Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Ceremonial Loser Dismount

The clam shell. Pre-Socratic, beautiful, simple, chatty. Baked, it will melt your butter. Steamed, it'll put a skip it your step. Perched on your shoulder with it's hot breath nipping at your neck, it'll whisper truths.... smoky, unwavering, universal truths. It's no wonder the Chowder Association Of America voted it MVP 85 years running. While sometimes mischievous and showing up in Thanksgiving stuffings, the clam shell is not only loyal, but wise. It'll teach you how to increase your prosperity and how to sink a pair of $1600 alligator shoes all in one lesson. The clam shell's message is simple: find meaning in what you do, live your destiny, and flutter like a butterfly whenever possible. If everyone had it's own clam shell there'd be no more sadness in the world. War, famine, pestilence, and whatever the hell that fourth horseman was peddling would be things of the past like the side ponytail or a Crystal Gayle album. Jerry Seinfeld once said, "Look to the cookie!" when suggesting proactive solutions for race relations. Well Mr. Seinfeld, I beg to differ. Look to the clam shell dammit, look to the clam shell. Let's recap, shall we?

We begin our twisted tale under the cover of night. The crickets are chirping, the monkeys are sleeping, and a weary and exhausted tribe returns without it's spiky haired Svengali. Before we were given proper time to grieve and weep dramatically into pillows, we were confronted with a 14 yr old Asian boy telling us about how he's in charge and how he controls the entire game. Look Karate Kid, you may be good at that one-legged kicking thing, but your "instilling fear in others" and personal humility needs a little work. So while Kobayashi is busy telling us how he'll eat all the hot dogs and rule this tribe with a iron fist, Crazy Pants (Holly) is in her bunk listening to the sweet sounds of Life Coach Clam Shell free radio. It's sort of like Christian Radio only without all the bad rock music and Jesus stuff. It's uplifting and delivers messages of hope. Tonight's broadcast is all about how Crazy Pants is going to win this game. "Take out the prepubescent Asian boy", it says. "Stop him from advancing any further!" With her mission received, Crazy Pants salutes the tiny crustacean and tiptoes over to Jungle Jane's bunk to begin planting the necessary seeds. Jungle Jane doesn't even need a nudge as she's surprisingly receptive to the plan and ready to get Mowgli (Brenda, formerly known as Ninja Warrior) out of this game once and for all. No more Mr. Nice Guy. It's time to slit some throats and watch people squirm. *throws glitter in the air* Hooray! Crazy Pants and Jungle Jane clink their estrogen bottles together and wait until dawn to put their plan into motion.

As the sun was just beginning to creep up into the sky, storm clouds snuck in and sat menacingly on the horizon. It looked like it was going to be another long day of rain and misery for the deflated and haggard castaways. To prepare, Longfellow (Libertad) began moving not only their belongings, but their fire into the shelter they'd constructed out of toothpicks and toilet paper. Meanwhile down where all the Survivor villains go to sizzle (AKA Hades), Spike (Marty) was giggling to himself and demanding the hellfires burn higher... higher! His eyes wild and his hair poking out all evil-like, he stirred a giant cauldron of bubbling vengeance and danced the dance of the dead... or maybe it was the dance of the sugarplum fairy. I'm not sure. It was really evil though. That much I know.

Back on top of the Earth's crust in the fresh air, we find Crazy Pants staring into the ill-placed fire and preparing to stage her coup. I don't know if it was the pretty orange flames or the clam shell tucked inside her bra, but somehow it's finally dawned on her that even though she didn't have the most illustrious start in this game, she could definitely have a rootin' tootin' hell of a finish with no less than a million smackeroos in her pocket. With this new realization comes a confidence Crazy Pants has never had before. She's standing up a little straighter. She's no longer doing that shifty unsure eye thing she did before. She has purpose now and, strike me dead if I'm lying, but it's growing on me. It's kind of, ummm, charming. I know, I know... this is Crazy Pants we're talking about here! But, you know what? I like the wide determined eyes and the half skip-half walk thing she does when she's excited. She's getting shit done and she speaks with purpose. Can I really hate that? I don't think so.

