as I doodled "666" in my notebook.


Over at the Erik Estradas (Espada) camp, an equal and proportionately inverse reaction was taking place. In the brush, a trunk with a note pinned to it promised that company would be arriving soon. Instead of rolling out the welcome mats and doing a little light dusting, the tribe mumbled to themselves, "The Merge. I guess it's the Merge." Nanook (NaOnka) squinched up her face and grunted, "They're coming here? Why are they coming here?" Rainbow Brite (Chase) shrugged his shoulders and Benry sighed, "Well, I guess we should make a fire for them or something." While they kicked at the sand and reluctantly prepared for the newcomers, Alligator Lady Alina had some plans of her own. She sat soft and delicate on her log and tried to quickly make herself five shiny new friends. She had about 10 minutes and all the hope in the world, but her efforts were in vain as Dan curled up for a nap, Rainbow Brite played with a fluttering butterfly, and Crazy Pants made her Life Coach Clam Shell a cute little bowtie for the big Merge party. Life Coach Clam Shell is not only an expert in positive affirmations, but he's also a very smart dresser.



So, the weary and hopeful travelers from Little Flowers finally arrive and initially it's all hugs and kisses. Spike was beaming ear to ear as he embraced his partner in crime (literally, crime), Mafia Dan, and breathed in what he's termed his "new lease on life." Crazy Pants introduced Life Coach Clam Shell to everyone while Ninja Warrior (Brenda) wriggled herself front and center for the opening of the trunk. She may be completely unlikable and friends with Nanook, but she knows there's a good chance an Idol clue lies inside and I can't really blame her because that's what I was thinking too - key, trunk, open, scroll, clue. Instead it was: key, trunk, open, bread, fruit, new buffs. Yup, the tribe has new buffs and now they need a new name. Spike didn't even blink twice as he announced, "The new name of the tribe is Liberturd. It means freedom and liberty or something like that." The wide-eyed young'uns nodded in agreement, "Yes Libretard, that sounds good." Spike stood like a proud Papa as the tribe donned their new scarlet buffs. He looked upon Liverwurst and thought to himself, "Lederhosen means a lot to me. I'm proud to have been the one to name the new tribe." So, Lipitor was born and all was well.


Then, it was time to feast. Freshly baked loaves of bread were sliced. Rum, cookies, cheeses, nuts, and berries were laid out for all of Landrover to enjoy. For some reason though, sitting together in a group of people and eating sustenance like a human is a completely foreign idea to that wretched thing called Nanook because inexplicably she started shoving salami down her pants, peanuts in her bra, and cheese in her dreads (actually, that might have been there from before). *sigh* I miss LaLooney sometimes. LaLooney smiles with a twinkle in her eye while Nanook drools out the sides of her mouth and spits on children. Everyone reading this heed my warning. If you're unfortunate enough to ever encounter Nanook in real life, do not - I repeat, DO NOT - let her into your home. She'll steal your toilet paper, cotton balls, and even that one Pop Tart that's been in the back of your pantry for months. Can you imagine what this chick must be like in hotels? I'm pretty sure Marriot has banned her for life and I can almost guarantee she's responsible for all the missing socks of the world.



So, while the queen of South Central was busy lining her shorts with a rows of grapes and peas, a new and unlikely pair was having a little "get to know you" over at the moonshine station. It was our very own Rainbow Brite and Jungle Jane. He heard a twang on the wind and decided to strap on his spurs and sidle up to that twang to see what's doin'. A rusty banjo lazily strummed in the background as the two filled jar after jar with 'tato water. Jungle Jane wiped her brow and reminisced about how deep down in the South of North Carolina she lives on a hill with 87 dogs and a DVD player. It turns out Jane likes to spend her afternoons working out to the P90X series. Yup. She climbs down the side of the mountain to get water from a 'crick', she rocks on her porch with a shotgun on her lap, and she works out to one of the most extreme home fitness systems ever invented. Rainbow Brite blushed and giggled. He does P90X too! She talks funny, he talks funny; she works out, he works out; she can shoot a gun, he can shoot a gun; her husband died, his dad died; she likes animals, the sprit of his dad sometimes is an animal... what are the odds?!? And just like that we have a new partnership based on good ole fashioned Southern values and the fact that Rainbow Brite will fall in love with any girl he talks to. Call me crazy, but if these two make out under the stars while sharing a jar of the 'shine, my season is made.


