Thursday, November 11, 2010

Happy Birthday Spike


In the olden timey days, Henry David Thoreau went into the woods to live deliberately. He said he wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. I interpret this to mean he ate tree bark, sizzled ants using nothing but the sun and his bifocals, and pooped downwind into a shallow hole. Thoreau challenged himself to take life by the horns and in the end he found peace, meaning, and, I suspect, a really great book publisher. I, however, went into the woods this morning to live sadly. Lost, forlorn, and barefoot I looked up at the trees encircling me and asked, "Why?" WHY?! Why have you foresaken me woodland creatures? What have I ever done to you that was so objectionable? I've brought awareness to the endangered California Ground Squirrel population over at the Bitchy Big Brother Blog. I've given shelter to fairies, sprites, nymphs, fates, muses, and, not to mention, some very randy satyrs. Nature is my religion and my religion has now betrayed me. I blame the stars in the sky, the wind that rustles the fragile leaves, and that groundhog over there *points to a chunky furry thing* - the one I will ritually disembowel later in response to that big load of fuckery I was forced to witness last night. With dirt streaking my cheeks and stink bugs clinging wantonly in my hair, I curled up on the cold ground to sigh and weep. A deer quizically observed my salty meltdown as a Copperhead stealthily approached. On any normal day, the sight of a deadly Copperhead indigenous to my native Virginia would send me screaming down the hill with my hands waving maniacally above me and little drops of pee dripping down my leg, but today... Today I welcomed it's lethal death kiss. Devour me, oh serpentine one. I no longer have a reason to live or the will to go on. Let's recap, shall we?


We begin under the cover of night. Lutefisk (Libertad) is back from Tribal Council and we find our tribe in stunned disbelief. You see, Spike (Marty) has just finished whipping Jungle Jane upside the head with his leathery red devil tail and now the tribe is unsure how to proceed. Rainbow Brite (Chase), sitting on a log rocking back and forth sucking his thumb, is shaken up and feeling out of sorts from the sight of his new paramour being the object of such a vicious attack. He's worried that people like Ninja Warrior (Brenda) and Norma (Sash) might have actually bought into Spike's little Tribal Council tantrum. However, Jane is unphased. She sticks a piece of straw in her teeth, runs her fingers through Rainbow Brite's hair, and quietly assures him that she will live to fight another day. Her life hasn't been an easy one in that rickety ole cabin of hers so little specks of venom from the Devil ain't gonna ruffle her feathers none. She's fought off mudslides, rabid raccoons, and those pesky neighbor boys trying to steal her 'shine. If she can lift 80 lb dogs up the side of a mountain, she can handle an evil demon doing the Underworld's bidding. Jane stoically wipes away Rainbow Brite's tears and dabs his eyes with a lace hanky. She then smiles at him crookedly as they clasp hands and gaze at the roaring fire. They've got each other and that's a lot. For love, they'll give it a shot. Whoaa, they're half way there. Whoaa, livin' on a prayer.


A new day dawns and Spike has awoken with an inferno in his loins and a shiny new target on his back. He took a risk last night nailing Jane to that cross, but now's not the time to dwell on the past. Now is the time to get a plan, put it into action, and show these idiots the proper way to play Survivor. While Jane and Rainbow Brite were busy making sweet love under the stars, Spike was down in his laboratory mixing hemlock, pony hearts, newborn baby's blood, and fresh fairy tears into his cauldron. He drew complicated flow charts and used all sorts of fascinating logarithms that only a Tech Exec from California spawned from the Prince of Darkness would understand. In the end, his research revealed that the only way to stay in the game is to flush out the Idol from Nanook (NaOnka) and convince everyone to vote out Jane instead. Using PowerPoint and a monkey carcass he presented his plan to Benry and Mafia Dan making sure to highlight all the votes Jane would get if she were to make it the finale. Mafia Dan papier mache-d himself a new knee, grabbed a nondescript burlap sack of oranges, and told Spike to count him in. Benry was onboard too... only he couldn't figure out what all the oranges were for. Dan assured him they were simply to thwart off the scurvy. And then he shoved a pair of pliers down his sock and gave an upward nod to Spike. Fuhget about it.