So anyhow, Crazy Pants pulls Loverboy (Benry) into the woods and tells him point blank, "Sash and Brenda are in total control of everything." Loverboy lets it sink in for a second and then says, "You know what? You're right. They are running everything!" And with that Crazy Pants has another recruit. Boom. Bam. Done. Onto the next victim... Rainbow Brite (Chase). Rainbow Brite doesn't like these overcast days. They make his hair frizz and his petticoats hang limply. So when Crazy Pants approaches him, she doesn't find him in exactly the best of moods. With no fuss or muss Crazy Pants says, "Brenda is the ringleader!" Rainbow Brite can only stare into the trees and furiously fan himself in response. Mowgli was his first true love! How can he turn away from her and be a part of her demise? He decides he can't so he suggests they get rid of Loverboy instead. Crazy Pants shakes her head defiantly and says, "I think you're wrong." She whips out the notepad in her pocket and writes in thick child-like scrawl, "Chase=not good. Keeps eyes on him." She puts the notepad back her in pocket and without turning her back to Rainbow Brite, slowly steps away.

This brings us to the big Reward Challenge. Full of snark and hair product, Dimples stands on the beach and tells the tribe they'll split into two teams of five. Using four barrels, two planks, and ten feet of rope the tribes have to work together to make their way across the beach to the finished platform without touching the ground. If anybody touches the ground, the entire team has to go back to the start and begin all over again. I love this challenge! It reminds me of when I was a kid and played that game where you couldn't touch the hot lava carpet. My brother and I would use the couch cushions to navigate our way around the living room. If we touched the carpet we'd die an excruciatingly painful death. Kids!

Funny I mentioned hot lava because the winning tribe will be whisked away in a helicopter to the Cerro Negro volcano where they'll do volcano boarding and enjoy a junk food feast of pizza, sodas, and brownies. The Blue Team is Rainbow Brite, Insignificant Kelly, Jungle Jane, Nanook (NaOnka), and Jughead (Jud). The Yellow Team is Norma (Sash), Crazy Pants, Loverboy, Mafia Dan, and Mowgli. Survivors ready, go!

On the Blue Team, Norma leaps up onto a barrel like a spider monkey and sits there while on the Yellow Team, Rainbow Brite puts the rope around his neck like a fancy new necklace. Had a mirror been handy, Rainbow Brite would've been gazing into it. The teams begin by building little bridges using two barrels and a plank. The Blue Team comes to the quick conclusion that the fourth barrel is completely superfluous so they leave it behind and continue to build their tiny bridges. Dimples makes note of this little fact so of course the Yellow Team copies and leaves behind their fourth barrel too. Sometimes Dimples needs to put a sock in it, don't you think?

The Blue Team continues to make decent headway with Rainbow Brite acting as the coach and it's at this point that I began to wonder if that necklace around Rainbow Brite's neck was magical or possessed by a clever no nonsense being. I watch Paranormal State so I know very well that inanimate objects can be possessed by ghosts. I think you're supposed to chop the object to bits, bless a medal with a saint on it, and then bury the pieces and the medal together somewhere. I'll be the first person to say that this is what we should do to the rope around Rainbow Brite's neck. If he happens to be wearing it at the time, then so be it. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Under Rainbow Brite's spooky guidance the Blue Team gains a considerable lead on the Yellow Team. In response, Loverboy decides to forego the whole "building" part and simply walk on his barrel like a clown in the circus all the way to the end. He takes one step and kaboom! Yellow Team has to start over again. Amidst the chaos and the barrels crashing into each other, Mafia Dan's hand got taken off at the wrist. He shrugged his shoulders, pulled some of his "knee glue" (scotch tape) out of his pocket and simply reattached the hand. You know how in the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding the dad swore that Windex was the cure-all for any and all ailments? Well, Mafia Dan's cure-all is scotch tape. Break a leg? Tape it into place. Got a pimple? Cover it with tape. Have split ends? Tape 'em together. Fuhget about it.