Back at Leapfrog, Nanook is hard at work making tortillas for breakfast. The stipulation being that tribe members can only take a bite premeasured out by Nanook. Let's go over that again, shall we? The girl who shoved cured meat up her hoo-ha and peanuts in her pockets is now dictating exactly how big a bite Jughead can take of a tortilla she made for the entire tribe. I guess she got left with the smallest tortilla and so in retaliation she steals the flour, the pans, and and the cutlery and marches off to the woods to bury it in the sand. Wouldn't you know it? Crazy Pants sees Nanook's thievery and instead of listening to Life Coach Clam Shell who tells her to tattle right away (that's one smart clam!), Crazy Pants does nothing but play paddy-cake with some tree branches. Meanwhile, Nanook has gathered up enough food for her entire cast of personalities and now she's off in the woods feeding apples to each and every one of them. Not only that, this nasty bitch talks with her mouth full. Gross.



Once Nanook had her fill, she extended her veiny bony finger and beckoned Alligator Lady into the woods to join her. In that moment I knew in my heart of hearts that nothing good was going to come of this. Innocent-looking Alina tentatively wanders into the woods where Nanook has laid out all the loot of fruit and frying pans she stole from camp. Nanook, like the evil witch in Snow White or maybe Eve from Genesis, offers Alina a poisoned fruit and Alina takes it and devours it. The juice is dripping down her chin and I could do nothing but sit and watch in horror. I knew one of two things would happen. Either Alina would fall over dead and 7 little men would come marching in to take care of her or some sort of higher being would punish all of womankind with menstrual cramps and painful childbirths for kingdom come. No offense to Alligator Lady, but I was kind of hoping for option #1. Anyhow, the more Alligator Lady sucked the bejesus out of that orange, the more she put her faith into Nanook. When Nanook whipped out the giant papaya, I clutched my pelvis and hoped for the best. Whatever Nanook was sprinkling on that fruit was working and it pissed me off.


Back at Lidocaine, the tribe is just now discovering that some things are missing. Jughead swears the tide didn't whisk it all away and Spike shouts, "Who took the goddamn flour?!" I'm not positive but I think Uruguay had an earthquake in that moment. When Spike bellows, nations crumble. Just sayin'. So everyone is all like, "Where are the pots and pans?" and Nanook just sits quietly in the shelter hiding under a blanket hoping no one will see her. In the corner, Alligator Lady shifted uncomfortably while Jughead continued screeching about there being no tortillas anymore. Quietly and ever so gently, an all-knowing tapping took place. It was Life Coach Clam Shell tapping on Crazy Pants' shoulder. Crazy Pants sighed to herself as she knew in that moment what she had to do: call out Nanook.


I held my breath and clapped my hands in anticipation. Finally, someone was going to out that thief and the whole tribe will turn on her and she'll be history because stealing food is just. not. done. This is it! The time has come. It's going down and even Norma and Ninja Warrior aren't going to take this bullshit. Hell, Spike will just look at Nanook and she'll vanish into a puff of smoke. This is gonna be awesome! *giggles*


I stared at the screen and I waited... and I waited... and I waited. Crazy Pants did fuck-all calling out Nanook, Nanook just denied everything, and in the end she was surrounded by a group of friends offering her support. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Uh, rewind. Do over. How, in the name of all that is holy, did Nanook just get away with stealing on Survivor? Did she sprinkle her poison dust all over every one in that damn tribe? That should have been the turning point in this game, but instead it was a Kumbaya moment that took place at sunset in the pretty orange light. Ridonkulous. Crazier still, the young folk begin to plot getting rid of Alligator Lady and Norma is psyched that now he can take Nanook to the final three and no one will vote for her. *throws Scope at the TV screen*


So while Norma was advising Nanook to lay low and my world was beginning to crumble, Jungle Jane was on the beach doing her "fish dance". Is that like Turtle Time? (Name where Turtle Time comes from in the comments and you're a big weiner!) Jane's quirky and fun and all that, but am I the only one who's getting a little annoyed by it? One can take only so much charm you know. I think I'm about charmed out right about now. While Jane was on that beach shaking her money maker, I found my loyalties lying in that shelter with Spike, Jughead, and Benry as they rolled their eyes and giggled all manly together. Spike echoes my sentiment as he declares Jane's Southern "thang" a cancerous testicle... or maybe it was tentacle?... that's running through the tribe and infecting people one by one. Rainbow Brite is clearly already infected. Hell, he probably already applied for a marriage license by now. Lord knows who could be next.


We now arrive at the Immunity Challenge. It's an Endurance Challenge and one male and one female will win Individual Immunity. Players have to keep tension on two metal handles holding a pole thing in place. If the tension lapses, the pole thingie will drop and break a tile. Last male and female standing without breaking their tile wins. Survivors ready, go!