Now we arrive at the big Reward Challenge where the tribes will be randomly divided into two teams. Each team will then work together through a series of obstacles to collect three keys. Once the obstacles have been cleared, they will then use the keys to open three locks. The first team to raise their flag wins Reward. No farm animals or manual labor this time around bitches. This Reward was actually a good one. The winning team will be taken on a canopy tour of the Nicaraguan jungle where they'll zipwire to a massive Survivor barbecue complete with chicken, potato chips, apple pie, soft drinks, and cold beer. Nanook rubbed her hands together and licked her lips thinking about all the stuff she could steal. She wondered to herself if an entire pie would fit into her bikini bottoms. At the very least, she was sure she could shove a drumstick in her ear.


After "randomly" drawing for teams, Dimples announces that magically the teams turned out to be Men V. Women. However, one name did not get picked and that name was Rainbow Brite. R.B. wasn't allowed to run in the challenge, but he was able to pick which team he wanted to side with. If the team he picked won, then he'd be able to go on the Reward with them. If they lost, then he'd be shit out of luck. Shifting uncomfortably on the sidelines gnawing his fingernails, Rainbow Brite had a choice to make. Does he root for the women or the men? As his heart and some of his DNA are already with the ladies, he throws his handkerchief into their corner and shuns the boys. At home I wasn't the least bit surprised. Of course Rainbow Brite was going to side with the ladies. How did I know, you ask. Well, the way he was twirling his parasol and straightening his stocking seams were a good indication. Also, the fact that he fashioned a necklace out of a lock of Jane's hair was a pretty telling sign as well. Besides, his menstrual cycle is already synced up with everyone else's. No point in putting a kink in nature's design.




Ok so... Survivor's ready, go! Both teams fly off the start and hurl themselves into a wall of hay. Crazy Pants (Holly) and the other gals land straight into the hay with their limbs splayed this way and that. It was kind of like that Da Vinci drawing - only without the penis. The women stay stuck there waiting for something to happen. Meanwhile over on the men's team, Jughead (Jud) was like a bulldozer out of control clearing a path for his teammates. The men burst through their hay with great force while eventually the weight of the stuck women caused them to tumble through their own wall.




Both teams get their first key and then they proceed to the wall of sticks. Going through the wall of sticks was very much like trying to barrell through a giant life size game of Kerplunk. I found myself hoping large glass marbles would start dropping on their heads. Instead ,Spike approached the wall like he would a bag of marshmallows or a litter of puppies. He opened his mouth wide, blew out a giant fire ball, and sizzled those bitches beyond recognition. The women, on the other hand, kept bouncing off the sticks seemingly surprised that they were really made of wood. Ninja Warrior changed tactics and decided to fly up on top of the sticks and crush them with her body weight while Jungle Jane, winded and confused, simply staggered her way through a narrow opening (kind of like yours truly leaving a bar at closing time on a Saturday night). Her shirt was hanging off her shoulders, she was missing a heel, and I'm not sure but I think I saw Rainbow Brite's phone number written in Sharpie on her forearm.



The men gain a considerable lead as Jane was not only plum tuckered out, but homegirl probably broke a hip. Seriously, she's as rickety as that dilapidated cabin she lives in. Girlfriend needs to amp up her P90X regimen. You can't cheat and just do the yoga section like I do. So, at this point the men are working their way through the net crawl where Jughead was already done and waiting on the other side. Spike and Norma were still stuck in the middle dragging Mafia Dan through as his leg fell off way back in the hay portion. When the men see the women approach the net crawl, they begin to panic. Rather then keep Dan's tendon's and ligaments in working order, they simply hurl him over the side of the contraption while simultaneously trying to avoid the blood spatter.





The final obstacle was the brick wall and, naturally, Jughead charges through it head first. Spike was right behind him in a close second knocking down the remaining bricks with the goat horns potruding out the top of his head while Norma was somewhere tiptoeing through the damage making sure his teeth didn't get dirty. Over on the women's side, Jane was spent and exhausted. She could no longer put one foot in front of the other and so she landed face down in the mud. Rainbow Brite clutched his pearls and fanned himself furiously while Insignificant Kelly (Kelly S.) tried to kick Jane closer to the next obstacle. In the end, Jane was a serious liability and MEN WIN REWARD!!!