In the end no amount of tape or circus barrel walking could catch that possessed necklace so BLUE TEAM WINS REWARD!!! Loverboy celebrates with a backflip and I get the title to my blog. Hooray!

The helicopter swoops in and off the Blue Team goes. They literally land on the side of the huffing puffing mountain and I get all excited waiting to see the volcano boarding. I don't know about you, but I was expecting to see Jughead on a fire proof surfboard riding the waves of hot molten lava. Instead the team basically went sledding on dirt down the side of the volcano. Jungle Jane declared, "That was fun as crap!", but at home I mumbled, "Buzzkill."

Meanwhile back at LaGuardia, Spike's hypnotic dance of death was finally materializing. His fierce underworld pirouetting could keep the flames contained no longer. With a gentle breeze and the echoes of a devilish laughter in the distance, the fire broke free from it's wooden barricade and ate everything in it's path. Up went the toilet paper, the toothpicks, the machetes, the crates with all the food... everything! As I watched with a smirk on my face, I raised my martini glass to Spike and nodded with respect. Then, it hit me... where's Life Coach Clam Shell?!? Oh my god! Is he in the fire? Did Crazy Pants put him in her pocket? *pause* Um yes, I actually paused to worry about the clam shell that doesn't exist and is a figment of my imagination. Grrreat. Someone call Belleview or McLean and make yours truly a reservation. A bona fide belief in talking crustaceans can't be normal. It just can't.

Eventually, the Yellow Team makes it's way back to camp to discover that Lagerfeld is no more. The food rations are gone, the tarp is a melted piled of goo, and the machete is nothing but a lonely blade with no handle. Crazy Pants shrieked, "Oh my god!" and I was pleased to see her frantically check her pocket for LCCS. (He's safe - whew!) Loverboy was devastated as he rubbed his beard and proclaimed, "This is a day from hell." Bingo! Literally, it was from hell. You can thank Spike for that one. You should've never voted him out assholes. Next week I'm predicting an outbreak of leprosy that even the strongest scotch tape won't be able to fix.

Back at the volcano, the Blue Team was enjoying their feast when Rainbow Brite asks the group, "Who do you think is running the show?" Well darlin', it sure ain't you. Jughead hems and haws for a little bit and says they should all come to a consesus on something. That's when Nanook grabs him by the hair and pulls him aside for a private meeting. Keep in mind, these two hate each other. Since day one they've been at each other's throats. So imagine my shock when Nanook tells Jughead that the target is Mowgli. For real, for real... Mowgli. Jungle Jane was the one responsible for recruiting Nanook and, let me tell you, it didn't take a lot of arm twisting at all on Jane's part. All Jane had to do was call Mowgli the "queen bee" and that was enough to convince Nanook. Friendship Schmenship. Loyalty Schmoyalty. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not angry Nanook flipped. I'm actually quite pleased about it. In what has to be the ultimate mindfuck, I think I dislike Mowgli more than I do Nanook. There something about her sense of entitlement that drives me batshit crazy. In the teeniest tiniest whisper I'm uttering "Team Nanook". Just for now. It's not a long time thing. I uttered it. It's done with. Let us speak of it no more. Moving on...

So the Blue Team finally returns to camp and for some reason we didn't get to see their reaction to Spike's fire. I kinda wanted to see Rainbow Brite weep into his lace handkerchief and twirl his parasol with woe. Oh well, maybe next time. Anyhow, Rainbow Brite's first order of business is to scamper over to Mowgli and fill her in on all drama. "Girrrrrl, you'll never guess what I heard!", he drawls. Then he did a lot of gasping, pearl clutching, and finger snapping while he outlined how Crazy Pants mentioned getting rid of Mowgli. Upon hearing this Mowgli muttered, "Oh my god." It was quiet, but it was there. Later, she'll deny it and say she wasn't "impressed" by it, but honey, bitch was skerred!