After about 3 seconds, Insignificant Kelly (Kelly S.) is out followed by Mafia Dan. Then goes Alligator Lady, Ninja Warrior, Benry, Norma, and Nanook. It's down to Crazy Pants and Jungle Jane for the women and it's here I have to make a confession: I was rooting for Crazy Pants to win. Is that wrong? I think Spike has me under a "Hate Jane" spell or something. I don't know what it is, but the more I see her, the more I want to punch her in the face. Clearly, what I want doesn't matter because JANE WINS IMMUNITY and because I need to speed this up a bit JUGHEAD ALSO WINS IMMUNITY. Yeah yeah yeah, Jane stayed to the end wanting to show off and, I'm sorry, but I think that was kind of a dumb move. The last thing she needs to do right now is set herself up as a serious physical threat.


Back at Lufthansa, Jungle Jane is group hugging with the gals and she whispers that she wants Spike gone. Oh no she di-in't! Oh yes she did. Word begins to spread throughout the camp... kinda like those cancerous testicles Spike was talking about earlier... and everyone is torn between Alligator Lady and Spike. Personally, I'd rather neither left. I'd rather they get together and team up. That's what should have happened, but since when do I ever get what I want? Never!


Then something very strange happened. Norma was in the woods exfoliating his teeth when he reveals to Jane and her boyfriend Rainbow Brite that he has a deal with Spike and can't vote him out this week. I was at once pleased and confused. Pleased that Spike might stay, but confused as to why Norma is being so loyal. I wonder what Norma is up to. I doubt he's doing with Spike what he's doing with Nanook. Jane is visibly unthrilled and worried that Spike will be after her next week. Norma flashes his pearly whites and assures her she has nothing to worry about. She has their entire alliance on her side next week. Jane stands unphased and I gasped. Norma's teeth are losing their power! Did Nanook sprinkle her poison powder in his mouth as he slept? Or maybe Norma's teeth don't work on women over 50? I'm not sure. All I know is that Jane marched away from Norma with her own agenda to get Spike out.


Meanwhile, Mafia Dan has awoken from his nap and is now freaking out Spike with the news that Rainbow Brite wants him out. Had Dan bothered to delivered that news before his nap it might have been helpful. Instead, it made Spike all paranoid and in damage control mode. He put on his tutu, covered his devil horns with his hair, and proceeded to try to convince everyone what a nonthreat he is. Norma got annoyed and Ninja Warrior swore she saw his tail peek out the back of his shorts.


This brings us to another fun-filled Tribal Council. Dimples (Happy Birthday by the way) begins tossing softballs about tribe dynamic yadda yadda yadda. Yes, it's changed. Yes, big moves will start to happen now. Who cares? Let's get to the fun stuff - Spike's assault on Jane! *rubs hands together* Out of nowhere Spike's all like, "Let's talk about Ms. Jane." and out came the funniest most delightful word vomit I've ever heard! Spike says, and I'm paraphrasing here, "You're all falling for the innocent old lady from the south, my momma this, and my momma that, dancing on the beach with the catfish and her tragic story which is the worst story in the history of mankind. People on the Titanic and in Auschwitz were happier than Jane has ever been in her entire life. If you suckers fall for this southern charm bullshit and how horrible her life is then she's gonna win the million dollars and you won't and Lucifer and Beelzebub and Mephistopheles... by the fire and brimstone vested in me, I declare Jane will win Survivor if we don't get her out NOW!" *silence* Thunder rumbled in the distance and I hesitantly mumbled to no one in particular, "Preach it Spike, preach it." Now, you may not like Spike, but he has a point. If Jane makes it to the finals, she will win this game. It's not like she's a Jordan Lloyd (BB11) and doesn't altogther deserve it or anything like that. She's actually proved to be a very savvy player, but I happen to like Spike better so that's where my loyalty is going for now.


In the end it didn't really matter that Spike wants Jane's head twirling over a fire pit because Alina is the 9th person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua and the 1st member of the Jury. I'm sad to see Alina go so soon. I wish she had teamed up with Spike, Dan, Jughead, and Benry. I also wish she hadn't eaten that poison fruit, but *shrugs shoulders* oh well. At least we'll still get to enjoy Alligator Lady at Ponderosa.


So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Are you sad to see Alligator Lady go? Will Spike's luck ever run out? When will people wise up to Nanook? Will Jane have one of those miracle births and give Rainbow Brite some spawn? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! Sorry this was so late today. Next week should be back to normal. Fingers crossed.


Please to enjoy Life At Ponderosa:











Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Merge Blog Will Be Late

Just a quick note: The Merge Blog will be up later than usual on Thursday. I'm shooting for early evening, but you never can tell how long a vajazzling appointment will take. Nevertheless, the blog WILL be up and I WILL have a winner for the "Give Chase A Name" contest.

I'll update on Facebook and Twitter when it's ready.

Later Bitches!