Insignificant Kelly stood in stony silence and then sure enough her lower lip began to tremble. Dimples asked her what was wrong and that was all it took. She burst into tears and whined, "I'm huuuuuungry!" Even Crazy Pants gave her an awkward sideways glance. I have to say, I think Life Coach Clam Shell is the best thing that's ever happened to Crazy Pants. Sure, Crazy Pants still sneaks off at the crack of dawn to talk to the plant life and alphabetize tree frogs, but at least she's not sinking shoes and stealing snails anymore. What if Crazy Pants actually won this thing? Would Life Coach Clam Shell get half? More importantly, I'd get like a Finder's Fee, right? Something to think about... OK so eventually, Insignificant Kelly shook off her emotional outburst and over in the bushes somewhere Rainbow Brite gave Jane mouth to mouth while copping a feel. *shivers*



Conversely, out in the Nicaraguan jungle the mood was one of merriment and bliss. One by one the men whizzed through the trees and I think even Mafia Dan had a good time. I mean, how can you really tell? The guy's like wallpaper. So anyways, Spike is now one happy camper. He put his pitchfork away, retracted his fangs, and let the bunny he was about to sacrifice run free. It was guy time now and when it's guy time, it's Milller time! The men gathered around, chugged back a few brews and talked about power tools, football, and boobies. I mean, that's what guys talk about, right? Once the feasting began, Spike quietly set up his laptop and overhead projector and very slyly delivered his "Get Rid Of Jane" PowerPoint presentation all the while making sure not to interrupt the buffet too much. It's like when you go to the Days Inn to listen to some dude talk about Time Share opportunities. You endure the slide show and sign-in sheets, but deep down everyone knows you're just there for the free food and drinks. Was Spike's audience only there for the free goodies too?


On the surface everyone was down with Spike's plan - even Norma! Benry high-fived Spike, Jughead giggled at the thought of making Nanook think she was going home, and Dan, well, Dan looked at his watch and wondered when this show will freaking end already. You and I both know Mafia Dan is just as stunned as we are that he's lasted this long. He may head a notorious crime syndicate back in Brooklyn, but here in Nicaragua the light has gone out in his eyes. His stock reaction to everything is to shrug his shoulders and add some more scotch tape to his knee. He's already used up all the dental floss and I'm pretty sure the monkeys put the kibosh on loaning him anymore twine. Well, what can you do? *shrugs shoulders* He supports Spike and that's all that matters to me.




Back at Lilith (Fair), the girls are braiding each other's hair and giving Rainbow Brite a makeover. While they're all in agreement that Spike should be the one to go home tonight, Ninja Warrior thinks Rainbow Brite made a stupid mistake choosing to side with the girls. I hate to say it (no, I don't), but it's finally dawning on Ninja Warrior what a pussy Rainbow Brite is. I swear Rainbow Brite plays Survivor like it's a Julio Iglesias song... To all the girls I've loved before/who traveled in and out my door/I'm glad they came along/I dedicate this song/To all the girls I've loved before. The only difference between Rainbow Brite and Julio is that women don't hurl their panties at Rainbow Brite. Instead, they wipe his nose when he's sad, dole out the meds when he's anxious, and advise him to keep his mouth shut as much as possible. The girls want Rainbow Brite as a silent partner and nothing more. He needs to just sit in the corner, fluff his petticoats, and look pretty. Beyond that, he doesn't have to lift a finger or say a word. The less he thinks and speaks, the better.


Jane is the one exception. She kind of marches to her own herky jerky drummer. It's a jaunty tune that tells her when the catfish are swimming and where evil is lurking. Today, it told her that evil was right around the corner. It was wearing a blue shirt, had eyebrows the shape of boomerangs, and licked it's lips at the thought of Jane's loose skin as his new area rug. Spike be thy name. *thunder claps* Jane knows deep down in her soul that Spike was sent adrift on a river of boiling blood as an infant and raised by some sort of winged dogs. She can see it in the yellow of his eyes. She doesn't trust men raised by mythical beasts. Never have, never will. So while Jane is busy plotting how to plunge a stake into Spike's heart, Spike is uncharacteristically out on the beach collecting seashells and making sand castles. Oh my god... He forgot his goddamn pitchfork back at the Reward Challenge! If I've told him once, I've told him a thousand times: Put your pitchfork in your pitchfork cozy and strap that bitch to your back! *throws hands in air*