Then Rainbow Brite hitched up his skirts and sashayed on over to Nanook. "Girrrrrl whatchoo think of Brenda?", he asked. Nanook replied that Mowgli was shady and I laughed. Nanook calling anyone "shady" is kinda funny. Irony! Rainbow Brite flits the thought away and mentions how Loverboy should be the real target. You see, R.B. is threatened by Loverboy. Not in the way he'd like us to think he is, but in the way of hearts, chocolates, candlelight, and slow jazz. Loverboy is a man after all and that means he's a potential suitor for all the ladies in the camp. Rainbow Brite just can't have that. R.B. goes ahead and tells Nanook how he told Mowgli the plan was to oust her. Nanook is annoyed but now firmly believes that flipping sides was the right thing to do. Rainbow Brite is too scatterbrained. Nanook has to focus on getting the powerful people out now rather than later. She takes it upon herself to take over as leader as the coup. She tells Loverboy, Jungle Jane, and Crazy Pants that no matter what they canNOT trust Rainbow Brite.

Now we arrive at the Immunity Challenge. Individual Imunity is back up for grabs and this week's challenge was not only simple, but almost elegant in it's simplicity. Tribe members have to stand on a small platform over the water, lean back holding onto a rope, and every 5 minutes moving hands further down rope. Last person left standing wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!

Immediately we see that this is not going to be an easy challenge. Insignificant Kelly begins squirming almost instantly as Mowgli scrunched up her face and grimaced. Out of nowhere Norma drops first and you know very well what I was thinking, "He should have held on with his teeth." Those things are like tiny white chunks of titanium. So yeah, Norma falls then Insig. Kelly falls then Crazy Pants falls. Splish, splash, splosh.

Mowgli then begins to twist, arch, kneel, clench her eyes shut, etc. All I was thinking was, "fall fall fall" and I'm pretty sure you guys were thinking it too because bitch fell. Yahoo! After that I really could have cared less who won, but since the ending was pretty stunning let's just fast forward to the final 3. We have Loverboy, Rainbow Brite, and Jungle Jane left. Loverboy is having a hard time, but you just know he wants this. He's not giving up without a fight. He yawps and does that gutteral primal yelling thing they talk about in Dead Poets Society. Meanwhile, Jane is a pillar of calm and bliss. She blows away a fly buzzing by her face and returns to her quiet meditation. Rainbow Brite then tells Jane that he can go all night hanging on to that rope and that he's not going anywhere. Jane announces she's going to give up and Dimples, thinking precisely what I was thinking, says, "Don't you dare give up!" In this instance I was glad McChatty spoke up and said something because JANE WINS IMMUNITY!!! I may not be the biggest Jane fan, but she kicked some serious ass. Respect. *pours some gin on the ground for Jane*

Back at Lumberjack, the tribe continues to congratulate Jungle Jane and she quite hysterically credits her win to wrestling the toenails off her 80 lb dogs. My mom has a giant dog she makes me sit on and cover his head with a towel when it's nail cutting time so I know of what Ms. Jungle Jane speaks. I'd probably win that challenge too. Totally. Uh huh. Yay me.

Rainbow Brite swats his humiliating loss to the side and gets back to protecting Mowgli. Meanwhile on the beach, Norma and Nanook are talking about just how annoying R.B. truly is. It's here where I begin to make the interesting parallel that R.B. is very post-Rachel Brendon (BB12). He's large, he lurches, his heart lies beating on the floor of a crudely made altar to his one true love, and he gets on everyone's last nerve. Big Brother fans know of what I'm talking about, right? So anyhow, yeah they can't stand Rainbow Brite and then the conversation turns to who the target is for this week. Norma asks, "Benry, right?" Nanook shakes her head and tells Norma all about the plan to get rid of Mowgli. At home I threw my "Team Nanook" coffee mug at the screen and cried, "Shut up! You stupid bitch, shut uuuuup!" *sigh* For fuck's sake, Norma could give her the damn Idol! Jesus!