This bring us to the big Immunity Challenge. It's a memory game that I'm going to kind of cruise through because it's getting late. Dimples will show the tribe a series of symbols. All the chuckleheads have to do is show the symbols back to Dimples in the order in which he read them off. Because it's too excruciating for me to relive... Spike has a brain fart and NINJA WARRIOR WINS IMMUNITY!!! *stabs self in the ear*


Back at Lichtenstein, Benry and Jughead are going over Spike's plan wondering if it's really going to work. Benry grunts occasionally, shifts side to side, and once in a while looks up from the same spot on the ground he's always staring at. Seriously, someone please tell me when this guy gets a personality. I have yet to give him a nickname because I have ZERO to work with. All he ever does is wipe his brow and readjust his Loverboy headband. *pause* Don't even think about it. No way in hell I'm calling him Loverboy. *pause again* Damn. "Loverboy" is pretty good, isn't it? I just don't want any of my lovely readers thinking me calling Benry "Loverboy" is a term of endearment or anything. It's simply a reference to a douchey 80's band where the lead singer wore a ginormously awkward headband. Nothing more.



OK so anyhow they're talking about how they'll lay low and make it seem like they're voting for Nanook yadda yadda yadda. Then, I hear it. Jughead lifts his head, brushes aside his golden locks and says, "I hate playing stupid so much!" I think Uranus fell out of the sky at that precise moment. I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure I heard something crashing all around me. I just assumed it was cosmic, but it could have very well been all the angels in heaven suddenly plunging to their deaths. Sure, Jughead has grown on me and he's quite a likable guy, but I refuse to believe he's got a PhD hanging on the wall of his surfer's hut back home. Did the planets align last night or something like in Tomb Raider? When Jughead fancies himself a "brain" and Spike is out somewhere picking daisies because he's let his guard down, something on a very grand scale is going down. Maybe it's that Mayan 2012 thing. Perhaps it just wants to beat the holiday rush and get started already. I mean, should I be stocking up on wine and Twix? If it's my time to leave this world, I plan on doing it with a buzz and a cookie crunch. Just sayin'.



Further inside camp, Mafia Dan and Spike are confronting Rainbow Brite. They attach electrodes to his nipples and demand to know how he's going to vote. Rainbow Brite looks doe-eyed and doesn't know what to say. Spike asks R.B. if he was the coach of a Curling team and someone on one team stole eskimo pies from the other team and shoved them down her bikini, would he still want to play that team in the Winter Olympics? I can kind of see the point Spike was trying to make (he's trying to say how fucked up it is to keep a thief like Nanook in the tribe), but he made one very grave error. The way to Rainbow Brite's intellect is not through sports. It's through matters of the heart. Love, poetry, country songs... you know? All that crap. Had Spike quoted John Mellencamp for instance - Hold on to 16 as long as you can/Changes come around real soon/Make us women and men - he might have gotten somewhere. Instead Rainbow Brite's eyes glazed over and he ran to tell his sorority sisters about how he thinks Jane is the real target.


Up to this point I've avoided discussing a new gruesome twosome. Of course, I'm talking about Norma and Ninja Warrior. I've had a little soft spot for Norma all season long and I've forgiven him his minimal transgressions, but I've never cared for Ninja Warrior. However, together, they make me want to kick old ladies in the ovaries. If they were out and out hardcore villains who were fearsome things to behold, I could maybe forgive their arrogance and their delusions that they're in control of everything. Just because they happened to be the swing votes this week, doesn't mean they'll be the swing votes every week. Furthermore, I think luck- rather than intellect - has helped them out more than anything else. When I see them telling us how they're in charge, how they hold all the cards, how everyone will do what they say, I literally cringe. Let's get real here, not one person is genuinely scared of Norma. Neither of them are beasts in challenges. They're certainly not as likable as Jughead or Jane. To me, they're like that ugly girl at the party who thinks she's hot. You wonder where the hell she got all that self confidence while you simultaneously laugh at her under your breath. Norma needs to shake Ninja Warrior loose pronto.


OK so going into Tribal Council, the gruesome twosome agree to keep Spike. He's trustworthy and he tells them shit. Let me repeat that before I go on: THE GRUESOME TWOSOME AGREE TO KEEP SPIKE. *deep breath* The wheels are in motion. Everyone has agreed. Norma, his teeth, Ninja Warrior, her ego, Mafia Dan, Loverboy, and Jughead are all supposed to vote out Jane. And now we arrive at the fuckery...


We're at Tribal Council and Alligator Lady Alina walks in all buffed, blow-dryed, and powdered. Loverboy looks at her likes she's a succulent veal chop and Ninja Warrior puts on her biggest fakest "Vote for me bitch" smile. *pause* OK. let's begin.


Dimples dives into talk about the Reward Challenge and Jane mumbles something or other about needing Boniva. Norma admits to some male bonding and Jughead accuses the females of not only bonding but also inducting Rainbow Brite into their club. Rainbow Brite pinches his own cheeks (for color of course) and tries to get used to the Spanx he's now wearing.


Spike then speaks up saying he regrets nothing from last Tribal Council. Jane is a threat. Deal with it. Ninja Warrior agrees and I sat back giggling to myself. My joy grew exponentially as the focus turned to Nanook and how she's a no good trifling disgusting thief. No one likes her, she'd steal a used piece of dental floss if she had the chance, and she has the mental capacity of a 3 year old. Actually, that's being generous. My niece is 3 and she'd never stick a salami down her pants. So anyhow, Jughead and Spike join in the Nanook Hate Parade and I'm as happy as can be. FINALLY, the universe will make sense again. Thieves will be punished, intelligence will be rewarded, and great fantastical bloggers will be New York Times bestsellers. It's peaches and cream, chocolate and peanut butter, Chardonnay and Xanax, velvet and glitter. The heavens are smiling down on me and I'm smiling back up to them. *waves* Heyyy, what's up all you beautiful people?



I check back into Tribal Council just in time to hear Nanook say, "I'm not perfect. I'm a humanitarian. I screw up." *boisterous laughter* Oh, you idiot. If you're a humanitarian, then I'm a pretty pink flamingo who poops Swarovski crystals. Somehow it's escaped the vacuum inside Nanook's head that humanitarians actually do good for society. I don't know about you, but I haven't met a humanitarian yet who stuck peanuts in her bra and hid a bag of flour in the dirt. Those humanitarians must be saving babies in Ethiopia, rescuing Cambodian sex slaves, and trying to stop the genocide in Darfur because I surely haven't seen any around here. Yes, that must be it. The thieving do-gooding humanitarians like Nanook must be busy elsewhere. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure Angelina Jolie stuffed a Bosnian sausage down her bra the other day. You're right Nanook. You are a humanitarian. *applauds*


The verbal diarrhea continues and now Nanook is criticizing Spike's hair. Oh hell no! Those evil tendrils hold secrets - beautiful dark secrets about how to make your ex impotent and how to give your worst enemy a nasty case of Mange. Also, let's just pause and reflect for a second on how Nanook with that thing on her head filled with stolen mayonnaise and jello dares to criticize another person's hair. Ridonkulous! Ridonkulous.


Goddammit I'm getting so mad. I've been furious typing this entire thing today. Injustice makes me angry and I'm just putting off the inevitable.


I know you guys want to hear me say it, but with every fiber of my being I'm fighting it. I don't want to say that the only person I was rooting for went home. I don't want to tell you how I hurled myself on the ground and with angry fists I punched my way to China. I refuse to tell you how I sat in the dark like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and flickered my lamp off and on all night. I won't say it and you can't make me!


*sigh*

*deep breath* It is with great regret and a handful of prescription pills that I inform you that by some twisted freak accident Marty/Spike is the tenth person voted out of Survivor Nicaragua and the second member of our Jury. *weeps*


And, get this, today is Spike's birthday. *wails and shatters her fine crystal against the wall*


Alright, so what did you think about last night? How the fuck is Nanook still in this game? Why did Norma and Ninja Warrior go back on their word? Who the hell am I supposed to root for now? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! And please DO NOT post spoilers in my comments. Thanks.


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Tardy For The Party

This week's Survivor Blog will be a little late again as I have to rub ointment on the homeless and feed the lepers. Scratch that. Reverse it. All you need to know is I'm out making society a better place and my post will be up a little later than usual.

Please check back Thursday evening.

Later bitches!