Out on the beach, Rainbow Brite and Mowgli are having a heart to heart. Well, actually, Rainbow Brite was the only one having the heart to heart. Mowgli was just kinda standing there not flinching or feeling. R.B. tells her the numbers just aren't there to save her and he cites Nanook as the reason. That gets Mowgli's attention. She mutters something akin to, "Oh hell no" and goes into denial-mode. Norma then saunters up and confirms the Nanook flip. It's here that Mowgli vocalizes her decision not to scramble. Scrambling is beneath her. It shows you're desperate when you scramble... according to her looney logic. Bitch, you're playing for a million dollars! You scramble, fry, poach, soft boil... I don't care what you do, but you do what you can to stay in the damn game! Idiot.

And now we arrive at Tribal Council. The Jury comes in and I'm so excited to see my beloved Spike. I clapped and giggled waiting for him to shoot poison darts out of his eyes to the remaining tribe members. Alligator Lady (Alina) walks in followed by some kindly fellow in a polo shirt and khakis. Ahem, where's Spike and who is this gentlemen with silky smooth hair and shiny cheeks? This guy looks like he golfs on the weekend rather than skin innocent ponies for sport. Even the eyebrows returned their "normal" state! Befuddled and confused I blinked many times but that nice man on the bench just wouldn't go away. I decidedly made an appointment at the optometrist for the next day and then settled in to watch the sparks fly.

Norma starts off the conversation talking about how alliances are being reshuffled and for the first time ever he's out of the loop. Mowgli chimes in and says she regrets the last vote. The clean cut gentleman on the bench smiled and nodded and that's when I saw it... the evil glint! It was faint, but it's still there. By God, it's still there. Mowgli starts talking about trust and all I'm thinking is "shut up shut up shut up shut up". The lazy voice, the unflinching forehead, the smug little look of superiority... I'm over it. My only regret is not changing her name to Mowgli sooner.

Then we get to the best part of Tribal Council ever. Dimples asks Insignificant Kelly to weigh in with her twenty years of experience. This was Kelly's reply, "Um, me? Yeah so ok, experience. I think that, well, ok, I think that... this is all... I feel out of the loop. Yeah, loop. Completely! My wheels are turning. The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus go round and round all through the town. Game plan... I'm like... It's so enlightening! Really!" Then she collapsed into a pile of dust and a breeze carried her away. *waves* Bye Insignificant Kelly. Thanks for chiming in.

Dimples rolled his eyes, wiped the dust off his face, and then asked Mowgli if she scrambled at all or even gave the faintest glimpse of an idea that she was trying to stay in the game. Mowgli goes into her whole "scrambling is a sign of desperation" speech and again I thought, "shut up shut up shut up shut up". A stunned Dimples asks, "Is scrambling beneath you?" I chuckled to myself, snorted some gin out my nose and chortled, "Good one Dimples!"

OK so everyone votes and it's Idol time. Dimples asks for it and all eyes were on Norma. Every. Single. Person. Stared. At. Norma... even Mowgli! With my heart in my throat and a gin coolie in my hand, I waited... and waited... and waited. Norma doesn't give it to Mowgli! He just sits there! It was bee-you-tee-full! Thank you Norma! You're back in my good graces again. So yeah, the Asian boy went home and Mowgli is the 11th person voted out and the 3rd member of the Jury.

So, what did you guys think last night? Are your loyalties all screwed up like mine are? Could Crazy Pants actually win this thing? Does a Jughead, Crazy Pants, Nanook finale actually sound not so bad? Were you also worried about Life Coach Clam Shell in that fire (say yes)? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Next week is a recap episode and Thanksgiving so no blog until two weeks from today. Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Travel safe and stuff yourselves silly. If you've enjoyed what I've done here so far this season, please click on my PayPal button on the right hand side of the page and show your girl some love. Thanks bitches!


Please to enjoy Life at Ponderosa:

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I hate that I keep doing this, but blog will be up late again.

Check back Thursday evening. I'll update on Facebook and Twitter when ready.